- Location
- Edinburgh
I couldn't actually find anything that confirmed an age although I do seem to remember that now, I guess we can say for this I've tweaked the ages a bit.
Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)
- Thread starter jcmoorehead
- Start date
I couldn't actually find anything that confirmed an age although I do seem to remember that now, I guess we can say for this I've tweaked the ages a bit.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
This is rebuild, but it's the only canon shot of her, so... how old do you think?
Hikari's birthday is 2/18/2002. She's the only one we know. Kodama was college-age and working as a coffeeshop waitress when Hikari is 13-14, so... maybe 18-19?
- Location
- Canada
Interesting stuff. Lots of self reflection. Rei and Kodama are a unexpected addition. I liked how easily Rei was able to tell something was up from Asuka's message. And lol Kaworu... it can't be easy learning all that stuff that late. And it' not like he can easily ask for help.
- Location
- Surrey
You could just say that Kodama got out of Instrumentality later than most.
- Location
- Canada
Man that must be a bit of a trip. Coming out and finding years have passed. Seeing your child or your sibling or your partner now years older because you came out much later then they did. To most people it would be like they rip van winkled themself. Heh I wonder if Asuka feels guilty about that, dating Kaworu who looks a bit younger then her.
Asuka: "Uh...Kaworu, the age thing doesn't bother you does it?"
Kaworu: "Age differ...oh! To be fair I'm pretty sure that when SEELE was handling my genetic makeup they checked all of the boxes to keep my appearance stuck at 'perma-bishie'."
- Location
- Surrey
Kaworu: Technically I'm several billion years old anyway so it isn't really...do you hear sirens?
- Location
- Edinburgh
I realize I probably could have done a better job of explaining it but Kaworu actually came out aged appropriately, so he does look 4-5 years older than he did when he died. Although as I said I realize I probably could have stated that a bit better, in fact I might need to re-work a few lines of dialogue in the last section.
Edit:
Made said changes, put in some parts about it being strange that Kaworu had aged whilst being inside and also explaining why Kodama only seems a year or two older than Hikari. That should patch it up
Last edited:
Chapter 8 - A Story Never Told - 4: Asuka
- Location
- Edinburgh
Asuka Langley Soryu
14th September 2021 – Early Evening – Kaworu's Apartment
I read through the paragraph one final time to confirm that it sounds correct and conforms to what the publisher wanted. A little bit of extra dialogue between the main character and the AI that controls the ship was all they had requested for that section. It wasn't a bad suggestion, the relationship between the main character and the AI is an important one, especially considering the revelations about the AI later one but I worry that too much dialogue will give things away too easily for readers.
Behind me I can hear Kaworu in the kitchen and preparing tonight's meal. I did try to suggest that we order food tonight but he was adamant that he cook something for us instead. I want along with it, still feeling somewhat guilty about nearly ruining the meal last night. From what I can smell I'm expecting a chicken curry tonight. My stomach growls in anticipation of it.
I open up my e-mail client to fire off another e-mail to my publisher with the changes they needed. Hopefully that will be the last thing and I don't need to alter anything else on the book. I also make sure to include a note telling them that I am not available for interviews and also tell them a firm no to the idea of getting someone to stand in as 'Mari Makinami' in interviews and readings.
I shake my head at the ridiculousness of that request. If anyone is going to speak for me then it'll be me and not someone paid to act as me. What annoyed me more is they even started to explore what Mari Makinami looks like! They sent me some sketch of some brown-haired girl with red rimmed glasses and a massive chest. It's clear what they were going for with that one.
They'll be disappointed but they can deal with it. Maybe one day I'll reveal that Mari isn't real and is actually I, the great Asuka Langley Soryu but until that time and only until that time there will be no press, no quotes and Mari remains silent and unseen.
I send off the e-mail and notice that I've received one from Rei some time ago. I must have been so wrapped up on my work I never noticed it come through. I also realize with some guilt that I was supposed to have contacted her earlier today. It has just turned six in the evening here which means for Rei it'll be the early hours of the morning. I could risk it, knowing what Rei is like she could still be awake but it's probably best I don't.
I open up the e-mail,
'Hello Asuka,
I received your message and I am pleased to read that everything is okay, I was concerned after your phone call yesterday.
As far as Shinji goes I do not think he suspected that it might have been you, it seems that the measures we put in place worked but I must admit I do not feel good about this. I feel bad for deceiving him in such a way but I understand that it is your wish that he does not know.'
I feel a tightening in my chest at reading that last paragraph. I feel guilty as well about it, I don't want to put Rei in that position and I know it's hurting him. It should only just be for a little while longer though. I'll... I'll contact him Rei.
'For contacting me, unfortunately I am not going to be in this evening so it would probably be better if you contacted me tomorrow. I will message you with a safe time to do so. I am glad to hear that you are well.
Also, I feel I should apologize for my actions when you told me about your friendship with Nagisa. Whilst I am still apprehensive about him and will likely remain so until I am certain he can cause no harm to you or my brother I appreciate that you might have a different perspective having spoken to him directly and spent time with him.
If I have angered you in any way when speaking about him then I apologize for that as well.
I will speak to you tomorrow.
Rei
xx
I ready myself to write a reply to her when Kaworu suddenly announces from the kitchen that dinner is ready.
"No problem, let me just…" I look up whilst speaking and see his big dumb smiling face beaming at me and then I gaze over towards the table where I see he has already set out two plates. I let out a laugh and shake my head, "Never mind, it can wait."
The laptop screen gets folded down and the device itself placed onto his coffee table before I get up and make my way over the table. I sit myself down and Kaworu takes a seat opposite me. I look down at my plate and just as I guessed it is indeed a simple chicken curry. My mouth starts to water at the sight of it and I look up to see Kaworu is looking at me expectantly. He catches me eye and quickly looks down at his own plate.
I smile to myself as I mix up some of the rice with the sauce and scoop it onto my fork along with a good sized piece of chicken. Just as with the meal last this this too is incredibly tasty and I start to feel like I could get used to the idea of Kaworu cooking for me.
I'm barely haflway through my first mouthful before I hear Kaworu speak, "Is it to your liking?"
I shoot him a glare as I try to finish my mouthful of food, I swallow and nod, "It is delicious."
Kaworu breathes a sigh of relief and then starts to eat from his plate too. I simple shake my head and let out a laugh as I see an embarrassed smile creep onto his lips.
"I apologize if my questioning is annoying." He speaks, "I am simply not used to doing something like this, I have only cooked for myself so I don't know if it is good for others. Your approval in particular means a lot to me."
"It's fine, I guess I can deal with it for the moment." I remark with another laugh and continue to eat the meal. Every now and then I'll rip off a bit of the naan bread and use it to dip into my curry and scoop up bits of rice. As I do this I look up to see Kaworu is looking at me and staring at his own bread. I grin at him, "You know how bread works right?"
He nods, "I know how it works for sandwiches but I was unsure how it worked in context of this meal. I… forgot to research that part."
I continue to laugh, "Well it's not like there are any rules to it you idiot! Just rip it off and dip it in your food or whatever."
"Oh I see…" He tentatively rips apart a piece of the bread, "I was also uncertain about the heat of the meal as well. Is this too your liking? It is not too hot?"
"Kaworu..." I speak sternly, "It's good. I've got a pretty high tolerance when it comes to hot food anyway. Besides it should be you who is more concerned with that with it being your first curry, how is it for you?"
Kaworu nods, "It is good although I will admit the sensation of heat is something I am unused to but I am sure I will adapt to it over time."
"Well you picked a good curry to start with, some of them would probably kill you." I joke but see him look at me with a horrified expression.
"Really? A curry can do that."
"No not really!" I shake my head, "It'd probably be really unpleasant though."
"Oh… Good, I think… I will avoid that sort of thing all the same."
"A wise decision." I smile and we resume eating our meals in a comfortable silence. I reach over to get a drink, another bottle of wine from Kaworu's fridge that he has gotten out. This is another white wine, a Spanish wine this time, whatever that means. It tastes good though.
I have to admit Kaworu has done well with the two meals he has cooked so far, I'm quite surprised how someone who has only been properly human for less than a year and never had to cook before is able to do this. I guess he's had little choice but to do it though.
As we continue to eat a strange thought suddenly enters my head. It's something I haven't actually realized until now but Kaworu is eating meat. In fact this is not the first time, he has had it on a number of occasions since I've met him. Yet I thought with him technically being the same as Rei he too would be unable to eat meat like her.
"Kaworu… Can I ask something?"
"Of course." He replies after sipping from his wine glass.
"This might seem strange but… Why is it that you are able to eat meat?" I ask.
"I do not understand." He looks at me curiously.
"It's just… You and Rei are similar right?" I wait for him to nod, "She can't eat meat but you can, why is that?"
"Oh, that would be…" Kaworu looks up and shakes his head sadly, "I believe that is due to the way in which we were created."
"Explain."
"You are right that myself and Rei are similar, we were both created from a human doner and supplanted with the soul of one of the seeds of life. In my case it was Adam and her case Lilith. I do not believe that Rei Ayanami's creation was as smooth as mine was, she was created from the scavenged DNA of Yui Ikari whilst my donor was in a stronger and more complete position."
"Who was your donor?" I ask him.
"I do not know, it is not information that I was ever granted access to nor did I seek it out. I do not know if that person lives nor do I know if they were even aware that they were a donor. Knowing SEELE I would doubt both things, they disliked loose ends."
Kaworu pauses for a moment to sip from his wine again, "With my creation there was an entire team of people working around the clock to ensure my body was kept fit and healthy. I was attended to at all times by the best doctors and scientists in the world. I do not believe Rei would have been… as fortunate as I was."
I bow my head slightly as I recall the various stories I heard about Rei's so-called upbringing. I never saw any of it for myself but I have heard of the place where she lived. I heard Rei and the others speak about how it was in some abandoned part of Tokyo-3, how it had walls that were damp and rotting away and it was unpopulated aside from the unfortunate homeless of Tokyo-3 and a myriad of rats.
I once called her the Commander's favourite. I looked at her with envy believing that she lived a life of luxury and praise. That because she had the Commander's attention she had everything that I thought I wanted. How wrong was I? How awful must I have sounded when I said those things to her?
"No… She really wasn't…" I finally mutter.
"All of these additional resources meant that… my human vessel was stronger than that of Ayanami's. SEELE thought I necessary to minimize weakness as best they could for me to carry out their goals."
"I see…" I prod a piece of chicken with my fork before stabbing it angrily and shoving it into my mouth.
"SEELE made an effort to suppress my humanity. They wanted their vessel strong but wanted to keep my humanity at bay except for where it would benefit them. They would remind me constantly of what I was and what I had been put on this earth to do. They wanted me to be unable to resist the call on that day."
"You meant the day you betra-" I catch myself before I finish the word but I can see still the spark of sadness in his eyes, "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to."
Kaworu simply shakes his head, "No… That is what it was, it was a betrayal. I betrayed my only friend because I was unable to resist my own urges. I was unable to spot the lies in front of me and gave into the desire to reunite with the being known as Adam."
He tears off a piece of bread and dips it into his curry, "As… 'Tabris'… I always felt something calling to me. I was told what it was, that call was an answer to the pain of loneliness that I always felt. Each passing day that pain grew larger and the call grew more alluring."
There is another brief pause as he scoops up a bit of rice with his bread, "SEELE explained it all of course. They told me of the being known as Adam and how it was waiting under Tokyo-3 for me. Not only that but they gave it a purpose, not only would it cure the pain I felt but it'd cure the world. All would be reborn and perfect!"
I see his expression darken as he continues, "I believed every lie they told me, so when I got to Tokyo-3 I knew what I had to do. When I was there I felt the call grow even stronger, it spoke to me, it wanted me and it only confirmed what I had been told until… I finally got to it and I saw it wasn't Adam at all. It was Lilith and in that moment… I knew the truth."
I rise from my seat and make my way over to him and hold him, running my hand through his soft hair, "It's okay Kaworu… I know the rest."
"There are times when I don't know if I should blame SEELE for it or if I should blame myself. I had the power within me to resist it. I could conjure an A.T. Field of such strength, my S2 Organ gave me unlimited power, I could have… I could have resisted SEELE but… I was weak to the call and their lies."
"Stop it!" I say sharply as I continue to hold him, "There was nothing you could have done and… things worked out in the end."
"Perhaps!" He nods, "I suppose… there is little point in me thinking about that now."
"No… No you won't." I pat him on the back and move back to my seat, as I sit back down I see Kaworu smiling at me again.
"Thank you Asuka… for listening to me." He pauses.
I shrug, "Don't worry about it."
"I… I don't know if it is appropriate but there is something I wanted to ask."
"Go ahead." I reply to him with a mouthful of chicken and rice.
"How come you decided to come back to Germany?"
"Ah."
I didn't expect him to ask me that, at least not yet. I shake my head, "It was… just something I felt I had to do to be honest. It wasn't like there was a big argument or incident I just… I couldn't be there anymore with them and I had to come back."
I pause and try to recall the day that I left.
---
6th June 2016 - Asuka Langley Soryu
My eyes open immediately at the sound of my alarm going off and I quickly bring my hand down to silence the device. I lie still for a few moments staring at the time, it's early, far too early for my liking and for a brief moment I contemplate rolling back over and going back to sleep. I realize however that it is simply not possible for me to do that, I'm awake this early for a reason, so instead all I can do is let out and annoyed sigh and sit up.
That annoyance at the situation soon fades when I reach over to turn on my lamp and see the card and wrapped up box waiting on my bedside table. Instead I feel something else, sadness? Regret? Fear? I'm not entirely sure, it's a mixture of feelings but I suppose that's to be expected.
I reach over and pick up the card and turn it over in my hand to reveal Shinji's name written, in beautiful handwriting, on the card. I shake my head as certain thoughts enter my mind.
'You don't have to do this... You can stop it, just tell him that you changed your mind. He already said you can change your mind at any time, it wouldn't exactly be difficult.'
I put the card back down on the table and shake my head. I can't stop this, not now, it's something that I have to go through with. I can't stay in this place any longer, I just... I can't be here anymore. I just don't belong here, I don't deserve to be here with these people.
I know they probably feel the same, that I don't belong here with them. I can't blame them really, not after the way I've acted towards them all. Sure, it's not like I've acted like that since we all returned but that doesn't matter. They still remember and so do I and I know it's just a matter of time before that monster surfaces again.
Of course, they're too polite to ask me to leave so I'm going to make it easy for them. I contacted Fuyutsuki weeks ago and arranged this. I've packed what few belongings I have and I'll leave before any of them wake up. There are just a few things I need to do first.
I step out of the bed and look at the clock again. I need to be quick and quiet during this. Everythign has been planned out, I need to shower first then I'll get dressed before giving Shinji his gift. When that is done I'll leave and they won't need to see me again, I'll tell Fuyutsuki to let Misato know what I've done but not where I've done. It'll be better this way, if they find out they'll just try to get me to stay and... I'll probably do it.
I slide the door to my room open as quietly as I can and slip out into the main hallway. It's only a short distance to the bathroom from here but I do need to make my way through the living room, that brings me to my first obstacle. As I enter the living room I can hear a soft snoring sound and I immediately freeze and look towards the source of the sound.
I try to stifle a laugh as I see Rei lying on the sofa, or at least the hair of Rei Ayanami. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, she has managed to roll herself up in her blankets to create a perfect blanket burrito, or as I might call it a 'bureito.'
'No more sofa for you after today Rei, you can have that room now.'
A few brief moments later I'm in the bathroom, have disrobed and turned the shower on. As the water comes down around me my thoughts turn once more to why I'm doing this today. When were those seeds sewn of me wanting to leave? I can't really pin down an exact moment, I guess it was just a feeling I had ever since we call came back from Third Impact.
Thing started off well enough. Shinji was the first person to return on that day and I was not far behind. I can still remember those initial moments on the beach when I returned. I can remember the rush of emotions, the pain and the confusion of it all. I can remember what Shinji did, or tried to do to me in his confusion and how I was able to stop him.
I can remember how he sat there and cried when he realized what it was he was doing and how afterwards we lay in silence just holding one another. We even spoke to one another after it, we actually had a proper and decent conversation. I told him things about my life, about my mother and my upbringing and he told me about his. It was nice, it was cathartic and it felt right.
Of course, that feeling couldn't last. Barely a day later Misato returned and soon afterwards Rei turned up before more and more people came back. There was no more talking after that, there was no more holding one another and there was barely any communication. Shinji had Misato and Rei to confide in now, he had his family back and I... Well I've never had a family, Misato tried to make me feel welcome but I'd already burned those bridges, hadn't I? So, it never felt right.
Soon afterwards we fell into routines. Shinji became more withdrawn as more people came back, he won't venture out of the apartment and is terrified of anyone knowing who he is. I spend most of my time outside the apartment going on long walks and avoiding people.
Rei... Rei actually went back to school as soon as she could. It's strange but she has grown so much from the girl she used to be. She is still quiet but you can see a spark of humanity in her that wasn't there before. She speaks about what she wants to do in the future, of places she wants to go and things she'd like to see.
As far as my future goes... I've thought about it but what sort of future does someone like me have? Shinji... Rei... Misato, they all have a chance, they're all heroes and can do whatever they want but me? I'm little more than nothing. I'm the girl who lost, I'm the girl who failed, the girl who had the potential but squandered it all. I'm the monster who did nothing but hurt others.
I'm the one who screamed and yelled because she couldn't get her own way. I'm the one who turned everyone away who tried to help. What does the future hold for someone like me? All I'm capable of is hurting other people. Everyone here knows it too. They think I don't notice it but I can see and feel their eyes on me when I walk around this town. I know how Misato and Rei look at me, I know they're terrified that I'll hurt Shinji and I don't blame them. I've done it once so why not again?
'Because you aren't that person anymore, you don't shout or yell anymore. You don't need to be like that...'
It's a nice thought that passes through my mind but what if it isn't true? Besides, even if I'm not that person anymore it doesn't erase the person I was and the person they think I am. I'd rather save the others the hassle of having to tip toe around be because they're frightened. I just hope they all go forward to have a happy life, they deserve it.
I turn the shower off and wrap a towel around myself. I slip out of the bathroom and once more past the bureito lying on the sofa. Within moments I'm back in my room and drying off. I hastily throw my clothes on and grab the gift and card. This is the last thing I need to do, probably the most difficult task.
I take those few careful steps to Shinji's door and slide it open as quietly as I can. I take a feep breath to steady my nerves before stepping into his room. It's dark, save for a thin slither of light coming in through a crack in his curtains. The light is providing just enough illumination for me to see him lying on his bed. He's facing away from me, good, that'll make this easier.
I silently approach the side of the bed and place the gift and card down on his bedside table before kneeling next to the bed.
"Shinji..." I whisper to him, "I'm... I'm leaving. I don't know how long I'm going for, it might be a short amount of time or it might be forever but please... promise me you won't look for me okay."
I let out a sigh, "I... I just... I don't deserve to be here with you guys. You're all good people but me... I'm not, I was horrible to you all, I was a monster and... I know we should be leaving that in the past but I can't. I think about who I was every day and I just can't forget that. I just... I wanted to see you one last time and maybe do something nice for you."
I pause as I feel the stinging of tears in my eyes, I bring up a hand to wipe the tear away and continue to speak to him, my whispering voice trembling as I do so, "Today is your birthday isn't it? I got you a card and a gift, I hope you like it. I got you a new music player, I know you lost your old one and I know you loved it so... I wanted to get you something nice. I also... put some money in the card too, so get yourself something nice with it. Some new shirts to replace the white ones you always have or a nice cake."
I pause again and smile, "I'm sorry for everything I did Shinji. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else like I did. I just hope you know that I never meant it when I said I hated you, I always liked... no... I always loved you Shinji, I still do and... maybe I always will but I just can't be here anymore so... goodbye Shinji and... Happy Birthday."
With those final words I quickly turn around and leave his room. I rush back into my room blinking furiously and bringing my hands up to my eyes to wipe away any tears that threaten to run down my cheeks. I quickly grab my case and head back out into the hallway towards the front door. I slip my feet into my shoes and open the front door as quietly as I can.
As I step out a cool breeze hits my cheeks and I turn to see the solemn figure of Kozo Fuyutsuki.
"Fuyutsuki." I nod towards him.
"So, you're actually leaving? You don't want to change your mind?" He asks me.
"Yes." I confirm without hesitation, "Let's get this over and done with."
14th September 2021 – Early Evening – Kaworu's Apartment
I read through the paragraph one final time to confirm that it sounds correct and conforms to what the publisher wanted. A little bit of extra dialogue between the main character and the AI that controls the ship was all they had requested for that section. It wasn't a bad suggestion, the relationship between the main character and the AI is an important one, especially considering the revelations about the AI later one but I worry that too much dialogue will give things away too easily for readers.
Behind me I can hear Kaworu in the kitchen and preparing tonight's meal. I did try to suggest that we order food tonight but he was adamant that he cook something for us instead. I want along with it, still feeling somewhat guilty about nearly ruining the meal last night. From what I can smell I'm expecting a chicken curry tonight. My stomach growls in anticipation of it.
I open up my e-mail client to fire off another e-mail to my publisher with the changes they needed. Hopefully that will be the last thing and I don't need to alter anything else on the book. I also make sure to include a note telling them that I am not available for interviews and also tell them a firm no to the idea of getting someone to stand in as 'Mari Makinami' in interviews and readings.
I shake my head at the ridiculousness of that request. If anyone is going to speak for me then it'll be me and not someone paid to act as me. What annoyed me more is they even started to explore what Mari Makinami looks like! They sent me some sketch of some brown-haired girl with red rimmed glasses and a massive chest. It's clear what they were going for with that one.
They'll be disappointed but they can deal with it. Maybe one day I'll reveal that Mari isn't real and is actually I, the great Asuka Langley Soryu but until that time and only until that time there will be no press, no quotes and Mari remains silent and unseen.
I send off the e-mail and notice that I've received one from Rei some time ago. I must have been so wrapped up on my work I never noticed it come through. I also realize with some guilt that I was supposed to have contacted her earlier today. It has just turned six in the evening here which means for Rei it'll be the early hours of the morning. I could risk it, knowing what Rei is like she could still be awake but it's probably best I don't.
I open up the e-mail,
'Hello Asuka,
I received your message and I am pleased to read that everything is okay, I was concerned after your phone call yesterday.
As far as Shinji goes I do not think he suspected that it might have been you, it seems that the measures we put in place worked but I must admit I do not feel good about this. I feel bad for deceiving him in such a way but I understand that it is your wish that he does not know.'
I feel a tightening in my chest at reading that last paragraph. I feel guilty as well about it, I don't want to put Rei in that position and I know it's hurting him. It should only just be for a little while longer though. I'll... I'll contact him Rei.
'For contacting me, unfortunately I am not going to be in this evening so it would probably be better if you contacted me tomorrow. I will message you with a safe time to do so. I am glad to hear that you are well.
Also, I feel I should apologize for my actions when you told me about your friendship with Nagisa. Whilst I am still apprehensive about him and will likely remain so until I am certain he can cause no harm to you or my brother I appreciate that you might have a different perspective having spoken to him directly and spent time with him.
If I have angered you in any way when speaking about him then I apologize for that as well.
I will speak to you tomorrow.
Rei
xx
(\-/)
(='.'=)
(")-(")o
(='.'=)
(")-(")o
I ready myself to write a reply to her when Kaworu suddenly announces from the kitchen that dinner is ready.
"No problem, let me just…" I look up whilst speaking and see his big dumb smiling face beaming at me and then I gaze over towards the table where I see he has already set out two plates. I let out a laugh and shake my head, "Never mind, it can wait."
The laptop screen gets folded down and the device itself placed onto his coffee table before I get up and make my way over the table. I sit myself down and Kaworu takes a seat opposite me. I look down at my plate and just as I guessed it is indeed a simple chicken curry. My mouth starts to water at the sight of it and I look up to see Kaworu is looking at me expectantly. He catches me eye and quickly looks down at his own plate.
I smile to myself as I mix up some of the rice with the sauce and scoop it onto my fork along with a good sized piece of chicken. Just as with the meal last this this too is incredibly tasty and I start to feel like I could get used to the idea of Kaworu cooking for me.
I'm barely haflway through my first mouthful before I hear Kaworu speak, "Is it to your liking?"
I shoot him a glare as I try to finish my mouthful of food, I swallow and nod, "It is delicious."
Kaworu breathes a sigh of relief and then starts to eat from his plate too. I simple shake my head and let out a laugh as I see an embarrassed smile creep onto his lips.
"I apologize if my questioning is annoying." He speaks, "I am simply not used to doing something like this, I have only cooked for myself so I don't know if it is good for others. Your approval in particular means a lot to me."
"It's fine, I guess I can deal with it for the moment." I remark with another laugh and continue to eat the meal. Every now and then I'll rip off a bit of the naan bread and use it to dip into my curry and scoop up bits of rice. As I do this I look up to see Kaworu is looking at me and staring at his own bread. I grin at him, "You know how bread works right?"
He nods, "I know how it works for sandwiches but I was unsure how it worked in context of this meal. I… forgot to research that part."
I continue to laugh, "Well it's not like there are any rules to it you idiot! Just rip it off and dip it in your food or whatever."
"Oh I see…" He tentatively rips apart a piece of the bread, "I was also uncertain about the heat of the meal as well. Is this too your liking? It is not too hot?"
"Kaworu..." I speak sternly, "It's good. I've got a pretty high tolerance when it comes to hot food anyway. Besides it should be you who is more concerned with that with it being your first curry, how is it for you?"
Kaworu nods, "It is good although I will admit the sensation of heat is something I am unused to but I am sure I will adapt to it over time."
"Well you picked a good curry to start with, some of them would probably kill you." I joke but see him look at me with a horrified expression.
"Really? A curry can do that."
"No not really!" I shake my head, "It'd probably be really unpleasant though."
"Oh… Good, I think… I will avoid that sort of thing all the same."
"A wise decision." I smile and we resume eating our meals in a comfortable silence. I reach over to get a drink, another bottle of wine from Kaworu's fridge that he has gotten out. This is another white wine, a Spanish wine this time, whatever that means. It tastes good though.
I have to admit Kaworu has done well with the two meals he has cooked so far, I'm quite surprised how someone who has only been properly human for less than a year and never had to cook before is able to do this. I guess he's had little choice but to do it though.
As we continue to eat a strange thought suddenly enters my head. It's something I haven't actually realized until now but Kaworu is eating meat. In fact this is not the first time, he has had it on a number of occasions since I've met him. Yet I thought with him technically being the same as Rei he too would be unable to eat meat like her.
"Kaworu… Can I ask something?"
"Of course." He replies after sipping from his wine glass.
"This might seem strange but… Why is it that you are able to eat meat?" I ask.
"I do not understand." He looks at me curiously.
"It's just… You and Rei are similar right?" I wait for him to nod, "She can't eat meat but you can, why is that?"
"Oh, that would be…" Kaworu looks up and shakes his head sadly, "I believe that is due to the way in which we were created."
"Explain."
"You are right that myself and Rei are similar, we were both created from a human doner and supplanted with the soul of one of the seeds of life. In my case it was Adam and her case Lilith. I do not believe that Rei Ayanami's creation was as smooth as mine was, she was created from the scavenged DNA of Yui Ikari whilst my donor was in a stronger and more complete position."
"Who was your donor?" I ask him.
"I do not know, it is not information that I was ever granted access to nor did I seek it out. I do not know if that person lives nor do I know if they were even aware that they were a donor. Knowing SEELE I would doubt both things, they disliked loose ends."
Kaworu pauses for a moment to sip from his wine again, "With my creation there was an entire team of people working around the clock to ensure my body was kept fit and healthy. I was attended to at all times by the best doctors and scientists in the world. I do not believe Rei would have been… as fortunate as I was."
I bow my head slightly as I recall the various stories I heard about Rei's so-called upbringing. I never saw any of it for myself but I have heard of the place where she lived. I heard Rei and the others speak about how it was in some abandoned part of Tokyo-3, how it had walls that were damp and rotting away and it was unpopulated aside from the unfortunate homeless of Tokyo-3 and a myriad of rats.
I once called her the Commander's favourite. I looked at her with envy believing that she lived a life of luxury and praise. That because she had the Commander's attention she had everything that I thought I wanted. How wrong was I? How awful must I have sounded when I said those things to her?
"No… She really wasn't…" I finally mutter.
"All of these additional resources meant that… my human vessel was stronger than that of Ayanami's. SEELE thought I necessary to minimize weakness as best they could for me to carry out their goals."
"I see…" I prod a piece of chicken with my fork before stabbing it angrily and shoving it into my mouth.
"SEELE made an effort to suppress my humanity. They wanted their vessel strong but wanted to keep my humanity at bay except for where it would benefit them. They would remind me constantly of what I was and what I had been put on this earth to do. They wanted me to be unable to resist the call on that day."
"You meant the day you betra-" I catch myself before I finish the word but I can see still the spark of sadness in his eyes, "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to."
Kaworu simply shakes his head, "No… That is what it was, it was a betrayal. I betrayed my only friend because I was unable to resist my own urges. I was unable to spot the lies in front of me and gave into the desire to reunite with the being known as Adam."
He tears off a piece of bread and dips it into his curry, "As… 'Tabris'… I always felt something calling to me. I was told what it was, that call was an answer to the pain of loneliness that I always felt. Each passing day that pain grew larger and the call grew more alluring."
There is another brief pause as he scoops up a bit of rice with his bread, "SEELE explained it all of course. They told me of the being known as Adam and how it was waiting under Tokyo-3 for me. Not only that but they gave it a purpose, not only would it cure the pain I felt but it'd cure the world. All would be reborn and perfect!"
I see his expression darken as he continues, "I believed every lie they told me, so when I got to Tokyo-3 I knew what I had to do. When I was there I felt the call grow even stronger, it spoke to me, it wanted me and it only confirmed what I had been told until… I finally got to it and I saw it wasn't Adam at all. It was Lilith and in that moment… I knew the truth."
I rise from my seat and make my way over to him and hold him, running my hand through his soft hair, "It's okay Kaworu… I know the rest."
"There are times when I don't know if I should blame SEELE for it or if I should blame myself. I had the power within me to resist it. I could conjure an A.T. Field of such strength, my S2 Organ gave me unlimited power, I could have… I could have resisted SEELE but… I was weak to the call and their lies."
"Stop it!" I say sharply as I continue to hold him, "There was nothing you could have done and… things worked out in the end."
"Perhaps!" He nods, "I suppose… there is little point in me thinking about that now."
"No… No you won't." I pat him on the back and move back to my seat, as I sit back down I see Kaworu smiling at me again.
"Thank you Asuka… for listening to me." He pauses.
I shrug, "Don't worry about it."
"I… I don't know if it is appropriate but there is something I wanted to ask."
"Go ahead." I reply to him with a mouthful of chicken and rice.
"How come you decided to come back to Germany?"
"Ah."
I didn't expect him to ask me that, at least not yet. I shake my head, "It was… just something I felt I had to do to be honest. It wasn't like there was a big argument or incident I just… I couldn't be there anymore with them and I had to come back."
I pause and try to recall the day that I left.
---
6th June 2016 - Asuka Langley Soryu
My eyes open immediately at the sound of my alarm going off and I quickly bring my hand down to silence the device. I lie still for a few moments staring at the time, it's early, far too early for my liking and for a brief moment I contemplate rolling back over and going back to sleep. I realize however that it is simply not possible for me to do that, I'm awake this early for a reason, so instead all I can do is let out and annoyed sigh and sit up.
That annoyance at the situation soon fades when I reach over to turn on my lamp and see the card and wrapped up box waiting on my bedside table. Instead I feel something else, sadness? Regret? Fear? I'm not entirely sure, it's a mixture of feelings but I suppose that's to be expected.
I reach over and pick up the card and turn it over in my hand to reveal Shinji's name written, in beautiful handwriting, on the card. I shake my head as certain thoughts enter my mind.
'You don't have to do this... You can stop it, just tell him that you changed your mind. He already said you can change your mind at any time, it wouldn't exactly be difficult.'
I put the card back down on the table and shake my head. I can't stop this, not now, it's something that I have to go through with. I can't stay in this place any longer, I just... I can't be here anymore. I just don't belong here, I don't deserve to be here with these people.
I know they probably feel the same, that I don't belong here with them. I can't blame them really, not after the way I've acted towards them all. Sure, it's not like I've acted like that since we all returned but that doesn't matter. They still remember and so do I and I know it's just a matter of time before that monster surfaces again.
Of course, they're too polite to ask me to leave so I'm going to make it easy for them. I contacted Fuyutsuki weeks ago and arranged this. I've packed what few belongings I have and I'll leave before any of them wake up. There are just a few things I need to do first.
I step out of the bed and look at the clock again. I need to be quick and quiet during this. Everythign has been planned out, I need to shower first then I'll get dressed before giving Shinji his gift. When that is done I'll leave and they won't need to see me again, I'll tell Fuyutsuki to let Misato know what I've done but not where I've done. It'll be better this way, if they find out they'll just try to get me to stay and... I'll probably do it.
I slide the door to my room open as quietly as I can and slip out into the main hallway. It's only a short distance to the bathroom from here but I do need to make my way through the living room, that brings me to my first obstacle. As I enter the living room I can hear a soft snoring sound and I immediately freeze and look towards the source of the sound.
I try to stifle a laugh as I see Rei lying on the sofa, or at least the hair of Rei Ayanami. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, she has managed to roll herself up in her blankets to create a perfect blanket burrito, or as I might call it a 'bureito.'
'No more sofa for you after today Rei, you can have that room now.'
A few brief moments later I'm in the bathroom, have disrobed and turned the shower on. As the water comes down around me my thoughts turn once more to why I'm doing this today. When were those seeds sewn of me wanting to leave? I can't really pin down an exact moment, I guess it was just a feeling I had ever since we call came back from Third Impact.
Thing started off well enough. Shinji was the first person to return on that day and I was not far behind. I can still remember those initial moments on the beach when I returned. I can remember the rush of emotions, the pain and the confusion of it all. I can remember what Shinji did, or tried to do to me in his confusion and how I was able to stop him.
I can remember how he sat there and cried when he realized what it was he was doing and how afterwards we lay in silence just holding one another. We even spoke to one another after it, we actually had a proper and decent conversation. I told him things about my life, about my mother and my upbringing and he told me about his. It was nice, it was cathartic and it felt right.
Of course, that feeling couldn't last. Barely a day later Misato returned and soon afterwards Rei turned up before more and more people came back. There was no more talking after that, there was no more holding one another and there was barely any communication. Shinji had Misato and Rei to confide in now, he had his family back and I... Well I've never had a family, Misato tried to make me feel welcome but I'd already burned those bridges, hadn't I? So, it never felt right.
Soon afterwards we fell into routines. Shinji became more withdrawn as more people came back, he won't venture out of the apartment and is terrified of anyone knowing who he is. I spend most of my time outside the apartment going on long walks and avoiding people.
Rei... Rei actually went back to school as soon as she could. It's strange but she has grown so much from the girl she used to be. She is still quiet but you can see a spark of humanity in her that wasn't there before. She speaks about what she wants to do in the future, of places she wants to go and things she'd like to see.
As far as my future goes... I've thought about it but what sort of future does someone like me have? Shinji... Rei... Misato, they all have a chance, they're all heroes and can do whatever they want but me? I'm little more than nothing. I'm the girl who lost, I'm the girl who failed, the girl who had the potential but squandered it all. I'm the monster who did nothing but hurt others.
I'm the one who screamed and yelled because she couldn't get her own way. I'm the one who turned everyone away who tried to help. What does the future hold for someone like me? All I'm capable of is hurting other people. Everyone here knows it too. They think I don't notice it but I can see and feel their eyes on me when I walk around this town. I know how Misato and Rei look at me, I know they're terrified that I'll hurt Shinji and I don't blame them. I've done it once so why not again?
'Because you aren't that person anymore, you don't shout or yell anymore. You don't need to be like that...'
It's a nice thought that passes through my mind but what if it isn't true? Besides, even if I'm not that person anymore it doesn't erase the person I was and the person they think I am. I'd rather save the others the hassle of having to tip toe around be because they're frightened. I just hope they all go forward to have a happy life, they deserve it.
I turn the shower off and wrap a towel around myself. I slip out of the bathroom and once more past the bureito lying on the sofa. Within moments I'm back in my room and drying off. I hastily throw my clothes on and grab the gift and card. This is the last thing I need to do, probably the most difficult task.
I take those few careful steps to Shinji's door and slide it open as quietly as I can. I take a feep breath to steady my nerves before stepping into his room. It's dark, save for a thin slither of light coming in through a crack in his curtains. The light is providing just enough illumination for me to see him lying on his bed. He's facing away from me, good, that'll make this easier.
I silently approach the side of the bed and place the gift and card down on his bedside table before kneeling next to the bed.
"Shinji..." I whisper to him, "I'm... I'm leaving. I don't know how long I'm going for, it might be a short amount of time or it might be forever but please... promise me you won't look for me okay."
I let out a sigh, "I... I just... I don't deserve to be here with you guys. You're all good people but me... I'm not, I was horrible to you all, I was a monster and... I know we should be leaving that in the past but I can't. I think about who I was every day and I just can't forget that. I just... I wanted to see you one last time and maybe do something nice for you."
I pause as I feel the stinging of tears in my eyes, I bring up a hand to wipe the tear away and continue to speak to him, my whispering voice trembling as I do so, "Today is your birthday isn't it? I got you a card and a gift, I hope you like it. I got you a new music player, I know you lost your old one and I know you loved it so... I wanted to get you something nice. I also... put some money in the card too, so get yourself something nice with it. Some new shirts to replace the white ones you always have or a nice cake."
I pause again and smile, "I'm sorry for everything I did Shinji. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else like I did. I just hope you know that I never meant it when I said I hated you, I always liked... no... I always loved you Shinji, I still do and... maybe I always will but I just can't be here anymore so... goodbye Shinji and... Happy Birthday."
With those final words I quickly turn around and leave his room. I rush back into my room blinking furiously and bringing my hands up to my eyes to wipe away any tears that threaten to run down my cheeks. I quickly grab my case and head back out into the hallway towards the front door. I slip my feet into my shoes and open the front door as quietly as I can.
As I step out a cool breeze hits my cheeks and I turn to see the solemn figure of Kozo Fuyutsuki.
"Fuyutsuki." I nod towards him.
"So, you're actually leaving? You don't want to change your mind?" He asks me.
"Yes." I confirm without hesitation, "Let's get this over and done with."
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
on
Shinjiglaringoveracoffeecup.jpg
donor
Less 'coming back to Germany' than 'running as far from Japan as she could'
XD
Not going to have a happy one after hearing 'I love you' and 'goodbye' like that... Oh, Asuka... ;_;
- Location
- Canada
Poor Asuka, and poor Shinji I can really see that happening. You open yourself up to someone so completely and then find out the hard truth that they don't need you as much as you need them. I kinda want to see Kaworu try and track down what he can find of seele to find some closure. Maybe some are kicking around in jail.
- Location
- Edinburgh
Oops, human doner has all sorts of weird implications doesn't it?
The saddest thing really is that they did need each other but after that initial time they just wouldn't communicate again. Asuka thought that Shinji now had all he needed because Misato and Rei were back, she thought that she didn't fit into that little group.
Shinji on the other hand couldn't see that Asuka needed someone to reach out to her because she seemed happy and he is... oblivious to everything. In fact Shinji and Harry Potter could have an obliviousness contest
---
I will admit I was a little bit nervous to see how people would react to her leaving the way she did. Originally I did have the idea that it'd be some huge argument that'd be the catalyst for her leaving but when I tried to plan it and write it it just didn't make sense for that to happen so I thought to go this route instead.
I wanted to go with this idea that Asuka still felt an immense amount of guilt for how she used to be and got herself in this self-affirming cycle where she wouldn't reach out and wouldn't make it known but because of that she would also be confirming in her own head that she was a monster because people didn't seem to reach out. That just seemed to make more sense to me.
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- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Her just giving up and leaving because things were quiet and she had a perfect chance to talk feels right. Her just chickening out and running away is all too believable.
- Location
- Canada
Kaworu better watch himself or he might wake up to a similar note.
- Location
- Edinburgh
I'm glad it made sense and seemed to fit, that's how I felt about it to. I just couldn't envision a big argument being the spark that led to her leaving. In my eyes it would just be a quiet and understated event.
He just need to be careful around his birthday
Chapter 9 - Get At The Truth - 1: Asuka
- Location
- Edinburgh
Hello everyone, been working on this little section of the next chapter for the past week. It actually ended up being a lot longer than I expected it to be for this one section but I wanted to make sure all these things were in there. So anyway here is the first section of chapter 9. The title comes from a line in a Meat Loaf song called Left In The Dark.
15th September 2021 – Early Morning – Kaworu's Apartment
There are several thoughts running through my head as I pick up my phone and try to work out the time in Japan right now. Right at the forefront is what I'm going to say to Rei when I speak to her. I still haven't quite made up my mind about what it is I'm going to do regarding the e-mail, I want to tell her but then if I do that means I have to send the damn thing and I'm still not sure if I should do that.
There is also the ongoing situation with Kaworu to consider. I know I don't have to tell Rei about what happened the other night but I feel like I have to. I feel like I have this duty to tell Rei the truth about it. I feel like I'll be worse off in some way if I keep that from her.
At the same time, I don't even know what me and Kaworu are at the moment. Are we just good friends or something more? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now? It's not as if we've sat down since we kissed and spoke about it. Yet, I know that we are something because of the way we speak to each other, because of the way we look at each other and the way that I feel about him. I feel comfortable around him, I feel like I can talk to him and tell him anything.
The proof of that was last night when I told him the circumstances of my leaving Japan to come back to Germany. It's a story I hadn't told before, it was a day I hadn't thought about for a very long time. I hadn't even told Rei about what had happened on that day and she is my best friend. So clearly that means me and Kaworu have something.
I am still apprehensive about what that thing might be though. I don't know if I'm ready for that sort of thing or if I can be the person Kaworu needs. I still feel like the only thing I'm good for is hurting him and other people, I still remember clearly that person I was before Third Impact and I worry that she is still there. I still worry that people will remember that person too and realize that I'm not worth the effort. I don't want to be alone, I don't want people to abandon me but at the same time I know what I was and if they did I only have myself to blame.
I wonder if this thing between Kaworu and myself is a good thing. Kaworu deserves someone nice and kind for him, he deserves someone who can provide warmth and comfort and support. Someone like...
I shake my head before my mind travels down that path. Of all the people I can think of who would be perfect for Kaworu it would have to be Shinji wouldn't it? Shinji does fit that bill though, sure he was a bit of an idiot and oblivious but he was kind, he was nice to be around and before things went downhill he could provide support. As Eva pilots we brought out the best in each other, I just didn't want to admit that back then.
Of course, Kaworu would have been perfect for him too. Kaworu is good looking, kind and able to listen. The two of them would actually have been a good couple were it not for the whole betrayal and one having to kill the others. I'm not sure that is a bridge that can be mended now and naturally there is Rei to consider, I dread to think what she would do if Kaworu approached Shinji.
I stop mid thought and shake my head, what the hell am I thinking? Why am I thinking all of this, why am I pairing this guy up with someone else when it's me who likes him and who kissed him. What the hell happened to me? Why can't I just allow myself to pursue happiness for myself? I want to be with Kaworu! I don't to actually try this and prove I'm not that person anymore, that's why I didn't run.
That's why I am still here right now, that's why I kissed him and why I spent last night cuddled up with him. That's why I told him the story of how I left Japan. I like this guy and... maybe, just maybe I actually deserve to be happy too.
I look down at my phone again feeling I can't put this off any longer. I scroll to Rei's name and fire off a quick message telling her to call me. I don't want to risk phoning her first and having Shinji answer, this time I'm doing it as we arranged. A minute later my phone starts to ring and I quickly answer it, "Rei?"
There is a brief moment of silence and I worry that maybe it is Shinji but much to my relief I hear her voice come through, "Hello Asuka, it's good to hear your voice."
I smile to myself, "It's good to hear yours too Rei, I was worried for a moment that it might have been Shinji?"
"Shinji is not here at the moment, he is out with Touji and Kensuke."
"Oh, that's good! He still doesn't suspect anything does he?"
"No he does not, at least he has not said anything."
"Good..." I nod my head, "I wouldn't want him to... find out about me like that. I want him to find out properly. That's... why I'm calling you actually, there's something I wanted to ask you."
"Are you ready to tell Shinji you are alright?" Rei's question comes quickly and I can hear the excitement in her voice.
I let out a sigh, "I... I don't know Rei, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I've got a few... issues that need working out."
"Yes, I am aware." I can hear the sarcasm in her voice.
"You know Rei, there is a time and place for sarcasm."
"I apologize."
"It's fine, I'll allow it... but only because you're my best friend." I laugh.
"What is it you wished to talk to me about?"
"It's about... Well over the last few weeks a few things have happened and it's made me do a lot of thinking. I mean you came to visit me in Germany and then we found out about Kaworu it just... made me think about the past and why I left Japan... I keep on thinking about what I've asked you to do, to hide the truth about me and I'm wondering if I should... contact them."
"If there is anything I can do to help I will do so!" Rei cuts me off, again sounding very excited by what I'm saying, "I can arrange travel and somewhere for you to stay."
"Wait! Rei... Wait..." I stop her, "I don't know if I'm ready for... anything in person but I... I wrote an e-mail to Shinji. I was going to send it and it was going to explain everything, like why I left and what I've been doing but it was also going to... I was going to mention you. I wanted you to look at it first and... Make sure it was alright I guess."
"I see." Rei pauses for a moment, "That should be acceptable, when will you send it?"
I freeze for a brief moment as I realize the implications of what I've just said. I feel that rush of nerves in side my stomach, there is no going back now.
"I... I'll send it this afternoon."
"That's great! Do you want me to show him as well?"
"No!" I quickly reply, "No, absolutely not... not yet. I just want you to look at it. I've... explained about you finding me and why I left and a few other things. Just take a look and tell me if you want anything changing, I don't want... to cause any problems for you."
"I understand." Rei pauses, "I am happy for you to tell the truth about our situation though. I am sure that he will understand and there will be no issue."
"I hope not." I hesitate for a moment before moving onto the next section, "Thank you Rei."
"It is not a problem, I am so glad that this is finally happening."
I let out a laugh, "Well... don't get too far ahead of yourself yet. I still need to send it to him and then... well we'll see what happened. Just don't think I'll be flying out there next week okay."
"Don't worry I will be patient but when you have sent it we should look at flying you over here to see him and MIsato and the others. I'm certain they'll all be so happy to hear from you!"
"Yeah..." I want to believe what she is saying but my mind just doesn't let me believe it. After the way I left and all the ways I hurt Shinji before that I can't believe he'd ever be happy to hear from me again. I'm also fairly certain that flying out there like Rei wants is probably out of the question too. Even if Shinji is happy to see me I still have to deal with the likes of MIsato and the others and I know that they'll probably have a less than favorable opinion of me.
Suddenly as I look at the phone in my hand I start to wonder what it is I'm doing. Should I really be contemplating sending this e-mail? Is this really worth it? What exactly am I trying to achieve? It's too late now though, I'd already said I'm going to do it and... I'm sick of running away. I don't want to run away anymore.
"I know you have difficulty believing that Asuka." Rei suddenly speaks, "But they do. Misato speaks about you often, she told us how she regrets the way she treated you and that she should have done more for you."
I shake my head, "She's just saying that..."
"No she isn't." Rei stops me, "She was really upset the day you left, she blamed herself for it all and was ready to do everything she could to get you back. The only reason she didn't is because Fuyutsuki told her about your demands. Even then she still tried to find you for at least a month afterwards."
I sit down on the bed, Rei had never told me that before. I always thought that Misato just accepted that I had gone. I wonder what I would have done if she had tracked me down, would I have gone back willingly? Would I have told her to go away? If she had tracked me down and found me it would have been confirmation that they did care but would I have believed it back then?
"Rei..."
"The others as well, HIkari misses her friend, she was looking forward to going back to school with you in her class. Even Touji and Kensuke missed you."
"Well I didn't miss those idiots!" I laugh, "Look Rei just... don't expect me to be back over there immediately. It's not that easy, even if I wanted to I have commitments here with the book and with... Kaworu too..."
"What about over Christmas then? It would be wonderful to see you over that time and Shinji has a performance with his new group that I am sure he'd love for you to attend." There is a brief pause, "I suppose... if he proves himself then Nagisa would be able to come as well."
"Yeah..." I trial off and think about it. It does sound nice, my book releases at the start of December and then spending time with them in Japan? Would I be able to do it? I'm not sure, I still don't know if I can send this damn e-mail yet and besides I still don't know how people will react. Rei is telling me these things about how I was missed and how people care but I don't know how true that is.
Besides... there is Kaworu to consider as well. Me and Kaworu... we are something now and we probably will be by then. I might be welcome, but would he? How would they react if we turn up as a couple?
"Actually Rei... I need to tell you about Kaworu..."
"What is it? Has he hurt you?"
"No! Nothing like that, it's just..." I sigh, "He invited me to his place for dinner other night for dinner and... it was really nice Rei and I... I kissed him. I... I think I like him..."
"You kissed Nagisa?"
I feel my stomach drop as the tone in her voice gets darker. All of a sudden, I get the feeling that I've just done something very wrong.
"Yes... I did."
There is a long pause from the other end of the line, "Rei, are you okay?"
"I am afraid I have to go. Goodbye Asuka." I can hear the venom in her voice as she speaks to me. It's frightening in a way. I've never heard her sound angry like that before.
"Wait Rei don-"
I try to stop her from going but I barely get halfway through my sentence before the line goes dead. I stare at the device for a few moments and feel my hand tighten around it. I stand up and try to suppress the urge to throw my phone at the wall in anger. Not anger at Rei but at myself, I should have known better than to tell her that.
A moment later my phone vibrates again. It's a message and I know it'll be from Rei. I don't know what it'll say but after hearing her hang up like that I almost dread to think about it. I should have waited to tell her about myself and Kaworu, I should have waited until she had the chance to believe he wasn't the person she thought he was.
Slowly I turn my phone around to look at the message. Just as I expected it is from Rei, 'I do not wish to continue this conversation or speak with you today. Goodbye.'
What the hell is that supposed to even mean? My hand hovers over her contact details ready to call her again and try to work this out but I feel like she won't answer. Maybe I can send her a message but with her like this would she even read it? Instead all I can do is grip my phone tightly in my hand and suppress the urge to scream out.
I can feel my arm starting to drop and get myself ready to hurl the phone at the wall but a soft tapping at the bedroom door stops me. I don't turn around as the door opens and Kaworu enters the room quietly.
"Asuka… is everything alright?"
"Fine…" I reply through gritted teeth.
"What happened?" He asks me as he enters the room.
"I… told Rei about us kissing and I seem to have pissed her off." I keep my back to him and shrug as I speak.
"I… It is understandable given her feelings about me." Kaworu replies solemnly, "I am sorry I have caused trouble for you."
"Idiot! Don't you dare! This isn't you, this is… that stubborn… argh!" I spin around and come face to face with Kaworu, "This isn't your fault Kaworu. You haven't caused any trouble, Rei is just being… an idiot."
"I do not think she is." Kaworu speaks softly, "Rei's fears and feelings towards me are understandable given what I have done in the past. I am… not surprised that such a thing would anger her."
"Well it's annoying!" I bark back, "It's annoying and she's a goddamn idiot!"
Kaworu steps closer to me and brings his hand up slowly to my cheek. I lean into the warmth of his palm and sigh, "I… The last thing I wanted to do was piss her off, she's been one of my only friends Kaworu, the only one who understands."
He nods, "I know and I wish there was something I could do to help, perhaps I could contact her myself?"
I laugh, "I doubt you'll accomplish much with that but… whatever, give it a go."
He smiles, "I will Asuka… I would not like to see your friendship with Rei broken in such a way. I… dislike seeing you hurt."
"Thank you." I continue to stand there letting Kaworu run his hand through my hair and down along my cheek. I reach up with one hand and softly cup his cheek, my hand runs along his warm and pale skin. I allow my hand to reach up a bit further and my fingers meet his soft grey hair.
We stand like this for a moment until Kaworu leans in closer to me. I'm surprised by his boldness and ready myself as he places a hand on my hip and draws me in close. My lips meet his as we kiss for a third time this weekend. I feel Kaworu's hand on my hip slowly start to slide upwards and I wonder for a moment what his destination for it is, I wonder if he would be daring enough for that. He doesn't seem to be as it moves up and then around to my back.
I continue to return the kiss and part my lips ever so slightly to allow my tongue to slide through and meet his. I feel a moment of hesitation from him, understandable considering our previous kisses didn't go that far but he soon gets the idea. At the same time I allow my other hand to explore what I can of his body, I run it up his side and to his back before moving back down to grip his firm backside.
I almost laugh when I hear the soft gasp leave his lips through our kissing. If this is how he reacts to me touching his backside I wonder how he'd react to… actually no, I'm not going to think about that yet. My body might feel ready but my mind isn't and I can't help but feel it's the same for him. For now this is nice, this kissing and light touching is nice.
We continue this for moments before I break the kiss and look up at him, "Shall we… make ourselves more comfortable?"
15th September 2021 – Early Morning – Kaworu's Apartment
There are several thoughts running through my head as I pick up my phone and try to work out the time in Japan right now. Right at the forefront is what I'm going to say to Rei when I speak to her. I still haven't quite made up my mind about what it is I'm going to do regarding the e-mail, I want to tell her but then if I do that means I have to send the damn thing and I'm still not sure if I should do that.
There is also the ongoing situation with Kaworu to consider. I know I don't have to tell Rei about what happened the other night but I feel like I have to. I feel like I have this duty to tell Rei the truth about it. I feel like I'll be worse off in some way if I keep that from her.
At the same time, I don't even know what me and Kaworu are at the moment. Are we just good friends or something more? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now? It's not as if we've sat down since we kissed and spoke about it. Yet, I know that we are something because of the way we speak to each other, because of the way we look at each other and the way that I feel about him. I feel comfortable around him, I feel like I can talk to him and tell him anything.
The proof of that was last night when I told him the circumstances of my leaving Japan to come back to Germany. It's a story I hadn't told before, it was a day I hadn't thought about for a very long time. I hadn't even told Rei about what had happened on that day and she is my best friend. So clearly that means me and Kaworu have something.
I am still apprehensive about what that thing might be though. I don't know if I'm ready for that sort of thing or if I can be the person Kaworu needs. I still feel like the only thing I'm good for is hurting him and other people, I still remember clearly that person I was before Third Impact and I worry that she is still there. I still worry that people will remember that person too and realize that I'm not worth the effort. I don't want to be alone, I don't want people to abandon me but at the same time I know what I was and if they did I only have myself to blame.
I wonder if this thing between Kaworu and myself is a good thing. Kaworu deserves someone nice and kind for him, he deserves someone who can provide warmth and comfort and support. Someone like...
I shake my head before my mind travels down that path. Of all the people I can think of who would be perfect for Kaworu it would have to be Shinji wouldn't it? Shinji does fit that bill though, sure he was a bit of an idiot and oblivious but he was kind, he was nice to be around and before things went downhill he could provide support. As Eva pilots we brought out the best in each other, I just didn't want to admit that back then.
Of course, Kaworu would have been perfect for him too. Kaworu is good looking, kind and able to listen. The two of them would actually have been a good couple were it not for the whole betrayal and one having to kill the others. I'm not sure that is a bridge that can be mended now and naturally there is Rei to consider, I dread to think what she would do if Kaworu approached Shinji.
I stop mid thought and shake my head, what the hell am I thinking? Why am I thinking all of this, why am I pairing this guy up with someone else when it's me who likes him and who kissed him. What the hell happened to me? Why can't I just allow myself to pursue happiness for myself? I want to be with Kaworu! I don't to actually try this and prove I'm not that person anymore, that's why I didn't run.
That's why I am still here right now, that's why I kissed him and why I spent last night cuddled up with him. That's why I told him the story of how I left Japan. I like this guy and... maybe, just maybe I actually deserve to be happy too.
I look down at my phone again feeling I can't put this off any longer. I scroll to Rei's name and fire off a quick message telling her to call me. I don't want to risk phoning her first and having Shinji answer, this time I'm doing it as we arranged. A minute later my phone starts to ring and I quickly answer it, "Rei?"
There is a brief moment of silence and I worry that maybe it is Shinji but much to my relief I hear her voice come through, "Hello Asuka, it's good to hear your voice."
I smile to myself, "It's good to hear yours too Rei, I was worried for a moment that it might have been Shinji?"
"Shinji is not here at the moment, he is out with Touji and Kensuke."
"Oh, that's good! He still doesn't suspect anything does he?"
"No he does not, at least he has not said anything."
"Good..." I nod my head, "I wouldn't want him to... find out about me like that. I want him to find out properly. That's... why I'm calling you actually, there's something I wanted to ask you."
"Are you ready to tell Shinji you are alright?" Rei's question comes quickly and I can hear the excitement in her voice.
I let out a sigh, "I... I don't know Rei, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I've got a few... issues that need working out."
"Yes, I am aware." I can hear the sarcasm in her voice.
"You know Rei, there is a time and place for sarcasm."
"I apologize."
"It's fine, I'll allow it... but only because you're my best friend." I laugh.
"What is it you wished to talk to me about?"
"It's about... Well over the last few weeks a few things have happened and it's made me do a lot of thinking. I mean you came to visit me in Germany and then we found out about Kaworu it just... made me think about the past and why I left Japan... I keep on thinking about what I've asked you to do, to hide the truth about me and I'm wondering if I should... contact them."
"If there is anything I can do to help I will do so!" Rei cuts me off, again sounding very excited by what I'm saying, "I can arrange travel and somewhere for you to stay."
"Wait! Rei... Wait..." I stop her, "I don't know if I'm ready for... anything in person but I... I wrote an e-mail to Shinji. I was going to send it and it was going to explain everything, like why I left and what I've been doing but it was also going to... I was going to mention you. I wanted you to look at it first and... Make sure it was alright I guess."
"I see." Rei pauses for a moment, "That should be acceptable, when will you send it?"
I freeze for a brief moment as I realize the implications of what I've just said. I feel that rush of nerves in side my stomach, there is no going back now.
"I... I'll send it this afternoon."
"That's great! Do you want me to show him as well?"
"No!" I quickly reply, "No, absolutely not... not yet. I just want you to look at it. I've... explained about you finding me and why I left and a few other things. Just take a look and tell me if you want anything changing, I don't want... to cause any problems for you."
"I understand." Rei pauses, "I am happy for you to tell the truth about our situation though. I am sure that he will understand and there will be no issue."
"I hope not." I hesitate for a moment before moving onto the next section, "Thank you Rei."
"It is not a problem, I am so glad that this is finally happening."
I let out a laugh, "Well... don't get too far ahead of yourself yet. I still need to send it to him and then... well we'll see what happened. Just don't think I'll be flying out there next week okay."
"Don't worry I will be patient but when you have sent it we should look at flying you over here to see him and MIsato and the others. I'm certain they'll all be so happy to hear from you!"
"Yeah..." I want to believe what she is saying but my mind just doesn't let me believe it. After the way I left and all the ways I hurt Shinji before that I can't believe he'd ever be happy to hear from me again. I'm also fairly certain that flying out there like Rei wants is probably out of the question too. Even if Shinji is happy to see me I still have to deal with the likes of MIsato and the others and I know that they'll probably have a less than favorable opinion of me.
Suddenly as I look at the phone in my hand I start to wonder what it is I'm doing. Should I really be contemplating sending this e-mail? Is this really worth it? What exactly am I trying to achieve? It's too late now though, I'd already said I'm going to do it and... I'm sick of running away. I don't want to run away anymore.
"I know you have difficulty believing that Asuka." Rei suddenly speaks, "But they do. Misato speaks about you often, she told us how she regrets the way she treated you and that she should have done more for you."
I shake my head, "She's just saying that..."
"No she isn't." Rei stops me, "She was really upset the day you left, she blamed herself for it all and was ready to do everything she could to get you back. The only reason she didn't is because Fuyutsuki told her about your demands. Even then she still tried to find you for at least a month afterwards."
I sit down on the bed, Rei had never told me that before. I always thought that Misato just accepted that I had gone. I wonder what I would have done if she had tracked me down, would I have gone back willingly? Would I have told her to go away? If she had tracked me down and found me it would have been confirmation that they did care but would I have believed it back then?
"Rei..."
"The others as well, HIkari misses her friend, she was looking forward to going back to school with you in her class. Even Touji and Kensuke missed you."
"Well I didn't miss those idiots!" I laugh, "Look Rei just... don't expect me to be back over there immediately. It's not that easy, even if I wanted to I have commitments here with the book and with... Kaworu too..."
"What about over Christmas then? It would be wonderful to see you over that time and Shinji has a performance with his new group that I am sure he'd love for you to attend." There is a brief pause, "I suppose... if he proves himself then Nagisa would be able to come as well."
"Yeah..." I trial off and think about it. It does sound nice, my book releases at the start of December and then spending time with them in Japan? Would I be able to do it? I'm not sure, I still don't know if I can send this damn e-mail yet and besides I still don't know how people will react. Rei is telling me these things about how I was missed and how people care but I don't know how true that is.
Besides... there is Kaworu to consider as well. Me and Kaworu... we are something now and we probably will be by then. I might be welcome, but would he? How would they react if we turn up as a couple?
"Actually Rei... I need to tell you about Kaworu..."
"What is it? Has he hurt you?"
"No! Nothing like that, it's just..." I sigh, "He invited me to his place for dinner other night for dinner and... it was really nice Rei and I... I kissed him. I... I think I like him..."
"You kissed Nagisa?"
I feel my stomach drop as the tone in her voice gets darker. All of a sudden, I get the feeling that I've just done something very wrong.
"Yes... I did."
There is a long pause from the other end of the line, "Rei, are you okay?"
"I am afraid I have to go. Goodbye Asuka." I can hear the venom in her voice as she speaks to me. It's frightening in a way. I've never heard her sound angry like that before.
"Wait Rei don-"
I try to stop her from going but I barely get halfway through my sentence before the line goes dead. I stare at the device for a few moments and feel my hand tighten around it. I stand up and try to suppress the urge to throw my phone at the wall in anger. Not anger at Rei but at myself, I should have known better than to tell her that.
A moment later my phone vibrates again. It's a message and I know it'll be from Rei. I don't know what it'll say but after hearing her hang up like that I almost dread to think about it. I should have waited to tell her about myself and Kaworu, I should have waited until she had the chance to believe he wasn't the person she thought he was.
Slowly I turn my phone around to look at the message. Just as I expected it is from Rei, 'I do not wish to continue this conversation or speak with you today. Goodbye.'
What the hell is that supposed to even mean? My hand hovers over her contact details ready to call her again and try to work this out but I feel like she won't answer. Maybe I can send her a message but with her like this would she even read it? Instead all I can do is grip my phone tightly in my hand and suppress the urge to scream out.
I can feel my arm starting to drop and get myself ready to hurl the phone at the wall but a soft tapping at the bedroom door stops me. I don't turn around as the door opens and Kaworu enters the room quietly.
"Asuka… is everything alright?"
"Fine…" I reply through gritted teeth.
"What happened?" He asks me as he enters the room.
"I… told Rei about us kissing and I seem to have pissed her off." I keep my back to him and shrug as I speak.
"I… It is understandable given her feelings about me." Kaworu replies solemnly, "I am sorry I have caused trouble for you."
"Idiot! Don't you dare! This isn't you, this is… that stubborn… argh!" I spin around and come face to face with Kaworu, "This isn't your fault Kaworu. You haven't caused any trouble, Rei is just being… an idiot."
"I do not think she is." Kaworu speaks softly, "Rei's fears and feelings towards me are understandable given what I have done in the past. I am… not surprised that such a thing would anger her."
"Well it's annoying!" I bark back, "It's annoying and she's a goddamn idiot!"
Kaworu steps closer to me and brings his hand up slowly to my cheek. I lean into the warmth of his palm and sigh, "I… The last thing I wanted to do was piss her off, she's been one of my only friends Kaworu, the only one who understands."
He nods, "I know and I wish there was something I could do to help, perhaps I could contact her myself?"
I laugh, "I doubt you'll accomplish much with that but… whatever, give it a go."
He smiles, "I will Asuka… I would not like to see your friendship with Rei broken in such a way. I… dislike seeing you hurt."
"Thank you." I continue to stand there letting Kaworu run his hand through my hair and down along my cheek. I reach up with one hand and softly cup his cheek, my hand runs along his warm and pale skin. I allow my hand to reach up a bit further and my fingers meet his soft grey hair.
We stand like this for a moment until Kaworu leans in closer to me. I'm surprised by his boldness and ready myself as he places a hand on my hip and draws me in close. My lips meet his as we kiss for a third time this weekend. I feel Kaworu's hand on my hip slowly start to slide upwards and I wonder for a moment what his destination for it is, I wonder if he would be daring enough for that. He doesn't seem to be as it moves up and then around to my back.
I continue to return the kiss and part my lips ever so slightly to allow my tongue to slide through and meet his. I feel a moment of hesitation from him, understandable considering our previous kisses didn't go that far but he soon gets the idea. At the same time I allow my other hand to explore what I can of his body, I run it up his side and to his back before moving back down to grip his firm backside.
I almost laugh when I hear the soft gasp leave his lips through our kissing. If this is how he reacts to me touching his backside I wonder how he'd react to… actually no, I'm not going to think about that yet. My body might feel ready but my mind isn't and I can't help but feel it's the same for him. For now this is nice, this kissing and light touching is nice.
We continue this for moments before I break the kiss and look up at him, "Shall we… make ourselves more comfortable?"
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
You know, little things like that. :/
O_O
JennyDracos
Eccentric Hugging Lady
- Location
- Chicago
So.......did she go through the email and take some of the sexual frustration out?
- Location
- Edinburgh
Meh, who at one point hasn't betrayed their close friend and nearly caused an apocalypse?
Anyone....?
Just me then?
Making out whilst standing up can be uncomfortable, Asuka just wants to sit down on a couch or bed
Rei: Whilst I appreciate your feelings for my brother and am more than happy to encourage them I felt you could have left out the parts about where you wanted him to place and put certain parts of himself.
Well given Rei's protectiveness of Shinji and resentment of Kaworu for hurting him it makes sense why she wouldn't be keen on her best friend suddenly deciding to kiss him.
Asuka: "Uh, Kaworu?"
Kaworu: "Couch cushion and blanket forts aren't more comfortable?"
Asuka: "It wasn't what I was thinking of but that does look comfy."
Asuka: "Uh, Kaworu?"
Kaworu: "Couch cushion and blanket forts aren't more comfortable?"
Asuka: "It wasn't what I was thinking of but that does look comfy."
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
I approve of [X] Plan Blanket Fortress.
