16th September 2021 – Mid-afternoon – Misato's apartment
"I'm home!" I announce happily to no one in particular as the apartment door swings open. I peer into the hallway and start to try to bring everything I'm carrying into tight space. In one hand is my cello, tucked under that arm are a few papers from the session, held carefully in my other hand is a box and I have a backpack on. I shuffle carefully into the small hallway and almost manage to trip over a pair of Misato's shoes that were left there, fortunately I'm able to catch myself before anything gets damaged.
Now in the hallway I set the cello and other items down and start to remove my shoes. As I begin to do so I'm surprised to hear Rei's soft voice call back to me, "Welcome home!"
I smile to myself as I finish removing my shoes and I snatch up the box from the ground leaving the cello and session papers behind for the moment. As I make my way out of the hallway and into the living room I hide the box behind my back. I look around the room and see Rei is sat on the couch absent mindedly browsing something on her laptop.
I have to admit I'm a little bit surprised but happy to see Rei is back already. Mondays are usually when she volunteers at the school and she generally comes back later in the day. I actually wonder if everything is alright with her, it does seem unlike Rei to have skipped out on something like that and for most of yesterday and this morning she's seemed distracted and... sad I guess? I don't know why, I know she went out on a date with someone the other night but she said everything went well. Unless something has happened since.
As I enter the room and take a look at her I can see she still looked a little bit sad now. It would probably be hard for others to tell but I can. Her expression is one I recognize all too well, it's one I've worn myself on many occasions. Rei... It's weird to think I never saw it years ago but she does look a lot like me and shares a lot of similar mannerisms.
The thing is I know I can't just ask her directly what's wrong. I know that she won't tell me because that's another thing we share, she'll just evade it and pretend everything is okay. Eventually it'll build up inside her and I know from experience that it can only make things worse when that happens. It happened to me a long time ago and it felt awful.
The problem with this is that when I'm down and people can tell they'll stick with me and ask me what's wrong, they'll coax it out of me and I can't do that with Rei or other people. I'm just not very good at it, I don't know how to do that and I'm always afraid of upsetting them or annoying them. It's the same for everyone, I just ask them what's wrong and if they don't tell me I shy away. I've been like that with Rei, I've been like that with Misato and I was the same with Asuka when she was here.
All three of those people though they're good at doing that. Rei can be stubborn, she won't leave my side or she'll just hug me and not let go until I finally relent. Misato doesn't quite go that far but she gives me an opportunity to talk freely and without judgement.
Asuka… I smile as I think of her, she wasn't quite as nice with her method but she had a way of coaxing things out of me. She always had a way of getting me to see the bright side or just feeling better about a situation, she always kinda pushed me. I just wish I could have done the same for her and helped her out.
Whilst I might not be able to find out what is wrong by talking to her perhaps I can try to find out or at least cheer her up in other ways. What I have held behind my box is part of that. On the way home I bought her a cake from a bakery that I know she likes. It's a double chocolate sponge cake with a healthy amount of chocolate cream between the layers and a round profiterole sitting on the top.
"Are you okay Rei?" I ask her as I enter the room fully.
I see her nod, "I am fine, thank you.
I open my mouth briefly to maybe ask the follow up question, to ask her if she is sure or to point out that she is looking a bit sad but I simply can't do it. Instead I just weakly move the conversation along as if I can't tell that something is wrong.
"How were things at the school today? I noticed you're home early."
She looks across at me, "Yes, they were taking the students on a trip this afternoon so I only had to attend the morning classes. It went well. How was your session today, was it more comfortable than the last one?"
"Yeah! It… It was really good actually." I smile, "We got split off into pairs, I was paired up with a violinist and we seemed to get along quite well."
"Did you play anything?"
I nod enthusiastically, "Yeah! We didn't really have time to prepare anything so we decided it'd be best to just improvise. We decided on a key to play in and I just played some basic chords over a metronome, she would jump in and accompany me with a solo on her violin! It was incredible, I think people were actually impressed with us!"
Rei is smiling at this point so I continue, "The others were really good as well. Some of them already had an idea of what they wanted to play. We heard people play some things by Bach, some Mozart and one pair even tried to play some film themes. You should have heard them Rei!"
Rei smiles, "That is good to hear!"
"Yeah! After we each played for the group the conductor gathered us around and told us a bit more about what the performance he wanted to put on. He had this idea to do a history of music from the 18th Century onwards, composers like Bach and Beethoven but also move through to modern day."
I remember what he shown us and smile, "He gave us a potential playlist, I'm not exactly familiar with a lot of it. The classical stuff I know and like because it was what I grew up listening to but I don't know the modern stuff. He played a brief bit of some of it and it sounds quite complicated, I didn't realize the arrangements for some of the songs could be so complex, the time signatures used and the compositions are…"
I look over to see Rei almost grinning at me as I carry on speaking. I feel my face turning red realizing that I'm just talking and not really letting her speak, "Sorry, I'm… Anyway, It sounds quite complicated… I just hope I can do it."
My words seem to draw a faint smile from Rei, "Do not apologize, it is wonderful to hear you speak to passionately and I have absolutely no doubt that you will be excellent. You are extremely talented."
I can feel my cheeks glowing red, "I… I just practice a lot. I'm… not that good really, I still make a lot of mistakes and there are some things I can't play."
"And that is why you continue to practice so that you will be able to play such things and make fewer mistakes. I have heard you and you are very good, you should give yourself more credit."
I swallow down the words I'm about to speak to further downplay my abilities. It's a habit I need to get out of, that I'm trying hard to get out of. Rei is right, I do practice a lot and the reason I practice so much is so that I can play more advanced pieces one day.
I mean in many ways I already do play some complicated material. I also have a good grasp of the theory behind it. I'm able to read music, I can play in a variety of more complex time signatures with ease and I can handle transcribing music fairly well. So instead of downplaying it all I look at say and speak words I'm unfamiliar with when it comes to a compliment, "Thank you."
I shift awkwardly from one leg to another and decide now would be a good time to give Rei the present.
"Rei I… I got you something on the way home."
She looks at me in confusion as I bring the box around from my back and hand it to her. She looks at it for a moment before smiling, "You… I recognize this wrapper!"
"Yeah!" I nod, "You mentioned this place a couple of weeks ago and… well being honest I thought you seemed kinda sad this morning so I wanted to get you something to cheer you up."
"You went into the bakery and got this yourself?" She looked at me in surprise, "You were alright getting this?"
I nod, "Yeah… I mean it was still scary but my session went really well and I guess that helped me not be as scared of others. It was… pretty empty in there too so I didn't have to pass too many people and like I said I wanted to cheer you up, I don't mind doing something scary if it'd help you."
"Thank you!" She begins to untie the ribbon and opens it to reveal the slice of cake I've bought her. I smile as I see her eyes widen, "This looks delicious, thank you Shinji."
"I hope you enjoy it."
"I will." She replies, "Although I must inform you that you have nothing to be worried about regarding me. I am perfectly fine, you do not need to worry about me."
I can tell she isn't telling the truth but I just can't bring myself to say anything else. I'm just not very good at this sort of thing, if people come to me directly and tell me they're upset then maybe… maybe I sort of know what to do but I can't get people to tell me what's wrong. If they're being evasive like… well like I would be then I simply can't do it. I'm just scared of annoying them and them being angry with me.
So instead of saying anything else I just go back into the hallway and bring my cello and papers into the front room. I set them down behind the couch and see that Rei has already made a start on happily eating the cake. If I am going to say anything else then I should probably wait until after this, I wouldn't want to upset her now.
I sit down near to her and pull out my music player and the list of songs the instructor has given us. The idea behind the performance seems to be a brief history of music from the 18th Century onwards. This means some music I'm familiar with from the classical composers through to more modern material. I know a few of the more popular tracks but a couple I don't know, so I want to load it all onto my music player to listen to before next week.
I always feel strange using this player, it's been a constant companion to me since I received it on my birthday several years ago but it's also the only thing of Asuka that remains in this place. At first I refused to use it, looking at it upset me but over time I started to think about Asuka taking the time to buy it and leave it for me. She'd be angry if I didn't use it and so I've kept it close to me at all times.
As I search through the store and start to download each track I glance quickly at Rei and see her sat and quietly focused on eating her cake. It's so obvious to me that something is wrong, it's the same expression that I have when something is bugging me and my inability to just say something keeps eating away at me. Why do I find this so damn difficult? Misato doesn't have this difficulty, Rei doesn't and Asuka certainly didn't! What am I afraid of?
'Being hated and abandoned by them. Losing friends and family due to saying the wrong thing. Pissing her off so she yells and leaves.'
I hate my brain sometimes.
"You are still concerned about me aren't you?" Rei suddenly speaks.
I nod, "Yeah… You just… You look sad Rei."
"As I said before I appreciate your concern but I am perfectly fine." Rei smiles at me, "Tell me more about the performance."
She's being evasive, I know she is because it's the exact same thing I'd try to do. I open my mouth to protest or counter it but I just can't, "Well… He wants us to learn and play tracks from classical composers through to modern artists, he seems to like a lot of rock music so I'm interested in how we're going to perform those."
"Well it just be your group or will you have others accompanying you?" She asks.
I shrug, "I think it'll just be us but I'm not sure."
"Then that should be interesting, I was not sure if you would be playing with an actual band or not for the songs."
"I don't think so but I think he might get someone to sing the songs." I reply, "Hey… If this does happen you and Misato will attend right?"
"I would not miss the opportunity to see my brother play for anything. Of course we will be attending."
"Thank you." I smile, "It's a shame that…"
I stop myself immediately from finishing that sentence. She's been on my mind a lot recently so I guess it makes sense for me to think that. I guess with finding out about Kaworu being back I've been wondering about her as well. I wonder where she is right not, I wonder if she is happy and doing well for herself.
I look over to see Rei frowning, "I know Shinji, I would have liked that too."
"Do you miss her too?" I ask.
Rei nods, "Yes I do."
"Is that what has been bothering you?" I ask, "I know hearing about Kaworu being back probably brought… certain things back."
She looks over at me, "As I have said, there is nothing bothering me."
"Are you sure? You just see-"
Rei suddenly stands up and snaps at me, "Yes! I am absolutely certain! There is nothing wrong with me at all, you do not need to keep on asking. I am going to go and shower now, thank you again for the cake."
I am given no chance to reply as she moves swiftly past me and into the bathroom. I consider following her and saying something else but I know it'll only make things worse. Instead I simply sit there and silently curse myself for trying to press her further. Maybe I was wrong about the whole thing and nothing was wrong, I should have just said nothing. I guess I'm just not very good at this sort of thing.
The best thing I can probably do now is apologize to her when she comes out. If there is something wrong then Misato can probably deal with it, she's so much better than I am. I should have spoken to her first. What did I ever think I was going to accomplish with it?
I let out a sigh and stand up to take my cello into my bedroom. As I do this I hear the sound of Rei's phone going off, I turn around to see it sat on the coffee table and wonder if I should leave it or take it to her. I listen out for the sound of running water, I can't hear anything so it seems safe to take it to her now and maybe I can apologize as well.
I grab the phone from the table and the screen lights up immediately in my hand. I take a quick look at the top of the message preview just to see who it's from and I see that it is from a private number. It's likely to just be rubbish, in which case I probably shouldn't bother Rei. I quickly check the top of the message to make sure,
'Rei. It's Asuka, please call me. I know you're angry at me but you have to let me explain. I'm free all day today so just call me.'
I feel sick. My stomach is churning as I read over the message again. My head starts spinning and I feel my body start to break out in a cold sweat. My vision goes blurry as I slow my breathing and try to process just what it is I've read. That… can't be true, it has to be some sort of joke right? That can't actually be a message from Asuka.
It just… It can't be! Why would Asuka be sending Rei a message? How could Asuka be sending Rei a message? Asuka isn't… Rei doesn't… They aren't… No… No No No No No, this doesn't make any sense damnit. This has to be a joke because if it isn't then it means something I can't believe. It means that Rei is in contact with Asuka, it means that Rei has been lying to me and Misato and… Rei wouldn't do that, would she?
Questions rush through my mind about the situation. Is this why Rei has seemed out of it for the past day? What did Asuka do? What did Rei do? How long have they been in contact? Why didn't Rei say anything to me or Misato? Rei knows how I feel about Asuka, she knows how much Asuka leaving hurt me so if she knew where Asuka is or that Asuka is alright then why didn't she tell me?
"Shinji?"
I hear Rei's voice from behind me and my grip tightens on her phone. The churning in my stomach hasn't ceased and I start to fear that I might throw up. I slowly stand up straight and turn to face her. She shoots me a look of concern but then looks from my face to the phone clutched tightly in my hand.
"What are you doing with my phone, is everything alright?"
"Y-Your phone… You… A message, I didn't mean to read it. I thought it was junk but…"
"A message…" She looks at me directly in the eyes and immediately I see a look of fear spread across her face, "From who?"
"Asuka…" I reply as I feel the tears start to well up in my eyes, "I-Is it really her?"
Rei looks at me and opens her mouth halfway before closing it. She looks terrified and stands silently for a moment before lowering her head, "Yes… It is."
Her admission makes me feel like I've been punched in the gut. So it really was Asuka who sent that message, it really was her. I feel like I should be delighted that she is alright but all I feel is anger and sadness.
"H-How long have you been in contact with her?" I ask trying to keep the tears at bay.
"Just over three years…" She admits, "I… The first time I went to Europe was to track her down and I did…"
"Track her down! You mean you've actually met her?" I raise my voice as I ask her, "For over three years you've been in contact with her and not said anything to me?"
Rei simply nods her head, I can see a tear rolling down her cheek, "Yes."
"Why? Why would you hide that from me Rei? Y-You knew…" My voice starts to crack with emotion, "After what happened Rei, you hid this from me? Why?"
"I… I can explain Shinji, it isn't…" She almost sobs as she speaks, "I didn't want to hide it from you."
"But you did! Why?"
Rei seems to hesitate for a moment, "She didn't want me to tell you… It's…"
If the admission before felt like a punch to the gut this felt like a punch and a kick. I stare at Rei blankly and try to take in what she has just said. I wait for her to maybe add something else but she seems unable to do so as she stands there sobbing. I feel tears rolling down my own cheeks and anger within me, "She… didn't want you to?"
Rei shakes her head, "I wanted to but…"
"Then why didn't you?" I yell back at her, "I'm supposed to be your brother! You knew… You knew how I felt about her and you hid this from me! All those times you spoke about missing her and how bad you felt about her leaving and you were speaking to her all along."
"I-I know…"
"I trusted you Rei… I thought I thought I could trust you but you… You betrayed me, you're… you're just like him!"
"Shinji please!"
"No!" I shout back at her, "Just… Leave me alone."
I barge my way past her and back into the hallway. I have to leave, I have to get out of this apartment, I don't know where but I just know I have to get far away from here. Behind me I hear her call out and sob but I ignore it as I shove a pair of shoes on and rush out of the front door. I wipe away the tears from my eyes and run from the apartment as quickly as I can. I rush down the stairs and out onto the street, I jog onto another street and into a nearby alleyway to stop for a moment. My stomach is still churning and I worry for a brief moment that I might throw up but I manage to stop myself.
I look back towards the alleyway entrance to see if anyone has followed me. No one has, at least not yet. I take a moment to try to think about what has just happened. Rei found Asuka three years ago and has been in contact with her ever since. I still can't believe she would do that and not tell me, I think about what she said about Asuka not wanting her to tell me about it. Why would Rei agree to that?
I just don't understand and I don't think I want to. I just want to get away from here. I check my pockets and see I've got my transport cards and phone with me. I have to get away from this place and this. I need to be alone where no one can find me and work this out. I need to get away from Rei.
