Asuka Langley Soryu
I hear a soft moan of satisfaction as Kaworu snuggles his head into my shoulder, his hair tickling me ever so slightly. In response I bring my arms around his body and run a hand down his back. I let out a satisfied sigh of my own as I try to ignore the little alarm going off in the back of my mind. I look over towards the clock on our bedside table, it's not as bad as I thought, we still have at least half an hour until the car picks us up.
We should really have been ready an hour ago but as it is here we are in one another arms, both very tired, very sweaty, very naked and extremely satisfied. If I had the choice I'd shut my eyes, fall asleep and just rest here with kaworu but reality is setting in. We have to get out of this bed, we have to put some clothes on and leave.
Damnit, why did we have to get like this this morning of all mornings? I'm not even usually a morning person, I prefer this sort of thing in the evening. I hate my body sometimes, Kaworu's on the other hand, I quite enjoy that.
I glance down at the melted form in my eyes, it seems cruel to disturb his rest. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, "Kaworu..."
I get a soft movement of his head as he snuggles into me some more, "Mmm... I love you Asuka..."
I plant a soft kiss on the top of his head as I blush, I'm still not quite used to hearing or feeling I deserve to hear those words, "I love you too Kaworu but.... we... have to get up. Like... Now."
"Why? It's comfortable here..." He protests and snuggles into me once again. I'd be slightly annoyed at his protests if I didn't want the same thing and if he wasn't so adorable and if what we had just done moments ago hadn't have felt so good.
"Because... A car will be picking up both up very shortly..." I speak calmly, there is no need for any of us to panic. We still have plenty of time to get ready.
Kaworu unfortunately does not share my desire to remain calm. He suddenly bolts upright, the back of his head almost connecting with my chin as he does so. I get the full brunt of his hair in my face and in one swift movement he throws the covers to the floor exposing us to the cooler air.
"Crap! I... I forgot... I... We...! Oh crap, oh crap! They... They're going to..." Kaworu gets off of the bed and looks around for a moment. He then hurries to his set of drawers.
"Kaworu! Calm down." I try to say something to calm my naked and pale boyfriend down as he flails around the room.
Unfortunately, my words have no effect on him, I watch as things unfortunately play out as I expect them to. He pulls a pair of boxers out of the drawer and starts to slide them on. I look on as he almost stumbles putting his leg through one of the holes. Normally I'd admire the display of Kaworu putting on his clothes but today his display is more amusing then seductive.
With his underwear on he heads to the wardrobe and begins to pull out his suit. I decide now might be a good time to try to calm him down again, "Kaworu... It'll be fine, we still have plenty of time!"
He shakes his head as he throws takes his trousers off of the hanger and puts the rest of the suit onto the bed, "No... No... If we're late then... They'll definitely say no, they..."
"Kaworu!" I call out his name as he scrambles to try to put his trousers on. Time seems to slow down as I realize exactly what is about to happen. I scramble out of the bed onto the same side as him, myself still completely naked. I put out my arms moments too late as he tries to put one of his legs into the set of trousers, he misjudges it in his haste and stumbles forward. I hear a small yelp from him followed by a loud thud as he hits the ground at my feet.
I glance down at him as he lies there with an embarrassed and dazed look on his face. I kneel down by his side, "Are you hurt?"
He shakes his head, "Only my pride..."
"Idiot." I mutter, "I told you to calm down."
"Help?"
I sigh as I stand back up and extend a hand to help him up, he averts his eyes from me sheepishly as he resumes putting on his clothes, at a much slower pace. At this moment I become more aware of my own nudity and some slight embarrassment creeps in. I'm still not completely used to Kaworu seeing me like this, it's one thing for him to see me or parts of me in the heat of the moment but another to be completely naked around him outside of that.
I move past him towards the drawer, as I do I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stop for a moment and look at the faint scarring on my chest, my only 'souvenirs' of my time as an Evangelion pilot. I don't even have my hair clips anymore.
"Asuka, is everything alright?"
I turn to see the look of concern on his face and also realize my hand has now reached up to where my scars are. I nod, "It's fine."
"Are... Your scars hurting you?"
I shake my head, "No, they don't hurt. They never have done I just... Never really noticed them before."
"Sorry." He mutters as I shoot him a look. He opens his mouth to say something but quickly mumbles another infuriating apology.
I take another look at myself before deciding to put some clothes on. The first time Kaworu saw my scars properly he nearly cried, I wasn't quite sure why after all it wasn't his fault they were there. He explained later that the Evangelion Units responsible for that were actually powered by a dummy plug with his data within it. He actually felt responsible, funny that, the two men in my life both feel responsible in some way for my death and scarring.
I on the other hand don't blame them for it. The dummy plug was doing what it was told to do and even if Shinji had been able to help me fight them would it have mattered? Those things didn't seem like they could be beaten.
Do I hate those scars? Damn right I do, they remind me that I lost. They remind me of the pain I felt and they remind me that I died. They also remind me of how lucky I am to get a second chance. They're a double-edged sword, well perhaps lance would be more appropriate.
I glance quickly at Kaworu again as he finishes buttoning up his shirt and start to put my underwear on. It is strange how I am starting to feel more at ease with certain things around him. I never used to imagine myself as being the sort of person who could be comfortable naked or even semi naked around another person. I never even used to be comfortable being naked around myself.
Yet there is something about being with Kaworu that just puts me at ease. I'm still not completely comfortable but I'm a hell of a lot more than I ever thought I would be. I suppose that is proof that I am progressing in some way towards what I... want to be? I've actually let Kaworu see me, all of me, my scars and all. I... Well I've certainly seen all of him, he seemed slightly more apprehensive about it than I did. Ironic, considering he told me when he was an Angel he felt no shame about that sort of thing.
I continue to get ready, both of us getting our suits on fairly quickly. I brush my hair, spray on some perfume and add a small amount of makeup, nothing much but just enough to hide any evidence of our prior activities.
It doesn't take us long to get ready, truthfully, I've never been someone who took too long to get ready. Well, that isn't strictly true. When I was younger, when I was 'her', I would have taken a lot longer to get ready. I had to have the perfect look, the right dress, the right makeup and the right perfume for the time. I had to ensure it was all fine to get the spotlight on me, and me alone. Now... Well it's not that I don't care about how I look, I do care but I just don't want the spotlight to be on me. I don't want people to notice me, it's the last thing I'd want.
I look back in the mirror and as if by magic my good feelings from earlier fade away and the doubt and nervousness creeps in. I fire a glance at Kaworu, I can see that he is nervous as well, sat on the edge of the bed in his suit and glancing down at the ground. He looks pale, well paler than usual.
I look back at myself and start to ask myself questions in my mind. What if I'm not able to do this for Kaworu? What if I do end up failing him? What happens next? I've been talking to Shinji about this and others, we've decided that this isn't just about getting Kaworu to be able to go to Japan for a concert. This is about allowing him to live as a free person, to not be restricted or watched like some sort of villain.
If I fuck this up then... he's restricted, he's scrutinized and he loses that power. So, the question is, if I do fuck this up then will I also lose him? Will Kaworu hate me for fucking this up?
I try to fight these fears away but another voice is there warning me that I've done it again. I've talked big without realizing that I'm powerless to back it up. It's no different to how I used to be, arrogance and overconfidence and no ability. I'm preparing to fail and I haven't even gotten there yet. Let's be honest though, I'm no strange to failure, I've been doing it for most of my life.
This time though... It's different because I'm not alone in this fight and for once in my life I'm actually accepting it, I'm actually happy about it or at least I'm actually willing to admit I'm happy about it. Truth is, as much as I said that I hated being team mates with Shinji and Rei back then, when the three of use worked together it was some of the happiest moments of my miserable life. I just couldn't admit it. Well I can now, I need help and as much as it dents my pride to admit it I need to rely on others.
This all makes me feel slightly better, I know that together... we can do this. We might not be seperated by half the world but we can do it. Me and him, like we used to be able to. When we worked together... nothing could stop us. The invincible Shinji... I used to call him that with such disdain but today I'm calling him it because I believe it.
Please Shinji... Come through for us...
"Everything is... going to be alright... isn't it?"
I hear Kaworu softly speak and I turn to look at him again. He's still sat at the edge of the bed, his hands trembling with nerves. I try to hide away any doubt and fear I'm feeling. If I show that then it helps no one. I realize that I have to put up that front for just a little while today, I have to try and become... 'her' once again.
As I make my way towards him I wonder, just who is she? I cast my mind back to that fourteen-year-old version of myself, that girl I used to be and the one I'm so very afraid of. I think of her like some sort of ghost that haunts me. I think of her as if she is a spectre that I've tried to exorcise but she never truly goes away.
I'm not the only one with these ghosts though, Kaworu... Shinji... Rei... we all have them. All of them take the form of these versions of us from many years ago but we warp and distort them. They are made up not of who we are but who we think they were, created by our fears.
They aren't bad though, they aren't evil and we shouldn't be afraid to accept them. I... I sort of understand this now. I understand that the person I think of myself as being isn't the full story and that not everything about me back then was bad. Still... I have that worry, if I allow even a little bit of that girl to slip back in... will I not regress and lose who I am now?
No. I won't do that. I can't do that, I'm not scared of who I am. Not anymore.
So with that I kneel down in front of Kaworu and grin, "Of course it will!"
"Are you... sure?" He asks me.
I look into his eyes and nod, "Are you kidding? With me and the invincible Shinji in your corner, how can it go wrong?"
Good, confident with just the right amount of arrogance. I can do this, I can channel her. My words also seem to have had an effect on Kaworu. He smiles back at me, "Are you... nervous?"
I nod at him and take his hand, placing it on my chest and holding it over my rapidly beating heart, "Yes, but... that's fine. I was nervous every time I would go out and kick an Angel's ass."
He smiles as he holds his warm hand in place for a moment, "I watched your old footage you know... You were really talented."
"Of course I was! I trained for nearly ten years to get that good." I shoot back, "It's going to be fine Kaworu, we'll make them see sense."
"Shinji..." Kaworu removes his hand, "He is really going to help us?"
I give him another nod, "Yup, and I didn't even have to threaten him."
"Y-You wouldn't have done?" He asks me with some horror on his face.
"No! Of course, I wouldn't You idiot!" I reply instantly, "It's like I told you, he did take some persuading initially. He wasn't sure he could really help us."
"I know." Kaworu looks down, "I just... Worry that he hates me and might not do this."
I squeeze Kaworu's hand as I speak, "Shinji doesn't hate you. In fact I... I don't think Shinji is really capable of hating anyone. When I was at my worst towards him he didn't hate me, I yelled and screamed at him, I... I never hit him but I threw things and damaged stuff and he never hated me."
I pause for a moment, "I... I don't even think he hates his own father. It's... kinda annoying in a way, I think some people deserve to be hated. Some people you... can't forgive."
Kaworu nods, he understands what I'm talking about, he has confessed to me his conflicting thoughts on SEELE and his upbringing.
"Shinji... doesn't know how to feel regarding you but he definitely doesn't hate you and he wants to help you. I think with him helping we can do this. In fact, I know we can, there is no better team than me and Shinji."
I grin once more as I say those words. It's funny to think of myself saying such a thing whilst I'm trying to channel some of the confidence of that younger Asuka. She'd hate me for admitting I need help from anyone but I know there is no shame in it.
Still I do feel a slight dent to my pride as I say it. Those ideals were chiseled into me over and over again for almost ten years. I told myself repeatedly I had to do everything alone, that I didn't need anyone else and it was weak to rely on others. It's hard to undo ten years' worth of damage and trauma in half the time it took to put it in place.
Being friends with Rei, being in touch with Shinji again and falling for Kaworu... Well I feel like that has helped speed it up. Maybe it is fine to need other people.
"I really love you Asuka." Kaworu suddenly speaks, "Thank you... For everything."
My hand squeezes his once again as I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips, I get to my feet, "I love you too Kaworu. Now... Shall we get this over and done with?"
. Then again this is the same council that is letting Kozo and Rits run around so clearly they have a deep capacity for mercy.
