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Belated Battleships (KanColle) [REHOST]

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LordSunhawk said:
Look, it isn't the best written piece I've ever read, but it's not truly 'bad'. The grammar is pretty decent, the spelling is good, and it doesn't commit any of the writing sins that I truly deplore (it sticks to a consistent tense, it sticks to a consistent style, and it uses proper grammar/spelling). While he can work on the content, and should, for somebody who isn't a professional writer and 'only' a college student it's a solid effort.
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Which is entirely fine, but structure wise and prose-wise, it leaves a lot to be desired. A whole lot to be desired, in fact. What I mean is that the framework is sort of there, but everything falls very short. The prose is very dry and not interesting to read, the egregious amounts of 'description porn' is unnecessary and ends up just being padding, and there are a lot of points in the prose that can be streamlined, like in the examples I had posted earlier.

And finally, and this is a personal quibble I have that you can discard or not, but I am a bit annoyed by the amount of 'Military, Yeah!' you're (Thor) writing. This is so far the second omake for Belated Battleships that you have written, and in both, so far, I hadn't seen any shipgirls at all. Is this really something that would fit within the scope of Belated Battleships, or would this fit better as a work of your own fiction?
 
Icywinter said:
Which is entirely fine, but structure wise and prose-wise, it leaves a lot to be desired. A whole lot to be desired, in fact. What I mean is that the framework is sort of there, but everything falls very short. The prose is very dry and not interesting to read, the egregious amounts of 'description porn' is unnecessary and ends up just being padding, and there are a lot of points in the prose that can be streamlined, like in the examples I had posted earlier.

And finally, and this is a personal quibble I have that you can discard or not, but I am a bit annoyed by the amount of 'Military, Yeah!' you're (Thor) writing. This is so far the second omake for Belated Battleships that you have written, and in both, so far, I hadn't seen any shipgirls at all. Is this really something that would fit within the scope of Belated Battleships, or would this fit better as a work of your own fiction?
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Oh, by no means assume I am criticizing those offering honest critiques of the writing, for I am not and I apologize if I left that impression for it was completely unintentional. There is a great deal of improvement that can be made and any writer who wishes to improve welcomes even the harshest criticism (if I were to post up some of my writing here, I'd hunger for even the most cruel critiques, because that tells me what I need to work on). It's just that I think it's important to also mention what is done well, lest an aspiring writer gets discouraged and simply stops trying to write.

But yes, Thor, don't try and write like Tom Clancy, until you are at his level, devoting an entire long chapter to the first several milliseconds of a nuclear device initiation won't work *grins* work on more concise descriptions, be careful not to repeat them, and instead of using florid descriptions of a few things to fill the space, use sparse yet well chosen descriptions of the entire space to create an image in the reader's mind. Work on your dialogue to try and get more consistent 'voices' for your characters, and use those voices to convey some of your descriptions. Try to get inside their heads at points, when doing so that is the time to use more poetic language, but elsewhere keep it simple and prosaic. Try and match your characters voices to their roles, a professional naval officer will 'sound' different than a merchant sailor or an enlisted man, if you can try and find stories written by professional naval officers and sailors and base your voices off of them it will help immensely.

And yes, there were no kanmasu, but reading it this is at the *very* beginning of the Abyssal War, before there were any kanmasu anywhere, least of all in the US, so having them appear or be mentioned would have been anachronistic.
 
LordSunhawk said:
Sorry about that, thanks! I've only recently started watching/reading Kantai so I'm rather behind the 8-ball on things.
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Well as long as you don't spell/pronounce it as Kanmaso like a fair number of people used to do.

That's a portmanteau of Kantai Masochist. :V

Anyway @Thorthemighty your story has just way too many problems with it that if I were to try and critique it I'd be stuck here all day.
 
Whiskey Golf said:
Obligatory reminder by the way that @Thorthemighty is the same person who thought this ship

Could be upgraded into this ship:

Or even this ship:

Because they were all named HMS Indefatigable.
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It MIGHT work on Enterprise, since I heard somewhere they used parts of the Grey Ghost building Big E, and I think they intend to do the same with CVN-80. I think it was on either this or the SB thread, so no idea where to find sources, but even if it's true it's still unlikely.
 
Rampantfury said:
Must we really be shitting all over Thor like this?
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No, it's purely voluntary. [/Churchill]

LudicrousSpeedGo said:
Obligatory reminder: that was a jerk post... no matter how annoying Thor gets.
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Given that Thor is annoying in this thread, and Fanfic ideas, and in New Ironsides, and continues to be an annoying idiot with shit for brains, and has been annoying in PMs to me, I have no patience left for him.

Thor is part of why I'm keeping GG on hiatus because it's only by the grace of god he hasn't found GG yet despite the thread link being in my signature. :V
 
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glitchrrr36 said:
It MIGHT work on Enterprise, since I heard somewhere they used parts of the Grey Ghost building Big E, and I think they intend to do the same with CVN-80. I think it was on either this or the SB thread, so no idea where to find sources, but even if it's true it's still unlikely.
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Its the name plate and a buncha portholes. Thats like some earrings and an Annapolis class ring.

Pray tell me how wearing my mothers earrings will turn me into her. :/

I spent months on SB having to keep shooting this down in the GG thread. :/
 
Whiskey Golf said:
Its the name plate and a buncha portholes. Thats like some earrings and an Annapolis class ring.

Pray tell me how wearing my mothers earrings will turn me into her. :/

I spent months on SB having to keep shooting this down in the GG thread. :/
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Again, I remember hearing about this at some point a few months ago, couldn't find a reference to it, and didn't find what it actually entailed. I thought they used part of the structures or something somewhere on the new ship.

In any case, my mistake.
 
glitchrrr36 said:
Again, I remember hearing about this at some point a few months ago, couldn't find a reference to it, and didn't find what it actually entailed. I thought they used part of the structures or something somewhere on the new ship.

In any case, my mistake.
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It's okay, no worries. I've just had to periodically shoot this down.

The worst it got was when people were gleefully writing how having artifacts from CV-6 in CVN-65's hull meant that Big E's soul was a bodysurfing zombie that ate Nuke E's soul to sustain her and inhabit CVN-65's hull.

So yeah. Zombie budysurfing sould eating Enterprise, who eats her descendants and wears their skin. :|


That said supposedly USS New York is haunted on account of using steel from the WTC in her construction. IIRC the WTC steel got melted down and mixed jn with the steel. So there's a little bit of WTC everywhere in her.
 
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I'd never want Enterprise to be any of her successors. Each E has been uniquely special. What I am curious would be if Zulu, Nubian, and Zubian all showed up in the same place.
 
Apparently, the Philippines are still human held. Or I don't have enough reason to believe otherwise.
theJMPer said:
"If we take the South China Sea—if we even punch a corridor, we buy a whole mess of breathing room."

Ooyodo stood up, her hand cradling her chin as she stared at the map. "Uh huh…"

"Riau-" Goto circled a cluster of islands at the very southernmost tip of the sea, "Paracel-" he circled another cluster at the north-west corner, "And Spratly islands."

"Sir?" Ooyodo fingered the hip openings of her skirt.

"Those are their bases, they have to be," said Goto. "Reports said they were sorting shorter-ranged ships. PT-boats and coastal battleships, right?"

Ooyodo nodded, "Yeah."

"If they lose those, what's the next closest place for them to launch from?"

Ooyodo squinted at the map, then consulted her spreadsheet. Then back to the map. "Palau, sir."

"Fifteen hundred miles just to get to their hunting ground," breathed Goto, "And there's no way they can slip past the Philippines without getting spotted."
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However, much of the region around is Abyssal held.
 
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Not even the nameplate, BTW--CV-6's stern plate (the place where the ship's name is put on virtually all US warships) is preserved in a memorial park in New Jersey; it was just four portholes from her captain's in-port cabin that were transplanted to serve the same duty on CVN-65. Said portholes--and a similar symbolic section of CVN-65--will be used on CVN-80; presumably, CVN-65's stern plate and (unique) island nameplate will be preserved. (There are rumblings of someone wanting to preserve her entire island as a memorial, and the Navy being willing to do so, but I haven't heard anything about that in quite a while.)

Whiskey Golf said:
That said supposedly USS New York is haunted on account of using steel from the WTC in her construction. IIRC the WTC steel got melted down and mixed jn with the steel. So there's a little bit of WTC everywhere in her.
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All ships are haunted; to sailors, that's an undisputed fact. Even a brand-new ship has her ghosts. The difference is that New York (the current amphibious ship, not Texas's sister!) used six tons of WTC steel in her stem post, the structural member that runs up the very front of the bow, and, according to the sailors, is thus haunted by over 3000 terrified civilians. Ex-Navy ghosts are considered no big deal, because they're used to life at sea and act like sailors (see the story about Hornet's resident ghost sexually harassing a female volunteer until the curator went to the captain's sea cabin and asked for it to be stopped), but civilians aren't... and then you add in the fact that those civilians died screaming in terror, and, well, apparently, she's not an easy ship to live and work on.

Kiyone4ever said:
I'd never want Enterprise to be any of her successors. Each E has been uniquely special. What I am curious would be if Zulu, Nubian, and Zubian all showed up in the same place.
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Well, obviously, Zulu and Nubian would end up being conjoined twins! :lol
 
So Philippines is still under Human Hands.........
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Republic Boats.
 
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