"Takes a mighty brave soul ta try the ol' Nub Club trick in the middle o' battle. Well done, lass."
Alexandria beams at you, still guiding Eileen through some breathing exercises. Your feathery friend looks like she's about reached her limit, though you'll wait until your further out of stabbing distance before bringing that up.
"Anyway, as someone with a bit o' experience in the field, I can say there's only one thing ta do after winnin' a fistfight with giant spider monsters."
"And that is?"
"High-fives all around."
Johnathan and Alexandria each give your palm solid thwacks. Alexandria helpfully raises Eileen's hand high enough for the five.
"So, what all happened? Saw one o' the pricks comin' over the buildin' right before their big brother showed up ta have a word with me."
"One came over the building," says Johnathan, raising a clarifying finger. "The other two jumped out from somewhere closer to the Grand Cathedral to cut off our retreat. One of them hung back and let the others pincer us, firing off this explosive beam any time we tried to get around the killzone."
He motions towards the smoking furrows strewn about the area. Such a shame; that was some healthy fucking grass. Hopefully, one of the Churchmen has a green thumb.
You chastise yourself for then thinking "and hopefully it wasn't one of Alexandria's."
"Anyway, Simon lays into them with arrows right away and that slows them down. Then Ebrietas comes down and just cannons into the one hanging back. At this point, the two in melee are having trouble staying out of each other's way and one of them hesitates long enough for Steffon to put a cannonball through its head."
"Kickass."
"For a few seconds. Then the other one realizes it can cut loose. It manages to crush Elise's legs and Andrew's ribs before taking off Steffon's leg, Alexandria's hand, and Tobias' head with a beam. Soren gets squashed trying to close the distance, but that makes an opening for Eileen to have a go at its head."
He points towards the one that looks like it had a lawnmower facial and the pieces fall into place. You turn towards Eileen, eyes wide.
"Ye did that with knives?"
She nods, grinning.
"Ye're a fuckin' beast."
"And don't you forget it," she says.
You turn back to Johnathan. "What happened next?"
"So after that one goes down, we see Ebrietas and the third one just tearing each other apart. She backs off when it nearly rips one of her wings off, then summons this storm of stars that punch clear through the thing. Over in an instant. Afterwards, she scoops up the ones that need actual surgical care and flies off to take them to Doctor Iosefka." He shakes his head. "It's refreshing to have the ones you worship answer your prayers directly like that."
"She's a good person."
"Better than most of the ones without tentacles I've met," he replies.
You look towards the two bodies, both badly mangled.
"Any rites I can do for the deceased?"
"We'll have Todd or one of the others in the Chapel lay them to rest," says Alexandria, "but thank you."
"Fair enough." Tempting as it is, now's probably not the time to insist on a proper Catholic funeral service. You can always go back and do it later, anyway.
You give the corpses another look-over, admiring your companions' work, and another brilliant, world-changing idea takes form in that much-abused head of yours.
It's probably your imagination, but you think Eileen flinched the second that notion crossed your mind.
You turn towards Alexandria. "What would ye say ta some kickass giant monster prosthetics?"
She raises an eyebrow. "What, like attach its entire hand?"
"Not necessarily, unless ye wanna be the queen o' thumb wars. I know a guy who can work miracles with this shit." You pull out your club for reference. "This thing shoots explosion lasers. Think about it; laserhand."
"I'll, er, think about it," Alexandria replies.
"Take yer time." While she's thinking about it, you can puzzle out the logistics of Steffon firing a laser leg. Your current solution involves Djura picking him up and aiming him like a ballerina.
Speaking of precision violence...
"One last order o' business before we head back and regroup: the fucker I fought had a hype man; big ugly bald prick with a spider for a body. He ran off somewhere durin' all the fuss. Anyone up for huntin' 'im down with extreme prejudice?"
Johnathan raises his hand. Alexandria shakes her head.
"Got clipped during the fight and still can't run. You two go on ahead."
You nod and, with Johnathan in tow, head back towards the plaza, scrutinizing your surroundings for any hint of pencil-dicked arachnid.
"So you fought their leader?" asks Johnathan.
"Aye. Those ones you fought are called 'Lesser Amygdalas.' One I fought was Original Recipe Amygdala. Eleven herbs and spices, surprisingly-little salt."
"What?"
"Nothin'. Anyway, we had a proper donnybrook; he headbutted me through a buildin', I lasered 'im in the face. Not too different from some o' the more spirited arguments I've had in the past, really."
Sphinxes are very big on literal ad hominem once you start arguing semantics.
The two of you find Amygdala's body untouched by crows or anything else; "greater" doesn't necessarily mean "tastier," apparently. You take a moment to make sure Patches isn't hiding underneath him or in one of the many craters the two of you left behind. Johnathan, meanwhile scouts nearby buildings.
After about a minute's search, you hear skittering from the third floor of Johnathan's current target. You turn to see the spider of the hour scurry through a window, strained smile on his face.
"Master cleric! Congratulations on your victory. Never doubted you for a moment. I told Amygdala, I said to him: 'You watched him defeat the Lesser One; you'd best stay away from him.' But he didn't listen to Trusty Patches, no sir."
He's got a knack for this, you have to admit. Those Jehovah's Witness pests could learn a thing or two from him about fast-talking.
"But you're smarter than that, aren't you? You know that I've got plenty to offer a clever, resourceful man like yourself. At reasonable prices, of course.
"I've never raised a hand towards you, master cleric; what say we let bygones be bygones, put aside our differences to enjoy a mutually-beneficial partnership?"
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