Apocryphal Chapter - Bad End 1.4: The More Things Change
At least the room is nice.
Homura hadn't ever cared much about her living space. Her apartment was a place to rest, nothing more. The scant, ill-fitting decorations she would add were artifacts of habit, chosen for reasons she didn't remember and repeated across every timeline she could manage to minimize and possible divergences from what she knew. Before that… Homura couldn't recall. Maybe she'd had some small additions to the hospital ward she had spent her days in. The room she stayed in after Madoka- after X adopted her was different. Always filled with things, little toys and pictures and posters of things the older time traveler thought Homura would like. Her new room is the same. Each wall is plastered with posters of shows Madoka and Sayaka are always asking her to watch or games Kyoko and Mami play. Beneath them, the walls are a soft pastel purple inlaid with thin grooves. The marks form wide, whirling patterns that are only there if you squinted just right. Next to the door is a desk completely covered in various stuffed animals. Her bed is nestled between a nightstand and a dresser, both of which are topped with various framed photos.
The pictures are all fakes, Homura notices. Showing scenes no photographer could possibly have captured. Homura, Mami, and Madoka after Homura's first successful Witch hunt. Madoka and Homura, embracing at a bus stop in the rain. Kyoko, Mami, and Homura sitting in a couch staring intensely into the camera with controllers in hand. X, waiting at Homura's bedside in her apartment days after they met. The whole family, sitting around a table and talking animatedly with one another.
Homura blinks. That last one… she doesn't remember it. Is it even a real scene? Had that ever happened? She can't recall it, but even after what X promised, Homura hasn't eliminated the possibility of her mind being tampered with. Even if her mother has her limits, she had never been opposed to a little modification to make her children more capable. And Homura has already seen X do things she had never believed her mom would.
No, that's a lie. Again. Homura had known from the start that if X reappeared, she'd be another enemy. Like Madoka, like Mami, like Kyoko, like Sayaka. Mom always talked about making sacrifices. Giving up free time, giving up safety, giving up control. She had accepted that Madoka disappearing, vanishing from the world without a trace, was a sacrifice that was worth making.
Without even thinking, Homura flexes her wings. They strain against the glowing thorns tangled around them, drawing faint aches that promise much worse pain if Homura tests her limits. And like the coward she is, she pulls back. What can she actually accomplish here? She chose her role and played it to its conclusion. The demon, struck down in the name of righteous sacrifice. Again, Homura's wings rustle and dig into their bonds.
What is right about any of this? X wouldn't kill her. If she had wanted to kill Homura, she had the chance. This is all just… pretending. That things would go back to normal even with Madoka gone. This room, these pictures, the bonds that wouldn't hurt her as long as she just stopped- it is all an offer that Homura can't accept. And X must have known that from the start.
So what is her plan? The old veteran strategist never does things purposelessly. If she's keeping Homura around, she has a plan. A goal she wants to reach. And if she is going through the effort to set up this room, to dredge up these memories… she wants Homura back. Back as one of her agents. Back as part of her family.
Homura creeps back to her bed and lies down. It's soft, but still firm enough to support her body. X had really paid attention to every little detail.
And she'd wasted all that care and attention on Homura for some reason.
Somebody knocks on the door. Two knocks, quick and eager, and then a long pause before the third. Homura doesn't get up from the bed. Whoever it is, they'd let themself in. Whether Homura opens the door or not. She waits on the bed for the sound of the door opening, but nothing comes. Eventually, the person at the door knocks again. Slower this time. Less sure of themselves. Are they really going to make Homura get up to let them in? Pretend like she has any control here? A grim smile finds its way to Homura's face. She is a prisoner here. The only choices she has are the ones that are allowed to her. If X wants to act like that isn't the case, it will take more than a comfortable cell to make Homura play along.
Even so, she finds herself rising from the bed. Maybe if Homura does what she expected, X eill let her see Madoka. If she's careful, if she's smart, maybe she could convince her to change her mind. To let things go back to how they were, to figure out some other way that- Homura isn't sure what she's planning for. But anything will be worth it to keep Madoka from going back. Back into the Law of Cycles, forgotten by everyone who cared about her.
Homura's hands curl into fists, trembling. Her wings flex against the thorns wrapped around them. Anything will be worth it.
Just as her feet hit the floor, somebody calls out from the other side of the door.
"Hey, Homura? Are… you in there? X said this was your room."
That isn't X's voice.
Why is Sayaka here? And why foes she sound so nervous?
The last real conversation they'd shared had been unpleasant. Sayaka had accepted the Law of Cycles as it was, and as usual blamed Homura when things didn't go the way she was expecting. Homura was fine with that. It was normal. The way things were always going to go. After that, the two just… didn't talk. Homura avoided Sayaka when she could. She didn't have any desire to waste her time being glared at. It wasn't until near the end that things had changed. Sayaka had suddenly started guiding Madoka around, keeping her away from Homura. Had X contacted her then? It would have explained her sudden activity. And Homura should have expected her mother to start manipulating the situation before actually appearing. She should have been paying more attention. Shouldn't have been so stupid, so inattentive. If she had, maybe-
A second voice interrupts Homura's spiraling. "We just wanna talk. Not like we were hiding or anything, but we didn't say anything about coming up here, so you don't have to worry 'bout anyone else spying on our talk."
Kyoko. She and Sayaka are both here? What could they want with Homura?
It's something, though. Something Homura can do, talking with them. Better than just lying on that stupid perfect bed. She crosses the room in a few quick steps and opens the door.
"Oh!"
"Huh."
Two exclamations greet Homura on the other side of the door. Sayaka and Kyoko are both wearing their school uniforms. Are they still going to school? X had always been overly invested in the idea of them all being properly educated, in case they wanted a career outside of working for her. It must be sometime in the evening, then. Homura still can't figure out where she was, but at least she has some idea of when. That's something to work with.
"The wings are new." Kyoko comments. "What, did you get jealous of Madoka's and want a matching set?" Sayaka immediately elbows her in the stomach.
"I couldn't say. They simply appeared. I'm sure X would know more about the process." Homura says. Bitterness twists the last few words.
Sayaka scratches the back of her head and tries for an earnest smile. It turns out thin and brittle. "Right, that makes sense. She always was the one to know about that sort of thing. The rest of us were just sorta going along with what she said."
They were. Because they hadn't gone through what Homura had, had they? To Sayaka, Mami, Kyoko, and Madoka, X had just always been there.
Something must have been off with Homura's expression, because Sayaka and Kyoko both cringe. Homura tries to smile, but it doesn't help. For as much time as she'd spent masking her emotions, happiness was never easy to fake.
"Anyways…" Kyoko begins. "Can we come in? I'd rather not stand in the door this whole time."
"Why are you here?" Homura asks, ignoring Kyoko's request.
Sayaka is the one to answer her. Her expression is caught between frustration and sadness and Homura can't understand. "We just wanna talk. We… well, I've got some things I have to say."
"And I'm here to mediate!" Kyoko announces, clapping one arm around Sayaka's shoulder and pulling her into a brief hug. "Y'know, to make sure you two get along!"
That doesn't sound promising, but Homura has no other ways forward. She steps back, allowing the two into her room. Sayaka and Kyoko immediately start looking around, examining posters and photos like they actually matter and aren't all just props.
"Then talk. Say what you came to say." Homura says. There was a harsh edge to her tone, but it was weak and quiet. She felt tired.
Sayaka and Kyoko stop looking around and exchange an uncertain glance. The air is quiet and calm, waiting for the sound of voices to fill it again. Sayaka takes a deep breath.
"I'm mad at you."
Kyoko's hands rise to cover her face immediately, muffling an exhausted groan. Sayaka seems to choke on her words the moment they leave her lips, opening and closing her mouth but failing to add anything to that lone sentence. Homura blinks.
"I already knew that." she says. Of course Sayaka is mad at her. Homura never expected anything else
Before the conversation can deteriorate any further, Kyoko thrusts an arm between the other two girls. "Alright, let's try that again, but better this time."
Homura says nothing, does nothing. There is nothing to do but wait. Sayaka steps back and inhales, staring at the ground. When she looks up, her face is scrunched in concentration.
"I…" she begins, before cutting off again. "What happened with you and X? She just said that you two fought, and…"
"We fought. She won." That was all there was to it. Homura doesn't want to recall any more than that. It was easier to forget. To forget the waves upon waves of monstrous things spilling from nowhere. To forget the so-familiar weapons digging into her body. To forget her mother's words cutting into her, colder and crueler than she'd ever heard her before.
For a moment, pity and fear in equal parts flash over Sayaka's face. Homura doesn't notice either, too busy forcing down the surge of memories before they can pull her under.
"…well." Sayaka says slowly, "I- I don't- None of us are happy about the way it went. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, it's a shitty situation." Kyoko adds in, sounding far too sincere. Why does she care?
"Don't lie. Isn't this what you wanted?" Homura points out. Madoka will be dragged back into the Law of Cycles. That's what they were fighting for. To protect her sacrifice, like it was something that had to happen.
"Don't act like we started this! You were the one to-" Sayaka shouts. Kyoko places a hand on her shoulder, and she cuts herself off.
"Hey, remember what we said earlier?" Kyoko asks, and Sayaka takes a deep breath and nods. Homura feels something coil tightly inside her watching the exchange. The sensation is comfortably warm, but just hot enough to burn. "What Sayaka's tryin' to say is that nobody wanted this to turn into a fight. I really would've preferred if we coulda just talked this all out."
"But we never could. I can't accept leaving Madoka behind like that. It wasn't right for us to-"
"See? This is what I'm talking about!" Sayaka interrupts. "We didn't want a fight, but you did, didn't you?" And then, ignoring Kyoko's hurried protests, "It's like you want us to hate you!"
"I don't care if you hate me." Homura replies immediately, unfurling her wings and letting them loom over the cramped room. In their shadow, she can say it with confidence. Without hesitation. "This isn't about me. It's about Madoka. If saving her means becoming your enemy, then-"
"You're not listening to me!"
Again, Sayaka's voice cuts through Homura's shaded confidence. She's angry, like Homura always remembers her. In that moment, she feels like she did once before, an inexperienced Magical Girl scolded by her teammate for making a mistake. It's an awful feeling, buried immediately. That person was weak, and Homura can't do anything as somebody weak.
"Sayaka!" Kyoko shouts, and the younger girl finally listens. She steps back, staring at Homura's unfurled wings with a guilty look in her eyes. Homura can't understand it.
"I- I'm awful at this, aren't I?" Sayaka lets out, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh.
"A little, yeah." Kyoko says. "Want some help?"
"Yes please." Sayaka mutters. The coiling feeling in Homura's chest tightens.
"Any time!" Kyoko cheers. Immediately after, her expression dims. "We're trying to say that we care about you, got it?" The words come out slow and heavy. She pauses. "This'd be easier if Mami was here. She was the one who knew how to deal with this feelings crap."
"Where is Mami?" Homura asks. The question she wants to ask is "Where is Madoka?", but she doesn't expect that question to be answered. But Mami… she was X's most loyal. If she was going to allow anyone to speak with Homura before her, it would have been Mami. But instead it was Sayaka and Kyoko nervously waiting at her door.
"Dunno. She said she was helping X with something and then disappeared." Kyoko answers. Homura nods absently. "Did you want to talk to her?"
…maybe. Homura hadn't talked to Mami in a long time. "No. Is that all you wanted to say?"
Kyoko sucks in a breath and mutters "Dammit, Homura." under her breath. It's still loud enough for Homura to hear. Not intentionally, though. Even if Kyoko can keep her cool when she needs to, she's never been good at staying quiet.
"Is that all you wanted to say?" Sayaka repeats, voice low but simmering with anger. "Are you serious? You always do this? You don't even know why we're angry, do you?"
Homura blinks. Wasn't it obvious? Despite herself, her eyes narrowed. What was even the point of asking such an absurd question? "I've already accepted your anger. Hate me if you want, but Madoka-"
"This isn't about Madoka!" Sayaka shouts. Kyoko takes a step back, shocked by the frustration spilling out over the small room. Homura, to her surprise, finds that she's stepped back as well. "This- It's about you! About this thing you do! You do this every time!"
Homura takes another step back. For a moment, she's sure that if she reaches up to her face she'll find her glasses askew.
"Why didn't you talk to any of us?"
Homura tries to breathe, but nothing comes of it. Talk? What could she have possibly said? "You wouldn't have listened to me."
This time, Homura can't miss the shame that washes over Sayaka's face. "I- I would've tried! Mami would've tried! Kyoko would've tried! But you just went off on your own and now- Now I don't know what's happening anymore! You could've tried to talk to somebody, but you didn't! Did you really hate us all so much that you thought we deserved to hate you?"
Her voice cracks, and whatever pressure had filled the room vanishes. Yet despite that, Homura can't find any words. Of course she never hated them, any of them, but…
But…
"You know it wasn't like that." Kyoko whispers to Sayaka. She nods slowly, letting out a wheezing, uneven breath.
For a moment, it is quiet.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I didn't want to wait."
And with those words, the quiet becomes silence.
X is wearing the same uniform she wore when she appeared before she and Homura fought, the one Mami always said makes her look like a Magical Girl. She doesn't linger in the doorway, blocking the exit only for a moment before stepping in and to one side. After so long apart, Homura almost forgot how tall she is. That had never felt intimidating before.
Sayaka and Kyoko straighten their posture the moment she walks in. Like soldiers standing at attention. It's not much, not even conscious, but Homura still notices. X must, as well.
"Homura. I wanted to talk with you. Should Sayaka and Kyoko go?" she asks.
"No. They can stay." Homura says.
"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you have an audience, if that makes any sense." she continues. Sayaka and Kyoko glance nervously at each other.
"It's really fine, Homura. We've already said what-" Kyoko starts. Homura cuts her off.
"No. You can stay." she says again.
X smiles easily, comfortably. She's the only one. "Whatever makes you happy. Is there anything you'd like to ask about before we get into it? Anything you want to talk about? We didn't have much time before." A wistful note enters her voice near the end, but fades just as quickly.
"Where is Madoka?" Homura wants to ask, so dearly. If she's gone, then all of this was for nothing. Then Homura has thrown away every relationship she had for nothing. But she can't ask that. The words don't form in her head, only a jumbled mess of emotion. Because if she asks, and the answer is-
"How are you here at all? When you left, I didn't think you were coming back."
That question comes instead. Homura doesn't mind. It would be useful to know.
"I told you I was coming back, didn't I?"
"You lied to us before. When you wanted us to be happy." Homura points out. Kyoko winces. Sayaka opens her mouth, but a faint gesture from X stops her. Homura wishes she'd said something. It would have been easier to handle than the flicker of hurt in mom's eyes.
"You already lost one person you cared about. I didn't want you to feel like I was gone, too." X says. Her voice is calm and soft, but not warm. Just like Homura remembers.
"Then you shouldn't have left." Maybe it's not fair. But Homura can't not say it. "What was it? What did you learn that let you come back?"
"Qliphoth Deterrence." X answers. "As long as I can stay emotionally measured, keeping stability is easy. You made that difficult, though. Lots of reasons for me to get emotional." Muted laughter follows, but only from X. Everyone else winces.
"If you found that, then you could-" find a way to help Madoka, Homura asks. She knows X sees it coming in the way her eyes are already closed, her head is already tilted up to hide as much of her face as she can without making it obvious.
"Let's not talk about that right now, okay? There will be time to discuss things later, but please just hold on until then." she says. There's no change in tone or volume as she cuts Homura off. Just calm control.
Homura nods. She doesn't trust her voice in that moment.
But she'll wait. She'll wait as long as she needs to, because there is nothing else that she can possibly do.
