Chapter 110 - Feeling Blue
Something is very clearly wrong.
It's possible Sayaka just got nervous and decided to back out. She's a brave girl for her age, and absurdly determined once she's gotten an idea in her head, but she's still a kid. Sayaka was the most enthusiastic out of all your children to become a Magical Girl, even exceeding Mami's own encouragement. But that enthusiasm is flawed.
Sayaka wants to be a Magical Girl. She wants the world to make sense, to have a defined good that triumphs over a defined evil. More than that, Sayaka wants to be part of that triumph. She wants to make the world a better place. On its own, you have little room to judge. Aside from the overly simplistic way of looking at things, that is an entirely respectable desire. And even then, such a black and white perspective is expected of a child. Sayaka will grow out of it with a little time and some guidance.
But until then, Sayaka is still a child. And, the Kanames apparently excluded, most parents are unwilling to let their children be put in danger. If Sayaka really thought that her parents would make her give up on being a Magical Girl, would she lie to you to avoid it?
Maybe, but that's a moot point right now. Sayaka doesn't strike you as a particularly good actor. This level of nervousness and anxiety is beyond anything she could fake. While that could be accounted for by the aforementioned worries, you're not confident of that. Sayaka might be trying to delay the inevitable, but she might also have a legitimate reason to not want you to go in.
Hypothesizing is pointless. After all, you have the girl right in front of you.
"What seems to be the problem?" you ask gently. There's no need to take too hard an approach. Unfortunately, Sayaka only seems more nervous now. The little girl is practically shaking, doing her best to interpose her small body between you and the inside of her house. It's not very effective, even if she is taller than the other kids.
"There's no problems!" Sayaka says far too quickly to be believable. "My parents are just tired from work. So you can't come in. Sorry."
A very convincing argument. You raise an eyebrow, mouth set in a thin, slightly upturned line.
"Sayaka? Is somebody there?" Kyoko's voice drifts out from further into the house. The disguised Distortion wanders up to the door, seeming preoccupied, and peers over Sayaka's shoulder. "Oh! X, you're here!"
"Afternoon, Kyoko." you intone. "Mind explaining what's going on?"
Sayaka glances frantically from you to Kyoko. Before the older girl can say anything, she interrupts.
"We were just talking about my parents. It's not a good time for you to meet them."
Kyoko winces, but then sighs and resigns herself. "Yeah, she's right. We can just do this later." You catch sight of Sayaka shooting the older Magical Girl a grateful smile, though Kyoko hardly reacts.
"Well, if that's what you think, I'll leave it be. Just be sure to tell your parents something, because patrols are starting in half an hour." you answer simply. The girls seem surprised by your acceptance of their non-answer to your questions.
As you begin to pull away, Sayaka speaks up again. "Actually, can we just start now? I already finished my homework."
You pause to consider it a moment, then nod. You'll need to rearrange things a bit, but it should work. "I don't see why not. Just give me a second to get everyone on board."
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The patrol is going well. Witches aren't really a threat to you or Kyoko, and with Sayaka's support that little remaining risk vanishes. She claims to have worked on some self-enhancements to let her "fight properly", but between you and Kyoko the time for Sayaka to use them never comes. It's as the fifth Barrier washes away, draining down into the lone Grief Seed that tumbled to the ground, when the moment comes.
"Why didn't you push?"
"What do you mean?" you ask, turning back to look at Sayaka. She's panting slightly, having actually been forced into melee combat by the most recent Witch.
"You knew I was making things up back at my house. Why didn't you call me out?" Sayaka asks between shallow breaths.
"Oh, that's simple. I just thought that if you and Kyoko really thought it wasn't something that I needed to know, it could wait. After all, you've all put quite a bit of trust in me. It's only fair to repay that, no?"
"But it messed things up! You had to change plans because of me!" Sayaka continues. You're a bit taken off-guard by the force of emotion behind her words. You'd expect this sort of self-flagellation more from Kyoko or yourself, not Sayaka.
"Good plans are flexible. I wouldn't be a worthwhile manager if I couldn't improvise. You haven't imposed on anything. So what's this really about?"
Sayaka quiets for a moment, before opening her mouth once again. Beside her, Kyoko is looking more and more concerned. You're starting to feel the temperature of the air rise; it's already gone from a cold night to what one might consider a bright summer morning.
"It's that it
doesn't matter." Sayaka hisses through gritted teeth. "Kyubey was lying to Mami for years, Madoka's got some sort of crazy potential that nobody can do anything about,
something's wrong with Homura that she never even talks about, Kyoko practically
died and you had to bring her back!" The young girl throws her arms in the air, as if to emphasize the magnitude of issues everyone but her is facing. "Everyone else is dealing with real problems, and I'm just sad because a boy doesn't like me or because my mom's having a bad day."
Kyoko rests a hand on Sayaka's shoulder, breathing slowly to try and restrain the outpouring heat. "Hey, you didn't do anything wrong. It's my fault for-"
"It's not anybody's fault, Kyoko." you interrupt before that train of thought can progress. You're not about to deal with Kyoko starting a minor meltdown as well. "Everyone has their own problems, and it's not wrong to deal with them. Whether they seem 'important' or not."
"But everyone else's problems are real problems! I just have… dumb personal stuff." Sayaka answers.
"Just because your problems are personal doesn't make them not real." you counter quietly. A soft approach is more useful here, recognizing the real issue for what it is. "All those problems you listed
are personal problems." You incline yourself head slightly towards Kyoko, who thankfully catches the signal. Hesitantly, the older girl begins to speak.
"I… hey, I know what it feels like. I've made mistakes. Lots of mistakes. That's why I… I left Mami. Because I didn't want my mistakes to weigh her down. But that was a mistake too." With each word, anguish as palpable and heavy as smoke rolls through the empty air. But where you've come to expect cloying heat to follow such pain, nothing arrives. "You have to let people help. Even with the things that don't deserve it."
Sayaka takes a deep breath, and her shaking stills. She stands straighter, the nervousness that pervaded her no longer as present. "Right. That's… right." Seeing an opportunity, you jump in.
"We can talk about it now, if you'd like. We have time."
Sayaka hesitates. "I… yeah. Let's do it now. I'm ready." A moment passes. "Maybe we should find somewhere to sit down first."
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A few chained together teleports later, and the three of you are seated at a small bench at a bus stop. A glass tunnel enclosed the waiting area, keeping it safe from the evening chill. It's been months since Winter, but Mitakihara has had rather gloomy weather since the day you arrived.
You and Kyoko sit on either side of Sayaka, the younger girl planting herself a bit closer to her senior than you think Kyoko had expected. Sayaka's always been more prone to physical contact among friends, in stark contrast to Kyoko who's lived alone for what may have been years. Once the bluenette has settled in, you begin.
"So. Where do you want to start?"
Sayaka struggles with the words for a moment before answering. "I… I feel like I'm not living up to my Wish. When I made my Contract, I knew what I was getting into. Or at least I thought I did. That this would be a thankless job, that it wouldn't be glorious, that I'd need help. And I thought I had accepted it all. But now, it just… I wish that it was better."
"Are there any issues in particular you feel this way about?" you begin. Sayaka sighs, and you notice just how drained of energy she seems. Normally, the aspiring Magical Girl stands tall and full of energy. Now, she's subdued and slightly hunched over.
"I have a friend, Kyousuke. He's a musician." she explains. "He was hurt, and I wished that he would get better. I knew I wouldn't get anything out of it, and I thought I was okay with it. Good people don't need something in return for helping others. But a few days ago, I… I told him I liked him." Sayaka laughs, though it sounds more like a sob than anything else. "He turned me down. Said he preferred that we stay friends instead. And I should've expected it. I knew he never really saw me like that. But I still felt…"
You nod silently and gesture for Sayaka to continue.
"I felt like I deserved more! And that's wrong, I know!" Sayaka adds hurriedly. "When I heard I could become a Magical Girl, I had this idea in my head. And I k ow that idea isn't real. I just can't help but feel like it's because I'm not doing enough. Like the reason this isn't like I had imagined is because I'm falling short."
"Hey, you're doing great! Do you know how difficult healing and enhancement like you can do is for normal Magical Girls?" Kyoko assures. In Sayaka's defense, it's not as if you have all that many examples of "normal Magical Girls" on hand.
"Yeah, but that's all just helping you! Without somebody else to back me up, I can't do anything!" Sayaka shoots back. The second the words are out of her mouth, she slumps back against the bench. "I just wish I could be like the rest of you."
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You…
[] offer to help Sayaka manifest EGO…
-[] Right now
-[] Over time
[] attempt to give Sayaka an Abnormality's EGO
[] offer to have Sayaka trained…
-[] By you yourself
-[] Alongside you, by Geburah
[] Comfort Sayaka
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Der Freischütz''s
Sapling - Observation Level 2/3
Porccubus'
Sapling - Observation Level 2/3
CENSORED's
Sapling - Observation Level
EXPUNGED/
REDACTED
We haven't gotten as much Sayaka in this story. It's a real shame, since she's probably my favorite out of the Holy Quintet and has the most in-depth exploration of her character in the main series as far as I'll say.
Oh! And we have a new, similar-ish Quest on site. PMMM Quests aren't exactly as hard to find as ProjectMoon Quests are, but I thought I'd give it a shout-out anyways. For those of you who enjoy being a sealed eldritch abomination, we have
Salvation Quest.
: I'm sure you'll do great Sayaka! X's good at this so I'm absolutely sure, you'll find just exactly what you are looking for! 
