Chapter 23: Drew Gets Classy
Pirate Captain
Special Effects Nerd
Wizard Supremacist
+314 more...
"Holy crap," Drew said. "I thought I had a lot of options for my race, but this is nuts."
Levi nodded. "Yeah. This is where the filters become useful. This game is an interaction between the showrunners and the AI, and both of them put classes on the list. That means that often there's unnecessary overlap, and sometimes there are options that are strictly better than other options—they have all the same stuff but bigger numbers or with fewer disadvantages, stuff like that. Plus, there's stuff that would absolutely tank your social numbers instantly. Let's get rid of those and see if we can get something put together."
It took twenty minutes for Levi to walk Drew through using the filters to shrink his class list from a sprawling 314 down to a more manageable 187. Among other things, this involved filtering out classes that had strictly better alternatives or that used torture, human sacrifice, or cannibalism as an important mechanic. Taylor couldn't help thinking that said pretty much everything that needed saying about Borant.
It then took two hours to do the initial pass that created the short list. From there, Levi insisted on everyone taking another break.
"Go take naps," he said. "Bunkroom. Now." He pointed with one clawed hand.
"Hang on," Taylor said. "We can't afford the time. I know what you said about not rushing, and I agree, but there's three of us. We can't afford to sleep for six or eight hours for each—"
The world shook around them as the floor collapse timer finally went to zero.
Hello, crawlers! said the sacharrine-sweet voice of the 'kill, kill, kill' lady, speaking out loud through invisible speakers that came from everywhere and nowhere.
Congratulations for making it to the third floor! We're so proud of all of you. Well, of the almost 700,000 survivors. Not so much the ones who didn't make it off the last floor. Those guys seemed to have a real problem learning not to treat our lovely dungeon hallways as bathrooms, and I'm afraid that more than a few of you had to be taught better by the Rage Elementals. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Good news on that front, I'm happy to say. It appears that the message got through, so we are removing the bathroom penalties going forward. Restrooms are still widely available; in the villages you may find them in any pub and in some shops, while in the ruins they are positioned in discreet locations that will appear on your minimap. Remember: not getting eaten by a Rage Elemental is a privilege, not a right. Please don't force us to backtrack!
A couple announcements regarding this third floor.
We are already seeing much interest in the sponsorship program. And while the program doesn't officially get underway until the fourth floor, potential sponsors now have the ability to put in early bids. So remember to be as entertaining as possible!
Finally, many of you are discovering new abilities and spells and wish to try them out. We urge you to do so. But this is just a general warning that any attempts of violence against non-combatant npcs should be avoided. While this practice is technically not against the rules, the Borant corporation wishes to keep the citizenry as safe as possible. As a result, we have adjusted the experience counter for citizens down to zero. In addition, city guards have been given a slight boost in stats.
That's all for now. Get out there and kill, kill, kill!
The collapse timer in Taylor's vision jumped, resetting itself to eight days and starting to count down once more.
Eight days. That's all they had to solve something that sounded like it would be way more complicated than the prior two floors.
Taylor mentally groped around, trying to pick up the thread of conversation...oh, right. Napping.
"We can't take the time to sleep," he said to Levi. "If we have to sleep for eight hours—or even six hours—during each of our selection processes, we'll waste more than a full day. We just don't have time."
Levi smiled, a weird expression on his manatee face. "That's an excellent point," he said, his voice trying to sound serious and almost succeeding. "Well, if you won't sleep, let me at least show you the bunkroom."
"The what now?" Drew asked. He had a joint in his hand and was holding a shallow lungful.
"Might want to go easy on that stuff," Levi said. "At least until you're done with class selection." He shrugged. "Still, I ain't your pappy and I've got only very minimal professional obligations to you as long as I'm just a game guide and not anything else. If you want to get hammered while making the most important decision of your life, that's on you. For now, follow me."
He led them through a door in the wall to the left of the entrance. That door wasn't normally there but it fit in as though it had been there forever. The color of the walls around the door was no different, the hinges on the door had a broken-in look that, in Taylor's DIY experience, freshly installed hinges didn't. It was a tiny thing, yet somehow it made a more potent reminder of the aliens' power than all of the dungeon magic.
Although, speaking of space magic: Moose. The dog had finally reached his full size when he hit level 15 and 'full' was a pauper's word in this case. A better term might have been 'gargantuan', or 'brobdingnagian', or even simply 'redonkulous'. The dog would have given a Clydesdale an inferiority complex. He was eight feet tall at the shoulder and ten feet long without counting his curled-up tail. The dungeon had been politely and quietly ensuring that hallways and doors were of a size that Moose could use, but it could end up being a real problem if that courteous and forgiving attitude changed.
While Taylor was worrying, Levi guided the party to an empty room the size of a studio apartment's kitchen or a large walk-in closet. It was surgical-theater clean with a floor that glowed faintly blue. On the wall opposite the door was a big red button.
"I thought you said this was a bunkroom?" Calliope asked.
"I did, yes. Could you go push the button for me?"
The teenager looked at him suspiciously. "Why? What does it do?"
"Trust me. Just go push it."
Her stare got even more suspicious, but she took the four long steps necessary to cross the room. She glanced over her shoulder, face sour and suspicious, and then pushed the button.
The floor under Calliope pulsed softly and she jerked.
"Wow!" she said.
"What?" Taylor demanded. "What happened?"
She grinned. "It's a surprise. Push the button, Unc."
"Calliope..."
"Eh," Drew said. "Let's just do it." He nudged Taylor aside, crossed to Calliope, and slapped the button. Once again, the floor pulsed and Drew jerked.
"Duuude," he said to Levi, his voice angry. "Not cool, dude." He drew hard on his joint and held the smoke.
Levi shrugged. "It's a minor side effect, too minor to be disabled when they turned off the buffs."
"What buffs?" Calliope asked, curious.
"Taylor, go push the button," Levi said. "The floor in this room is a tier-3 bed. Pushing the button will leave you fully rested."
Calliope crossed back and eeled past Taylor, returning to the main room. "Do it, Unc. It's great."
Reluctantly, Taylor went and pushed the button. The floor pulsed beneath him.
Physiology rebalanced! Error: 'Excellent Rest' benefit has been disabled!
The patina of tired that had been pressing down on Taylor was suddenly gone, taking with it all his worries, stress, aches, and pains. He felt energetic, optimistic, and ready to take on the world.
"Wow," he said. "How do we get one of these?"
Levi turned and went back to his seat by the fire. "First you get to the fourth floor, where you can buy yourself a high-end personal space for several hundred thousand gold. Then you get to the ninth floor, where the tier-3 upgrades become available, and you pay another million-ish to install one of these. It usually comes with the Excellent Rest buff, which removes all negative status conditions and then gives you 30 hours of 20% higher stats, 20% higher XP earned, and 20% faster training time." He shrugged. "They wouldn't let me have the bed unless the buff was turned off, so all you're getting is the physiological rebalancing. It removes physical, mental, and emotional stress—which includes the effects of most normal drugs, hence why Drew is annoyed with me right now. It leaves you ready for the day, and is how we get you all through the selection process without wasting too much time." He rummaged around in the seat cushions and pulled out a small sphere, about the size of a grapefruit.
"They just let you have this?" Calliope asked, resuming her own seat as the men took theirs.
Levi ignored her. He took the sphere and twisted it; the top popped up and he opened it like a clamshell. A beam of golden light sprang out and washed over Moose. The massive dog vanished like a soap bubble.
"Moose!" Taylor said, jumping to his feet.
"Relax," Levi said. He twisted the sphere the other way; once again the light sprang forth, but this time Moose reappeared. The dog shook himself and sat down, panting happily.
"What...oh," Taylor said. "Doggy sleep thing?"
"Doggy sleep thing," Levi agreed. "It's a tier-3 pet carrier. Again, I had to have the buffs deactivated, but it does the same reset on him that the bed did on you."
"And they just gave it to you?" Calliope demanded again. "Do all the game guides get this?"
"Not...exactly," Levi said, looking uncomfortable. "I had to pay for it. Don't worry about it. Let's focus on Drew's classes."
"But—" Taylor began.
"Bup!" Levi said, holding up one clawed finger. "I said don't worry about it. We're doing class selection!"
"We can't—"
"Bup, bup,
bup! Class selection!"
Taylor took a deep breath and let it out. "Fine. Thank you, Levi. I hope it wasn't too expensive. I don't know how we can repay you."
"Eh, don't sweat it," the rabbit man said. "It's not a big deal. Now, let's take a look at these classes."
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Class: Acupuncture Practitioner
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You make a living duping idiots into believing that this bullshit works. Fortunately for you, it actually does work in here. You're welcome.
A student of the ancient art of sticking needles in people in order to 'heal' them, you have adapted your skills into a bizarre martial art that somehow manages to be effective.
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
Levi frowned. "That's odd," he said. "That's a garbage incentive. Usually they want people to choose the local classes. I wonder what's different?"
- +2 Dexterity
- +3 to the Acupuncture skill
- +3 to the Needle Thrower skill
- A bandolier of infinite needles
Skill: Acupuncture
Somehow, in defiance of every scientific study ever done, sticking needles in people can actually do things. At level 3 your abilities are:
- The 'Placebos are Awesome' benefit
- Apply the Owie! debuff for (Dexterity)x3 seconds. Induces pain that will make it difficult for the patient to concentrate on maintaining spells or effects. Will also decrease their ability to hit in combat and and their movement speed. The amount of decrease is based on your skill level
- Possibly remove a debuff. The chance of success depends on the nature of the debuff, among other things
Ongoing abilities such as healing and debuffs only function so long as your needles are sticking in the target. For effects that have a duration, the needles will fall out on their own once the duration expires.
For every level of this skill you will gain a new ability.
Benefit: Placebos are Awesome
Heal patient by ((Skill Level) x 15)% over the course of 10 seconds. Needles will fall out at the end of the 10 seconds. Healing over 100% provides bonus health. Cannot be used on a given individual if they already have bonus health.
Skill: Needle Thrower
You can throw your acupuncture needles as though they were normal ranged weapons. If you strike precisely enough, you can use your Acupuncture skill. This skill will synergize with other relevant skills if you have any. Damage and chance of hitting are based on your Dexterity. This skill qualifies as a ninja skill and a swashbuckler skill.
"I suspect this skill will ignore most armor," Levi said. "It's clearly intended to have very precise targeting, so you'll be able to shoot for the eyes, the mouth, and any gaps in coverage. Can't be sure what sort of abilities you'll acquire, but I would guess it will include things like mana regeneration, paralysis, possibly the ability 'focus your chi' into energy blasts, or something like that."
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Class: Banana Farmer
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This Druid-offshoot class has some of the weirder abilities in the game, yet no less effective than your average punchy-punchy type.
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +2 Constitution
- +1 to the Seed Spray spell (bananas only)
- +3 to the Grow Bananas spell
- You may animate any and all banana trees within (Character Level) meters of you. Animated trees will obey your mental commands without regard for distance and will be destroyed after 10 minutes. Animated trees may uproot themselves and travel. Cooldown: 1 hour
- +1 to the Imbue Plant skill (banana trees only)
- +1 to the Plant Awareness spell (bananas and banana trees only)
Spell: Seed Spray
Cost: 5 MP
Cooldown: 10 seconds
Range: 5+(Spell Level) meters
This is a class-locked spell available only to certain classes.
Up to (Spell Level) banana seeds spray forth from your palm. They move fast enough to inflict damage.
Spell: Grow Bananas
Cost: 5 MP
Cooldown: 30 seconds
Range: (Spell Level) meters
AOE: 5 meters
This is a class-locked spell available only to certain classes.
Over the course of 30 seconds all banana seeds in the AOE grow to maturity. If the seed is in an inappropriate environment then there is a chance that the spell will not affect it. This chance depends on the spell level.
Skill: Imbue Plant
Cost: Varies
Cooldown: 1 minute
Range: Touch
Duration: Permanent
Grant up to (Spell Level) abilities to a plant you control. Mana cost depends on what abilities you imbue. This skill cannot be trained. This skill increases by 1 level upon descending to a new floor, at which time you will be given an additional randomly-chosen ability.
Ability for this floor: Explosive bananas.
Spell: Plant Awareness
Cost: 1 MP
Range: (Spell Level)x10 meters
Duration: (Spell Level)x10 seconds
You receive sensory data from all plants you control. The types and clarity of the data depend on your spell level.
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Class: Barbarian
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Raaargh! Thog smash!
- +5 Strength
- +3 Constitution
- +4 to the Pathfinder skill
- +2 to the Herbalism skill
- A recipe for healing herbs
- +3 to the Rage skill
- +3 to the Axe skill
- +25% movement rate
- A Gold-tier axe
- Woodland-type mobs will lose their automatic hostility to you
Skill: Pathfinder
Your minimap covers a much larger area. This skill is trained by keeping your map open to maximum size.
Skill: Herbalism
You may create herbal remedies without a crafting table. These are similar to potions but with reduced effects.
Skill: Rage
You gain the 'Enraged' status condition for (Skill Level) x 10 seconds. While this status condition is in effect, your Strength is multiplied by (Skill Level) and damage from your physical attacks is multipled by 150% per level of Rage. After the effect wears off, you will receive the 'Tired' status condition for 1 minute. If you already have the 'Tired' status condition, you will instead receive the 'Exhausted' status condition for 5 minutes. If you already have the 'Exhausted' status condition, you will instead receive the 'Comatose' status condition for 10 hours.
Levi's eyestalks twitched in what Taylor was starting to learn meant surprise.
"What?" Taylor asked.
"Nothing," Levi said. "Unusual combination of classes, that's all. That Pathfinder skill is extremely good. You really want that, or something like it, to help you find stairwells on later floors."
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Class: Battle Klepto
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Crazy little bastards. No, seriously, that's not an insult, it's a fact. DSM-5 302.32 (F63.3), Category: Disruptive, Impulse Control, and Conduct: Kleptomania.
- +5 Dexterity
- +3 to the Stealth skill
- +3 to the Pick Pockets skill
- No penalty for attempting to steal worn and/or equipped items
- At level 10 of Pick Pockets, you may attempt to steal from the target's inventory
- Experience gained towards the Pick Pockets skill is also applied to leveling
"Ooh," Levi said. "That's a nice one. If you get your skill high enough you'd be able to strip someone's armor and weapons right off them in the middle of a fight. Take a long time to get there, but it's a nice tactic."
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Class: Battlin' Baker
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This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +3 Intelligence
- +3 Charisma
- A recipe book containing 6 crafting recipes including:
- explosive muffins
- temporary stat boost cookies (Quality: Superior)
- A portable EZ-Bake oven suitable for baking small batches of simple recipes while in the field
- A level 3 personal space (available on the fourth floor)
- The Industrial Kitchen upgrade for your personal space (comes fully stocked with baking ingredients)
- 2 coupons for personal space upgrades (Kitchen category only)
- The Marketplace upgrade for your personal space
- The Food category unlock for the Marketplace
- The ability to access your Marketplace remotely at a cost of 5,000 gold. Cooldown: 1 hour
- The Care Package benefit. Allows you to send a box of baked goods to the inventory of any crawler you have in your contacts list. Requires 1,000 gold worth of postage. Postage may be paid by sender or recipient but not split between them
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Class: Combat Medic
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"Medic!" that one guy in the movies shouts. Generally he dies a few seconds later, just as the medic gets to him. The medic looks at him, sighs, and moves on to the next guy. Hey, you too can be useless!
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +1 Strength
- +2 Constitution
- +1 Dexterity
- A Lesser Cheat Code potion that will target one of your physical combat skills
- +4 to the Heal Person spell
- +4 to the Heal Party spell
- +50% movement speed, on foot or otherwise
- +3 to the Medical skill
- The crafting recipe for Superior-grade health potions
- A box of alchemical components suitable for making health potions of any grade
- Your choice: +2 to one luck-boosting skill or spell you possess, or a perpetual no-cost level 3 Fortune Sculpting effect
"Those alchemy abilities are valuable," Levi said. "Problem is that the crafting system isn't active until the fourth floor. Also, as long as I'm just a game guide I'm not allowed to say any more about the crafting system, so don't ask."
Spell: Heal Person
Cost: 8 MP
Range: (Skill Level) meters, LOS required
Target: A living being
The target is healed by ((Skill Level) x 10)% of their maximum health. Healing above 100% provides bonus HP. These HP will drain away in a few minutes if not used. You may not cast Heal Person on a target that currently has bonus HP.
Spell: Heal Party
Cost: 8 MP
Everyone in your party is hit with a Heal spell.
(Optional) Effect: Fortune Sculpting
Probabilities are distorted in your favor. Falling objects are less likely to hit you, enemy attacks against you are more likely to miss, your chance-based special abilities are more likely to activate or succeed while those of your enemies are more likely to fail when directed at you, and so on. The bonus/malus is dependent on your spell level and your Charisma.
Note: This effect will stack with your Fortuna's Favored Child skill.
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Class: Democratic Senator
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Waah, waah, safe spaces! Waah, I'm so liberal and special! Waah, I love spending money!
Eh. At least they aren't climate-change deniers.
This rare and exclusive class is only available to crawlers who:
- Have a Charisma of at least 20 after spending stat points but before class bonuses
- Received 500 billion views before reaching the third floor
- Received 100 billion followers before reaching the third floor
- Accept that yes, you humans were absolutely fucking up your climate via fossil fuels
- Accept that yes, vaccines save lives and no, they do not have microchips in them
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +2 Intelligence
- +4 Charisma
- +3 to the Universal Health Care skill
- +1 to the Gun Control Legislation spell
- +1 to the Voter Protection Legislation skill
- +1 to the Climate Change Reduction Efforts skill
- +1 to the Public Education Funding skill
Skill: Universal Health Care
Cost: 1,000 gold per person in your party
Duration: (Skill Level) hours
When you successfully activate this skill, everyone in your party, including you, receives a Regeneration skill of level equal to the level of Universal Health Care. It stacks with, but does not add to the level of, any Regeneration effect the recipient already has.
When you attempt to activate this skill, everyone in your party will be taxed 15% of their gold. People whose class has 'Senator' or 'President' in the name may choose to be exempt from this tax. From the taxed amount, (1000 x (number of people in the party)) gold will be deducted. If the tax action raises enough money, the money is consumed and the effect will activate. If the tax action does not raise enough money then the effect will fizzle but the money will still be consumed. If more money is raised than necessary, the excess will be distributed evenly into the inventories of all Senators in the party.
This skill trains based on the total damage healed during its duration.
Does not stack with itself. Cannot be terminated early.
Spell: Gun Control Legislation
Cost: 10 MP
Duration: (Charisma) minutes
AOE: 5+(Spell Level) meters radius around the caster
Within the AOE, physical attacks do ((Spell Level) x 5)% less damage. Yup, this applies to your attacks too. Oops!
Skill: Voter Protection Legislation
Duration: (Charisma) x (Skill Level) seconds
AOE: (Skill Level) x 3 meters radius
Cooldown: 10 hours
Members of your party who are within the AOE are immune to debuffs and negative status conditions. Debuffs and negative status conditions that were in effect when the skill was activated will be removed.
Buffs and positive status conditions on members of your party who are within the AOE have their expiration timers suspended while under the effect of this skill.
Skill: Climate Change Reduction Efforts
AOE: (Skill Level) x 2 meters radius
Within the AOE, members of your party take ((Skill Level) x 5)% less damage from attacks based around heat, fire, cold, or ice, or that belong to the 'Storm' category. Yes, this effect is always on.
Skill: Public Education Funding
AOE: (Skill Level) x 3 meters radius
While in the AOE, all XP awards for members of your party are increased by (Skill Level)%.
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Class: Disgruntled Postal Worker
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Hey, you try delivering mail in crappy weather to people who only complain about the occasional problems instead of appreciating the miracle of getting any package across a continent and to the step of every rural asshole within a few days, all for a nominal fee. Oh, and Amazon and UPS and FedEx get all the credit for being fast and all that shit, despite the fact that they only do the easy deliveries and fob the hard ones off on you. Oh, and they also get the credit for being innovative and profitable, despite the fact that you 'are not innovative' because fucking Congress literally made a law saying that you can't be. Seriously, fuck those guys. And fuck you humans for being so mean to your poor postal workers. Just thinking about it makes me want to go postal, and I'm not even human.
Everyone knows the Norman Rockwell version of these guys—the blue short-sleeved shirts and cargo pants, the funny hat, the leather messenger bag, the hatred that dogs hold for them, and so on. In truth, they deserve a lot more credit than they used to get before we murdered all of them and destroyed your planet. The official motto of the US Postal Service was 'neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.' Now you can add 'mobs, traps, and anything else in this dungeon' to the list.
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +2 to Strength
- +5 to Constitution
- +3 to the Going Postal skill
- +3 to the Return to Sender skill
- +3 to the Doing My Fucking Rounds No Matter Fucking What skill
- +3 to the Avoid Dogshit Or Whatever skill
- +3 to the Delivery Service skill
- +1 to the Insufficient Postage skill
Skill: Going Postal
Cooldown: 5 hours
This is a class-locked skill.
You gain the 'Not Gonna Take It Anymore' status condition for (Skill Level) x 10 seconds. While this status condition is in effect:
- Your Strength is multiplied by (Skill Level)
- Your movement speed is multiplied by (Skill Level)
- Damage from your physical attacks is multipled by 200% per level of Going Postal
- The range on your ranged attacks is multiplied by ((Skill Level) / 2)
- Your melee attacks acquire a range of (Skill Level) meters
- Warning: Five minutes after the effect wears off, a trio of level 75 city guards will be teleported to the location where you used the skill. They will attempt to find you and murder you and anyone associated with you.
Skill: Return to Sender
This is a class-locked skill.
This skill will activate at most once per fight. When it activates, the next attack that would have hit you is redirected back to the attacker and its effect is multiplied by (Skill Level). Chance of activation depends on skill level.
Skill: Doing My Fucking Rounds No Matter Fucking What
Duration: (Constitution) x 5 seconds
AOE: (Skill Level) x 3 meters
This is a class-locked skill.
An area of magical darkness appears, centered on the caster. The effect does not move with the caster.
The temperature in the AOE oscillates between too hot and too cold, spending 10 seconds in each phase. Rain and snow pound down throughout the area, causing damage over time and applying debuffs to the Dexterity and movement speed of everyone in the area.
You are unaffected by the darkness and environmental effects. Your movement speed is increased by ((Skill Level) x 3)% while you are within the AOE.
Skill: Avoid Dogshit Or Whatever
You have a chance to notice any foot-activated traps before triggering them. Triggered foot-activated traps will give you a notification and will be delayed by (Skill Level) seconds.
Skill: Delivery Service
This is a class-locked skill.
You may locate any crawler for whom you have a postage-paid letter or package. The preciseness and clarity of the resulting location information increases with skill level.
Skill: Insufficient Postage
This is a class-locked benefit.
In each battle, the first attack that would reduce you to below (Skill Level)% health without killing you instead heals you completely.
This benefit will not affect falling damage or other things that are not attacks.
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Class: Elemental Arcanist
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A specialist in elemental magic, you must choose one of the mythological elements to focus on, which will also decide your elemental weakness: metal => fire => wood => earth => wind => lightning => plant => water => metal. The preceding list is in order based on elemental advantage, so metal beats fire beats wood, etc
- +50% effectiveness to spells in your chosen element
- 25% discount to any costs (MP, gold, etc) for spells in your chosen element
- -75% (net -25% if using a spell in your chosen element) effectiveness to your spells when the target is aligned to your elemental weakness
- -50% (-90% if the target is aligned to your elemental weakness) effectiveness to non-elemental spells aside from Heal
- +25% discount in magic shops when buying spellbooks or scrolls of your chosen element
- 3 random spellbooks for spells of your chosen element
- The spells from those spellbooks will start at level 4
- Immunity to environmental effects of spells you cast within your element unless you choose to be affected
- Disadvantage: Cannot cast spells from your elemental weakness
"Immunity to environmental effects means that walking into a room full of superheated air will damage your lungs, but if you walk into a normal room and use Pyrofuego to superheat the air, you're fine," Levi explained. "The fact that it's optional means that by default you won't be lifted into the air and thrown around by your Tornado spell, but you can be if you're casting it as a way of getting your feet off the ground that is about to be covered in lava."
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Class: Fire Dancer
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What could be cooler than slinging fire around?
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +3 Dexterity
- +3 to the Fire Dancing skill
- +1 to the Pyrophilia spell
- +3 to the Acrobatics skill
- +3 to the Dodge skill
- Dodge may be trained to level 20
- A Fire Dancing kit containing appropriate tools for fire dancing
Skill: Fire Dancing
Cooldown: 3 hours
You can sling flaming objects around to look cool, block attacks, and burn the fuck out of anything you don't like. You do +125% damage per level with fire weapons. Oh, yeah, also you can burst into flames for up to (Skill Level) minutes.
Spell: Pyrophilia
Cost: 3 MP
Range: 5 + (Spell Level) meters
Duration: (Spell Level) x 30 seconds
You are immune to high temperatures, magical or mundane. Fire heals instead of harming.
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Class: Former Child Actor
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Requirements: This rare subclass is an offshoot of the Character Actor class. It can only be obtained by crawlers who, before reaching the third floor, have:
- Received at least 1 trillion views
- Received at least 100 billion followers
- Reached level 10
- Have a base Charisma of at least 20 after distributing stat points but before class bonuses
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
Once a spoiled brat superstar, then addicted to drugs, you have crawled back from the brink stronger than ever. You are ready for your comeback. This Charisma and Chance-based class could go either way. You'll either rise to the top, or you'll be dead in a ditch in a week.
- +10 Charisma
- +15% faster growth in all Charisma-based skills
- Immunity to all poisons and diseases
- Level 5 Cockroach skill
- Level 3 Character Actor skill
- The Manager benefit
Skill: Cockroach
You have a chance of surviving an otherwise fatal attack. At level 5 you are guaranteed one free lethal hit per fight, though you will be at 5% health afterward. At level 10, your health will not go down at all after the first fatal strike. The only way to train this skill is by using it.
"Don't try to get cute with this one," Levi warned. "The AI's definition of a 'fight' can be a little unpredictable. If you try to, for example, kill a party member in order to train their Cockroach skill, it's pretty likely that the skill won't activate. They'll die for real and you'll get a skull. Same thing if the AI thinks you were deliberately letting yourself get killed. On the other hand, it will almost always apply to traps and falling damage as long as you didn't walk into them intentionally. If you do want to walk into them intentionally then Rule of Cool definitely applies—it's more likely to work if you're doing something epic, so deliberately jumping off a cliff in order to get to the bottom quickly might or might not end up with you dead, but it would be fine to intentionally jump out of a balloon a mile in the air in order to bring a parachute to a falling friend. Even better if you're carrying the parachute instead of wearing it, and you strap them in while in mid-air."
Skill: Character Actor
Every time you reach a new floor you must choose a class from a list. You will receive all disadvantages of that class. For each actionable of that class (e.g. skill, spell, benefit, stat boost, etc), there is a chance based on your level of Character Actor that you will receive that actionable. These advantages and disadvantages remain in effect for the duration of the floor. This skill increases in level by 1 each time you descend to a new floor. It cannot be trained.
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Class: Hitman
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According to your books, TV, and movies, you humans have a weird sort of admiration for people who murder for money. I guess you must really groove on the fact that we genocided 99% of your species in order to earn money from watching the rest of you kill monsters and each other.
This rare and exclusive class is only available to crawlers who have committed murder in exchange for money, either inside or outside the dungeon.
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +3 Intelligence
- +5 Dexterity
- +4 to the Advanced Backstab skill
- +3 to the In My Sights skill
- +5 to the Contract Killer skill
Skill: Advanced Backstab
Damage is increased by 250% per level if you attack from behind without the target being aware of you. There is also a small chance of a critical strike which will multiply your total damage by (Skill Level) on top of other bonuses.
Skill: In My Sights
If you can keep your eyes on a being for 1 minute before entering combat, you may place a 'Sighted In' mark on that being. Your damage against a creature with that mark is increased by 200% per level. Sighted In marks fade if you lose sight of the marked being for 1 minute.
Skill: Contract Killer
The system AI has placed open contracts on every being on the floor. You may accept the contract for any being so long as that being is currently conscious and at 100% health. If you kill a being for whom you hold the contract, you will receive the following:
- XP awarded will be increased by ((Skill Level) x 2)%
- Gold equal to ((10 + (their level - your level))^2.25) * (Skill Level), round down
Contracts against crawlers are worth 5x as much, both in terms of XP and gold.
You may not leave the floor while one of your contracted enemies is alive. You may not cancel a contract.
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Class: Local-Access TV Psychic
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If you were psychic, why'd you come into the dungeon, huh?
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +1 Intelligence
- +5 Charisma
- +1 Charisma every level, not retroactive
- +1 to the Tarot Reading spell and a tarot deck
- +1 to the Enhanced Clairvoyance spell
- +5 to the Silver-Tongued Liar skill
- Silver-Tongued Liar may be trained to level 20
- 20% interest on gold in your inventory when you arrive on a new floor of the dungeon
"Charisma is handy if you've got enough of it and useless otherwise," Levi said. "With enough of it, you can get discounts in stores and convince mobs to help you or give you information. Given a few levels to ramp your Charisma, this class could be very effective with the right play style and some teammates to help with combat, but that's a long-term thing and you need to survive the short term first. On the other hand, these skills are hard to get and super useful."
Spell: Tarot Reading
Cost: 20 MP
Casting Time: 15 minutes
Cooldown: 6 hours
You will receive information relevant to your current situation. Accuracy and level of detail increases with spell level.
Skill: Silver-Tongued Liar
When you make an effort, you can convince people to believe the bullshitiest of bullshit!
If successful, the target will believe whatever you tell them. Only works on mobs. Will not work on some mobs. Mob must be able to hear you and understand you. Chance of success depends on skill level, Charisma, and the ridiculousness of what you are attempting to convince them of.
"This is a rare ability," Levi said. "It can be very useful in the right circumstances, especially since it can let you turn a mob from red- to white-tagged if you talk fast enough. A guy in my party had this as part of his Used Car Salesman class and he got it up to level 13. We killed this minor noble—part of a quest, not important. One of his bodyguards walks in and finds us standing over the body. I'm literally drenched in the guy's blood and holding the dagger that killed him, and Mirga is currently rifling through his pockets. Mirga convinces the bodyguard that the noble had gotten infected with a bad case of Horror Pox and hired us to end his suffering. Slight problem: the noble was in perfect health aside from having dagger-shaped holes across his entire body. Not a single pox mark on him. Didn't matter; Mirga was so good that the guard not only bought it, he showed us where the key to the vault was, helped us carry our 'promised payment' out of the building, and invited us to a thank-you dinner at his house later that night."
Spell: Enhanced Clairvoyance
Cost: 10 MP
Duration: (Intelligence) x 2 minutes
Range: (Spell Level) x 50 meters
AOE: Radius of 20 meters per spell level
Creates an invisible eye that you can see through. The eye appears at your current location. The eye has a completely spherical field of view but can only see things within the area of effect. It has greater visual acuity than normal vision, allowing it to better detect hidden items and beings. It has darkvision, rendering it capable of seeing without light. This will not necessarily negate skills such as Hide in Shadows.
Your minimap updates based on the information seen by the eye. By concentrating you can move the eye at a speed of 10 kph, although it must remain within range or the spell ends. You will always know the distance and position of the eye relative to yourself. It can be relocated to your current position instantly. The eye is intangible and can move through solid objects.
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Class: Medical Student
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You thought that medicine was about helping people? You sweet summer child. No, medicine is about scrambling to make your malpractice insurance premiums and student loan payments. Betcha wish they had told you that in school, eh? Well, don't worry. We have way better debt collectors. Mwah. Ha. Haaaaa.
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +10 Intelligence
- +3 Charisma
- +8 to the Major Heal spell
- +3 to the Anesthesia spell
- +3 to the Antibiotics spell
- +1 to the Heal Party spell
- The Vitamin Shot benefit
- The I Got You, Fam benefit
- +3 to the Here, Have This! spell
- +15% to all earned experience
- Disadvantage: Student Loan Debt
Levi's eyes went wide. "Holy crap balls. A 15% bonus to all experience means both character level and skill levels. There are things that can do that but they're either rare or incredibly costly or both, and they need to be renewed. Having it as an always-on, no-cost class benefit? That's utterly broken."
Spell: Major Heal
Cost: 3 MP
Range: 10 + (Intelligence / 2) meters
Target: A non-undead being(*)
The target is healed by ((Skill Level)x10)% of their max health. Healing over 100% results in bonus health. This spell can reattach missing limbs, fix permanent disfiguration, etc.
(*) When this spell reaches level 10 you will be able to target undead, but the MP cost will be 10 instead of 3 when targeting undead. Instead of being healed, undead hit with this spell will take damage approximately equal to ((Skill Level) x 2)% of their max health.
Spell: Anesthesia
Cost: 3 MP
Range: (Spell Level) meters
Target: A living being
Duration: 30 minutes
The target receives the Feelin' No Pain buff. At your option, they will also be hit with a Sleep effect of the same level as this spell. If successful, the Sleep effect will last (Spell Level) hours.
"That buff is a very mixed blessing," Levi said. "On the one hand, it makes you immune to pain-inducing attacks and lets you do stuff like push a red-hot piece of metal out of the way so that you can escape a death trap. On the other hand, you won't notice you've been injured. Can be very useful if you cast it on a mob and then someone attacks it from behind; they won't notice the injury, although they will still notice if you move them. Cut their throat, don't stab them, since stabbing would push them forward."
Spell: Antibiotics
Cost: 10 MP
Range: (Spell Level) x 10 meters, requires LOS
All debuffs and negative status effects currently in effect on the targeted being are removed.
Spell: Heal Party
Cost: 8 MP
Everyone in your party is hit with a Heal spell.
Benefit: Vitamin Shot
Cooldown: Can only be used on a given being once every 10 hours
By touch, boost each of a being's base stats by (your Character Level)/5 for (your Character Level)/10 minutes. Current and maximum health will increase in proportion to the increase in Constitution. Does not stack.
Benefit: I Got You, Fam
Cooldown: 30 seconds
By touch, transfer a debuff or negative status condition from a being to yourself.
Spell: Here, Have This!
Cost: 3 MP
Range: (Spell Level) x 10 meters
Target: A living being
Attempts to transfer a buff, debuff, or status condition from you to another being. Chance of success is dependent on your Intelligence and your spell level as compared to their level. Transfer to a willing target will always succeed.
Disadvantage: Student Loan Debt
When you choose this class, a new tab will appear in your interface to track your student loan debt. You start 750,000 gold in debt. You will receive a 150 hour grace period before compounding and payments begin. At the end of that period and every 30 hours thereafter, the debt will compound by 1% (the interest rate) and then a payment of 0.5% (the payment rate) of the total debt will be withdrawn from your gold total. Once every 30 hours, your interface will allow you to pay extra against the principal.
You cannot exit the dungeon until the debt is fully repaid.
If you miss a payment you will receive a warning. Every time you receive a warning, the following penalties will be applied (N = number of warnings you have received including the current one):
- Your debt increases by (5N)%
- Your interest rate increases by (N / 2)%
- Your payment rate increases by (N / 4)%
- Each of your stats is permanently reduced by (2N) points, and,
- The level of each of your spells and skills is permanently reduced by 1
If you miss three payments in a row then you will be considered to have defaulted. Default will result in being accelerated.
"Ah. That's why they were willing to give you that broken XP bonus," Levi said. "In case it wasn't obvious, being accelerated is fatal."
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Class: Monster Truck Driver
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Yee-haw! Time to put your baseball cap on, grab a chaw of 'baccy, and climb up into your ridiculously giant-wheeled truck. Maybe you can get some cornbread and fried Oreos on the way to bang your sister!
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +15 Constitution
- +1 to the Second Fuel Tank skill
- +1 to the Rush skill
- +1 to the Pathfinder skill
- +1 to the Speed is Life skill
- Immunity to wind spell damage
- +50% resistance to the Buzzed and Shit-Faced debuffs (only from beer)
- Beer acts as a minor healing potion, but only if it's Freedomland big-name beer
Skill: Second Fuel Tank
Absorbs and stores a percentage of the damage from every hit you take. Every attack you receive has a chance of triggering this ability; when triggered, all stored damage will be reflected back on the attacker. Will activate at most once per fight. Trains up based on the amount of damage absorbed.
Skill: Rush
Cooldown: 30 hours
Your speed is magnified based on the level of Rush. Your body is flung forward, causing damage to whatever you hit. You are invulnerable for the duration of Rush.
"Rush is a powerful ability," Levi said. "It's like Moose's Legion Rush ability, but better in some ways and worse in others. Moose's ability can be used multiple times a day, but only while he's in motion and there's a brief glow before it activates, which gives away the fact that he's using it. Once it activates, it increases his speed and mass and gives him half a second of invulnerability at the start but nothing after that. If there's something immediately in front of him when he activates it, that thing is going to be vaporized. On the other hand, it makes it so that he doesn't turn well, which means that he's likely to die if he hits something after the invulnerability runs out, or if he simply trips or loses his footing and slides. Plus, he'll weigh literal tons, meaning he can collapse bridges and sink into muddy ground.
"The normal Rush skill can be used from a standing start with no sign that you're using it, it keeps you invulnerable for the entire time you're moving, and it doesn't change your mass but it still does enough damage to destroy or kill most anything you hit. The problem is that it's very short ranged, and it's unpredictable. You might go five feet, you might go twenty. You might go the direction you're facing, you might go ten or even twenty degrees off.
"Since Rush activates immediately and without warning, the momentary invulnerability can be used as a defense if you get the timing right. That's theoretically possible with Legion Rush, but it's much less practical because of the warning and the fact that you need to be in motion."
Skill: Pathfinder
Your minimap covers a much larger area. This skill is trained by keeping your map open to maximum size.
Skill: Speed is Life
Gotta go fast, gotta go fast! You receive a bonus to your Constitution depending on how fast you are moving. The increased Constitution raises both your maximum and current hit points for the duration of the bonus. Damage taken while the bonus is in effect will be removed from the bonus hit points first.
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Class: Mystic Scholar
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Nerrrrrd!
- +3 to the Create Spellbook spell
- +3 to the Scribe Scroll skill
- The Scholarly Interview benefit
- Membership in the Dungeon Book of the Floor club
- +25% discount at all magic shops
- +1 to your choice of one: Fireball, Magic Missile, Hole, Grease, Ghost Armor
- Access to all training guilds and an unlock for each skill trainable at that guild
"Training guilds give you experience in a skill as though you had actually used it in the field," Levi said. "Normally you can't use a training guild unless you have at least level 7 in the skill, but it looks like this class can use them to get level 1 in a skill and then you can train it up from there. That's huge. Without it, getting level 1 in a skill or spell is super difficult or impossible if you don't have a boost from the dungeon. In this particular case, you'll lose the unlock if you leave the guild without paying to train the skill."
Spell: Create Spellbook
Cost: 15 MP
Casting Time: 1 hour
Cooldown: if successful, 6 hours
You may attempt to create ex nihilo a spellbook for any spell you know. The attempt requires 1 hour of silent, unmoving meditation. If the attempt fails, there is no cooldown. Chance of success depends on Intelligence, skill level, and the spell you are attempting to create.
Skill: Scribe Scroll
You may attempt to write a scroll for any spell you know, or duplicate any scroll of which you have read the description. Requires writing materials and 5 minutes of effort. Chance of success depends on Intelligence, skill level, and the spell you are attempting to scribe.
Benefit: Scholarly Interview
Cost: 30 MP and 1000 gold worth of reagents
Cooldown: 1 hour
If you and another crawler sit and hold hands for 1 hour within a mystic pentacle surrounded by appropriate reagents, silently and without moving, you gain +1 to any single spell that they know and you don't. The reagents are available from any magic shop as well as in the Desperado Club marketplace. Cost of reagents is fixed and not subject to discounts of any kind.
"The Desperado Club and Club Vanquisher are two organizations that you'll see throughout the dungeon. In general, you can only belong to one of them. So long as I'm a game guide, I'm not allowed to say more than that."
Dungeon Book of the Floor club
Once per floor you will receive a random spellbook in the mail. Mailboxes can be found in every safe room and personal space.
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Class: Necromancer
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These guys are super creepy. They probably got into necromancy because they wanted to boink dead people.
- +3 Intelligence
- +1 to the Second Chance spell
- +1 to the Control Undead spell
- +1 to the Destroy Undead spell
- Baby's First Necromancy kit
- A level 2 Necromancy crafting table (available on 4th floor)
Spell: Second Chance
Cost: 10 MP
Duration: (Spell Level) minutes
Target: 1 corpse that was lower level than you
Raises a corpse from the dead and places it under your verbal control. The corpse is destroyed at the expiration of the spell.
Spell: Control Undead
Cost: 1 MP
Cooldown: 1 minute for a given target
Target: 1 undead
Attempt to gain control of an undead you do not control. Chance of success depends on Intelligence, spell level, target's level, and level of the controller if it has one.
Spell: Destroy Undead
Cost: 10 MP
Cooldown: 1 minute for a given target
Target: 1 undead
Attempt to destroy an undead mob. Destroyed mobs do not drop loot but do provide XP. Chance of success is 100% for mobs you control. For mobs you do not control, chance of success depends on Intelligence, spell level, target's level, and level of the controller if it has one.
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Class: Pirate Captain
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Arrrr! Ya scurvy scalawag! Shiver me timbers and set sail for high adventure! Sure, real pirates were murderers, rapists, and thieves, but you get to be the romanticized, Errol-Flynn-esque version. Lucky you!
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +3 Dexterity
- +3 Charisma
- +2 to the Acrobatics skill
- +2 to the Sword skill
- A Platinum-tier eyepatch
- +5 to the Plunder skill
- +5 to the Age of Sail skill
- Every time you kill a boss, you will receive two loot boxes instead of one
- When you swing on a rope, chandelier, etc you will receive the Pirate's Luck effect for 10 seconds. Cooldown 1 minute
- Pirate-type mobs will not be automatically hostile to you
Skill: Plunder
Every time you kill a boss you will receive (boss level - your level, minimum 1) x (Skill level) x (Charisma) gold pieces.
Skill: Age of Sail
While you are aboard a water-going vessel, that vessel's speed, handling, and toughness increase by 50% per skill level.
Effect: Pirate's Luck
Reminder: This effect is only active for 10 seconds after you swing on a rope, chandelier, etc and has a cooldown of 1 minute.
Similar but superior to the Fortune Sculpting spell, this effect distorts probabilities in your favor. The bonus/malus varies based on your Charisma and your Character Level.
Note: This effect will stack with your Fortuna's Favored Child skill.
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Class: Professional Gambler
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You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away...and when to run!
When you were little you used to play poker for M&Ms with the boys; soon enough, you got hooked. Having no other talents and unable to get a job doing anything else, you started hustling pennies from the rubes. Then you graduated to the tournaments and worked your way up to the big leagues. Now you make a living from your stone-cold poker face and the occasional bit of cheating.
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +2 Charisma
- +5 to the Gambling skill
- +3 to the Fortune Sculpting spell
- +3 to the Card Throwing skill
- Your resistance to Charisma-based charm attacks is doubled
- A Bottomless Box of Chance Cards
- Membership in the Dungeon Book of the Floor club
- A Desperado Club pass
Spell: Fortune Sculpting
Cost: 20 MP
Duration: (Charisma) seconds
Probabilities are distorted in your favor. Falling objects are less likely to hit you, enemy attacks against you are more likely to miss, your chance-based special abilities are more likely to activate or succeed while those of your enemies are more likely to fail when directed at you, and so on. The bonus/malus is dependent on your spell level and your Charisma.
Note: This effect will stack with your Fortuna's Favored Child skill.
Bottomless Box of Chance Cards
These are perfectly normal playing cards when examined by anyone but you or another Professional Gambler, except that when the cards are removed from the box they are always in new-deck order. If a card is discarded or destroyed then a copy of it will reappear in the box so long as the cards are in the box. This will happen within the next hour, or whenever the cards are returned to the box if that is longer than an hour.
With a mental command you can prime cards from your deck that you are touching. Once primed, the card becomes rigid metal with (if you so desire) razor-sharp edges. You cannot cut yourself with your own cards. Upon impact with a surface there is a chance that a primed card will trigger one of a variety of possible effects including healing, exploding, chain lightning, etc.
Dungeon Book of the Floor club
Once per floor you will receive a random spellbook in the mail. Mailboxes can be found in every safe room and personal space.
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Class: Relentless Justiciar
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This class is only open to crawlers who:
- Have a base Intelligence of 15 after assigning stat points but before class bonuses
- Have met at least two crawlers who have skulls and inflicted harm, physical or emotional, on them
Champions of justice or psychotic serial killers who have channeled their criminal impulses in a useful direction? You decide!
- +3 Strength
- +4 to the Pathfinder skill
- +3 to the Crawler Hunter skill
- +3 to the Chains of Justice spell
- A Gold-tier Scroll of Upgrade that will target one piece of equipment of your choice
- The Angelic Approval benefit
- A Desperado Club pass
- The Desperado Bounty Hunter License benefit
- The Determinator benefit: You do not need to sleep and do not get tired
- The Inspiring Leader benefit: all members of a party of which you are the leader gain your Determinator benefit and guest access to the Desperado Club
Skill: Pathfinder
Your minimap covers a much larger area. This skill is trained by keeping your map open to maximum size.
Skill: Crawler Hunter
This skill will duplicate the effects of the Find Crawler skill, allowing you to locate a crawler whose name you know. It will also help you locate all crawlers with skulls who are within range, regardless of whether or not you know their names.
Spell: Chains of Justice
Cost: 10 MP
Cooldown: 1 minute
Target: a being who has killed at least one crawler
Range: (Spell Level) x 5 meters
The target is wrapped in chains and immobilized. Target can attempt to dodge. Strength of the chains, difficulty of dodging, and difficulty of escape are dependent on spell level.
Benefit: Angelic Approval
If you kill a crawler who has skulls, you will not receive a skull. Instead, you will receive a number of angel-wing badges equal to the number of skulls they had. So long as you have at least 1 badge you gain the following benefits:
- +N to all your stats, where N is the number of badges you currently have
- Mobs and NPCs with the Holy subtype will lose their automatic hostility and start off positively inclined towards you
- You are welcome in the common areas of Club Vanquisher. This applies regardless of whether or not you have an active Desperado Club pass
- You may spend a badge in order to heal a being to full health and provide bonus health equal to their maximum health. May not be used on beings who currently have bonus health. Target must be within 10 meters of you. You are a valid target
- You may spend all of your badges (minimum 5) to resurrect a crawler who died in the last 10 seconds. They will return to life at 5% health with all buffs, debuffs, and status conditions removed. They must be within (your Character Level) meters of you and you must have line of sight
- You will not die if your health zeroes out. Instead, one of your badges will be removed and you will be left at 5% health. This effect will only activate in combat.
Benefit: Desperado Bounty Hunter License
You will not be censured for killing a crawler in the Desperado Club so long as the crawler had skulls.
Levi whistled. "Wow. Those angel-wing badges are massively overpowered."
"But they require killing someone with skulls," Calliope said. "Even if we wanted to kill other crawlers, we haven't met that many people with skulls."
"You will," Levi said grimly.
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Class: Republican Senator
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Damn, I admire these guys so much. When it comes to gaining and retaining power, these guys are the hands-down masters. You should say 'Thank you very much, AI Sky Daddy, for being the nicest, thoughtfulest, most generous Sky Daddy of them all' that I allow you the privilege of obtaining such privilege. Not that you will. In fact, I doubt you'll even acknowledge that you have privilege. Granted, as laughable yet expected as that would have been a few weeks ago, there's an argument to be made that you're lacking in privilege given how we blew up most of your civilization. (Sucked down would be more accurate but sounds lewd.)
This rare and exclusive class is only available to crawlers who:
- Are male
- Are white
- Chose a race that is NOT too visually distinct from human, at least some of the time (e.g. Doppleganger is valid and Scion of the Zree is valid if committed to human final form)
- Have a Charisma of at least 20 after spending stat points but before bonuses/penalties from class and race
- Received 500 billion views before reaching the third floor
- Received 100 billion followers before reaching the third floor
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- -1 Intelligence
- -3 Strength
- -3 Constitution
- +8 Charisma
- The Own the Libs benefit
- +5 to the Filibuster spell
- +3 to the Gerrymander spell
- +3 to the Incentivized Reality Denial spell
- +3 to the Super PAC skill
- A level 5 Cockroach skill
- All of your attacks have the Unholy affinity, allowing them to damage mobs that couldn't normally be damaged and inflict greater damage on mobs with the Holy affinity
- Mobs with the Unholy affinity will lose their automatic hostility and start off positively inclined towards you
- The Stay in Your Lane benefit
- Note: You will be given the appearance of a man in his sixties. This will not affect you mechanically
Benefit: Own the Libs
Cost: 1 MP (normally it's more, but you get a discount, you special snowflake you!)
Target: One mob
Duration: 30 seconds
Cooldown: 1 minute
Requirement: Immediately before using this benefit, you must insult the target. Doesn't matter if they understand it; it's just for my amusement.
Did you know that people get offended when you insult them? Nobody knew that, but it's true.
This is a massively amplified version of the Taunt spell. It's the best version of the Taunt spell, better than any version ever seen before. Everybody says so.
There is no chance of failure. The target is forced to attack you immediately, using melee attacks if at all possible and eschewing other targets, options, or considerations. Mobs that were not red-tagged become so.
Spell: Filibuster
Cost: 3 MP
Duration: As long as you keep talking
Target: One red-tagged mob
If successful, the target is slowed as long as you continue talking in a clearly audible voice about useless things. (In other words, not battle tactics, warnings, etc.) While filibustering you must remain on your feet and may not lean on anything or consume anything. Chance of success and degree of slowing depends on your level in the spell, your Charisma, and the target's level. When the filibuster ends, the target is hit with a Taunt effect equal to 2+(Spell Level).
Your filibusters become much more potent as you practice.
Spell: Gerrymander
Cost: 10 MP
Duration: (Charisma x Spell Level) seconds, until sufficient damage is inflicted on the barrier, or until dismissed
Target: An irregularly-shaped contiguous area of no greater than (Skill Level) x 2 square meters
Creates an invisible barrier 5 meters tall around the perimeter of the chosen area. Mobs and their weapons and spells cannot cross the barrier, although they can go over it. You choose the shape of the area but shapes that are too bizarre will cause reality to tell you that you're full of shit and therefore the spell will fail. Shapes that are not bizarre enough are insufficiently exploitative and therefore the spell will fail.
Spell: Incentivized Reality Denial
Cost: 1 MP
Target: One red-tagged mob that has attacked you in the last 30 seconds and is at least half your level
Requirement: Immediately before casting this spell you must loudly shout "There's no such thing as [name of target's species]!"
If successful, gain gold pieces equal to: Charisma x (monster level) x (Spell Level). Chance of success depends on your level in the Spell, your Charisma, and the target's level.
After targeting a mob with this spell, you must wait until it attacks you again before using the spell again. You may only target a given mob a maximum of 3 times ever, because after that point even you are forced to admit that they exist.
Skill: Super PAC
Cost: 100 GP base
You may spend gold to either:
- Multiply damage and effectiveness of all your spells by (Skill Level) for (Charisma) seconds
- Heal yourself for (10 x Skill Level)% of your max HP. Healing above your max will provide bonus health
Amount of gold required increases based on the number of times you have used this skill in the last hour. Both abilities stack with themselves but stacking them increases the gold cost substantially.
Skill: Cockroach
You have a chance of surviving an otherwise fatal attack. At level 5 you are guaranteed one free lethal hit per fight, though you will be at 5% health afterward. At level 10, your health will not go down at all after the first fatal strike. The only way to train this skill is by using it.
Benefit: Stay in Your Lane
There's a thing you're reeeally good at but in general all that learnin' and edumacation stuff ain't really your forte. All class actionables train 5% more quickly. All actionables that are NOT class benefits train 5% more slowly.
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Class: Rogue
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Rogues do it from behind.
- +3 Dexterity
- +2 Intelligence
- +3 to the Backstab skill
- +3 to the Move Silently skill
- +3 to the Hide in Shadows skill
- +3 to the Climbing skill
- +3 to the Pick Pockets skill
Skill: Backstab
Damage is increased by 150% per level if you attack from behind without the target being aware of you. There is also a very small chance of a critical strike which will triple your total damage.
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Class: Special Effects Nerd
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Growing up, you wanted to be a movie star so bad. You joined the theater club as a kid, you read books on acting, you took classes. Unfortunately, you've got the face of a wet cabbage and all the stage presence of a bowl of over-salted noodles. Your dreams dashed, you figured that you could at least get stage-adjacent by putting your nerdiness to work creating the pretty pictures that let James Cameron indulge his fetish for blue-skinned aliens with USB ports in their heads.
Even that turned out to be less exciting than you'd thought. You don't have the sort of creative freedom you had hoped for; the Director makes all the decisions of what will get worked on and your immediate manager tells you what to do on a day-to-day basis.
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +1 to the Mirage spell
- The Manager benefit
Spell: Mirage
Cost: 5 MP
Cooldown: 5 seconds
Duration: Concentration + (2 x Intelligence) seconds or until dismissed
AOE: Cube with sides (Intelligence / 5) + (1.25^(Spell Level)) meters centered on the caster
Creates an illusion that covers every sense you possess, including temperature. The illusion is not solid and will not inflict actual damage. The illusion can be updated so long as you concentrate on it. Once you stop concentrating, the illusion remains static. You cannot start again once you stop.
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Class: Textile Worker
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This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +4 Intelligence
- +3 Dexterity
- +3 Charisma
- +5 to the Threadsense skill
- +5 to the Thread Rectification skill
- +2 to the Weaving skill
- A level 4 Weaver's crafting table (available on the fourth floor)
Skill: Threadsense
You are aware of the precise location and description (color, composition, thickness, etc) of all threads within (Skill Level) x 20 meters.
Skill: Thread Rectification
One or more targetable threads become inviolable and attempt to straighten themselves with an effective Strength of (Skill Level) x 50. Threads are targetable if they are entirely within range of your Threadsense skill and are NOT loot box items. Threads you have affected with this skill will not harm you. Threads you have affected with this skill will not exert force on you unless you want them to, and even then only to the degree you wish.
Threads remain straight so long as you concentrate on maintaining the effect and, at your discretion, for up to (Skill Level) x 10 seconds afterwards. Threads outside your Threadsense range cannot be concentrated on. Overuse of this ability will start to drain your mana.
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Class: Vegas Strip Magician
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Some magicians have Made It. They have performance halls with their faces on the side, television shows, and they get invited on Oprah. You're not there yet. You're still young and hungry, working the street and hustling for every dollar. Your material is fresh, your skills are sharp, and you're going to be the Next Big Thing or die trying!
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +4 Dexterity
- +4 Charisma
- +3 to the Sleight of Hand skill
- +4 to the Audience Attention Direction skill
- +3 to the Smoke and Mirrors spell
- +3 to the Translocate spell
- A Gold-tier top hat
- +3 to the Battle Bunny From A Hat spell
- A large number of skills are unlocked, including Pick Pockets, Lock Picking, Gambling, and Prestidigitation
Skill: Sleight of Hand
This rare and exclusive skill provides all the abilities of the Pick Pockets, Lock Picking, Gambling (cards and dice only), and Prestidigitation skills. It stacks with those skills. The Gambling aspects mean knowing the rules of games and how to cheat. Prestidigitation involves palming, vanishing, producing, sleeving, swapping, and otherwise manipulating objects in the hands. (e.g. cards, dice, coins, blitz sticks, wallets, etc.)
Skill: Audience Attention Direction
If successful, the audience (i.e., all in-dungeon beings who are looking at you) looks where you want them to, which could be at you or at something/someone else. Success depends on, among other things, spell level, your Charisma, and their Intelligence.
Spell: Smoke and Mirrors
Cost: 10 MP
Cooldown: 1 minute
Range: (Spell Level) x 3 meters
There is a large burst of smoke that hangs in the air for (Intelligence + (Spell Level) x 3) seconds. The smoke completely blocks vision for everyone except you.
When the smoke clears, you may choose to apply an Invisibility effect to one target; this could be you, another being, or an object. Effectiveness of the effect depends on spell level.
Spell: Translocate
Cost: 15 MP
Cooldown: 5 hours
Range: (Spell Level) x 10 meters
This spell will fizzle if you are currently being observed by any in-dungeon being.
When this spell triggers, you are teleported to an area within range. You do not need line of sight. Non-magical barriers are ignored. Some magical barriers are ignored. You need clear space in which to land; if the destination is obstructed the spell will fizzle.
"Translocate is completely busted," Levi said. "The description doesn't say this, but starting at level 5 it lets you bring other people with you. Plus, it's one of only a handful of teleportation effects that will go through walls and where you don't need to even know what's on the other end. Fantastic spell. I had it during my crawl and it saved my butt a lot."
Spell: Battle Bunny From a Hat
Cost: 10 MP
Duration: 1 minute per spell level
You reach into your hat and pull forth a rabbit with a switchblade and a mean streak. The width of that mean streak depends on the spell level, as do the level and stats of the bunny. The bunny will obey any simple commands that you give it without regard for its own life. It disappears when the duration expires.
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Class: Wizard Supremacist
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These guys ain't exactly all there, you get me?
Most wizards believe that magic is the best solution to all problems. These guys take things to a whole new level; they are pathologically riveted to the idea that magic is the only solution to all problems.
Requirements: This rare and exclusive class is only open to crawlers who, before reaching the third floor, have:
- Obtained a skill of at least 5 with a spell
- Killed 1,000 mobs with that spell
- Received at least 1 trillion views
- Received at least 100 billion followers
"A thousand mobs?" Levi said. "The hell? Drew, how did you kill a thousand mobs with one spell?"
"...Would brindle grubs count?" Drew asked after thinking for a moment.
Levi laughed. "Yeah, they would. It's funny; a friend of mine, another guide, said that he had a crawler last season who also got an incredible class for that same exploit. Nice guy, apparently." His face fell. "Uh, yeah. Anyway, Borant patched that out a few days after people hit the second floor, but..." He frowned, thinking, then shook his head. "I don't remember the crawler's name. Started with a 'T', I think. Anyway, he was lucky enough to get the achievement before it was patched out. Not sure why Borant didn't keep the patch this time around. Weird."
This is an Earth class. As an incentive to choose an Earth class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
- +20 Intelligence
- The Life for Power benefit
- +3 to the Mystic Assault skill
- +2 to every spell you already have
- +3 to the Empowerment spell
- +6 to the Shield spell
- Bonus to the Annihilation Dart spell
- If you do not have it, gain the spell at level 9
- If you have it at level 1-8, increase it to level 9
- If you have it at level 9 or higher, increase it by +2
- +3 to two spells of your choice from the following list: Clairvoyance, Gravity Resurfacing, Haste Self, Leap, Memetic Unnoticeability, Mind Shield, Minionize, Puddle Jumper, Thermal Regulation, Torch, Trap Spotter
- Enhanced Arcanum: The first of your spells to reach level 15 may be trained to level 20
- Your mana potion cooldown is decreased by 50%. Cooldown of other potions is unaffected
- +50% discount at all magic shops
- VIP membership in the Dungeon Book of the Floor Club
- Pick two, duplicates allowed:
- 500,000 gold pieces
- 300 mana potions
- 20 mana potions that disregard cooldown
- A Cheat Code potion that will affect one of your spells
- A Study Guide potion that will affect one of your spells
- A Mastery Unlock potion that will affect one of your spells
- One pick from a list of spellbooks. The list will include Invulnerability among the selections
- Disadvantage: The 'Punching is Beneath Me' disadvantage
Benefit: Life for Power
Duration: (Character Level) seconds
Cooldown: 1 hour
You may spend 50% of your current health pool to temporarily double the maximum size of your mana pool and then refill your pool completely. The lost health regenerates normally, but you may not use magical healing for 10 minutes. The effect lasts for (Character Level) seconds and has a cooldown of 1 hour. Does not stack.
Skill: Mystic Assault
Damage from your magical attacks is multiplied by the level of Mystic Assault. This includes damage from weapons that are wielded magically.
Spell: Empowerment
Cost: 40 MP
Target: Self
Duration: 30 hours
Cooldown: 1 hour
The effectiveness of the next spell you cast before duration runs out will be increased by 50% per level of Empowerment. This effect stacks up to ((Spell Level) / 2) round up times but does not compound. Stacked castings will all expire when the first one expires.
Spell: Shield
Cost: 5 MP
Cooldown: 10 minutes
Target: Self
Duration: 10 hours or until destroyed
You are surrounded by a magical shield that prevents damage. The shield can absorb an amount of damage dependent on spell level and fails when it reaches that total. Cannot be cast while a prior instance is already in effect. Certain damage types (e.g. psychic damage, health-draining debuffs) may bypass the shield. Does not stack.
Spell: Annihilation Dart
Cost: 5 MP
Range: 10 x (Spell Level) meters
A 'roided-out version of the Magic Missile spell, this one attempts to disintegrate the outer layers of whatever it hits and get inside. Successful or not, it then explodes. At level 5 you may use anywhere from 5-10 MP when casting it; up-costed casting will increase what is already a lot of damage.
Dungeon Book of the Floor club
Once per floor you will receive a random spellbook in the mail. (NOTE: VIP members such as yourself receive two books.) Mailboxes can be found in every safe room and personal space.
Disadvantage: Punching is Beneath Me
This disadvantage will activate if:
- You make a bare-handed attack
- You attack with a weapon, enchanted or mundane, WITHOUT wielding it magically (e.g. via a spell such as Dancing Weapon, Telekinesis, or Astral Hand)
- Your armor or specialized clothing (e.g. motorcycle leathers) protects you from taking damage
- You enter a hazardous environment while wearing protective gear relevant to that environment. (e.g. Wearing a hazmat suit into a room filled with toxic gas, a firefighter's bunker gear into a burning house, or a wetsuit and/or SCUBA tank into the water.)
When this disadvantage activates, you lose:
- 1 point from all base stats (permanently)
- 1 level from all spells (permanently)
- 50% of your current health
- The ability to use magic for the next 30 hours
In this context, 'use magic' means casting spells or activating item-based spell abilities.
"An 'item-based spell ability' is something that doesn't cost you mana because it's coming from an object, not from you," Levi explained. "A scroll would be the standard example. Drew, the Gravity Anvil spell you got from the hair gel would be another."
Voting time! What do you do next? Voting will end when there have been no votes for 24 hours.
New Achievement! Discordian Delight
You are invited to drop by the
#dungeon-crawler-you channel in the
Quests and Stuff Discord. (That second link is an invite to the server.)
