Burden of the Emerald Empire (A Legend of the Five Rings Tale)

The words you say aren't the ones he wants to here. They aren't you letting all the emotions that you've been keeping so tightly locked away, out. They aren't you reassuring him that you're fine, they're not even some admission that you can't.

"I'm sorry" you say.

You're sorry for so many things, but most of all, not being the brother Takeshi deserves, and wanted.

Takeshi doesn't say anything taking a deep breath instead.

"Stiff necked until the end...I don't know why I expected anything else." He says tersely.

Slowly he stands up, swaying a little as he goes over to the geisha, and says something. The woman rises smoothly and leaves the room.

You watch her go as Takeshi comes back and sits down.

"You need to talk about this to someone, and if not to your own brother for some stupid fucking reason, then you'll talk to someone else."

"Takeshi---"

Takeshi snaps.
"Quiet, Hisao you are my brother, and I thought you got that. Emperor Vassal? That's important, but I never wanted this, I never wanted any of this. I just wanted to help you, to help our family. But you and mother both are pig headed idiots who refuse to understand family is family!"

You blink, you haven't been yelled at since....since Kaname made you take time off years ago.
Kami, it hurts to think about that. But even if he's right, he's not.

"It's not that simple!"

Takeshi walks over to you and lifts you up.
"Yes it is that simple, and I thought you understood that. When you brought me to the palace, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. I understood you had a duty, you couldn't always be where I wanted you. But you tried, and I treasured that, and always wanted to do the same for you. But now you're breaking, they don't see it, but I do. The way you tense whenever you see a Phoenix mon, the way you trail off when you smell her perfume."

He lets you go seeming to realize he's gone too far with actually touching you like that.

"You're throwing yourself into your duty, letting it consume you, and it might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but when Minoru graduates, she's not going to know you, because all that will be left of you is your duty. So for her sake and yours, you will talk to this geisha, and say everything you need to say, so that you can start to breathe again." Takeshi says.

"And if I don't?" You ask, the haze of alcohol burning away.

How dare he bring your daughter into this, the sorrow turns to anger, and Takeshi is asking for it.

"Then I'm going to beat the shit out of you until you see reason." he says simply.

He is still your brother.
"Takeshi even on your best day..." you begin.

"I wouldn't beat you, if you were still training, but you're not."

You begin to raise your fist, if he wants to be like that, you'll show him whose training still counts...

The door slides open. A young woman, maybe ten years younger than you? Stands in the hallway looking towards the two of you, in her hand is a small box for something. Her face is done up carefully, subdued, just enough to hint at so much more and yet be completely natural looking. Elegant hair has been held in place by several pins just so.

Takeshi looks at her and then takes a deep breath.

"This is Hana, she can't talk, say whatever you need to her. None of your secrets will be found out, no one will ever know but you and her what was said."

Your anger is still there, Takeshi went to far, too far by half, but in front of someone else, you can't lay into him like you normally would. So instead you seize on a problem you immediately see.

"And how is she gonna talk back?" You ask.

"Inside the box are fine rocks that she can draw words in, you're drunk, but you should still be able to read what she says." Takeshi says.

"...Oh" You say in return.

That's actually fairly clever. You don't want to give him credit but you do, still going to give him hell tomorrow.

"And what's going to stop me from leaving?" You ask.

You're the Emperor you don't have to put up with his bullshit.

"This" Takeshi says striving forward and locking the door behind him.

A part of you wants to be impressed with the absolute audacity he just showed. The rest of you is thinking about how you're going to murder him...

You open your mouth to shout when Hana taps on her box, and you look over to read.

'Forgive me, but Lord Akodo has ordered the house vacated until morning, just so you are aware.'

Murder is too soft a word for what you will do to your brother when you get out of this. Double murder? Is that a thing? Can you kill someone so hard that their next nine lives feels it? You don't know, but finding out sounds like a real bonding experience.

The sound of rocks shaking as Hana writes something else.

'Since we are here, would my Lord wish to sit, and partake of anything?'

A deep sigh comes from you as you roll the question in your head. You are stuck here until then, because the Emperor smashing through a geisha house wall is improper so you won't do that. A small part of you notes that killing your kinsmen is also improper, but that's a problem for Future Hisao.

So in lieu of a better idea you shrug and sit down.

"Any way to get tea?"

Hana nods and moves to the back and slide open a small compartment to reveal a kettle and tea set already prepared. She puts on the kettle, and starts the fire with practiced ease.

With that done she turns back to you and again shakes the box before writing:
'My Lord, I am yours to command in anything'

Anything...you're sure in some stupid pillow book this would lead to you doing something improper, but you won't, you're better than that. Kaname made you better than that.

Kaname...

And you don't know if it's the booze still in your system, the exhaustion from the near blows you had with your brother or something else, but you just lie down on the floor and look at the ceiling.

Takeshi had said she couldn't talk, there would be no records, nothing to let anyone see you being weak, but the endless lessons, the endless need to be the strong steel pillar of the Empire makes it so hard to let go, so hard..

And then you feel a soft hand taking yours. It's such a simple thing, improper yes, but also...welcome, touch you haven't felt in a year pushes through your defenses and you start talking.

About how much it hurt to lose Kaname, how much you miss her still, how you hate that she died for you, how powerless you feel, how you keep expecting her to be there, for the first time since her funeral, you feel tears stinging your cheeks. The kettle is poured and tea is drunk as you keep talking.
Fear for the future, about how you made your choice based on an intuition rather than knowledge, how it feels like the world keeps trying to grind you down, to crush you, like everything you do is just barely treading water.

Secrets you had only told Kaname come out to this simple geisha woman, who cannot talk, cannot let them loose.

And yet she says a thousand things with simple gestures. The touch of her fingers against you, slight but conveying a solidity, a truth, that she is here, and she understands.
She does not give you absolution, you don't want absolution.

But in the end she does give you...

[] Comfort. You're not okay, you might never be okay. But you can live with that, you can deal with that knowing that there is at least one place to set down your burdens if you ever want to.

[] Peace. It's a slight thing seized in a half drunken haze between two people, but it is real, the pain isn't there for a night, and you treasure it.

[] Understanding. You are Hisao, not the Emperor, not the Steel pillar, that's a part of you, but not the only part of you...and that pillar will fall if you don't take care of all of you.

Early in the morning, you wake up with your head in Hana's lap, as the door unlocks. You instantly sit up and strive over to it to see a somewhat hung over Takeshi looking at you.

You punch him hard in the jaw, and he goes down to the ground.

"Don't you ever do that again" You hiss.

Takeshi looks up at you with eyes far too like your own, and nods.

"...But thanks." you manage to say.

Son of a bitch your hand hurts....you're out of practice, like he said. Realizing he was right makes you want to hit him again, instead you strive forward ignoring the pain like it didn't exist.

You have your pride.