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This Bites! (One Piece SI)

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Summary: Sea Kings, sea-sickness, sunburns, a 95% genocidal Navy and more than a million and one...
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    • Xomniac

    Xomniac

    Clockwork Purveyor of Prose and Originality
    Summary: Sea Kings, sea-sickness, sunburns, a 95% genocidal Navy and more than a million and one other assorted ways to die. It's official: Being inserted into an anime sucks ass... Buuut I guess it could be worse. I mean, look on the bright side: At least I'm sailing with the future king of the pirates.

     
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    • Chapter 1 - New Romance Dawn Pt 1
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    • Chapter 1​

    -Xomniac- Alright, let's see... can you think of any better words than 'smirk'?

    -Xomniac- It's the general sentiment I want, but I've used it way too much...

    -CV12Hornet- 'Smug grin'? 'Vulpine grin'? 'Shit-eating grin'?

    -Xomniac- No, no... gugh!

    -Xomniac- *Headdesk* Screw it, we've been at this too long. Want to brainstorm something else?

    -CV12Hornet- Well… I could use someone to bounce ideas off of for this Dragon Ball Z fic I'm thinking of...

    -Xomniac- Pass, DBZ's not my thing :S

    -CV12Hornet- Ow, my childhood :p

    -Xomniac- Heh... hey, you read 'Walk on the Moon'?

    -CV12Hornet- Can't say that I have.

    -CV12Hornet- In fact, it's the first time I've heard about it.

    -Xomniac- It's a Naruto SI. Really brilliant, truly a sight to behold.

    -CV12Hornet- Oh boy… I've not had good experiences with SI in general. And Naruto? Double whammy there.

    -CV12Hornet- I mean, there's only one SI I can think of that I can honestly say I liked.

    -CV12Hornet- And I suspect half the reason is nostalgia.

    -Xomniac- Heh, I suppose that's fair enough. They are a little overdone... but still, you gotta understand why they do it, right?

    -Xomniac- I mean, can you imagine? Going to those worlds, standing side by side with those people... scary as hell, to be sure... but what the hell are we accomplishing in front of our computer screens?

    -CV12Hornet- Well, we're entertaining people. That's something, right?

    -CV12Hornet- Besides, inserting into a fictional universe sounds like a great way to die a horrible death.

    -Xomniac- Yeees, 'entertaining'... with fics that barely get a second glance... and yeah, it'd be bad, if you were shit outta luck

    -Xomniac- I mean, so long as you wound up in the right verse, your odds can be pretty good.

    -Xomniac- Example: One Piece. Get on the Straw Hats and you'd be set for life! In for the wildest ride of your life, but still, pretty damn set.

    -CV12Hornet- Really? Of all the verses, you picked One Piece?

    -CV12Hornet- I think I'll stick to the verses where the baseline for durability *isn't* superhuman.

    -Xomniac- *shrug* Your opinion. Me, though... man, to get to sail on the Blue seas... I'd give anything for that. Least I'd get outta writing papers! XD

    * Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch has joined the conversation!*

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Your wish is my command!

    -CV12Hornet- I was gonna make a joke about nice men in white jackets, but I can't argue with that logic.

    -Xomniac- Wait wh

    -Xomniac- Awww shit

    -CV12Hornet- Wait, who's this jackass?

    -Xomniac- Read the initials.

    -CV12Hornet- Oh shit. Oh shit fuck fucking fuckdonkeys.

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Oh calm down. I need one of you to stay behind and keep writing, and he's the one who offered.

    -CV12Hornet-...

    -CV12Hornet- Yay?

    -CV12Hornet- I'm... just gonna go talk to Admiral Tigerclaw for you, okay?

    -Xomniac- Don't.

    -Xomniac- You.

    -Xomniac- Fucking.

    *CV12Hornet has left the conversation!*

    -Xomniac-...

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Honor among thieves, huh?

    -Xomniac- *Headdesk* Tell me about it.

    -Xomniac- So... no chance of getting out of this?

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- None!

    -Xomniac- Time to prepare?

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Absolutely zero!

    -Xomniac-... can I grab a change of clothes?

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- What you wear is what you get!

    -Xomniac- Grrggrgrrrrggh...

    -Xomniac- You're a real bastard, you know that?

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- But at least my tone is pleasant!

    -Xomniac- *Sigh...* Can I at least send an email to my parents? They're gonna flip...

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Now this is where I'm a little bit more pleasant!

    -Xomniac- ?

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Time dilation! So long as you manage to survive to the end, you'll come back here to this exact point in spacetime with the option of going back to visit whenever you want!

    -Xomniac- ...that's... oddly generous...

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Weeeell, considering how your chances of survival are slim to none, not rea~lly! Honestly? I just want to make sure you don't angst over your 'precious lost family' like a little bitch! Do you have any idea how annoying that gets!?

    -Xomniac- *HEADDESK!*

    -Xomniac- ... fuck it. Headfirst into hell.

    -Xomniac- So, how are we doiFUCKSHIT!

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Mind the drop!

    *Xomniac has left the conversation!*

    *CV12Hornet has joined the conversation!*

    -CV12Hornet- Hello? Xomniac? You still here, buddy?

    -CV12Hornet- Crap.

    -CV12Hornet- Okay, step number one: don't panic!

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Sorry, nobody here but us chickens!

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Now... seeing how you're apparently missing a co-writer...

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Care for some... divine intervention? 8D

    *CV12Hornet has left the conversation!*

    *CV12Hornet has blocked Really Outstanding Biotch!*

    -Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- *pouts* Now that was just rude!

    -o-​

    Warm... soft... scratchy... I sighed as I shifted around a little bit, trying to get comfortable. I just needed a little more sleep, then I'd be ready to go for the day. Just... a little... more...

    SPLASH!

    COLD! WET! UP MY NOSE!

    "GAH! SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!" I howled, springing upright and staggering away from the waves. I panted and doubled over as my head spun from getting up so fast, idly wiping sand from my-

    Wait.

    I froze as I started to process the facts.

    Waves and sand. Neither of those were in my dorm room.

    I slowly worked the crust out of my eyes and blinked as I tried to take the scenery in.

    A nice, wide stretch of beach, bordering on an endless expanse of beautiful pure blue ocean.

    The first thing that ran through my head was 'This isn't my room.'

    The second was almost 'How did I get here?', but that train was violently derailed by the rapid recollection of the latest memories I could recall.

    The third thing that ran through my mind was a mishmash that could be loosely labeled as 'SHITFUCKFUCKDEADFUCKWHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO!?'

    I promptly slammed the brakes on that line of thought, slapping my hands to my forehead and inhaling deeply through my nose. "Don't panic don't panic don't panic, fear is the mindkiller, don't panic, think!" I ground out, if only for the sake of hearing my own voice.

    After a few seconds of standing there and borderline hyperventilating, I managed to calm myself down and actually think about facts.

    Fact one: ROBs are fucking fuckers who deserve to have railroad spikes shoved through every inch of their being.

    Fact two: I was calming down a bit if I could manage to swear like a sailor.

    Fact three: I was in One Piece. I had to be. Or at least, I had to believe that I was. If I was in some other, less relatively friendly world, or heavens forbid one I knew nothing about...

    I shivered violently. No, no, don't think about that, keep going.

    Fact three: Chances were high that I was in One Piece. This meant that my proposed course of action was still the best: find my way onto the Straw Hat Pirates. Sure, logically, I could live the life of a civilian, especially if I was somewhere in the East Blue... but that plan has thorns in and of itself. For one, my skillset is firmly zip-to-none on account of me becoming a literal college drop-out, and for another the Blue Seas are teeming with blood-thirsty pirates and Marines with potential to be worse than the pirates!

    Was living the life of a Straw Hat terrifying? Yes. Was it dangerous, life-threatening even? Oh hell yeah! Did it guarantee that I'd have some of the potentially strongest people in the world watching my ass so long as I managed to become their friend? You better damn well believe it.

    I nodded firmly, my decision reinforced: It looked like it would be a Straw Hat Pirate's life for me.

    Moving on, I focused on fact four: I had abso-fucking-lutely no clue where the hell I was.

    Well, at least that was one problem I could fix!

    I spun on my heel... and stared at the tropical jungle laid out before me.

    My guts ran ice cold. 'Ohgod nonono, not Little Garden, for fuck's sakes NOT LITTLE GODDAMN DEAD END GARDEN!'

    However, a hasty glance at the horizon and a moment of listening was enough to soothe my panicked mind. No mountainous skeletons, no roars of prehistoric monstrosities, no pillars of smoke from periodically erupting active volcanoes. I was safe... for a certain value of the word.

    I winced as I tugged at the collar of my jacket. I was also pretty damn hot, and not in the good way!

    'Wait...' I blinked as a thought struck me. 'Jacket?'

    I made a hasty review of my apparel: My favorite large, black and pocket-lined shell jacket/hoodie, check. A t-shirt with urban camo on the chest, check. My black cargo slacks, check. Beaten leather loafers, check. Aaand finally the dark gray pair of industrial-grade heavy-duty bluetooth headphones I'd shelled out almost five-hundred dollars for that were hanging around my neck. Check, for whatever that was worth.

    I let out a weary sigh as I zipped my jacket open. As one could expect from a tropical climate such as this, it was rather humid. Thankfully, being a headstrong Floridian with an aversion to showing more skin than I needed to appeared to be paying off for once, as I was used to the heat.

    I winced as my head throbbed painfully, promptly whipping my jacket off and tying it's arms around my waist.

    Alright, relatively used to it. Sue me, it must have been a hundred degrees out here!

    Anyways, without any other options available to me - especially after a final glance back at the ocean confirmed that there wasn't a ship in sight - I started to march forwards into the depths of the muggy green hell.

    To be honest, I normally liked taking nice and long walks. However, there were two primary factors missing that made this little venture hell: first, I didn't have any music to listen to, so I was bored straight the hell out of my mind. And second, there wasn't any beaten path to speak of, so I was forcing my way through a dense barrier of wild foliage that was doing everything naturally possible to get in my way.

    After what felt like forever of displaying my vast vocabulary to mother nature in a... shall we say, creative manner due to catching my jacket on branches, tripping over roots and ducking under vines and what not, I caught sight of and dashed into a clearing of grass. I almost immediately doubled over as I tried to catch my breath and started to think once anew.

    First and foremost, as far as I could tell, the island I was on was most likely deserted, devoid of all forms of sapient life apart from me. Which was... unfortunate. I had absolutely zero idea where I was. I didn't know which Blue I was in, even which hemisphere I was located on! As it stood, I had about a one in three chance of being somewhere I could run into the Straw Hats. East Blue or Paradise? Good! Any other Blue or, god forbid, the New World? Things would become a lot more... interesting was one word. Complicated was more appropriate though.

    Second-

    My stomach let out a vicious rumble, prompting me to blush in embarrassment. Right, food. Food is definitely my second priority. Which was complicated on account of how I had no experience with nature, but I'd have to at least try. Hopefully I could get my hands on some kind of-

    My train of thought ground to a sudden and vicious halt. "I've been marching through this jungle for ages..." I mused aloud. "Why the hell haven't I heard so much as a single animal!?"

    "SQUAWK!"

    "YEARGH!" I yelped, leaping almost a foot off the ground in shock. The he-!? I snapped my head around and scanned the treeline in shock. Where the hell did those birds come from!?

    "OOH OOH AAH AAH!"

    I spun around as another cacophony of noise erupted behind me. Now monkeys!? How the hell did they stay hidden!?

    "GRRRR!"

    I went stock still as a pair of all-too-feral snarls simultaneously erupted from the foliage of my sides. They sounded like my cat... if she were on steroids.

    "RRRUFF! RRRUFF!"

    And that sounded like my dog straight ahead of me, only a lot bigger and a lot less willing to play.

    Forcing myself to keep my breathing slow and my panic out of my thought process, I started to inch myself backwards. Just a bit more, just a little bit closer to the foliage...

    "GROOOOAAAAR!"

    I am not ashamed to say that I shrieked like a little bitch and fell flat on my face as I scrambled away from the jungle. I stand by the firm belief that it was a very appropriate reaction to having a lion roar ten inches behind me.

    I gasped and panted heavily as I lay on the grass, my mind reeling with fear. I'd never had a panic attack before, but something told me that I was right on the edge of getting one.

    However, before I could go over that edge, a new noise managed to catch my attention.

    Laughter. A lot of laughter, from a variety of different people, men and women and young and old alike, like a badly edited together laugh track.

    I realized two things from that laugher: First, the fact that a lot of the laughs were unique really helped cement the idea that I was in One Piece. After all, where else would someone have a laugh like "Chyokokoko"?

    The second thing, I realized with a furious snarl, was that someone was mocking me. Hastily scrambling to my feet, I charged towards the foliage in the direction the laugher was originating from.

    However, just before I hit the plant life, the laughter changed direction, suddenly coming from behind me. I glanced at the opposite side of the clearing for a second, but I ignored it and pressed ahead. Fooling me once was bad enough, and I wasn't willing to go two for two.

    And with that, I delved into the jungle, shoving my way through the plants and scouring the jungle for whoever the hell was fucking with my head. After a few minutes, I managed to catch sight of another clearing. I charged out of the jungle...

    And promptly slid to a halt, staring in disbelief. "What the hell...?"

    The clearing I was in was only half as big as the last one I'd been in, but it had a table of rock in the center of it.

    Stationed upon the rock... was a snail, or at least something that looked very similar to a snail. Its shell was a little larger than a baseball, and its body was about the same size to match. Its skin was a darkish gray, and its shell was emblazoned with a black and white checkerboard pattern.

    The snail also had eyes on the tips of its stalks and a mouth full of teeth in the middle of its body.

    It was also whipping its head back and forth and cackling uproariously, tears of laughter pouring from its eyes.

    I blinked as I processed this turn of events. That... was a transponder snail. It was a bit weird to see a snail that big in real life, but the form was unmistakable. I withheld a sigh as I felt a weight lift off my heart. No doubt about it: I was one hundred percent in One Piece!

    Then I felt a dark rage flood me. Whoever was mocking me was on the other end of that snail!

    "HEY!" I yelled angrily, putting all my frustration into my voice. "ARE YOU ALL THROUGH ENJOYING THE SHOW OR WHAT!?"

    The snail jumped in shock, blinking at me in surprise... before leaping back and screaming in terror. And not just any scream either, a high-pitched woman's scream.

    I jumped at the noise, my breath catching in my throat. "What the fuck!?" I blurted.

    Then I froze as I noticed something. It's shell... it was unblemished! There wasn't a speaker in the side of its shell!

    My mind flew as I to connect what I was seeing. This was a transponder snail, no doubt about it, but without an actual transponder attached to it, then it was a wild snail. And as far as I knew, it was impossible for people to communicate through wild transponder snails...

    My mind froze as I ran the last sentence through my head. Impossible... like, say... a person of rubber?

    I smiled uneasily as I made the connection. "You've got to be kidding me..." I muttered in disbelief.

    It was at that point that I started as I realized that the sound I'd been listening to had changed. Instead of screaming, the snail had curled in on itself and was crying its head off, sobs coming out of it in a loop.

    I flinched as I took in the reaction. Now I remembered a rather pertinent fact: snails this small were known as baby transponder snails. Sure, I liked kids as much as I liked writing essays, but this...

    A stab of guilt ran through me as a particularly miserable sob rang out from the snail. I hastily fell to my knees and inched my way towards the snail, my hands raised placatingly. "Hey hey hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I cooed softly. "I didn't mean to yell, I was just frustrated, please don't cry!"

    The snail's cries subsided as it slowly looked up at me, tears still streaming down from its eyes. "S-sowwy?" It croaked in a voice that wouldn't be out of place coming from a toddler.

    I hesitated for a moment before smiling shakily and slowly nodding. "Yeah, s-sowwy. By the way..." I slowly made my expression eager as I leaned forwards, looking at the snail with interest. "That's a really neat trick you've got there. Did you get them after eating a fruit with swirls that tasted yucky?"

    The snail blinked at me before nodding its head slowly. "C-coconut." It said, the word pasted together with syllables from several other voices. It then scrunched its face up and stuck its tongue out in disgust. "Blech!" It spat in the voice of an old man.

    I chuckled lightly at the face it made. "Heh, yeah. I hear that those kinds of fruits usually taste like ass." I slowly looked him over in curiosity. "So... unless I miss my guess, you can make all kinds of sounds and noises, right?"

    Almost instantly, the snail smiled and nodded. It opened its mouth...

    "GAH!"

    And I promptly jumped in shock as the forest around me erupted with noise. Screeches, roars, snarls, buzzing, everything one would expect from a jungle. Like someone had just up and flipped a switch!

    However, as swiftly as the noise started, it came to an abrupt end and was replaced with the laugh track from before as the snail returned to laughing itself senseless.

    I panted as I processed the change in demeanor before slowly starting to snicker. "That... that was pretty funny..." I admitted with a shaky smile before closing my eyes in thought. "Alright... seeing how Apoo can apparently use his powers to make music, I'm guessing he's got something akin to the Music-Music Fruit. So..." I looked at the snail contemplatively. "I guess that means you ate the... what, Noise-Noise Fruit?"

    The snail stopped laughing and considered my words for a second before smiling and bobbing its head from side to side. "Noise-Noise Fruit, Noise-Noise Fruit!" It crowed in my voice.

    My eye twitched slightly. "Alright, that's a little creepy..." I admitted before hastily plastering a smile on my face. "But cool!" I slowly extended my hand towards the snail. "It's really nice to meet you. My name is Cross. Jeremiah Cross."

    The snail blinked and sniffed at my hand contemplatively before smiling. I smiled in turn as well.

    It then opened its mouth...

    CHOMP!

    "YEARGH!"

    And brought its teeth down on my index finger, causing me to howl in pain as I shot to my feet and whipped my hand back and forth. "GETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!" I shouted, trying to get the gastropod to release my digit.

    Finally, the toothy snail had the decency to let go of my finger, flying off me and bouncing off the stone it'd been resting on before righting itself. It's eyes spun madly for a second... until it refocused itself and grinned madly, cackling once anew.

    I huffed and shook my finger frantically as I tried to work out the pain. God damn that had hurt like a bitch! I cast a vehement glare at the snickering snail as I started to wipe the mucus and saliva off on my pants. "I take back all the nice things I said about you! You're nothing more than a little-!"

    I froze as my hand bumped into my pocket. Specifically, against something inside my pocket.

    Slowly, ponderously, I dug my hand into my pocket and withdrew what was within in disbelief.

    "I can't freaking believe it..." I breathed.

    In the palm of my hand was the last thing I'd ever expected to see: My iPhone 6S, completely intact and, with any luck, fully functional.

    Suddenly, the device pinged and its screen lit up, displaying a text message.

    -B.R.O.B.- Ain't I generous? Check out the upgrades!

    It didn't take long to understand what my 'beneficiary' was talking about: a quick once-over of the screen showed that there were infinity signs next to both the battery and wifi symbols, guaranteeing that my phone would be working for a nice long while.

    "Huh..." A grin slowly played across my face. "Well... thanks, I guess!" I slowly tilted my grin to make it a bit more hopeful. "I don't suppose you could get me something to eat too, while you're at it?"

    Another text popped up.

    -B.R.O.B.- Greedy greedy! Buuut sure, why not? Wouldn't do for you to starve, would it?

    Without warning, something fell and landed on my head. I hastily snapped my hand out and caught whatever it was before it could fall to the ground. I smiled immediately once I caught sight of the golden arches emblazoned on the paper.

    Most people would bitch and moan about McDonalds being unhealthy shit. Then again, those same people hadn't spent who-knows-how-long tramping through a jungle.

    "Thanks a lot!" I crowed, opening the bag and digging into the food within, enjoying it... right up until I actually noticed one of the tastes in my mouth and froze in horror.

    I swallowed heavily, slowly turning a horrified look towards my phone. "Did... I just eat a biscuit?"

    -B.R.O.B.- I guess this'll teach you to watch what you put in your mouth, huh?

    The blood promptly drained from my face. "Oh you son of a-!"

    As if on cue, my stomach let out a far too familiar gurgle of distress.

    A roll of toilet paper promptly bounced off my skull.

    -B.R.O.B.- Run run run, as fast as you can! Better hurry, lest you soil your pants, little man!

    "FUCK!" I howled, scooping up the toilet paper and darting off in search of a suitable hole.

    After about a half hour of what felt like liquid napalm tearing through my intestinal tract, I finally managed to stumble my way back into the clearing. "I need to stop laughing at those Haribo Gummy Bear reviews. I know their pain far too well..." I glanced down at my palm with a scowl. "And as for you-!"

    I froze and stared at my empty hand in shock. Where the hell had I-!? I promptly slapped a hand to my forehead. Right, dropped it when I grabbed the toilet paper. I started scanning the ground. It should still be somewhere on the...

    I caught sight of the bottom of my iPhone... just as it disappeared into the maw of the transponder snail, followed by it swallowing heavily and grinning at me with a shit-eating smile.

    ...grass.

    My eye twitched furiously. "Ah... I... you..." I mumbled out. My mouth promptly twisted into a dark scowl as I started to march towards it, my fingers twitching murderously. "You... little... shit..."

    The snail's smile dropped in favor of a fearful expression as it started to inch away from me, glancing left and right in search of an escape route.

    Then it suddenly froze, blinking as it's gaze became slightly unfocused, staring at something I couldn't see.

    I hesitated slightly as I stared at it. "Uh... hey, are you alright? I'm pissed, I don't really want to hurt you, I'm just a little-!"

    "!" The snail suddenly blared, it's head snapping up in wide-eyed shock.

    "GAH!" I leapt back from the snail in shock at the sound the snail had made. It was loud and frantic and-!

    I blinked as I caught up with my train of thought. Wasn't that sound-?

    "Was... was that the Metal Gear Solid alert sound?" I asked in disbelief.

    The snail blinked at me in confusion before smiling exuberantly, opening its mouth...

    "IT'S THE EYE OF THE TIGER, IT'S THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT, RISIN' UP TO THE CHALLENGE, OF OUR RIVAL!"

    And belting out lyrics from a very familiar sound.

    I gaped at the snail in disbelief. "You've... got to be kidding me..." Suddenly, as I shifted my shoulders, I became intensely aware of the weight around my necks. Thinking fast, I snapped my headphones up and over my ears and clicked them on, praying that my 'patron' - a word I was very hesitant to use - had upgraded these as well.

    Almost instantly, I was forced to wince as my ears came under an auditory assault.

    "WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY? I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT! WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE MADE FROM BROKEN PARTS! CEEEELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!"

    "Grk!" I hastily whipped the headphones back down around my neck in an effort to save my eardrums. I gave the snail a bemused look as it continued to smile and bob it's head to some unheard beat. "Oh yeah, you definitely have access to my world's internet..."

    The snail finally looked up and smiled at me with a snarky smirk. "Thank you!" He crowed.

    I blinked at in disbelief for a second before freezing as a thought struck me. I looked over the snail contemplatively. This snail, his power wasn't much, but... well, on the surface, rubber and silence and springs didn't seem like a lot either, right? And quite honestly, I liked being able to swim, so... Well, nothing for it, right?

    "Hey... you can understand me, right?" I started slowly.

    The snail looked up at me before nodding slowly.

    "Right... well..." I looked away uncomfortably. Man, why did this have to be so hard. "Look, let me ask you something... do you like being here on this island? I mean..." I gestured at the silent forest around us. "The reason there aren't any animals nearby... I'm guessing it's because you scare them away with that noise you make, right?"

    The snail started and stared at me in shock before nodding again, only this time its expression was saddened.

    "If you could... what would you say about leaving this island? With me, I mean."

    The snail snapped its head up in shock.

    "See..." I scratched the back of my head with an uneasy smile. "I've... got a bit of a plan. You know what pirates are, right?"

    The snail nodded with a grimace.

    "Well, I know about a pirate crew that's not like other pirates. They're strong and amazing and... well, I want to join them! I want to join their crew and follow them out to sea and... well, hopefully have a lot of fun doing it. But..." I hung my head with a sigh. "The fact is, a pirate's life is a dangerous one, and I'm just a plain old normal human being. A nobody, really. I don't have the edge needed to survive on the high seas."

    I then slowly raised my eyes and looked at the snail hopefully. "So... I was wondering... if you'd be willing to come with me and be that edge?"

    The gastropod tilted its head in confusion. "Say whaaa?" It imitated.

    I shrugged helplessly. "Well, the fact is, all Devil Fruits have the potential to be incredibly powerful, none are inherently weak. All that's needed to make them work is their user's ingenuity. But, well..." I gestured at the snail with a grimace. "As you already know, you're a bit... physically challenged."

    "DON'T CHU DIS ME, BOY!" The snail barked irately.

    "Hey hey, that's neither your fault, nor is it anything to be ashamed of, it's just a fact!" I waved my hands defensively. "But, well... look, I'm trying to make you a proposition, alright? Come with me: You be the power, the brawn, and I'll be your arms and legs, the person to tell you how to direct your powers, how to use them to their fullest! The brains!" I spread my arms wide. "Together, we'd be able to join those pirates and sail the Blue Seas! We'd see sights we never imagined, do things that have never been done! Basically... we'd have an adventure. And let's be honest..."

    I cast a baleful look at the jungle. "It's not like you or I would ever have one here, now would we?" I looked back down at the snail. "So... what do you say, kid? Are you in or are you out?"

    The snail bit it's lip as it glanced back and forth contemplatively, gears grinding in its head. Finally, it smiled from eyestalk to eyestalk and extended an eye. "Put 'er there, partner!" It drawled.

    I smiled eagerly. "Well alright then!" I extended my hand-

    CHOMP!

    "GRK!"

    And winced in pain when the snail chomped down onto my fingers, grinding its teeth into my digits.

    I half-grimaced, half-smirked at the snail as I brought it up to my eye-level. "I think I just got a good name for you..." I ground out. "How do you feel about being called Soundbite?"

    The snail - Soundbite - glanced up at me before smirking and redoubling the strength of his bite.

    "YEOWCH!" I cried out, flinging my hand up.

    Thankfully, Soundbite let go. Unfortunately he let go!

    "Oh crap crap crap!" I scanned the air. "Hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you alri-!?"

    CHOMP!

    I went stiff as a sharp pressure clamped down on a very... delicate part of my body.

    At that instant, I became acutely aware of just how tired I was. Seeing no point in staying upright, I slumped forwards and fell face first into the grass.

    "It's official..." I groaned miserably. "This bites..."

    Soundbite snickered malevolently from where he was gnawing on my ass in agreement.
     
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  • Threadmarks
    • I would have killed the snail to take the phone out of its stomach, forget its power. And hopefully found the fruit after realizing it would show up somewhere, and start looking for it.
     
    Always like a good SI, and loving the humor. Though I'm not very familiar with the setting.
     
    hmmm, interesting. i wonder what arc of the show/manga hes in. watched
    Edit:
    im also just gonna leave this here
     
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    Chapter 2 - New Romance Dawn Pt 2
  • Threadmarks
    • Chapter 2​

    "Pst! Wakey wakey!"

    "Mmmph... no..."

    "Time to wake up!"

    "Mmmeergh... mmm... pancakes..."

    "HEY, LISTEN!"

    "GAH!" I jolted upright with a yelp, wincing as I whipped my headphones from my ears. "Son of a- Soundbite!" I snarled at the transponder snail that was cackling on my shoulder. A quick glance at the sky reaffirmed my anger. "It's not even noon yet you little shit! What'd you wake me up for?"

    The snail's response was to continue laughing for almost a minute as it did its level best to memorize my terrified expression.

    I heaved a weary sigh as I waited the snail out.

    This had been my life for the previous two weeks. I'd done my best to explore the island in hopes of finding some sign of civilization, but I'd come up with absolutely jack squat. There had been the occasional run-in with the odd predatory sample of fauna here and there, but Soundbite had more than shown his worth by running them off with the barrage of sound every living thing on the island had come to fear.

    I'd also taken the time to get to know Soundbite, in order to discover both who he was and what his powers were like. There wasn't much to say about the snail, to be honest: he was a notorious prankster through and through, who'd give or do anything to get a good laugh. And he'd been laughing a lot since I'd provided him with a prime target of opportunity: His faithful steed, i.e. me. He also loved using his mouth. Whenever he wasn't laughing, he was chomping down, either on some leaves or, worse, me.

    As for Soundbite's Noise-Noise powers, they were... well, in a word, impressive. I suppose one way to describe the snail would be as the world's most talented ventriloquist. So long as Soundbite heard a noise, any noise, he could replicate it perfectly, with his own choice in volume and explicit control over the direction it came from. Backwards, forwards, above, below, to the sides, so long as it was in Soundbite's range he could make anything sound like it was anywhere.

    And as for his range, well... apparently, the Noise-Noise Fruit was a two-way street: it didn't just enhance the noise coming out of him, it enhanced what went in as well. It was hard to get an exact measurement, but from the tests we'd run on the island's beach, I'd approximate that as it stood, Soundbite could hear everything within a quarter mile of him. And so long as Soundbite could hear someone or something, he could produce noise around that someone or thing as well.

    While this range might appear to be ridiculous, it made sense: from what I could remember from the SBS question corners, transponder snails communicated with one another via telepathic communication in the form of radio-waves. Unless I missed my guess, Soundbite's natural abilities as a transponder snail must have enhanced the Noise-Noise Fruit's abilities, or vice-versa. Probably something like how Eneru's powers made his 'mantra' ungodly powerful. Simply put, it was a stroke of luck that Soundbite had eaten the fruit, and not a human with less powerful sensory abilities.

    And of course, that wasn't even mentioning the nigh endless array of audio that Soundbite had access to thanks to eating my iPhone and getting access to the internet... however the hell that worked. Then again: One Piece, the world where a cook could set his leg on fire for extra POW via spinning a lot and the 'power of love'.

    In the end though, while it didn't seem like the most offensively-useful ability to have, I could definitely see the potential.

    'Now if only its owner were actually a bit more mature...' I groused silently as I watched Soundbite calm down from cackling to just flat out snickering. "Finished?" I demanded.

    Soundbite shot me the shit-eating grin I'd grown all-too-familiar with. "Never!" he crowed.

    I sighed and knocked my head back against the trunk of the tree I'd been sleeping in. "You'd better have a good reason for waking me, or I swear-!"

    "C'mooooon, guys! Hurry up already!"

    I froze, my entire body locking up. That voice... that was... could that actually be-!? I hastily slid my headphones on in order to reaffirm what I waas hearing.

    "Wait for us, Luffy! Geeze... impatient moron..."

    I slowly turned my head to stare at Soundbite in sheer disbelief. I managed to catch the tail end of an exasperated smile he was wearing before he switched to a wide smirk.

    "Well what did you expect? He is Luffy after all."

    I sat up eagerly as Soundbite scowled, clenching his teeth together as though he were biting into something.

    "The mosshead's got a point. He wouldn't be our captain if he didn't charge headfirst into the unknown, shouting his head off."

    My exuberant smile was an exact opposite to the panicked expression Soundbite suddenly bore.

    "Uh... guys? I-I-I don't know about you, but I think my 'I-don't-want-to-go-into-that-wild-jungle' disease might be acting up!"

    I slid my headphones back around my neck and hastily scrambled to my feet, crouching on my branch with an eager smile. I could barely believe it! They were here, they were here! "Sounds like we've got company, Soundbite!" I grinned wholeheartedly. "You feel ready to entertain some guests?"

    Soundbite mirrored my expression perfectly as he displayed his full set of teeth. "LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUMBLEEEEE!" He belted out, thumping out a rapid, energetic tune to go with it.

    I slowly straightened up, preparing myself for a venture through the treetops...

    "Hey, that's a pretty neat trick!"

    Until a grinning, Straw Hat-clad head popped out from the leaves above me, causing me and Soundbite to shriek in terror as I jolted back in shock.

    I had all of one second to realize what a bad idea that was before I started pinwheeling my arms, fighting to maintain my precarious balance on the branch under Luffy's bemused stare.

    I put up a valiant effort, but eventually I felt my center of gravity slip just a little too low.

    "Ah shitbiscuits..." I groaned.

    "TIMBER!" Soundbite cried, snapping back into his shell as I plummeted out of the tree...

    CRASH! "OUCH!"

    And slammed into the ground hard enough to knock the breath out of my lungs.

    I was vaguely aware of someone leaping down next to me and leaning over me. "H-, -ou -ight?"

    "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do..." I slurred out.

    "YANkee doodle had a FARM..." Soundbite concurred in a medley of dizzy voices.

    "Shishishishi!" The blur above me solidified into a familiar face as Luffy snickered. "You two are funny!"

    "Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week." I groaned as I slowly shifted myself into a sitting position, wincing as my body ached from the impact.

    "You've been warned, people!" Soundbite crowed.

    "HAHAHA!" Luffy outright guffawed, clutching his stomach helplessly. "I take it back, you two are really funny!"

    His laughter was infectious enough that it drew a pained smile from me. "Thanks again... ah, I should introduce myself, shouldn't I?" I extended a hand to him. "Cross. Jeremiah Cross. Island bum and ex-rookie-world-traveler." I nodded my head towards my shoulder. "And this is my pet-!"

    CHOMP!

    I winced as Soundbite tried to take a chunk out of my ear and hastily corrected myself. "I-I-I mean my partner, Soundbite." I shot a glare at the smirking gastropod.

    Luffy chuckled as he took my hand and helped haul me to my feet. "Nice to meet you, Cross! You too, Soundbite! I'm Monkey D. Luffy! Pleased to meetcha!"

    I shook his hand. "Nice to meet you too, Luffy! What brings you to this particular abandoned corner of the... East Blue?" I estimated, based on the fact that the Straw Hats were only five members strong and didn't have Vivi on board.

    The captain shrugged, his expression never changing. "Me and my crew were running a little low on meat, so we came here to resupply!"

    I smiled eagerly. This was my chance! "Your crew, huh?" I asked him.

    "Shishishi! Yup, you bet!" Luffy nodded. "We're pirates, you see!"

    "Yohoho and a bottle of rum?" Soundbite tilted his head to the side.

    "Yup!" The rubber-man nodded.

    I hastily morphed my expression into an uncertain one. "Pirates, huh? Just to be clear, are we talking about the 'rape, loot, pillage'kind of pirates, or the 'adventures no matter what anyone tells us' kind?"

    Luffy grimaced and stuck his tongue out. "The second one! The first kind are all stupid fakers!"

    I doubled over and sighed in relief. "Phew... thank god. Sorry, no offense to you or your crew, it's just that you can never be too careful, you know?"

    "STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DAN-ger...?" Soundbite concurred with a grimace before suddenly cutting off mid-sentence and peering over Luffy's shoulder curiously.

    "Heh, no problem! Luffy shrugged with a chuckle. "I've dealt with those kind of jerks before!"

    I nodded and chuckled along with him. "Yeah, yeah..." As I chuckled, my mind flew along.

    This was it. Now was the time. Luffy had already shown interest in me, Cross the intriguing island bum and my talking snail Soundbite. If I was going to ask him if I could join his crew, now was the time.

    I took a deep breath to steady myself-

    "Hey, mind if I ask you something?"

    Before freezing in surprise. I stared at him for a second before shrugging. "Sure?"

    Soundbite worked his jaw and imitated eating popcorn, sound and all, as he watched both us and the foliage behind Luffy.

    Luffy grinned from ear to ear. "Will you join my crew?"

    I blinked as I processed his question. Then...

    "ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" I demanded, my shocked exclamation mirrored closely by the quartet of familiar faces who erupted from the jungle, all of us screaming in shock.

    "Now that's what I call ENTERTAINMENT!" Soundbite cheered, laughing himself silly on my shoulder.

    I promptly shook myself out of my shock in favor of glaring at the snail. "You knew they were coming!" I accused.

    "GUI~LTY~!" The transponder snail sang.

    I snarled furiously as I raised a hand and held it close to his head, inches from strangling him.

    Luffy, meanwhile, was not so lucky. "What the hell are you thinking, you moron, just asking every random hick and hillbilly you meet to join our damn crew?!" Nami snarled as she tried to throttle her laughing captain, shaking him back and forth by his neck.

    I briefly wondered whether or not I should have been insulted at being called a hick. Then I noticed just how tightly she was gripping Luffy's neck and dismissed that train of thought with a self-conscious gulp.

    "But Nami!" Luffy protested as he chortled, completely unaffected by the fact that his crewmate was trying to suffocate him. "He's not a random hick! His name's Cross and he's really funny and cool and his snail can do all kinds of tricks!"

    "WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?"

    Sanji cocked his eyebrow as he took a drag from his cigarette, watching the spectacle neutrally. "So this is pretty much how he does things around here?"

    Zoro groaned and kneaded the bridge of his nose. "He found me when I was tied up and starved for nearly a month and held my swords hostage to make me join. Does that answer your question?"

    The cook grimaced. "Considering how he 'refused my refusal'? All too well."

    While all this was transpiring, Usopp sighed wearily and clapped his hand on Cross's free shoulder. "Sorry about Luffy. He's got a good heart, but he's... eh..." He waved a hand in search of a valid word.

    I tore my attention away from my shoulder-annoyance. "A moron?" I deadpanned.

    "A ding-a-ling?" Soundbite offered enthusiastically. "A goofball? A Knucklehead McSpazatron?"

    "Eep!" Usopp flinched back in shock.

    "Shishishishi!" Luffy bent his head backwards as he smiled at Soundbite. "See Nami? I told you that his snail is really cool!"

    Nami snapped an acrid glare up at us, prompting me to flinch self-consciously. The woman had a hell of a gaze, that was for sure. I just really hoped that more of her ire was meant for Luffy than it was for me. "It's a good ventriloquist act, I'll give you that, but it's nothing to get worked up over."

    I bristled at the accusation, pointing at Soundbite. "Hey, I do not have my finger up his ass!"

    "I'm not your puppet!" The snail sang in agreement simultaneously with an affronted expression.

    Nami's expression morphed into one of surprise. "Oooookay... that's new."

    "But not impossible." Sanji said around his cigarette as he pointed at the snail. "That's a baby transponder snail, Luffy. He's got a friend somewhere on the island speaking through it."

    Luffy's expression fell into one of disappointment. "Awww, really?"

    I allowed myself to throw an eager smirk at Sanji. "Guess again, curly!" I gloated, holding my hand to my shoulder and allowing Soundbite to crawl onto my palm. I then held him out and twisted my hand around, displaying his shell. "Soundbite here is as free as the wind!"

    The snail smirked and looked Nami over once before letting out a loud wolf-whistle.

    I spat out a curse and promptly clapped my hand down on Soundbite's shell, forcing him back inside his exoskeleton he shook with laughter. "Okay, make that as free as an anarchist!" I corrected aggravatedly. I really hated it when he did stuff like this, damn it!

    Sanji blinked as he slowly lowered his finger. "Alright... yeah, I got nothing."

    Luffy's grin redoubled instantly. "I told you his snail was cool!"

    "Oi, what am I, chopped liver?" I groused.

    Zoro gave the snail a bored look before looking up at me with a flat, if calculating, look. "So how does he do it?"

    I drew myself upright and took my hand off Soundbite's shell, allowing him to peek out. We locked gazes for a second before we shared a smirk. Time to shine!

    "Why I'm so glad you asked!" I announced in a slightly extravagant tone of voice, intent on putting on the best show I could. "Allow me to explain in style! Soundbite?"

    "Yes cap'n?" The snail asked eagerly as he looked up at me.

    I snapped my fingers and pointed straight at Nami. "Hit it!"

    Soundbite swung around on my hand and smirked at the orange-haired woman, who blinked back at him in curiosity.

    I kept pointing at her as I smiled before starting to speak. "You see, the thing about Soundbite is that he's not an ordinary snail!"

    The Straw Hats yelped in shock as my voice was drowned out by Nami's voice as it came from Soundbite's mouth.

    "The heck-!?" The original sputtered.

    Before they could recollect themselves, I'd swung my finger to point at Usopp. "Well, I mean, I know that he's a baby transponder snail, so he's not normal already, but he's even weirder than that!"

    "Holy crap!" The long-nosed pirate breathed in shock.

    I then turned my focus on Sanji. "See, Soundbite here, as a snail, eats a wide variety of plants and vegetation. But awhile back, he ate a very particular plant that put him above and beyond all other transponder snails, baby or otherwise! Care to guess?"

    Sanji sucked in a puff from his cigarette as he watched me and my partner with interest. "A Devil Fruit."

    "That's exactly right!" I responded in his voice before shifting Soundbite's gaze over to Zoro. "To be specific, he ate a Paramecia fruit, which I'm calling the Noise-Noise Fruit. Not only does it enhance Soundbite's range of hearing well above and beyond the norm..."

    I breathed a mental sigh of relief as the swordsman grinned in response to the use of his voice, thankfully entertained.

    Moving on, Luffy matched me and Soundbite's grins tooth for tooth as I pointed at him. "It lets him repeat anything he hears, any time, any where! He can use his powers in other cool ways too, like, say... putting my words in your voices! Pretty awesome, huh?"

    Apparently sensing the finale, Luffy threw his arm over my shoulder and joined me as I laughed. "Shishishishi!" we chorused.

    Almost instantly, half the crew deflated as exhaustion seemed to overcome them.

    "Oh god there's two of them..." Nami groaned, tears streaming down her face.

    "We're doomed..." Usopp concurred in the exact same position.

    Zoro snorted as he looked us over with a slightly amused expression.

    Sanji took in a deep drag from his cigarette as he contemplated my snail. "That was..."

    "Impressive?" I shrugged with a grin as I put Soundbite back on my shoulder. "Tell me about it. And personally, that's what I consider a parlor trick. He's got a few other stunts up his shell that, in my opinion, can be put to pretty good use."

    "GREEAAAH!" Soundbite howled without warning. The noise originated directly behind Usopp, causing the poor guy to jump a full five feet in the air as he shrieked in terror.

    I dropped my face into my hand with a groan as Soundbite laughed himself shitless. "When he isn't screwing around for the absolute hell of it..." I snarled out.

    To Usopp's credit, he managed to bounce back with frightening fortitude, leaping to his feet and sticking his infuriated face into Soundbite's. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU STUPID SNAIL!?"

    My eyes widened in panic as I caught sight of the snail's grin all but doubling in size. "Oh nonono wait don't-!"

    Too late. Before anyone could react, Soundbite seemed to split his head in half as he opened his maw...

    CHOMP! "YEEEEAAAAAARGH!"

    And bit down on Usopp's nose, hanging on for dear life as he was swung around and around by the pirate's pained flailing, his by-now-trademark cacophony of laughter echoing throughout the clearing.

    I could feel, feel my eye twitching as I watched the spectacle. "As you can see, I didn't name him without reason." I explained in a deadpan tone of voice.

    "You have our sympathy." Zoro, Sanji and Nami chorused with the exact same amount of emotion.

    Luffy was too busy rolling on the floor laughing to say much of anything.

    "GET! HIM! OOOOOFF!" Usopp howled, tugging at the gastropod furiously.

    Ultimately, I took pity on the sniper by pursing my lips and blowing a sharp whistle. "Soundbite! Let him go, now!" I then raised my hand and barely even flinched as Soundbite's shell slapped into my palm, vibrating with laughter. "Thank you." I told him without so much as a shred of gratitude as I slapped him back onto my shoulder.

    "You're WELcome!" He sang gleefully.

    Nami pursed her lips for a second as she looked me over before shooting a flat look at her captain. "Look, Luffy," she started slowly. "While I can appreciate Cross and Soundbite's talents, and while I'm sure that they're ... that Cross is relatively decent..."

    "Thank you!" I piped up.

    "BITE ME!" Soundbite offered, smiling nonetheless.

    "But the fact remains that... well… he hasn't even agreed to this!" Nami snapped. "Besides, he's a normal guy, Luffy! I'm sure he's got a normal life, normal dreams! There's no reason why he'd want to sail with us!"

    "Besides the fact that I've been stranded here for the past two weeks, subsisting on whatever fruits and whatnot that Soundbite could direct me to?" I asked with a grimace. That stuff had not been kind to me. I wanted my meat, damn-! ...holy hell I was turning into Luffy.

    Nami rolled her eyes as she looked at me. "Well obviously we're going to give you a ride off the island, but-!"

    A quick and meaningful glance at Soundbite prompted him to produce a loud buzzing noise that interrupted Nami.

    "If I could try getting a word in edgewise?" I asked her politely.

    Sanji looked like he was ready to pop a blood vessel, but Nami blinked at me in confusion before shrugging. "Ah... sure, go ahead."

    "Thank you..." I nodded in gratitude before turning my attention to Luffy. "Now then... Mister Monkey D. Luffy... I've got a question for you."

    Luffy blinked and tilted his head to the side curiously. "Yeah? What is it?"

    "You said that you were an adventuring pirate, right? Out to sail the seas in search of the most fun and awesome escapades you can think of?"

    That prompted Luffy to grin eagerly. "Yup! Totally!"

    I nodded slowly in understanding. "Alright, alright... then... tell me..." I looked him dead in the eye. "What exactly drove you to fly the Jolly Roger? What's the endgame, the big picture? Simply put..." I spread my arms wide and shrugged. "What's your dream?"

    Luffy's expression became blank for a second before he raised a hand to clamp down on his hat as he grinned from ear to ear. "That's easy!"

    "I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"

    My plan was to smile and nod. To agree with his crazy but all-too-probable dream and just roll with it. To just... accept it.

    That wasn't what happened.

    Instead, the world just seemed to... stop. Those words... they resonated with me. Struck a chord, deep, deep down within, and made it sing. It was... clarity. It was obvious, it was simple, it was...

    It was fact.

    And just as quickly as it came, it went.

    I hastily gave myself a mental shake before grinning wholeheartedly. "King of the pirates, huh? That means you'll be searching for the One Piece, right? In the Grand Line?"

    Luffy's grin remained in place as he nodded eagerly. "Uh-huh! It's gonna be super dangerous! We'll probably die on the way!"

    "DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT, MORON!" Nami and Usopp roared as they slammed their fists over his skull, while Sanji and Zoro merely rolled their eyes.

    I widened my grin as I ignored the antics. "Well then... let me tell you my dream," I took a calming breath as I hastily reviewed the relatively simple story I'd concocted in my head during my relatively solitary confinement. "First and foremost, can you all keep a secret?"

    The Straw Hats exchanged bemused glances before nodding their assent.

    "Perfect. See, the thing is, my home? You won't ever find it on any written maps. 'Cause as far as the rest of the world knows?" I snickered lightly. "There aren't any countries on the Red Line!"

    That drew looks of awe and disbelief from the pirates.

    "Are you serious?" Nami breathed.

    I nodded solemnly. "Indeed. A small country, more a city-state than anything, known as Florida, located on the part of the Red Line that borders the North Blue and the East Blue. Our ancestors founded it somewhere around... eh..." I waved my hand in a 'so-so' manner. "Four, five hundred years ago? I was never much of a history buff."

    I shook my head. "Anyways, the reason my ancestors founded it was that they were sick of living under the oppressive thumbs of varying kingdoms and factions of the World Government, so little by little they gathered together before scaling the Red Line and founding a nation for themselves. They then made certain to keep Florida nice and secret, so that they would never have to live under the World Government's tyranny again! We've kept tabs on the rest of the world, of course, wouldn't do to become estranged from our roots, but the fact remains that you guys are some of the very few people in the word who can claim to know about our existence!"

    "Wooow..." Luffy breathed in awe.

    Zoro, however, was far less impressed. "And what does all this have to do with anything?" He asked in a bored tone of voice.

    I raised my hands in surrender. "Well... the fact is, for all we've kept up on current events and whatnot... we don't really have a lot of first hand information. People rarely go down to the ocean. But..." My eyes took on a slightly wistful dream as I stared into the distance. "We do... have stories. Stories about wonderful islands far beyond the imagination, of sights more beautiful than anything ever seen before... a literal ocean of possibilities."

    I chuckled lightly as I came back down to earth. "I've... never been satisfied with those stories, you know? I've... I've always wanted... more." I snapped my fists up as I grinned, a true and honest smile. "My dream... is to explore the ocean I've heard so much about! I want to experience those wonders for myself! I want to see those beautiful sights! I want to visit those islands, see everything that they have to offer!"

    The crew stared at me with slightly eager expressions, a new look of evaluation in their eyes as they took me in.

    As my moxy slowly flowed out of my, I grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of my head. "In order to accomplish that goal, I left Florida and came down here, into the East Blue. I was sailing around on a passenger ship when a particularly nasty Sea King attacked. I fell overboard in the middle of all the chaos, wound up washing ashore and, well..." I clapped my hands together and spread them wide. "Here we are!"

    "Anyways... how does this all matter, you might ask? Well..." I chuckled as I smiled happily at Luffy. "You say you're going to the Grand Line. You say you're going to be King of the Pirates. You say you're going to have the greatest adventure of our entire generation. And before all that... you asked me if I wanted to join your crew. Am I right?"

    Luffy nodded eagerly in agreement, excitement radiating from his being.

    I glanced at Soundbite with a smile, which he returned with a smirk, before I looked back at Luffy. "Well in that case, how the heck could I possibly say no?"

    "We're in, BABY!" Soundbite whooped.

    Luffy's reaction was instantaneous as he flung his arms into the air with a shout of joy. "WOOHOO! WE'VE GOT A NEW CREWMATE!" he hollered, swiftly entrapping me in a one-armed hug.

    As if on cue, the rest of the crew let out tired groans.

    "That's our captain, always reckless..." Nami groused, the heel of her palm that she was grinding into her forehead doing nothing to hide her grin.

    "Yeah, but it wouldn't be Luffy any other way, would it?" Sanji chuckled melancholically as he puffed on his cigarette.

    Usopp muttered something under his breath before pointing at Soundbite. "You're alright, Cross, but that snail of yours had better watch his back!"

    Soundbite's smirk took on a predatory overtone as he met Usopp's gaze. "Bring it, biotch!"

    Zoro rolled his eyes at his crew's antics with a scoff before jerking his thumb over his shoulder. "Alright, enough fun and games. It's getting late, might as well head back to the Merry. Fair warning, Cross, you're going to want to brace your stomach. The shit-cook's food-!"

    SLAM!

    Zoro blocked a kick from the blond cook with Wado Ichimonji's sheath.

    "Watch your damn mouth, you crap-GRGH!" Sanji cut himself off as both he and Zoro suddenly doubled over, twitching in pain.

    I blinked in surprise, though I suspected I knew what the problem was. "Are... they alright?"

    Nami growled darkly under her breath as she glared at the pair. "Nothing important. Just a couple of morons forgetting that they were in a life and death struggle a week ago!" she snapped at them.

    "Ouch." I winced. "My deepest of sympathies." I meant it, too. Arlong might have been half-way decently justified, but he was still a sadistic fuck, and Mihawk hadn't done Zoro any favors either.

    "Psh!" Zoro scoffed as he righted himself, albeit with minor tremors racking his body. "What, this? This is nothing."

    Nami stared at him with a decidedly unimpressed expression for a second before jabbing him straight in his chest. The swordsman's face immediately twisted in a grimace as he barely managed to suck in a grunt of pain.

    The navigator scowled and rolled her eyes at the green-haired man's show of machismo before addressing me, adopting a pleasant facial expression with unnerving ease. "Anyways... I think it's high time we were introduced." She held her hand out. "I'm Nami, our - and now your, I suppose - crew's navigator."

    I smiled politely as I shook her hand. "Cross, Jeremiah Cross. It's nice to meet you, Nami. I look forward to sailing with you."

    Nami nodded politely before scowling over her shoulder. "As for everyone else, Moron the First," she jabbed her thumb at Zoro, who flipped her off in response. "Is Roronoa Zoro, while Moron the Second," she indicated the blond cook, who flipped from snarling at Zoro to preening with hearts in his eyes, "Is Sanji. He's Usopp," she pointed at the long-nosed sniper, who didn't break his staring contest with Soundbite before waving her hand at Luffy. "And you've already met Monkey D. Luffy, our fearless-to-a-fault captain."

    I smiled and raised a hand in greeting. "Pleased to meet you all, I hope we can all become good friends," I then proceeded to adopt a plaintive expression. "And please, for the love of god, don't blame me for whatever shit Soundbite pulls. He's my partner, not my pet. I only wish I had a more reliable degree of control over him."

    "Honk!"

    Usopp jolted in panic as a car horn seemed to blare directly behind his head before scowling at the seemingly ever-hysterical culprit perched on my shoulder.

    "For the record, so long as it doesn't incapacitate, maim or kill him, he's fair game in terms of retribution." I deadpanned.

    "TraiTOR!" Soundbite barked as he shot a glare at me.

    "Bite me." I growled.

    Through it all, Luffy all but broke down in hysterics. "You guys are hilarious!" he wheezed.

    While the sniper and navigator turned on our captain under the watchful eyes of our cook and swordsman, I heaved a heavy internal sigh.

    Well... looked like that was that.

    I was officially, now and forever, a Straw Hat Pirate.

    Now... I could only hope things would be smooth sailing from here.

    -o-​

    I let out a rapturous moan as I savored the meat I was chewing on. Oh yeah, definitely smooth sailing.

    "Th'nk- ulp- you!" I managed to get out as I chewed and swallowed, eagerly cutting into another slice of sausage. "This is legitimately, legitimately delicious! Thank you so much!"

    "Mmhmm!" Soundbite murmured in agreement as he chowed down on a bowl of oats that had been provided to him.

    Sanji chuckled in appreciation as he watched us gorge ourselves. "It's no problem. It is my job after all; I'd be a joke of a chef if I couldn't satisfy my diners. Though, fair warning-!"

    THUNK!

    Both Sanji and Luffy froze in surprise as I buried my knife in the table, an inch from the rubber-man's slowly creeping fingers. I slowly turned my head to stare at my captain, my face completely devoid of emotion.

    "Luffy." I stated frigidly. "I have been subsisting on roots, nuts, berries, fruits and 'shrooms for the past. Fourteen. Days. If you even so much as attempt to touch the first sizable amount of protein I've had in two weeks, I will set a global land-speed record for mutiny. In short, remove your hand or I will remove it for you."

    Silence fell on the Merry's meager dining room as the rest of the crew stared at me in shock. Slowly, Luffy withdrew his limb, although, worryingly enough, his gaze never swayed from my plate.

    Finally, Sanji took a contemplative tug from his cigarette. "Well. That was a first."

    "The first time someone's reacted to his antics like that, or the first time he's actually listened?" I queried before putting the rest of my sausage in my mouth.

    Sanji's smirk widened slightly. "Yes."

    I jerked as a heavy hand fell on my shoulder, prompting me to look up at Zoro as he grinned at me. "You'll fit in just fine, kid."

    I shot him a flat frown. "'or t'e 'ecord..." I swallowed the bite in my mouth. "I'm eighteen."

    Zoro's grin turned into an uneven smirk. "Whatever you say, brat."

    I stared at him for a second before sweeping my gaze over the rest of the crew. "This-this is going to be a thing, isn't it? I am never going to shake that, am I?"

    Luffy, Usopp, Nami and - much to my exasperation - Soundbite's reactions were to smile at me knowingly.

    I sighed and rolled my eyes as I jabbed my fork into my plate. "Perfect," I muttered good-humoredly, shoving a large serving of food into my mouth and swallowing it swiftly. "Just, freaking, perf-!"

    I promptly froze as my mind caught up with my tastebuds. "Uh oh..."

    Soundbite's smile expanded exponentially as he snapped his gaze to me. "Dun dun dun!"

    Luffy blinked in confusion. "Huh? What's wrong?"

    With an immense amount of trepidation, I turned my gaze down towards my plate. My eyes settled on the object I logically knew I would see, staring at it as though it were a live bomb. Which, to me, it might as well have been.

    "Is that a biscuit?" I asked miserably.

    Sanji blinked at me in confusion. "Uh... yeah? Why, what does that matter?"

    In response, my stomach roared like a small Sea King, causing my face to take on a no-doubt-unhealthy tone of gray. "That's why." I whimpered. I snapped my attention over to Nami. "Which way to the head?"

    "Uh..." Nami blinked as she was caught flat-footed before hastily rallying her wits. "The deck below us. Go down the stairs, through the door and it's straight-!"

    I didn't wait for her to finish, instead hastily shoving my way out from around the table and out through the kitchen's door. I vaulted over the railing, landed on the deck below and shouldered my way through both doors before leaping on the porcelain god I was about to become far too intimate with.

    And thus was my first half hour on the Going Merry spent in intestinal agony, haunted by Soundbite's ever-present and ever-aggravating mirth.
     
  • Threadmarks
    • Since I cant like a post more than once I will do my best to like them at SB and here as well. That's sort of like liking them twice right?
     
    well I am curious. Will you in particular remain part of the comedy duo or will you be involved with any fighting?
     
    Decided to give this one a little nimble, and found myself gorging myself on the story. So I must ask sir, can I please have more?
     
    Xomniac said:
    Hell if I know. Personally, I think they taste delicious! But the fact is, every single time I've eaten them, I've wound up stuck on the pot with my ass feeling like it's ripping itself open not long after. Nothing solid. Nothing. It buuuurns. T_T
    Click to expand...
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    Does that happen with any other type of bread product? Because it sounds like it could be some type of gluten allergy.
     
    Whats with the biscuit gag?

    Ither wise good story hopefully you get upgraded from NPC.
     
    not gonna lie, this story started out good and got even better.
    i cant wait to see what is next.
    i am also wondering about the biscuit thing, cause not all biscuits are created equal. soft, hard, butter, corn. all though im thinking the type of biscuit aboard ship would be something like hardtack.
     
    Fluffy said:
    not gonna lie, this story started out good and got even better.
    i cant wait to see what is next.
    i am also wondering about the biscuit thing, cause not all biscuits are created equal. soft, hard, butter, corn. all though im thinking the type of biscuit aboard ship would be something like hardtack.
    Click to expand...
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    Mmm... I think it's buttermilk biscuits? It's hard to say, some of them look alike and I'm not willing to do a taste test and find out XP
     
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