It'll be tough to ever beat 38 minutes.
Project Ludovico
- Thread starter Athene
- Start date
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- Tags
- athenemas film media movie review
It'll be tough to ever beat 38 minutes.
Ellimist system
Newly cracked system full of traumatized yahoos.
- Location
- Floating on a rock with my headmates.
- Pronouns
- She/Her/Other
I have seen the face of my next psychotic break, its name is Breen.
Have a happy Hallow-Breen!
Have a happy Hallow-Breen!
Happy Hallowbreen!
- Location
- HELL
- Pronouns
- They/It
A real human breen. And a real hero.
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Where does one start with a Neil Breen movie? That's not a rhetorical device, its legitimately puzzling. He's the second coming of Ed Wood, casting aside all the false prophets who have been annointed with that title. He fails on every level as a filmmaker, writer, actor and more. His movies are so incoherent the blurbs on Amazon are desperate cries for help by copy writers.
"HELP"
Neil Breen is what happens when you take Tommy Wiseau, give him a messiah complex and then beat him about the head with a two by four. He's quite possibly an alien fugitive hiding from creditors trying to blend in by making your human movies and failing at both. He's the kind of filmmaker where I have to explain SAG nudity rules to explain why all his movies turn into CFNM. His technical skills are non existant, to the point that I can say without hyperbole that I made better movies. In junior film school. In the sixth grade. We filmed on VHS and used versions of Adobe products whose EULA's could be found written on cave walls.
He's the kind of creator where the movie about a coked up genocidal AI with a tiger fetish is the more coherent story. You could write 5000 words on the first ten minutes of one of his movies, and a thousand of them would be variations on "WHAT?!", "Why?!" and "How?!". He managed to throw a twist ending into his own credits because of his random lunacy. Oh but don't believe for a second he's not completely full of himself. If Kanye West is on his own dick, Neil Breen is spitroasting himself. His movies are a temple to his high opinion to himself and his messianic political messages. His insane, insane politics.
I'm still obviously working on getting these done, but consider this the introduction for Hallow-Breen. From now until the end of the month, I'm going to be working to get as many of these reviewed as possible. They're of course going to be of considerable length too, because Jesus Christ there's a lot to talk about!
"HELP"
Neil Breen is what happens when you take Tommy Wiseau, give him a messiah complex and then beat him about the head with a two by four. He's quite possibly an alien fugitive hiding from creditors trying to blend in by making your human movies and failing at both. He's the kind of filmmaker where I have to explain SAG nudity rules to explain why all his movies turn into CFNM. His technical skills are non existant, to the point that I can say without hyperbole that I made better movies. In junior film school. In the sixth grade. We filmed on VHS and used versions of Adobe products whose EULA's could be found written on cave walls.
He's the kind of creator where the movie about a coked up genocidal AI with a tiger fetish is the more coherent story. You could write 5000 words on the first ten minutes of one of his movies, and a thousand of them would be variations on "WHAT?!", "Why?!" and "How?!". He managed to throw a twist ending into his own credits because of his random lunacy. Oh but don't believe for a second he's not completely full of himself. If Kanye West is on his own dick, Neil Breen is spitroasting himself. His movies are a temple to his high opinion to himself and his messianic political messages. His insane, insane politics.
I'm still obviously working on getting these done, but consider this the introduction for Hallow-Breen. From now until the end of the month, I'm going to be working to get as many of these reviewed as possible. They're of course going to be of considerable length too, because Jesus Christ there's a lot to talk about!
Where does one start with a Neil Breen movie? That's not a rhetorical device, its legitimately puzzling. He's the second coming of Ed Wood, casting aside all the false prophets who have been annointed with that title. He fails on every level as a filmmaker, writer, actor and more. His movies are so incoherent the blurbs on Amazon are desperate cries for help by copy writers.
"HELP"
Neil Breen is what happens when you take Tommy Wiseau, give him a messiah complex and then beat him about the head with a two by four. He's quite possibly an alien fugitive hiding from creditors trying to blend in by making your human movies and failing at both. He's the kind of filmmaker where I have to explain SAG nudity rules to explain why all his movies turn into CFNM. His technical skills are non existant, to the point that I can say without hyperbole that I made better movies. In junior film school. In the sixth grade. We filmed on VHS and used versions of Adobe products whose EULA's could be found written on cave walls.
He's the kind of creator where the movie about a coked up genocidal AI with a tiger fetish is the more coherent story. You could write 5000 words on the first ten minutes of one of his movies, and a thousand of them would be variations on "WHAT?!", "Why?!" and "How?!". He managed to throw a twist ending into his own credits because of his random lunacy. Oh but don't believe for a second he's not completely full of himself. If Kanye West is on his own dick, Neil Breen is spitroasting himself. His movies are a temple to his high opinion to himself and his messianic political messages. His insane, insane politics.
I'm still obviously working on getting these done, but consider this the introduction for Hallow-Breen. From now until the end of the month, I'm going to be working to get as many of these reviewed as possible. They're of course going to be of considerable length too, because Jesus Christ there's a lot to talk about!
As an atheist, I say this without even a hint of irony or sarcasm: May the Lord God Almighty have mercy on your soul.
There is no God and so there is no mercy nor salvation for us on this Hallow-Breen.
- Location
- Denmark
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I am no atheist, but it would be cruelty to the divine to invoke God in conjunction with this.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
- Location
- North of England
- Pronouns
- She/They
Having never heard of Neils Breen before now I'm honestly a bit frightened of what is to come.
CompassJimbo
Where’s Your North?
- Location
- The former Rubber Capital of the World
But god is Neil Breen.
all fictions
I hate you! (it's not against the rules!)
- Location
- Mons Regius
- Pronouns
- He/Him
As the wise Dante Alighieri once said:
Breen movies are a wild ride. Without spoiling them because I want to see Athene go through them and expose their insanity, the movie closest in tone to them would be Zardoz. As in, the movie infamous for its "the penis is evil" quote, and the director admitting that he was doing so much drugs back then he has no idea what some parts of the movie are about.
Neil Breen's films are like that.
Ellimist system
Newly cracked system full of traumatized yahoos.
- Location
- Floating on a rock with my headmates.
- Pronouns
- She/Her/Other
The eyes are inside! Eyes on the inside and the dream is Breen. The architect, the dreamer, The Breen! I have seen it, with seeker and love till my mind rot filled me completely, till my reality stretched in to a red dot of Tigers swirling, whirling, spinning to infinity. THE BREEEEEEEN. ALL FEAR THE BREEN. The dead god has inhabited my soul and taken root in my gums with laptops spread wide in a ocular grin.
Breeeeeen.
BREEEN.
BRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNN.
Did you know that every species has their own version of Breen? Yes, it is one of the great mysteries of the universe. We Earthers, for instance, call it Swedish Meatballs.
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Having already heard of Neils Breen I'm also a bit frightened of what is to come.
CompassJimbo
Where’s Your North?
- Location
- The former Rubber Capital of the World
While most reviewers I've seen who've reviewed Breen were morbidly fascinated with him, Athene appears ready to tear into the man. I'm actually anticipating it.
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Fateful Findings, a stream of consciousness review.
Part I.
Fateful Findings begins in a U-Store It and dollies towards an old book in the hallway while ominous music plays. It gets less coherent from there. This is the high point of the plot. But no time, because we quickly zoom to some kids in Flagstaff as they find a mysterious box under some Mushrooms, releasing a spirit.
"It's a Magical Day!" says the girl, as they dump some gemstones in a box that appeared under it. "It's a Magical Day!" she writes in her Journal. "Its a Magical Day!" she repeats. The Mushroom reappears. I suspect the consumption of Mushrooms played a definite part.
Oh no though, the girl and her parents are leaving in a car, moving away forever. They're taking a plane so what are they going to do with their car?! No time for thinking, this is a Neil Breen movie and it moves beyond the speed of thought! The girl stands in the window of the car, waving her hand back at her friend. Her parents slowly creep the car away as a rip off of My Heart Will Go On plays on a Casio Keyboard. They're both waving now, manically, like a man on cocaine trying to hail a cab. The kid begins spasming, he either needs a doctor or acting lessons. His pain is over though, he's out of this movie. Neil Breen never learned how to match cut, so it cuts to him walking. He's calling his wife. He never learned how to fake a phone ringing, so she just suddenly picks it up and starts talking to it. Maybe she's also been eating mushrooms. It cuts back to Neil Breen, he's starting to walk again from the same place. And again. He's talking to his wife on the phone at what the movie assures us is an intersection but is really just the entry of an office park.
Then he's hit by a Rolls Royce.
Neil Breen is made of Mtn Dew Code Red Syrup and has splattered all over the grill of the car they need to return to the lot by 3. She bends down and tries to grab the weird black stone he got from the magic mushroom but a ghost farts on her hand and scares her away. He's teleported onto a gurney. They put an oxygen mask on him, the extent of Neil Breen's first aid knowledge, and wheel him away after making sure he has his phone. The bystanders walk by and stare at the syrup he left behind. The scene cuts before one of them bends over and licks it. Neil Breen is in the hospital now. A strofoam mold of a regular human being is on his head with an oxygen hose turned on. His wife and her scummy brother show up at the hospital. Her accent slips, she's from Eastern Europe somewhere. He's in a coma. They're giving him the best of medical care though, as he has two saline trips (DOUBLE SHOT) and 3 Oxygen tanks. There is also the ubiquitous laptop, keeping guard. A Nurse Doctor, Dr Nurse, comes in. Its the girl from his childhood, they beat us about the head with that but don't do anything with it yet.
A ghost farts through the window, he's brought back to life by it. Do we see his ballsack? Unfortunately yes. We see his ballsack. We are at Breencon 4: Ballsack. People have phone conversations in the Blue Sky Zone where all phone conversations take place. Shooting every conversation at once, with the camera aimed at the sky hoping you don't notice. That's Breenficiency.
"I have a ten thirty in the Fitty Zone after this"
He goes home and showers. He's sprayed blood all over the house. He's still wearing the foam headpiece. He is the Mummy's Curse. He's spraying blood all over the shower. His wife moves further beyond the Iron Curtain as she asks why he's not in hospital. Why are you making this poor woman try to do an American Accent?! She gets in the shower with him. He's spraying blood everywhere. Its an ugly shower anyway. "Help me" he says "Help me". To keep her calm, he makes sure to not show any emotion when saying his lines, only his ballsack. She begins making out with him fully clothed in the shower as he stands there fully nude. The SAG rules strike again. We are at Breencon 3. Be ready for anything.
"This is my fetish" she whispered before he passed out from blood loss and hit his head.
He's back in his office, working on "his next book" at his 5 laptops. She says he's fine while on the phone with the doctor and then he starts dumping laptops everywhere as he collapses. He argues with someone about a contract. "I have a damn Masters Degree in Computer Science!" he tells his, uh, whoever the fuck called him. Nothing seems to matter, the universe is cold and uncaring. The timer on the movie seems to crawl forward. Eat at Arby's.
He begins signing copies of his book. I own a modern big screen TV, and can see they are clearly copies of Bob Woodward's "The War Within". Fake dust jackets cost money, they were just letting anyone check out these books from the Library!
We cut to a subplot involving the brother in law getting drunk and fighting with his wife, a very ample breasted woman that Breen puts into see through outfits in every scene. You can pick her breasts out of a police lineup by the end of the movie. They apparently don't have sex anymore. Its been months.
"Where has this come from?" she contemptuously asks.
The fact that you haven't had sex in months lady. That's a huge problem for any relationship. Its coming from his presumably aching balls. He probably screams in pain when his phone is on vibrate! She says her back hurts (wear a bra, for the love of Christ) and that she has been very busy at The Bank. Their stepdaughter is listening and he yells that she should hear them argue. What a lovely use of screentime.
Meanwhile, Neil Breen is searching his non existent pockets for his pills. He keeps yelling "Where's my pills?". His wife goes to grab them and pockets a few before bringing them to him. He stares at them for a second.
"I don't need these!"
*throws them in the toilet*
*wife goes in after them*
I miss the natural human dialog of Tommy Wiseau. I miss a time when things mattered.
Meanwhile a ghost farts the cube thing into his hand and he's transported mentally to the Naked Trashbag Room. The room, somewhere in time and space that's always covered in trashbags while he sits around naked in it. Also known as a Breen Thursday.
"Where were you just then?" his wife asks, having been staring at him for an unknown length of time from a nearby chair. "I feel like something is inside of me" he replies. Flanged base Breen, flanged base. Be smart, be safe.
We're then smashed into a new scene at his psychotherapist, whose office is completely not conference room B at the Ramada Express.
"I congratulated you on your first book!" says Dr Jack Horkheimer
10: "Take these pills!"
20: "I feel less stable!"
30: GOTO 10
Then Neil Breen has a nice cup of coffee.
Jim, the brother in law, meanwhile is drunk on the two empty bottles of beer they had for every drinking scene. He's cleaning the Ferrari that totally belongs to him in the garage he clearly owns. Amy arrives, they fight and she throws paper towels at him. What a relationship. Then she's on the phone with Breen's wife getting invited to dinner. Then there's a dinner party. They're having a conversation about his recovery. The daughter Aly says she can't wait until dinner. There is no food on the table. Jim knocks his beer over on his full plate of bread, that appeared out of nowhere, and asks for wine. We never find out if he gets it, sd they're talking about Aly's schooling and a project on elephants. Aly storms out. Now he's throwing stuff around saying he's never going to get his book done. He's talking about how he's going to continue hacking into everything to expose national and international corruption. I'm writing this at the speed its happening. We're rocketing through scenes on a Rocket Toboggan, there are no brakes or drogue chutes. Valhalla.
We've cut to Jim and his wife Amy in bed. She's face down in the pillow because he can't make her do nudity but side boob doesn't count. Jim is also face down, I guess they assumed it would be less weird if they both did it. I can clearly see that its the same bed as Neil Breen sleeps in. I begin to suspect they're running this house like a nuclear submarine and sharing berths. Jim asks if they can talk more. She ignores him. Jim looks sad. This is twice as long as the entire scene about Neil Breen slapping his keyboard randomly to hack into every file. All the files. So many files. The kind of files you need 4+1 Laptops for.
The movie lurches into his wife asking for pills from his Doctor, then it grinds its gears into him in the totally not a conferance room arguing with his doctor again.
10: "Take these pills!"
20: "I feel less stable!"
30: GOTO 10
THEN WE ROCKET INTO A NEW SCENE with him yelling at his wife about her pill addiction. Establishing shots are for pussies, natural scene traditions are for men of lesser vision. Breen edits like he makes love: Sudden hard shifts broken up by lurching and confusion. When she says she never intended it to turn out this way, only a rank amateur would establish what is wrong! She's taking pills for pain and stress. What pain? Fuck you, that's what pain and before you ask, fuck you, that's what stress! Neil Breen makes sure to get in plenty of I statements like "I told you this was going to drive us apart." Tell don't show! In fact, forget the tell!
We cut back to the Laptop Writing Room for one second. Why? No reason needed! Suddenly they're not fighting and he's mashing his fingers against the same five keys.
"I got to get this work done" he tells her as she talks on the phone. I wonder if I just had a stroke. She throws the phone down and complains about how she hates everyone at work.
"I got to get this work done" he says "It's going to shock the world" He's hacked into all the information he needs and brags they have no idea. Its going to change the world as we know it! When I have a secret of this magnitude, I like to tell a drug addicted person who I'm having relationship problems with. Live dangerously and also stupidly, that's my motto!
"They have no idea" he brags again.
"THE BANK IS FAAIILLING" she wails. "Pills help..." She tells him stronger pills are needed.
"ITS A CRUTCH" he yells, trying to keep all human and alien emotion out of his voice. "GET OFF THE PILLS, STRAIGHTEN YOUR LIFE OUT." Neil Breen is using the very successful 'Berate someone until they break' technique but alas, she responds by blaming him. "Don't turn away!" he pleads in the same voice you would use to order something from a drive-thru with a bad speakerbox. "Let's talk!" he yells. They hold hands.
SUDDENLY BACK IN THE OFFICE, she yells "I'M DONE TALKING!" His keyboard keeps typing after he lifts his hands from it. Breen has been doing Foley work this whole time. I am even more confused now by the fact that he doesn't understand how to do a cell phone ringing or a hundred other things. I knew how to do that! IN SIXTH GRADE.
But he's taking that as it being time to fuck and roughly grabs her near and begins catting it up.
He later pooped in her shoes
They tear each others clothes slightly as he throws things around randomly in between jump cuts. I guess clothes tear harder than he expected them to. They jump cut to a later time of day where she's had her clothes partially torn off down to above her boobs while he's wearing his shirt like a foreskin. We see their feet as their shirts come off and he presses up against her. Tender music plays as he rubs her shoulders, gives her grandma kisses and hugs her somewhat. What a sex scene.
But no time for love, he's cheating on his psychotherapist with a new one. His other doctor has a conference room for an office, she's trapped in the corner of his house. She's his Yoda, telling him about the power he's been given that is "In the wind". She warns him that "they" will hurt him because they want what he has. His powers are his forever.
You know what I look for in a psychotherapist? Someone to tell me I have magic powers but there's an all powerful and somewhat supernatural conspiracy after me. Really gets the healing going. Oh yeah and he looks in a mirror and walks away while the reflection stays behind. Why? Because he just found out about split screening and this shit is BANANAS DOG.
Meanwhile back in the padding, Jim walks in and Amy immediately yells SORRY at him. This is also known as a Canadian Hello. They have a fight over who's more sorry and pathetic. She yells that she's beyond that now and he goes to go masturbate in the garage. Sorry, sorry, "get some fresh air." Meanwhile a ghost enters Breen's house and begins doing some light filing. The closeup on their feet highlights the shit job someone did on the carpet in the hallway. Holmes on Homes would disapprove.
I mean just look at it.
Back in what I am charitably calling the main plot, he's copying parts of his old book into his new book when his wife walks in and sits on his lap. She tells him to come to bed because its late out. The window behind him indicates that its at least early Afternoon, so that's definitely fair. He tells her to go away, literally, because he needs to get his work done. Don't worry, it smash cuts after some typing to him saying he's sorry, and in response she accuses him of having an affair. How rude! Its not like he would ever be consummating an affair while you commit suicide with pills, which is completely not a thing and I just totally brought that up at random!
He tells her he hasn't told her the Truth: He hasn't been writing another novel, he's been hacking. Hacking into the secrets. Government and corporate, all over the world. He's going to expose them all, and nobody knows he's doing it, drug addicted person who thinks that I'm having an affair, so don't tell anyone!
We zip back to the trashbag room. The big book is in there. Breen is also in there. Naked. Naked and reading the book. Ominous music plays. The camera man has problems with zooming and panning at the same time, it moves in fits. There is nothing now, only Breen.
"So do you come here often?"
But haha, enough of the spoopy room, its time for a BBQ! His wife is massaging various precooked foods on the grill as we see his dirty ass pool in the background. Oh and his wifes breasts. But seriously, this pool is nasty. He dubs a party ambiance track in. I have so many questions. The party exists for Jim to be drunk and to reintroduce Leah, the actual love interest for the movie. She has a fiance, who will vanish from the movie when necessary. Leah drops her notebook that says "WHAT A MAGICAL DAY" allowing him to know its her. She says she didn't know it was him earlier, because he had his face covered and she never thought to check his chart. She's an amazing Nurse Doctor. The best. She thought he was in there for a colonoscopy.
He brags to people at the party that he's known her since she was 8 years old. Given that he clearly looks at minimum 20 years older than her, either she's been accelerated to a fraction of the speed of light or he's been sneaking peeks in the Ark of the Covenant. The party is a hit though, as people enjoy not eating food and waving around their buns with nothing in them. It probably makes his wife nostalgic for the Nothing Burgers they would have in Soviet Polmania. I'm not trying to be mean, but when you force someone with a weird indistinct accent to try to do an American accent she can't maintain, its noticeable. If she had just used her native accent it wouldn't be half as distracting. You cast her so you can be handsy with a model who's desperate for roles and will work for scale.
Anyway, Jim drunkenly ruins the party but it smash cuts into them all enjoying the Party as it ends. Conflict resolved I guess! He creeps on Leah and whispers a creepy "Very glad to seeee youu" in her ear before getting handsy. The movie then smashes into a bland rip off of Fast Times At Ridgemont High, only its a presumably underage girl trying to seduce Neil Breen with her topless back. She later tries to seduce him with a bubblebath. Its very gross, especially the carpeted bathroom. The underage creeping is bad, but good lord, you're putting telemarketing call center carpet in a bathroom?! He tells her to stop then yells at his wife about it. Its apparently her fault for letting her use the pool?! His acting has hit critical mass. He sounds like Microsoft Bob trying to get a refund on dry cleaning from a person that does not speak English. Louder and slower, that's the way to act.
We are at Breencon 2. There is no Dana, only BREEN.
She calls her, fuck, I guess its her sister? I can't help but feel I missed something on the fifth viewing but suspect I might now have. She's sitting on a couch, we recognize it from the reflection in the mirror earlier, which was in the therapists office. So outside of the frame is a tiny, old lady therapist hunkered up in the opposite corner. She sleeps in a box until she's needed.
I can't decide between a kidnapping joke and a reference to draping yourself in velvet.
Oh and Amy shoots Jim. Drunken argument, escalates, yada yada gun, bang, dead. GG. Shooting him in the face, the bullet hits him in the back of the head. She must have curved the bullets Wanted style or some shit. She starts yelling that he committed suicide while swearing her step-daughter to secrecy. As Jim thoughtfully bleeds to death on a drop cloth over plastic, thus preventing him from spilling any blood anywhere it can't be cleaned up, Neil Breen arrives and delivers his Oscar worthy speech to his dead friend.
"Why did you shoot yourself in the back of the head from 20 feet away Jim?! WHY?!".
It is with that clip, I must leave you until tomorrow, when we finally find out just what the fuck the fateful findings are. PS, we're only 50 minutes in and the main plot hasn't really kicked off yet. You're welcome.
Part I.
Fateful Findings begins in a U-Store It and dollies towards an old book in the hallway while ominous music plays. It gets less coherent from there. This is the high point of the plot. But no time, because we quickly zoom to some kids in Flagstaff as they find a mysterious box under some Mushrooms, releasing a spirit.
"It's a Magical Day!" says the girl, as they dump some gemstones in a box that appeared under it. "It's a Magical Day!" she writes in her Journal. "Its a Magical Day!" she repeats. The Mushroom reappears. I suspect the consumption of Mushrooms played a definite part.
Oh no though, the girl and her parents are leaving in a car, moving away forever. They're taking a plane so what are they going to do with their car?! No time for thinking, this is a Neil Breen movie and it moves beyond the speed of thought! The girl stands in the window of the car, waving her hand back at her friend. Her parents slowly creep the car away as a rip off of My Heart Will Go On plays on a Casio Keyboard. They're both waving now, manically, like a man on cocaine trying to hail a cab. The kid begins spasming, he either needs a doctor or acting lessons. His pain is over though, he's out of this movie. Neil Breen never learned how to match cut, so it cuts to him walking. He's calling his wife. He never learned how to fake a phone ringing, so she just suddenly picks it up and starts talking to it. Maybe she's also been eating mushrooms. It cuts back to Neil Breen, he's starting to walk again from the same place. And again. He's talking to his wife on the phone at what the movie assures us is an intersection but is really just the entry of an office park.
Then he's hit by a Rolls Royce.
A ghost farts through the window, he's brought back to life by it. Do we see his ballsack? Unfortunately yes. We see his ballsack. We are at Breencon 4: Ballsack. People have phone conversations in the Blue Sky Zone where all phone conversations take place. Shooting every conversation at once, with the camera aimed at the sky hoping you don't notice. That's Breenficiency.
"I have a ten thirty in the Fitty Zone after this"
He goes home and showers. He's sprayed blood all over the house. He's still wearing the foam headpiece. He is the Mummy's Curse. He's spraying blood all over the shower. His wife moves further beyond the Iron Curtain as she asks why he's not in hospital. Why are you making this poor woman try to do an American Accent?! She gets in the shower with him. He's spraying blood everywhere. Its an ugly shower anyway. "Help me" he says "Help me". To keep her calm, he makes sure to not show any emotion when saying his lines, only his ballsack. She begins making out with him fully clothed in the shower as he stands there fully nude. The SAG rules strike again. We are at Breencon 3. Be ready for anything.
"This is my fetish" she whispered before he passed out from blood loss and hit his head.
He's back in his office, working on "his next book" at his 5 laptops. She says he's fine while on the phone with the doctor and then he starts dumping laptops everywhere as he collapses. He argues with someone about a contract. "I have a damn Masters Degree in Computer Science!" he tells his, uh, whoever the fuck called him. Nothing seems to matter, the universe is cold and uncaring. The timer on the movie seems to crawl forward. Eat at Arby's.
He begins signing copies of his book. I own a modern big screen TV, and can see they are clearly copies of Bob Woodward's "The War Within". Fake dust jackets cost money, they were just letting anyone check out these books from the Library!
We cut to a subplot involving the brother in law getting drunk and fighting with his wife, a very ample breasted woman that Breen puts into see through outfits in every scene. You can pick her breasts out of a police lineup by the end of the movie. They apparently don't have sex anymore. Its been months.
"Where has this come from?" she contemptuously asks.
The fact that you haven't had sex in months lady. That's a huge problem for any relationship. Its coming from his presumably aching balls. He probably screams in pain when his phone is on vibrate! She says her back hurts (wear a bra, for the love of Christ) and that she has been very busy at The Bank. Their stepdaughter is listening and he yells that she should hear them argue. What a lovely use of screentime.
Meanwhile, Neil Breen is searching his non existent pockets for his pills. He keeps yelling "Where's my pills?". His wife goes to grab them and pockets a few before bringing them to him. He stares at them for a second.
"I don't need these!"
*throws them in the toilet*
*wife goes in after them*
I miss the natural human dialog of Tommy Wiseau. I miss a time when things mattered.
Meanwhile a ghost farts the cube thing into his hand and he's transported mentally to the Naked Trashbag Room. The room, somewhere in time and space that's always covered in trashbags while he sits around naked in it. Also known as a Breen Thursday.
"Where were you just then?" his wife asks, having been staring at him for an unknown length of time from a nearby chair. "I feel like something is inside of me" he replies. Flanged base Breen, flanged base. Be smart, be safe.
We're then smashed into a new scene at his psychotherapist, whose office is completely not conference room B at the Ramada Express.
"I congratulated you on your first book!" says Dr Jack Horkheimer
10: "Take these pills!"
20: "I feel less stable!"
30: GOTO 10
Then Neil Breen has a nice cup of coffee.
Jim, the brother in law, meanwhile is drunk on the two empty bottles of beer they had for every drinking scene. He's cleaning the Ferrari that totally belongs to him in the garage he clearly owns. Amy arrives, they fight and she throws paper towels at him. What a relationship. Then she's on the phone with Breen's wife getting invited to dinner. Then there's a dinner party. They're having a conversation about his recovery. The daughter Aly says she can't wait until dinner. There is no food on the table. Jim knocks his beer over on his full plate of bread, that appeared out of nowhere, and asks for wine. We never find out if he gets it, sd they're talking about Aly's schooling and a project on elephants. Aly storms out. Now he's throwing stuff around saying he's never going to get his book done. He's talking about how he's going to continue hacking into everything to expose national and international corruption. I'm writing this at the speed its happening. We're rocketing through scenes on a Rocket Toboggan, there are no brakes or drogue chutes. Valhalla.
We've cut to Jim and his wife Amy in bed. She's face down in the pillow because he can't make her do nudity but side boob doesn't count. Jim is also face down, I guess they assumed it would be less weird if they both did it. I can clearly see that its the same bed as Neil Breen sleeps in. I begin to suspect they're running this house like a nuclear submarine and sharing berths. Jim asks if they can talk more. She ignores him. Jim looks sad. This is twice as long as the entire scene about Neil Breen slapping his keyboard randomly to hack into every file. All the files. So many files. The kind of files you need 4+1 Laptops for.
The movie lurches into his wife asking for pills from his Doctor, then it grinds its gears into him in the totally not a conferance room arguing with his doctor again.
10: "Take these pills!"
20: "I feel less stable!"
30: GOTO 10
THEN WE ROCKET INTO A NEW SCENE with him yelling at his wife about her pill addiction. Establishing shots are for pussies, natural scene traditions are for men of lesser vision. Breen edits like he makes love: Sudden hard shifts broken up by lurching and confusion. When she says she never intended it to turn out this way, only a rank amateur would establish what is wrong! She's taking pills for pain and stress. What pain? Fuck you, that's what pain and before you ask, fuck you, that's what stress! Neil Breen makes sure to get in plenty of I statements like "I told you this was going to drive us apart." Tell don't show! In fact, forget the tell!
We cut back to the Laptop Writing Room for one second. Why? No reason needed! Suddenly they're not fighting and he's mashing his fingers against the same five keys.
"I got to get this work done" he tells her as she talks on the phone. I wonder if I just had a stroke. She throws the phone down and complains about how she hates everyone at work.
"I got to get this work done" he says "It's going to shock the world" He's hacked into all the information he needs and brags they have no idea. Its going to change the world as we know it! When I have a secret of this magnitude, I like to tell a drug addicted person who I'm having relationship problems with. Live dangerously and also stupidly, that's my motto!
"They have no idea" he brags again.
"THE BANK IS FAAIILLING" she wails. "Pills help..." She tells him stronger pills are needed.
"ITS A CRUTCH" he yells, trying to keep all human and alien emotion out of his voice. "GET OFF THE PILLS, STRAIGHTEN YOUR LIFE OUT." Neil Breen is using the very successful 'Berate someone until they break' technique but alas, she responds by blaming him. "Don't turn away!" he pleads in the same voice you would use to order something from a drive-thru with a bad speakerbox. "Let's talk!" he yells. They hold hands.
SUDDENLY BACK IN THE OFFICE, she yells "I'M DONE TALKING!" His keyboard keeps typing after he lifts his hands from it. Breen has been doing Foley work this whole time. I am even more confused now by the fact that he doesn't understand how to do a cell phone ringing or a hundred other things. I knew how to do that! IN SIXTH GRADE.
But he's taking that as it being time to fuck and roughly grabs her near and begins catting it up.
He later pooped in her shoes
They tear each others clothes slightly as he throws things around randomly in between jump cuts. I guess clothes tear harder than he expected them to. They jump cut to a later time of day where she's had her clothes partially torn off down to above her boobs while he's wearing his shirt like a foreskin. We see their feet as their shirts come off and he presses up against her. Tender music plays as he rubs her shoulders, gives her grandma kisses and hugs her somewhat. What a sex scene.
But no time for love, he's cheating on his psychotherapist with a new one. His other doctor has a conference room for an office, she's trapped in the corner of his house. She's his Yoda, telling him about the power he's been given that is "In the wind". She warns him that "they" will hurt him because they want what he has. His powers are his forever.
You know what I look for in a psychotherapist? Someone to tell me I have magic powers but there's an all powerful and somewhat supernatural conspiracy after me. Really gets the healing going. Oh yeah and he looks in a mirror and walks away while the reflection stays behind. Why? Because he just found out about split screening and this shit is BANANAS DOG.
Meanwhile back in the padding, Jim walks in and Amy immediately yells SORRY at him. This is also known as a Canadian Hello. They have a fight over who's more sorry and pathetic. She yells that she's beyond that now and he goes to go masturbate in the garage. Sorry, sorry, "get some fresh air." Meanwhile a ghost enters Breen's house and begins doing some light filing. The closeup on their feet highlights the shit job someone did on the carpet in the hallway. Holmes on Homes would disapprove.
I mean just look at it.
Back in what I am charitably calling the main plot, he's copying parts of his old book into his new book when his wife walks in and sits on his lap. She tells him to come to bed because its late out. The window behind him indicates that its at least early Afternoon, so that's definitely fair. He tells her to go away, literally, because he needs to get his work done. Don't worry, it smash cuts after some typing to him saying he's sorry, and in response she accuses him of having an affair. How rude! Its not like he would ever be consummating an affair while you commit suicide with pills, which is completely not a thing and I just totally brought that up at random!
He tells her he hasn't told her the Truth: He hasn't been writing another novel, he's been hacking. Hacking into the secrets. Government and corporate, all over the world. He's going to expose them all, and nobody knows he's doing it, drug addicted person who thinks that I'm having an affair, so don't tell anyone!
We zip back to the trashbag room. The big book is in there. Breen is also in there. Naked. Naked and reading the book. Ominous music plays. The camera man has problems with zooming and panning at the same time, it moves in fits. There is nothing now, only Breen.
"So do you come here often?"
But haha, enough of the spoopy room, its time for a BBQ! His wife is massaging various precooked foods on the grill as we see his dirty ass pool in the background. Oh and his wifes breasts. But seriously, this pool is nasty. He dubs a party ambiance track in. I have so many questions. The party exists for Jim to be drunk and to reintroduce Leah, the actual love interest for the movie. She has a fiance, who will vanish from the movie when necessary. Leah drops her notebook that says "WHAT A MAGICAL DAY" allowing him to know its her. She says she didn't know it was him earlier, because he had his face covered and she never thought to check his chart. She's an amazing Nurse Doctor. The best. She thought he was in there for a colonoscopy.
He brags to people at the party that he's known her since she was 8 years old. Given that he clearly looks at minimum 20 years older than her, either she's been accelerated to a fraction of the speed of light or he's been sneaking peeks in the Ark of the Covenant. The party is a hit though, as people enjoy not eating food and waving around their buns with nothing in them. It probably makes his wife nostalgic for the Nothing Burgers they would have in Soviet Polmania. I'm not trying to be mean, but when you force someone with a weird indistinct accent to try to do an American accent she can't maintain, its noticeable. If she had just used her native accent it wouldn't be half as distracting. You cast her so you can be handsy with a model who's desperate for roles and will work for scale.
Anyway, Jim drunkenly ruins the party but it smash cuts into them all enjoying the Party as it ends. Conflict resolved I guess! He creeps on Leah and whispers a creepy "Very glad to seeee youu" in her ear before getting handsy. The movie then smashes into a bland rip off of Fast Times At Ridgemont High, only its a presumably underage girl trying to seduce Neil Breen with her topless back. She later tries to seduce him with a bubblebath. Its very gross, especially the carpeted bathroom. The underage creeping is bad, but good lord, you're putting telemarketing call center carpet in a bathroom?! He tells her to stop then yells at his wife about it. Its apparently her fault for letting her use the pool?! His acting has hit critical mass. He sounds like Microsoft Bob trying to get a refund on dry cleaning from a person that does not speak English. Louder and slower, that's the way to act.
We are at Breencon 2. There is no Dana, only BREEN.
She calls her, fuck, I guess its her sister? I can't help but feel I missed something on the fifth viewing but suspect I might now have. She's sitting on a couch, we recognize it from the reflection in the mirror earlier, which was in the therapists office. So outside of the frame is a tiny, old lady therapist hunkered up in the opposite corner. She sleeps in a box until she's needed.
I can't decide between a kidnapping joke and a reference to draping yourself in velvet.
"Why did you shoot yourself in the back of the head from 20 feet away Jim?! WHY?!".
It is with that clip, I must leave you until tomorrow, when we finally find out just what the fuck the fateful findings are. PS, we're only 50 minutes in and the main plot hasn't really kicked off yet. You're welcome.
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- Location
- Denmark
- Pronouns
- She/Her
what the fuck just happened
