I swear to God I've done a review of this movie before. Other people remember reading it. Nobody I've asked has been able to find it. Its maddening! No harm in doing it twice though, I should be able to do a better job this time regardless.
Disaster movies were huge in the 70s. Its a pretty simple formula, gather together as many stars as you can and have tragedy befall them. "Oh I recognize that guy...and now he's dead.". The genre produces a lot of laughable moments, because they never age well and rely on broad strokes characterization. Do you want to see Dean Martin try to pressure someone into an abortion? Go see Airport.
Enter Irwin Allen.
You might remember him from his more famous and successful disasters: Poseidon Adventure, Towering Inferno and the Lost in Space TV Show. Before the incredibly ill-advised sequel to Poseidon Adventure, he burned all good will with THE SWARM. In the 70s Killer Bees were all the rage and were hyped up as being ready to kill us any minute now. Its not the only killer bee movie or even the most ridiculous one, but good lord if its not my favorite.
Why? Because its fucking stupid and commits to it. Every second is riffable.
Michael Caine plays a combative etymologist and our hero. His job is to exposit about the bees, yell at people about bees and extend the movie via not allowing anyone to do anything. He entered the movie via strolling into a missile silo filled with bee victims and quickly takes command of the entire Anti-Bee fight. They never name it so I am going to be forced to call it Operation Honey Pot.
Richard Widmark plays the exasperated general who thinks he's in reality when he's dealing with some next level bee bullshit. He's there to be wrong about everything and do stupid bullshit. I feel for him though because this movie operates on the logic of an excitable kid making up bullshit. Henry Fonda plays a scientist that kills himself testing a bee-sting cure so that he won't have to be in the movie anymore. Its the smart move.
A lot of other famous people briefly show up to have their dignity weather the plot. You have to feel for them because they're all trying so hard but it gives it an Airplane! feel.
The plot is pretty boilerplate though. Bees wipe out airforce installation, government forms Operation Honeypot. Various officials plead with local small town mayor to evacuate the town but are you crazy, its the flower festival and the towns economy depends on it ! Bees kill many people, then come back and kill everyone with a train derailment. Bees blow up nuclear power plant, Occupy Houston. Government fights bees with flamethrowers and attack helicopters but loses. Hero saves the day by setting the entire Gulf of Mexico on fire with an oil spill, but warns this is the beginning.
We've heard it all a million times before right?
The bees are powered by bullshit. They can do whatever they need to keep the plot moving forward and develop new abilities faster than someone in a Trigger anime. The bees have stingers that can pierce protective materials. Their stings are more venomous than puffer fish and cause people to have acid trips about bees. They can identify poisons and avoid them. They can take down Helicopters, derail trains and cause nuclear powerplants to go critical. They literally occupy Houston for no actual discernible reason. They're doing everything for the sake of being dicks.
So all these very well known actors have to put on their serious face and say shit like this:
"We've been fighting a losing battle against the insects for fifteen years, but I never thought I'd see the final face-off in my lifetime. And I never dreamed, that it would turn out to be the bees. [Wistfully and distant] They've always been our friend. "
"Billions of dollars have been spent to make these nuclear plants safe. Fail-safe! The odds against anything going wrong are astronomical, Doctor!
"I appreciate that, Doctor. But let me ask you. In all your fail-safe techniques, is there a provision for an attack by killer bees?"
"Houston on fire. Will history blame me, or the bees? "
Well, I hate to point fingers but you have guys marching through town with flamethrowers firing at random things, so I'm pretty sure you. You know things have gotten out of control when they have to call in BEEWATCH.
When they hunt, they kill. They will burn their own to hold the BEE LINE. It is the LAST LINE TO HOLD.
*cough*
So 70s disaster movies are pretty mean spirited, Irwin Allens especially. Poseidon Adventure is about Gene Hackman playing a big old bag of dicks that got ordained as a minister as fate cruelly kills off innocent people. Towering Inferno took perverse glee in making sure Jennifer Jones bounced off the building when she fell to her death. That'll learn her for helping people! Father Hackman and his laughing god would approve! The Swarm puts them all to shame though.
The aforementioned nearby town with a flower festival? Oh you better believe that some of the first to die are a bunch of innocent school children. When they evacuate the town, the bees come back and derail the train they're on. We needed to see their kindly principal and the men trying to whoo her crash, explode and literally burn. I guess you shouldn't have have had the windows open when there were ASSHOLE BEES around.
Oh and as a flourish, the movie calls them just "Africans" to contrast them with the European loser bee. So you have characters running around yelling shit like this:
"By tomorrow there will be no more Africans... at least not in the Houston sector."
Amazing. You've done it again Stirling "This is actually my real name" Silliphant. This is the cherry on top of everything.
So if you can, get a bunch of friends together, get a six pack or whatever substance you prefer, and watch this movie. Its one of the most riffable, most ridiculous movies with this big a budget you'll see. Every second of this movie is mockable because everyone is trying real hard to make it work. We had a blast watching it again and if you get a chance, you will too.
So it occurs to me, @Athene, that there were two components to the Ludovico Technique. We've been focusing on movies, but I wonder if you might have a word or two to spare for the music of movies? The Crow or Last Action Hero soundtrack. The Superman or Conan themes. Surely Our Lady of Wisdom has some thoughts to share on the musical accompaniment to The Rocky Horror Picture Show!
My biological father was super into it, to the point of having all the traditions memorized despite his being not so progressive about gender non conforming people, figure that one out! But I've always loved it for probably obvious reasons. Its one of my favorite modern musical movies and the soundtrack is amazing.
And crawling on this planets face, some insects called the human race.
Try looking into that place where you dare not look. You'll find me there, staring back at you.
Dune is the classic story of the Sunni Muslims uniting behind the Mahdi to drive the Western imperialists, who desire their oil, out of Iraq in a violent Jihad.
I could talk that to death, I really could. Read Dune in the modern world and it has all the subtlety of a political cartoon. I reread it after Tank School and I was agape wondering how I didn't notice it.
"Am I Harkonnen or Atreides?"
That doesn't matter though, because I am going to talk about the first SciFi movie I ever watched. Well that's a lie. I actually saw Spaceballs first and it also blew my mind because I didn't know a single thing it was parodying and was 4. The age where breathing in space and Joan Rivers C3P0 is pretty reasonable really.
But, the first real time was Dune and it blew my little mind like I was travelling through the Stargate.
Dune operated under the principal of comic book movies. Take some talented indie director and give them the reigns of a big name blockbuster project. The person they chose was David Lynch, who turned down Return of the Jedi to make this movie instead. This is the single greatest reason to hope that alternate universes exist because I would give anything to see that Jedi fever dream.
It was a glorious disaster.
David Lynch couldn't do normal if his life depended on it. Twin Peaks was In Cold Blood while robotripping. You leave anything he makes wondering what the fuck happened. This is what happens when he makes a film about the Alphabet. You hired David Lynch and gave him a dense book considered by many to be unfilmable. Great minds crashed against its storm wall and found themselves broken. Jodorwsky used most of his budget in pre-production of a 14 hour movie and an entire decade of SciFi films were made from the scraps.
David Lynch did it though, and its easily the most love it or hate it movie in existence and I love every fucking second of it. Its problematic due to when it was made, its bizarre, its nonsensical, its unfaithful. It is a god damn masterpiece. I can quote it to you chapter and verse. I reference it all the time. It blasted open the doors of my perception to visual scifi by being so unique.
Its Dune!
Its so dense that even summaries bloat and the movie had to start with 3 seperate info dumps, but as short a summary as I can manage:
The planet Arrakis is home to the Spice Melange. The universal engine of human civilization. It prolongs life, increases intelligence, and allows Navigators to fold space. He who controls the spice, controls the universe. The emperor has given control of it to Duke Leto and his noble House Atreides from Calidan. It is of course a trap, a plan with plans to allow him to eliminate a threat to his rule by proxy. He will give the vile Baron Harkonnen legions of his Sardaukar terror troops to seal the deal, as the Baron has a well placed traitor inside. The house will fall but not for long.
He has a son, Paul. The penultimate product of a millennia long breeding program by the Bene Gesserit. His mother was to birth a girl but out of love to her Husband, gave him a son instead. Paul is the Kwisatch Haderach. The Mahdi to the local Muslim population of Dune. He will raise an army and destroy both the Baron and the Emperor, and seize control of the galaxy.
I told you.
Its hard to summarize down because there is a bazillion things going on its plot. Its dense as fuck. Lynch gets through this by tossing half the plot out, boiling things down and using insane film making cheats. What do you do when a lot of information in the book happens through internal monologue? Have the actors whisper it breathlessly as voice over. Who wouldn't think of that? What's that, nobody else really does that?
Well fuck you, the David Lynch train has no brakes.
This is a movie where everything is insane, the screen explodes with attention to insane detail and insanity is shoved into every corner. That's why you either love it or hate it: Its a big, insane movie. It has a sense of extreme, breathtaking scale. People just moving from point A to point B gets reverent, mind bending attention. Things are so far from normal that much like 5th Element, its never going to age because it was weird on day one. Patrick Stewart roaring into battle with a pug in his jacket. The entourage washing the floor before and after the Guild Navigator's throne tank. The Guild Navigator themselves. The ship designs. Sting in that eagle thong. The Emperor and his generals controlling the ships fixed guns with rotating motorcycle seats and handlebars rotating on a spoke. Hell, I was going to grab that as a gif and noticed this in the background:
I have seen this movie dozens of times and I still have a few questions. The details are so strange it makes the entire affair otherworldly. Spacing Guild agents barking into condenser mics that translate it into speech. A captured dude has to milk a cat every day to get an antidote to a poison and the cat is strapped inside a box with wires and cathodes running everywhere. There's a rat strapped to the side of the cat. Why? I literally don't know. However, such details fill every frame.
*Sounds of the baron cackling wildly while he floats around covered in pollution before bathing sexually in someones blood*
I saw this movie before any other scifi movie and I have to be thankful for that. I sat transfixed before the TV, as giant worms attacked pyramid space ships and dudes killed with sound. I had seen nothing like this before. It felt huge and wonderous and unpredictable. To me, SciFi is about wonder. Dune opened my mind. Its so filled with ideas and sights that they all come tumbling out. Things happen because that's how they happen. Its not for everyone and many people hate it, but Dune lives and breathes and presents a surreal future that only David Lynch understands.
If it clicks for you, its a sublime experience. Infinitely quotable, endlessly rewatchable. If it doesn't, well, I can accept that as I scan the frame for things I missed the first hundred times. I can and will talk about all the insane details if remotely prompted.
But seriously though, I want that David Lynch ROTJ.
Nah, it's fine (then again, am biased, as I also absolutely love the Lynch Dune - flawed though it may be as an adaptation, it's one hell of an enjoyable ride and there's so much energy in there that I found even the expository dialogue's never dull).
When I win the lottery, I will pay BRIAN BLESSED a million dollars to do this, just so I can make a gif of it. On second thought, I will pay him to punch an actual donkey, too.
Nah, it's fine (then again, am biased, as I also absolutely love the Lynch Dune - flawed though it may be as an adaptation, it's one hell of an enjoyable ride and there's so much energy in there that I found even the expository dialogue's never dull).
Hear hear! I loved the old movie Dune. There's so much shit going on, and none of it feels false, even the cheesier parts. It has a... mmm... consistently hallucinatory feel all the way through that carries it, making it so much fun to rewatch, and gives it a weird, fun vibe that far more earnest and well-funded films like the Star Wars prequels or NuTrek only wish they could match.
I was wondering if you'd had a chance to see Their Finest yet. It's a really great film about trying to make propoganda films during WWII, and has Bill Nighy as an aging ham, to great effect. One thing it does very well is capture the terror of the Blitz,a nd the casual nature of death at that time.
It's a glorious, and gloriously flawed, film. But if nothing else the sheer multi layered depth Lynch brought to the visual creation of the world makes it worthwhile.
It reminds me of those huge old Biblical epics Hollywood used to make in its lavishness, except made by David Lynch and thus absolutely bonkers.
It definitely made me want to read the books. Everything in it seemed like it'd be really engaging if it had time to properly build up to all of it instead of just rushing through it like "now he's trained an army, also his baby sister is magic, now he's reuniting with Patrick Stewart, now he's taming a worm, alright now it's the climax."
I have to admit, sometimes I listen to the "big battle" track and imagine myself riding a sandworm whilst it bellows out and hits the top of that crescendo, arrogantly crushing everyone in my path with a gigantic worm during a colossal storm and nuclear explosions.
I'm occasionally curious if that has any pertinent meaning for me.
I have to admit, sometimes I listen to the "big battle" track and imagine myself riding a sandworm whilst it bellows out and hits the top of that crescendo, arrogantly crushing everyone in my path with a gigantic worm during a colossal storm and nuclear explosions.
I'm occasionally curious if that has any pertinent meaning for me.