I don't think even Lily's spooky regeneration juju would be enough to convince Kai's mom that she's good enough to live with ber daughter.
Funnily enough, I do think we've already seen Lily accomplish the criteria that makes Winter Wonderland tolerate people interacting with Kai, in that this is the first time Lily and Kai just, hung out:
You glance up to the clock, and with a groan, you pull yourself up to your feet. "Well, I'm going for lunch," you grin, the pain wrecking your body forgotten. That can wait. "See you in a few."
Stiffly, Kai stands up. "I will be on the rooftop," there's a pause. "Training."
You blink. "You're not eating?"
Kai tilts her head at you. "I have eaten."
You frown. "When the fuck?"
"This morning," she tells you. "At home. Four in the morning."
"That's breakfast," you glance back to the clock. "And that's thirteen fucking hours ago."
"… Yes," a pause. "And yes."
You turn to stare at her.
She stares back.
You stare harder.
HamHamPangPang opened your eyes, and there's more out there than just bland, bitter rice gruel, that if you look up, you could see those sky-scraping buildings looming the Backstreets from the Nest, that you don't gotta live like that, diving into dumpsters of rotten food, and shitting water.
HamHamPangPang saved you.
—and Kai said she has never taken a bite of one, much less step foot inside the restaurant.
Fucking. Unbelievable.
Absolutely. Fucking. Horrifying.
"Welcome to HamHamPangPang, the Finest Sandwich in the City," the man behind the counter greets. "How can I help you?"
You look over the menu board. Meal packets, and deals – a couple weeks ago, you would've taken minutes to decide. Count the money inside your wallet, and calculate each, and every line of the menu. Consider what you can afford, and then consider about how you're going to stay alive the next couple weeks. Compared to other places, HamHamPangPang is cheap. Economic's the word they like to use, but it's still a bit above to what you could afford. Sure, you could order the cheapest in the menu, and they're still okay, but if you're gonna eat out, then you better eat out, yeah?
But now…
You grin. "I'll take the Porky Delights Package," you order, and the cashier taps at the computer. Perfectly toasted sliced bread as thick as two fingers, trapping a pair of golden-deep fried pork chop cutlets, crispy bitter lettuce, caramelized, and raw onion, thick bacon cuts, and a generous sprinkling of crispy pork-belly bits. All of it topped with your own choice of sauce. "With the honey mustard. Also I want the crispy mushrooms."
"Got it," the cashier nods, before turning to Kai. "And…" he trails off.
You glance to your side. Kai turns to you.
"The same as her," Kai says, after a moment. "With the super hype-ultra-mega-death spicy sauce."
You blink, and then stare at her.
"Uh," the cashier starts. "Are you sure? That's really spicy."
"I am sure."
You turn back to the cashier, narrowing your eyes. "Change my sauce to that."
"Uh… okay," he mumbles, tapping. "And um. Drinks?"
"Iced tea," you say.
"Lemon tea."
The cashier smiles. "… Iced?"
Kai shakes her head. "Hot."
You turn again to Kai, staring. She stares back, face blank as ever.
Pain. It burns. Everything burns. You look at the piece of wrapped toast between your hands through blurry vision. There's no flavor. There's only heat, and pain, and numb. Everything else is drowned away, gone. You can't taste the sweet caramelized onion, you can't even taste the well-seasoned crunchy pork cutlet. It's all gone. Gone. Gone like your taste buds. Like your face. Gone like your mouth, and lips, and tongue.
You're staring at the back of your own head.
Forcing your eyes away, you glare at Kai. She stares back, toasts between hands, a quarter gone. She looks fine.
Wiping your forehead with your sleeve, you don't back eye contact as you wrap the toasts back, and put it down on the tray. You'll eat that later. In private. Instead, you sip on your tea, and nibble on your fries, and crispy mushrooms. Kai takes another bite. No sweat at all.
What is she made of?
"It is delicious," Kai says, nodding. She takes a sip of her hot lemon tea, and does not blink. "Thank you."
"For what?" you frown.
"For inviting me."
Silence takes over the table, and you continue to pick at your own food – occasionally, taking bites at your own sandwich. It's growing on you. Ever so slightly. It sounds fucking weird even to you, but the pain is almost delicious in its own right.
Pairing it with hot tea is still absolutely insane though. She eats quietly, silently – efficiently, like a machine. What a weird, and odd girl. Does that come with the territory of having a high-grade Fixer for a mother? You're not sure, but –
[Empathy Check: Medium. Pass.]
She's not as odd as you first saw her. It's weird. You don't know really know the words for it. But you've been with her for two missions, fought her once, and… you don't know. And now you're inside a restaurant, eating lunch. Together. You don't really know why you invited her in the first place – like, sure, she's not having lunch, but why the fuck did – do you even give a goddamn shit for? It's none of your business. What, did you think she's suddenly gonna lag at her job, or shit? If lunch was her reason, then you woulda noticed sooner. She can take care of herself – and better than you, that's for fucking sure.
So why did you invite her?
And
this is the singular thread of Kai's interaction with her mom that wasn't recrimination and disappointment and smothering:
"… How is the food?"
Mother looked up from her bowl of mixed porridge, and to her. A nod. "It is edible."
Relief. "I see," Kai nodded back, before returning to her own bowl. It's red from chili. The heat from the microwave, and the spice warmed her body up. "I am glad."
"I see," Mother nodded. Fretfully, as Kai chewed some crunchy bits of rice that weren't completely cooked – she thought it added to the texture – she glanced up to Mother. Her pale blue eyes were focused elsewhere from her eyepatch. "Did one of them give you that ribbon?"
Kai's hand reaches to her neck – and stops an eighth way through the motion. "Yes," she said instead, placing her hand down. "Her name is Lily, she's a –" no, not a "—she's my Partner," Mother tilted her head slightly. "We work on Urban Myth jobs together."
"I see," Mother said, after a moment. A pause, then, as she took a spoonful of her now-cooling porridge. Kai copied the motion, chewing into the chicken breast.
"… That was not a request," Mother said, taking the jar away. Picking up the bowl, Mother brought it up to her lips, and tilted it back. When she brought it down, it was empty.
Compare and contrast Lily going out of her way to make sure Kai doesn't undereat, taking her to her favorite place and (competitively) trying out how she likes her food, with how Winter Wonderland horfs down her daughter's frankly wretched crimes against the culinary arts without complaint.
Sharing food is a symbol of companionship, especially in the way it's emphasized in PoGED and Lily's three most developed social links, and absolutely nothing else Lily is or has done would have more impact on Wonderland's willingness to let her associate with her daughter than the fact she pushes Kai to eat better.
Like, nothing conveys Wonderland is really interested in "Fixer Capability" as a quality, when the reason she's pulling Kai out of the Scarecrow Office is that she's hurting herself to be a better Fixer:
"It is delicious," Kai says, nodding. She takes a sip of her hot lemon tea, and does not blink. "Thank you."
"For what?" you frown.
"For inviting me."
"I wouldn't have to if you ate more," you point out.
Kai blinks. "I am."
"No, like," you shake your head, scowling. "You said you only ate breakfast until now – you got money, don't cha?" your face darkens. Unless that's just an excuse to look down on ya. "Unless you lied."
"I did not lie," Kai shakes her head. "And I am eating fine," she continues, placing the sandwich down. There's a pause. "I have a diet that I'm following."
You furrow your brows. "Diet?"
"… A meal plan," she explains.
"I also have a meal plan," you say. "Breakfast, lunch, and dinner," you pick at your fries, chomping into it. "Specifically, lunch."
"Breakfast was enough, and I am not going out for a mission. There is nothing wrong with my meal plan," she frowns. Defensive, for once. You snort despite yourself. She frowns harder. "I am also saving up for something."
"For," you drawl. "Something."
She nods, and her finger brushes over her eyepatch.
The conversation back in the Office, with Mori, comes back to you.
"Huh."
"I see," Mother said, after a moment. A pause, then, as she took a spoonful of her now-cooling porridge. Kai copied the motion, chewing into the chicken breast. "Your eye –" Kai stilled. There it was. "What happened to it?"
"I was wounded during my first mission," Kai admitted, eyeing the table. "One of our clients became a Distortion – " his name was Aki; couldn't be any older than ten. A kid even to her. "And caught me off guard."
"Will it heal?"
She couldn't look away from the table. "No."
There was a tap on the table; of something being placed down, and it entered the edge of her vision. And that made her look up. "You lied," Mother simply noted, and Kai felt her heart caught in her throat. There, on the table, a small jar: inside, her eye stared back. "I hunted the man who did the procedure – he will not do such a thing again – and retrieved this back. Why did you do it?" Kai couldn't find an answer. "Your eyes were – are beautiful."
To be fair with Kai's mom, it was more the fact that of all that Kai could've chosen as augmentation, she chose self-mutilation when it doesn't have to be self-mutilation.
(As an aside, wow, I just realized Kai was doing her equivalent to the
Extreme/
Turtling diet plan that week, wild)
It's a noticeable and very deliberate contrast to Kai herself, who defines their relationship as a career lodestone and personal weakness who has to redeem the inconvenience of her life by any means, and clearly, the fact that mother and daughter can't communicate their fundamental standpoints on this matter is why they're at odds.
Silence. Dead, and quiet. Her eye couldn't leave the spherical thing floating inside the liquid jar. Then – "Quit Scarecrow Office," Kai started, snapping her head up. Mother stared back, the inevitable force of Winter behind her eyes. "Join my Office instead."
"… No."
"No? Why?"
Because, Kai couldn's say, her throat tightening – because she's a burden, a dead weight. Because she's a disaster, a mistake, and a failure. Because she would drag Mother down – because she had already dragged her down for nine months. Because the more she knew, the worse, because people would go after her more than they already did all for the chance to gain Mother's weakness. Because because because –
Because she's not good enough. Not good enough to stand by her side, not even good enough to even stand under her.
Kai shook her head. "No."
"… That was not a request," Mother said, taking the jar away. Picking up the bowl, Mother brought it up to her lips, and tilted it back. When she brought it down, it was empty. She stood up. "I will come again three weeks from now, on the same day, and you will not have a choice in this matter."
Kai kept her eyes on the table. She couldn't move. Could barely breathe. She heard rustling, and movement – and then, a click, as Mother left her apartment.
Kai brought her hand up to her neck and closed her eyes. After a minute, she opened them back up again, returning to her breakfast as though nothing had happened. She had work today. She needed to be at her top condition.
While the proverbial 'pretend like you didn't notice them go through the cookie jar and catch them in the fib' trick is more than a
little infantilizing and damaging to trust in any case, the actual
substance of Kai's refusal to join her mother's office is because she thinks she's worthless and doesn't deserve it, and won't even verbalize that or any other excuse to answer the "why", which is the real reason why Wonderland won't take no for an answer, regardless of whether she's fully aware of her daughter's self-loathing.
So, with that all said, could we really expect Lily
somehow going toe to toe with a near Color Fixer in two weeks to solve this dilemma? When the most realistic outcome of a serious fight is Winter Wonderland double freezing Lily to death, which would just hurt Kai, the unlikely alternative is Lily managing to seriously wound her mom, which would just hurt Kai, and the impossible miracle of her partner being a bad enough dude to convince her mom to yield...I mean, we're already seeing the beginnings of what that'd make her feel, you know?
She stares at you. "… Why did I split it?"
You laugh bitterly. "Yeah, Kai, why? Or did you fucking forget about it – it was just fucking chump change for you, huh?"
"No," she shakes her head. "That is not – it's because you needed it," she whispers.
"And you don't," you continue the thought. Kai nods, quietly. "So it's fucking pity then," you spit, baring your teeth. You press your palm against your face, shoulders shaking. "I musta looked pretty fucking pathetic to you, huh? Look at this piss-poor weak-ass bitch from this low-ranked neighborhood, just fucking struggling to do shit all – that musta been how I looked to you, huh?!"
"No!" Kai shakes her head. She pulls her knees up to her chest. Sun – you blink – Kai shakes her head again. "That's not why. There's more."
"Then what is it?" you ask, clenching your jaws. Your throat hurts. "Why the fuck did you ask to split it? You could just have not," you continue. "I would've split it fairly, so why –"
"Because," Kai cuts you off, and you flinch. Her lone eye narrows at you, glaring. "Because you deserved it."
Your head buzzes.
"… What?" you quickly shake your head, recovering. Glaring back at her. "No, fuck off – don't you fucking bullshit me, Kai. I did fuck all," you sneer – how may did you take down? Fucking laughable three. How many did she? Big fat ten. Three times more than yours. "You did most of the work. If you're gonna speak up, then be fucking honest, or just don't."
"I am not bullshitting you," there's something about Kai saying 'bullshitting' that makes you laugh. Like watching some fucking kid saying their first bad word. She wraps her arms around her knees. "You deserved it."
"Fine then," you snort, sneering. "Tell me why I deserved it."
"… You took lead," Kai mutters. "You… you spoke out. Talked to the Client. Enter… humored him. Guided him. Forced him. Conversed with him. You decided where to go. Took the front. Knew where to go."
You roll your eyes. "Come on," you scoff, laughing. "You could've done the same shit."
"I could not," you stop, and stare. You look, and Kai glances away from you. "I could not. Without you, I would have – " she presses her face down to her knees, muffling her voice. "I could not. I am not Mother."
At least you have a mother – the thought intrudes from nowhere, and you immediately push it down. "Oh," you mumble. "… Why didn't you say so?"
You regret saying that almost immediately.
"I did not think it was –" she cuts herself off. There's a pause, and it's a long one. Silence comes, and it stays. "I apologize," she whispers, lifting her head slightly. Cold blue eye stares at you. "I should not – I should have explained myself."
You glance away, pulling your knees up to your chest. "… I never asked for an apology," you mumble, awkwardly.
"No, you did not," she shakes her head. "But I hurt you, however unintentional. I was careless. Always careless," she lets out, and you flinch. "You saw."
And that pushes him to the edge. "Raaggh!" roaring, he lunges at you –
[Red Ribbon Activates!]
"Lily!"
You turn around, just in time to catch a yellow blur speeding towards you. Makina, your mind immediately recognizes, shoulders hunched together, fists on her chin, glints of metal wrapped around her fingers –
[Lily's Defense against Two Elite(?) Rats! 8 + 4 (Endurance) = 12 vs 9 + 1 (Borrowed Experiencce) and 4 + 2 (Borrowed Experience) = 16 Damage. 16 – (12 + 4 (Armor Resist)) = 0 Damage Taken.]
Her fist lashes out, almost too quick for you to catch, and it hits your chin. You grunt, stepping back, blinking at the stars. Something else hits you from the back. Blake's hatchet, cutting across your spine – or trying to. You could hear – feel his frustration as he fails to cut into your outfit, but the impact's more than enough to snap you back. You grit your teeth as Makina continues her swings; jab, jab, jab, hook, and an uppercut. And as you block her fists, she kicks at you, toes digging into your side, snapping at your leg. She's trying to set the pace, forcing you to fall into her rhythm as Blake takes advantage of your opening. You can't let that. With a growl, you ignore the girl, and turn around, concentrating on Blake. She's fast, and disorienting, and a good hit in with proper force could be dangerous, but you also realize that her brass-knuckled fists don't hurt as much as the hatchets behind you.
That, and Kai's finally caught up.
Hearing the Rat's grunt from behind, you block the hatchet trying to split your head open and elbow the one trying to break your spine. Blake curses, steps back, and immediately jumps in – you bring your knockbar up, just in time to stop the twin hatchets from above. The impact, the shock travels through your body, your feet digging into the ground under the weight of his swing. If you didn't block it, that might leave you with some damage, but as it is… it leaves him hanging in the air, open for a brief moment, and you dig your foot into his guts. He grunts, and flies back into the air, recovering at the last moment, and lending on his legs.
Makina immediately appears to his side, the dress on her side torn open – a frozen dark-blue cut visible from it.
"I am sorry, I let her get away," Kai breathes out next to you. You glance to her, her pale – paler than usual – face staring back at you. "Are you okay?"
"I'm cool," you assure her. "Don't worry about it."
[Empathy: Partner Auto-Pass.]
It doesn't work. She'll worry about it.
"Well, shit."
Finishing your report to your colleagues, Mao concludes it with the same line of thought that has been echoing inside your head. Silence reigns over the room. Burke frowns, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling, while sitting opposite him, Mori lets out a deep and tired sigh, slouched over on his sofa, almost sliding to the floor. Behind his own desk, the Boss sits still as usual, and if there's any sign that he listened to what you just reported, he doesn't show it. Perched on the brim of his hat, the crow tilts its head left and right, eyeing you. Sitting next to you, Kai looks down on the floor, adding details and sharing her observations over your reporting.
It's still bugging her, you think, more than you thought she would. Not the Baya thing, no, but the other one.
Quietly, you bump your shoulder at her, and she twitches, a flash of… strange emotions flitting through her eyes.
You frown.
"Second thing," Mori continues, pulling himself slightly from his slouch. He frowns at the two of you. You suddenly straighten up. "You two went up and above, but the moment the client, this Brian, made things complicated, you should've pulled out."
You blink. "What?"
"I suppose it's our fault for not covering it in detail," Burke hums, turning an eye to you. "But the mission was get in, clean up, then get out. The moment he changed the mission statement into a matter of getting information, adding more into what's agreed upon, you should have returned to us. He got to us for protection, not information – if he wanted information, we would've directed him to the girls at Yellow Road."
You grimace. "It all ended the same way, right?"
Next to you, Kai hesitates. You blink, eyeing her. "… Yes," she eventually says, quietly.
[Empathy: Medium. Pass.]
Guilt? But why?
[Insight: Easy. Pass.]
It was her idea, wasn't it, to go along with the client's request?
[Endurance: Medium. Fail.]
Yeah, so? So did you.
[Ego: Medium. Pass.]
Does it matter? Don't say you didn't give the okay because she thought it was a good idea. You wanted to kill them from the start.
…It was… a good idea, wasn't it?
Kai has a lot to prove, and while her reaction to feeling inadequate isn't as violent as Lily's, it's still just as toxic, and the trauma double feature Week 3 inflicted on Kai is sure to mix with the deadline anxiety in new and exciting depths of internalized disgrace, which is why getting a non-work one on one next week to clear the air is all too important.
Honestly, I really think the keyword when it comes to this arc is in this tension, "Are Lily and Kai anything to each other if they're not Fixers of the Scarecrow Office?"
What is Kai to Lily? [Choose 1]
[] Colleague. Kai is your colleague. Co-worker. You don't want to say that you're both equal, because that's not true, but ultimately, she's just someone who you happen to be working with who also has the same Grade as you. She could be anybody else, and – yes, let's stick with that. Impersonal. Cool. Professional.
[] Partner. Kai is… is your partner. You work with her, and she works with you: a pair. You don't work at the same place, you work together. If there's a mission that requires, or at least, is recommended to have someone along with you, then that someone is her, and her someone is you. You have her back, and she has yours. That's how you see it, or at least, that's how you think you're seeing it. It's just – well, the question is if she also sees it that way.
[] Friend. No such thing.
[] "What Are We?". She wants to know where you both stand, but then, where do you stand with her? That's the most important thing, and whatever answer she gives, then… then that's probably what you two are. Colleague, or Partner, or… yeah.
Calling the Vote. Looks like you are both Partners -- or at least, that's how Lily sees it. More than just colleagues, but less than 'friends', though argually a lot more than just 'friends'. You've fought together, with and against, through life-threatening situations. That's not a bond that can be easily explained with words, but Partners come close, or maybe it's the only word that could explain it.
Simply said: you have her back, and she has yours. Inexplicably: you trust your life in her hands, and she trusts hers in yours.
This could be the start -- or the end of something.
We wouldn't be facing this conflict if the questers hadn't made the choice that started-or-ended the intangible
something between Lily and Kai, or more precisely, sunk in the 4 to 6 interaction slots that pushed them to this point by Week 2, and not just in the sense that Kai getting taken back to her mom's office wouldn't be in the least bit Lily's business, but just that Soothing probably would've saved this whole plotline for a later point, when it eventually ended up meaningful to Lily anyway or if it served a different purpose than the existential threat of severing an important bond before it had the chance to fully blossom–We regularly see, just by compare/contrast, how Soothing withholds plothooks, and their resulting pressure, until the quest chooses to engage with their related characters, such as when it was only when Lily chose to stay on with the Scarecrows that Mao's "Paper" scent came up, that leaving Sun hanging likely could've led to us not facing Distortion!Moon as the first month boss fight (in conjuncture to pushing for Moon's death, it could've led to the reverse honestly), Adil moving in probably wouldn't have happened as quickly if the apartment clearing event hadn't been voted, and notably we haven't seen much any drama with Mori and Burke because we haven't followed up on personal social time with them (please,
please let us hang out with Lily's dude seniors, they're fun), besides the slowburn tension between the former and Mao over Marco that we should
probably get both sides' take on.
This is just a long preamble to say that the hurdles we face are such as a dynamic response to how Lily has become invested in them, which is why it's important to pay attention to the narrative signposts for how we've been solving problems and how new issues have been building up with those methods. Case in point:
So what it is then? What are we? The question comes back again, repeating like a broken report. You're getting sick of it. What's Kai to you? It's there, right at the tip of your tongue. You just gotta say it. Make it real, and physical-like.
"Partners," you say, voice cracking. You grimace. "Fuck – I mean," you shove your hands even deeper. "Partners. We're partners."
"Partners," Kai says, besides you, eye focused still.
You quickly look away, focusing onto the road. "Yeah," you grunt back, gruff. "Partners," the word tastes weird even to you. "That's how I see it. We're a pair of rookies who got into the same Office and got into missions together, so I got your back, and you got mine. Partners," you repeat again, screwing your face up at the weird sensation.
"Partners," she says again, repeating the word. For the first time, she looks away, closing her eyes. You peek at her, and her lips move. Partners. Then she opens her eye, staring at you. There's something in her lips. "Okay."
"… Okay?"
She nods. There it is again, a tiny quirk to her lips. "Okay."
You look away, up towards the grey sky, and the wind blows at you, carrying that familiar stench of the Backstreets: death, and failure, and promises of violence –
Somewhere, up North, a Man in Black Mask crawls his way from District 8. His business here is done – but his business is not done. It will never be done.
And then, deep to the East of District 8, bordering to the ruinous District 9, a woman sits on her chair. Music surrounds her. Men, women, and children in white masks, laughing joyously. Lost, but now found. Deaf, but now hear. Under her own bony white mask, swallowing her own face, the woman smiles. Two people speak in front of her, speaking of the plan, and going-ons inside the City, witnesses of its many Lost and Abandoned Children, seeking for Guidance. She tells them to go. Aid them. Guide them. Bring them here. They nod, crawl, and disperse. The woman stands up then, and the attention locks on to her, and her giggle reverberates through them, and they shake with giddiness, and joy. She brings her hands up, and in one, a scythe of black notes, held like one would to a baton. "Come, everyone," the Conductor sings, and in her eyes, the face of a girl plasters itself over her Children's mask. "Let's play a little music together."
In an alley somewhere, a man hugs himself, sobbing, and crying. Then, he hears a Beautiful Voice.
—and the wind eventually dies down, leaving behind nothing but a shiver.
You look away from the sky, back to Kai. "Okay sounds okay."
[Insight Check: Hard. Pass.]
You'd never know what she thinks of you.
[Empathy Check: Hard. Pass.]
But then, you really don't gotta, do ya?
[Instinct Check: hard. Pass.]
Not now.
Maybe not ever.
Maybe one day.
But for now…
It's okay.
"It is okay."
"Okay."
"Ok –"
"Let's just get inside."
You swear you catch a ghost of a smile on her flat lips.
"Okay."
(I feel a painful amount about these two, but that's not the topic, so)
Case in point, Lily defines being "Partners" as being two rookies from the same office who have each other's backs, and they don't know anything more about each other, they might never find out what they really feel, but that's okay.
"It might not," Kai offers, and you return it with a nodding grunt. There's a pause, another turn, and another narrow road down to the edge of the complex. "… Are you okay, Lily?"
A shiver runs down your back. That's not a good question, is it. Never is. You frown, turning your head to her. This time, she doesn't glance away, an eye on you, and an eye on the street at the same time. You don't question how she does it with one eye – she just does. "I'm fine," you say, after a while.
"You don't look fine," Kai says, and you blink, furrowing your eyebrows. "… Yesterday, when you came in, you looked…" she pauses, searching for the word: "Down. And today, you look better, but…" she trails off.
You flinch. There's something in her voice there, that makes your skin itch, like a thousand needles prickling into you, sends your head buzzing. You shove your hands deeper, hunching, as you look away from her, down to the street – another turn, and that's the Karrion Bouquet in sight. Kai's eye drills into you. You click your tongue. "Why do you even give a fuck, anyway? It's none of – "
Her answer is immediate – the very first thing that comes to her mind long before you finished your response: "We're partners."
For less than half a second, your foot hangs in the air, stuck halfway into a step –
[Empathy Check: Trivial. Auto-Pass.]
You could hear the disappointment in her voice, for having to say that – the fear creeping underneath.
[Ego Check: Easy. Pass.]
And in you: shame. It's fucking awful.
– another less-than-half-a-second, and your foot touches the ground. "That's right," you mumble, shuffling awkwardly. "We are," and at that, you hear a soft sigh from Kai, almost inaudible. You shove your hands even deeper. "… Was I really that bad?"
"You," a look crosses her face. She glances away from you, now down the road. "You were not yourself."
"Fuck that supposed to mean?" you scoff, smirking despite yourself. Kai opens her mouth. "Y-ya don't gotta answer it," you stop her quickly, hurriedly. Kai blinks. "But it was just something dumb I did," you bull through. "That looking back on it, I shouldn't have. Dunno why I did it," you grumble, shrugging. No, you know why – you just can't say it, not even in your mind. "Habit, I guess," your eyes turn to the nearing boutique. "But point is: it left me in a shitty mood."
"Lily," it's just one word, and you reflexively stop. You both stand there side-by-side, facing the familiar decrepit and abandoned-looking Karrion Bouquet. "I cannot say I understand your trouble, but if you need help, I have your back. That was what you said, right?"
Your throat feels tight. "Y-yeah. Goes both ways, though," you remind her, rolling your shoulders. "But let's just get this over with, okay?" you mumble.
Kai nods.
"And Kai?" she tilts her head. "Thanks."
You look away, and back towards your – ah – partner. Kai. It has only been about half-a-week since you last saw her, but it somehow feels longer. She sits there, opposite of you, staring at her food – the same greaseball like on your plate. Steaming tea sitting besides them.
There's something wrong with her.
Kai, you muse, doesn't stare at her food – nah, you correct yourself. Kai stares. She stares a fucking lot – that's what makes her her, you guess. But she stares at objects, stares at them with intent, and focus. She doesn't stare like this – all gazy-like and shit.
It's funny, part of you think, you've known her for barely a month, and you already know this much about her little habits.
You wonder if it's the same with her.
You grimace. Yo, that's cringe as fuck.
Shaking your head, you start furrowing your eyebrows at her. "You're not gonna eat that?"
Kai twitches – barely. Her shoulders barely shift. She glances up at you. Single icy blue eye, looking lost. "I am still full," she says, after a moment, before pushing the plate your way. Off to the side, you could feel the cook's eyes narrowing into thin slits. Fuck him. She takes a sip of her tea, before going back staring, now at the empty spot of the table, stains of grease seeping from the plate visible.
"Sure," you say, shrugging. She nods quietly, the red ribbon around her neck wobbling slightly. You lick your lips, suddenly very aware of the same ribbon around your hair. "You alright?"
"Huh?" a blink – your partner looks back up at you. Properly, now, her eye locks in with you. There's another blink. "Ah," she intones, blankly. Her eye flicks away for a quick moment. "It's nothing."
"Don't seem like nothing."
Kai doesn't blink. "It's personal."
You flinch, eyes widening. A cough that nearly kills you as you try to swallow another bite of the greaseball at the same time. "Uh –" you quickly chug your soda. "Oh," you follow up. Her eye bores deep into you; sharp crystal blue. You look down at your food, clicking your tongue.
Partners – you repeat that word again. Partners. You're partners. Nothing less, nothing more. That's the boundary you've both set up. What's private stays private. She doesn't needle into your private shit, and you don't needle into hers. Unless it fucks with the job, you're not going to ask further.
And you could trust Kai not to fuck shit up.
"Just don't let it distract you from the damn mission, 'aight? Keep your head in the game."
[Empathy Check: Partner. Pass.]
You could take a random guess what that 'personal' is – it is the only personal thing she'd talk about.
Which makes it all the more important to remember where you both stand.
Kai bobs her head, a quiet 'hm' of a smile directed at you. "I will, Lily," she says, and you catch the relief there as her shoulders start to lower slightly. Her eye falls to her untouched plate of grease. "On a second thought, I am a little hungry."
You nod your head at her. "Go ahead, Kai."
She shoots you another smile. "Thank you."
For both, she doesn't say.
You try really really hard not to notice the disappointment in her eye.
… If she wants to tell you, she'll just have to tell you herself.
Well. You're never not up for the challenge.
Well, you think that, but you're pulling out fucking blanks at the moment – there's Mao but fuck you if you're gonna cook something for her. She's nice and all, butt you'd rather get the shit kicked out of you first. She'll never let you live it down. There's Kai, 'course, and Kai's good, yeah? That seems appropriate. You two have been working together for a while now, and more than that, you've been working well, and it wouldn't be awkward as all hell, and –
[Red Ribbon Activates!]
You feel a tingle – a tickling brush on the back of your neck, and you absently secure your loose ribbon back up. And she ain't gonna judge, you know that, however shit your cookin' might be – it would be a, well, it'd be a show of something, that you appreciate her and shit, that you think 'bout her and –
[Perk Activated: Partners.]
No. Fuck that noise – that mushy disgusting gross noise that only someone like Mao would spout, and so fuck Mao in particular for fillin' your head with this shit. You're just partners. Partners. Remember that. Partners. Sure, out there, in the field, you have her back, and she got yours – her life's in your hands, and yours in hers. You two… wouldn't die for each other, but she'd take a hit for you, as you would her.
[Endurance Check: Easy. Pass.]
And only because you can take it. You're a goddamn tank fortress. Hell yeah.
But that's common basic sense. It's just what it means to be partners, when you're out there on the field, where the success of the mission depends on either of you leaving the killing floor alive. The fucking point you're making is that you know shit all about her outside the Office, 'cept for some crap details like how her mom's a pretty bigshot Fixer, and she also don't know shit about you too outta the Office.
You ain't gonna be the first to fuck that shit up.
Uh. Shit. You haven't eaten breakfast, have you? And now you're starving. Groaning, you lean back into the sofa, fingers idling on the Red Ribbon around your hair. Kai's face pops into the front of your head – for some reason, it feels like forever you last seen her. You frown.
[Perk Activated: Partner.]
[Perk Activated: Red Ribbon.]
You're not – you're not fucking worried. She's going to be fine. Yeah, she's going to be fine. She's your damn partner, after all, and even if that means little when she's not actually working with you, you also know that she's damn strong, and she also got Mori, and Burke with her, not that she needs them, and also that Ran from Hana, and probably a buncha other scrubs.
… Honestly, you should be more worried about yourself.
The central thesis of what follows is that this is not, in fact, okay, they both want that
something more, that unstated...You know what, no, we know exactly what they want.
"Why did you split it?"
"What?"
"You heard me," you snap. "The reward – why did you split it? Sixty-forty, in my favor. You offered it. Why?"
She stares at you. "… Why did I split it?"
You laugh bitterly. "Yeah, Kai, why? Or did you fucking forget about it – it was just fucking chump change for you, huh?"
"No," she shakes her head. "That is not – it's because you needed it," she whispers.
"And you don't," you continue the thought. Kai nods, quietly. "So it's fucking pity then," you spit, baring your teeth. You press your palm against your face, shoulders shaking. "I musta looked pretty fucking pathetic to you, huh? Look at this piss-poor weak-ass bitch from this low-ranked neighborhood, just fucking struggling to do shit all – that musta been how I looked to you, huh?!"
"No!" Kai shakes her head. She pulls her knees up to her chest. Sun – you blink – Kai shakes her head again. "That's not why. There's more."
"Then what is it?" you ask, clenching your jaws. Your throat hurts. "Why the fuck did you ask to split it? You could just have not," you continue. "I would've split it fairly, so why –"
"Because," Kai cuts you off, and you flinch. Her lone eye narrows at you, glaring. "Because you deserved it."
Your head buzzes.
"… What?" you quickly shake your head, recovering. Glaring back at her. "No, fuck off – don't you fucking bullshit me, Kai. I did fuck all," you sneer – how may did you take down? Fucking laughable three. How many did she? Big fat ten. Three times more than yours. "You did most of the work. If you're gonna speak up, then be fucking honest, or just don't."
"I am not bullshitting you," there's something about Kai saying 'bullshitting' that makes you laugh. Like watching some fucking kid saying their first bad word. She wraps her arms around her knees. "You deserved it."
"Fine then," you snort, sneering. "Tell me why I deserved it."
"… You took lead," Kai mutters. "You… you spoke out. Talked to the Client. Enter… humored him. Guided him. Forced him. Conversed with him. You decided where to go. Took the front. Knew where to go."
You roll your eyes. "Come on," you scoff, laughing. "You could've done the same shit."
"I could not," you stop, and stare. You look, and Kai glances away from you. "I could not. Without you, I would have – " she presses her face down to her knees, muffling her voice. "I could not. I am not Mother."
At least you have a mother – the thought intrudes from nowhere, and you immediately push it down. "Oh," you mumble. "… Why didn't you say so?"
You regret saying that almost immediately.
"I did not think it was –" she cuts herself off. There's a pause, and it's a long one. Silence comes, and it stays. "I apologize," she whispers, lifting her head slightly. Cold blue eye stares at you. "I should not – I should have explained myself."
You glance away, pulling your knees up to your chest. "… I never asked for an apology," you mumble, awkwardly.
"No, you did not," she shakes her head. "But I hurt you, however unintentional. I was careless. Always careless," she lets out, and you flinch. "You saw."
You did: an audible crack echoes, and Kai tumbles through the dirt – you didn't think much about it, why she had looked away, taken her time to stare at a corpse when she wasn't done. Was that her being careless?
You remember feeling relief instead.
"… Yeah," you reply, and there's not much else you could say. You pull your knees up to your chest, almost snorting when you realize you're in a similar position as Kai. For a long moment, you don't say anything, and neither does Kai. You feel her eye on you, and for the first time, it doesn't bother you. You stare at the gap between you, and her instead. You beat her, but not square and fair. Not really. 'Course "square and fair" means fuck all, but not "square and fair" would've meant Kai not sheathing the blade of her sword, it would've meant perhaps pulling up her eyepatch. You got lucky, is what you're getting at.
It's still there, that gap.
But, you realize, it's not as large as you initially thought.
"Pride," you speak up, breaking the silence. You shift your head on your knees, meeting Kai's eye. "Pride's a privilege belonging only to the powerful. Not just pride too," you add, snorting. "Honor. Guilt. Ethics, morals, and values. They're chaffs, holding you down. They don't feed you, or make you stronger, or – you know," you tilt your head slightly. "If you wanna survive, you don't need 'em. You scavenge through the trash, and eat what you can. You steal from others; mug them, or just straight up kill them. Don't matter if they're also hungry, if they're also struggling – you're hungry too, and you're strugglin' too, and it's better you than them, yeah? Sure, it means you're no better than the next stray dog, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?" you shrug, smirking. You couldn't hold it for long. It's not funny. "There was even this one time," you recall, closing your eyes. "I got this neighbor. Middle aged woman. She was late on rent. Couldn't pay up – so one evenin', when she came back from work, Landlord Lin didn't let her in."
Smashing. Slamming. Screaming. Cursing.
"I was there," you continue. You're not sure why. To prove a point, maybe. That he could and would. Put that fear into you, and you reckon looking back on it, it worked pretty well. "Made sure that she wouldn't slip in with the other tenants. I watched her break down, from screaming, to begging at me. I could've done something, maybe, but I didn't," you mutter bitterly. "I was already on Landlord Lin's mercies, and I imagined myself standing on my neighbor's place," you shudder, chuckling.
"Lily, that is –"
You shake your head, cutting whatever she's about to say. "It's awful, yeah sure, but it wasn't the end of the world, yeah?" you smirk, and it falls again almost immediately. "It could've been worse. I'm kinda lucky," you admit. "Look, just lemme – I'm getting somewhere, alright?"
Kai lowers her head, chin on her knees. She nods quietly. Her eye, cold and blue, is much more expressive than you ever realized, focusing at you with full attention.
Guess you just noticed it now.
Your throat feels dry. This might be the longest you've talked. You didn't need to tell her this, or anything about you, but… fuck, it comes to that again. "I learned a lesson then, and I guess that's what Landlord Lin wanted me to learn. I was weak. Powerless. So I couldn't do shit, and if I did anyway, it would've been my head on the chopping board. But Landlord Lin's powerful. He could do shit. He's rich, and got connections, and – he could've let that woman in, and he wouldn't have lost a single Ahn off his pocket."
"Pride is –"
"—a privilege of the powerful," you nod, finishing the line. "And Landlord Lin got 'em in spades," you growl, grumbling under your breath. "… But just 'cause I'm weak, and shit; just 'cause I don't got 'em, don't mean I don't want 'em, yeah? It don't mean I don't feel them. S'why I got pissed at you. When ya offered to split the reward that way… I thought I was getting somewhere, but I'm not. I was wrong. I'm still in the same spot as before."
"That is not true."
You roll your eyes. "Fuck you know about that? Your mom's a fucking could-be Color, for fuck sake, and you're kitted out with all sorts of shit."
Kai does not say anything to that.
You snort. "But yeah," you grumble, slamming your face to your knees.
Ow.
"Why tell me this?"
You growl, feeling suddenly warm. "… Thought you deserved an explanation."
"Oh," there is a pause. "Thank you."
"Fuck off."
"Only one of us will sneak in. I will do it," Kai cuts you off. You blink in surprise. "Lily, you stay with Mister Wu. Guard him. This is still our job."
You open your mouth – her face is blank as ever, and at a glance, her eyes are as cold as they are empty. But there's something there. Something hard. Firm. Suddenly, you're back to that late afternoon of your first ever mission. My turn, was that what she said? And you were too… what? Too scared? Too something to stop her.
Atop a rooftop, a Fixer in garish red-and-purple uniform sat before a Fixer in white-and-blue uniform. In her eyes, the Fixer in red-and-purple saw something. It looked familiar, and the answer refuses to even touch the tip of her tongue. It was something soft, though, so she thought it can't possibly be a bad thing.
Now that Fixer in red-and-purple stands here, assaulted by the sensation that this has happened before.
You clam shut. Inhale through the nose. "Okay," you swallow, grimacing. "Fine."
Kai nods, and a word hangs between her lips.
Thanks.
This. This is what Lily and Kai want. Impromptu, rough, but honest, they confided in each other, and they want to
keep confiding in each other. That's why Lily constantly rams into 'we're just work partners who only have to feel shit when it's relevant to work' in her own damn head, she slapped a bandaging constraint on the raw wound of the intimacy she can't admit she wants, and if their relationship ends on this note it's gonna bleed out and scar real nasty like.
So, Lily, Kai, they have to rip the bandage off, and if they do, and manage to admit they actually just want to be around each other for its own sake, well...It's not like Kai sticking in the Scarecrow Office is the
only way forward, in that case–
"Just a heads-up," she smiles. You glare. She fidgets, looking away. "… It's far, the place I've found – that Chief Vale found, I mean," she corrects herself. "And it's going to be harder for us to meet. We might not…" she trails off, eyes almost pleading as she refuses to finish that sentence.
You exhale with a grunt, pulling your hands out of your pockets, and cross them together. She's not the only one – or rather, you're not the only trying to escape. "… Dunno what you want me to say," you point out, and Sun looks away. "Until Moon's taken care of, it's definitely safer that way, and…" you trail off. It's some pussy ass shit, to be haunted by memories, but you also know that it don't make it less haunting. "Yeah. Whatever. But don't fucking look down on me, Sun," she jumps at your voice, reflexively locking eyes with you. "If I wanna meet up, then we'll meet up – fuck the fucking distance, don't look down on me."
–Because when she can admit someone's her people, she'll go the distance.
This is the kind of plotline that, especially if it doesn't settle for being a first act arc and remains a continuous thread for a significant chunk of the quest's runtime, really can't be predicated from the base of the mountain, but I find myself fascinated with the idea of Kai's storyline being a more longterm Snow Queen allusion, where Winter Wonderland does take her back to her Fixer Office, but Lily determinedly stays in contact (which Wonderland probably doesn't interfere with, she just wants Kai safe, if non assassin social contacts make her happy, I don't think she'd be
that controlling), and
this line:
Because the more she knew, the worse, because people would go after her more than they already did all for the chance to gain Mother's weakness.
Becomes relevant when clowns with Hans Christian Andersen motifs start coming out of the woodworks to collect on that foreshadowing, and Lily backs up Kai as she goes Kill Bill on everyone who's tried to make her a bargaining chip against her mom, until either Wonderland's either 'okay, fine, I can see you're safer and happier with at least
one Scarecrow' and lets her go back, or Kai finally feels assured and self-confident about staying with her mom without weighing her down, I'm happy with whatever if Lily and Kai have a mutually satisfactory bond by the end of it.
Whelp, I can't claim anything I said from that last bit is the direction is where it'll go, but I feel much lighter to have excavated all the theory buildup I'd been dragging around these past few weeks, so I'm pretty content. Now, time to look forward to the horrible nightmare hellscape that is Yomi, and the vain hope Lily will have any mental health left over by the time we reach, everything else she has to live through.
TL;DR, if Lily managed to teach Kai how to fully cook rice with that shiny
Cooking: Rookie, Winter Wonderland would promptly rescind her objections to Kai staying in the Scarecrows and walk right back out the door.
