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Metastable

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I was hoping (and mostly expecting) it would be something like that. It's not like It's the first time her weird humour has come up. The chapter just made it feel a bit too… earnest(?) to really feel like (awkward) joking. I'm no wordsmith, so I'm not certain how to fix it or whether it even needs any fixing.

I'd like to know if that is an intentional chem-trails reference toward the end, though.
 
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torac said:
I'd like to know if that is an intentional chem-trails reference toward the end, though.
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Uh, do you mean this bit?
Tascion said:
I start explaining to Lisa about ant colonies and how they use chemical trails to generate macro behavioral patterns using simplistic mechanisms of tiny ant brains.
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That's actually how ants, and Taylor's units, work.

It would be very reasonable to expect Taylor's units to spread out like normal ants.
ptbptb said:
I'm sure she draws lots of art. Maybe you should be more concerned which what sort of art, Taylor. Also, SP probably wants to accept all sorts of things in all sorts of places, but we shouldn't speculate here.
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Yeah, ixnay on SP's personal interests. Also, it's just not all that relevant to Taylor. Taylor get the help she needed to learn about case 53s, and when she went to check out SP's art, the library filter software blocked the website.
 
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Yeah Taylor seems pretty overstimulated here, two people who are not her Dad, at once! I can believe she's overcompensating a little for a whole mess of reasons.
Especially since the last time one of her fr-acquaintances made a new friend Taylor ended up with some issues >_>

"What if they don't like each other
What if they DO like each other
What if they like each other more than they like me ok be funny and friendly and..."

I really liked Amy as an outside observer of what Lisa has been going through, normally I would consider Danny a straight man for cape hijinks, but everything about the kidnapping just goes right over the Hebert's heads apparently :p
Having two characters to side eye each other to show when Taylor is going off the wall adds a lot in my opinion.


Also, now Taylor figured out how to make flesh masks, and her stuff can bond to skin...so Goosebumps "The Haunted Mask" prank next Halloween anyone?
 
Tascion said:
That's actually how ants, and Taylor's units, work.
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I'm aware. That does not exclude an explanation of her units doubling as a reference to one of the most popular conspiracy theories. Given your response I take it Taylor did not mean it that way. If it was intended as a reference I would have suggested adding an explicit call-out anyway. (e.g. "And that is the real truth of chem-trails. One of the few things the internet gets wrong!")
 
torac said:
I'm aware. That does not exclude an explanation of her units doubling as a reference to one of the most popular conspiracy theories. Given your response I take it Taylor did not mean it that way. If it was intended as a reference I would have suggested adding an explicit call-out anyway. (e.g. "And that is the real truth of chem-trails. One of the few things the internet gets wrong!")
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Changes will be made. You make a convincing argument.
 
This chapter has an awful lot of comma splices, it's the kind of thing that can feel natural as you type, it kind of works for a stream of consciousness, it feels choppy and off-putting to read though.
 
I love this story, it is just far too adorable. You really manage to capture that child like attitude really well. Good work.
 
Tascion said:
nerves though and sick with just
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and stick
Tascion said:
and I use other hand to begin the
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use my
Tascion said:
days is only tinkering for me as i calibrate the relay connections
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I
Tascion said:
complete series rather than one disconnected one offs, and I
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some
Tascion said:
Eventually dad let's me get on with
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lets
 
LokiTheDarkGod said:
Considering PHO the SB/SV of that world isn't blocked I think it's more likely that it's not family friendly.
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Yeah... :)

SpecificProtagonist is a fun throwaway joke when the in story reader inducing rage of voidcowboy isn't called for.

IvanDead said:
70% sure that Taylor still would not understand why they were blocked if she saw the pictures, and 95% sure she would not understand what the pictures were.
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Taylor isn't quite that disconnected on things, it's just not something that occurs to her, at all.

Thozmp said:
This is my favorite line.
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Thanks. I am quite find of it as well. It's almost too silly, but I liked it too much to take it out.

jacobk said:
This chapter has an awful lot of comma splices, it's the kind of thing that can feel natural as you type, it kind of works for a stream of consciousness, it feels choppy and off-putting to read though.
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Look, I write the chapter, then load my commas up into my double barrel shotgun and distribute the commas throughout the newly written section. That's just how writing works.

More seriously, unless you're volunteering to provide an edited document, I'm already using the best grammar I got. I'll try to keep your suggestions in mind though.

Voxdeo said:
I love this story, it is just far too adorable. You really manage to capture that child like attitude really well. Good work.
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Thank you.

Tisaku said:
and stick
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Thank you for the writing corrections.
 
Tascion said:
Look, I write the chapter, then load my commas up into my double barrel shotgun and distribute the commas throughout the newly written section. That's just how writing works.

More seriously, unless you're volunteering to provide an edited document, I'm already using the best grammar I got. I'll try to keep your suggestions in mind though.
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I'm a big comma splicer myself. I honestly don't consider it wrong in dialogue. For big chunks of narration, though, it makes a big difference. I have had to get into the habit in my own writing of doing an editing pass that is solely intended to smoke out comma splices. It takes a little extra time, but I think it's worth it. I understand that reasonable people can disagree on the matter.

original said:
The next day at school is surprisingly non-awkward. Amy sits with me at lunch, and I also say hi to Vicky. I check with Amy, as delicately as I can manage, that she's still OK with being a backup for me if I screw up my plans. She is, and chuckles, non-maliciously, over how excited I am for my plans. I get through the rest of the day, barely managing to pay enough attention to the rest of my classes.

Once I'm home, I through my work as quickly as I can, and then begin preparing the infusion of relay connections for my left hand. I'll need to soak my hand for about 2 hours, and the connections will be fairly random. I'm going to try and limit use of pain nerves though and sick with just pressure, temperature, muscle, and similar nerves, as there are plenty of them.

I've got everything ready, well except parental oversight for my mad science. Parental oversight is lame, I've never hurt anyone or done drugs, I'm sufficiently responsible.
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desplice said:
The next day at school is surprisingly non-awkward. Amy sits with me at lunch and I also say hi to Vicky. I check with Amy, as delicately as I can manage, that she's still OK with being a backup for me if I screw up my plans. She is, and chuckles non-maliciously over how excited I am for my tinkering. I get through the rest of the day despite barely managing to pay enough attention to the rest of my classes.

Once I'm home I rush through my homework as quickly as I can and then begin preparing the infusion of relay connections for my left hand. I'll need to soak my hand for about 2 hours. The nerve connections will be fairly random, though I'm going to try and limit the use of pain nerves. I'd like to stick with just pressure, temperature, muscle, and similar nerves. There are plenty of them to go around.

I've got everything ready. Except parental oversight for my mad science. Parental oversight is lame, though. I've never hurt anyone or done drugs. I'm sufficiently responsible!
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jacobk said:
I'm a big comma splicer myself. I honestly don't consider it wrong in dialogue. For big chunks of narration, though, it makes a big difference. I have had to get into the habit in my own writing of doing an editing pass that is solely intended to smoke out comma splices. It takes a little extra time, but I think it's worth it. I understand that reasonable people can disagree on the matter.
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I agree that there are ways to improve my writing.

I may one day go back and edit Metastable, but for now, I'm going to be correcting what errors are pointed out to me, and stick to the more enjoyable parts of writing. This is more of a hobby for me and I want to keep it fun. Thank you for the edits you provided, I'll likely implement them

Speaking of something nearly totally unrelated, if anybody is interested, I made a Snippet's thread. It's got two posts at present.
 
Taylor's understanding of social cues in this chapter just too much of Armsmaster if he was a teenage girl.
 
So on one hand I like the plot so far. On the other... The diction feels off most of the time. The dialogue feels strangely stilted, and I keep finding myself reading the descriptive sentences in the same mental "tone" one reads the "see spot run" books; like each sentence is stand-alone and only tenuously connected to the surrounding sentences, rather than a cohesive whole.

I didn't notice this problem with Essence of Spirit, and to the best of my knowledge the difference is that Essence had a beta, so... Maybe consider looking for a beta for this?
 
DuManHeiu said:
I'm sill wondering what types of weapons she can create though, considering she's restricted to mostly plastics, that doesn't really make her too much of a threat right?
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Missed that.

Self-aiming, guided and simple missiles with high-explosive, thermobaric, incendiary and/or toxic payloads come to mind immediately. Variations of containment foam spray and regular grenades. Land-mines of various type (including anti-air ones).

Does it count as weapons?
 
permeakra said:
Missed that.

Self-aiming, guided and simple missiles with high-explosive, thermobaric, incendiary and/or toxic payloads come to mind immediately. Variations of containment foam spray and regular grenades. Land-mines of various type (including anti-air ones).

Does it count as weapons?
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.....what is this foreign feeling I need my chest?....... is this what people call...Love?
 
Jdude281 said:
Taylor's understanding of social cues in this chapter just too much of Armsmaster if he was a teenage girl.
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That is a hilarious analogy.

It's not something I could come up with, but it's bizarrely fitting.
LostDeviljho said:
So on one hand I like the plot so far. On the other... The diction feels off most of the time. The dialogue feels strangely stilted, and I keep finding myself reading the descriptive sentences in the same mental "tone" one reads the "see spot run" books; like each sentence is stand-alone and only tenuously connected to the surrounding sentences, rather than a cohesive whole.

I didn't notice this problem with Essence of Spirit, and to the best of my knowledge the difference is that Essence had a beta, so... Maybe consider looking for a beta for this?
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I agree.

I started writing Metastable for my own enjoyment, and intend to continue to do so.

AEoS is both for my own enjoyment and a homage to APfW. Due to the later aspect, I have made greater effort to 'clean up' my writing. I did not enjoy that process, though Noelemahc's entertaining pictures helped.

Metastable, in my own humble opinion, has some really clever ideas. It also though is written as depending on my mood. The early arcs really do suffer for that.

You reading AEoS first does do Metastable a disservice, as Metastable was written first, and is what I used to figure out how to write AEoS. Of course, I wouldn't expect you to know that.

I have no intention of getting a beta for Metastable. I know the story could be better with one, but I just don't like revisions. I did actually try having a beta for it a year or so back, and despite the care and effort from said beta, the revision process just sucked the fun out of writing.

Making minor corrections isn't that bad, but, like I mentioned previously, I won't be going through my whole work to fix the systemic comma errors.

If you don't want to stick with the story, I wouldn't blame you, and so I'm just trying to be upfront about what this story is, and it's structural faults.

I am glad you like the plot. The Tinker specialty was the start of this story, but the plot had really grown on me.
permeakra said:
Does it count as weapons?
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A better question is "What can Taylor build that she can't use as a weapon?"

Taylor doesn't want to be a violent terror to everyone around her, it's just a talent that she has.
DuManHeiu said:
.....what is this foreign feeling I need my chest?....... is this what people call...Love?
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Sounds like an incipient myocardiac infarction. Seek medical attention and then avoid similar instigating situations in the future.
;-)
 
Now that I think about it super asbestos is in her purview. Both in the insulating capacity and in the aerosolized cell shredding fibers.:p
 
@torac, @Tisaku, and @jacobk, thanks for the corrections.

Also, here's the updated section that now includes a thing about airplane chemtrails.
Amy is reassured and I start explaining to Lisa about ant colonies and how they use chemical trails to generate macro behavioral patterns using simplistic mechanisms of tiny ant brains. I figured she would understand how it was a reasonably accurate representation of my units as they functioned throughout the Bay. I mean, aside from ants being herbivores or carnivores.

Maybe it was more like airplane chemtrails? I try to rephrase my explanation to match a thing I read on the internet about how the chemtrails of airplanes are used as a sort of emergency backup for planes to follow each other to the nearest airport if communications failed.

Anyway, my units were more like plants, because they they gathered raw materials from the environment, and used the energetic materials to power the reactions to generate the polymers and catalysts that I used in my technology.
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