Life Ore Death
* January 16 [Ferris PoV]
I pulled back and sat upright again.
But still, his words had only stirred up my worries about whether Darkseid would find me, and what could happen then.
I shoved the thoughts away, until later, and returned to the topic at hand.
"If the Anti-Life Equation allows the user to dominate free will…?" I prompted leadingly.
"More specifically, in its entirety the Anti-Life Equation could allow the one using it total control over ever other living being in existence, and perhaps even over the entire rest of the universe," the Highfather elaborated. I balked at accepting that.
"How in the Empire would you possibly know about that?" I had to ask, because, "I can only imagine that either some other being already once gained the entire equation, or you are extrapolating with some uncertainty from prior observations into assumptions…?"
"As the first would be problematic, given what we just discussed and the question of how such a being would then not have the equation anymore if your initial hypothesis were wrong," the Highfather answered, "you suspect it to be the second. Or a third option…?"
I paused and considered it.
A moment later, I really wanted to dramatically face-palm as it hit me.
"You have given me the explanation that is given by higher beings, like the Endless, to mortals or New Gods who have asked them."
"Quite so. It is, however, born out by our observations of the effects of fragments of the Anti-Life Equation, and mathematical extrapolations of the Anti-Life Equation's effects from what we have seen of its fragments," the Highfather assured me.
"Mm." '
I still have only half of the story, however, even though he treats this like the entire thing in explaining it… I wonder how he will explain the other half, then.' "Will you please explain the Life Equation and its effects?" I requested, shoving away worries about those 'observations'.
"Certainly. Perhaps you would care to guess at its effects first, based on what you understand so far?" he offered.
I flattened my lips into a grim line and made a show of huffing a deep breath. "Given that it is not called the Anti-Anti-Life Equation, no, I do not want to bother guessing which axes of a large number of options they might oppose each other on," I answered humorlessly, "especially as I still do not know or accept the entire, stated explanation of the Anti-Life Equation in the first place. Please. Answer."
The other three present stirred slightly at my demand—Motherbox may have reacted as well, but I did not notice her doing so—but they stayed as they were without interfering. The Highfather blinked at me for a moment, and I almost enjoyed having caught him off-guard.
'
Assuming I actually caught him off-guard. It would be difficult to be too paranoid, although even his coming here suggests benevolence.'
"As you wish," he acceded. "If the Anti-Life Equation gives one total control over the entire rest of existence, then the Life Equation gives you total control over yourself, acting as a proof that life is worth living, with
hope and freedom having meaning and existing."
"The skaa's steps are clinking," I said immediately, not changing my facial expression as I made the accusation.
There was a pause.
"You smell a rat?" the Superman asked, eyeing our visitors carefully. "Do you think they're lying to you, now?"
"No," I dismissed, also waving my hands to demonstrate that I had splayed my fingers and
not made a thumb-in-my-fist, rescue-me signal.
"I do not have to be lying to be wrong," the Highfather finished.
"You do not," I agreed neutrally. '
Arrogant though it is to believe I know more about it than he does.' "Please, continue."
"As you wish. That really is most of the explanation of the Life Equation as far as you would understand it, at this moment. May I move on, and discuss the presence and effects of individual fragments, such as your own?"
"Please, do so," I instructed. He had come here thinking himself indebted to me, and I had no issue in using that, without abusing it.
"The fragments are… various. You might say that they are a mix themselves of two elements; half is the mental recognition and comprehension of part of a universal fundamental truth as the Equation in question describes it, and half is a large lump of appropriately polarized power in tune with the Equation in question. Both are required to truly
possess a fragment, and practice is often needed to use it."
"I see," I said slowly, examining the implications in my mind. "As such, my investiture from
Ruin is enough to qualify as polarized, and my philosophies or life experiences left me with an understanding of a part of it, you think?"
"A close enough explanation," he agreed, which was not good enough at all for me.
Echoes of nightmares howled in my skull. I looked up sharply, sneering at him in a surge of offense.
"Highfather, we are discussing my very essence, identity, soul, and Spirit-Web," I reprimanded him. "I would
greatly appreciatemore than a 'close enough' understanding of what the Rusts is happening to me, if you still insist on wishing to make things right!"
Images and imaginings poured back through my mind again: nightmares of the ephemeral hand of Apokolips plucking me away, of what had happened to others I read of in the Green Lantern's records, of my ending my life only for him to follow me through the Dreaming-
I had woken from a nightmare that morning, my hands shaking too badly to leave my bed for half an hour.
I would not be so mild-mannered about this.
"That-!" Orion began, and began to stand.
The Highfather almost certainly would have stopped him, but I beat him to it.
"Do not
dare!" I snarled at him. "This is serious enough that a Rusting group of New Gods attempted to assassinate me as a first response, and they may not be the only ones who will do so! My friends were injured in my defense, and I accept that, but if you, personally, believe in
Freedom and free will and that life is valuable and worth living, then I have the
right to know why my life was not worth living to
them!
"I understand the horrors of Apokolips enough," I continued vehemently. "I have felt the Forever People's understanding of it, and I have read a few of the Green Lanterns' records of the horror Apokolips inflicted on innocent people, and on enemies. I know enough to expect that if Darkseid {
Tyranny} wants the entire Anti-Life Equation, then he will want to come take it from me; I can forgive you for seeking my death, but he may leave me
worse than dead, and he would end my friends' lives as well when he comes. What. Am. I.
Dealing with!?"
My emotion was genuine, but something along those lines had been brewing in me ever since I read the Green Lanterns' records, and I had regulated my breathing as I shouted. I did not need to pant in exhaustion when I ended it.
But I wanted to. At least it would have punctuated the slow silence of-
"You do know that we will protect you from anything, don't you?" the Superman asked, his hand on my back as he stood behind me.
"That," I observed flatly, annoyed by his seeming inability to Rusting
pay attention when I was speaking, "is
exactly what I am afraid of.
"I have already spread Hemalurgy into the hands of people who will use it with wild abandon," I knotted down for the Superman. "I have already-," My voice broke, slightly, and I felt tears well up in my eyes again as I came face-to-face with and had to admit to what I had realized. "I have already done more harm than good upon my return here, and proven that I should have stayed dead after Roanoke," I reminded him. "Don't. Please. You said all of it before, the first time I told you this.
Listen to me this time, C- Kal-El," I corrected. "Listen.
"The entire Green Lantern Corps went to war with Apokolips, all of them, and… I expect they may have had some help from New Genesis," I observed, turning to eye the Highfather for his reaction. He gave away nothing, so I turned back. "A race of aliens billions of years old and experienced, and still alive after all of that, and in functional effect, they lost the war. They invaded, they failed, and they were repelled.
"Apokolips, from the taste of it, prefers offense over defense. The Guardians were forced to make a treaty before the counter-attack. New Genesis," I gestured, "is filled with people ostensibly the equals of Apokolips, willing to risk their lives and fight to the finish for what is right, yet they formed a treaty with Apokolips. If that planet comes for us, for what I have… I have every faith that you and the entire Justice League will fight to your last breaths in my defense, and in defense of the innocents Apokolips would hurt for enjoyment.
"Not just that I believe and trust in your
willingness to fight to your deaths," I emphasized, "but that you
will do so. You will fight to your deaths, and it will not be enough, and I would rather die than let Apokolips take me, if half of what I understand about them is accurate. Death does not scare me. Kal-El, You would rather die than let a single innocent life be ended, and I feel similarly. That is the problem.
"Worse," I sighed, looking down at my lap because eye contact would no longer be of help to me here, "is what also will happen to everyone else if Apokolips takes me. I do not understand the Anti-Life Equation as it has been explained to me. I do not believe what I have been told about the power in its entirety. Even so, Darkseid {
Tyranny} is doing terrible, horrible things to other people with only a part of the Anti-Life Equation, and I can give him even more of it. If I am taken, I will suffer horribly, and every other life in existence will suffer with me.
"Worse still…" Here I turned to Diana, because I was appealing to her experiences with me to make my reasoning clear. "Diana, you were with me when we crossed from the Dreaming into the Cognitive Realm of my original world. You have been taught how to travel back. I have no doubt that if he desired to, Darkseid could eventually also travel into the Dreaming, into the Cognitive Realm as we did, and find me.
"Even if I successfully killed myself and returned to my home dimension before Darkseid could come for me, he could find me, I think. So you do not need to worry about me summarily committing suicide soon to escape," I reassured him tiredly, "because it may be
less than a delaying tactic, and the Green Lanterns' records indicated that Darkseid is at least a billion years old. Is that correct?" I asked the Highfather.
"His age?" I nodded, though that lit my curiosity as to what he thought of my other estimations. "At least one billion, but less than two, and probably less than one-point-five," he affirmed to us. "We don't know much about his early years as Prince Uxas, to be honest."
"Mm," I hummed, drawing their attention back. "Worse, I do not know how much of the Anti-Life Equation is needed to equal or exceed a Shard's Investiture. I know that beings exist here, like the Endless, who can wholly surpass Shards. Now I know that my Investiture is at least a partly similar to the Anti-Life Equation. Moreover, Shards are explicitly transferable, which means Darkseid may take one if he tries for it.
"Thus is my situation: I have something attached to my soul that the New God of
Tyranny wants to take. I have no reason to believe you will successfully stop him after everyone else has so far failed at it. I have every reason to believe that you will try anyway. I cannot justify the innocent lives lost, endangered, or abused for fun in the process of his overcoming our resistance. I cannot stomach going alive.
"If I resist, I will likely be taken all the same. If I am taken alive, I will wish I had died by the end of it, and Darkseid will use what he takes from me to grow more powerful and inflict more agonies upon existence. If I die, he may still pursue me, and he may take me all the same, and he may take a Shard or more and grow even stronger yet again. What are my options, really? So." I turned to the New Gods.
"I. Need. More. Information. Please," I insisted. "I am fully prepared to begin begging in ashes. I have no good options, and I am panicking.
"Good enough is not good enough unless I can find some alternative or loophole too attempt, or else I do not know what to do. Every option it seems to me will end in failure, because no matter what you try
{You Can Always Fa- mmph!"
"Stop talking
immediately!" the Highfather insisted urgently, having literally leapt across the distance between us to cover my mouth.
"That was-!" Orion realized, only now reacting, and uncertain what else to do. I felt much the same. I tried to move my mouth away-
"Stop, please," the Highfather insisted, though he did not press aggressively after me. I paused, and as my head cleared up a little, I began to realize what almost had occurred. My attempt to exhale first caused an odd blubbering noise against his hand, so I stopped that.
Instead, I used my nose, and turned over what I was thinking of the past few minutes again. I thought, and I breathed, and I remained.
Slowly, I raised my hand up to draw the others' eyes to it. I splayed my fingers once, significantly, and then I made a careful and obvious thumbs-up sign, with my thumb obviously visible, and my other hand almost flat on the armrest of my wheelchair.
The Highfather eyed me warily, even as my message got through to the other two, and they stepped back.
"Are you able to keep from speaking?" he asked me. "I mean it. Please,
do not continue, and if you feel you must, make it known to me."
'
…He definitely treats this as absolutely serious, and urgent, and a real danger to us. Certainly, he likely stopped me from hurting myself by voicing that, if nothing else, so I owe him more than a little in return… Would biting my tongue be enough? Only, I'd have to heal so slowly….'
Carefully and deliberately, I pressed my own hand against the back of his hand and kept it there. I did not attempt to pull away.
I even made a point to lean in against his hand a little more, for what good it did, if any.
With my other hand, I repeated the splayed-fingers-so-I-don't-need-a-rescue and the thumbs-up gestures to Clark and Diana.
Then I made the live-long-and-prosper gesture of Space Trek and rolled my wrist at the Superman, which was our Team's unspoken signal for the person in question to take the lead or start moving, etc.
"I
think she's appointing me her representative until it's safe for her to speak again," he observed. I made a new thumbs-up at him. "Alright then." He stepped forward, put one supportive hand on my shoulder again, and said, "I suppose I should begin by asking why you stopped her from talking so suddenly, and when will it be safe for her to speak again?"
"Anti-Life may have a variety of effects when invoked, most of them unpleasant," the Highfather said. "Think of it as akin to shattering minds and blasting one's consciousness. Had she finished, she likely would have damaged herself and the two of you."
"And you?" the Wonder Woman inquired professionally, withholding any feelings she had about this. Her hand stayed by her sword hilt.
"I am mostly immune, or resistant, due to my own comprehension of the Life Equation's fragments," the Highfather explained. "Orion… should be similarly resistant, but it is largely untested; given his adverse reactions since we arrived here, I would rather not find out.
"Was it important? Yes," the Highfather insisted, and I could feel a thrum of certainty through the power in his flesh where it pressed against me. "Even emotional moods are enough to do small things, but short of weaponizing it in some synthetic or supernatural effect, speech is the
single most effective and immediate method of activating and transmitting effects from the two Equations.
"Half of a fragment is an idea, and speech is the communication of ideas and intents from one mind to another. The other half is energy, and sound waves are vibrational energy, generated to act upon the world as they move through it, and to convey ideas between us.
"I do not blame you for this, Renka Tindwysra, and you should not blame yourself," he declared seriously. "You are young, even if you would insist that you are not a child, and you are comparatively inexperienced in this area, despite your vast accomplishments in life. I walked into our meeting expecting that you may even attempt to try out your burgeoning abilities intentionally, and I have been on guard to stop you, if I needed to. Having a mild breakdown from the stress of your exceptional circumstances is quite the pleasant surprise, instead.
"I would give you a compliment, but you have expressed a desire that I not use my mantle on you and I will respect that," he said warmly. The fact that he did not offer me the option of reconsidering was flattering, in its own way. I smiled against his hand, gave another thumbs-up, and allowed him to continue uninterrupted. "It is not uncommon for people unknowingly possessed of fragments from either Equation—and I assure you, I have met many of both in my lifetime—to have slips like this, and Anti-Life itself is notorious for wanting to get out.
"You have admirable… not control over it, but… well, it may be that it is weakened along with the rest of you, but I also expect that your interpretation of the understanding of its truth – the personal comprehension of it that you have – may be beneficial to your situation. And, your situation is less grim than you fear, I am pleased to announce. If I may address a few pertinent points, in order?" he offered gently.
'
He… He is almost of some near-parity with Darkseid. He believed what he learned and came prepared. Of course he has possible solutions.'
I gave the Highfather a thumbs-up. I reached out and took hold of the Superman's hand, for moral support. Even so, I dared to hope.
"First, I must admit that New Genesis did not provide direct support to the Green Lantern Corps," he confessed unexpectedly. I blinked in confusion. "We did our usual supply runs and treatment of wounded, the same as with many, many other planets under assault by Apokolips indirectly, but so long as our treaty is in place I will not condone or encourage any action by my affiliates against Apokolips, at all."
"You would simply let them attack innocents?" the Wonder Woman demanded, sounding incensed. The Superman's grip was firm.
"A large part of our treaty is about restricting their ability to do so, and it continues to function as I intended. Make no mistake, the treaty was a victory for me, and one I still stand behind to this day," he asserted, "despite its cost. Darkseid's shadow wars, arming of local forces, and proxies are
nothing next to the open assaults that once scoured entire planets across all the galaxy. That is all I will tell you of it, for now.
"Second, Darkseid is certain to be slower and more subtle than you may fear. It is entirely possible that your incident right now was a way of his pushing you, obliquely, through use of his understanding of Anti-Life and your link to it, although I find it unlikely. Ultimately, however, my point is that he will not quickly and openly come to take what you have of the equation from you, because it is useless for him to do so.
"Darkseid could drain away the your power, the energy associated with it, I suppose, but were he to do so without an understanding of what your fragment
means, he would be subjecting himself to its effects more than he would be controlling it. He attempted that only once before, to my knowledge, and it left him inactive for more than a millennium. He is a coward, and he will greatly hesitate to do so again.
"Moreover, fragments of the Anti-Life Equation are not exclusive; it is entirely possible that you possess pieces of the equation which he has already attained and comprehended, in which case his interest in you will be limited. I have met many such people in the past, and many of them travel around now, unmolested; Darkseid seems to believe they are more likely to be of service to him in the course of their own quests for power, as many of them also end up seeking other fragments of the Anti-Life Equation-," I wrinkled my nose in distaste as several of my theories came back to me as to what it
really was. "-some of which may be ones he lacks, whereupon he would take them."
I made the most dismissive hand gesture I could manage without implying it was aimed at them to indicate my opinion of this.
"I believe she is expressing a desire to not go looking for any of the rest of the Equation," the Superman translated.
"Sadly, slightly less than half the people I have had this conversation with have kept to that," the Highfather sighed. "Still, I hope."
"You and I both, Highfather. Please," the Superman asked of him, "can you tell me that her options are not…
death, and those others?"
"Certainly. There is at least one option you have not accounted for, not that I blame you," the Highfather assured me. "And yes, I mean an option that is neither death, nor surrender, nor futile resistance."
'
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.' "Mph?" What exactly I felt at that is not easily describable. It is easiest to not bother trying.
I can only hope few other people will ever need to be in a situation where they feel those many emotions mixed together in such a way.
"New Genesis will give you shelter, Lady Sliver. I do not think you will need it immediately," he clarified, "but we will always have the option open for you. Before you ask, I will not confirm how many people currently or previously have been in our care this way, but we can do this."
"You still haven't told us when it will be safe for her to talk again," the Superman observed.
The Highfather thought about it. He looked me in the eyes.
As I had no clue what he was or was not looking for, and no unusual desire to unduly harm anyone present, I let him look without fidgeting.
"If she thinks she will not speak the words of her understanding, like they were alive and writhing to leap from her throat-,"
'
Rusts, and isn't that a pleasant image. …Which reminds me of the Harry Potter movie, number 2, & what happened with those slugs?'
"-then she should be as safe as she will ever be, which is safer than she was before this meeting told her what to look for," he finished.
The Highfather then gave me a probing look. I gave him a thumbs-up, which was becoming a touch monotonous to repeat, but whatever.
I felt somewhat happy for… it had not been too long a while, there had been moments, but they had not run so deep as this did.
I had hope again.
We both removed our hands.
'
I am extremely tempted to joke, but I am also worried about it going wrong.' "Testing, testing, one two three," I quoted instead.
Nothing horrible happened.
In an unexpected whirl I was suddenly subjected to dizzying vertigo and couldn't brea-… '
Actually, no, I can breathe just fine. Huh.'
"Please try to stop scaring us like that," the Superman requested, lowering me back into the wheelchair and unwrapping his arms.
"I…" '
There are so many pithy comments I can make, and none of them sound right. I will make no such promises? I hope I don't have to? Better a scare than real suffering?' "…have no clue how to answer that. Mm. I promise I will keep letting you help me?" I tried.
"I'll take what I can get," he sighed, and ruffled my hair like he had Robin's a few times. I hummed faux-irately at him for it.
"Well?" the Highfather asked. "What do you all think?"
I turned to answer him, or ask for clarification on the question, and I realized he was not speaking to me.
A bandolier with seven Motherboxes was now laid across a table, face-up and facing us.
<Willing if most appropriate. >
<Preference for better uses of engagement. >
<Willing and interested. >
<Willing. >
<Preference for distance from Anti-Life. >
<Willing. >
<Willing if most appropriate. >
<Preference occupied but otherwise willing, > chimed the Motherbox on Orion's belt along with them.
"Excellent," the Highfather said, considering. "Renka Tindwysra… even a gilded cage will grow tiresome, and we do not know that you face any true threat as of yet. The simplest way to keep you safer, in body and in spirit, is to take with you a Motherbox, as Orion does.
"Each Motherbox is an individual, and aware in their own way, with different specialties between them. Perhaps I could ask you to describe yourself in the ways you think are important, and then they will describe their specialties, and together we may find the right fit?"
"Mm…" It was a lot of rapid change and events and information to wrap my head around. Finally, though it still felt a little separate to me from reality, I got up the gumption to roll with it and accept - and explore any consequences at a later date if I had to - unless others objected. "Kal-El, Diana? I think this is safe and intended to help. Do you have any issues to raise?"
"It would be very helpful if any or all of the Motherboxes could attempt to trace the Boom Tube used on New Year's Eve," the Wonder Woman answered neutrally. "Beyond that, I can think of no particular objection."
"I would like to know more about Apokolips, and more about what else you may have been keeping bottled up," the Superman told me with evident concern. I did my best to look apologetic, because I hadn't quite realized how
muchthe ideas
botheredme until they burst out. "Beyond that… I still don't know quite what the Motherboxes are, other than 'living computers,' and I would like to know a little more about what and whom you may be letting into your life from this point on. However, I generally respect your judgment," he assured me.
I quirked a little smile. "So long as it is not a life or death situation?"
"So long as you don't decide that death is a good answer," he corrected, patting my shoulder amicably. "I trust you in
life situations."
I laughed appreciatively and leaned my head against his hand.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
* January 16 [Lois Lane PoV]
"Four hot chocolates, they'll share a molten chocolate eruption cake, and we'll have the traditional sundae with chopped peanuts, but wait a bit on that one," I ordered. "Smallville and I are taking a walk over to Lingman and Fifth, to see if they still have that tree up."
"Loser pays for dinner," Clark/Kal-El/Smallville/Superman/Kent chuckled, standing up as well. "Don't let them pay, please."
"Mm," Ferris/Renka hummed, rolling her eyes at him.
Jimmy just said, "Aww, gee thanks, guys. Go find some mistletoe!"
'
Oh, you little-! You're not getting away with that, even if we are.' I leaned down, pursed my lips, glared, and said, "Leslie. Lowe."
"I'll behave, Miss Lane. Terribly sorry to tease you," he babbled immediately, eyes shooting to his curious dinner partner.
The gold-eyed Terriswoman just hummed, tilted her head, and finger-waved a good-bye at us.
Clark—he was Clark and he was dressed like Clark and he really was Smallville under all the Superman stuff, so I was calling him that for now—waited until we were outside in our coats, our breath fogging white around us, before he asked, "What was that all about?"
"Haven't you-? Oh, right, Jimmy mentioned he was lining
his disguise trunk with lead," I remembered. '
Still cracks me up inside.'
"Oh, was that an alias of his? I only really remember running across 'Julie,'" he reflected.
"Yeah. Don't worry your Boy Scout heart, I wouldn't
actually out him as ending up in drag every two or three months on an infiltration; well, not during his first date with the girl," I assured him. "I just figured the threat would remind him of my endless blackmail supply."
"Well, we
are taking a romantic walk after dinner in the snow," he observed, and I was no longer nearly so certain as I'd once been whether Clark was sarcastic or serious. "It's not a baseless assumption to make." A few flake drifted down around us in the streetlamps.
I slipped my hand onto his elbow, genteel escort style, but pursed my lips and said, "Small- Clark, sorry. Clark, I don't need mistletoe to kiss you. If I decide to lay one on you, I'm going to damn well do it, no excuses. Besides," I continued, but I cut off.
'
Hell. How on Earth am I supposed to admit…?'
"…Lois?" he asked gently. "I was reading your signals right, wasn't I? The 'get me out of here' one, and your muttering?"
"Yes," I answered, and decided to start with the least severe but most surprising thing tonight. "Did you have any idea they would hit it off that well? I was expecting just idle chatting about nothing, so I'm totally gobsmacked," I admitted, though that was a bit of an exaggeration.
"Renka is well-mannered enough that it's hard to tell with her, sometimes, what is honest interest or just politeness," he demurred.
"Hard for humans, or hard for the guy who can hear heartbeats and see body heat?" I accused.
"
Lois," he half-whined, sounding pained. I whirled on him, shoving – even though it was only a useless gesture – his chest to stop him cold.
"No, Kent, we are
damn well talking about this, and we might as well do it now, without anyone around. You want me to date Clark Kent instead of the cape and shield? Fine. That's no different from me wanting to date a guy who appreciates Lois Lane the black belt who grew up an army brat and gets her nose into everything, instead Lois the famous writer who looks good in heels.
"But," I snapped, "if I'm dating Clark Kent, then I'm dating Clark. Joseph. Kent. That's the Clark Kent who doesn't own any oven mitts because hot pots won't burn his hands, did you know? He can spot weld his father's tractor
with his eyes when it breaks down, tow a crashed car away under his own power, and hammer nails into new posts for his family farm's fence without any tools. The Clark Kent who can hear what people say about him from half a mile away, and who has
faked surprise to my face for his past dozen birthdays because I never wrapped any of his presents in lead foil.
Not the clumsy hayseed who drops his notes everywhere and goes back for them."
He opened his mouth.
He closed his mouth.
"I suppose I'm not surprised that this has bothered you. I deserve it. Thank you, Lois," he said sincerely, "for being honest with me."
"Okay," I said sourly, giving an imperial sniff and fervently hoping I wouldn't cry, and than my shoulders didn't shake. "Your turn."
"My turn?" he asked. I twitched at him.
"Clark, we're dealing with not just a decade of lies between us, but a decade of lies interspersed with moments of pure honesty, risks to our lives, panic, mistaken assumptions, and we've had so many conversations about work that I don't think we would have lasted until our entrees if you hadn't made this a double-date to give us wingmen. Every facet I've seen of y-you-," My voice choked off.
"Lois?" he pressed gently, pulling me into a hug.
'
I will not cry, I'm a damn grown woman, I will not cry, I've come through bad shit okay and I will not cry, dammit,' I begged silently.
"Clark, I need you to think hard and be honest. Do you think there's something wrong with me?" I asked. "A traumatized, twenty-year-old child soldier from a third-world country was just doing this dinner date thing better than I was. My last relationship that
didn't end badly was a four-night-stand with your best friend, who is perhaps the most emotionally repressed
asshole in the hemisphere. You have the excuse of having a differently wired brain when you mess up things, but what am
I supposed to say about my wreck of a love life?"
There was a long, quiet pause as he held me. "Well, you could say, I'm sorry for rubbing your race in your face, Smallville," he suggested.
'
Shit. Shitshitshit.' "Sorry for… rubbing your race in your face, Smallville. Race, biology, species… Yeah," I muttered, "not cool of me."
"Thank you, Lois," he said more warmly. "To answer your other question: no, I don't think there is
anything wrong with you. At all.
Nothing. We've known each other for twelve years, now, and our work has always been a large part of both our lives. We work together, so we know most of it already without having to discuss it over dinner. Most of the other things – and I admit, after your comment about wrapping presents in lead, you
should be comfortable asking me about my powers from now on – but they aren't exactly restaurant conversation."
"What is?" I laughed. "When Jimmy went after 'Big Monte' McGraw while you were at your Fortress last week, and dressed up as a showgirl to get in the door? That story would sort of defeat the point of making him look good in front of his date."
"I don't suppose it would matter, so long as we left out who he was undercover as," Clark teased. "Although, now that you mention it, I doubt Ferris would mind very much.
You know who has taught
Robbie some similar tricks, and Renka said Robert did her make-up for tonight."
"B-Bruce, really?" I cackled, trying to imagine it. "And he makes-? He taught-!"
"He did indeed," Clark chuckled, and I just had to laugh.
"Perfect! I will find some way to make that stick up his ass
twitch thanks to this," I vowed.
"Juuust make sure you don't get
Robert caught in the crossfire, please. He's young enough to still be a bit sensitive, especially…."
"Oh?
Especially? No, don't dangle something that juicy in front of me, Smallville. You have to follow through!" I whacked his arm.
"But we should get to the tree and see if it's still there," he pretended to complain. Amused, even cackling a bit again, I started to drag him. "Lois. Lois," he laughed, "you do realize that I know it's gone, and I was already planning to pay for dinner?"
I shot him a triumphant smirk. "You do realize I slipped the hostess a hundred, with instructions that it cover our bill and tip?"
He looked surprised, which was difficult. "No, I didn't." Inside my head, I pumped a fist in success.
"I did," I confirmed smugly. "I even did it via note before you got there, just so you wouldn't overhear me. Surprise," I teased.
He laughed. "Impressive." Then he said, "Oh, that's interesting. Jimmy's describing a horror movie to her. Friday the Thirteenth?"
"Really? They've so far covered alien gods, public parks, gangs, rom-coms, role-playing games, zoos, Shakespeare, and now horror movies?"
"It sounds eclectic when you put it like that," Clark conceded, "but I think he's stumbled onto the secret of keeping her attention."
"Which would be…?" I pressed as we turned a corner and jaywalked across an empty street, snow crunching beneath our feet.
"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but Renka has a bit of a taste for the gruesome." Clark twitched his head again. "Now it's The Mummy."
"Think they'll do Dracula next? Or Frankenstein?"
"I'll tell you when they get there," he promised, and I leaned a bit more against him as the wind blew. "Right now Jimmy's describing the curse of immortality, where they sealed Imhotep into a sarcophagus full of beetles-,"
"Scarabs, specifically carnivorous ones," I corrected. "I remember: they would eat his flesh, and he would presumably eat theirs when he got hungry enough, and that dark mockery of the circle of life would continue indefinitely in the curse to make him immortal."
"Yes. Renka is commenting- that's disturbing," Clark sighed, but affectionately. "She was commenting on the possible ways that method wouldn't work properly, like if they ate too much of him or he thrashed around and crushed them before they ate him, or running out of air, but now she's segued into ways that the curse could work, if you accounted for certain things. Especially if it was fueled by an Egyptian god."
'
The things that come up in my life.' "Well, I guess she'd know. Actually, remind me, wasn't there some rumor we dug up about something-?"
"That was a report about where Kent Nelson originally found the Helmet of Fate. I
may have maybe fudged it a little to preserve his privacy and the secrecy of the location," Clark admitted guiltily, "but it wasn't quite the story lead you were looking for when we went digging."
"Oh." '
Well. Huh.' "Do you do that very often?" I asked. I tried to sound casual about it, like it didn't matter.
I should've known better than to lie to him.
Clark stepped around in front of me, looked me in the eye, and said, "No, Lois, and I'm deeply, truly sorry to have ever done it at all. I promise, I will be more honest with you about things in the future; if you'll give me a day or two, I can probably dig up a list of every time-,"
"It's
okay, Smallville," I interrupted, because he looked so damn guilty. "I understand, and I forgive you. The list is a nice offer, though," I added, because I have this infuriating
itch to know everything, and it
was bugging me now that I knew about it. I kissed his cheek.
"Tomorrow or the next day," he promised. I hoped he would kiss me back, but he didn't. "Oh my."
"What's that?" I asked. '
Looks like he's listening in again on something. I'm just realizing how often he gets that expression on his face....'
"Jimmy got to talking about movie history and remakes, and on top of Renka never seeing The Mummy, neither of them has ever seen the original movie from 1932; Jimmy's just telling her about Boris Karloff, and now they're making plans to either invite him to a Team movie night, or invite her over to his apartment to see it, some time in the next week."
I whistled. "Way to move fast, Olsen." '
Wait, movie night at his apartment, would she be sleeping over there…?' "You think they're going to need some adult supervision? Don't give me that look; you were thinking it too, Smallville. I don't think either of us knows how they'd navigate spending the night like that, but she's got some unpleasant history…?"
"I imagine she would just say 'no' if he pressed her about anything, but I can't imagine Jimmy pressing her, either," Clark replied.
I snorted. "Yeah, he's a goody two-shoes, just like you, Clark." '
Wait a minute.' "You know, I'm remembering that we were worried about you knocking me up. Not that I'd want any kids for another few years," I demurred, "but was your saying you didn't want to sleep with me during our first flop at dating a morals thing, Smallville, or was it because there's some alien anatomy that'd give the game away?"
He cringed. "Lois, do you really want to start this conversation now," he pleaded again, "when we've almost circled back to the restaurant? Their cake is here and they're sharing it while they wait for us. Jimmy's teasing will only be worse if we wait much longer."
"Fine," I sighed, "but we should hash this out before you drop me at my doorstep tonight, because I wouldn't mind inviting you up for coffee and ending this over breakfast, Clark." I smirked and pushed ahead of him to the door, so that he couldn't see my face, or vice-versa, because as confident as I felt, this was still
really forward of me. '
Nothing ventured…' "We
do have a decade of history to make up for, after all."
