lordchaos99
(I have left SV)
Responses in bold. I can't string-quote on my phone
Irresistible Force (Naruto/The Gamer SI)
- Thread starter Golum936
- Start date
Responses in bold. I can't string-quote on my phone
- Location
- Up on a Hill
spoilering it does solve the problem of it taking up space in each post, and this way we're able to see how his stats and skills change over time. I think this may actually be preferable to the one character sheet method.
There will be flashbacks, that's all I can say for now.
Well this is my interpretation of The Gamer's Mind. Emotions < Logic. Pain < Logic. Mind Ailments < Logic. Sense of right or wrong < Logic. Basically, logic is put above all other stimuli but I do not think that it makes the user immune to them or dampens them enough to be irrelevant. It just takes precedence over all of them and lets the user work through or sometimes by-pass whatever qualms or issues he might have through logical though process. But when placed into a room with such isolation, it has to take time to adapt.
I though this might come up, that's why I decided to post the character sheet at the end of the last chapter. You can see that while his stats are weak his skills make up for that weakness.
Let's be honest, some of the skills and titles in The Gamer are a bit silly too. Also, when I wrote tougher I meant in a sense that they mature faster. Yes, I added it into it, but I did not add it simply for that reason. There will be a sub-plot involving it, I'm sure you can easily figure out what kind of sub-plot it will be if you think about it. Though I'm not sure why you're bothered by this.
it's in the character sheet. Didn't work out the regen and replenishment yet, but I will mention it in the future chapters. Also, some of the skills cost will scale up instead of down as they increase in power.
Observe in this story works a bit differently. You can look into skill archive and future character sheets to see how it works.
Sorry if I'm not answering your every point but I'm working on the next chapter right now while writing this response. If you want a more detailed responses I don't mind if you send me a PM, I enjoy answering questions. It both helps me to think deeper about my story and allows me to see holes in my logic.
Well this is my interpretation of The Gamer's Mind. Emotions < Logic. Pain < Logic. Mind Ailments < Logic. Sense of right or wrong < Logic. Basically, logic is put above all other stimuli but I do not think that it makes the user immune to them or dampens them enough to be irrelevant. It just takes precedence over all of them and lets the user work through or sometimes by-pass whatever qualms or issues he might have through logical though process. But when placed into a room with such isolation, it has to take time to adapt.
I though this might come up, that's why I decided to post the character sheet at the end of the last chapter. You can see that while his stats are weak his skills make up for that weakness.
Let's be honest, some of the skills and titles in The Gamer are a bit silly too. Also, when I wrote tougher I meant in a sense that they mature faster. Yes, I added it into it, but I did not add it simply for that reason. There will be a sub-plot involving it, I'm sure you can easily figure out what kind of sub-plot it will be if you think about it. Though I'm not sure why you're bothered by this.
it's in the character sheet. Didn't work out the regen and replenishment yet, but I will mention it in the future chapters. Also, some of the skills cost will scale up instead of down as they increase in power.
Observe in this story works a bit differently. You can look into skill archive and future character sheets to see how it works.
Sorry if I'm not answering your every point but I'm working on the next chapter right now while writing this response. If you want a more detailed responses I don't mind if you send me a PM, I enjoy answering questions. It both helps me to think deeper about my story and allows me to see holes in my logic.
- Location
- Brazil
On the other hand, he can be impulsive. We just had it shown in canon Gamer how he went after that guy with no back up. He still has his morals, he struggles a great deal to not kill that guy. He got unbeliavably pissed when he captured Clas Rep.
Gamer's Mind is for him to be at 100% combat effectiveness at all times. It's to emulate how, no matter what your character is feeling, you, controlling him from behind your keyboard/joystick, is all that matters. You might very well be feeling the same, but that level of detachment means you can very easily keep your cool, stick to your combos and strategies. It doesn't force your hand, just makes sure you know about all the options.
He still feels it all, but it's like he is seeing a movie, reading a book, playing a Game. Detachment.
I like the Orphan bit. Almost like an easter egg, adds a bit of flavor.
Gamer's Mind is for him to be at 100% combat effectiveness at all times. It's to emulate how, no matter what your character is feeling, you, controlling him from behind your keyboard/joystick, is all that matters. You might very well be feeling the same, but that level of detachment means you can very easily keep your cool, stick to your combos and strategies. It doesn't force your hand, just makes sure you know about all the options.
He still feels it all, but it's like he is seeing a movie, reading a book, playing a Game. Detachment.
I like the Orphan bit. Almost like an easter egg, adds a bit of flavor.
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The Uninspired
Sir Terrier
- Location
- Australia, Queensland.
@lordchaos99
I added it in, because that made the most sense to me for how they'd forcefully awaken it. And, really it was based of a personal fear and how I believed they'd awaken it. Sensory deprivation would've been chief among them until their eyes were the only hope they had left, forcing them to either awaken it or 'suffocate' in the dark.
And, now that I look over the scene again, it seems slightly 'bland', as when I was writing it the fact that this was a gamer may've slipped my mind. Meaning, that without Gamer's Mind this is how it would've worked, and I'll talk to Golum about it later on when I can.
Also, golum answered the question himself in an earlier post.
The academy I wanted to turn into a 'place of learning', meaning that when the MC enters it, all stat gains are boosted by half. Now, how this will effect the MC is what I wanted to discuss with Golum if he goes along with it.
I wanted this to mean that the MC CAN gain stats, ONLY within the academy, and only under the tuition of the instructors within. With the further addition of only gaining it half as fast as everyone else, but that'll even out cause hes 'the gamer' meaning that even though he'll gain stats half as fast as everyone else there, it'll still be noticeably more efficient than the others. Again, having quantifiable numbers for every metric that you can measure yourself by is a fucking powerful motivator for being stronger, or getting stronger.
Firstly! I actually added it in, so your complain should be directed at me, and I'll treat it as though it was.
I added it in, because that made the most sense to me for how they'd forcefully awaken it. And, really it was based of a personal fear and how I believed they'd awaken it. Sensory deprivation would've been chief among them until their eyes were the only hope they had left, forcing them to either awaken it or 'suffocate' in the dark.
And, now that I look over the scene again, it seems slightly 'bland', as when I was writing it the fact that this was a gamer may've slipped my mind. Meaning, that without Gamer's Mind this is how it would've worked, and I'll talk to Golum about it later on when I can.
This is true, and this failing comes to rest squarely on my shoulders. I'll try my best to take this into account in future, especially when I'm writing what should be either mind fuckery or emotionally charged scenes. I really don't like this skill of the gamer's and I've a proposition I want to discuss with Golum later on about it actually. A few things in this vein. I'll concede this point to you though.
Also, golum answered the question himself in an earlier post.
This is another thing I wanted to bring to Golum too, about the academy.
The academy I wanted to turn into a 'place of learning', meaning that when the MC enters it, all stat gains are boosted by half. Now, how this will effect the MC is what I wanted to discuss with Golum if he goes along with it.
I wanted this to mean that the MC CAN gain stats, ONLY within the academy, and only under the tuition of the instructors within. With the further addition of only gaining it half as fast as everyone else, but that'll even out cause hes 'the gamer' meaning that even though he'll gain stats half as fast as everyone else there, it'll still be noticeably more efficient than the others. Again, having quantifiable numbers for every metric that you can measure yourself by is a fucking powerful motivator for being stronger, or getting stronger.
- Location
- Up on a Hill
@The Uninspired
I'm somewhat confused. The si's stats have gone up a small amount haven't they? How are stat gains currently being handled?
Also, as to your idea for only allowing the si to gain stats in the academy, I have a suggested adjustment. It seems rather clunky to insert that as an effect of the gamer itself. What if you simply reasoned that the hyuga clans tight control over the si prevents him from doing major stat training, while the training needed to increase stats is encouraged at the academy. The si is pretty young after all. I imagine his family wouldn't be putting him through anything like a body building routine just yet, especially because that's not what the hyuga styles focus on. But the academy is preparing these children for war. It needs them in good shape.
Does that sound reasonable? Even if you go with something else, I hope this helps
!
I'm somewhat confused. The si's stats have gone up a small amount haven't they? How are stat gains currently being handled?
Also, as to your idea for only allowing the si to gain stats in the academy, I have a suggested adjustment. It seems rather clunky to insert that as an effect of the gamer itself. What if you simply reasoned that the hyuga clans tight control over the si prevents him from doing major stat training, while the training needed to increase stats is encouraged at the academy. The si is pretty young after all. I imagine his family wouldn't be putting him through anything like a body building routine just yet, especially because that's not what the hyuga styles focus on. But the academy is preparing these children for war. It needs them in good shape.
Does that sound reasonable? Even if you go with something else, I hope this helps
!
The Uninspired
Sir Terrier
- Location
- Australia, Queensland.
@The Uninspired
I'm somewhat confused. The si's stats have gone up a small amount haven't they? How are stat gains currently being handled?
Also, as to your idea for only allowing the si to gain stats in the academy, I have a suggested adjustment. It seems rather clunky to insert that as an effect of the gamer itself. What if you simply reasoned that the hyuga clans tight control over the si prevents him from doing major stat training, while the training needed to increase stats is encouraged at the academy.
The si is pretty young after all. I imagine his family wouldn't be putting him through anything like a body building routine just yet, especially because that's not what the hyuga styles focus on. But the academy is preparing these children for war. It needs them in good shape.
Does that sound reasonable? Even if you go with something else, I hope this helps
The problem with reasoning that the Hyuuga had such a strict control over the MC is that his stats would've gone up regardless, even the unintentional stats. Endurance / Vit would've gone up with the sparring practice, I see that as something that goes up naturally over time, and the reason for it going up.
That's because the MC's leveled up a few times, and spent the points immediately to show that he was still 'improving' so the clan didn't ride him harder for improvements. Wouldn't it be odd if the MC never improved after all the physical work he put in? That's the point, right there of why he spent his points immediately, to 'simulate' improvement. Or, at least what I can understand about it after talking to Golum about it.
And as for all of it, don't worry. Me n' Golum have discussed it briefly, and we'll get into the meat of it when we can talk again next.
In the mean-time however, we're bouncing ideas off'a each other and getting some absolutely evil idea's.
Err what, yeah the idea you've given helps a decent bit actually, more perspective. We'll discuss it when we can. Thank you for taking the time outta' your day to reply to us and keep the conversation rolling.
That extends to everyone here too, a huge and absolutely massive thanks to everyone here who took the time outta' their day to say something. Be it positive, negative or honest criticism. Thank's y'all.
I'm off to edit the next chapter.
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Madou Sutegobana
Autocorrupt has been disabled.
- Location
- Twin Realms Mandala
About the Gamer's Mind issue; the Gamer power is supposed to make the protagonist like a Video Game Character and it is the Player that can be detached and logical (Not if the game is any good; in my experience!)
Video Game Characters can have nervous breakdowns, hesitate, be affected by mind control magic, and be put under the control of someone other than the Player.
Video Game Characters can have nervous breakdowns, hesitate, be affected by mind control magic, and be put under the control of someone other than the Player.
- Location
- Brazil
And being able to improve your strenght every X push ups, Y sit ups, Z pull ups, your vitality every X minutes of running, your speed every Z minutes of sprinting, etc, is incredibly better than the organic way.
Crazy thing about the Gamer is how skills can stack upon each other, and how absurd flat numbers look IRL. Something like Power Strike (that I don't think should have that "Requires weapon" thing, not when the power itself recognize fists can be weapons by giving him Hand-to-Hand Mastery).
Anyway, holy shit, the MC knows 8 Trigrams 64 Palms, knows Hakkesho Kaiten, things Neji, considered a Hyuuga between Hyuuga, could only barely use when he was 13-14 years old. Air Bullet he didn't use until he was 15-17. MC learned those at three? Nice thing about being main family, is that instead of suspicion/envy, he will be singed praise all the way to the heavens.
Damn, he could be asthmatic and all the Hyuuga would do is drop the equivalent of millions for the best treatment money can buy, and dozens of the deadliest jonin can get treatment even money can't.
Question: Is there no skill to reinforce your body with chakra?
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The Uninspired
Sir Terrier
- Location
- Australia, Queensland.
Finished beta-ing chapter.
Wohoo.
Wohoo.
Chapter 3
I looked into the mirror and was barely able to stop myself from flinching. Even after all those years I'm still not used to looking into the mirror and seeing another's face, don't forget the freaky eyes.
I was dressed into a white kimono with a black belt sash, white tabi and two geta on my feet, they were the two tooth variants. I recognized them immediately honestly, who wouldn't. They were Jiraya's most commonly used footwear. Well, that's how I knew them at any rate.
My hair was set in a traditional Hyuga style. My black hair was combed back over my head and fell to around the lower half my middle back. I had two bangs framing my face, they alone in length fell to just below my shoulders. I had an aquiline nose and an average size mouth.
Now, I know you're wondering how my hair is that when I'm this young, I'm personally going to put it to good genes. In my personal, and completely unbiased opinion, anyone would wish they had hair this good.
Combine it all together with my wide bambi looking eyes, I looked like any other Hyuga male, well maybe a bit more handsome but that's probably my completely unbiased opinion again, honest. My countenance was impassive and showed no emotion, as was expected of a prodigy of the Hyuga clan. Apparently, Hyuga's had a reputation to uphold, who knew.
"Hiroshi, are you ready?" Hizashi asked from behind the closed shoji door, the shadow he was casting depicted him with his head turned aside as if looking elsewhere.
"Yes, I'm ready Hizashi-oniisama." I replied as I slid the shoji door open, revealing that he still wasn't looking in my direction.
"Let's go." Said Hizashi without looking at me. I'm not sure when it started, but both Hisashi and Hizashi started to avoid eye contact with me. Again however, it had been slow at the start, a commotion over there, looking at where we were to be going instead of at me. Again, it was almost a mirror of how they grew apart, only with eye contact instead.
I would say we moved towards the gates slowly, but we really didn't. I wouldn't say we moved fast either, just around the middle, but it felt like forever. Especially because I was finally being allowed to leave the compound!
"Hizashi-sama, Hiroshi-sama, have a safe journey!" both guards echoed in stereo, only one said Hizashi-sama, and the other said my name at the same time, they twitches playing on their lips. I could Hizashi's put upon sigh was audible to me, even at a distance of around a meter, and that was saying something.
"Hmm, we're going out." Was my stoic uncle's response to their attempt at getting a raise out of him. He turned his head from one to the other, I didn't hear what he said to them but I sure as hell heard their response, again in stereo… that was a thing with them apparently.
The one on the left began replying first, he was male, and thus dubbed guard Ichi, "That's not-" He was cut off as the other guard cut in, she was female, and thus dubbed guard Ni, "-our name!" They looked rather mutinous actually.
A pity, my uncle was already walking off, and as I realized I was still standing there with a brow raised in astonishment. My uncle, the sternest person I knew, except for that one guy, who I forget the name of and I really should remember, had cracked a joke.
Beat.
I scrambled to catch up. I did it with dignified airs of course, reputation to uphold and all that jazz. You wouldn't catch a Hyuga scrambling to do anything, thank you very much. Most certainly not me. Not after the chewing out I got last time I was acting my age. Bastards.
While we were heading towards the academy I was subtly looking around and remembering the way. Take a left after that store, follow the street through three intersections and we were on a street that practically bisected Konoha. I could see the Hokage's tower from here… That was simple, given the academy's location was directly off from the Hokage's tower. Spinning on a dime, the main gate to Konoha sat behind me.
This was basically my first time going out of the compound, which is all kinds of sad and depressing. But elders insisted that I remain in the compound to prevent any attempted kidnappings or assassinations by the clan's enemies.
I personally believed however, that the nosy old codgers just wanted me to be worked to the bone, so they could get the most out of their 'Prodigy'. They also probably wanted me under supervision the whole time so that I wouldn't 'waste' my potential on trivial things like social interaction, or learning how to talk to people my age.
"Hiroshi, the elders expect nothing but the best from you, so make sure you don't disappoint them, don't bring shame to the clan."
"Understood." I replied. 'Politics.' I scoffed in my mind. "I'll make sure to be on my best behavior, wouldn't want the venerable elders to do any work, would we Hizashi-oniisama, they might accidentally dislodge some of the dust that's accumulating on them."
There was a visible twitch in his demeanor as he attempt to strangle a chuckle with a cough. He failed miserably.
Many within the village already heard about me being a prodigy and probably have very high expectations. So if I do not live up or surpass those expectation, it will hurt the Hyuga clan's political clout. Preconceptions about me right out the door, I lay the blame for this squarely at the collective feet of the council of ancient fossils. Fucking assholes.
I shelved my current thought trains topic for later perusal, for when I was again feeling slightly vindictive of the council of codgers.
We stopped in front of the gate of the academy and silently parted our ways. While Hizashi went back to the clan's compound presumably, I went to the front of the academy to ask for directions to the office, I needed my class schedule and a map.
Usually there would be grand entrance ceremony for the new aspiring shinobi, but with the war going on nobody wants to waste time on such frivolous things so we got something else instead, a smaller and a much more unfeeling reception. The entrance ceremony was going to be inside a classroom, from what I'd managed to scrounge up through my meager information gathering skills.
It would consist of them handing out brochures and pamphlets explaining what was expected of us as Konoha shinobi. We would be expected to read them later when we got home, the classes started the second we had them.
The office was small really, more of a reception area for civilian parents to meet with the teachers or get the so called 'facts' on the process of becoming a shinobi. It also handled enrollments of their children, usually shortly after they the 'facts'.
I arrived at my class not even three minutes later. The academy was pretty bland on the architecture side. Much like a school building really.
'Oh, look who we have here.' I thought without showing any reaction on the outside as I stalked into the hallway, a thunderous cloud hovering over my head and my cheeks burning red. I already had them. Fans.
Fans, of the touchy feely 'I'm going to pinch your cheeks to make my point about you looking like a small child' and the 'I'm going to ruffle your hair violently while doing so', not to mention the, 'Whine and bitch over how lovely my hair is' variety.
I may have provoked the situation when I commented that her hair could use a good wash though. It wasn't on purpose though, and I'm entirely certain that's my unbiased opinion.
It was Hatake Kakashi, only chibi. His was younger, less defined and… well, more cherubic than his elder counterpart that we all know and love. He was dressed in a utilitarian black outfit with his famous mask hiding his lower half of the face.
I was mildly incredulous, he already had the mask? What, was he born with it on or something? He also had a green scarf with a dark, elegant green patterns on his neck. I simply stared at it dumbly, what? That scarf, did not suit him at all.
I silently gestured for him to go ahead and enter the classroom before me, which he responded to with an equally silent nod and opened the door, seems as though he had just agreed to lead the charge. So to speak that is. We both entered the classroom to the eyes. Oh god, the eyes. At least forty eye's stared at us, as though we alone held the secrets of the universe.
The instructor gestured with his hands to say we could seat ourselves anywhere, I had already however silently decided to follow Kakashi in this matter. He would at least be interesting. The eyes followed us however, and I revise my earlier statement. They didn't stare at us as though we held the secrets of the universe, it was just bored school children looking for a distraction. I was mildly disappointed.
I spotted a few familiar faces as we traversed the classroom to the back row window seats. Gai stood out as the most noticeable however, the clashing colours of his outfit and bowl cut the most noticeable, is what I want to say. But really, the caterpillars that had apparently made home above his eyes was the most noticeable thing.
There were a few other kids whose faces are not familiar, but there were very few kids overall. Probably due to the fact that a war is going on and all graduates are fully expected to participate. I was also wondering where the hell was Obito before I remembered that he was always late.
Moments after I had seated myself next to Kakashi one seat over the the window the instructor began.
"Good morning children. From this day forth you shall call me Jibei-sensei. Looks like we're missing one, but we're going to start anyway. " The bear of a man grumbled aloud, somehow managing to project his voice to every corner of the classroom. I personally had no idea a man could be that hairy.
"Come up one by one and take those papers. Read them together with your guardians and tell them that those papers need to be signed. Those papers have everything you need to know about being academy student, from what things you need for classes to what is expected of you. I expect to see you all tomorrow at this time. That is all, have a good day." Jibei
To be completely frank, I expected some kind of speech or boring indoctrination to the will of the fire. However, what became apparent in the seconds or so as the teacher left through the door, was that in the wartime academy, they didn't care about it.
I mean, after all, who needed shinobi who would more than likely die within a month of leaving the academy properly brainwashed into loving the village.
When you could instead pump even more deadly knowledge and skills into them so that maybe, when they're dying they'll take down a few of Konoha's enemies huh. I approved of the pragmatic approach.
I planned to milk this to its hilt and then a step further. I was going to drain the academy dry of every bonus, boost and possible skill.
I paused as I reviewed that thought, and added an addendum to it; that no, that's not what I meant, get your mind out of the gutter.
As the entire class was exiting the academy I finally saw Obito, he was looking kinda down. Probably because he was late on the first day of academy, which I can say is not a good idea. Being late or absent on the first day of anything is a guaranteed way to have a hard time getting to know your people, since cliques are usually formed and cemented on the first day. After they are formed, good luck getting into any of them, your best bet is finding someone similar or just being a really social person.
As we passed him however, I decided to throw him a bone. I silently called my inventory open and deposited the extra forms I'd gotten from the Office. Apparently, they thought I'd missed my class orientation and given me the set. I had gotten another set from the teacher just before, during class orientation.
I slapped the sheets of paper and pamphlets into his hands as we passed by, carefully pitching my voice so only he would hear it, "I don't want to be the only Hyuga in history to have won against an Uchiha because they were tardy on the first day of school. Dobe."
Kakashi and I continued on, leaving him stunned and gaping in the middle of the road. Kakashi didn't ask and I didn't offer. I could've sworn however that I heard the mutter of Teme on the wind as we left him behind.
Kakashi seemed to be sticking closer to me than the other students. I wondered why actually, I hadn't done anything with him, besides nod my head at him and be in the same class together.
Ahh, actually that made sense. He was probably sticking with me because he felt more comfortable around me, I mean to the outside world I was only four years of age, the same age as Kakashi.
As we reached an intersection, Kakashi gave me a slight nod, which I returned and we parted ways.
I was dressed into a white kimono with a black belt sash, white tabi and two geta on my feet, they were the two tooth variants. I recognized them immediately honestly, who wouldn't. They were Jiraya's most commonly used footwear. Well, that's how I knew them at any rate.
My hair was set in a traditional Hyuga style. My black hair was combed back over my head and fell to around the lower half my middle back. I had two bangs framing my face, they alone in length fell to just below my shoulders. I had an aquiline nose and an average size mouth.
Now, I know you're wondering how my hair is that when I'm this young, I'm personally going to put it to good genes. In my personal, and completely unbiased opinion, anyone would wish they had hair this good.
Combine it all together with my wide bambi looking eyes, I looked like any other Hyuga male, well maybe a bit more handsome but that's probably my completely unbiased opinion again, honest. My countenance was impassive and showed no emotion, as was expected of a prodigy of the Hyuga clan. Apparently, Hyuga's had a reputation to uphold, who knew.
"Hiroshi, are you ready?" Hizashi asked from behind the closed shoji door, the shadow he was casting depicted him with his head turned aside as if looking elsewhere.
"Yes, I'm ready Hizashi-oniisama." I replied as I slid the shoji door open, revealing that he still wasn't looking in my direction.
"Let's go." Said Hizashi without looking at me. I'm not sure when it started, but both Hisashi and Hizashi started to avoid eye contact with me. Again however, it had been slow at the start, a commotion over there, looking at where we were to be going instead of at me. Again, it was almost a mirror of how they grew apart, only with eye contact instead.
I would say we moved towards the gates slowly, but we really didn't. I wouldn't say we moved fast either, just around the middle, but it felt like forever. Especially because I was finally being allowed to leave the compound!
"Hizashi-sama, Hiroshi-sama, have a safe journey!" both guards echoed in stereo, only one said Hizashi-sama, and the other said my name at the same time, they twitches playing on their lips. I could Hizashi's put upon sigh was audible to me, even at a distance of around a meter, and that was saying something.
"Hmm, we're going out." Was my stoic uncle's response to their attempt at getting a raise out of him. He turned his head from one to the other, I didn't hear what he said to them but I sure as hell heard their response, again in stereo… that was a thing with them apparently.
The one on the left began replying first, he was male, and thus dubbed guard Ichi, "That's not-" He was cut off as the other guard cut in, she was female, and thus dubbed guard Ni, "-our name!" They looked rather mutinous actually.
A pity, my uncle was already walking off, and as I realized I was still standing there with a brow raised in astonishment. My uncle, the sternest person I knew, except for that one guy, who I forget the name of and I really should remember, had cracked a joke.
Beat.
I scrambled to catch up. I did it with dignified airs of course, reputation to uphold and all that jazz. You wouldn't catch a Hyuga scrambling to do anything, thank you very much. Most certainly not me. Not after the chewing out I got last time I was acting my age. Bastards.
While we were heading towards the academy I was subtly looking around and remembering the way. Take a left after that store, follow the street through three intersections and we were on a street that practically bisected Konoha. I could see the Hokage's tower from here… That was simple, given the academy's location was directly off from the Hokage's tower. Spinning on a dime, the main gate to Konoha sat behind me.
This was basically my first time going out of the compound, which is all kinds of sad and depressing. But elders insisted that I remain in the compound to prevent any attempted kidnappings or assassinations by the clan's enemies.
I personally believed however, that the nosy old codgers just wanted me to be worked to the bone, so they could get the most out of their 'Prodigy'. They also probably wanted me under supervision the whole time so that I wouldn't 'waste' my potential on trivial things like social interaction, or learning how to talk to people my age.
"Hiroshi, the elders expect nothing but the best from you, so make sure you don't disappoint them, don't bring shame to the clan."
"Understood." I replied. 'Politics.' I scoffed in my mind. "I'll make sure to be on my best behavior, wouldn't want the venerable elders to do any work, would we Hizashi-oniisama, they might accidentally dislodge some of the dust that's accumulating on them."
There was a visible twitch in his demeanor as he attempt to strangle a chuckle with a cough. He failed miserably.
Many within the village already heard about me being a prodigy and probably have very high expectations. So if I do not live up or surpass those expectation, it will hurt the Hyuga clan's political clout. Preconceptions about me right out the door, I lay the blame for this squarely at the collective feet of the council of ancient fossils. Fucking assholes.
I shelved my current thought trains topic for later perusal, for when I was again feeling slightly vindictive of the council of codgers.
We stopped in front of the gate of the academy and silently parted our ways. While Hizashi went back to the clan's compound presumably, I went to the front of the academy to ask for directions to the office, I needed my class schedule and a map.
Usually there would be grand entrance ceremony for the new aspiring shinobi, but with the war going on nobody wants to waste time on such frivolous things so we got something else instead, a smaller and a much more unfeeling reception. The entrance ceremony was going to be inside a classroom, from what I'd managed to scrounge up through my meager information gathering skills.
It would consist of them handing out brochures and pamphlets explaining what was expected of us as Konoha shinobi. We would be expected to read them later when we got home, the classes started the second we had them.
The office was small really, more of a reception area for civilian parents to meet with the teachers or get the so called 'facts' on the process of becoming a shinobi. It also handled enrollments of their children, usually shortly after they the 'facts'.
I arrived at my class not even three minutes later. The academy was pretty bland on the architecture side. Much like a school building really.
'Oh, look who we have here.' I thought without showing any reaction on the outside as I stalked into the hallway, a thunderous cloud hovering over my head and my cheeks burning red. I already had them. Fans.
Fans, of the touchy feely 'I'm going to pinch your cheeks to make my point about you looking like a small child' and the 'I'm going to ruffle your hair violently while doing so', not to mention the, 'Whine and bitch over how lovely my hair is' variety.
I may have provoked the situation when I commented that her hair could use a good wash though. It wasn't on purpose though, and I'm entirely certain that's my unbiased opinion.
It was Hatake Kakashi, only chibi. His was younger, less defined and… well, more cherubic than his elder counterpart that we all know and love. He was dressed in a utilitarian black outfit with his famous mask hiding his lower half of the face.
I was mildly incredulous, he already had the mask? What, was he born with it on or something? He also had a green scarf with a dark, elegant green patterns on his neck. I simply stared at it dumbly, what? That scarf, did not suit him at all.
I silently gestured for him to go ahead and enter the classroom before me, which he responded to with an equally silent nod and opened the door, seems as though he had just agreed to lead the charge. So to speak that is. We both entered the classroom to the eyes. Oh god, the eyes. At least forty eye's stared at us, as though we alone held the secrets of the universe.
The instructor gestured with his hands to say we could seat ourselves anywhere, I had already however silently decided to follow Kakashi in this matter. He would at least be interesting. The eyes followed us however, and I revise my earlier statement. They didn't stare at us as though we held the secrets of the universe, it was just bored school children looking for a distraction. I was mildly disappointed.
I spotted a few familiar faces as we traversed the classroom to the back row window seats. Gai stood out as the most noticeable however, the clashing colours of his outfit and bowl cut the most noticeable, is what I want to say. But really, the caterpillars that had apparently made home above his eyes was the most noticeable thing.
There were a few other kids whose faces are not familiar, but there were very few kids overall. Probably due to the fact that a war is going on and all graduates are fully expected to participate. I was also wondering where the hell was Obito before I remembered that he was always late.
Moments after I had seated myself next to Kakashi one seat over the the window the instructor began.
"Good morning children. From this day forth you shall call me Jibei-sensei. Looks like we're missing one, but we're going to start anyway. " The bear of a man grumbled aloud, somehow managing to project his voice to every corner of the classroom. I personally had no idea a man could be that hairy.
"Come up one by one and take those papers. Read them together with your guardians and tell them that those papers need to be signed. Those papers have everything you need to know about being academy student, from what things you need for classes to what is expected of you. I expect to see you all tomorrow at this time. That is all, have a good day." Jibei
To be completely frank, I expected some kind of speech or boring indoctrination to the will of the fire. However, what became apparent in the seconds or so as the teacher left through the door, was that in the wartime academy, they didn't care about it.
I mean, after all, who needed shinobi who would more than likely die within a month of leaving the academy properly brainwashed into loving the village.
When you could instead pump even more deadly knowledge and skills into them so that maybe, when they're dying they'll take down a few of Konoha's enemies huh. I approved of the pragmatic approach.
Academy Student
+25% proficiency gained towards the shinobi academy skills
"Congratulations, you are now a shinobi academy student."
+25% proficiency gained towards the shinobi academy skills
"Congratulations, you are now a shinobi academy student."
Title Acquired
Shinobi in Training
+50% stat gain
"Congratulations, you now a shinobi in training."
Shinobi in Training
+50% stat gain
"Congratulations, you now a shinobi in training."
I planned to milk this to its hilt and then a step further. I was going to drain the academy dry of every bonus, boost and possible skill.
I paused as I reviewed that thought, and added an addendum to it; that no, that's not what I meant, get your mind out of the gutter.
As the entire class was exiting the academy I finally saw Obito, he was looking kinda down. Probably because he was late on the first day of academy, which I can say is not a good idea. Being late or absent on the first day of anything is a guaranteed way to have a hard time getting to know your people, since cliques are usually formed and cemented on the first day. After they are formed, good luck getting into any of them, your best bet is finding someone similar or just being a really social person.
As we passed him however, I decided to throw him a bone. I silently called my inventory open and deposited the extra forms I'd gotten from the Office. Apparently, they thought I'd missed my class orientation and given me the set. I had gotten another set from the teacher just before, during class orientation.
I slapped the sheets of paper and pamphlets into his hands as we passed by, carefully pitching my voice so only he would hear it, "I don't want to be the only Hyuga in history to have won against an Uchiha because they were tardy on the first day of school. Dobe."
Kakashi and I continued on, leaving him stunned and gaping in the middle of the road. Kakashi didn't ask and I didn't offer. I could've sworn however that I heard the mutter of Teme on the wind as we left him behind.
Kakashi seemed to be sticking closer to me than the other students. I wondered why actually, I hadn't done anything with him, besides nod my head at him and be in the same class together.
Ahh, actually that made sense. He was probably sticking with me because he felt more comfortable around me, I mean to the outside world I was only four years of age, the same age as Kakashi.
As we reached an intersection, Kakashi gave me a slight nod, which I returned and we parted ways.
Name: Hyuga Hiroshi
[Level: 8]
HP-395
CP-755
STR 4 (9.6)
VIT 5 (15.75)
DEX 12 (32.16)
INT 12 (22.16)
WIS 12 (27.16)
LUK 10 (11.5)
Points: 0
Money: $0
Physical Endurance (Passive)
[Level: 12 (56.78%)]
14% decrease in damage from physical attacks
The body's durability increases and as a direct consequence, takes less damage from blunt force trauma.
Power Strike (Active)
[Level: 8 (42.84%)]
+64% critical hit chance
+90% increase in damage
Chakra cost: 25/cast
Strikes the target with an amazingly heavy force. There's no way you'd be able to generate the force this skill puts out without the skill. May Require a weapon of some form, will inflict damage to user if not used with weapon.
Hand-to-Hand Mastery (Passive)
[Level: 25 MAXED]
Bare Handed attacks damage +250%
Bare Handed attack speed +125%
Bare Handed attack critical hit chance +75%
Bare Handed attacks critical damage +175%
Aftershock [Level 20]: Dealing damage with your bares hands to a living opponent causes the damage to apply itself again over 10 seconds.
Observe(Active)
[Level: 15 (13.25%)]
Let's you see details of things or beings around you, exactly as it says on the tin. Do you really need a description?
Level up abilities;
[Level 5: Shows Title of person if Observed.]
[Level 10: Shows Health and Chakra bars below title.]
Juuken! (Passive) [Level: 18 (24.58%)]
DEX increased by 28%
INT increased by 28%
WIS increased by 28%
Ignore 28% of target's DEFENSE
Juuken requires natural flexibility and discipline in its users. Making extensive use of a 'flowing' style of attacks to 'softly' attack the opponent, while the user deals incredible amounts of internal damage with their Chakra. This allows masters of Juken to render all that would stand before them broken and shattered remains, both internally and externally.
The Byakugan! (Active) [Level 16 (5.96%)]
Chakra cost: 5 per second.
While Active:
DEX is increased by 80%
INT is increased by 80%
WIS is increased by 80%
Range: 300 Meters
The Byakugan enable the user while active to see everything around them, within a certain rage. It allows the user to see with such clarity that they can perceive even the chakra systems of any living being within their sight.
Hakkesho Kaiten (Active) [Level: 12 (3.21%)]
Chakra cost: 15/sec
An amazing defense, the user release a constant stream of chakra from each and every one of their Tenketsu forming a dome of spinning chakra around them. "Turn aside all that seeks to assail you, twist around all that would harm you and let the enemy break themselves upon our defense. Let them grind themselves unto dust."
Hakke Rokujuyon Sho (Active) [Level: 12 (51.20%)]
Chakra cost: 80
This technique is a set of serially escalating strikes, each set more intense with double the strikes of the previous. Each set of strikes is done at an exponentially increasing pace and strength. The technique consists of 6 Steps. Beginning with 2 hits for step one. An enemy who takes this entire combo will have the status, 'CHAKRA STASIS' applied, their entire chakra system going into shock.
Hakke Kusho (Active) [Level: 12(1.75%)]
Chakra cost: 15
A simple gesture turn into a deadly technique. A simple palm thrust where the users compresses the air itself into a bullet and send sits careening off into their opponent when the delicate shell of chakra compressing it breaks releasing the compressed air and chakra.
"Hakke Kuhekisho [Level: 12 (11.25%)]
Chakra cost: 20
This technique creates a backlog of chakra in the users arms, the user will continuously 'shove' chakra into the arms in preparation for this technique, when ready they will release it all through their palms, either upon touching an opponent or without, to create a 'wall' of compressed chakra. A single bit of chakra not moving in synch with the rest can cause the entire arm to explode.
[Level: 8]
HP-395
CP-755
STR 4 (9.6)
VIT 5 (15.75)
DEX 12 (32.16)
INT 12 (22.16)
WIS 12 (27.16)
LUK 10 (11.5)
Points: 0
Money: $0
Physical Endurance (Passive)
[Level: 12 (56.78%)]
14% decrease in damage from physical attacks
The body's durability increases and as a direct consequence, takes less damage from blunt force trauma.
Power Strike (Active)
[Level: 8 (42.84%)]
+64% critical hit chance
+90% increase in damage
Chakra cost: 25/cast
Strikes the target with an amazingly heavy force. There's no way you'd be able to generate the force this skill puts out without the skill. May Require a weapon of some form, will inflict damage to user if not used with weapon.
Hand-to-Hand Mastery (Passive)
[Level: 25 MAXED]
Bare Handed attacks damage +250%
Bare Handed attack speed +125%
Bare Handed attack critical hit chance +75%
Bare Handed attacks critical damage +175%
Aftershock [Level 20]: Dealing damage with your bares hands to a living opponent causes the damage to apply itself again over 10 seconds.
Observe(Active)
[Level: 15 (13.25%)]
Let's you see details of things or beings around you, exactly as it says on the tin. Do you really need a description?
Level up abilities;
[Level 5: Shows Title of person if Observed.]
[Level 10: Shows Health and Chakra bars below title.]
Juuken! (Passive) [Level: 18 (24.58%)]
DEX increased by 28%
INT increased by 28%
WIS increased by 28%
Ignore 28% of target's DEFENSE
Juuken requires natural flexibility and discipline in its users. Making extensive use of a 'flowing' style of attacks to 'softly' attack the opponent, while the user deals incredible amounts of internal damage with their Chakra. This allows masters of Juken to render all that would stand before them broken and shattered remains, both internally and externally.
The Byakugan! (Active) [Level 16 (5.96%)]
Chakra cost: 5 per second.
While Active:
DEX is increased by 80%
INT is increased by 80%
WIS is increased by 80%
Range: 300 Meters
The Byakugan enable the user while active to see everything around them, within a certain rage. It allows the user to see with such clarity that they can perceive even the chakra systems of any living being within their sight.
Hakkesho Kaiten (Active) [Level: 12 (3.21%)]
Chakra cost: 15/sec
An amazing defense, the user release a constant stream of chakra from each and every one of their Tenketsu forming a dome of spinning chakra around them. "Turn aside all that seeks to assail you, twist around all that would harm you and let the enemy break themselves upon our defense. Let them grind themselves unto dust."
Hakke Rokujuyon Sho (Active) [Level: 12 (51.20%)]
Chakra cost: 80
This technique is a set of serially escalating strikes, each set more intense with double the strikes of the previous. Each set of strikes is done at an exponentially increasing pace and strength. The technique consists of 6 Steps. Beginning with 2 hits for step one. An enemy who takes this entire combo will have the status, 'CHAKRA STASIS' applied, their entire chakra system going into shock.
Hakke Kusho (Active) [Level: 12(1.75%)]
Chakra cost: 15
A simple gesture turn into a deadly technique. A simple palm thrust where the users compresses the air itself into a bullet and send sits careening off into their opponent when the delicate shell of chakra compressing it breaks releasing the compressed air and chakra.
"Hakke Kuhekisho [Level: 12 (11.25%)]
Chakra cost: 20
This technique creates a backlog of chakra in the users arms, the user will continuously 'shove' chakra into the arms in preparation for this technique, when ready they will release it all through their palms, either upon touching an opponent or without, to create a 'wall' of compressed chakra. A single bit of chakra not moving in synch with the rest can cause the entire arm to explode.
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- Location
- Texas
The inner min-maxer in me still chafes at the thought of spending stat points like that.
- Location
- Up on a Hill
Looks good. My only problem is that some parts are vague and unclear. Who were his fans? Are they adults fawning over him? A similar issue was present with the nameless her that The si apparently commented on the hair of. And what was the joke his uncle told? It seemed as though a sentence in that section was accidentally cut out. But other than those two uncertainties, it was a fine introduction to the wartime academy. I'd also recommend trying to edit out some of the grammar errors, but they were far from the worst I've seen in fanfiction. Keep up the good work!
The Uninspired
Sir Terrier
- Location
- Australia, Queensland.
Looks good. My only problem is that some parts are vague and unclear. Who were his fans? Are they adults fawning over him? A similar issue was present with the nameless her that The si apparently commented on the hair of. And what was the joke his uncle told? It seemed as though a sentence in that section was accidentally cut out. But other than those two uncertainties, it was a fine introduction to the wartime academy. I'd also recommend trying to edit out some of the grammar errors, but they were far from the worst I've seen in fanfiction. Keep up the good work!
I DEMAND TO SEE PROOF!
I suppose I should chime in here actually and mention my recent promotion, I'm now the story's Co-Author. You may bow now.
Instead of beta-ing here actually, I was bouncing ideas around and Initially Golum wanted to do a 6 month skip into the year but, I was against it. I wanted to explore what the academy teaches, the instructor, how the Wartime Curriculum is different from the 'regular' curriculum.
Beyond that however, I wanted to flesh out the characters slowly, and to that extent I've actually caused a rather large deviation in Golum's story. He actually had a few chapters more written out but well, I think he agreed with me in the end that writing more of the academy instead of skipping through it could've been a good idea. It'll let us flesh out the SI more too, as an added benefit.
Now, you mention parts that are slightly murky in your description too. If you would like, and you're willing could you quote what you're confused about and I'll tell you what it was in reference too? I also wouldn't mind you point out punctuation / Grammar errors depending on what you meant. Any who, Thanks for reading.
*Scratches head lightly*
Well, I suppose I could field a few questions or assuage some worries y'all might have. Just lemme know if you've got a question you want answered and I'll see what I can do. Any worries or concerns you might have too are easily dealt with if you mention them to me. You can also PM me if you'd prefer to keep them quiet.
Anyway, I'm off to update the Archive and then I'm gonna go finish the damn dishes. I wish I had a dish washing skill of level 75. FML.
The Uninspired
Sir Terrier
- Location
- Australia, Queensland.
Now then, I'll assume yours and Titan's problem stems from up here yes? The quoted article.
I'm actually solely responsible for that being in there, and it was to play upon the regular cliche I spot in Naruto fan fiction's, that Prodigies get 'Fans' who fawn over them. This was meant to be set in a way as to mock it, and something to giggle over.
So essentially, what happened was an older female student saw him, saw how he looked and held himself and went 'Squee'. Only this student was slightly more physical in her err, shall we say inspection of Hiroshi. It's him mocking the whole situation, and no. He doesn't have fans. It was just the most derogatory word I could figure him using against such actions.
The student may show up in future chapters, Maybe. If you're lucky. She'll be the lovable tomboyish nee-san that everyone loves because reasons and plot n' shit. But I don't know. Gotta talk with Golum about it, also we may again still skip the academy in favor of getting out to the war front earlier but that will be after the characters are established first.
And @TitanFrost; It was vague intentionally, also I'd like to point out that the girl, being a tomboyish older nee-san doesn't pay too much attention to her hair. The SI basically commented that a good wash could do her hair some good and she took it the wrong way. It was the reason her 'retribution' got a little physical in the end with cheek pinching. ^.^
That's the point, The sacrifices we make for the greater good and all the other such rot in the same vein. Life in the naruto world doesn't give you a chance sometimes. If he had kept his points to himself the clan would've noticed immediately that he wasn't improving and either ridden him harder or discarded him as a 'disgraced' prodigy.
Life isn't fair, and it never will be. A few points here possibly saves his standing in the clan, and even secures his future as a 'prodigy' in the clan. Yay.
- Location
- Texas
Not really. I mean, the multipliers in most of his skills keep going up as he increases them, so it's not like he would have had zero growth. I guess what I'm really upset about is that he can't grind stats, except maybe at the academy? Thing I saw someone say that earlier.
EvilPorygon
Cookie Monster
- Location
- a phone
I'd like to see some more glimpses of the older student because I'm a total sucker for lovable tomboyish nee-sans
It'll flesh out the academy phase and give Hiroshi a bit more variety in social interaction, I suppose. He will probably graduate earlier than her though.
It'll flesh out the academy phase and give Hiroshi a bit more variety in social interaction, I suppose. He will probably graduate earlier than her though.
Meme aside, if you're writing a story in English, just straight up replace the Japanese suffixes with an English convention. And, for the love of god, do not pepper Japanese phrases into the text.
- Location
- Up on a Hill
@The Uninspired
@Golum936
I wrote up my previous comment on my phone. It would have been to inconvenient at the time to find and quote everything I mentioned through mobile, but since The Uninspired has requested I bring up the specific instances I had problems with I have booted up my laptop to write something more comprehensive.
Addendum: I see a response to to the fan issue has been posted. I won't change what I have written below that much, as I still think what I have written will be helpful, but know that I have seen your response.
In this quoted snippet the uncle apparently cracks a joke, but I can't figure out what it was supposed to be. Though not quoted above, it was also somewhat unclear what the two gate guards did to prompt this retaliatory joke. Perhaps I'm just missing something, so I would appreciate it if you could explain what this passage was meant to convey. Assuming I am not missing something obvious though, this section could use some added clarification as to what is going on.
In this quoted snippet, it is described how the SI views the fans he finds himself in contact with. It does not, however, explain who these fans are and it only gives a general description of their various behaviors. The section I have bolded in the quote above talks about a "her" that comes out of nowhere and is never brought up again. In the response you recently posted you reveal that this is an older, tomboyish girl who is the fan the rest of the snippet refers to, but none of that information is even vaguely hinted at in this chapter. I believe it would be beneficial for you to add that information in.
I have also included your first mention of Kakashi above, to highlight how abrupt the transition to him is. No indication is given that the SI noticed another student or met someone he didn't recognize immediately. It simply jumps straight to "It was Hatake Kakashi, only chibi" with no adequate build up. It would only really take one extra sentence to fix this, something like "As I approached my classroom, I saw a figure waiting outside the door". That's just an example, I would not suggest you use that specifically, but you get the idea.
I know you also asked me to point out the grammar errors I mentioned, but I honestly don't have the patience to comb through this like an actual editor. I'm a very slow writer. What you see written here I started writing after you posted to request it. Sorry that I won't be pointing those out, but I don't have that much time or drive. I'll give you one example though. "Even after all those years I'm still not used to looking into the mirror and seeing another's face, don't forget the freaky eyes" is the second sentence of this chapter and it already has a few errors in it. It should be written closer to "Even after all these years I'm still not used to looking into the mirror and seeing someone else's face, let alone the freaky eyes". Changing those to these and don't forget to let alone were the actual grammar errors, while changing another's to someone else's is just a change I thought made this sentence flow better.
I hope this helps you guys out and I am sorry it took so long to write. I've never contributed this much to helping out in a story thread before, so feel free to suggest any ways I could more effectively offer feedback. Good luck with the changes you're making to the timeskip!
@Golum936
I wrote up my previous comment on my phone. It would have been to inconvenient at the time to find and quote everything I mentioned through mobile, but since The Uninspired has requested I bring up the specific instances I had problems with I have booted up my laptop to write something more comprehensive.
Addendum: I see a response to to the fan issue has been posted. I won't change what I have written below that much, as I still think what I have written will be helpful, but know that I have seen your response.
In this quoted snippet the uncle apparently cracks a joke, but I can't figure out what it was supposed to be. Though not quoted above, it was also somewhat unclear what the two gate guards did to prompt this retaliatory joke. Perhaps I'm just missing something, so I would appreciate it if you could explain what this passage was meant to convey. Assuming I am not missing something obvious though, this section could use some added clarification as to what is going on.
In this quoted snippet, it is described how the SI views the fans he finds himself in contact with. It does not, however, explain who these fans are and it only gives a general description of their various behaviors. The section I have bolded in the quote above talks about a "her" that comes out of nowhere and is never brought up again. In the response you recently posted you reveal that this is an older, tomboyish girl who is the fan the rest of the snippet refers to, but none of that information is even vaguely hinted at in this chapter. I believe it would be beneficial for you to add that information in.
I have also included your first mention of Kakashi above, to highlight how abrupt the transition to him is. No indication is given that the SI noticed another student or met someone he didn't recognize immediately. It simply jumps straight to "It was Hatake Kakashi, only chibi" with no adequate build up. It would only really take one extra sentence to fix this, something like "As I approached my classroom, I saw a figure waiting outside the door". That's just an example, I would not suggest you use that specifically, but you get the idea.
I know you also asked me to point out the grammar errors I mentioned, but I honestly don't have the patience to comb through this like an actual editor. I'm a very slow writer. What you see written here I started writing after you posted to request it. Sorry that I won't be pointing those out, but I don't have that much time or drive. I'll give you one example though. "Even after all those years I'm still not used to looking into the mirror and seeing another's face, don't forget the freaky eyes" is the second sentence of this chapter and it already has a few errors in it. It should be written closer to "Even after all these years I'm still not used to looking into the mirror and seeing someone else's face, let alone the freaky eyes". Changing those to these and don't forget to let alone were the actual grammar errors, while changing another's to someone else's is just a change I thought made this sentence flow better.
I hope this helps you guys out and I am sorry it took so long to write. I've never contributed this much to helping out in a story thread before, so feel free to suggest any ways I could more effectively offer feedback. Good luck with the changes you're making to the timeskip!
