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Harry Potter and the Skittering Spouse

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Could make it so house elves cant hide from other house elves? Like an unknown house elf trying to teleport in where a different one is located or linked to as their 'home' just doesnt work, they'll be stopped every time. 'Home field advantage'?

Then it could still see use for certain families but is more of an advantage for the rich than the spunky rebels.
 
I agree with the sentiment that enslaved house elves are forbidden from harming their masters intentionally. Also, they are generally positively disposed toward people. Like, Dumbledore values level of unwilling to kill people.

So Taylor tries to get a house elf to deliver murder packages and the house elf gets horrified and offended. Or gets warned off of doing it because of psychological harm to the house elf. Just because they are capable of exterminating the wizarding population foods not mean they are willing or interested in the attempt.
 
Fencer said:
invent some reason why they can't just do that
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Well, with the addition of The Lady of the Lake? You've already introduced the Fey (and no, not Fay), so you could easily slip in some restrictions on the House Elves that way.

Something as simple as guest rights preventing them from hurting the people of the places they go to could fit right in. Like this... they can teleport through wards and such due to their magic focusing on being helpful and not hurting others. Their magic could just give them a free invitation into places. Guest Rights I believe it's called?

You could go the route of them being related to Brownies, and thus their magic is just a bit odd like that. Maybe their entire race swore some kind of oath in the past. There are all kinds of options if you just turn off your logic for a bit and start thinking like a Fey. I swear it'll only taste like purple every third Tuesday.
 
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Fencer said:
house elves refuse to kill humans as mater of principal maybe?
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Or they just don't see carrying packages to people to be 'house elf work'. House elves clean houses and take care of families. That's it. They don't even show up to defend Hogwarts in the final battle IIRC despite Dobby being able to throw Lucius Malfoy around with ease in book 2. House elves just don't fight. Dobby extracts Harry and friends from Malfoy Manor in book 7, but he doesn't actually do much attacking.

xbox432 said:
You could go the route of them being related to Brownies, and thus their magic is just a bit odd like that. Maybe their entire race swore some kind of oath in the past. Their are all kinds of options if you just turn off your logic for a bit and start thinking like a Fey. I swear it'll only taste like purple every third Tuesday.
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Or this yes. Fae stuff always is confusing and makes total sense as a reason they'd be unwilling/unable to do that. I could see Taylor figuring out a way to get them to do it without them knowing about it though- maybe by asking them to add a binary poison to a families sugar and salt or something? Something that would not be very scalable if the house elves got suspicious from too many families they visited dropping dead, but something she could use as a surgical strike occasionally.
 
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kklusmeier said:
Or this yes. Fae stuff always is confusing and makes total sense as a reason they'd be unwilling/unable to do that. I could see Taylor figuring out a way to get them to do it without them knowing about it though- maybe by asking them to add a binary poison to a families sugar and salt or something? Something that would not be very scalable if the house elves got suspicious from too many families they visited dropping dead, but something she could use as a surgical strike occasionally.
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tell them to add almonds to this person's every meal and drink? i think if you eat enough almonds it becomes poison in you
 
tri2 said:
tell them to add almonds to this person's every meal and drink? i think if you eat enough almonds it becomes poison in you
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You're thinking of cyanide which is alleged to smell like bitter almonds. There are a few seeds that contain potentially dangerous amounts of cyanide; apple seeds and peach pits come to mind but modern almonds have pretty much had the cyanide bred out of them. Of course, wizards might use heirloom strains that still contain detectable cyanide, but I'm not sure that's anything Taylor would think of.
 
If I was a powerful wizard who was writing/crafting the contract/spell/whatever to bind the House Elves as 'servants' (slaves) for all of time, I would build safety measures into the very spellwork. For example: they would be physically incapable of harming a human except in defense of humans, and would be incapable of killing a human period.

This would explain why Dobby was able to use violence against Lucius - Malfoy Sr was threatening harm to a human, so Dobby could use violence to defend Harry. It would also explain why he was able to harm Harry - to protect him - and how Kreacher was able to lead the Hogwarts Elves in defense of the school.

And it would make it impossible for Taylor to use the Elves offensively. Set them up with weapons and orders to protect people? Sure. Tell them to start the fight? "Sorry Misus Taylor, but we's not being able to be doings that."

EDIT: It could also be pathological to the point of mentally damaging for a House Elf to harm a human. Taylor is Warlord Mode, so she still hates hurting people, and it's pretty hard to justify hurting a slaved Elf just because it's the easiest way to achieve the goal. She'd sooner take the risk and kill people herself instead.
 
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Oh, come on folks! I'm sure this has been dealt with before in other stories. House elves aren't assassins because they can't be. In the same way they have to obey wizards (to the point of self-harm / killing themselves). They can't attack their master. They can't seriously attack other wizards, either. Plainly the wizards helped create that system or set in in place or exploited someone else's old system, or something like that, and nobody's worried about it since then. (Problem solved! Let's enjoy our new slaves and toddle off to be stupid and ignorant.) As for why Dobby could snap Lucious Malfoy into a wall -- well, it was to protect Harry. And he didn't kill Malfoy, just bruised him.

Ah, I see I have been ninja'd.
 
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Mecharic said:
EDIT: It could also be pathological to the point of mentally damaging for a House Elf to harm a human. Taylor is Warlord Mode, so she still hates hurting people, and it's pretty hard to justify hurting a slaved Elf just because it's the easiest way to achieve the goal. She'd sooner take the risk and kill people herself instead.
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or just tell them to drop off packages for her with timed bombs inside without telling the house elf what they are carrying?
 
Fencer said:
She would think of it pretty quickly which is in fact the problem.
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Have Taylor try to get Fawkes to deliver bombs first, and have Fawkes reaction be enough to discourage Taylor from ever trying again (maybe turn it into a noodle incident, where we never find out just what Fawkes did, but it was enough to give Taylor the shivers).
 
tri2 said:
or just tell them to drop off packages for her with timed bombs inside without telling the house elf what they are carrying?
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The issue is that they'd probably find out, and finding out they were tricked by someone they trusted into killing someone else, well, it would probably be even worse than ordering them to do so knowing the damage it could cause. Also, Taylor would never be that cruel. Remember, this is Warlord Taylor, the girl who put her all into saving Dinah simply because it was the right thing to do, who set up an orphanage, who fought the 9 to protect people. Weaver may have been willing to destroy the minds of a few Elves if it got the job done, but Skitter would sooner take the burden and the risk than endanger anyone else.
 
Windborne said:
why most Fics discount it as some bizarre series of events perpetrated by potions
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I wouldn't say most fics. [jk] Just most of the good ones. [/jk]
Fencer said:
And guns. And poison. And venom.
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[jk] And some dynamite. and caltrops. And CS grenades. And acid. And a flame-thrower. And maybe a bit of thioacetone. [/jk]
Winter_Holiday said:
I agree with the sentiment that enslaved house elves are forbidden from harming their masters intentionally.
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[jk] Taylor comes storming in, yelling something about "if only there were some free house elves I could get in touch with!"
Harry: "Dobby's a free elf."
Taylor: "Really?!? Can you get in contact with him? I need his help with something." [/jk]
 
Mecharic said:
The issue is that they'd probably find out, and finding out they were tricked by someone they trusted into killing someone else, well, it would probably be even worse than ordering them to do so knowing the damage it could cause. Also, Taylor would never be that cruel. Remember, this is Warlord Taylor, the girl who put her all into saving Dinah simply because it was the right thing to do, who set up an orphanage, who fought the 9 to protect people. Weaver may have been willing to destroy the minds of a few Elves if it got the job done, but Skitter would sooner take the burden and the risk than endanger anyone else.
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*Taylor decides not to scar the elves by dropping dangerous packages*
*elves sigh in relief*
*Taylor tells them to drop her off instead*
*Elves PANIK!*
 
Back to the original question, about crafting armor. As I recall, a person killed by an AK didn't have their robe or shirt blasted open. There was no "gunshot wound" equivalent for their clothes. Likewise, armor doesn't protect you from an AK. BUT, Dumbledore frequently blocked Voldie's AK shots with animated object, flying stone, things like that. (Is this correct, or is my mind hopelessly muddled by fan stories?)

If all of those suppositions and situations are correct, then we're fine. The AK spell doesn't kill through physical wounds, it drives the soul out of your body. Clearly this form of soul magic doesn't intersect with physical damage or physical protection, any more than plate mail would protect you from mustard gas. Perhaps it only needs to touch your aura or something (which would explain Dumbledore's block -- the shield was outside his aura). In any case, anti-AK armor is probably not in the cards. Too much research needed.

But the AK isn't the only threat. There are blasting curses, cutting curses, plenty of lesser jinxes. Step one is to learn the threats. Taylor is familiar with guns -- the one threat she won't be facing. She needs to get some tutoring on the most likely attacks, and then she needs to run some research on how to stop them. Good starting points (most of which have been previously mentioned):
  • Spider silk (pro: available in near-infinite quantities)
  • Basilisk shed skin (con: thin & ?flimsy? pro: lots and lots of the stuff)
  • Blast-ended skrewt shells
  • Chitin (spider and other)
  • Asking Fred & George for tanning/hardening/conditioning agents
  • Research: can runes or enchantments help?
  • Commerce research: Could trades be arranged (Mrs. Malkin, for example) to swap spider-silk cloth for the enchantments cast on high-end robes?
  • Auror research: What do they use?
I forsee layered cloth armor -- silk/shed skin/silk/harder chitin or the like, setting up multiple variants so spell-lobbers can go target practice on them. See what holds up. Whatever wins needs to be light and help with mobility, because the Death snackers seem fond of unblockable curses, so dodging will always be a high priority.

THE BIGGER ISSUES is one of OFFENSE. Clearly, Taylor isn't scary because of her guns or her attitude (though both will help). She can use those damn insects. So what can wizards do to enhance a bug... or two... or twenty... or a swarm. A thousand acromantulas is pretty good, but only effective near the forbidden forest. What other magical insects (and arachnids) are there? Do spells and potions help, maybe allowing them to light on fire, or carrying sleeping poison on their legs, or filling space to prevent empty air and thus disabling aparation, or chewing through wooden wands, or using bug senses to detect magic or magical auras or something.

Lots of research will be needed.
 
not really? all she needs is a single moleskin pouch and she can have an entire swarm at all times, and all the combat spells (except for flamethrower like ones or stone throwing ones) can be blocked with simply a mass of insects getting in the way. her offense is fine, shoving bugs into their lungs and biting them with venomous spiders.
 
Right, so Taylor + Potterverse = Skitter'd

So, what can't Taylor just Skitter to death? She could probably conquer the Ministry, but what about the ICW? Maybe she could try helping the magicals through the inevitable "and now the muggles know how shit you are, and they're stuck between horrified awe and disappointed laughter" that will come with the rise of the modern age? Or we could just have her heal (mentally) for a while and then suddenly SCION.
 
Why would she even need to send bombs via elves anyway? Every single one of her targets is muggle-hating and don't consider them a serious threat, so she could just send them bog standard nonmagical mail bombs via owl mail and take out basically everyone she can send a letter to who opens it... which is everyone in the wizarding world since there's no way canonically to block owl mail IIRC and there's no way to detect nonmagical explosives via magic. The only person I can think of who wouldn't die from this would be Moody, and that's because he's paranoid and wouldn't open it himself and because he has a magic eye that can literally see through the package coupled with what seems to be a pretty decent understanding of the muggle world.
 
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kklusmeier said:
Why would she even need to send bombs via elves anyway? Every single one of her targets is muggle-hating and don't consider them a serious threat, so she could just send them bog standard nonmagical mail bombs via owl mail and take out basically everyone she can send a letter to who opens it... which is everyone in the wizarding world since there's no way canonically to block owl mail IIRC and there's no way to detect nonmagical explosives via magic. The only person I can think of who wouldn't die from this would be Moody, and that's because he's paranoid and wouldn't open it himself and because he has a magic eye that can literally see through the package coupled with what seems to be a pretty decent understanding of the muggle world.
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bombing owls
bombing elves
bombing acromantulas
bombing everythings!
add in bits of basilisk fangs/venom into the bombs for further chaos
 
House Elves are a Known Problem in HP fanfiction, as their demonstrated capabilities are substantial and yet apparently literally no-one ever uses them for anything other than basic housekeeping. This is because, much like Time Turners, House Elves are a result of Rowling adding an element into the story for purely narrative reasons and just not bothering to consider the wider consequences of that element in the setting as a whole. As such, even a quick thonk can easily come up with dozens of ways to use a House Elf or two to easily solve pretty much the entire plot in about ten minutes flat.

The only real ways to get around this are to either ignore canon entirely regarding what House Elves can do, tie yourself into knots explaining why House Elves can't do things that they are outright shown to do in canon ('Dobby is insane by House Elf standards, normal Elves would never attack a Wizard even though they theoreticcally could' is the most common way of doing this that I've seen), or just declare that wizards are fucking stupid and ignore House Elves out of prejudice.

e:
kklusmeier said:
Why would she even need to send bombs via elves anyway? Every single one of her targets is muggle-hating and don't consider them a serious threat, so she could just send them bog standard nonmagical mail bombs via owl mail and take out basically everyone she can send a letter to who opens it... which is everyone in the wizarding world since there's no way canonically to block owl mail IIRC and there's no way to detect nonmagical explosives via magic. The only person I can think of who wouldn't die from this would be Moody, and that's because he's paranoid and wouldn't open it himself and because he has a magic eye that can literally see through the package coupled with what seems to be a pretty decent understanding of the muggle world.
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Owls can be intercepted through the basic method of 'see owl, intercept owl', and in 5th year Hogwarts instituted a policy of inspecting all Owl Mail instead of letting students just receive it in the Great Hall etc, which implies that it is possible to block or redirect Postbirds, as otherwise they should have just kept delivering things straight to people as they are shown to do throughout the books.

The fact that Hedwig was easily able to locate Sirius while he was on the run while Aurors could not, and that apparently no-one ever thought to send Sirius Black a letter and just follow the Owl, suggests that this is yet another of Rowling's many 'I didn't think the consequences of this existing through' moments.

Rowling did 'answer' this in an FAQ, but, well:

J.K. Rowling Official Site FAQ said:
Q: In 'Prisoner of Azkaban', why couldn't the Ministry of Magic have sent Sirius an owl, and then followed it, to find him?
A: Just as wizards can make buildings unplottable, they can also make themselves untraceable. Voldemort would have been found long ago if it had been as simple as sending him an owl!
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Which does not actually answer anything, nor does it explain how Hedwig could find Sirius when everyone else could not.
 
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Fencer said:
house elves refuse to kill humans as mater of principal maybe?
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I feel like they would be far more concerned with the houses themselves than the humans. They are pathologically against messes and an exploded room or house is one hell of a mess.

Yes house elves like to clean, but I've never seen them make more work for themselves. I think they would be violently opposed to making something dirty.
 
The problem with putting Warlord Skitter in HP is simply that Voldie isn't in her class of fighter. Yeah, sure he's powerful as hell, but his tactics and strategies are sub par at best.

If he was any ordinary wizard, he'd never have gotten half as far as he did.

Drop a Canon Skitter on him, and he's going to be dead, again and again until he runs out of horcruxes.

No, Skitter's challenge in HP is in trying to change the wizard world, something Harry, Hermione and all their friends failed at, according to that damned epilogue.

Harry's not going to let her warlord all over the ministry, nor can she change minds permanently with her swarms...

Not and be allowed back in the country, anyway.

Watching Skitter try to deal with Fudge without bugs will be hilarious for those of us on this side of the fourth wall.
 
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