Missy rolled her eyes as the assembly began, only to gasp when she saw Impulse come out.
She nudged the girl next to her, hissing "Holy shit, this is going to be good."
"Hey, kids! I'm Impulse, and I'm here today to talk to you about drugs."
Impulse waved around a little stack of cards. "They made me write down what I was going to say, but I think I can remember, so eh."
Missy stared in awe as he just… stuck the cards in his pocket.
"Winners don't do meth." Impulse said, fussing with something on the podium. "This is totally proven with science, because you know who did Meth? Hitler!"
A picture of Hitler, looking tired and washed out. Appeared on the projector.
Missy gaped in shock at the sheer audacity, as nervous titters came from the other students.
"That's right, kids, Hitler didn't just do meth, he had super-special Nazi mad science meth, and a dedicated doctor to make it and everything! He had the best meth Reich science could procure, and he still lost! Shot himself in a hole in the ground."
"Now, a bunch of Hitler's friends also did drugs, and they lost too! I'm trying to get my friend Lilac to help me with a book about losers in history like that, but I think the marketing people are unhappy about it for reasons, and the PR lady off to the side is glaring at me so no more Nazis!"
Impulse leaned forward, looking about the crowd with an exaggerated, conspiratorial expression.
"Now, let's talk about other drugs!"
"See the thing with drugs is, street drugs are, like, so icky. Would you buy a sandwich from a sketchy guy in a back alley? Or, I don't know, moisturizer or a milkshake? No, that's gross, you don't know what's in there. No matter how awesome they can be when you get the good stuff, problem is that—hey, I'm not done!"
But the adults were already pulling him away from the podium, as the audience burst into applause.
Note:
Fic recommendations!
An Everdistant Horizon, by AISmash. Tense thriller with lots of politics and espionage. You don't need to know any of the cross-overs.
AO3 FFN SB SV
The Weaver's Web, by Fabius Maximus, is about to start a new "book". The prior book was an excellent EB battle. It's looking like the next book we're going to see Taylor go biblical wrath of god on some very deserving Nazis…
