"That. Was a six hour lesson." Waver Velvet, the former Lord El-Melloi II, Professor of the El-Melloi Class and now-and-forever Lady Reines El-Melloi Archisortie's man-bitch, sighs heavily and then takes a long sip from a piping hot cup of earl grey, a cup so hot his glasses fog over immediately and a sip so long that the King of Britain next to him has enough time to finish her cup of green tea and pour a new one before he's finished.
It was a rather large cup he had. And he has many grievances to air. Mostly about her charge and goddaughter.
Arturia Pendragon, an experienced hand at managing such dramatic bitchery, does not bat an eyelid as she takes the earl grey teapot and refills his cup for him. "That bad, huh? I can sympathise. I tried to teach that girl english composition for three years."
"She at least thinks english is an important life skill. Her english is comprehensible - for a japanese girl."
"You woefully underestimate how much she wants to be a magical superhero, and you greatly overestimate how much effort it took to teach her the difference between 'your' and 'you're'." Saber takes a long sip from her teacup this time, though it is not as long as the Professor's. She's not nearly so dramatic, after all. "And her english is impeccable how dare you." Arturia sniffs. "She even has a slight british accent."
"...A strange thing to be proud of, but okay." Waver Velvet looks at his reflection in the tea, and his sigh causes ripples in its surface. "She understands so much on the surface level. She has a good memory and strong cognitive abilities, but she struggles when it comes to the metaphorical. Which, when concerning mystical matters, is a problem."
"It can't be that bad."
"She told me that swords were sharp metal objects used as weapons by various cultures that may or may not have been adapted from farming implements, and were objectively speaking the best sort of weapon because they couldn't be used for other purposes. Which, besides being objectively false, shows a stunning lack of depth to her thought process."
Saber sucks on her teeth. "That is quite bad. But in my experience, you need to adjust your own paradigms when it comes to Kana. She struggles when given her own framework because she's so solidly talented in most regards… which teaches her a lot of easy shortcuts which undermine the actual learning outcomes. Most likely, Kana has already internalised the basics of magecraft, which affect her ability to wrap her mind around the more esoteric mindset that she needs to invent new magecraft for herself."
Waver looks at her. He nods, and in a matter of moments has a pen and notebook out, scribbled with notes. Saber hums as he writes everything down, pleased as an educator to help another - and smug as a King to have gotten one up over Rider's Master. "Mm… So I will need to break her preconceptions somehow before I can teach her. Tiresome, but necessary. Why is it always the prodigies who give the most trouble?"
"Because you only teach prodigies, Lord El-Melloi II."
"Saber, please. I relinquished that title ten years ago."
"Perhaps," the King of Britain says. "But to those you've touched, you will always be Lord El-Melloi II. How many of your students still call you that?"
"...More than a few." A little bitter, the Professor looks at Saber's tea. "How can you stand drinking that bitter swill?"
Arturia groans. "We are not having this conversation again, Waver Velvet. Green Tea has antioxidant properties. It is healthy."
"So is Earl Grey. It aids in digestion. Though I suppose your stomach needs no assistance."
Saber's tummy roars like a dragon. The King herself is unbowed, though she twitches in place as blood rushes to her cheeks. But only for a moment. "It is dinnertime, Waver Velvet. There is no shame in feeling hungry at dinnertime."
"I've seen you eat. There is much to be shameful of."
"You dare."
"Now now, settle down." Archer arrives, as ever an angel of comforts and mediation, and sets down a grill platter before Saber's eyes. A small robot slides over with fish and chips for the Professor not long after, before any protest can be made. The King, her hunger answered, digs in with dignity. The joy on her face with every bite turns infectious; everyone eating can't help but feel satisfied with their meal.
Now, watching from a distance, Waver Velvet cannot help but think of another student of his. An assistant with a heavy burden to bear, one she struggles to carry even now. And because of the King next to him, intentionally or not. He sighs, thinking back to their own adventures, solving magical mishaps like the office gopher, always thinking back to the 'whydunnit'.
...The why, huh?
"Archer." The Counter Guardian looks over with a blank expression. "Tell me, why do you think Kana insists on avoiding her magic?"
Archer nods, catching on quickly. "The image of her spellcasting is ultimately me. Which is stupid. I am the opposite of the ideal magus." He raises an eyebrow. "Do you want my help in shattering her preconceptions? Pardon my intrusion, but I did overhear your conversation with Saber."
Waver shakes his head. "It would be of great benefit to her. She needs to understand that her paradigm, the whydunnit of her magecraft, is flawed - and only then can she create something properly suited for her."
Archer nods. "Then I shall bring her tomorrow."
"Excellent. You have my thanks, Archer."
Saber, feeling competitive, huffs. "And yet, without my insight into her learning mindset, you would have never come to this conclusion at all. So where are my thanks, Waver Velvet?"
He sighs.
----
"I will begin my thesis thusly: Swords are stupid. They have no inherent meaning. All they do is kill and kill and kill. They are worthless tools whose only purpose is to destroy. That is all they are. That is all they will ever be. All meaning ascribed to the sword is virtual, as meaningless as broken promises. They are the weapon equivalent of a one-trick pony with no redeeming qualities save for how thoroughly they debase themselves in trying to perform their singular trick."
As Archer continues his spiel, his expression never changing yet his presence growing more severe, Waver cannot help but wonder if he's made a mistake. Ritsuka, who has been slowly inching away since the start of this makeup lesson, is already at the door. Mashu, who is not so wise, is listening with rapt attention and growing horror. D'Eon has already dematerialised and left. And Kana, the focus of today's lesson, has the sort of expression one would make after losing all the joy in their life.
...That is to say, Archer's expression.
"A-Archer, what about… What about Excalibur? It's a sword with lots of meaning!"
He gives her an unreadable look. "Ask Saber what Excalibur does on its own, and she will tell you it kills. Whether a man or a fortress, it simply destroys. That is all."
"B-But you're a sword!" She sobs.
"And I'm stupid." He tilts his head. "I thought that was clear. Swords are stupid, Kana. They have no meaning. So--"
Kana screams and breaks down, sobbing inconsolably. Ritsuka, whose hand was already on the doorknob and ready to escape, rushes over to comfort her while Mashu runs out to get something nice.
"--You need to make your own meaning, because nothing matters, so you have to make it matter." Archer blinks. "Was it something I said?"
"YES!" Ritsuka roars. "God dammit Archer she's crying now! Get out!"
Archer pauses. "I'm sorry I'm stupid."
"I'M SORRY I'M STUPID!" Kana wails.
"I SAID GET OUT!"
He bows and dematerialises. Waver sighs.
Well, hopefully it teaches her something.
----
"So Kana told me she's giving up on magecraft entirely," Saber tells him later at night. A kebab skewer in hand, she looks at Waver significantly before taking a bite. "What did Archer tell her?"
"Swords are stupid and meaningless, apparently."
"Mm. That's not good. I was actually expecting him to bribe her." Saber takes another skewer and considers it briefly, meat juices dripping down the stick. "You need to restore her faith in magic. Failing that, you need to terrify her into understanding that magic is the only thing that can help her now. I recommend bringing up the Kaleidosticks."
"...The Wizard Marshall's failed project?" Waver shakes his head. "That's just cruel and unusual."
"Mm." Saber says nothing, for she feasts. "Well, then this is out of my dollhouse, as they say."
Well. That's helpful.
"I've been extremely helpful that do you mean?" Saber tut-tuts at Waver. "Alas, if you truly are lost, I can talk to her."
This might end poorly as well, Waver thinks. But what the hell, everything might. "Please do. For her sake."