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Exploding Canon (Worm SI)

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Ghoul King said:
I have doubts an ABB gang member would toss any kind of explosive at Lung, even Ackbar's Completely Safe Child-Friendly Explosive, Bakuda Assures You.
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Then do it yourself and claim sleep deprivation.

Ghoul King said:
I've seen with surprising frequency pairs and trios of identical/near-identical vehicles go passing by all across the country. It's unusual, but not super-duper unusual.
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True, but it's attention getting in my neck of the woods.

Ghoul King said:
However, certainly, walking/running is not nearly as effective as cloneporting by line-of-sight.
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Wait, hang on

Whoops, thought you'd hamstrung THEN hocked into a cell. NVM then, makes a bit more sense about his escape.
 
Ghoul King said:
I find it looks clunky and awkward and artificially "lengthens" the chapter, making it seem like there's a lot of substance where there isn't. I prefer paragraphs to be a subject change where possible, or cut them up when they get too long if they linger on a single subject for too long.
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It might do so... But for clarity, it helps.
 
Yeah my only complaint with this story is the Not starting a new paragraph when people are speaking. It doesn't look like you're artificially stretching out the chapter, trust me that's all in your head. Much like the gnomes with eye scoops will be if you continue to do so.
 
Ghoul King said:
Early canon has some references to "henching" that never really crop up again, I tend to take that as an indication that there was a major concept/tone shift to the setting -early Worm seems to have intended to be a lot more stereotypical of a superhero story, and a bit more lighthearted than it ended up being, the kind of thing where I could almost see Henchco being a part of the setting
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Actually that's probably correct, those lines seem to be leftovers from Myriad, where "Minions" was the name of an actual Winslow gang, who were hiring themselves out to various capes.
 
Night_stalker said:
Then do it yourself and claim sleep deprivation.
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Then Oni Lee stabs you, then detonates a time bomb, and depending on what kind of time bomb either leaving you trapped in constant agony until the time bomb runs out or traveling into the future. Then you die. I think any plan that kills Lung needs to be after Oni Lee is dealt with.
 
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Alterego9 said:
Actually that's probably correct, those lines seem to be leftovers from Myriad, where "Minions" was the name of an actual Winslow gang, who were hiring themselves out to various capes.
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Oh hey, I didn't know about that at all. I mean, I know of Myriad, but I've never been able to make myself read it because it's painful to read it. Neat how that supports that hypothesis of mine.

Draton said:
Yeah my only complaint with this story is the Not starting a new paragraph when people are speaking. It doesn't look like you're artificially stretching out the chapter, trust me that's all in your head. Much like the gnomes with eye scoops will be if you continue to do so.
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FinalPyre said:
Yeah. Especially the first part of the chapter is getting rather close to being a "wall of text".
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Biigoh said:
It might do so... But for clarity, it helps.
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Adjusted then.

I still think it's ugly and reduces clarity, but I'm willing to give it a shot.
 
See now the gnomes are sad, for you have put them out of a job. All they want to do is collect the eyes of grammar sinners! Why must you put them out of a job? Sadness.


But FRSRSLY it looks way better. I still don't know how you think it reduces clarity as I can tell much MUCH easier who's speaking.
 
Ghoul King said:
... considering adding it to cannon.
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:D
Do whatever you want with it, it's a gift. If you want, tell me any parts that don't quite work and I'll see if I can edit them.

As for the hamstringing thing, I figured that the first bit the pain hasn't fully hit. I don't know what hamstringing feels like, but sometimes pain can take awhile to really make itself obvious, doubly so while distracted and used to ignoring pain. Her shuffling around is more in response to the 'leg feels off' than any pain. When she realises he is there is when the pain really hits, and in part contributes to the 'I am so fucked' that leads to the 'blow it all up' plan.

I am really happy I got that part right. I have always considered that one of the primary signs of someone knowing they are in a coil-split. Along with your personality so far, it seemed like a safe assumption to make.

Also, question. I included a really dark and messed up easter egg near the start of the snip, just wondering if I made it too subtle. It's a thought on Coil's methods, and why he really isn't someone to empathize with.

Ghoul King said:
... only using a new paragraph for a new subject
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While I can totally see how this makes sense, and even agree that this works for this story, here is a writing trick.

Paragraph spacing influences pacing.

When people encounter a dense series of paragraphs, the speed at which their eyes travel down the page slows. In their brains, this correlates to how fast the action is happening in the story itself. If they start encountering single lines, they start to speed down the page, and the action seems to whip by, making everything seem fast passed and dynamic. Using these two tricks, a writer can control how the reader feels during a story. The action can be purely mental, a sudden realisation, or a struggle against some unwanted emotion, but the writer can still make it feel gripping and dynamic.

As well, having either uniform paragraphs one after the other, and having large walls of text make reading harder. Too many too big paragraphs and the reading slows down until the reader just can't be bothered to read, or is struggling to read.

Changing up the size of the paragraphs helps the reader flow through the story, as the shorter lines give momentum, and the longer ones substance.

It is still possible to keep paragraphs to one subject, you just have to separate the subjects into smaller pieces. Don't do that for everything in this last segment though, it works perfectly. She's bored, and time is dragging on, but she is looking for something to distract herself with. This translates to the actual reading perfectly.

Edit: and I have been imp'd, alas, what a cruel world. But it does look better.
 
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Ghoul King said:
Oh hey, I didn't know about that at all. I mean, I know of Myriad, but I've never been able to make myself read it because it's painful to read it. Neat how that supports that hypothesis of mine.
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Myriad's writing quality is painful, but it's pretty fun to read.

In some ways it's like bad fanfiction, like when Taylor just goes straight to the Wards and bumps into Sophia out of costume, or when L̶i̶s̶a̶ Amara randomly shows up at Winslow for exposition, but then there are also times where it's just randomly and unnecessarily off, with lines like

Both of my parents came to the door at the same time. "Taylor Jane Abbot! Where have you been!?"
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Or

Two weeks. Then I went back to class, and they showed me no more mercy than they did before. Bitches." I caught myself and looked around. "Our Bitch is in school, and she wouldn't bat an eye if she heard you saying the B-word, anyways," Grue said
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CovertCloud said:
:D
Do whatever you want with it, it's a gift. If you want, tell me any parts that don't quite work and I'll see if I can edit them.
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Arright then. Canonized now.

EDIT: And 2.1 slightly adjusted to bring it in line with the Interlude.

As for the hamstringing thing, I figured that the first bit the pain hasn't fully hit. I don't know what hamstringing feels like, but sometimes pain can take awhile to really make itself obvious, doubly so while distracted and used to ignoring pain. Her shuffling around is more in response to the 'leg feels off' than any pain. When she realises he is there is when the pain really hits, and in part contributes to the 'I am so fucked' that leads to the 'blow it all up' plan.
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As I said, I've never been hamstrung, but my understanding is that A: it hurts and B: the foot is instantly incapable of supporting weight -hence why hamstringing is an effective disabling tool/a metaphor for severely impairing things.

Also, question. I included a really dark and messed up easter egg near the start of the snip, just wondering if I made it too subtle. It's a thought on Coil's methods, and why he really isn't someone to empathize with.
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Eh, didn't catch anything.

Stuff to feedback now. Mostly spelling errors, but there's a couple bits that aren't.

Amatures
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Amateurs.

He quickly created another split, and shunted the pain onto one of the two Coils'
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An apostrophe after an S being used for plurals is for possessive: "These two own this". In this case there's no need for an apostrophe.

Lack of oxygen to the parts of his brain that anchored his powers, and the timeline failed.
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Honestly, Coil is probably familiar with the Corona Pollentia and Corona Gemma. He'd probably think "Lack of oxygen to the Coronas Pollentia and Gemma" or something.

His lockpicking tools, switchblade, and lighter where all there, good.
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Were. Where is for location, were is for past. You also use it for "They were rather sparse" shortly afterward, and... really, control+s for "where' and you'll find a lot of cases where it's being used where "were" should be used.

With slippery finger, he managed to grasp it, and after taking a moment to steady his nerves, yanked.
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Missing the s in fingers.

He was three feet away when a single beep pierced the silence, and the timeline dropped.
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Actual factual slipup: it was specified as 30 feet. Bakuda be paranoid, yo.

Whatever the epiphany was, it caused her to reach over to a device, and before he could stop her, she had pressed the button.
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Should probably be a button. Transmitter wouldn't be very useful if it only had one button on it.

While I can totally see how this makes sense, and even agree that this works for this story, here is a writing trick.

Paragraph spacing influences pacing.

When people encounter a dense series of paragraphs, the speed at which their eyes travel down the page slows. In their brains, this correlates to how fast the action is happening in the story itself. If they start encountering single lines, they start to speed down the page, and the action seems to whip by, making everything seem fast passed and dynamic. Using these two tricks, a writer can control how the reader feels during a story. The action can be purely mental, a sudden realisation, or a struggle against some unwanted emotion, but the writer can still make it feel gripping and dynamic.

As well, having either uniform paragraphs one after the other, and having large walls of text make reading harder. Too many too big paragraphs and the reading slows down until the reader just can't be bothered to read, or is struggling to read.

Changing up the size of the paragraphs helps the reader flow through the story, as the shorter lines give momentum, and the longer ones substance.

It is still possible to keep paragraphs to one subject, you just have to separate the subjects into smaller pieces. Don't do that for everything in this last segment though, it works perfectly. She's bored, and time is dragging on, but she is looking for something to distract herself with. This translates to the actual reading perfectly.
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Eeeeh. I'm aware that sort of thing exists/works, but I tend to dislike it, and often feel like people who pay attention to it are prone to losing sight of making the story have the qualities they want. Like, if you're familiar with manga, the whole industry has an incredible breadth and depth of knowledge when it comes to stuff like "shoujo sparkles" and similar to lead the audience to a particular reaction, but I often find myself wincing when a story very clearly expects us to think some abusive psycho asshole is a sexy, attractive, caring man, or some other horrific disconnect like that, because the artist knows all the right tricks of presentation but doesn't know how to construct the story the way they're intending it to be viewed.

EDIT: Forgot this stuff.

Alterego9 said:
Myriad's writing quality is painful, but it's pretty fun to read.

In some ways it's like bad fanfiction, like when Taylor just goes straight to the Wards and bumps into Sophia out of costume, or when L̶i̶s̶a̶ Amara randomly shows up at Winslow for exposition, but then there are also times where it's just randomly and unnecessarily off, with lines like
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That is so bad and so weird. The idea of Bitch going to school my god. It is like bad fanfiction!
 
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...and edited. I changed the hamstringing to a leg stab, as after reading up on it I realised it really didn't work. Thanks for the feedback, I have a horrible habit of being lazy while writing, along with that stupid where/were and the s'.

I completely agree that sometimes, manga writers (and others) need to write more and present less. But it is still a useful trick to add a little something to a scene, if it calls for it. No reason not to make use of what you have on hand. Most of the time I just wing it anyway.

Myriad said:
Rachel and Brian in school.
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Oh god, the highschool AU flashbacks, they've found me again.
 
Ghoul King said:
Nope, it's all me. I have gotten this type of response in several cities, across multiple states, in various different kinds of business. Other people go to buy perfectly innocent goods with a debit card -they get smiles and friendly customer service. I go to buy perfectly innocent goods with a debit card -I get suspicious squinting and demands to see my ID. (It's only something like 30% of the time, mind, but that it happens at all is still ridiculous)

I'm pretty sure it has something do with my voice. I look like a horrible thug if I haven't shaved in a while, while I look like an overly tall twelve-year-old if I'm cleanshaven, but I get the "STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" response either way. In general I get this kind of response only after I've opened my mouth -if I can order without actual speech (Put items on conveyor belt, grunt vaguely at attempts at small talk, swipe card, take bags and leave) I don't get this response. People at grocery stores tend to like me.

I once ran across a thing online -which, unfortunately, I've never been able to find since- that talked about how people have some segment of vocalization where everybody has a different tone, and when you get a group of people together they all automatically shift to one tone -the tone of whoever is considered to be the boss of the group. My subconscious understanding/implementation of Prosody is so broken that it's led me to suspect I utterly fail to do this tone matching thing. Fitting to this is: people in very service-oriented industries (Don't ask me why pizza doesn't count as service-oriented) tend to like me, because I'm polite. (ie I'm not a monstrous asshole like a lot of people are to service industry people) Meanwhile, anybody in any kind of position of authority hates me if I open my mouth -cops will pay me no mind until they're given some reason to talk to me, and then the instant I've said something in response to them it's suddenly time to treat me like a suspected criminal, no matter how thoroughly I commit to being polite, inoffensive, and providing complete answers to their questions.

(If you don't feel like reading the Wikipedia page: Prosody is basically all the vocal stuff people do that conveys irony, sarcasm, focus of a sentence, and a lot of other stuff that doesn't come across half so well in a written format)



Well, she certainly didn't get the Cornell Badge, and Lung is probably in the upper range of levels, given he can go toe-to-toe with an Endbringer.
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I have a friend who has, no shit, accidentally mugged his coworkers. Twice. Once when coming in to work on a snowy day (he calmly collected the thrown wallet and returned it once inside) and once after his boss asked him for help unloading a truck.
 
Felius said:
I was adding the trauma and stress from his failed attempts at brain surgery in the alternate timelines to the feeling of doom and lack of control. Remember that Coil is a megalomaniac control freak, feeling powerless as guaranteed death quickly approaches, able only to make futile attempts with essentially zero chance of success (as he might perceive it in the context) is quite likely the worst possible thing that could happen to him, at least so long he doesn't get enough perceivable progress in the escape attempts as he makes them.

Essentially, for Coil, I'd say the worst possible thing would be the lack of power to meaningfully affect his situation. If he ends with such perception in such hopeless situation, but with enough ability to actually make futile attempts to compound the stress, I wouldn't doubt he might second trigger if Cauldron capes turn out to be able to do so.
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They can't second trigger. Their shards are dead. Eventually every Cauldron shard will run out of power.
 
Honestly, if you did make a Pokeball, you should as the saying goes "go big or go home" and tinker up a master ball for use on Scion. :lol
 
Binge-read, carpet-liked and watched.

For the Coil sequence, it occurred to me after reading this bit...

CovertCloud said:
Cringing at the next bit, one of the Coil's reached up, and began to feel around. While the hole wasn't too thick, it wasn't very big, and accidentally touching the sides would cause quite a lot of pain, as his feeling around had attested. Dropping and splitting once more to get rid of the shakes, he considered his approach.

If he was not careful, there was a very real chance of killing himself. Thankfully, where others might be unable to take the risk, he could try until he succeeded, with no repercussions.

What felt like an hour, and thirty seven failures later, he had mapped out the hole in his head, the device, and the various parts of his brain he should not be poking. He had also pulled the bomb out four times, only to realise he had given himself some form of brain damage. It was subtle, but Calvert had a unique advantage in being able to compare healthy and not so healthy selves in real time, so as to discover any injury.

The fifth attempt had been delayed after number four had seemed successful, until he had felt the blood starting too gush out of the hole and down his head. So far, the attempt seemed to be working out, as he had managed to grasp the device without touching the sides and flinching, or poking his brain and bleeding out, or pushing the bomb in further and cutting into something important. With a slow methodical movement, he drew the bomb out of his head, and carefully, he brought it around, peering at it blearily.
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...he was essentially playing Operation. :p


Also, it wasn't entirely clear; did he ever put the bit of his skull back into the hole, or did he leave it behind and is now running around with the top of his brain exposed?
 
He didn't put it back. Remember, the hole isn't that big, and it seems to me that doing anything more than is absolutely needed to get the bomb out would be inviting more chance of messing up, plus a lot of pain. He also has to worry about time, as his captors could come for him at any moment. If you want, you can imagine him trying to get it back in as he heads to a meet-up with his minions.
 
On the one hand, genuinely interesting musing on the world of Earth Bet.

On the other hand, where's my action?

Also, SI!Bakuda? You really ought to have used those 30 minutes to make up your mind about whether you actually want to free Lung.

EDIT: you don't want to let him see you hesitate to rescue him at a critical moment, do you?
 
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