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A Worm in the Gulch (Worm/Red vs. Blue)

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#9 - Houston, We Have A Problem
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    • #9: Houston, We Have A Problem

    ​
    "Of all the egotistical, self-centered, sons of bitches I've ever met, you assholes really do take the cake! I mean, for fuck's sake, what the fucking fuck is wrong with you people?! First this jackass ropes me into helping you people, then you basically me do all your goddamn chores and don't bother to help! Oh, and let's not forget the amount of times you've conveniently forgotten to tell me about Caboose's superhuman feats of screwing up or breaking shit without even trying! And then you pull this shit on top of all of that! We have a plan! One you don't bother telling me AFTER YOU ALMOST FUCKING SHOT ME WITH THE SNIPER RIFLE!"

    "W-well, uh, w-we thought you—"

    "SHUT THE FUCK UP! I! AM! TALKING!"

    "Meep."

    Caboose tilted his head. "Mom is really angry," he said stating the obvious. "Do you think she needs to, um? What was it you told me, Church? That you need to get the big stick out of you?"

    Church wasn't listening. Not really. He was feeling quite conflicted. On the one hand, he felt irritated. Taylor finally blew her lid, and in grand fashion no less. Perhaps it was a good thing she had no idea how to handle a gun, otherwise he feared she would be using them as target practice. She very much reminded him of Tex during shark week. On the other hand, he also felt a substantial amount of pride. For…some weird reason.

    He was also impressed by how her throat wasn't sore from how loud she was screaming.

    "How long do you think she'll go on for?" Church asked with some amusement.

    Tucker, on the other hand, was less than amused by his colleague's refusal to help. "Uh, dude? Little help here?! She's kinda freaking me out!"

    When it became clear to him that, no, Church was not going to help him, Tucker flipped him the bird. Then Taylor directed her rage to Church. Tucker was the one radiating smugness while Church found himself wondering whether Tex reincarnated or possessed her.

    He did not want to find out the answer.



    It took about an hour for my anger to abate. Actually, no, that's wrong. My anger hadn't completely disappeared. Finding an outlet to wail on helped ease my stress, but my anger just…diminished. It was still there, though much lesser. It was more like irritation and annoyance than full-on white-hot anger.

    "So…" Church started slowly. "Are we calm now?"

    "For now," I bit out testily.

    "Eres una mujer muy aterradora," Lopez remarked.

    We didn't retrieve Lopez so much as he surrendered to us. During his escape attempt, the Reds launched a surprise assault with their jeep. Because Lopez' armor was cobalt, they mistook him for a Blue and attempted to run him down. They didn't get very far as the jeep somehow exploded. Simmons and Sarge somehow survived and quickly mounted a retreat. How the jeep exploded, I hadn't the faintest idea.

    Lopez didn't mount any further escape attempts. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was defeated.

    "Yeah, yeah, whatever," Church huffed. "Just hurry up and fix Sheila already, would ya?"

    The Spanish-speaking robot grunted and continued to work. The metal plating on the "head" of the tank was removed, exposing various wires, gears, pistons, and other metal innards.

    "So, how long is he gonna take?" Tucker asked. "And is Sheila even gonna still be in there?"

    I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean? Isn't Sheila what you call your tank?"

    "Oh no, Sheila's the AI inside the tank," he explained. "She helped Caboose run a tutorial when he hopped in…" Tucker eyed Caboose warily. "Though I'm pretty sure he fucked with her settings somehow. You know, friendly fire and all that."

    "Tucker did it!"

    "Caboose, that doesn't work if Tucker's right here," Church groaned. "God, what the hell was Command thinking when they sent him?"

    "Dude, I don't think they think period. I mean, come on. We've been sitting in the ass-end of nowhere in the middle of Bum-Fuck-Egypt for years doing nothing but fighting a bunch of red guys over flags. They win, they get a flag and another base. We win, same thing."

    "Whoop-dee-fucking-do," Church said irritably.

    Just when you think this world couldn't get anymore outlandish. Assuming Tucker was right and they were that incompetent, I really did have to wonder how in the hell they had futuristic tech when this was what they invested time and money into. I had half a mind to call Vic and ask him, but I had been doing that so much lately that I worried whether he was getting annoyed with my frequent calls.

    "Termine," Lopez announced as he peeled himself off the tank and closed its hood.

    Moments later, I heard the sound of machinery powering up. The floodlights on the tank flickered for a few seconds before powering on. A synthetic female voice emerged from the speakers. "Hello, and thank you for activating the… Wait, where am I?"

    "Sheila!" Caboose cheered. "Your fixed!"

    "'bout fucking time," Tucker chuckled.

    The turret stared down Caboose. "Private Caboose? Oh, how nice to see you. May I ask what happened? My memory bank seems to be damaged."

    "Long story short, you got fucked up and we had to fix you," Church said. "You can thank this guy."

    Lopez waved. "Hola."

    "Oh? I was not aware we had new soldiers!" Sheila cooed. "This unit is the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."

    "Hello," I greeted amicably. It should say something that I liked talking with the A.I. more than I did with these guys. "I'm Taylor."

    Lopez puffed his chest. For some reason. "Y yo soy Lopez La Pesado."

    "Hello. It's very nice to meet you both!"

    Sheila was nice. I liked her.

    …is it just me, or was Sheila's turret aimed at Lopez for a long time?



    Ugh, about fucking time.

    Being reduced to a dig—ghostly state was unpleasant, to say the least. At first, Texas was certain she died for good after that pink bitch lobbed the sticky grenade at her and the tank. When she came to, she was disoriented and confused, memories scrambled to the point she barely remembered her name. It took weeks for the disorientation to subside and for her to regain clarity.

    It took her some time to realize she was trapped in someplace without any wifi. To be more precise, she was in some sort of dead zone. No connection, which meant she couldn't contact anyone outside or leave this place. She figured out where she was relatively quickly. Upon her death, her consciousness transferred and got locked inside of the closest vessel capable of holding her.

    Unfortunately, that vessel turned out to be the damaged tank and an inert A.I.

    Now, Texas could admit she was never the most patient person. Were she stuck inside Sheila for as long as she was damaged and broken, she likely would've gone insane. Thankfully, she only came to recently and spent around a month. The boredom in that time was alleviated thanks to Caboose. Despite Sheila being effectively in a coma until those idiots repaired her, she could still hear things from outside.

    In his attempts to repair her, Caboose talked about the new girl Church "recruited" into their ranks. Some civilian who got dropped into Blood Gulch with no idea how she got there or why. Unsurprisingly, Church roped her into joining Blue Team and had her doing manual labor around the base as well as supervising Caboose. She must've been doing a good job because the idiot called her "Mom".

    It was cute. Kind of.

    After spending a month of waiting, Texas felt her patience reaching its end when opportunity came knocking. Church finally got someone competent to fix Sheila. Once she was done, she had a connection to the outside world. Better yet, there was a port nearby; the robot Church previously inhabited and the one responsible for repairing Sheila. Without any hesitation and more than eager to get out of here, Texas jumped into the port.

    There was some resistance from her new body. It fought back, but only briefly as she easily overpowered it and inserted herself into her new lodgings.

    Jesus, so stiff, Tex thought as she flexed her new fingers. The robot was definitely not built to be limber. The legs felt heavier for some reason, too.

    Still, it was better than having no body at all.

    "Aah, that's better."

    The blue idiots stared at her gobsmacked. "Wait, what the heck?" Tucker cocked his head in confusion. "Since when the hell did he speak English? Did he finally find the language setting?"

    "Why does the robot sound like a woman?" Caboose asked.

    Church figured it out quickly and balked. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me…"

    Were she in a flesh-and-blood body, Texas would have grinned. "Buenos días, cockbites. Guess who's back!"



    Sorry this took so long. IRL is being a bitch. Not helping matters is that some games are coming out soon. I won't like, I'm sort of excited for Gotham Knights if only because of Red Hood. I don't really care about the drama involving that game since I care about the experience, not the technical shit. Oh, and I'm getting Persona 5 Royal for the Switch. So fucking excited.

    Anyways, regarding the thing with Tex being trapped in Sheila, this was both on-the-spot and headcanon stuff. When Church lost his OG body, he came back as a "ghost" a couple hours later. It took Tex months to do the same. My theory is that after she got blown to bits, Texas got stuck inside Sheila's body and couldn't get back until Lopez fixed her. Granted, as I said, it was on the spot, but after writing the scene it made sense to me. Think how quick she came back after Sheila was fixed. So, yeah, this is my explanation.

    Updates are going to be a bit slower cuz of the aforementioned gaming stuff and IRL matters. Hope you guys continue to enjoy, because this bitch is gonna continue updating until we hit Season 3.

    One last thing. PLEASE keep any and all discussion regarding RoosterTeeth's most recent problems out of the thread. I'd rather not have it get derailed by mods, thank you very much. I don't think you guys will, but better to be safe than sorry, you know?
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    • Tenno Drifter said:
    Also! SkyRig, I was wondering, how much of a time disparity, if any, is there between Tay and earth bet?
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    A couple months in RvB universe equals a day or so on Earth Bet. I would imagine that, by the time of the Chorus Trilogy or Season 15 if I ever decide to adapt it, close to a month has passed on Earth Bet since Taylor's disappearance.
     
    Wait till the whole weather machine in Lopez kicks in along with that bomb in Church's future body.
    Probably a bunch of migraines for Taylor.
     
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    SkyRig said:
    Church wasn't listening. Not really. He was feeling quite conflicted. On the one hand, he felt irritated. Taylor finally blew her lid, and in grand fashion no less. Perhaps it was a good thing she had no idea how to handle a gun, otherwise he feared she would be using them as target practice. She very much reminded him of Tex during shark week. On the other hand, he also felt a substantial amount of pride. For…some weird reason.
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    The first of Churches dad instincts emerges😂
    I am curious if Texas will end up filling a mother sort of role or if she might survive past her cannonical death as I don't believe we've been told anything about her eventual fate yet?
    Edit: Correction from one of the opening bits it is implied that she survives so yay as Tex is one of my favourite characters, forgot about it originally so my bad.
     
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    Snowandmax said:
    Lopez needs some anti possession technology.
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    What Lopez needs is a way to keep his head attached.
    Lorddarkrai2 said:
    I'm predicting they butt heads here and there but plenty of respect for not being a wimps like some of the more spineless members of the groups
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    The girl who's done all their, quote, bitch work? Plus Tex sometimes doesn't like other women being around the blues. She did not react well to Sister.
     
    Easiest way to get rid of the S9, tell Caboose to join them; to make the teams even before the big fight. Then it only becomes a matter of time(seconds) until there is a gunshot and an exclamation of, "Tucker did it!"
     
    Ethan Eldritch said:
    Have you considered writing this fic all the way to the Shisno Paradox?
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    Eesh. I hope not.

    No offense to that arc. Despite its problems, the writer did fucking phenomenal with Donut.

    On the other hand, its problems are best left ignored. Plus, if I remember right, Sky said he was iffy about adapting Seasons 15 and up.
     
    SkyRig said:
    #9: Houston, We Have A Problem

    ​


    Church figured it out quickly and balked. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me…"

    Were she in a flesh-and-blood body, Texas would have grinned. "Buenos días, cockbites. Guess who's back!"
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    YEAAAAAAH BIG SIS / MOM IS ON THE SCENE! christ on a stick does taylor need a parental figure and a sane adult. well, one out of two aint bad for this shitshow :3
     
    #10 - The Other White Meat (AKA Taylor Enrolls in Hard Knocks)
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    • #10: The Other White Meat
    (AKA Taylor Enrolls in Hard Knocks)

    ​
    "So, let me get this straight. You pretty much got dropped here, in the ass-end of nowhere, without any memory how or why."

    "Yyyep."

    "And the last thing you remember before waking up was being shoved into your own locker. Which was full of crap from the girl's bathroom?"

    "It's as disgusting as it sounds. So many bugs…"

    "…riiight. And after you almost got killed because of these idiots, you ended getting shanghaied into working with them."

    "Your boyfriend didn't really leave me much choice, and I didn't have a lot of options at the time. Honestly, if I had known about the amount of crap that goes on in this base, I'd have taken my chances with Grif and the others. Actually, about Church… I have to ask, does he always act like he has his sniper rifle shoved up his…"

    Tucker snickered. "Sucks to be you, huh, Church?"

    His ghostly friend flipped him off in response without so much as looking his way. He was more busy trying to make sure Caboose didn't do something with Sheila after she'd been fixed. Tex's return was definitely cause for concern in more ways that one, specifically ways that involved his body and bruises and broken bones, but those concerns were far and away at the moment.

    Taylor Hebert was something of a curious case for him and the rest of Blue Team. Vic promised he'd do what he could to help her and find out who dropped her off at Blood Gulch, but he couldn't find anything. There was no record of any drop ships or unscheduled arrivals coming anywhere near the canyon, and Taylor herself was lost in the system. There were hundreds of girls with the same name, all scattered across the vast, wide universe. It was like looking for a needle in the haystack, according to the desk jockey.

    Tucker chalked it up to yet another instance of Command being incompetent. Caboose was proof of that.

    Despite what Taylor thought, Church hadn't actually planned on roping her in per say. The original plan was just to have her stay at their base until Command found her parents and contacted them. Tucker was the first to voice against her joining, given they had to deal with Caboose on a daily basis. The only reason she had been roped into joining Blue Team was because Caboose, for some reason, took a liking to her and followed her around like a baby chic. It was a little amusing and adorable, to be honest.

    Well, minus the times when she had to actually deal with Caboose and his idiocy. They tried very hard to make sure he didn't pull another Team Killing Fucktard moment like he had with Church months ago.

    "At least they're getting along," Tucker said happily. "Maybe it's cause they're both girls?"

    "I'm sorry. Was that supposed to be a joke?" Church grumbled, his feelings the polar opposite of Tucker's. "Because I'm not laughing."

    "Sheesh, what's got your panties in a twist?"

    "My problem is that Tex is hogging my body!" he yelled angrily. "Oh, and how about the fact that she showed up out of nowhere after I spent all that time grieving!"

    Tucker scoffed. "Grieving? That what you call insulting her for three months?"

    "She got killed by a grenade!"

    "While driving a tank," Tucker countered. "If anything, dying in a tank is a badass way to go."

    "Still doesn't change the fact she's taken over my body! You know, the one I worked really hard to steal!"

    "You mean the body you used to try and convince the Reds that Tex was attacking before that pink chick blew her up," Tucker corrected him.

    Church threw his hands up. "Semantics! I still worked really hard, dammit!"



    Texas was… Okay, she was every bit as intimidating as Church made her out to be. At first she grilled me on how I ended up with Church and Blue Team and about how I'd regret it if tried to take her spot. She honestly reminded me a lot of the Trio at that moment up until she realized I was younger than she thought, which she then proceeded to grill me about how I wound up in Blood Gulch at all.

    Her concern was touching almost. I say almost because she left a rough first impression. Still, she was better than the Trio was.

    Having said that…

    "So, are you really a ghost?" I asked skeptically.

    Texas chuckled. "What makes you think I'm not?"

    "Because Church also claims he is a ghost, and I don't believe in them. Way I see it, you're either really advanced computer programs like A.I. or people who got superpowers and found a way to cheat death." Upon pursuing that line of thought, I felt a cold shudder run down my spine. "And I'm really hoping it's the latter."

    "Why's that?"

    "Because Church can't work a sniper rifle to save his goddamn life. If he really is an A.I., he has to be the crappiest I've ever heard of."

    Texas stared at me for a moment before throwing her head back and laughed. "Yeah, he totally would, wouldn't he? Well, let's just say I'm a complicated person and leave it at that." She paused briefly. "…by the way, about the guys. Have they been acting weird since I died?"

    "Weird as in how?"

    "I don't know. Aggressively, confrontational? Maybe acting like they're on their periods or something?"

    I frowned in thought. "Well, Church is always angry at something, and Tucker's…well, Tucker."

    "He hasn't tried anything, has he?" Texas suddenly asked, giving Tucker a pointed glare with her visor.

    "Nope. He said he had standards and that I was too young," I told her.

    The Freelancer grunted and folded her arms, turning her gaze to Caboose. "And what about the blue moron over there?"

    "Caboose? Oh, he's a sweetheart. A little…dumb, but a sweetheart when he's not carrying anything. Although, I have noticed he says some weird things and that he's been threatening Tucker an awful lot lately without realizing it."

    "I see…"

    "Why do you ask?"

    "Let's talk to Church and Tucker, first. They're going to want to hear this too."

    I raised an eyebrow, but agreed and followed after her.



    "…I'm just saying, this is really freaking weird," I heard Tucker as we approached. "How would that even work, anyway?"

    "Way I figure it, it could be worse," Church drawled.

    "Oh yeah? How?!"

    "Caboose could be in love with a sangheili."

    Tucker went silent. "…fair point."

    Sangheili? What was that? Maybe some kind of alien species?

    "Do I even wanna know what you guys are talking about?" Texas said, making the men notice her.

    "We were talkin' about Caboose and Sheila," Tucker said.

    "You mean his giant crush on her."

    I blinked. "Wait, what?"

    Church groaned. "Don't ask how or why. Follow my lead in that I don't know, and I never wanna know… Wait a second, how the hell did you know about Caboose's crush on the tank?"

    "I was stuck in Sheila for three months, remember? Just because I was trapped inside doesn't mean I was oblivious." Texas sighed. "Lucky for me, I only really came to about a month ago, so I didn't go completely stir crazy. You guys really do some stupid shit, huh?"

    "What was your first clue?" Church grunted. "Also, when are you gonna give me back my body?"

    "Technically, that's Lopez's body," I pointed out. "And if you say he's not actually a person, I'll rope you into helping me with an experiment." A cold smile grew under the helm. "You said you're a ghost, right? Then why not test that theory with a good old fashioned exorcism?"

    "Ooh, good idea," Texas cackled. "You dig up the body, and I'll sneak into Red Base and snatch us some salt."

    Tucker gleefully joined in. "Cool. I'll help burn the body."

    "What the fuck is this, some kind of mutiny?"

    "Pretty much, cockbite."

    "Wow. Fuck. You. All."

    "You would like that, wouldn't you?" Texas snarked. "All fun aside, keep your panties on. I'll give you back your body…on two conditions."

    Church grumbled under his breath. "Ugh… Fine. Okay. What do you want?"

    "First, a body for myself. Lopez was built by the Reds, right? They should be able to cook up a new one, if they haven't already replaced this guy."

    "Okay, and the second thing?"

    Texas glanced at Caboose, who was still talking rather animatedly with Sheila. "It's about Caboose."

    "What about him?" Tucker asked. "Ooh, wait, you want us to kill him? I'll help!"

    "No, you will not!" I shouted. I worriedly looked at Texas. She wasn't seriously considering that, right?

    "Relax, he'll be fine. Mentally, though…" The woman sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. "Okay, fresh recap. You remember the A.I. I had in my head, right? The one Project Freelancer gave me?"

    "Yeah, I remember."

    "Um, about that…" I looked on warily. A.I.'s were a touchy subject on Earth Bet for a variety of reasons, especially when the words 'artificial intelligence' and 'Machine Army' are in the same sentence. "This A.I. thing… Is it, you know, safe? Like, they're shackled?"

    Texas shrugged. "Eh, they're mostly dumb A.I.'s. Can't operate beyond what they're operated to do. Though in my case, that sucker's a little different. Omega can jump between different hosts, but he always jumps back into me at the end of the day. Got to the point I had to keep him trapped with a special program so he wouldn't jump into anyone else."

    "And the reason you're bringing this up is because…?" Tucker asked nervously.

    Church was the first to realize what she was getting at and swore. "Fuck. He's inside Caboose?!"

    "WHAT?!" Tucker and I yelled at once.

    "Waitwaitwait, how's that possible?!" I yelled, both out of fear for Caboose and confusion. "From the way you guys made it out, Texas should be the only one who can have an A.I. in their head!"

    "I wish," Texas hissed. "But rank-and-file soldiers like Church all have A.I. slots installed into their helmets, plus some implants. The slots are usually meant for dumb A.I., but Omega can hop into them, then take control over someone using their implants. Honestly, it's a miracle Caboose hasn't already been taken over. Which makes this the perfect opportunity."

    "Perfect how?" Church growled. "You got an idiot with a bad habit for team killing plus herculean strength running around with a killer A.I. stuck in his head, and he's apparently due to go nuts any minute!"

    "But Caboose is somehow resisting Omega. Which means we can jump right inside and kill the bastard."

    The three of us all looked at Texas in surprise. "You…" I started slowly. "Want our help in killing your A.I.?"

    "Why?" Tucker asked suspiciously. "Isn't that thing what made you a badass in the first place?"

    Texas shook her head. "Trust me. Omega is bad news. The sooner we get rid of that bastard, the better."

    "A-and how do you kill an A.I. inside somebody's head?" I asked. I was still scared for Caboose, but also very, very confused.

    …then again, should I really be? This world makes zero sense as it is.

    "Shouldn't be too hard," Texas shrugged, explaining absolutely nothing. "The real problem is keeping Omega inside Caboose's head long enough for us to kill it."

    "You mean keep him from jumping into anyone," Tucker surmised. "And, uh, how do we do that?"

    "Omega jumps around from person to person using radio signals. You just have to shut off every radio here in Blood Gulch. Including the Reds."

    "Sounds easy enough."



    As it turned out, killing Omega was not as easy as it sounds.

    On the one hand, what happened afterwards was stressful. Between Doc getting possessed, us getting separated, and figuring out how     I ended up in Blood Gulch in the first place, I was amazed I was still sane and not perpetually angry like Church was.

    On the other hand, looking back at it now… I think that might've been the moment I started to consider these crazy people my friends.

    Boy, did I have stories to tell Dad…



    Before anyone asks, the chapter title isn't meant to be offensive. At least, I don't think it is. It's part of a joke involving Dallas and a possum. A joke I'm not ashamed to admit I don't get.

    "Why didn't the possum cross the road? Because in Dallas he's the other white meat."

    Next chapter is probs gonna be longer than the previous chapters. I'm aiming to wrap up the rest of Season 2 in the next few chapters.
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