#6: Duck and Cover
(AKA Taylor Realizes She's Arthur Dent)
"Holy sh—"
I ducked under the rock, barely dodging a bullet that would've scuffed my helmet if not break it. DuFresne sat behind me, occasionally poking his head out to see what was going on. A ways away from us was Caboose, who was
somehow not being shot at while his head poked out from atop the rock he hid behind.
"Tucker!" Church yelled. "Back up Caboose and provide covering fire!"
"What?!" Tucker cried. "Oh hell no! Do you see what's happening?! I'm not getting shot today, thank you!"
DuFresne snapped his head back, barely avoiding a bullet that whizzed past and struck the base behind us. "You know," he muttered despondently. "This isn't what I had in mind when I came here."
"Join the club," I said acidly.
This was exactly why I wanted to get out of this place. Even with highly advanced armor that'd make a tinker salivate, I did not want to test how well it held up to futuristic guns of equal measure. Worse, it looked like all of Red Team was here. Sarge, Simmons, and Griff were present with a fourth member wearing pink. Grif and Simmons fired continuously with auto-rifles whereas Sarge just fired blankly with his shotgun, even though his range was nowhere close enough to be effective. The pink soldier, meanwhile, hung back and fired with a sniper rifle.
"God dammit, how'd they even sneak up on us?" Church demanded angrily. "Doc, get over to Caboose and help him out!"
"I told you, I'm a
medical officer. I'm not a doctor, much less a fighter!" DuFresne told him. "Also, my name isn't Doc."
"What the hell's the difference between a medical officer and a doctor?" Tucker yelled. "They're the same thing!"
"Doctors treat wounds and save people's lives. A medical officer just makes you comfortable while you die."
I swear, I heard the gunfire go silent for just a few seconds. I stared at DuFresne with a twitching eyebrow.
"So, basically," I began slowly. "You're useless."
"Note to self," Tucker groaned. "Don't get shot until Taylor gets her medical license."
"What-
ever! Just go over there and make sure Caboose holds that position!" Church ordered.
"Again, I. Am. A.
Pacifist," the medic reiterated exasperatedly. "Also, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt!"
"…huh. I see." Church slowly looked over to Caboose and raised his gun.
"Pull that trigger,
Leonard, and you'll be the one the good
doctor here will have to comfort," I warned, finger hovering over the trigger of my handgun. Next to me, I heard Tucker muttering something under his breathe.
"That's right! Suck it, blue!"
Grif repeated after Simmons, less because he was thrilled to be doing something and more because he couldn't think of anything cool to really say. He'd much rather be in his bunk eating some bacon-flavored chips that came with this week's supply drop, but Sarge was adamant and made the usual threat.
They caught the Blues on an off-day, it seemed. They were all huddled up in front, talking to a purple-armored soldier when they began the attack. He did notice they had an extra member, but that was more than likely Lopez with his armor repainted. Sarge mentioned it was possible the Blues reprogrammed him, hence the urgency of their rescue mission.
Having said that, the armor type was a little on the feminine side, and last he checked, the only female in the canyon was…
"Damn, I'm out!" Simmons cursed and looked at Grif. "Pass me a mag."
"Uh, what now?"
"Magazine. You brought some, right?"
"Why would I bring a magazine with me to a fight?" Grif asked in genuine confusion. "Also, what magazines would I bring? Shouldn't you be asking Donut that?"
"I mean
gun magazines, you idiot! Ammo!"
Grif blinked. "…oh, that's what you mean. Sorry, got nothing. I've got one bullet left."
"What!" Simmons yelled in disbelief. "How?! You're supposed to bring all the extra ammunition!"
"Since when?"
"Since the last staff meeting!"
"We actually talk in those stupid meetings? I just thought it was another way to say naptime."
"Oh, for the love of…"
"Hey, guys?" Donut yelled from behind his cover. "I'm outta bullets here! Anybody got some extra rounds? Specifically some
red, hot ones?"
Remind me, why did I sign up for this shit? Grif sighed. Sarge chose at that time to show up, demanding extra ammunition. The orange-armored man wondered if now was as good a time as any to use that last bullet. Sarge was a pain in the ass as it was, and he really didn't him ranting about a lack of slug shells for his favored weapon.
"Hey, did they stop firing?"
I dared to peek over the cover we hid behind. None of the Reds were shooting at us. In fact, I saw Sarge grilling into Grif about something. I couldn't exactly hear what they were saying, but if Grif's body language was any indication, it was not anything good. At least for him, anyway.
"Maybe they finally ran out of ammo?" I offered.
Church grunted. "In that case, let's get some payback. Tucker?"
"Oh, hell yeah!"
"W-wait."
The word tumbled from my mouth before I realized it. As…chaotic as our first meeting was, I remembered how Simmons and Grif acted when they met me. Although I still knew nothing about them and worried they were every bit the dangerous soldiers I thought they were, I didn't want to see them dead. I wanted to believe they were good people. At least, better than…
them.
Church paused, briefly glancing in my direction when Sarge bellowed out. "Attention, Blue Team! We are giving you a chance to surrender!"
"
Surrender?" Tucker said. "Seriously?"
Blue Team's resident asshole scoffed. "Yeah, right. They're bluffing. They are
so out of ammo."
"So? Let's take 'em out!"
Church looked at me again. I couldn't find it in me to raise my voice like last time. Words I wanted to say were lodged in my throat, refusing to budge. I felt him staring at me, gaze reminiscent of the teachers back in Winslow. Judging. It made my skin crawl.
"…hold that thought," Church said and stowed away his gun, walking out of cover to our surprise. He raised his voice, calling back to the Reds. "What are your terms?!"
Wait, what?!
"What?!" Tucker hissed next to me. "Church, what are you doing?!"
"Play along, cockbite!" Church snapped.
I stared in disbelief. Church was all set to start shooting back in retaliation. If they were out of ammo, and chances are they were with how trigger-happy they were seconds ago, they were sitting ducks. Why was Church going along with their bluff? He was a lot of things, a raging jackass most of all, but he never gave the impression of being stupid.
"First of all," Sarge started after some deliberation with his soldiers. "We want your flag to stay where it is. Keep it!"
"The flag?" I asked in confusion, looking Tucker for an answer.
He shrugged. "They stole it a while back, but Tex managed to snag it back for us." He paused and looked up at the sky thoughtfully. "You know, come to think of it…isn't this whole war just us playing a fucked up game of capture the flag? Y'know, with armor and guns and explosions and all that shit?"
"It could be worse," DuFresne offered. "You guys could be playing Grifball."
"We do, however, want our android back!"
"Ah, crap," Tucker said suddenly.
Android? Did Blue Team steal an android from them? When? And where was it? Why hadn't I seen it wandering around the base?
"Preferably in one piece, with all the limbs and nuts and bolts attached, if you wouldn't mind!"
"Like hell I'm giving up my body!" Church growled. "Do they have any idea what kind of trouble I went through to get it?!"
"I'm sorry, but what the hell is going on?"
Tucker chuckled. "Funny story 'bout that…"
"Yeah…" What the—when did Caboose get here? I didn't hear him coming at all! "See, Church got killed by Sheila a while back when she was having an, um,
episode…"
"More like by the idiot driving it," Tucker chimed in, giving a pointed glare at Caboose.
The blue-soldier continued without missing a beat. "Oh, yeah, and Church came back as this really, really mean ghost and took over a Mexican robot's body. And, oh, right, then we had to, um, spray paint his body to make him blue again. So now he is alive again, and he is a biotic man." A pause. "Who is blue."
I blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. My brain finally registered, decoded, and understood the meaning of Caboose's words. When it did, I could only sigh deeply, resisting the urge to face-palm as I was wearing a helmet. "…Caboose. I love you dearly. As a friend, I mean. Just a friend."
"Okay."
"And I'm very patient with you because you can be a bit…slow…"
Tucker coughed to the side. "Understatement of the fuckin' century."
He wisely shut up when I glared at him. "But, here's the thing. Ghosts don't exist."
"Really? But Church came back as a ghost. He was white and angry."
"You
do realize you just described everybody in Cops, right?"
"
Tucker!" I snarled.
"He's not here anymore!" Church yelled at Sarge, pointedly ignoring our conversation. "He just left one morning! Sorry! Better luck next time!" He paused, glanced back at our group, then looked back to the front. "How about a hostage, instead? You guys need a medic? We got one right here!"
I balked. "Church, what the fuck!"
"It's fine," DuFresne interjected, holding his hands up in a placating manner to stall my anger. "I'm supposed to go over there anyway. I'm on loan to both armies. Besides…" He gave Church and Tucker a weird glance. "No offense, but I don't think I'm going to be much use over here."
"Alright, we got a deal!" Sarge said.
"So, what do we get?!" Church demanded impatiently.
Simmons wheezed incredulously. "You're
surrendering! You don't get
anything except humiliating defeat and ridicule!"
"We've got plenty of that!" Tucker hollered. "What else do you have?!"
"…what do you want?" Sarge asked warily.
I choked.
"How about if you admit the Red Team sucks?!" Church asked smugly, folding his arms.
They cannot be serious, I thought.
There's no way they are this stupid.
Red Team went quiet and huddled together in deliberation for a few minutes before breaking up. Sarge called out. "What if we admit
one of us sucks?"
I stared incredulously at Red Team. Then I stared incredulously at Blue Team. My brain struggled to reconcile what was happening before my eyes, at the absurdity and madness happening in front of me. It was not until Grif was forced to step in front of his fellows and give a humiliating speech in line with Blue Team's demands that, yes, this was indeed happening.
Screw George Lucas, I was living in a madhouse concocted by Douglas fucking Adams. Worse, I'm all but certain I was Arthur Dent in this case.
I fell onto my rear and held my head in my hands, groaning miserably while questioning my luck. Moments ago I was fearing for my life, and now I was bearing witness to a monumental act of idiocy even Greg Veder wouldn't stoop to. Actually, on second thought, this was exactly the sort of idiocy he'd go for.
"What even is my life right now?" I asked myself.
Once Grif finished his humiliation, DuFresne was sent over to Red Team. It wouldn't be long before we saw him again, however, as barely even a few hours after the medic left Blue Base, another incident occurred and I was once again treated to the insanity of this place.
…I really want to go home, now. Nothing in this place makes any sense anymore.
Chapter 6, done and dusted.
I'm kind of surprised people prefer shorter chapters, but I suppose it also works out for me. It also helps that YouTube is also a thing and I can rewatch the series so long as my internet connection is good.
Poor Taylor. She thinks its bad now? Wait until the later seasons! On the subject of that, I should mention that while I'm mostly playing this by ear, seasons such as the Recollection and Chorus trilogies are being planned out. That'll also probably when the chapters get longer.
Regarding the stuff about Taylor being possessed by Omega, Church mentions in the Blood Gulch Chronicles that their armors have A.I. slots. While the Chorus trilogy retcons this by Washington saying they have implants, it's worth mentioning that Church says in Season 6 they upgraded armors, so maybe the A.I. slots were removed? I'm just trying to bring up some relevant info.
At any rate, with that said, yes, it is possible for Omega to possess Taylor. He'd have little success because of her passenger, but the backlash is wholly dependent on which passenger she has. Remember, Taylor has one of Abaddon's shards in this fanfic, not Queen Administrator.