STAR TREK: A Long Road (Voyager Fix It Quest)

DragonCobolt · May 8, 2022

The Dragon: Once per episode, at the beginning of combat place an Advantage on the field representing a cunning tactic or strategy devised by Danara Pel.

NAME	USS Voyager	PROF.	MULTIROLE
CLASS	Sovereign Class Heavy Exploration Vessel	CONST	2371
SHIELDS	13/13	RESISTANCE	6	SCALE	6
POWER	13/13	CREW SUPPORT	6	SMALL CRAFT	5

		COMMS	ENGINES	STRUCTURE	COMPUTERS	SENSORS	WEAPONS
BREACHES		0/6	0/6	0/6	0/6	0/6	0/6
		9	11	10	11	9	10
COMMAND	3	12	14	13	14	12	13
CONNING	2	12	14	13	14	12	13
ENGINEERING	2	11	13	12	13	11	12
SECURITY	3	13	15	14	16	13	14
SCIENCE	2	11	13	12	13	11	12
MEDICINE	2	11	13	12	13	11	12

TALENTS	Command Ship: Can give advantages using Command within range to Away Missions or to supporting ships. EMH: Has an EMH! Improved Warp Drive: When going to warp, roll 1cd on an effect, regain the power point. Quantum Torpedoes: Can use Quantum Torpedoes! (60 total) Secondary Reactors: +5 to Power High Resolution Sensors: +1 momentum to out of combat sensor checks.
TRAITS	Federation Starship – A highly sophisticated and advanced vessel, with holodecks, replicators, and similar comforts, primarily designed to handle multiple operations. Highly sensitive and requiring constant maintenance, the vehicle is less rugged than other interstellar craft Maquis Crew - a good chunk of the crew are former Maquis troublemakers. Expect discipline problems and unorthodox plans.
WEAPONS	Phaser Arrays Power Cost: 1-3 \| Range: Medium \| Damage: 9cd [+1 per extra power spent] Can Use Spread: Hit +1 time at ½ damage per effect OR Area: hit +1 ship per effect within close range. Versatile 2: Gain 2 bonus momentum with a successful hit Photon Torpedoes Power Cost: 0 \| Range: Long \| Damage: 6cd High Yield: If it causes 1 breach, it causes +1 breach Quantum Torpedoes Power Cost: 0 \| Range: Long \| Damage: 7cd (Vicious 1 - +1 damage on effects) High Yield: If it causes 1 breach, it causes +1 breach Calibrations: Requires 1 minor action to calibrate Tractor Beam (Strength 5) Power Cost: 0 \| Range: Close \| Damage: None Effect: If successfully established, enemies face a diff 5 check to escape.

CREW COMPLIMENT (Base Stat: 9 | Base Skill: 2)
CO: Captain Katheryn Janeway (Skilled: Command, Science | Weakness: Combat)

SPECIAL ABILITY: "We Can Be Better" - if you succeed on any diplomatic check with Janeway, Get +1 momentum

XO: Commander D-91 (Skilled: Command | Weakness: Socialization)
HELM: Lt. Tom Paris (Skilled: Conn | Weakness: Not Being A Fucking Up)
TACTICAL: Ensign Harry Kimm (Skilled: Gunnery | Weakness: Harry Kim)
SECURITY: Lt. JG Amy Strong (Skilled: Personal Combat | Weakness: Lying)

MAQUIS HEADBREAKER: C'nola (Skilled: Combat, Sneaking and Scheming | Weakness: Emotional Wreck)

SCIENCE: Tuvok (Skilled: Science | Weakness: Emotionless)
COMMS: Lt. Bian T'are (Skilled: Communications | Weakness: Combat)
MEDICAL: The EMH (Skilled: Doctor | Weakness: Kind of a Dick)
ENGINEER: B'lanna Torres (Skilled: Engineering | Weakness: Also a dick)

SECONDARY CHARACTERS
Ensign Steve (Useless Security Goon)
Ensign Becky (plural fighter jock)
Petty Officer Third Class Jessie (Hard working engineer)
Crewman Billingsly (Dude, Billingsly!)
Crewman Chandra (Concerned Crewman)
Bifurcate (bidimensional robot girlfriend of Harry Kim)
Princess Lyan Positron (runaway daughter of magician most foul and girlfriend of Harry Kim)
Soria Flyte (Pegasus girl and girlfriend of Harry Kim)
Mirror Universe Trevor (he's fine!)

NAME	MRSS Val Jean	PROF.	TACOPS
CLASS	Keldon Class Heavy Cruiser	CONST	2370
SHIELDS	12/12	RESISTANCE	5	SCALE	4
POWER	7/7	CREW SUPPORT	4	SMALL CRAFT	3

		COMMS	ENGINES	STRUCTURE	COMPUTERS	SENSORS	WEAPONS
BREACHES		0/4	0/4	0/4	0/4	0/4	0/4
		9	9	9	8	7	10
COMMAND	3	12	12	12	11	10	13
CONNING	2	11	11	11	10	9	12
ENGINEERING	2	11	11	11	10	9	12
SECURITY	3	12	12	12	11	10	13
SCIENCE	1	10	10	10	9	8	11
MEDICINE	2	11	11	11	10	9	12

TALENTS	Electronic Warfare Suite: Whenever making a Jamming or Intercept communications check, can spend 2 momentum to select +1 target (repeatable.) Fast Targeting Systems: No +1 diff for called shots Improved Hull Integrity: +1 Resistance Cloaking Device: Spend 3 power, and make a Control+Engineering + Engines + Security check with a diff of 2. If successful, gain the Cloaked Trait (impossible to detect, cannot attack, shields are down.) It takes a minor action to decloak.
TRAITS	Cardassian Ship – Durable, uncomfortable, close, cramped and cheap. Thinks creature comforts are for other people and technical sophistication is for people who haven't spent decades starving to death. The fact that the starving could have been avoided if the government were less...you know, monstrous doesn't seem to have occurred to that many of them. Okampan Crew – the crew are bright, perky, cheerful, and incredibly psychically powerful. Individually, they're all better than Vulcans, and as a gestalt? Who knows!
WEAPONS	Phaser Arrays Power Cost: 1-3 \| Range: Medium \| Damage: 7-9cd (Spread: Hit +1 time at ½ damage per effect OR Area) Versatile 2: Gain X bonus momentum with a successful hit Disruptor Banks Range: Medium \| Damage: 8-10cd (Vicious 1: Each effect adds +1 damage) Tractor Beam (Strength 3)

CREW COMPLIMENT (Base Stat: 8 | Base Skill: 1)
CO: Lt. Commander Brian Wacoche (Skilled: Commando Tactics | Weakness: Independent)
TACTICAL: Seska (Skilled: Being Seska | Weakness: Everything Else)
CONN: R'lash skilled: Piloting | Weakness: Romulan Fuckup)
ESPIONAGE: Kes (Skilled: Commando Tactics | Weakness: Naive)

Crewman Stadi - Age 23, Betazoid, born Beta Colony-5 to Zani and Talwyn of the House of Riis, survived by her sisters Tari and Batri.
R'mor - age 182, Vulcan, burn on Romulus to R'tan and Leslali, survived by his twelve nieces and nephews across the Empire

10ebbor10 · Jun 12, 2022

slybrarian said:
The original Gorn straight up murdered an entire colony without warning. Their actions in SNW are consistent with that. Maybe they're just going through an asshole phase and later become the sort of people who can have a wedding on a Federation starbase, and Kirk sparing the captain is the start of that.

The difference is tgat the Gorn in Arena are depicting as an entity capable of an asshole phase, an entity which chose to do an atrocity, but which might chose different in the future

With the Gorn in Strange New World, their atrocities are not tied into beliefs or political motivations, but in biology. They eat sentient flesh, they lay their eggs in sentient beings.

Strange New Worlds goes out of it's way to state that the Gorn are an inherent evil with whom diplomacy is not just impossible, it is nonsensical.

Spart117MC · Jun 12, 2022

The horror of the "Arena" is not how this monstrous looking species is a monster. The horror of the arena is that Starfleet may have given the Gorn legitimate cause to attack and that the being whose life Kirk holds in his hands and was so quick to condemn and attempt to kill is not a mindless beast as their appearance implies but a thinking being like himself.

Strange New Worlds put the Gorn on the level of the Magog, a race that was created by an entity, that is described both in and out of universe as the literal personification of evil, to be as vile as imaginable. Between this and how Discovery both threw its namesake ship into the future and had the Federation nearly collapse, I'm convinced these people are writing a reboot of the wrong Gene Roddenberry property.

Seriously, the more you squint the more obvious it becomes that Disco and Strange New Worlds make more sense as a reboot of Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda. Honestly tell me that the Mycelial network, with how it is visually represented, and how it requires an organic operator to navigate doesn't reek of Slipstream.

Enderminion · Jun 12, 2022

Spart117MC said:
Seriously, the more you squint the more obvious it becomes that Disco and Strange New Worlds make more sense as a reboot of Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda. Honestly tell me that the Mycelial network, with how it is visually represented, and how it requires an organic operator to navigate doesn't reek of Slipstream.

I never thought about it like that... I can't say you're wrong on the Disco point but Strange New Worlds doesn't really mesh with that.

slybrarian · Jun 12, 2022

10ebbor10 said:
Strange New Worlds goes out of it's way to state that the Gorn are an inherent evil with whom diplomacy is not just impossible, it is nonsensical.

Does it, though? La'an certainly says so, but her statements aren't out of line with things early Kira would say about Cardassians and Pike is skeptical. There's no hard evidence that there's any requirement that Gorn eat humanoids, any more than there's a biological requirement for a Klingon to rip out their enemy's heart and eat it before their dying eyes. It could be an entirely philosophical or ideological thing.

Spart117MC said:
Seriously, the more you squint the more obvious it becomes that Disco and Strange New Worlds make more sense as a reboot of Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda. Honestly tell me that the Mycelial network, with how it is visually represented, and how it requires an organic operator to navigate doesn't reek of Slipstream.

I get the feeling that you have not actually watched these shows. They're extremely Star Trek, especially SNW, and don't resemble Andromeda unless you're going purely off a wiki skim.

10ebbor10 · Jun 12, 2022

slybrarian said:
Does it, though? La'an certainly says so, but her statements aren't out of line with things early Kira would say about Cardassians and Pike is skeptical. There's no hard evidence that there's any requirement that Gorn eat humanoids, any more than there's a biological requirement for a Klingon to rip out their enemy's heart and eat it before their dying eyes. It could be an entirely philosophical or ideological thing.

While it is of course possible that La'an is simply wrong, the episode significantly undermines that idea in multiple ways :

1) It provides no countering perspective, neither from the crew on the Enterprise, or through the actions of the Gorn
2) Whenever La'an makes any testable prediction about the Gorn, about their behaviour and such, she is always proven right

Spart117MC · Jun 12, 2022

slybrarian said:
I get the feeling that you have not actually watched these shows. They're extremely Star Trek, especially SNW, and don't resemble Andromeda unless you're going purely off a wiki skim.

What's the difference between reading an in depth plot synopsis of an episode of Discovery versus watching it when it comes to determining if the overall plot of the episode and the message it is telling is in line with established Star Trek values? The performance may be more entertaining and moving but the visual effects and skills of the actors don't change the substance of the story that is being told.

Not that what I've actually seen of the show suggests the performance does much to make Disco feel like a Trek show, not with the swearing and the blatant unprofessionalism, which again makes more sense in the more casual Systems Commonwealth and among the rag tag "future" crew of the Andromeda.

As for SNW, if you go back you'll notice I very clearly didn't watch SNW what with me not knowing the direction that they went with the Gorn until reading about that it in Memory Alpha and I didn't claim otherwise. My statement in regards to SNW was in light of what they turned the Gorn into which given what I do know about Discovery and Picard served as a strong indicator to me that that show was repeating the same mistakes as the other modern Trek shows.

DragonCobolt · Jun 12, 2022

C'nola watched Kes as she walked around Amy, then sighed, shaking her head. "No, sorry, C'nola," she said, her face falling. "I'm...not really a biokinetic. My main aptitude is clairsentience, the best I can do with biokinesis is, like, stop your nose from bleeding. Which is REALLY helpful for psychics considering how often our noses, you know, bleed." She put her hand to her nose, thoughtfully. "But if I try something on Amy without proper training, who knows what she might turn into."

Amy stepped over and bumped her head against her hip. C'nola sighed. "Yeah..." she said, then sat down on the stairs leading up to the second level. "I just...hate it when she gets like this. I feel so freaking useless."

"You're not useless!" Kes said, stepping over and sitting next to her as they watched Amy sniff at her own tail. "I'm useless. Do you know how useless clairsentience is in space? It's evolved for planetary environments - I thought I had a good range, I can see stuff ten thousand kilometers away. Do you know how much that helps in anything? Right now, I can close my eyes and boom! All I can see is just infinite blackness of nothingness!" She laughed, shaking her head, then blushed. "Can't even see my way how to do an orgy right."

"Okay, don't beat yourself up on that, you're a...how old are you again, eighteen?"

"Seven," Kes said.

"Fucking...right..." C'nola put her hand over her face. "Okampans. Shit."

"Hey, seven for us is like, twenty two for you," Kes said, sounding faintly wounded. "I'm the oldest virgin on this ship."

"Uh, no, you're not," C'nola said, shaking her head. "You have to have seen the weirdo nerds that Starfleet recruits." She sighed. "God, I miss Mariner..."

"Someone back in the Alpha Quadrant?" Kes asked and, at C'nola's nod, she smiled slightly. "Okay, so I might not be the oldest virgin on the ship, but...I don't know, it feels like this should be easy by now."

"How many people have you actually dated?" C'nola asked.

"Three," Kes said. "All back on the homeworld." She bit her lip, looking a bit distant. "Should I date more?"

"Yeah," C'nola said, casually. "You need to have a lot of experince. Like me."

Amy woofed.

"WHAT!?" Kes exclaimed.

"What? What did she say?" C'nola asked, but then Kes poked her chest. Hard!

"You lying ratfink!" Kes hissed.

"W-What!?" C'nola stammered. "I don't-"

"Amy says you never dated anyone! You just fell in love with her when they were kids and mooned after her for ten years!"

"Pphfffhshhhuuut up!" C'nola's tail lashed as she sprang to her feet.

Kes snorted. "You really did try and give me advice on dating!"

C'nola blushed. "Fine! Fine! I...just, virginity is bullshit, an orgy is a bad first time for anyone and...like, you don't need to worry so much about this." She shrugged, her cheeks darkening more. "You're cute and cool and anyone would love to bang you, babe."

"Thanks," Kes said, her voice dry.

"Hey, this is my first heart to heart! Cut me some slack!"

Amy woofed.

Kes giggled. "Amy says you do better when you almost die," she says.

The door to the gym opened and T'are came rushing in. She was, in classic Orion style, just barely dressed in a nightgown, her masker thrown around her shoulders. She stumbled into the room, panting. "Kes, I am so sorry," she said, hurriedly - which provoked a quiet muttered see, told you from C'nola. T'are kept coming forward, adjusting her robes around her. "I just, I got...they're really hot and hung, and that is, I'm sorry, I thought more people around would help and-"

The robes caught on one of the rivets on the base of one of the baseball hoops that marked either end of the central part of the gym. The silky material slipped along green flesh and before T'are knew it, she was standing completely naked before C'nola, Kes and Amy, who was sitting back on her haunches, her tongue lolled out happily.

"...and anyway, is there any way I can make it up?" T'are asked after shrugging - showing, again, classic Orion sensibilities.

Amy glowed brightly.

Kes giggled. "It's okay...I think...maybe I'm not really ready for an orgy yet."

"But there's more people?" T'are's brow furrowed.

Amy was sitting in the same posture, but was now quite human, her eyes locked right on T'are's breasts.

"...I don't fucking believe it," C'nola whispered. "If I had just flashed you my BOOBS, would that have worked!?"

Amy's face was beat red as she snapped her head round to look at her girlfriend. She slid her legs under her, then stood, holding up her finger. "...pheromones," she said. "It was...the pheromones."

Kes, C'nola, Amy and T'are all stood in perfect silence.

Save for the faint whirring sound of the air recycler keeping the air filtered and clear.

***

Janeway huffed. "I could..."

"Flunt the drive, Captain," Tuvok said.

"Please, it'll take me, like, five minuets to make an algorithm for subspace kerning," Janeway said, nodding to herself. "Then, I'll have that around for whenever this happens again!"

"It'll be like a tool in our tool belt!" Harry said.

Tuvok sighed slowly, then started a second timer on his console. The first was labeled: Time Since Project Began and had passed the time it took for a drive to be flunted by any reasonable system. The second, he labled: Time To Disaster.

It started to tick up.

On the bridge screen, the Val Jean continued its slow passage through the digestive tract of an alien, space based lifeform.

***

Chakotay gets pegged by a big buff alien lizardgirl with big old titties.

Kissing a Gorn took some practice, and while Brian had only ever...done it once, he found he still rather had the knack for it. Their lips were flexible enough to form words, but they had snouts. This meant, rather than touching lip to lip, Rak tilted her head to the side and let her long, flexible tongue slide out and press to his tongue, teasing him with her taste. His hands glided along her back, gently, as the kiss went on and on - and by the time it was done, his heart was hammering.

Rak murmured. "See, the world didn't end," she said, before chuckling. "Besides...we're not really on a ship anymore. It stopped being a ship and a navy the instant we were tossed out here - beyond the back of the beyond." SHe shrugged. "It's going to be our homes for a long...long time. Think of it like that, Bri. Not like a ship."

Brian bit his lip, then chuckled. "I...guess you're right." He licked his lips, subtly. "And you won't mind not taking my orders?" He smirked. "Being a civilian specialist instead of a crewmember?"

Rak considered, then nodded. "Yeah," she said. "I think I will."

Brian nodded up at her. "Well, then," he said, smiling faintly. "What shall we do about it while trapped in this room with B'lanna's absolutely horrid taste in music."

Rak churred softly. It was a deep, thrumming note - very masculine for such an eminently female figure. It was the same noise she - well, he, at the time - had made before...her claws snicked out, then she raked them down Bri's chest, just barely avoiding grazing his skin as his red and black uniform turned into tatters. Brian yelped, laughed, then grunted as she pushed him firmly onto his back. Her tail whipped behind her as she crooned softly. "You look nice and ready...but how shall we do this..." She said, sliding his pants down around his ankles, before reaching up and tugging her top off with the same casual disregard she had for the state of his clothing.

"You know, we still have to find a replic-" Brian was cut off by the pressure of her fingers against his mouth - not even holding his lips shut, just putting two fingers against his lips.

"Shh," she crooned. "Shhh..." Her tail had stopped swishing, even as she slipped her leggings off. She kicked one raptor clawed foot and...was naked. Brian's heart hammered in his chest like a jackhammer as he watched her prowl atop him. Her tail was lifted up behind her head, exposing her rump to anyone who was behind her...but he was under her. Looking up at her.

"Shh," she hissed one last time. "How do you want this, little Bri?"

"F-Fuck, Rak," He whispered. "You...know how I like it."

"I do. I just like hearing it." She leaned in close. "You want it just like on Aquatain. Don't you?"

"Yeah..." Brian whispered.

"Good thing, then," Rak crooned, her hand reaching out to the side, to one of the shelves. "We're in a storehouse with plenty of lubricant." Her eyes glittered pitilessly as she examined the bottle. "Safe for humans, odorless, tasteless..." She grinned, then grabbed onto Brian's leg, lifting him...but Brian blushed and shook his head.

"You don't-"

"Shh, let me figure that out."

Rak rolled him onto his hands and knees. Her snout was soft and slightly cool against the curve of his balls, her tongue feathering out, teasing him with tiny licks. Brian ducked his head forward, panting quietly. "Fuck, Rak," he whispered, then gasped as her tongue swept up, slipping between the cleft of his ass. She grabbed his hip, holding him in place as she thrust her tongue into him - testing. Brian closed his eyes, rolling his head back, and felt the same comfortable security of before, of Aquatain and their short few days of shore leave. Then he was jerked hastily back to the present by cold, cool liquid sliding along his anus, sparking a short, sharp hiss between his teeth.

"Rak!"

"Hey, it's not warmed, deal with it, monkey boy," Rak murmured. She stood behind him and Brian craned his head back - watching her as she shifted...curious to see exactly what she planned to do. And that was when he saw her locking her hips around her own tail - pressing it against the folds of her sex as the tip thrust out beyond her groin. She grinned at him, then grabbed his hip with one hand, the "base" of her tail with her other, and then pressed the tip to him. Brian laughed, then groaned as she pressed into him - smoothly sliding him with a soft groan.

"F-Fuck..." Brian whispered. "Does...it feel good for you too, Rak?"

"Holyshit this is amazing!" Rak gasped, laughing. "You have to try having a vagina, Brian."

"No thanks!" Brian laughed, then gasped again as she leaned over, nuzzling his neck, rocking her hips - grinding herself against her own tail.

And thrusting into him.

The music clicked off.

"Hey, we got the door unlocked!" Tess' voice came through the door, muffled but ecstatic.

"No you didn't, that's an ORDER!" Brian shouted over his shoulder as Rak laughed, covering her muzzle to keep from being too loud about it.

***

"CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!"

"Captain, it's using the bioneural gel packs to project a force field!" Harry said, almost frantically, as he adjusted his phaser, then yelped and ducked as the captain's chair went sailing through the air to smash into the wall behind him. The writhing mass of cybernetic tentacles and glittering computer components - with the flashing red and erratic text of the PADD in the center of it - screeched its hatred of the universe that had birthed such an abomination into being.

Janeway, who had taken cover behind the tactical console, snapped out and fired her phaser. The beam hit the back of the creature, fuzzing and sparking and hissing harmlessly against the entity's force field.

"I hasten to remind you, Captain," Tuvok said. "You could have-"

"Yes, I know, Tuvok! I know!" Janeway snapped as the PADD-Beast stomped slowly towards her. She hissed, then sprang away as it lifted both of its crude arms up, then brought them smashing down right where she had been moments before. The console sparked and sprayed smoke as it was split in half by its strength.

Janeway stood, backing away from the creature. "Tuvok, any suggestions?"

"Perhaps if we modulate our phasers to figre a kind of neural stunner!" Harry shouted.

"No, you can't fire a neural stunner through a laser dispersal cloud," Janeway said, gesturing to the hissing smoke billowing from the sides of the PADD-Beast. "It'll kill us all. We-"

BANG!

The PADD-Beast jerked, one of its bioneural gel packs exploding with blue froth.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Sparks flew. Cables snipped. The PADD's corner cracked with a spray of plastic fragments. More of the gel packs spurted their frothing liquid onto the floor, staining the carpet as the PADD-Beast slowly writhed, flailing its tentacles. Time seemed to slow...

BANG- PING!

The PADD shattered in half and the PADD-Beast fell to its knees, arms raised to the heaven...and then crashed forward onto the ground.

Dead.

Gral Seska lowered the antique rifle she had in her arms, smoke rising from the barrel and the now gaping feed on the receiver. "Okay," she said in the ringing silence, turning to face Tom Paris, who stood next to her with his own antique rifle, which he had worked the bolt on. "I admit, the M1 Garand does fire faster than-"

"I know, right?" Tom asked, finally fiddling the bolt shut. "You emptied the whole damn clip before I even threw the bolt."

"That is because you're bad at it," Seska said, smiling at him.

Tom grinned. "Funny, I'm pretty good with my hands, usually."

"ANYWAY, HELLO CAPTAIN," Seska practically shouted to the bridge. "...what was that?"

Janeway looked from Seska to the PADD-Beast, smoke rising from it.

She sighed.

"It was...a bit of a flunt," Janeway said, as Seska stepped over to set her antique rifle against the wall, frowning. Tuvok nodded to her.

"You have done an excellent job, Gral Seska. I am marking you down for a commendation for your quick thinking and able handling of a sudden crisis situation." He inclined his head. "You kerned it."

Janeway and Harry both started to laugh.

The Val Jean popped out of the nebular beast - with a spray of glittering dilithium crystal poop.

It was the most beautiful and most bizarre thing thing any of them had seen that week.

ROLL CREDITS

CyberFemme · Jun 12, 2022

I love it.

Spart117MC · Jun 12, 2022

DragonCobolt said:
"Uh, no, you're not," C'nola said, shaking her head. "You have to have seen the weirdo nerds that Starfleet recruits." She sighed. "God, I miss Mariner..."

Huh. Maybe it's because I'm binging Lower Decks to finish it before my Paramount+ trial ends but this episode does read like an episode from that show and not in a bad way.

DragonCobolt said:
BANG!

The PADD-Beast jerked, one of its bioneural gel packs exploding with blue froth.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Sparks flew. Cables snipped. The PADD's corner cracked with a spray of plastic fragments. More of the gel packs spurted their frothing liquid onto the floor, staining the carpet as the PADD-Beast slowly writhed, flailing its tentacles. Time seemed to slow...

BANG- PING!

The PADD shattered in half and the PADD-Beast fell to its knees, arms raised to the heaven...and then crashed forward onto the ground.

Dead.

Gral Seska lowered the antique rifle she had in her arms, smoke rising from the barrel and the now gaping feed on the receiver. "Okay," she said in the ringing silence, turning to face Tom Paris, who stood next to her with his own antique rifle, which he had worked the bolt on. "I admit, the M1 Garand does fire faster than-"

"I know, right?" Tom asked, finally fiddling the bolt shut. "You emptied the whole damn clip before I even threw the bolt."

"That is because you're bad at it," Seska said, smiling at him.

Tom grinned. "Funny, I'm pretty good with my hands, usually."

"ANYWAY, HELLO CAPTAIN," Seska practically shouted to the bridge. "...what was that?"

My disappointment at not seeing these two and their shenanigans is immeasurable.

DragonCobolt said:
"You have done an excellent job, Gral Seska. I am marking you down for a commendation for your quick thinking and able handling of a sudden crisis situation." He inclined his head. "You kerned it."

And who says Vulcans don't have a sense of humor.

DragonCobolt said:
ROLL CREDITS

Now onto canon Voyager's first "will they make it home?" episode.

DragonCobolt · Jun 12, 2022

slybrarian said:
Does it, though? La'an certainly says so, but her statements aren't out of line with things early Kira would say about Cardassians and Pike is skeptical. There's no hard evidence that there's any requirement that Gorn eat humanoids, any more than there's a biological requirement for a Klingon to rip out their enemy's heart and eat it before their dying eyes. It could be an entirely philosophical or ideological thing.

And yet, DS9 has Cardassian characters...

Like, the problem with SNW doing this to the gorn is that they are now stuck: Do they break canon and have the gorn show more character to the characters - which, I'd be fine with, because who gives a shit about canon? But they pat themselves on the back REAL hard in an interview about how they're like, "Oh, well, no one actually sees a gorn, so Arena still makes sense" except, fuckos, you already have La'an SEE THE GORN, she was ON THEIR PLANET.

It's just...kinda bad writing.

Like, the episode itself was not very good. The Gorn are this completely mindless enemy - which means that they don't actually make clever decisions. Quite the opposite, they have one good idea at the start, then every single other decision they make is just...fucking stupid, they get baited into traps that would have embarrassed a TNG Klingon, up to and including SHOOTING THEIR OWN SHIPS because they get a single message about it. Since they make zero interesting decisions, it means the show-writers have to contrive why the Enterprise is constantly getting fucked over, like...for example, saying that an ATMOSPHERE PROCESSOR EXPLODES LIKE AN ATOMIC BOMB WHEN DAMAGED!?

Guys!?

You're running a show set on a spaceship with an antimatter reactor, just USE THAT!?

And since they replace every single scene where you'd cut to the Gorn ship to humanize them with a scene where La'an is reciting verbatim passages from the Codex Astartes and the Gaurdsman's Uplifting Primer, there's no way for us to really know what the Gorn's plans are, so the battlefield feels as if it is just a place where stuff happens. So, it's a submarine episode where one side is stupid and evil, and the other side is stupid and good, and the main character succeed because their enemies are such bloodthirsty monsters that they fire on their own ships at the slightest provocation.

And, like, that last bit COULD HAVE WORKED if, like, we knew that the Gorn thought humans were the actual bloodthirsty monsters. Cause, like, if the Gorn believe humans are the aggressors and then got a message, "humans have taken the ship!" then opened fire on it in a panic to stop the humans...that'd be a really good, Star Trekky kinda plot idea. That the war driving them apart is based more on misunderstanding and confusion than because one side's evil.

But, again...the problem is that if that IS the goal that they're going for, that's a goal that's going to be revealed, like, SIX episodes from now! For now, all we got is just La'an's words and she's 100% right about every single thing she says in the episode. And, moreover, how the flying fuck are they going to actually contradict her without contradicting Arena? Like, I'd be less concerned if they were asked in an interview and just pulled a gigachad move and were like, "Eh, we're just gonna change that canonical information cause we have an idea for a story we like" but no, they're sticking to the "well, Arena is still canon!" which means the characters can't interact with the gorn and ARRRGGH!

MY BRAIN!

Copying balance of terror is a great idea - it's a great episode! but don't copy it by just doing a bad rehash of a submarine episode...like, maybe take inspiration from a different war movie? Do a convoy escort episode, or a midway episode or something...

CyberFemme · Jun 12, 2022

DragonCobolt said:
And yet, DS9 has Cardassian characters...

Like, the problem with SNW doing this to the gorn is that they are now stuck: Do they break canon and have the gorn show more character to the characters - which, I'd be fine with, because who gives a shit about canon? But they pat themselves on the back REAL hard in an interview about how they're like, "Oh, well, no one actually sees a gorn, so Arena still makes sense" except, fuckos, you already have La'an SEE THE GORN, she was ON THEIR PLANET.

It's just...kinda bad writing.

Like, the episode itself was not very good. The Gorn are this completely mindless enemy - which means that they don't actually make clever decisions. Quite the opposite, they have one good idea at the start, then every single other decision they make is just...fucking stupid, they get baited into traps that would have embarrassed a TNG Klingon, up to and including SHOOTING THEIR OWN SHIPS because they get a single message about it. Since they make zero interesting decisions, it means the show-writers have to contrive why the Enterprise is constantly getting fucked over, like...for example, saying that an ATMOSPHERE PROCESSOR EXPLODES LIKE AN ATOMIC BOMB WHEN DAMAGED!?

Guys!?

You're running a show set on a spaceship with an antimatter reactor, just USE THAT!?

And since they replace every single scene where you'd cut to the Gorn ship to humanize them with a scene where La'an is reciting verbatim passages from the Codex Astartes and the Gaurdsman's Uplifting Primer, there's no way for us to really know what the Gorn's plans are, so the battlefield feels as if it is just a place where stuff happens. So, it's a submarine episode where one side is stupid and evil, and the other side is stupid and good, and the main character succeed because their enemies are such bloodthirsty monsters that they fire on their own ships at the slightest provocation.

And, like, that last bit COULD HAVE WORKED if, like, we knew that the Gorn thought humans were the actual bloodthirsty monsters. Cause, like, if the Gorn believe humans are the aggressors and then got a message, "humans have taken the ship!" then opened fire on it in a panic to stop the humans...that'd be a really good, Star Trekky kinda plot idea. That the war driving them apart is based more on misunderstanding and confusion than because one side's evil.

But, again...the problem is that if that IS the goal that they're going for, that's a goal that's going to be revealed, like, SIX episodes from now! For now, all we got is just La'an's words and she's 100% right about every single thing she says in the episode. And, moreover, how the flying fuck are they going to actually contradict her without contradicting Arena? Like, I'd be less concerned if they were asked in an interview and just pulled a gigachad move and were like, "Eh, we're just gonna change that canonical information cause we have an idea for a story we like" but no, they're sticking to the "well, Arena is still canon!" which means the characters can't interact with the gorn and ARRRGGH!

MY BRAIN!

Copying balance of terror is a great idea - it's a great episode! but don't copy it by just doing a bad rehash of a submarine episode...like, maybe take inspiration from a different war movie? Do a convoy escort episode, or a midway episode or something...

SNW is this... Schrodinger's Star Trek, where one moment it'll actually be good and charming and if you're lucky maybe even a bit thought provoking, and the next it's just... really dumb and tacky. And you never know which way the dice will land.

DragonCobolt · Jun 12, 2022

CyberEnby said:
SNW is this... Schrodinger's Star Trek, where one moment it'll actually be good and charming and if you're lucky maybe even a bit thought provoking, and the next it's just... really dumb and tacky. And you never know which way the dice will land.

Well, they're into their Voyager arc this week, by...just...stealing a whole ass plot.

Except they chose Omelas instead of Dragon's Egg.

(Will I one day get to Blink of an Eye and just post the entire text of Dragon's Egg?)

CyberFemme · Jun 12, 2022

DragonCobolt said:
Well, they're into their Voyager arc this week, by...just...stealing a whole ass plot.

Except they chose Omelas instead of Dragon's Egg.

(Will I one day get to Blink of an Eye and just post the entire text of Dragon's Egg?)

I've heard SNW described as Kurtzman wearing a Star Trek shaped suit without knowing how to act in it.

Spart117MC · Jun 12, 2022

So SNW tried to do with the Gorn what Enterprise did with the Romulans and Ferengi in "Minefield" and "Acquisition" only to do what Enterprise did with the Vulcans instead, i.e. assassinate the character of an established species so hard that they're going to need to dedicate an entire story arc to undo the damage, and with a plot that was lifted wholesale from the original show.

Edit:
I can't believe I forgot but Enterprise did a Borg episode too.

Ramble · Jun 12, 2022

Garand ping is great even in writing

CyberFemme · Jun 12, 2022

Spart117MC said:
Edit:
I can't believe I forgot but Enterprise did a Borg episode too.

We all try to.

DragonCobolt · Jun 12, 2022

CyberEnby said:
We all try to.

tbh, I...actually thought Regeneration wasn't that bad.

but also, I don't give a shit about canon.

DracoDracul · Jun 12, 2022

DragonCobolt said:
And yet, DS9 has Cardassian characters...

Like, the problem with SNW doing this to the gorn is that they are now stuck: Do they break canon and have the gorn show more character to the characters - which, I'd be fine with, because who gives a shit about canon? But they pat themselves on the back REAL hard in an interview about how they're like, "Oh, well, no one actually sees a gorn, so Arena still makes sense" except, fuckos, you already have La'an SEE THE GORN, she was ON THEIR PLANET.

Honestly I don't know why that's something you'd even try to stick to. It's the kind of sticking to continuity that's more about not getting angry comments from nerds when previous Trek writers were totally willing to throw out the eugenics wars for the good reason that it's a vague reference that makes harder to do one to one match ups with our history. Like I kind of get it with the Romulans in Enterprise because A) the fact that they look like Vulcans is a huge twist in Balance of Terror and B) subterfuge is really big part of most Romulan plots so the idea that the first war with the Romulans was mostly through proxies, drones, or that Romulan ships would destroy themselves rather than reveal their secrets isn't entirely out of the realm of plausibility (I think if Future Guy was a Romulan would have also help make the show more cohesive if not necessarily better). Them never meeting a Gorn face to face isn't a particularly important part of Arena.

Likewise is someone wanted to do a Ferangi episode (I definitely think modern Trek needs a lot more criticism of capitalism), I wouldn't mind if they showed their faces because the idea that traders would be super secretive is dumb, and The Last Outpost sucks shit. Hell doing a hard reboot or alternate universe when you have the breathing room of a show could be really good because you could update to aesthetics to match more modern sensibilities and show off modern tech.

DragonCobolt said:
tbh, I...actually thought Regeneration wasn't that bad.

but also, I don't give a shit about canon.

Even if you do give a shit about canon I don't think it's bad because First Contact, the good TNG movie, should reasonably give them one shot to do a Borg episode, they took it, and did pretty alright with it. And pretty alright is high praise for Enterprise.

Unrelated, but I don't know where else I'll ever get to mention it, but Enterprise would have been at least 10% better if Bakula had played Trip and Trinneer had played Archer in part because the kind of laidback, down to earth, everyman Bakula is good at is a poor fit for a captain in Star Trek and a good fit for a chief engineer and because Trinneer and Blalock had more chemistry.

DragonCobolt · Jun 13, 2022

Commander R'mor scratched at his jaw as he ducked under the second, third, and fourth bulkhead of his aging K'keridex class bird-of-prey and came onto the bridge while carrying a warm cup of sa. It struck him as deeply, deeply entertaining that Terrans endlessly tired to smuggle ale across the Neutral Zone and not sa. Ale! Green ditchwater drunk by upper class twits with more money than sense, and the Terrans would pay...

R'mor paused, considering. "Say, number one," he said, turning to Sub-Commander R'lash. "Have you ever wondered how, exactly, the Terrans pay for the ale they keep smuggling past us?"

R'lash chuckled. "My mother actually was one of those smugglers, Commander."

"Really?" R'mor asked. "That's why you ended up on this old piece of Vulcan castoff junk?"

"No, Commander," R'lash said, dryly. "That would be my test scores."

R'mor chuckled. "They weren't that bad. If I remember right, you were upper third."

"Exactly, that's why I wasn't thrown out when they arrested my mother and sent her to Remus," R'lash said, her voice growing even drier. "And why I wasn't kicked out when she escaped with the Reman twins that she keeps bragging about."

R'mor made a face. "Ugh."

"Anyway, as I was saying," R'lash said, turning to her console on the bridge, frowning as she reached over and slammed her palm into it - the static that filled the screen fuzzed into line. "She used to smuggle ale and her contact on the Federation side was this character she would not shut up about. His name was...Dirt or something." She shook her head. "Anyway, he would only trade in barter."

"Barter?" R'mor huffed, then sipped his sa. It burned deliciously on the way going down. And it had an energizing effect, unlike ale, which dulled the senses and rendered muscles flaccid and unresponsive.

"Yeah, barter. He kept claiming they didn't use money anymore," R'lash said.

"That's absurd, how would they buy anything?" R'mor asked. "How'd they know who owned what?"

"Mom said that Dirt said that no one owned anything, no private property," R'lash said.

R'mor shuddered. "What a dystopia," he said, his brow furrowing.

"Mom said that Dirt said it was better - then he started going on about means of production and...she kinda stopped paying attention. IT was really annoying, I wanted to know how it worked," R'lash said. "If they don't have people owning things, then how does anyone decide anything? And...they still get stuff done. Have you seen those new battleships they're putting out?"

"Yeah," R'mor said, shuddering. "You know what they call them?"

"What?" R'lash asked.

"Exploration ships," R'mor said, quietly. "Absolute duplicitous psychopaths, the entire species."

"Species," R'lash corrected him. "They're a multispecies empire."

"That's what makes them scary," R'mor said.

The two sat in companionable silence.

They were the only people on the ship.

"You ever think that you're going to get a decent post, Subcommander?" R'mor asked.

"No. You?" R'lash asked.

"No," R'mor said, and both of them grinned at each other.

R'lash and R'mor both heard the chirrup at the same time. "Oh, we have a space weirdness, time to navigate around it," R'lash said, settling herself in her seat as R'mor downed the rest of his sa and then took his seat in the command/tactical chair. As he strapped home, he watched the weirdness flare up - right in the middle of their patrol route.

"Hey, whoa, R'lash, wait, if we give that the required eight light year berth, we'll be a day late to Colony-9," R'mor said.

"So?" R'lash asked.

"Those colonists are within a stone's throw of the Neutral Zone," R'mor said, his voice growing serious. "The Star Empire might think we're useless, but I don't. What exactly is the weirdness?"

"A wormhole," R'lash said.

"Okay...how big?" R'mor asked.

R'lash sighed.

"You're going to get us kiiiiiiilled," she said in a sing song.

"How. Big."

***

Harry panted as he laid on his back next to T'are, who was looking quite ruffled and quite happy - hair sprawled around her head as she snuggled up against his side, her green body mostly still concealed by the sheets, leaving most of the detail to the tactility of their close, simmering contact. Harry, for his part, was doing his best to remember exactly how he had gotten here.

He remembered...

Hey T'are...I found something weird...

Then...

He...

I mean...we have to talk about it after, that's fine, right?

He remembered...popping her masker off...

Pink haze.

Fucking fucking fucking fucking, fucking, more fucking.

Then now.

He shook his head. "Six times, really?" he asked.

T'are laughed, giddly, nuzzling against him. "Youuu've never been exposed to pheremones before..." She murmured. "I knew it since the first time you begged off..." She bit his neck, playfully. Harry laughed, despite himself, blinking at the ceiling.

"Heh...r...right! Weirdness!" he said.

"Mmm, I'll say," T'are murmured.

"No! The thing! I was gonna..." Harry tried to sit up - and he kind of...half managed it. He flopped up, then thumped back and to the side, his muscles feeling as limp and well stretched as noodles left in the pot for...six hours too long, honestly. He sprawled onto his back as T'are laughed, giddily.

"Okay, uh...is it an actually important thing or is it more boring important?" she asked, sounding faintly high.

Harry tried to think through the growing haze of pheromones being breathed into his synapses with every panting breath. The clarity that had come from, ahem, reading the climax of the affair had been fleeting - and his body was beginning to react. He mimed his throat, gesturing there, and T'are hastily grabbed her masker, slipping it on and adjusting it up. His brain cleared and he blinked at the ceiling.

"I think it's fun important," he said.

"More fun than this?" T'are murmured.

Silence.

"No," Harry said.

"...soooo..." T'are reached down, her finger resting on the knob of the master. Harry reached up, considered, then grinned and set the dial to 0.

The aftereffects were going to be an issue for future Harry.

***

Future Harry groaned, bent over the console in astrometrics, while T'are drank happily from her cup of replicated sa. "So," she said. "What is the fun thing you wanted to work with?" she asked, as Janeway entered into the room. She blinked, seeing the two of them, and Harry gave her a wan smile.

"Glad you got my message," he said.

"Hey Captain!" T'are said. "Harry is here to show me something interesting."

"Mr. Kim..." Janeway said.

"Not that," T'are said, quickly. "...though-"

"No, no, it's..." Harry tapped at the controls, hunting and pecking his way through the LCARs menu. As he worked, Janeway frowned, then sniffed twice at the air.

"Is that Romulan sa you're drinking?" she asked, quietly.

"Yeah," T'are said. "Don't worry, it's safe." She showed her the cup had a cap on it so the liquid, which was so preposterously psychoactive on humans that it led to trips that could last several hours in objective time and multiple decades subjective - and were so variable that several people had needed full on retrograde amnesiac treatments just to recover from it - had been safely contained from splashing and spillage.

"Okay," Harry said, standing up and wincing. "Ah. My back."

"Mr. Kim, do I need to remind you about fleet policy about Orions?" Janeway asked, her voice somewhere between serious and slightly playful.

"I know, don't play if you can't play," Harry said, wincing. "I'll make sure to...pace myself better next time. Captain. Now!" He brought up the astrometric hologram that he had been working on. "Yesterday, I picked this up on the tachyon scans - I've been studying it as we approached and...I found something interesting."

He tapped a button.

The astrometric hologram shifted, showing that it was map of the galaxy, with the subspace map of the galaxy laid underneath it. Two green points flared to life - with a long thin tube between them. Janeway put her hand over her mouth. "Harry Kim, is that a wormhole to the Alpha Quadrent?"

"That it is, Captain," Harry said.

"...it's..." T'are narrowed her eyes. "Harry, its barely wider than one point six times ten to the negative eight meters across! It's barely big enough to fit a molecule down!"

"I know, I know!" Harry said. "And it's not stable. We can't enlarge it. But! But! I detected it because I was getting a signal through it - subspace traffic." He smiled, then thumbed the last button - and a voice began to speak from the message. It was a humming, sing song tune. T'are listened to it, frowning.

"That's Romulan," she said. "The wormhole's subspace modulation is messing up the universal translator...it's..." She laughed. "It's a very, uh, sad romance song. Must be someone who's really bored."

"Can we signal them?" Janeway asked, excitement in her voice.

"I...uh..." Harry said. "...maybe?"

Janeway stuck her tongue into her cheek. "Okay. Now...how do we make this approach..."

This might not be a chance to get home.

But it might be a chance to let home know they were alive.

---
CURRENT TRUTHS: "Wormhole...TO HOME!?"
CURRENT MOMENTUM: 0

What say?
[ ] Be honest - you're the USS Voyager, you're way off course, you want to make peaceful contact.
[ ] Be cagey - tell them you're a terran ship, on the far end of the wormhole, try and get an idea of what's going on.
[ ] Try and fake being Romulans - for all you know, they might think you're an attempted Federation sneak attack or something and start a war back home
[ ] Write In

Rivenscryr · Jun 13, 2022

DragonCobolt said:
His name was...Dirt or something

Goddamnit Mudd, are you responsible for every bit of smuggling in the Alpha Quadrant?! xD

As for what to do, well, the Romulans will never expect us to...

[X] Be honest - you're the USS Voyager, you're way off course, you want to make peaceful contact.

ThatGazzer · Jun 13, 2022

[X] Be honest - you're the USS Voyager, you're way off course, you want to make peaceful contact.

No way for this to be misinterpreted

DragonCobolt said:
"Exploration ships," R'mor said, quietly. "Absolute duplicitous psychopaths, the entire species."

"Species," R'lash corrected him. "They're a multispecies empire."

"That's what makes them scary," R'mor said.

The two sat in companionable silence.

Quark:
I want you to try something for me. Take a sip of this.
Garak:
What is it?
Quark:
A human drink. It's called root beer.
Garak:
[unwilling] Uh, I don't know...
Quark:
Come on, aren't you just a little bit curious? [Garak sighs, takes a sip and gags]
Quark:
What do you think?
Garak:
It's *vile*!
Quark:
I know. It's so bubbly, and cloying, and *happy*.
Garak:
Just like the Federation.
Quark:
But you know what's really frightening? If you drink enough of it, you begin to *like* it.
Garak:
It's insidious!
Quark:
*Just* like the Federation.

Rivenscryr · Jun 13, 2022

I mean look, the Romulans have a policy of avoiding space weirdness for a reason, while the Federation doesn't. Getting pulled way off course by space weirdness would be perfectly believable, I think!

Ah, the good old root beer speech! It's glorious!

bigking321 · Jun 13, 2022

DragonCobolt said:
His name was...Dirt or something.

Heh. Mudd.

Hilarious.

[X] Be honest - you're the USS Voyager, you're way off course, you want to make peaceful contact.

We got a Trait that gives a bonus for Diplomacy or from passing Diplomacy checks, right?

Seems like that might be relevant this episode since we can only talk to each other through a pinhole.

Swedish15 · Jun 13, 2022

[X] Be honest - you're the USS Voyager, you're way off course, you want to make peaceful contact.

Let's Diplomance! Also, C'Nola is as much an Amy wrangler as vice versa.

Eater · Jun 13, 2022

[X] Be honest - you're the USS Voyager, you're way off course, you want to make peaceful contact.

The 'they're obviously lying' bit about the federation never steps being funny and sad in equal measure.

STAR TREK: A Long Road (Voyager Fix It Quest)

DON'T PANIC

Amateur human

Creature of Fable

DON'T PANIC

Amateur human

Amateur human

Amateur human

Transbian Communist

Minds Eye Bind