Bleh.
~~~
Adamantium Chef
~~~
Tell me what you eat, and I'll tell you what you are.
-- The God-Emperor of Mankind, probably.
~~~
And today's theme ingredient… is raptor!
And we're off to a roaring start! Masterchef Johann immediately going for the shank, while Challenger Kinomoto is taking a hammer to those thighbones. Joining us today on our cuisine journey, it is our great honour to host our Governor himself.
FREDERICK ROTBART: I'm just here for the free food.
And joining him is his graceful daughter, taking leave from her duties in the void, Syr Rotbart!
SYR ROTBART: Glad to be here. I've always liked the show.
Words of high praise. And lastly, the angelslayer himself, Jacob Oakheart!
JACOB OAKHEART: It's my pleasure, Ronaldo. Shout-outs to all my big peeps and also those people who keep sending nudie picts.
The pleasure is all ours. My, what a collection of celebrities we have today! On the floor, as always, is our reporter Hansen Withcombe. Withcombe, what do you have for us?
WITHCOMBE: Yes, I asked Challenger Kinomoto what he was doing with the thighbones, and he said, "I'm cracking them for the marrow to cook a bone broth."
Alright, Challenger Kinomoto setting up a soup. And we see Masterchef Johann with some fancy knifework. It seems to be uneven, however.
W: Ronaldo?
Yes, what do you got for us?
W: Yes, I asked Masterchef Johann what he was doing, and he said, "I'm slicing these up for the slow cooker. The thicknesses will affect how the flavour permeates for variety."
That sounds delectable.
F: Aren't raptors basically chicken meat?
Ooh, that's dangerous ground, Governor. There are some chefs that have an angry word or two in reserve for people that say that.
F: Good luck.
W: Ronaldo?
Yes, go ahead.
W: While some cuts of the raptor do bear resemblance to poultry meat, its size and strength gives its thicker muscles a more beef-like consistency, while its internals are often cushioned with fats. It's this variety in meats that makes it a powerful theme ingredient.
There we have it, folks. Raptors, the all-in-one carvery.
~~~
F: How long is this going to take? I'm already hungry.
Fifteen minutes have elapsed, Governor, so another forty-five minutes.
F: This always seemed shorter on the vidstream.
We edit it down.
W: Ronaldo?
Yes, go ahead.
W: I'm not sure if you're looking, but Challenger Kinomoto has just rolled out the dough he was mixing earlier. When I asked him what he was making, he replied, "I'm softening the dough to make noodles."
Alright, looks like noodles are on the menu. Mr. Oakheart, what are you eating?
J: It's jerky.
Interesting. Raptor jerky?
J: Mhm.
S: Are you kidding me? Why would you bring snacks to a cooking show?
J: Why wouldn't I?
F: If you have some to spare, I wouldn't mind a slice.
J: Yeah, sure.
Mm. Very chewy, Mr. Oakheart. Is this cheek meat? It's quite a delicacy.
S: Is it? Let me have some.
Due to most raptors being slain via headshot, intact headmeats are quite scarce. Of course, it doesn't actually taste very good.
S: Bleh.
Being in proximity to lasers, the meat becomes resistant to heat. It's actually quite tough and hard to cook; some Mechanicus consultants have actually based heat-dispersion systems on the meat. It's best to slice it thinly and stew it to release the flavours. Oh, I see Masterchef Johann pounding on a mortar.
W: Ronaldo?
We're listening.
W: Yes, Masterchef Johann is making a mustard sauce from a mix of fireseed and normal mustard grains. The fireseed is for the extra kick!
J: I killed a man with fireseeds once. Poured 'em straight into his mouth and lit a match. It was like a grenade. Witchy teeth everywhere.
Quite a last meal!
F: Jacob, I'm eating here.
S: Stop ruining your appetite!
J: It's not that bad.
Indeed, once you—
F: It's worse.
S: Then spit it
out.
F: No. I'm almost enjoying it.
~~~
Challenger Kinomoto is piling in chunks of corned meat in a speed-cooker. What is he doing?
W: Ronaldo?
Go on.
W: Challenger Kinomoto is softening the meats. I believe he intends to make a
rillettes, which is a cured spread.
J: Like on toast?
W: Yes, Master Oakheart, he is actually preparing a garlic toast with some coriander.
J: Well, he's got my vote.
F: Perhaps at some point on this cooking show we will actually
eat food.
S: You already had your jerky.
F: I said food. That tasted like old grox leather.
J: When did you eat grox leather?
F: I had a life before Avernus, you springbok.
J: A life of eating grox leather?
F: I sorted investigation permits.
J: I'd take the grox leather.
F: And you'd be a better man for it. Oh for god's sake, what is this nonsense. I am your superior officer! Make a snack!
And with that, the contestants will take a five-minute recess to cook some snacks. Looking forward to it!
S: Dang it, Dad.
~~~
And we're back.
F: Stop hogging the garlic bread.
J: No.
Challenger Kinomoto baked some fresh baguettes with garlic butter and mozzarella, while Masterchef Johann popped some bulletcorn and drizzled it in caramel and rock salt. How is it, Madam Rotbart?
S: This is the best thing I've put in my mouth in my life.
F: That's lovely to know, Syr.
S: I'm a grown woman. I can date whoever I want.
F: No you're not. It'd be criminal. Whomever.
S: I'm nearly
two hundred, Dad. You know, this morning, I found a
gray hair.
F: I mean that it's illegal.
S: No, it's not.
S: It's not, right?
J: I think you look pretty fit. For a two hundred year old hag.
S: That's rich, punk. Come back when you grow your first beard.
J: I have a beard!
S: You have whiskers. You have a case of terminal babyface.
F: You should shave, Jacob. Your facial hair lacks distinction.
J: That's harsh! Why didn't you tell me earlier?
F: The discrepancy between your self-image and actual image is amusing.
J: I killed an Angyl, you know!
F: And we hoped you wouldn't need the same amount of assistance to manicure your mouth but we were bitterly disappointed.
J: I can't believe this. Traitors and mercenaries, the lot of you. The lot of you!
F: If you can't be trusted with the garlic bread, it will be confiscated.
F: Spit it out.
J: Mwo.
F: Well, then.
S: I've never seen a man swallow a whole baguette successfully.
F: Waiter, more garlic bread!
~~~
And Masterchef Johann has begun slicing blue plums, handing them off to the saucier. I think we're in for some fruity condiments!
J: I've never had blue plums before.
F: It sort of tastes like eyeball.
J: Oh, I see.
S: No, it doesn't.
F: How would you know, Syr? Have you ever had eyeball?
S: Have
you?
F: Five different species.
Raptor eyeballs are also a delicacy. Eyes are often the victims of initial assaults to cripple their targeting capacity. I'm told the flavour is uniquely scrumptious.
J: They're not great.
You've tried them before?
J: I came across one in the underworld. It must have fallen in ages ago, it was so old and hurt. All its scales were cracked and soft, and it couldn't even lift its head. When it saw me it didn't even move. It just lay there and let me kill it.
How was the taste?
J: S'alright. Sorta like salty jellycups. I just cut out a hole and
slurp.
F: That's definitely not what blue plums taste like.
S: I will call the police on both of you.
~~~
And Challenger Kinomoto has started broiling the stock! I hope his broth is brothy enough; the usual recommended duration is ten hours for a truly delectable soup.
W: Ronaldo?
The floor is yours.
W: Yes, Challenger Kinomoto is using a special high vibration cooker to speed up the cooking. He expects it will be completed in less than twenty minutes.
Bless the Omnissiah for his boons, Withcombe.
???: Excuse me. Are you committing a crime?
What in—security!
F: Oh, hello, Jane.
J: Mother.
???: I was notified of an ongoing criminal act.
F: Surely you have better things to do than patrol the kitchen stadiums.
???: Not so. Was the report erroneous? The fine for abusing the arbitrator reporting system is imprisonment for a period of up to seven hundred days.
S: I called you because Dad is being a twit.
???: I see. Frederick, surrender yourself to custody. Unsanctioned twittery is punishable under the Mischief and Tomfoolery Act of 43.
F: You'll never take me alive.
Excuse me, we are in the middle of a competition. Could you please sign in?
???: My apologies. Jane Oakheart, Rank Three Arbitrator.
Excellent. What are your opinions on cuisine?
O: I prefer flavourless nutrient mixtures tailored for optimal performance.
I see. And Jacob here is your son.
O: Regretfully, yes. This disgraceful charlatan is my sole legacy to the world--
J: What is this? What is going on?
O: --and I can only humbly beg you to tolerate his many, many flaws.
F: Since you asked so nicely.
O: You can ignore that one, though.
As you wish. Are you joining the judging panel?
O: I believe I am qualified to render judgements.
Please have a look at the criteria sheet. Are you able to identify the forty-three flavours and textures of Imperial cuisine?
O: Do you mean forty-five?
Samyugh and
pirgigo are purely theoretical. They've never been encountered in nature.
O: You'd be surprised what telepaths can do.
Please tell me more.
W: Ronaldo?
Ah, yes, go on.
W: The chefs haven't cooked enough to plate for four.
I see. We'll have to eliminate a judge.
~~~
S: Why am I up here? And don't say it's my fault.
J: But it is.
This is a short elimination round, called "Carrot in a Box." In front of each of you is a box. Inside of one of the boxes is a carrot. Jane Oakheart, you want a carrot. Syr Rotbart, you want a carrot. Whoever has the carrot will continue on as a judge. Whoever does not… will not. This is a game of bluff.
O: I see.
S: This is stupid.
You brought this on yourself, Miss Rotbart. Now, Miss Oakheart, please have a look inside your box.
O: Very well.
No, no, don't reach inside. Only look. Have you confirmed for yourself the contents of that box?
O: Yes.
At this point, you must convince Miss Rotbart to swap her box for yours, if you believe her box has the carrot, or you must convince her not to swap the boxes, and let you keep yours, if your box has the carrot.
O: No, I'll keep it.
F: You what—
J: Moooom—
O: It has the carrot in it. That's the optimal state, isn't it?
Please don't rattle the carrot—the box. Miss Rotbart, you now—ahem, you have the choice of swapping the boxes, if you believe she has a carrot in her box. I will level with you, she seems pretty confident. She could be bluffing, though.
O: You can't make people swap boxes. That's extortion.
Let go of the box. Put it down, that's the nature of the game. Miss Rotbart?
S: So I can keep the box without a carrot, or have the box that's got a carrot. Ronaldo, I want that box.
Alright, we'll swap the boxes. Miss Oakheart, I'm sorry, please relinquish the box. Please. The boxes are now swapped. Miss Rotbart, please confirm the contents of your box.
S: There's no fucking carrot.
~~~
With that, our new judge is Jane Oakheart. Miss Oakheart, talk us through your train of thought.
O: I thought to myself, Syr, she's a bit thick, she'll believe anything you tell her.
S: I lost the moment I thought you'd never played "Carrot in a Box," you treacherous double-faced brigand.
O: Like filling a cup with a thimble, this one.
Lovely. I hope you're ready for the tasting.
~~~
Masterchef Johann
Masterchef Johann comes to us with five meals. First up is the raptor consommé with fresh parsley. Look at that glisten! Next is a slow-cooked sirloin, drowned in fireberry mustard. The flavours pop right in your eyes. Roasted ribs with a plum and pepper crust are laid on a bed of lettuce, followed by cold drunken raptor with spring onion garnish. For dessert, a raptor jelly, clear as amber.
~~~
Challenger Kinomoto
Challenger Kinomoto presents us with five dishes. The raptor carpaccio is served alongside a light seafood broth. The arrangement calls to mind the leaves of the bloodoak. Raptor rillettes, a light salted pate spread, is served on a coriander and garlic sourdough. He follows it up with pan-fried raptor with a side of deep-fried raptor intestine. After that is raptor noodle soup, a gourmet take on the classic. Finishing it off is a unique tavuk gogsu dessert, ice cream for the carnivore.
~~~
And now, the tasting begins. First up, the challenger's carpaccio.
F: Is this all there is? It looks like something peeled off a steak.
J: It's pretty good. Bit raw.
O: The prawn stock was overcooked.
Next up, raptor rillettes.
J: I didn't know you could make meat butter. Where have you been all my life?
O: The bread is unnecessary.
F: Do you want some, Syr? Open your mouth, I'll toss it.
Please do not throw food. Now, pan-fried raptor with a side of intestine.
J: These things are crispy! And tasty. I wonder what this spice is.
F: It's salt and pepper, Jacob.
J: Oh, like your hair. I get it now.
F: You can insult my hair when you grow some yourself.
O: Jacob, insulting the Governor is illegal.
J: No it isn't. I checked.
O: It is de facto illegal, in that you will be imprisoned indefinitely from the many people attempting to assassinate you.
J: They already do. Someone tried to poison me with a parchment letter, you know.
O: It was aphrodisiac pollen.
J: What? Why didn't you tell me?
O: I am a woman of dignity.
J: Were they going to deflower me?
F:
Deflower?
J: Well I never got around to it, you know, what with swords. I don't even know anyone who'd even be interested.
F: Who'd even be
interested ahahaha
haaaa--
~~~
And now, the masterchef's dishes.
J: It's got kind of an aftertaste.
F: Usually you don't pour consommé down your gullet like filling a fuel tank.
J: You can't tell me what to do, old man.
Next, sirloin slow-cooked with mustard.
O: Finally, a worthy foe.
F: Oh heavens, they aren't kidding with this mustard.
J: I've had chemical burns with less punch than this.
Roasted ribs with plum and pepper crust. A delectable sensation symphony.
F: Use napkins.
J: You can't tell me what to—oh shit.
O:
Hubris.
~~~
The judges have completed their courses. Now, the judgement is made. Who takes it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme?
MASTERCHEF – 1 – 1 – 0
CHALLENGER – 0 – 0 – 1
Masterchef Johann takes the victory! His five course raptor meal encompasses the quintessential qualities of raptor cuisine, inspired by the years toiling in the Garden Grove manufactorium! Challenger Kinomoto's exotic orbital style cuisine has failed to topple the giant today!
But our true hero today is the Governor. Do you have any words for the audience today?
F: Theophagy. Cinnamon. Viburnum. Daub.
A lovely arrangement.
J: I don't get it.
~~~
AN: The greatest hustle of all time,
carrot in a box.
