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Veering Left (NGE Fanfic)
- Thread starter RedDestroyer1361
- Start date
Ranma-sensei
Sorcerer
- Location
- Citrix Receiver
- Pronouns
- Weatherdependent
I usually color the mistakes red, and the corrections green.
- Location
- United States
Oh, so that's how you do that. Can't believe I couldn't figure that out lol
Thank you
Chapter 5.3 10/15/2015 (5:56 AM)
- Location
- United States
This one is also a bit of a throwaway...not least because it's more than half the first segment from Asuka's POV instead of Kaji's. But, nevertheless, necessary to advance the plot, so here you are.
I'll try to have at least one more segment up by the end of the day.
•5:56 AM
My alarm isn't set to go off for more than hour, but I just can't wait that long. For over two hours, since I ran out of Shinji's room, I've been trying to sleep. But even though I'm exhausted, I just...can't.
Well, to hell with it then!
Throwing off my blankets, I rise to my feet and start to get dressed in my school uniform. I don't have to be there until 8:30, but...I just need to get away.
Maybe I'll walk to Hikari's house and then walk to school with her. That should work out time wise.
All I know is, I don't want to face Misato or Shinji when they wake up.
As I put on my socks and shoes, I wonder how I'm going to explain my early arrival at Hikari's house. She'll probably be innocently curious as to why I'm there, but...if I lie about it...well, Hikari is actually good at reading people...except, of course for Jock Stooge, and seeing that he likes her.
But anyway, Hikari's going to press me if she thinks I'm lying. I know it's just because she'll be worried, but...I don't think I can stomach telling her everything. And...what will she think of me...if I do tell her...or if she finds out?
'Don't think about that right now, just focus on getting away from here, and clearing your mind.'
Several minutes later, fully dressed, I walk to my door, and as quietly as I can, I walk out into the hallway. The whole apartment is silent and still, no sounds of life, save for my soft footsteps on the carpet.
My heart is banging against my chest, the terror of possibly waking anyone and having to face them right now filling every limb with the jangle of adrenaline.
At last, I've made it to the living room. I look over at the lump under a blanket on the couch, hoping I haven't roused him either.
I tiptoe my way towards the kitchen, but just as I reach the threshold...
"Asuka?"
The voice is deep and male, so thankfully it isn't Shinji or Misato, but still...I turn around to see Kaji sitting up on the couch.
"Good morning Kaji," I say dully. "Did I wake you?"
Kaji smiles slightly. "I'm a light sleeper. You know that."
It was true; when I lived with him, anytime I went to wake him up for something...he would always already be awake. Always...it was weird, like he never slept.
Of course...after he told me a bit of his past during the aftermath of Second Impact...
"Well, I'm sorry I woke you. I'm leaving now anyway." And I turn to leave.
"Okay, I'll walk you out," he says, rising to his feet. He follows me outside, and after closing the door behind him, turns to face me.
Should've figured he'd want to talk with me before I left. Well, no getting out of it now, I guess.
"Aren't you leaving a little early for school?" he asks. His tone is pleasant, but his eyes are fixed on me with a sharp intensity.
"Yeah, so?" I shoot back, making it clear to him I do NOT want to talk right now.
"So...I'd like to know where you're going, because I doubt that you're really going to school this early." His tone, while still pleasant, brooks no argument.
"I'm going to Hikari's," I reply with some exasperation. "Happy? I want to walk to school with her is all." I throw my hair back impatiently, glaring at Kaji. "Can I go now?"
Kaji folds his arms, leaning back against the wall, his eyes narrowed with skepticism. "Why not just call Miss Horaki, and have her meet you here?"
I sigh with frustration. Apparently Kaji isn't getting the simple fact that I don't want to be here right now. Or he's choosing to ignore it. "Kaji, I'm leaving now. Just butt out, okay?"
And I turn to leave, walking towards the elevator.
"Asuka, wait." Kaji pushes away from the wall in time to put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I would have melted at the touch of his hand. But now, I have only the desire to throw it off and run as far away as possible. But when I look back and see his face, something stops me.
Kaji looks...worried. Is it possible that's the whole reason he's trying to stop me?
"Asuka," he says in a quiet voice, "I just...I'd much rather have Ms. Horaki come to here to you. I don't like the idea of you wandering off on your own when you're feeling like this."
For a moment, I want to argue back...
But what would I say? Truthfully, it does make more sense for Hikari to stop here, since it's essentially on her way to school. But...I'm less worried about the inconvenience than I am about...the possibility that Shinji or Misato could come out here right now...
And I'm not ready for that. I don't know that I ever will be either...
Noticing the way I keep glancing over his shoulder at the apartment door, Kaji smiles reassuringly and says, "I'm sure they're both still asleep. Even so, we can wait for her outside the building. And if they happen to show up before Ms. Horaki gets here, I'll be here to defuse the situation."
With that, I decide that I no longer have a reason to argue with him, and sigh heavily in resignation. "Alright then if it'll make you feel better, I'll wait here. Hopefully Hikari won't mind coming here."
Kaji looks greatly relieved at this. Smiling he says, "I don't think she will. You've mentioned before that this is basically on her way to school anyway."
Several minutes, and one cellphone call later, Kaji and I sit outside the building waiting for Hikari to arrive, enjoying the wonderfully cool and pleasant early morning; the oppressive heat and humidity of Japan's permenant summer still several hours away.
Not for the first time, I find myself wishing that the Angels had chosen to attack Berlin instead of Tokyo 3. Not that I really wish the destruction of this war on my own country, but still...the knowledge that Japan will never see another autumn makes me homesick when I realize that back in Germany, the leaves will be just starting to change color, the weather becoming more and more pleasantly mild as the countdown to winter commences. And more than that, I miss my native language, the familiar foods, the sounds, smells, sights, and culture of my homeland.
And what's more, if the Angels had come to Germany, maybe I wouldn't be so far behind Shinji and Wondergirl, having to struggle to keep up just to uphold my reputation. I'd probably have already racked up an enviable kill count, and wouldn't have needed help from anyone to do it...well, except for maybe the Seventh, Eighth, and Tenth Angels, but who knows; if I'd had a different commanding officer, maybe they'd have come up with strategies that didn't require more than one Eva to fight those Angels.
Though there is one thing, I admit, that I don't miss about home though...I never had friends back in Germany. Here, I at least have Hikari and...well, I HAD Shinji. For all my bullying of him, which at times involved teasing him, despite knowing perfectly well that he was attracted to me, the simple truth is...and I'm becoming more and more aware of it every passing minute...is that I genuinely trust him, I value his good nature, and I enjoy his company. And I threw all of that away last night. Now, I'm too ashamed to even face him.
I hang my head, staring down at my knees. I wonder if it would have been better for everyone if the Angels had chosen Berlin as their target, then I could have stayed there. And if everything had worked out properly, there might have been no need to send the First and Third Children over there.
Or they could have sent just one...I guess I could stomach having to work with Wondergirl at least. But Shinji...I clench my fists fretfully. It would have better if Shinji and I had never met eachother. Better for both of us...better for him.
Strange...why is it that I care so damn much about him when he's not around? The moment I get near him, all I can think about is how much he pisses me off. Well, soon it won't matter I guess. I'll only see Shinji at NERV and school after today, then hopefully, once I'm living with Hikari...well...if she's okay with it anyway...everything will go back to normal for me. Speaking of my new living arrangements...
I turn to look at Kaji, who himself seems to be lost in thought.
"I take it you're going to tell Misato everything today?", I ask.
With a jolt of surprise, Kaji snaps out his musings and turns to face me. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"
Patiently, I repeat, "I asked if you were going to tell Misato...everything about what happened."
Kaji nods in agreement. "Yes."
"Any advice you can give me?" I ask, my tone vaguely joking, despite the seriousness of the question.
Kaji smiles wryly in response. "You weren't afraid to show me that you regretted what happened. Do the same with her."
"If she doesn't automatically rip my head off when I walk in the door after school," I say bitterly. "To make matters worse, she's always favored Shinji over me. I'd just best hope that she doesn't let her anger with me affect her professionally. I really don't fancy being sent on a suicide mission or used as Angel fodder."
"Now Asuka," Kaji reproaches, "Katsuragi would never do such a thing to you. She won't be happy about what's happened, but she'd NEVER throw you to the wolves out of spite, I assure you. And in any case, when I tell her, I'll make sure to talk down the worst of her anger." He smiles bracingly at me. "You have my word that by the time you talk with her, she'll at least be reasonable."
"Hey, Asuka!" I turn to see Hikari walking up the street towards us.
"Hi Hikari," I respond, attempting a smile.
"Oh, hello Mr. Kaji," Hikari says turning to Kaji as she comes to a stop.
"Good morning Miss Horaki," Kaji replies with a smile. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," Hikari says with a small bow.
Hikari then turns to me. "So, are we ready to go?"
"Yeah, I'm all set," I tell her.
"Alright then. Bye Mr. Kaji."
I turn to Kaji. "See you later then. And Kaji..." I hesitate for a moment. "Thank you."
Kaji just smiles reassuringly in response before turning to leave.
I'll try to have at least one more segment up by the end of the day.
•5:56 AM
My alarm isn't set to go off for more than hour, but I just can't wait that long. For over two hours, since I ran out of Shinji's room, I've been trying to sleep. But even though I'm exhausted, I just...can't.
Well, to hell with it then!
Throwing off my blankets, I rise to my feet and start to get dressed in my school uniform. I don't have to be there until 8:30, but...I just need to get away.
Maybe I'll walk to Hikari's house and then walk to school with her. That should work out time wise.
All I know is, I don't want to face Misato or Shinji when they wake up.
As I put on my socks and shoes, I wonder how I'm going to explain my early arrival at Hikari's house. She'll probably be innocently curious as to why I'm there, but...if I lie about it...well, Hikari is actually good at reading people...except, of course for Jock Stooge, and seeing that he likes her.
But anyway, Hikari's going to press me if she thinks I'm lying. I know it's just because she'll be worried, but...I don't think I can stomach telling her everything. And...what will she think of me...if I do tell her...or if she finds out?
'Don't think about that right now, just focus on getting away from here, and clearing your mind.'
Several minutes later, fully dressed, I walk to my door, and as quietly as I can, I walk out into the hallway. The whole apartment is silent and still, no sounds of life, save for my soft footsteps on the carpet.
My heart is banging against my chest, the terror of possibly waking anyone and having to face them right now filling every limb with the jangle of adrenaline.
At last, I've made it to the living room. I look over at the lump under a blanket on the couch, hoping I haven't roused him either.
I tiptoe my way towards the kitchen, but just as I reach the threshold...
"Asuka?"
The voice is deep and male, so thankfully it isn't Shinji or Misato, but still...I turn around to see Kaji sitting up on the couch.
"Good morning Kaji," I say dully. "Did I wake you?"
Kaji smiles slightly. "I'm a light sleeper. You know that."
It was true; when I lived with him, anytime I went to wake him up for something...he would always already be awake. Always...it was weird, like he never slept.
Of course...after he told me a bit of his past during the aftermath of Second Impact...
"Well, I'm sorry I woke you. I'm leaving now anyway." And I turn to leave.
"Okay, I'll walk you out," he says, rising to his feet. He follows me outside, and after closing the door behind him, turns to face me.
Should've figured he'd want to talk with me before I left. Well, no getting out of it now, I guess.
"Aren't you leaving a little early for school?" he asks. His tone is pleasant, but his eyes are fixed on me with a sharp intensity.
"Yeah, so?" I shoot back, making it clear to him I do NOT want to talk right now.
"So...I'd like to know where you're going, because I doubt that you're really going to school this early." His tone, while still pleasant, brooks no argument.
"I'm going to Hikari's," I reply with some exasperation. "Happy? I want to walk to school with her is all." I throw my hair back impatiently, glaring at Kaji. "Can I go now?"
Kaji folds his arms, leaning back against the wall, his eyes narrowed with skepticism. "Why not just call Miss Horaki, and have her meet you here?"
I sigh with frustration. Apparently Kaji isn't getting the simple fact that I don't want to be here right now. Or he's choosing to ignore it. "Kaji, I'm leaving now. Just butt out, okay?"
And I turn to leave, walking towards the elevator.
"Asuka, wait." Kaji pushes away from the wall in time to put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I would have melted at the touch of his hand. But now, I have only the desire to throw it off and run as far away as possible. But when I look back and see his face, something stops me.
Kaji looks...worried. Is it possible that's the whole reason he's trying to stop me?
"Asuka," he says in a quiet voice, "I just...I'd much rather have Ms. Horaki come to here to you. I don't like the idea of you wandering off on your own when you're feeling like this."
For a moment, I want to argue back...
But what would I say? Truthfully, it does make more sense for Hikari to stop here, since it's essentially on her way to school. But...I'm less worried about the inconvenience than I am about...the possibility that Shinji or Misato could come out here right now...
And I'm not ready for that. I don't know that I ever will be either...
Noticing the way I keep glancing over his shoulder at the apartment door, Kaji smiles reassuringly and says, "I'm sure they're both still asleep. Even so, we can wait for her outside the building. And if they happen to show up before Ms. Horaki gets here, I'll be here to defuse the situation."
With that, I decide that I no longer have a reason to argue with him, and sigh heavily in resignation. "Alright then if it'll make you feel better, I'll wait here. Hopefully Hikari won't mind coming here."
Kaji looks greatly relieved at this. Smiling he says, "I don't think she will. You've mentioned before that this is basically on her way to school anyway."
Several minutes, and one cellphone call later, Kaji and I sit outside the building waiting for Hikari to arrive, enjoying the wonderfully cool and pleasant early morning; the oppressive heat and humidity of Japan's permenant summer still several hours away.
Not for the first time, I find myself wishing that the Angels had chosen to attack Berlin instead of Tokyo 3. Not that I really wish the destruction of this war on my own country, but still...the knowledge that Japan will never see another autumn makes me homesick when I realize that back in Germany, the leaves will be just starting to change color, the weather becoming more and more pleasantly mild as the countdown to winter commences. And more than that, I miss my native language, the familiar foods, the sounds, smells, sights, and culture of my homeland.
And what's more, if the Angels had come to Germany, maybe I wouldn't be so far behind Shinji and Wondergirl, having to struggle to keep up just to uphold my reputation. I'd probably have already racked up an enviable kill count, and wouldn't have needed help from anyone to do it...well, except for maybe the Seventh, Eighth, and Tenth Angels, but who knows; if I'd had a different commanding officer, maybe they'd have come up with strategies that didn't require more than one Eva to fight those Angels.
Though there is one thing, I admit, that I don't miss about home though...I never had friends back in Germany. Here, I at least have Hikari and...well, I HAD Shinji. For all my bullying of him, which at times involved teasing him, despite knowing perfectly well that he was attracted to me, the simple truth is...and I'm becoming more and more aware of it every passing minute...is that I genuinely trust him, I value his good nature, and I enjoy his company. And I threw all of that away last night. Now, I'm too ashamed to even face him.
I hang my head, staring down at my knees. I wonder if it would have been better for everyone if the Angels had chosen Berlin as their target, then I could have stayed there. And if everything had worked out properly, there might have been no need to send the First and Third Children over there.
Or they could have sent just one...I guess I could stomach having to work with Wondergirl at least. But Shinji...I clench my fists fretfully. It would have better if Shinji and I had never met eachother. Better for both of us...better for him.
Strange...why is it that I care so damn much about him when he's not around? The moment I get near him, all I can think about is how much he pisses me off. Well, soon it won't matter I guess. I'll only see Shinji at NERV and school after today, then hopefully, once I'm living with Hikari...well...if she's okay with it anyway...everything will go back to normal for me. Speaking of my new living arrangements...
I turn to look at Kaji, who himself seems to be lost in thought.
"I take it you're going to tell Misato everything today?", I ask.
With a jolt of surprise, Kaji snaps out his musings and turns to face me. "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"
Patiently, I repeat, "I asked if you were going to tell Misato...everything about what happened."
Kaji nods in agreement. "Yes."
"Any advice you can give me?" I ask, my tone vaguely joking, despite the seriousness of the question.
Kaji smiles wryly in response. "You weren't afraid to show me that you regretted what happened. Do the same with her."
"If she doesn't automatically rip my head off when I walk in the door after school," I say bitterly. "To make matters worse, she's always favored Shinji over me. I'd just best hope that she doesn't let her anger with me affect her professionally. I really don't fancy being sent on a suicide mission or used as Angel fodder."
"Now Asuka," Kaji reproaches, "Katsuragi would never do such a thing to you. She won't be happy about what's happened, but she'd NEVER throw you to the wolves out of spite, I assure you. And in any case, when I tell her, I'll make sure to talk down the worst of her anger." He smiles bracingly at me. "You have my word that by the time you talk with her, she'll at least be reasonable."
"Hey, Asuka!" I turn to see Hikari walking up the street towards us.
"Hi Hikari," I respond, attempting a smile.
"Oh, hello Mr. Kaji," Hikari says turning to Kaji as she comes to a stop.
"Good morning Miss Horaki," Kaji replies with a smile. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," Hikari says with a small bow.
Hikari then turns to me. "So, are we ready to go?"
"Yeah, I'm all set," I tell her.
"Alright then. Bye Mr. Kaji."
I turn to Kaji. "See you later then. And Kaji..." I hesitate for a moment. "Thank you."
Kaji just smiles reassuringly in response before turning to leave.
Last edited:
Always Late
Lacking in coffee, sleep, and brains
- Location
- Ohio
1. Tesigna? Do you mean 'resignation'?
2. Missing quotation mark.
- Location
- United States
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
At least she's admitting this much to herself. Now if only she can do something with it... besides her current course of 'run away' and 'hide and try never to look him in the eye again because you're convinced you're not worth him'.
trob030490
Professor Kokonoe
- Pronouns
- she/her
I think the volcano mission qualifies as this having already happened.
- Location
- United States
Fair point. Although Asuka willingly volunteered herself for that, and didn't back out even when it became increasingly apparent how risky the mission was when they had to increase the depth of the dive.
Also, when she says 'suicide mission', she's referring to the possibility of literally being sent out to die...as in given an assignment with ZERO chance of success, and expected not to survive.
trob030490
Professor Kokonoe
- Pronouns
- she/her
I get that, but she was told to continue past the maximum safe pressure depth the gear was designed for.
They pushed it into the red, and then kept going past that while the gear was breaking down and all weapons were gone because Misato cares more about her vendetta than Asuka's life. She could not have reasonably been expected to survive that if the angel was actually aggressive in any way. She made it through with a lot of luck, skill and keeping a remarkably level head given the situation, and some back up to pull her out going against orders to save her.
And she's 14. Willingly volunteering doesn't really matter.
- Location
- United States
Oh! Nearly forgot to mention...Chapter 6 (the rough draft at least) is DONE!!! That beast of a chapter (over 30,000 words!) has been both the focus and the bane of my existence for MONTHS and MONTHS! But now, work begins on Chapter 7...the first segment of which is complete
But, getting back on topic...
But, getting back on topic...
Chapter 5.4 10/15/2015 (6:38 AM)
- Location
- United States
Here's the next one...and I think that'll be it for this week.
•6:38 AM
As I sat out here with Asuka, waiting for Miss Horaki to arrive, my thoughts had begun to wander over the events of the last fifteen hours...
And now, as I watch Asuka and her friend disappearing into the distance, the same train of thought begins to tug on my conscientiousness again.
It began at that silly wedding Katsuragi and I attended. Well, Ritsuko was there too, but...after the words Katsuragi and I shared on the walk home, I hardly even remembered her being there.
When we had walked home from the bar last night, for the first time in ten years, she had opened her heart to me. The first time since...ah, yes that week in September...
Stretching as I stand up, I make my way back to my apartment. I think a change of clothes and a shower are in order. And as I walk, my thoughts begin to sail ten years into the past...
Back then, for the two years Katsuragi and I spent together, both us just coasted on the high of being together, the thrill of making love, having someone to hold to stave off the crushing isolation we both felt in the wake of our losses.
After one particularly nasty fight in September of 2005, we made up by spending a week...a full week, holed up in Katsuragi's room. And we talked...she cried in my arms...in her lap, I confessed my sins...and when the walls between us began to crumble, we threw ourselves into the frenzied caldera...it was a week of paradoxes in unbridled pleasure...tenderness and ferocity...the time raced by, and yet it was a lifetime...we greedily drank of eachother, while we gave all we had to give of ourselves...
The memory of that week makes me pick up my pace. God, I REALLY need that shower now.
At last, I've reached my front door. Entering my apartment for the first time in almost a full day, I look around and realize...just how dismal the place is. Not uncomfortable or even ugly. Just...cold. Uninviting. I never noticed before...or maybe I just didn't care.
Stepping out of my clothes and into the shower, I once again...immerse myself...in memories...
'Ah...those seven and a half days...that was the climax of it all...'
No pun intended, of course.
But then, things had started to change. As we grew steadily closer, in the rising heat of our passions, our imperfections began to bubble to the surface, insecurities rearing their ugly heads.
And just like the climax of any story, even one that had come so early, it had been followed by a steady decline, until the ending of the story came to pass in June of 2007. After another fight that had dwarfed the one proceeding our week of paradise, we instead spent more than two weeks in cold silence.
Then...the silence was broken by Katsuragi asking me to meet her. I confess...part of me knew what was coming, and welcomed it...even as part of me dreaded it, and hoped against all logic that I was wrong.
On a day like that, it should have been raining. At least the sky should have been a morose iron grey, rather than bright, cheerful blue and speckled with clouds, with the sun shining down and with a cool breeze to dispel the oppressive heat of midday. But, life isn't like the movies...
We had stood outside the entrance of her dorm building, both of us silent for a time. Then the words had spilled forth from her mouth. Words full of empty venom...she had someone else, she had been seeing him for a year, and during our lovemaking, had thought of him the whole time so she could pretend to still be aroused, and she wasn't sorry in the least...she hated me, she couldn't stand the sight of me anymore, told me to crawl back to a girl she had once caught me looking at months ago, then threw a box containing everything I had ever given her at my feet, spilling the contents everywhere.
"Take your shit, and get out of my life," were the last words that passed between us for the next eight years, as she turned and walked away.
Throughout that whole exchange, I spoke not a single word. I stood there, and like a rock against a maelstrom, withstood her wrath...knowing it was all bluster.
Shutting off the water, I step out of the shower and into a set of fresh clothes. While not dressing in my best, I do decide to put a little more effort into it than usual.
'Could I have called Katsuragi out on her lies?'
Naturally.
I had always been good at reading people, and knew she was lying. And I knew she was trying to hurt me as much as she could so that I wouldn't follow her. She needn't have bothered...when she dumped me, it saved me the trouble of having to ultimately do the same to her.
I was scared you see...we both were....of how close we were becoming to one another.
Not to mention...I had always been ashamed of what made me seek her out in the first place...
Despite how I later came to feel, my initial motives when I introduced myself to her were less than pure...but not in the way one would think.
One day, in early 2005, I had received a message from a fellow Second Impact conspiracy theorist I'd been in contact with, telling me that the sole survivor and witness of Second Impact was attending the same college as me.
Finding her had been easy, but winning her trust had been...rather easy as well. That was when I had first started to hate myself...even more than I already thought possible...for what I was doing.
While she did have quite a temper, and it wasn't overly difficult to set her off, she was...
Far from being the bitter, taciturn shell of a human being I had expected, she was lively, energetic, and had a capacity for a sweetness and affection that always seemed more genuine than that from other people.
She was very much a woman of extremes in that way, and in...others...
She rarely, if ever, seemed to hold back, or do things half way...
'I suppose that's one reason her leaving hurt so much...'
She had generally been so honest with me...for her to lie then...it hurt almost as much as her actual departure from my life.
Though, I suppose I should be grateful...it would have hurt me more if I had been the one who had to turn my back on her.
I shake my head as I examine myself in the mirror.
'Love 'conquers all', they say?'
Bullshit.
I loved her then as I love her now...and I still turned my back on her as much as she turned her's on me. Of course, I never knew if she even loved me back. I still don't...
But after last night...well, she was drunk when she said everything...but I know it came from the heart. And I feel that somethings changed in the way we see eachother.
'Well...I'll have to talk to her when she's sober to confirm it-'
But...
I shouldn't want this, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her. I never did. And now it's too late. I'm on a road of no return, and if I don't push her away, I may drag her down with me. And she deserves to live and be happy with someone...anyone else.
Like that guy who works on the bridge in Central Dogma....Hyuga, I think his name is.
But then I remember the night before...the feel of her mouth on mine, but even more; the sensation of holding her, trying to ease her pain and protect her from herself when she began to fall apart at the seams...
'Damn it! Damn me! Am I really so weak that I can't face my final days alone? If I really love her, I should leave her alone...'
Like I tried to leave Asuka? Phasing her out little by little, eventually to walk out of her life and leave her to the mercy of this war? I wonder...who was I really trying to protect when did that?
And now Shinji...granted, I was never very close with him...but, I know how much he's come to mean to Katsuragi. And when I saw his face after he climbed down from the ledge...well, he clearly needed someone to listen to him, and a vote of encouragement.
As someone who understands how it is to be viciously rejected by the one you love...even if the rejection hadn't been sincere...I feel the need to look out for him now.
He's stronger than he thinks he is...stronger certainly than I was at his age, but still...even if Katsuragi can be there for him...I want to be there too
And likewise...I want to be there for Asuka. She's a victim of herself just as much as Shinji is, if not more so.
I tried for so long to assure myself she was getting better, that time was healing her...
The events of the previous night have rudely awakened me to ugly truth of that empty hope. And after all that's happened, how can I turn my back on her?
Fully dressed and ready for the day, I depart for Katsuragi's.
'How can I turn my back on any of them now?'
-------------------------------------
•6:38 AM
As I sat out here with Asuka, waiting for Miss Horaki to arrive, my thoughts had begun to wander over the events of the last fifteen hours...
And now, as I watch Asuka and her friend disappearing into the distance, the same train of thought begins to tug on my conscientiousness again.
It began at that silly wedding Katsuragi and I attended. Well, Ritsuko was there too, but...after the words Katsuragi and I shared on the walk home, I hardly even remembered her being there.
When we had walked home from the bar last night, for the first time in ten years, she had opened her heart to me. The first time since...ah, yes that week in September...
Stretching as I stand up, I make my way back to my apartment. I think a change of clothes and a shower are in order. And as I walk, my thoughts begin to sail ten years into the past...
Back then, for the two years Katsuragi and I spent together, both us just coasted on the high of being together, the thrill of making love, having someone to hold to stave off the crushing isolation we both felt in the wake of our losses.
After one particularly nasty fight in September of 2005, we made up by spending a week...a full week, holed up in Katsuragi's room. And we talked...she cried in my arms...in her lap, I confessed my sins...and when the walls between us began to crumble, we threw ourselves into the frenzied caldera...it was a week of paradoxes in unbridled pleasure...tenderness and ferocity...the time raced by, and yet it was a lifetime...we greedily drank of eachother, while we gave all we had to give of ourselves...
The memory of that week makes me pick up my pace. God, I REALLY need that shower now.
At last, I've reached my front door. Entering my apartment for the first time in almost a full day, I look around and realize...just how dismal the place is. Not uncomfortable or even ugly. Just...cold. Uninviting. I never noticed before...or maybe I just didn't care.
Stepping out of my clothes and into the shower, I once again...immerse myself...in memories...
'Ah...those seven and a half days...that was the climax of it all...'
No pun intended, of course.
But then, things had started to change. As we grew steadily closer, in the rising heat of our passions, our imperfections began to bubble to the surface, insecurities rearing their ugly heads.
And just like the climax of any story, even one that had come so early, it had been followed by a steady decline, until the ending of the story came to pass in June of 2007. After another fight that had dwarfed the one proceeding our week of paradise, we instead spent more than two weeks in cold silence.
Then...the silence was broken by Katsuragi asking me to meet her. I confess...part of me knew what was coming, and welcomed it...even as part of me dreaded it, and hoped against all logic that I was wrong.
On a day like that, it should have been raining. At least the sky should have been a morose iron grey, rather than bright, cheerful blue and speckled with clouds, with the sun shining down and with a cool breeze to dispel the oppressive heat of midday. But, life isn't like the movies...
We had stood outside the entrance of her dorm building, both of us silent for a time. Then the words had spilled forth from her mouth. Words full of empty venom...she had someone else, she had been seeing him for a year, and during our lovemaking, had thought of him the whole time so she could pretend to still be aroused, and she wasn't sorry in the least...she hated me, she couldn't stand the sight of me anymore, told me to crawl back to a girl she had once caught me looking at months ago, then threw a box containing everything I had ever given her at my feet, spilling the contents everywhere.
"Take your shit, and get out of my life," were the last words that passed between us for the next eight years, as she turned and walked away.
Throughout that whole exchange, I spoke not a single word. I stood there, and like a rock against a maelstrom, withstood her wrath...knowing it was all bluster.
Shutting off the water, I step out of the shower and into a set of fresh clothes. While not dressing in my best, I do decide to put a little more effort into it than usual.
'Could I have called Katsuragi out on her lies?'
Naturally.
I had always been good at reading people, and knew she was lying. And I knew she was trying to hurt me as much as she could so that I wouldn't follow her. She needn't have bothered...when she dumped me, it saved me the trouble of having to ultimately do the same to her.
I was scared you see...we both were....of how close we were becoming to one another.
Not to mention...I had always been ashamed of what made me seek her out in the first place...
Despite how I later came to feel, my initial motives when I introduced myself to her were less than pure...but not in the way one would think.
One day, in early 2005, I had received a message from a fellow Second Impact conspiracy theorist I'd been in contact with, telling me that the sole survivor and witness of Second Impact was attending the same college as me.
Finding her had been easy, but winning her trust had been...rather easy as well. That was when I had first started to hate myself...even more than I already thought possible...for what I was doing.
While she did have quite a temper, and it wasn't overly difficult to set her off, she was...
Far from being the bitter, taciturn shell of a human being I had expected, she was lively, energetic, and had a capacity for a sweetness and affection that always seemed more genuine than that from other people.
She was very much a woman of extremes in that way, and in...others...
She rarely, if ever, seemed to hold back, or do things half way...
'I suppose that's one reason her leaving hurt so much...'
She had generally been so honest with me...for her to lie then...it hurt almost as much as her actual departure from my life.
Though, I suppose I should be grateful...it would have hurt me more if I had been the one who had to turn my back on her.
I shake my head as I examine myself in the mirror.
'Love 'conquers all', they say?'
Bullshit.
I loved her then as I love her now...and I still turned my back on her as much as she turned her's on me. Of course, I never knew if she even loved me back. I still don't...
But after last night...well, she was drunk when she said everything...but I know it came from the heart. And I feel that somethings changed in the way we see eachother.
'Well...I'll have to talk to her when she's sober to confirm it-'
But...
I shouldn't want this, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve her. I never did. And now it's too late. I'm on a road of no return, and if I don't push her away, I may drag her down with me. And she deserves to live and be happy with someone...anyone else.
Like that guy who works on the bridge in Central Dogma....Hyuga, I think his name is.
But then I remember the night before...the feel of her mouth on mine, but even more; the sensation of holding her, trying to ease her pain and protect her from herself when she began to fall apart at the seams...
'Damn it! Damn me! Am I really so weak that I can't face my final days alone? If I really love her, I should leave her alone...'
Like I tried to leave Asuka? Phasing her out little by little, eventually to walk out of her life and leave her to the mercy of this war? I wonder...who was I really trying to protect when did that?
And now Shinji...granted, I was never very close with him...but, I know how much he's come to mean to Katsuragi. And when I saw his face after he climbed down from the ledge...well, he clearly needed someone to listen to him, and a vote of encouragement.
As someone who understands how it is to be viciously rejected by the one you love...even if the rejection hadn't been sincere...I feel the need to look out for him now.
He's stronger than he thinks he is...stronger certainly than I was at his age, but still...even if Katsuragi can be there for him...I want to be there too
And likewise...I want to be there for Asuka. She's a victim of herself just as much as Shinji is, if not more so.
I tried for so long to assure myself she was getting better, that time was healing her...
The events of the previous night have rudely awakened me to ugly truth of that empty hope. And after all that's happened, how can I turn my back on her?
Fully dressed and ready for the day, I depart for Katsuragi's.
'How can I turn my back on any of them now?'
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- Location
- Edinburgh
Taken me a while but I've finally started to check this out. Just read through the first section of it and will hopefully catch up with the rest soon. Really liked what I read in that first bit, thought you did a good job of getting into Asuka's mind during that section. Always nice to see some First Person Perspective in fics too, rarely see it. Really looking forward to reading more.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Kaji, you goddamn death-seeking idiot...
Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
Funny thing about love. It actually can conquer all obstacles. It's just takes a lot of patience, understanding, and sacrifice, and even then nothing is certain. In both the Kaji/Misato and Shinji/Asuka scenarios if either side had committed to love the other person, they would have won out. If Kaji had called out Misato and promised to stick with her despite her lies and ridden out the subsequent, "get away from me" waves that were sure to follow, she would have likely given in.
Now Asuka has a different problem, Shinji actually believes her. He might or might not intellectually know that Asuka was at least partially lying, but emotionally he accepts her words as truth. If Asuka wants to patch things up with Shinji, she will have to apologize in a deep, profound, and exhaustively explicit manner, explain why she did what she did and why it was wrong of her, then promise not to leave him even if he tries pushing her away. Followed be her staying within his sphere of awareness, but not so close so that she's intruding on his personal bubble. Basically staying in the background where she is mostly ignorable, yet always available. Needless to say that would be an uphill battle, assuming she had to guts to do it in the first place. I really wish someone wold sit her down and explain that what she's doing (running away and not dealing with your problems) is immature and childish. This will cut straight to the core of her motivation to be seen as an adult. After that sinks in, telling her that being (or becoming) an adult means growing up and facing your problems, despite the difficulty, and just maintaining a level of maturity about the whole affair. Asuka really is a child right now. Realizing that, and what she needs to do would be a massive chance for her to try and honestly grow up.
WRONG.
The death of a loved one is a permanent wound that never really heals, you just learn how to endure the scaring. The following video showcases just how short-sighted and unthinking a heroic sacrifice can be.
This is especially bad in this case, since Kaji knows how messed up the people around him are. He literally just saw Shinji get two steps away from jumping off the roof, Asuka's a mess, and he just gave Misato hope that they could be happy together. He may think he is being unforgivably selfish by getting close to them, but the worst sin in this case would be to selfishly abandon them by dying for no reason.
Now Asuka has a different problem, Shinji actually believes her. He might or might not intellectually know that Asuka was at least partially lying, but emotionally he accepts her words as truth. If Asuka wants to patch things up with Shinji, she will have to apologize in a deep, profound, and exhaustively explicit manner, explain why she did what she did and why it was wrong of her, then promise not to leave him even if he tries pushing her away. Followed be her staying within his sphere of awareness, but not so close so that she's intruding on his personal bubble. Basically staying in the background where she is mostly ignorable, yet always available. Needless to say that would be an uphill battle, assuming she had to guts to do it in the first place. I really wish someone wold sit her down and explain that what she's doing (running away and not dealing with your problems) is immature and childish. This will cut straight to the core of her motivation to be seen as an adult. After that sinks in, telling her that being (or becoming) an adult means growing up and facing your problems, despite the difficulty, and just maintaining a level of maturity about the whole affair. Asuka really is a child right now. Realizing that, and what she needs to do would be a massive chance for her to try and honestly grow up.
One thing that heroic sacrifice types never seem to realized is just how much their death hurts their loved ones. For some reason they operate under the thought process of "they'll get over me and move on."
WRONG.
The death of a loved one is a permanent wound that never really heals, you just learn how to endure the scaring. The following video showcases just how short-sighted and unthinking a heroic sacrifice can be.
This is especially bad in this case, since Kaji knows how messed up the people around him are. He literally just saw Shinji get two steps away from jumping off the roof, Asuka's a mess, and he just gave Misato hope that they could be happy together. He may think he is being unforgivably selfish by getting close to them, but the worst sin in this case would be to selfishly abandon them by dying for no reason.
- Location
- supernatural
She was thirteen at the time actually.
- Location
- Edinburgh
Nearly caught up now, onto the start of Chapter 5 so hopefully over my lunch I'll be fully caught up. I absolutely love what you've done so far, really enjoying how you're handling the characters with the switches between the various POVs.
I really enjoyed seeing that talk between Kaji/Shinji on the rooftop. It's always nice to see people give Kaji a bit more background and I definitely like seeing how you've used the manga backstory for him here. Think the conflict he has between him wanting to distance himself for his own goals but being unable to is an interesting one too. Looking forward to seeing how his story progresses as time goes on.
I noticed that the song for Chapter 5 is Space Dye Vest so I'm anticipating a lot of 'the feels' with that chapter (Dream Theater are my fav band, seeing that song performed live was such an amazing experience.)
I really enjoyed seeing that talk between Kaji/Shinji on the rooftop. It's always nice to see people give Kaji a bit more background and I definitely like seeing how you've used the manga backstory for him here. Think the conflict he has between him wanting to distance himself for his own goals but being unable to is an interesting one too. Looking forward to seeing how his story progresses as time goes on.
I noticed that the song for Chapter 5 is Space Dye Vest so I'm anticipating a lot of 'the feels' with that chapter
(Dream Theater are my fav band, seeing that song performed live was such an amazing experience.)
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- Location
- United States
I'm glad to hear it! The switching POVs have been a great deal of fun to tackle, and it's kind of my way of displaying my opinion/theory on why a character acted a certain way in canon. In particular, I wanted to explore the hidden thoughts and feelings within Asuka. I wanted to explore the feelings for Shinji that she could never speak aloud in series. Despite what I've had her do so far in series, I really do love Asuka as a character, and I find her unvoiced thoughts and feelings especially fascinating.
It's also really cool that you admire my work...the feeling is mutual
I've read 'Learning To Live' (great song too) and the first few chapters of 'The Human Equation' (one of my favorite albums). I'd have read more of the latter, but I think you were only on Chapter 4 at that time. But I loved what I saw, so decided to wait until you wrote more before continuing. But I kept putting off, because I wanted to save your fic for after I read some other ones I'd bookmarked, because I wanted to save 'THE' for later since I had and still have high expectations for it.
But, I think I will go read it as soon as I can.
I also have yet to begin reading the one you have posted here, You Must (Not) Run Away, but I look forward to doing so
That was both one of the most difficult scenes to write, and one of my favorites when I was finished.
And yeah, I decided to keep his manga backstory while keeping his anime personality intact (I really disliked that scene in the manga where he told Shinji he 'didn't deserve to be happy'...felt it utterly ruined Kaji's character). In a way, the rooftop scene here was kind of my giant double middle finger to that scene in the manga lol
And it should prove interesting. I honestly haven't decided yet if Kaji will survive...but he IS having SERIOUS second thoughts about throwing his life away that he never had in canon. Time will tell if his sudden reluctance to die will save his life.
I noticed that the song for Chapter 5 is Space Dye Vest so I'm anticipating a lot of 'the feels' with that chapter
Dream Theater is one of my favorites! And I've been on a DT kick as of late (partially because of how much I LOVE singing 'Voices' at karaoke night). In fact, I'd probably put them at 4th place currently. My favorites are Transatlantic, Opeth, Shadow Gallery, then Dream Theater, followed by Kansas.
Dream Theater was the band that got me into progressive metal/rock, and thus have been a huge game changer in my life. Octavarium was my first album from them (actually, I've just been reminded that I was meaning to post a song from that album that I feel represents the fic as a whole), and eventually I just started listening to more and more of them...then I came across Opeth (through the album Morningrise) and progressive metal became my favorite genre PERIOD.
I also take it that you're rather fond of Ayreon, given the title of 'The Human Equation'. Sadly, that is the only album that I know of theirs...but I LOVE IT!!! 'THE' is definitely in my top favorite albums, along with 'The Whirlwind' by Transatlantic, 'Tyranny' and 'Room V' by Shadow Gallery, 'Ghost Reveries' by Opeth, 'Masque' by Kansas, and (although they are rather an outlier amongst the others, 'Supernatural' and 'Borboletta' by Santana.
Sorry about all the rambling and gushing...music is one of those topics that gets awkward, reticent me to open up...and then not shut up lol
- Location
- Edinburgh
Oh man never ever apologize for talking to me about music! It's one of the subjects I am so so passionate about. It sounds like you really had the same introduction to Prog Rock/Metal that I did to be honest. I was a fan of Pink Floyd, one night a friend of mine sent me some clips of a track called Octavarium and it just changed my life! it was absolutely incredible, and brought me into a whole new world of music. Due to that album I've been able to get into and explore so much more music. (Opeth, Transatlantic, Ayreon, Avantasia, Yes, King Crimson, Frank Zappa and so much more.) I could them in my top five artists/bands (Dream Theater, Pink Floyd, Meat Loaf, Genesis and Dire Straits)
I've actually seen DT a few times, met them twice (With Portnoy and afterwards with Mangini) both amazing times. Kudos to you for being able to sing Voices too, I once tried singing along to it and it nearly killed me
You definitely need to check out more Ayreon though, there is a new album coming out soon called The Source which goes back to the beginning of the whole Ayreon saga it seems. Also 01011001 is a bit of an influence in my latest story.
Kansas are a band I need to check out, always heard good things about them in prog circles. Where would you recommend to start?
Also quick side note. I got into Eva not too long after getting into Dream Theater. Weird to think that I got into two things that changed my life massively in the same year.
I don't blame you! I love that backstory but that moment just seemed to go against Kaji's character so much and ruined all that I liked about him in the manga.
I did actually finish chapter 5 too so I'm fully caught up. Probably should have waited until after I was done eating for the Misato POV but meh, what are you going to do? I wonder how Hikari will feel if Asuka chooses to tell her the truth about what happened. I do agree that maybe them living apart for now is the best option but I can see something bringing them together, the next Angel is coming up soon I imagine so that is going to be a tough one.
Totally agree with you about the POV stuff, I don't really write in first person too much. I did it for Catalyst and my fic set on Asuka's Birthday but not too much besides that. I might do a chapter here and there with it though, it really does help to convey more about a character though i think.
Hope you do enjoy my other fics if/when you get around to them. I always try to make an effort to improve and learn with each one I write.
Really looking forward to seeing more of your work too. Always nice to have more Eva fics to follow
I've actually seen DT a few times, met them twice (With Portnoy and afterwards with Mangini) both amazing times. Kudos to you for being able to sing Voices too, I once tried singing along to it and it nearly killed me
You definitely need to check out more Ayreon though, there is a new album coming out soon called The Source which goes back to the beginning of the whole Ayreon saga it seems. Also 01011001 is a bit of an influence in my latest story.
Kansas are a band I need to check out, always heard good things about them in prog circles. Where would you recommend to start?
Also quick side note. I got into Eva not too long after getting into Dream Theater. Weird to think that I got into two things that changed my life massively in the same year.
I don't blame you! I love that backstory but that moment just seemed to go against Kaji's character so much and ruined all that I liked about him in the manga.
I did actually finish chapter 5 too so I'm fully caught up. Probably should have waited until after I was done eating for the Misato POV but meh, what are you going to do? I wonder how Hikari will feel if Asuka chooses to tell her the truth about what happened. I do agree that maybe them living apart for now is the best option but I can see something bringing them together, the next Angel is coming up soon I imagine so that is going to be a tough one.
Totally agree with you about the POV stuff, I don't really write in first person too much. I did it for Catalyst and my fic set on Asuka's Birthday but not too much besides that. I might do a chapter here and there with it though, it really does help to convey more about a character though i think.
Hope you do enjoy my other fics if/when you get around to them. I always try to make an effort to improve and learn with each one I write.
Really looking forward to seeing more of your work too. Always nice to have more Eva fics to follow
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- Location
- United States
Oh man never ever apologize for talking to me about music! It's one of the subjects I am so so passionate about. It sounds like you really had the same introduction to Prog Rock/Metal that I did to be honest. I was a fan of Pink Floyd, one night a friend of mine sent me some clips of a track called Octavarium and it just changed my life! it was absolutely incredible, and brought me into a whole new world of music. Due to that album I've been able to get into and explore so much more music. (Opeth, Transatlantic, Ayreon, Avantasia, Yes, King Crimson, Frank Zappa and so much more.) I could them in my top five artists/bands (Dream Theater, Pink Floyd, Meat Loaf, Genesis and Dire Straits)
I've actually seen DT a few times, met them twice (With Portnoy and afterwards with Mangini) both amazing times. Kudos to you for being able to sing Voices too, I once tried singing along to it and it nearly killed me
You definitely need to check out more Ayreon though, there is a new album coming out soon called The Source which goes back to the beginning of the whole Ayreon saga it seems. Also 01011001 is a bit of an influence in my latest story.
Yup. That's more or less how it went for me too
That's cool that you got to meet them! What were they like?
Yeah, Voices is a tough one for me too. Those high notes though... I'm actually (I think) a mid-range baritone naturally, but I can push up into (I think), medium tenor.
I wish I had had someone record me singing it. Though, there actually are a few videos of me singing on YouTube if you ever want to hear what I sound like. I can even inbox you a link if you want.
I'm glad you asked! If you like prog, I'd say any of the first 5 albums are good...my favorite, by far, is the 3rd album Masque. The opening track, It Takes A Woman's Love To Make A Man is one of my least favorite songs on the album...and it still deserves a 5 star rating! And then...the closing track...oh my God, the closing track...The Pinnacle. Few songs are deserving of that name...but that one has earned it 10 times over sevenfold.
That is my 3rd favorite song overall (after The Whirlwind by Transatlantic and Harlequin Forest by Opeth). And no matter how the story ends (I haven't fully decided), I believe that I will use that song as my 'roll credits' song.
Also quick side note. I got into Eva not too long after getting into Dream Theater. Weird to think that I got into two things that changed my life massively in the same year.
I don't blame you! I love that backstory but that moment just seemed to go against Kaji's character so much and ruined all that I liked about him in the manga.
I did actually finish chapter 5 too so I'm fully caught up. Probably should have waited until after I was done eating for the Misato POV but meh, what are you going to do? I wonder how Hikari will feel if Asuka chooses to tell her the truth about what happened. I do agree that maybe them living apart for now is the best option but I can see something bringing them together, the next Angel is coming up soon I imagine so that is going to be a tough one.
Totally agree with you about the POV stuff, I don't really write in first person too much. I did it for Catalyst and my fic set on Asuka's Birthday but not too much besides that. I might do a chapter here and there with it though, it really does help to convey more about a character though i think.
Hope you do enjoy my other fics if/when you get around to them. I always try to make an effort to improve and learn with each one I write.
Really looking forward to seeing more of your work too. Always nice to have more Eva fics to follow
That's awesome man! It's cool when stuff like that happens and just throws off the path you're walking in the best possible way
I know right? It's like...you're expecting him to give him a nice pep talk, maybe a little harshly to get a fire under his ass...but instead it's like...yeah...give the dog another kick why don't you? 'Well fuck you too Kaji...'
I like 'Cool Big Bro' Kaji much better
And ah yes, the endless puking scene...lol, poor Misato
I'll have to check out those stories soon. I'll let you know when I do
Well, I've got plenty in the works, so hope you like what's coming up. And agreed! I get depressed when I run out of good fics or when I'm all caught up and have nothing new to read.
- Location
- Edinburgh
Really friendly, it was only a quick meet and greet type deal so I didn't really get a lot of time to chat with them and being honest I was a bit starstruck so I don't know what I'd have said.
Yeah feel free to do so! I'm not really much of a singer if I'm being honest. I do play guitar though, at least I used to I haven't in a while. My work keeps me really busy through the day so when I get home I just want to relax and simply forget to pick the thing up.
I'm looking forward to it then! Yeah, for me it's always good to have something to catch up on whilst I'm on my lunch break.
Ranma-sensei
Sorcerer
- Location
- Citrix Receiver
- Pronouns
- Weatherdependent
Frankly, I'm not so sure if the constantly changing POVs are that good of an idea, in a narrative sense.
Don't get me wrong, I like, and even write, POV pieces, but I'm more in the camp of sticking to one and only seldom switching to another; then usually out of narrative necessity.
Don't get me wrong, I like, and even write, POV pieces, but I'm more in the camp of sticking to one and only seldom switching to another; then usually out of narrative necessity.
Yes and no. By the Japanese way of counting age, she is fourteen when she arrives in Japan.
Ranma-sensei
Sorcerer
- Location
- Citrix Receiver
- Pronouns
- Weatherdependent
First of all, the Angel is called Ariel (and I suppose you could also use the bastardised form, 'Arael'); and second, you're probably right - which is sickening when you think about the implications.
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