Let me put it in a way that hopefully summarizes the good and the bad: You've accurately written someone with a very insane mind, and Asuka's train of thought follows that.
The sloppiness is a part of the character, that Asuka can entirely withdraw into the warped perceptions of her own mind, that she can have these massive arguments with herself yet only have a few seconds pass IRT.
I believe this might be a thing of 'working too well'.
I'm going to be the lone dissenting voice here and say that you've written Asuka as too crazy to be believable. I mean, I know she has to be far crazier than canon for this story to even happen, but her internal arguments as you present them don't come off as someone who can't reconcile their feelings with who they believe themselves to be, but instead as the ramblings of someone possessed by a demon made out of spite.
Huh...well, I wasn't aiming for 'insane' as much as I was 'conflicted'. Though...I guess it's possible that in my eagerness to make the internal dialogue colorful, I made it...well, too colorful maybe.
Also, I've probably inserted my own tendency to overthink, over analyze, and at the same time, divert from a topic if I don't press myself to stay focused.
I will say though, Asuka is driven by a certain spitefulness in canon...and it is a demon of sorts. Her personal demon if you will. That spitefulness/demon was directed inwardly towards herself, and sabotaging any possibility of happiness (because, as we know, her self loathing made her feel like she didn't deserve to be happy) just as much (and probably more than) it was directed outward towards the people around her.
Also, as far as the 'insanity' goes...if it's the conflicting 'voices' that give that impression, I should point out that the 'voices' in question are NOT auditory hallucinations...rather they are Asuka's 'pride' and
conscience. Her
true self struggling to break free and her 'façade holding the protective mask in place'.
Asuka's heated internal arguments were meant to refer the war between these two forces of her personality. Shinji reciprocating the kiss made
one inner-self manifestation stronger than it ever was in canon, but still locked in combat with Asuka's 'fear of being exposed'.
Perhaps it doesn't help that I wrote this almost entirely by channeling raw emotion rather than logic/rationality. Naturally, a story like this is meant to be more emotional than logical...but perhaps leaning too heavily on the former while largely (though unintentionally) forsaking the latter has had some detrimental effects on Asuka's portrayal...certainly at least in how the reader perceives her.
Though, I do stand by the possibility that Asuka might have violently rejected Shinji as I had her do...
But I have considered the possibility that she might have chosen not to be THAT harsh.
Still, I'm not ashamed of what I've written so far...though I do want to be fair and concede to criticisms that make fair points.
I do apologize if this whole response comes across as rambling...I've honestly never been good at handling criticism or responding to it (my desire to defend my work is strongly juxtaposed with my fear of being disliked or scorned...in this case, I fear being seen as unreasonable, irrational, and unwilling to admit mistakes if I've made them).
In short, I'm happy with my story, though I want to admit mistakes and be honest without sounding like I'm trashing my own work.
The Asuka ghost from RE-TAKE fits that possession thing pretty well, doesn't she?
Actually, he's drawn that same comparison before.
