Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
Still more optimistic that whatever the heck EoE was.
Because it was guarantied a satisfying conclusion.
Veering Left (NGE Fanfic)
- Thread starter RedDestroyer1361
- Start date
Because it was guarantied a satisfying conclusion.
- Location
- United States
So, remember back in Chapter 3 when Asuka stomped all over Shinji's heart?
How she described his expression?
It's been quite a while since then, but I just recently stumbled across this...a near perfect image of what Shinji's face looked like in the moments before turning and running out of the apartment.
This is the face Asuka saw staring back at her in that infinitesimal moment.
On a more optimistic note, seeing just how much despair she'd caused Shinjii in that moment was her first real wake up call to just how toxic she'd allowed her personality to become.
Whether or not this heel realization will ultimately fix things or at least lead to a less tragic end than canon...only time will tell.
How she described his expression?
It's been quite a while since then, but I just recently stumbled across this...a near perfect image of what Shinji's face looked like in the moments before turning and running out of the apartment.
This is the face Asuka saw staring back at her in that infinitesimal moment.
On a more optimistic note, seeing just how much despair she'd caused Shinjii in that moment was her first real wake up call to just how toxic she'd allowed her personality to become.
Whether or not this heel realization will ultimately fix things or at least lead to a less tragic end than canon...only time will tell.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Well, on the bright side Asuka deeply regrets what she did and admits that to herself. On the not-so-bright side, her credibility with Shinji is pretty shot at the moment, so he doesn't want to believe her when she says she's sorry. OTOH, Leliel is probably going to affect things... if they get some time to talk just by themselves. Regret or not, apologizing isn't really something Asuka's at all ready to do in front of any audience just yet.
Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
Umm... She kind of did. Remember when she was trying to stop Shinji from falling into Leliel? That was a pretty significant heart-to-heart.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Yeah, but Shinji still doesn't quite believe her. So she will probably have to do it again.
- Location
- United States
Hey there folks. I know it's been a long while since I've updated. But I just wanted to assure you all that despite the long silence, Veering Left is NOT dead.
However, I'm still working on the next segment, having put it aside for quite a long time, and it's probably half done at best.
But again, the work is still alive and updates are underway
That said, it might be a long time before the next update. I'm thinking about trying to accumulate at least a small backlog before updating again.
Also, I'm going to begin updating the version on AO3 again (stopped early in Chapter 6 back in March) and eventually start posting it on Spacebattles as well.
Since the next update probably won't be until sometime next year, I wish you all a Happy Holliday season, and hope to hear from you all when updates resume
However, I'm still working on the next segment, having put it aside for quite a long time, and it's probably half done at best.
But again, the work is still alive and updates are underway
That said, it might be a long time before the next update. I'm thinking about trying to accumulate at least a small backlog before updating again.
Also, I'm going to begin updating the version on AO3 again (stopped early in Chapter 6 back in March) and eventually start posting it on Spacebattles as well.
Since the next update probably won't be until sometime next year, I wish you all a Happy Holliday season, and hope to hear from you all when updates resume
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Very good to hear that it is still alive. Very eagerly awaiting the next part!
Chapter 9.5 10/19/2015 (1:18 AM)
- Location
- United States
*Takes a long, deep breath*
Well folks, it's been more than a year...and over six months since I reassured everyone that Veering Left wasn't dead.
So, here it is...proof that Veering Left is still alive! I really do wish I had a lot more to show for such a long wait. Once again, I haven't written any further than this...but I REALLY hope that I won't ever take this long to write another chapter again.
But for now, please welcome Ms. Sohryu back to the stage
•1:18 AM
All is quiet in the room, save for the heart monitor and the muffled voices and footsteps passing by in the hallway. Suddenly, the footsteps come to a halt outside the door making me raise my head. I see the flash of a familiar face in the rectangular window before the door opens and Misato walks back in.
For a moment, I feel an immense relief that she's returned and that I haven't somehow managed to fuck up again in her absence...until I see her collapse into a chair and crumple forward with her face buried in her hands.
'That means...whatever the council said...it can't have been good.'
I feel my grip on the side rail of Shinji's bed tighten as the hand of dread begins to encircle its icy grip around my insides.
"Misato?" I address her tentatively.
She doesn't look up or uncover her face, but responds with a shuddering sigh that makes it clear she's doing all she can to keep herself under control.
After a moment she heaves another sigh, more controlled this time, and steels herself enough to finally respond with words.
"The council...they want to..."
She breaks off for a moment, having to fortify herself again.
"They...want to...speak to Shinji."
For a moment, I wonder if I somehow misheard what Misato just said. Blinking in confusion, I tilt my head with a slight frown.
"The council wants to...speak to Shinji?" I say, repeating her answer as a question.
Misato nods shakily, removing her hands from her face, but still averting her gaze from both me and the convalescent Third Child.
"Oh." I feel relief beginning to trickle its way through my tension. "Well...that doesn't seem so bad. At least they want to hear what he has to say rather than just immediately court martial him. I mean...that's a good thing, right?"
That's not to say he's out of the woods of course. But the fact that Shinji is pretty much singlehandedly responsible for having defeated the Angel has to count for something...
'...doesn't it?'
Misato doesn't answer for a long time, continuing to stare at Shinji with an expression that silently begs the unconscious boy for forgiveness.
"That, and they probably want to hear his account of what happened inside the Angel, right?"
'Surely Misato's just overreacting due to stress and fatigue. I mean...I expected there'd be an inquiry at the very LEAST. I mean, there might be other repercussions later...but if they're not immediately baying for his blood, or even for his expulsion from NERV...then at least they must be willing to hear him out. And that should be a good thing...right?'
Misato lowers her head, eyes now hidden beneath her unkempt hair. But even without seeing her expression, I can see her barely contained fury in the way her while body tenses, her clenched fists turning white at the knuckles.
"The problem isn't just the 'why', Asuka," she replies through gritted teeth, "It's the 'when'."
Her expression and tone of voice turn frigid. "At least Ritsuko, for all her many faults, would actually give Shinji some time to recover before asking him to relive what happened. But they...the old bastards..."
"Wait. You mean..."
I'm beginning to understand now, why Misato is so angry and distressed.
'They wouldn't. Surely, it'd be much more sensible to give Shinji time to recover first. A week or two at least, if not more, depending on his mental and emotional state he's in when he wakes up.'
"How soon?" I ask.
'At least a day or two. It has to be. Even if he's guilty of insubordination, they'd have to take his mental health into consideration for practical reasons at lea-'
"As soon as he's awake and coherent enough to speak."
A moment of stunned silence follows.
"What?" The word sounds as numb as I feel at this appalling revelation. "You...you can't be serious."
"Well...I am," Misato replies tersely. "As soon as he's able to string together clear, lucid thoughts into a sentence, I'll have to rush him down to the same conference room I just came from. Even if I have to roll him there in a wheelchair."
"But that's...that's INSANE!" I retort, angrily rising to my feet. "After everything that's already happened, the last thing Shinji needs is to be interrogated right after waking up! What if-"
"Dammit Asuka, I know!"
It's probably fortunate for both of us that Misato has the grace to look ashamed of her outburst.
"I-I'm sorry," she murmurs, bowing her head. "I...shouldn't have..."
Part of me churlishly wants to agree, to admonish her as she's done to me so many times before. But...looking at her, I can see just how much this whole rotten situation is eating away at my former guardian.
'She hasn't eaten or slept since before the Angel showed up...and that was nearly thirteen hours ago now. Besides...' My eyes narrow as the anger boiling inside of me freezes over into something more dark and glacial. 'The ones really to blame for this...are the people who run the show...the only people to whom we answer in some capacity.'
Surely, they must have some idea of how harmful an interrogation immediately upon awakening from a coma must be...
'But they don't care. In fact...I'm starting to think that no one, except maybe Misato and Kaji, cares at all...about any of us.'
But, then again...
'...is that really a surprise?'
It's strange though. I've always been the sort of person determined to pinpoint the worst in everyone around me to avoid being blindsided later...yet still, I somehow made myself believe that those at the top of the chain of command would at least see me as a valuable asset.
In the earliest days of my training, they sure did try their best to stroke my ego as much as possible. They told me I was 'special', 'the best candidate they'd ever seen' and so on...
But I guess it didn't work the way they'd hoped. Sure, I bought it hook, line and sinker...but instead of a blindly loyal tool, they just created a spoiled brat. When they stopped indulging me and started throwing me at increasingly strict guardians who made it very clear that I was a burden none of them wanted to deal with, I started to see the truth. And in truly bittersweet irony, it was Kaji's genuine kindness toward me that made me realize how fake everyone else's had been up to that point.
'But maybe...even after all these years...even after, in my own mind at least, becoming too jaded and 'wise to the way of the world'...maybe deep down, I still held on to the idea that my superiors really did see me as 'special' and exceptional'. After all, once Kaji managed to reign in my more uncontrollable behaviors, they were quick to lavish praise on me again...albeit without being as overly indulgent as they were before...but that hardly mattered to me by that point; I had already begun to tell myself not to take any of it to heart.
But looking back, I remember how empty I would feel on the days I would perform too poorly to receive anything but stern criticism, and how much, no matter how stoic and professional I tried to appear on the surface, I would still cling to any scrap of praise or recognition I was given...no matter how much I would try to temper it with the realistic acknowledgment that it was all just pragmatic psychological conditioning.
But even so, I still think I clung desperately to the idea that I was at least considered...important, irreplaceable...
But meeting Shinji...learning that he was an untrained civilian that somehow managed to not only match my performance, but surpass it, made me seriously question my actual significance. It was certainly part of why I was so venomous and hateful towards him at first. And Rei...
'Just what did Commander Ikari DO to Wondergirl?'
And speaking of the appropriately named 'Bastard King'...
"What does the Commander think about this?"
'It's his son after all.' To actually say those words aloud would have made the question laughable, given what Shinji has implied about their relationship...and on the day we fought Sahaquiel, the telling way he utterly lit up with joy when his father offered him the barest, most infinitesimal token scrap of praise...
'But still...'
Misato snorts contemptuously, then replies in an imitation of a cold, male voice, "'I spoke to the council before you did. They have already presented to me the options NERV has concerning the Third Child. I informed them that, as both his guardian and commanding officer, you, Major Katsuragi, would have the final say in how the matter was handled.'"
She pauses for a moment, before adding, "'Do you have anything else of significance to report?'"
As I fall back into my seat, Misato drops her mocking imitation of Commander Ikari, her expression shifting into a humorless smile. "That expression on your face right now? Its exactly the same as what I was feeling when he said that to me."
"He's just like him..."
"Hmm?" I hear Misato shift in her seat, presumably turning to face me fully.
"...except...at least my father, he pretended that it was a hard choice for him..." the words are just tumbling out now, in a venomous hiss, like the leaking of noxious gas.
"Asuka?" Misato suddenly sounds worried.
I rise to my feet, suddenly feeling the need to be somewhere, anywhere else.
"Don't worry, I'm fine. I just..." I don't bother to finish my excuse before making for the door.
"Where are you going ?" Misato tentatively rises to her feet as well, but doesn't seem too determined to stop me, if only because of how worn out she must be.
"Bathroom."
"But there's one in-" the closing of the door behind me cuts her off.
I'm well aware that there's a bathroom in the room, but right now, I just need to get away from everyone. Funnily enough, I actually do need to use the bathroom, though the timing makes me wonder if my body's flight response is somehow responsible for the sudden urge.
'Well,' I think to myself dully, 'my flight response certainly HAS gotten plenty of exercise these last few days. Seems like all I know how to do anymore is run away. But then...'
"...I don't love you, and I never will. I don't even like you that much..."
'...it's better than the alternative, isn't it?'
The unisex restrooms in the hallway are, to my relief, single units just like the ones in the rooms. Even the privacy offered by a stall would've been enough...but having the whole room to myself is so much better.
But any relief I feel immediately dries up when I remember why I fled the room in the first place.
A realization...an epiphany; one that probably shouldn't have come as a real shock to me once I heard that Shinji too had lost his mother at an early age...and once I saw, firsthand, how he was treated by his father.
'Oh I saw it then, I'm sure I did...but I didn't want to. I wanted to believe anything other than what was right in front of me.'
"He's just like me." The words tumble out before I can stop them, but in such a low whisper that I doubt anyone without their ear glued to the door would've heard me. On the other hand, given that this is a NERV facility, I wouldn't be surprised if this whole hospital is bugged to hell and back.
'What does it really matter anymore? It's not like I'm denying how I feel now, right?'
But then...why did I run away just now?
I think back to that night in the apartment...and then to the incident with near the station.
'Maybe because...I still don't trust myself. Knowing me, I'll either reflexively say something cruel...or just completely freeze up and say nothing.'
I don't want to believe that I would do the former again. At worst, I'd probably do the latter.
'But you did manage to say the right thing for once', 'she' reminds me.
I remember back to that harrowing moment; how Shinji cursed me and angrily rejected my words.
I can see 'her' smile reassuringly at the reply of my doubtful heart. 'But only at first. And you could have chosen to reply in kind...but you didn't.'
I choose not to argue this time, electing instead to temper, though not completely extinguish, the rising warmth before it can overtake me. After all, I've never...thought very highly of the concept of having hope.
'Hope...'
Hope is weak...it is the acknowledgment of weakness, of powerlessness. It's having to admit that what you want isn't guaranteed to you, either because you lack the strength to take it for yourself...or because achieving it is truly impossible without some factor or twist of fate that is entirely out of your hands.
It's only now that I see, it takes a lot more courage to have hope than to just fall into despair...and I've never felt less courageous in my life.
A sudden knocking on the door brings shakes me out of my navel contemplating.
"Can you read?" I call back irritably, "It's occupied."
"I can see that, Asuka," Misato's voice replies from the other side of the door. She sounds amused...and strangely relieved...cheerful even. Nothing like the anxious, exhausted woman she was when I left the room.
My heart begins to race. 'There's only one thing I can think of that could have cheered her up this quickly.'
And sure enough...
"I just thought you should know...Shinji's awake."
Well folks, it's been more than a year...and over six months since I reassured everyone that Veering Left wasn't dead.
So, here it is...proof that Veering Left is still alive! I really do wish I had a lot more to show for such a long wait. Once again, I haven't written any further than this...but I REALLY hope that I won't ever take this long to write another chapter again.
But for now, please welcome Ms. Sohryu back to the stage
•1:18 AM
All is quiet in the room, save for the heart monitor and the muffled voices and footsteps passing by in the hallway. Suddenly, the footsteps come to a halt outside the door making me raise my head. I see the flash of a familiar face in the rectangular window before the door opens and Misato walks back in.
For a moment, I feel an immense relief that she's returned and that I haven't somehow managed to fuck up again in her absence...until I see her collapse into a chair and crumple forward with her face buried in her hands.
'That means...whatever the council said...it can't have been good.'
I feel my grip on the side rail of Shinji's bed tighten as the hand of dread begins to encircle its icy grip around my insides.
"Misato?" I address her tentatively.
She doesn't look up or uncover her face, but responds with a shuddering sigh that makes it clear she's doing all she can to keep herself under control.
After a moment she heaves another sigh, more controlled this time, and steels herself enough to finally respond with words.
"The council...they want to..."
She breaks off for a moment, having to fortify herself again.
"They...want to...speak to Shinji."
For a moment, I wonder if I somehow misheard what Misato just said. Blinking in confusion, I tilt my head with a slight frown.
"The council wants to...speak to Shinji?" I say, repeating her answer as a question.
Misato nods shakily, removing her hands from her face, but still averting her gaze from both me and the convalescent Third Child.
"Oh." I feel relief beginning to trickle its way through my tension. "Well...that doesn't seem so bad. At least they want to hear what he has to say rather than just immediately court martial him. I mean...that's a good thing, right?"
That's not to say he's out of the woods of course. But the fact that Shinji is pretty much singlehandedly responsible for having defeated the Angel has to count for something...
'...doesn't it?'
Misato doesn't answer for a long time, continuing to stare at Shinji with an expression that silently begs the unconscious boy for forgiveness.
"That, and they probably want to hear his account of what happened inside the Angel, right?"
'Surely Misato's just overreacting due to stress and fatigue. I mean...I expected there'd be an inquiry at the very LEAST. I mean, there might be other repercussions later...but if they're not immediately baying for his blood, or even for his expulsion from NERV...then at least they must be willing to hear him out. And that should be a good thing...right?'
Misato lowers her head, eyes now hidden beneath her unkempt hair. But even without seeing her expression, I can see her barely contained fury in the way her while body tenses, her clenched fists turning white at the knuckles.
"The problem isn't just the 'why', Asuka," she replies through gritted teeth, "It's the 'when'."
Her expression and tone of voice turn frigid. "At least Ritsuko, for all her many faults, would actually give Shinji some time to recover before asking him to relive what happened. But they...the old bastards..."
"Wait. You mean..."
I'm beginning to understand now, why Misato is so angry and distressed.
'They wouldn't. Surely, it'd be much more sensible to give Shinji time to recover first. A week or two at least, if not more, depending on his mental and emotional state he's in when he wakes up.'
"How soon?" I ask.
'At least a day or two. It has to be. Even if he's guilty of insubordination, they'd have to take his mental health into consideration for practical reasons at lea-'
"As soon as he's awake and coherent enough to speak."
A moment of stunned silence follows.
"What?" The word sounds as numb as I feel at this appalling revelation. "You...you can't be serious."
"Well...I am," Misato replies tersely. "As soon as he's able to string together clear, lucid thoughts into a sentence, I'll have to rush him down to the same conference room I just came from. Even if I have to roll him there in a wheelchair."
"But that's...that's INSANE!" I retort, angrily rising to my feet. "After everything that's already happened, the last thing Shinji needs is to be interrogated right after waking up! What if-"
"Dammit Asuka, I know!"
It's probably fortunate for both of us that Misato has the grace to look ashamed of her outburst.
"I-I'm sorry," she murmurs, bowing her head. "I...shouldn't have..."
Part of me churlishly wants to agree, to admonish her as she's done to me so many times before. But...looking at her, I can see just how much this whole rotten situation is eating away at my former guardian.
'She hasn't eaten or slept since before the Angel showed up...and that was nearly thirteen hours ago now. Besides...' My eyes narrow as the anger boiling inside of me freezes over into something more dark and glacial. 'The ones really to blame for this...are the people who run the show...the only people to whom we answer in some capacity.'
Surely, they must have some idea of how harmful an interrogation immediately upon awakening from a coma must be...
'But they don't care. In fact...I'm starting to think that no one, except maybe Misato and Kaji, cares at all...about any of us.'
But, then again...
'...is that really a surprise?'
It's strange though. I've always been the sort of person determined to pinpoint the worst in everyone around me to avoid being blindsided later...yet still, I somehow made myself believe that those at the top of the chain of command would at least see me as a valuable asset.
In the earliest days of my training, they sure did try their best to stroke my ego as much as possible. They told me I was 'special', 'the best candidate they'd ever seen' and so on...
But I guess it didn't work the way they'd hoped. Sure, I bought it hook, line and sinker...but instead of a blindly loyal tool, they just created a spoiled brat. When they stopped indulging me and started throwing me at increasingly strict guardians who made it very clear that I was a burden none of them wanted to deal with, I started to see the truth. And in truly bittersweet irony, it was Kaji's genuine kindness toward me that made me realize how fake everyone else's had been up to that point.
'But maybe...even after all these years...even after, in my own mind at least, becoming too jaded and 'wise to the way of the world'...maybe deep down, I still held on to the idea that my superiors really did see me as 'special' and exceptional'. After all, once Kaji managed to reign in my more uncontrollable behaviors, they were quick to lavish praise on me again...albeit without being as overly indulgent as they were before...but that hardly mattered to me by that point; I had already begun to tell myself not to take any of it to heart.
But looking back, I remember how empty I would feel on the days I would perform too poorly to receive anything but stern criticism, and how much, no matter how stoic and professional I tried to appear on the surface, I would still cling to any scrap of praise or recognition I was given...no matter how much I would try to temper it with the realistic acknowledgment that it was all just pragmatic psychological conditioning.
But even so, I still think I clung desperately to the idea that I was at least considered...important, irreplaceable...
But meeting Shinji...learning that he was an untrained civilian that somehow managed to not only match my performance, but surpass it, made me seriously question my actual significance. It was certainly part of why I was so venomous and hateful towards him at first. And Rei...
'Just what did Commander Ikari DO to Wondergirl?'
And speaking of the appropriately named 'Bastard King'...
"What does the Commander think about this?"
'It's his son after all.' To actually say those words aloud would have made the question laughable, given what Shinji has implied about their relationship...and on the day we fought Sahaquiel, the telling way he utterly lit up with joy when his father offered him the barest, most infinitesimal token scrap of praise...
'But still...'
Misato snorts contemptuously, then replies in an imitation of a cold, male voice, "'I spoke to the council before you did. They have already presented to me the options NERV has concerning the Third Child. I informed them that, as both his guardian and commanding officer, you, Major Katsuragi, would have the final say in how the matter was handled.'"
She pauses for a moment, before adding, "'Do you have anything else of significance to report?'"
As I fall back into my seat, Misato drops her mocking imitation of Commander Ikari, her expression shifting into a humorless smile. "That expression on your face right now? Its exactly the same as what I was feeling when he said that to me."
"He's just like him..."
"Hmm?" I hear Misato shift in her seat, presumably turning to face me fully.
"...except...at least my father, he pretended that it was a hard choice for him..." the words are just tumbling out now, in a venomous hiss, like the leaking of noxious gas.
"Asuka?" Misato suddenly sounds worried.
I rise to my feet, suddenly feeling the need to be somewhere, anywhere else.
"Don't worry, I'm fine. I just..." I don't bother to finish my excuse before making for the door.
"Where are you going ?" Misato tentatively rises to her feet as well, but doesn't seem too determined to stop me, if only because of how worn out she must be.
"Bathroom."
"But there's one in-" the closing of the door behind me cuts her off.
I'm well aware that there's a bathroom in the room, but right now, I just need to get away from everyone. Funnily enough, I actually do need to use the bathroom, though the timing makes me wonder if my body's flight response is somehow responsible for the sudden urge.
'Well,' I think to myself dully, 'my flight response certainly HAS gotten plenty of exercise these last few days. Seems like all I know how to do anymore is run away. But then...'
"...I don't love you, and I never will. I don't even like you that much..."
'...it's better than the alternative, isn't it?'
The unisex restrooms in the hallway are, to my relief, single units just like the ones in the rooms. Even the privacy offered by a stall would've been enough...but having the whole room to myself is so much better.
But any relief I feel immediately dries up when I remember why I fled the room in the first place.
A realization...an epiphany; one that probably shouldn't have come as a real shock to me once I heard that Shinji too had lost his mother at an early age...and once I saw, firsthand, how he was treated by his father.
'Oh I saw it then, I'm sure I did...but I didn't want to. I wanted to believe anything other than what was right in front of me.'
"He's just like me." The words tumble out before I can stop them, but in such a low whisper that I doubt anyone without their ear glued to the door would've heard me. On the other hand, given that this is a NERV facility, I wouldn't be surprised if this whole hospital is bugged to hell and back.
'What does it really matter anymore? It's not like I'm denying how I feel now, right?'
But then...why did I run away just now?
I think back to that night in the apartment...and then to the incident with near the station.
'Maybe because...I still don't trust myself. Knowing me, I'll either reflexively say something cruel...or just completely freeze up and say nothing.'
I don't want to believe that I would do the former again. At worst, I'd probably do the latter.
'But you did manage to say the right thing for once', 'she' reminds me.
I remember back to that harrowing moment; how Shinji cursed me and angrily rejected my words.
I can see 'her' smile reassuringly at the reply of my doubtful heart. 'But only at first. And you could have chosen to reply in kind...but you didn't.'
I choose not to argue this time, electing instead to temper, though not completely extinguish, the rising warmth before it can overtake me. After all, I've never...thought very highly of the concept of having hope.
'Hope...'
Hope is weak...it is the acknowledgment of weakness, of powerlessness. It's having to admit that what you want isn't guaranteed to you, either because you lack the strength to take it for yourself...or because achieving it is truly impossible without some factor or twist of fate that is entirely out of your hands.
It's only now that I see, it takes a lot more courage to have hope than to just fall into despair...and I've never felt less courageous in my life.
A sudden knocking on the door brings shakes me out of my navel contemplating.
"Can you read?" I call back irritably, "It's occupied."
"I can see that, Asuka," Misato's voice replies from the other side of the door. She sounds amused...and strangely relieved...cheerful even. Nothing like the anxious, exhausted woman she was when I left the room.
My heart begins to race. 'There's only one thing I can think of that could have cheered her up this quickly.'
And sure enough...
"I just thought you should know...Shinji's awake."
Last edited:
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Time to go see someone you've been missing, Asuka.
Marta Burgendorf
Morgen, morgen, nur nicht heute
- Location
- Russland
Is there a hope we ever see a Watsonian explanation of Asuka's hallucinations?
Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
Okay I'm back.
And there it is. I swear that line just encapsulates the entire concept of Eva fix-fiction
Hope is scary, but nobody can live long without it. Avoiding hope is like not eating for fear of food poisoning.
Now comes the scary part.
Sorry for necroing- is this dead?
- Location
- Australia, mate
That's very much likely at this point. The author hasn't even been seen on SV for around a year at this point.
- Location
- United States
Get your wash cloth ready because you're about to get some egg on your face.
@RedDestroyer1361 posted a reaction back in May 2021. It's literally the only thing in the activity feed so they haven't left a like or comment in 10 weeks or so at this point.
But they have in fact been seen in the last 12 months!
Chapter 9.6 10/19/2015 (1:44 AM)
- Location
- United States
•1:44 AM
'Am I dead? Have I finally died?'
It's dark here. All around me is…nothing. And yet…
'There are memories…how we got here.'
…it is only when sound and image and light begin to intrude upon the darkness around me that I begin to see it…only as awareness begins to lift the veil from my waking mind.
'Where am I? What has happened to me? How did we arrive here? Where is here? Why is…everything dark again?'
A dread I can't fully begin to understand makes my heart freeze.
'But I have no heart. I have nothing. I AM nothing. Who…am I?'
Who? Shinji Ikari.
…no…no…no…no…
That's…what that…
No. No. No no no no no no no no….
…what that…THING…the thing that was me…and yet…it…
NononononononononononononoNONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO
'IT…WORE MY FACE! IT WORE MY FACE! IT WORE MY FACE! IT WORE MY FACE!'
Who am I? Shinji Ikari!
WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
'Rei is…Rei…IS…'
The image of her on that screen.
'She can't be…I have to…I HAVE TO…'
…the sightless eyes above her lifelessly gaping mouth…nononononononononono…
'She isn't she isn't she isn't…she's…not…'
…her head lolling grotesquely atop her broken neck…
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!'
I feel the blind strangulation of panic fill my senses, feel the air turn solid as I try to gulp it down into lungs that aren't there…eyes that see nothing are rolling and darting frantically about, unable to turn away, helpless to stem the flood of memories…the comprehensions and merciless truths that assail them without respite as the dam between it all breaks…
And with the break…comes a blinding flood of light from the unfamiliar ceiling above, except…it isn't really unfamiliar anymore, not really.
————————————————————————
AN: Yeah…so…I'm not dead and neither is Veering Left!
Lordy, it's been a while hasn't it? I'm really sorry it's taking so long between updates.
Also, I'm sure you'll be relieved to know that this very short segment is NOT what took me over a year to write. That would be the next one after it, which I'll post either tomorrow or sometime within the next few days.
If I'm being honest, I banged this one out in about an hour or less, after I'd mostly finished the next chapter, since it just didn't feel right to not have at least a little bit of Shinji's POV upon his awakening.
Anyways, I'll try to get myself working on 9.8 ASAP, and the 3 or so segments remaining in Chapter 9.
'Am I dead? Have I finally died?'
It's dark here. All around me is…nothing. And yet…
'There are memories…how we got here.'
…it is only when sound and image and light begin to intrude upon the darkness around me that I begin to see it…only as awareness begins to lift the veil from my waking mind.
'Where am I? What has happened to me? How did we arrive here? Where is here? Why is…everything dark again?'
A dread I can't fully begin to understand makes my heart freeze.
'But I have no heart. I have nothing. I AM nothing. Who…am I?'
Who? Shinji Ikari.
…no…no…no…no…
That's…what that…
No. No. No no no no no no no no….
…what that…THING…the thing that was me…and yet…it…
NononononononononononononoNONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO
'IT…WORE MY FACE! IT WORE MY FACE! IT WORE MY FACE! IT WORE MY FACE!'
Who am I? Shinji Ikari!
WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
'Rei is…Rei…IS…'
The image of her on that screen.
'She can't be…I have to…I HAVE TO…'
…the sightless eyes above her lifelessly gaping mouth…nononononononononono…
'She isn't she isn't she isn't…she's…not…'
…her head lolling grotesquely atop her broken neck…
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!'
I feel the blind strangulation of panic fill my senses, feel the air turn solid as I try to gulp it down into lungs that aren't there…eyes that see nothing are rolling and darting frantically about, unable to turn away, helpless to stem the flood of memories…the comprehensions and merciless truths that assail them without respite as the dam between it all breaks…
And with the break…comes a blinding flood of light from the unfamiliar ceiling above, except…it isn't really unfamiliar anymore, not really.
————————————————————————
AN: Yeah…so…I'm not dead and neither is Veering Left!
Lordy, it's been a while hasn't it? I'm really sorry it's taking so long between updates.
Also, I'm sure you'll be relieved to know that this very short segment is NOT what took me over a year to write. That would be the next one after it, which I'll post either tomorrow or sometime within the next few days.
If I'm being honest, I banged this one out in about an hour or less, after I'd mostly finished the next chapter, since it just didn't feel right to not have at least a little bit of Shinji's POV upon his awakening.
Anyways, I'll try to get myself working on 9.8 ASAP, and the 3 or so segments remaining in Chapter 9.
- Location
- United States
Chapter 9.7 10/19/2015 (1:45 AM)
- Location
- United States
AN: Well folks, here it is; the segment whose completion bedeviled me for nearly a year and a half.
Misato is back…and has much to say to everyone's favorite idiot.
•1:45 AM
It's so hard to stay awake. The drone of medical equipment and distant, muffled voices out in the hallway combine into a symphony of white noise that makes me just want to melt into unconsciousness. That said, at this point, I could probably fall asleep to the sound of an artillery bombardment.
'Why'd Asuka have to go running off?' I think to myself grumpily.
She was the only thing keeping me from nodding off at this point...even with how anxious I am right now about everything. Though, if anything, the anxiety might be making me feel even more tired...if only so that I can escape from it for a short while.
And I feel myself giving in, and for a moment, I stop fighting back, when...
A subtle movement in the corner of my eye catches my attention. And upon turning to look directly at the disturbance, I feel every ounce of tiredness evaporate in a instant.
Shinji is slowly blinking his eyes, uttering a low moan as his face instinctively wrinkles in discomfort from the brightness of the overhead lighting.
I watch for a moment, too stunned with disbelieving relief to utter a word or even move.
With a sudden gasp, Shinji sits bolt upright, promptly clutching at his head in disorientation.
"W-what ha-...ugh..." the question shifts to a disoriented groan as he visibly struggles to get his bearings.
I know...I know that I should be more gentle and not startle him, but...after the last few hours, I just can't hide how relieved I am.
"Shinji!"
He immediately jerks his head towards me upon hearing me, but otherwise has no time to prepare himself for the hug I have him bound in.
'He's alive!'
Gods, I feel like singing right now!
I won't though. I've been told that, apparently, my singing is forbidden by the Geneva Convention.
"M-Misato?"
To my immense relief, his voice sounds the same as ever.
'He can still talk, and he even sounds like himself. Oh gods, he really is going to be okay!'
"The one and only!" I reply, sounding as giddy as I feel.
"A-are you...s-sure?"
Something in his voice sounds...off. I immediately pull back to look at him properly, and feel my heart sink as he pulls himself away from my grip, shrinking back against the headboard of the bed, looking up at me with fearful, uncertain eyes.
"Shinji? W-what is it? What's wrong?" I'm feeling scared all over again now.
'What could have happened to him?'
"H-how...how can I be sure that this is real?" He seems to be talking more to himself than to me. "H-how do I know that you're really Misato and not...and not th-the..."
Cold rushes throughout my body at what Shinji's words are implying.
'The Angel somehow seized control of Unit 00...so it's not exactly a stretch to assume that it may have also mentally assaulted Shinji.'
"Shinji, look at me," I order as gently as I can while still being firm, "look me in the eye."
Deciding that perhaps towering over him isn't helping, I lower myself on one knee beside the bed to get down to his eye level.
"I promise you that I'm not some trick or illusion."
I put my hand on his and my stomach twists when I feel how much he's shaking, "Its really me, I promise."
I feel him gasp a little at the contact, but to my relief, he doesn't pull away. After a moment, he places his other hand over mine, clasping tightly, as though trying to be sure it's really there.
"I-I'm really back?" He seems to be calming down, but he still sounds unsure.
"Yes Shinji," I reply, trying not to tear up, "you really are. The Angel is dead, and you're safe."
"But...how? The last thing I remember was..."
He trails off as his eyes begin to widen and unfocus, clearly staring at some unseen horror.
"R-Rei..." he croaks out, pulling his hands away from mine and clutches at his face. "I-it...th-the Angel...it k-killed her. I...I-I couldn't..."
His breath begins to hitch. "I f-failed, and n-now she's...she's..."
His voice collapses as he begins to cry in earnest.
"Shinji," I speak softly as I put a consoling hand on his shoulder. "You didn't fail. You got her out. She's alive. You saved her."
He looks up at me, tears staining his cheeks, but with a reluctant hope in his eyes.
"B-But I-I saw..."
He wants to believe me, but I can tell there's something he must have seen...something the Angel must have done to make him think that Rei was dead.
I shake my head with a reassuring smile. "Whatever the Angel made you see was a lie. Ritsuko told me that Rei is injured, but that she should make a full recovery."
But even as I say these words, I feel doubt rippling darkly in the back of my mind.
'Ritsuko...I knew she'd changed. But I didn't realize just how much until last night. Still, she wouldn't lie about Rei being alive...would she?'
Thankfully, my growing misgivings don't seem to have shown on my face, as Shinji stops crying and seems to calm down for a moment.
"Are you...sure?"
Forcing down any doubts about my former friend's honesty, I reply, "Yes, I'm sure. Asuka also confir-"
My words are cut off as Shinji utters a horrified gasp upon hearing the name of his fellow pilot, once again clutching at his head in distress.
"Oh god! She's gonna kill me! Unless...". His face suddenly turns white as a sheet. "Is she...she's not...I-I didn't-"
"No," I shake my head with a small smile, "she's fine. No injuries at all."
"Oh." Shinji seems to calm down again as he turns away and flops back down onto the bed, looking immensely relieved.
"That's...that's good. I...I didn't want her to get hurt. I-I...I just..." His expression becomes anxious again, guilt mingling with fear. "I didn't know what else t-to do." He starts to curl himself into a ball. "Oh gods..."
"Relax Shinji, she's not mad about it."
Shinji blinks a few times in bemusement, then slowly turns to regard me with an almost comically disbelieving expression.
"I'm serious," I reply with a light chuckle. "Really, she's...well..." I trail off, my humor beginning to fade as the reality of what's happened and will happen starts to set back in.
"At the very least," I continue, fixing Shinji with a stern glare, "she's not half as angry with you as I am."
He shrinks away from me in fear, though he at least has the grace to look ashamed of himself. "I-I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" I throw the word back at him, now understanding more than ever, Asuka's irritation with this habit of his. "Sorry for what?"
I begin to raise my voice as my anger rises in tandem. "For publicly flouting my authority? For damaging another Evangelion? For almost getting yourself killed AGAIN?!"
"I...I'm..." the boy tries to bleat out.
"Don't you say it!" I growl over his feeble attempt to 'apologize'. "Don't you dare even think about saying what I know you're about to say!"
Shinji closes his mouth and turns away, his lip trembling slightly.
Seeing this makes my fury dissipate as quickly as it rose.
'Dammit! I can never just lay into him and let him have it without feeling like shit, can I?'
I can never shake the memory of that moment I saw his bed empty...or the feeling of being airless and hollow inside when I realized he ran away because I...
'...no. I was right to be angry then. And I'm right to be angry now. But, I also know that yelling won't do any good. At least not right now.'
I take a deep breath, feeling calm rationality override, though not fully expel, my frustration.
"You know what you did was stupid and reckless, don't you?"
Shinji, still facing away from me, gives a small, tremulous nod of his head.
"Look at me." My voice is stern, but calm. "Turn around, and look at me."
It takes Shinji a long moment to turn back to me, but when he does...he seems to have mentally steeled himself.
"I-I know it was stupid, b-but-"
"'But' nothing," I cut across. "I don't want to hear any 'buts'. You put yourself and others in an unacceptable amount of danger AND committed an act of public insubordination!"
"You didn't care this much about putting Asuka at 'unacceptable risk' when we fought the Eigth! Why should I be any different?"
A ringing silence follows his outburst as I attempt to keep my reflexive anger from flaring up again.
'How dare he?! Doesn't he understand that it's BECAUSE of that incident that I'm so upset about this? That was because HE called me out on what I-...'
But then it occurs to me...I never really had the time that day to properly respond to his grievances before having him rushed off to the on-site medical station. And afterwards, when I did have time...
'...I was honestly too ashamed of myself to acknowledge it again until Asuka brought it up a few hours ago.'
I heave a deep sigh, but refuse to let myself look away as I answer, "Shinji, I...I made a terrible mistake that day. We won, but...it could have been done in a way that was far less hazardous if I had been thinking more clearly. And the thought of how close I came to recklessly sacrificing Asuka has haunted me ever since then."
I reach out to gently lay a hand on his arm. "I NEVER want to let that happen again. Victory isn't worth losing any of you."
Shinji, for his part, looks utterly stunned. Clearly, he was expecting to be yelled at again, but my response caught him off guard.
"I know I didn't say anything then...but your words DID get through to me that day. I'm just sorry that it took until just now for me to admit it."
Shinji appears to relax again, though still too caught off guard to say anything.
'That's good, because there's still something I need to make clear.'
"But..."
At the return of my stern tone of voice, he visibly tenses.
"...it is precisely because I understand what I did wrong before that makes me so upset with what you just did. I...Shinji, I almost lost you today."
A very light blush seems to brighten Shinji's ashen complexion for just a moment, before his expression turns fretful. "But...Misato, you...you almost lost Rei today too. I-If I h-hadn't gone after her, how would we have..."
He breaks off, clearly too distressed at even imagining what might have happened if he'd failed to save her. So, he chooses a different angle. "A-And, it seems l-like the only way to defeat the Angel was to...um...a-attack it f-from the i-inside anyway. S-So wouldn't one of us have needed to do what I did a-anyway?"
He has the grace to look thoroughly shocked at his own audacity to have said what he did out loud, and grimaces in expectation of another tongue lashing...one that isn't immediately forthcoming.
"You're right."
Once more, Shinji is completely thrown for a loop, and turns to look at me, bewildered.
"At least," I hold up my hand to indicate that by no means is he off the hook yet, "You're partially right. Ultimately, I'd have probably needed to send one of you in after Rei. But what you did was still unacceptable."
"B-But you just said-"
"Let me finish!" I cut across Shinji's protests with a moderately raised voice. "Ultimately, I would've had to send in you or Asuka. But that doesn't mean it was okay for you to just jump the gun the way you did! Did you honestly have any real plan aside from letting the Angel swallow you? What if it had instantly killed you the moment you were completely swallowed?!"
I stand up, beginning to pace back and forth in my agitation. "And before you point out that the risk could've been the same if you'd waited for me to give you orders to do what you did, let me remind you that if you'd given me the time to give you the appropriate order, I'd have at least had the chance to better assess the potential risks, AND set up appropriate contingencies! Instead, you left me down TWO Evas, AND damaged the remaining one! And..."
'...no. He doesn't need to know about that yet. Not...not right now anyway.'
In my renewed anger, I nearly let slip what Ritsuko would have done. But knowing that he still has to face the council...possibly any minute now, if anyone on SEELE's payroll in this facility has realized that Shinji is awake and lucid, I just can't bring myself to tell him. While he's not exactly close with the 'good' doctor, he seems to hold her in high regard. Knowing that she'd have remorselessly sacrificed both himself and Rei would just be more baggage than he needs to carry right now.
"And," I continue, leveling my voice back down to stern disappointment as I move to a topic that definitely DOES need addressing, "There's still the matter of your EXTREMELY PUBLIC insubordination. You acted like a reckless brat who can't be bothered to follow orders, and who will carelessly risk everyone else's lives along with your own!"
"But I-"
"It doesn't matter!" I cut across him, "It doesn't matter what your intent was, Shinji! Yes, I know you acted with good intent and purely out of concern for a fellow pilot. I know that that the last thing you'd have wanted would be for anyone else to be hurt, especially because of your own actions. But other people, especially the kind of people that NERV answers to, only see a soldier who refuses to follow orders when they're given, and who is willing to put the other people involved in the operation at risk by ignoring the chain of command and acting on their own selfish impulses.
"Not to mention," I add, folding my arms in a gesture that I pray looks more severe than defensive, "It makes ME look bad. It looks, to an outsider, as if I have neither your confidence or respect."
That, more than anything, seems to have finally gotten through to Shinji, as all the fight and defiance seems to deflate from him.
"B-But I...I do-" he begins weakly.
"Do you?" I interrupt, "This isn't the first time you've openly disobeyed me. I can't even begin to tell you how lucky you are that you managed to kill the Fourth Angel before Unit 01 ran out of power!"
I can practically see the memories of that day playing back in his mind. Even so, I can see him opening his mouth to argue, but knowing perfectly well what he's about to counter with, I beat him to it.
"Before you say it," I say raising a hand to cut off his protest, "no, I haven't forgotten that when you rushed to save Asuka, when I saw you running towards the magma, I reflexively ordered you to stay put."
Shinji promptly closes his mouth.
"But," I continue, "considering, as I've already said, that my own decisions that day are a large part of why I'm so concerned about your actions today, I think it should be pretty clear to you that I'm glad you DID disobey me that time."
I pause to take a breath, before continuing, "But what I need you to understand is that there are several important differences between then and now. Firstly, when you moved to save Asuka, Sandalphon's Blue Pattern was negated and it was therefore confirmed neutralized. Your actions were still extremely reckless, but at least an active Angel was no longer part of the equation. Secondly, while like today, the operation certainly did not proceed as planned, all nearby civilian populations had either been evacuated from the area or into fully secure shelters."
I see the look of guilty comprehension in Shinji's eyes at the reminder that most of Tokyo 3 could only be evacuated to the provisional shelters…and the subsequent understanding that his reckless behavior may well have put the inadequately protected civilians in even greater peril.
"Finally, and I need you to really understand this one," I press on, not at all deterred by Shinji's visible consternation, "This battle, far more than any of the ones we've fought before, has and will be put under a microscope."
"A m-microscope?"
"Think, Shinji, think!" I snap back impatiently, "This Angel not only entered the city directly, it COMPLETELY bypassed the ENTIRE detection array. Sure we have a good idea of why it was able to do that now, but when it first appeared, right OVER the fucking city, without tripping a single alarm…"
I let that sink in for a moment before continuing, "You can bet your ass that everyone, EVERYONE who has clearance to know about the Angels, and a lot more who don't and shouldn't, had their full and undivided attention on this battle. And then, to make matters worse, my initial strategy failed and horribly backfired! And just when things couldn't get any worse, one of my Pilots decides to not only defy my orders, but completely ignore them! AND, on top of that, damaged another Evangelion, which, I might add, was to be the ONLY combat capable Evangelion LEFT after said Pilot decided that his own judgment was superior to that of his commander!"
Despite initially not wanting to give him the third degree just after waking up, and before facing whatever the Committee has in store for him, I can't help but let the resurgent anger wash over me when I realize just how much Shinji's thoughtless actions could cost us, and him in particular…however well-intentioned he might have been.
That said…
"I…" Shinji can barely even articulate that single letter, his voice strangled with distress. "M-Misato, I-I…"
"Understand something Shinji," I cut across his abortive attempts to speak, but more gently than before, "This isn't just a bad look for NERV and for me personally, because it looks to everyone else as though I have no control over my charges…this is a bad look for YOU in particular! You need to understand that while NERV has a considerable amount of immunity from the UN, and the Japanese government…that immunity isn't perfect. A LOT of people saw you openly defy me and put at risk an operation that could have decided the fate of humanity. And not all of those people are going to regard you as a noble person trying to save a fellow Pilot even against their superior's wishes. All some of them will see is a petulant child throwing a tantrum and refusing to follow orders. It won't matter to some of them that you actually ARE a child!"
The enormity of these implications seems to finally, truly dawn on the boy in front of me…and despite how angry I was, and how much I wanted and needed him to understand why this was wrong and can NEVER happen again, I feel absolutely no vindication or satisfaction at the way Shinji's eyes turn as dull and lightless as they were in the first photograph I'd even seen of him.
A few more long minutes pass before Shinji speaks up. "I…I really messed up this time, huh?"
His voice is steady now, though I can sense the anxiety beneath the calm resignation. "So, will I be discharged from NERV or…something more serious?"
I heave a deep sigh. "I'm…not sure yet. Despite everything I've just said, it's possible that nothing will happen."
He looks at me in utter disbelief. "But I-…you just said-…"
"Yeah, I know," I reply, "Frankly, your record against the Angels we've already fought really does make you practically untouchable. But…"
I loom over him, arms folded, face set into the sternest expression I can muster, "You should NOT take that as an invitation to continue being insubordinate! Just like when you fought against Shamshel, you won and came back alive this time due to being EXCEPTIONALLY lucky. But I shouldn't have to remind you that you CAN'T bank on luck to save you! If you keep this up, you'll eventually get yourself killed or severely injured! And let me tell you, if you hadn't killed this Angel, but survived the battle too badly injured to ever pilot again, then you might well have been tried and court-martialled! Because of your age, and prior record, they would most likely put you under extensive house arrest…but there's absolutely no guarantee that some wouldn't push for more severe or drastic punishment, despite that."
I can think of at least a few high-ranking officials in both the military and the government of this and other nations who have always regarded NERV with resentment and contempt, and might relish in the opportunity to knock us down a peg or three…even if their scapegoat was a terrified fourteen year old.
It's clear from the look of wide-eyed horror on Shinji's face that he never once considered any of these possibilities. "W-would they…would they really do that to me? To us?"
"It's a possible worst case scenario, yes," I reply bluntly. But softening my voice, I continue, "Of course, I would do whatever I could to protect you. Insubordinate or not, I really do care about you, kiddo. But…"
I let my expression turn solemn once more, "I need you to understand that there may be things that I CAN'T protect you from, and…if anything should ever happen to me…"
"Wh-What would happen to you?"
Kaji's revelations echo through my mind, alongside images of that…thing; that monstrosity nailed to a cross beneath our very feet...
"…b-because of me?" Shinji's quietly mortified question brings me back to reality.
The look on his face makes me wish I hadn't said that last bit. It's certainly possible that I could be demoted or discharged if he or the others fucked up badly enough on my watch…but at the risk of sounding conceited, I don't find that especially likely…at least not until I start becoming too troublesome to keep alive.
"It's…not likely. But I'd be lying if I said wasn't possible."
It's not untrue, but even so, it feels disgustingly manipulative to so readily exploit his obvious fear of landing me in hot water. But if it gets him to be more careful in a way that his negligible value for his own safety hasn't…
Heh. Guilt tripping is still guilt tripping. And it's what brought him here in the first place. Why stop or even bother denying it now?
Shinji is quiet for a moment, looking down at his hands, one of them clenching and unclenching fretfully. "If…if they try to blame you for what I did, I'll…" he still looks scared, but seems to steel himself as his restless hand finally tightens into a fist. "I'll make sure they know it was my fault. That you did everything you could to stop me."
It's not especially surprising to hear from Shinji, but it's still heartwarming to hear it said with such genuine sincerity and determination. But if anything, it makes me feel all the worse that this is pretty much the best time to tell him…
"I…appreciate the sentiment, but you won't really need to. I've already spoken to the UN Committee."
"Oh. That's good then, right?" The fact that Shinji looks relieved on my behalf, rather than immediately feeling suspicious of where this conversation could be headed, makes me feel even worse for what I've agreed to.
'Even if I had to…even if they forced me by threatening to have him face a court martial…or at least implying that they would, I'm never going to be okay with the decision to let him be anywhere near those creepy old fucks.'
"They…" the words stick in my throat, "they…want to speak to you as well."
"Oh…" it seems to be the only word he can muster as he attempts to process what I've just said.
Meanwhile, the relief and any remaining color, drain from his face as he silently looks down at his hands, one of them fretfully clenching and unclenching.
A part of me wants to apologize…
'…but what good would that do? No matter what I say, he'll have to face them.'
Of course, knowing how true this is doesn't make me feel any better about it. Nor does knowing that apologizing now will only serve to make Shinji even more anxious than he must be already.
Even so, seeing him so pale, I have to say something, anything…
"Shinji," I say gently, laying a hand on his shoulder, "It's…it's going to be okay. You just need to answer any questions they have for you. You can do that, can't you?"
He looks back at me with eyes full of uncertainty…but my tone seems to ease him a bit, and he nods. "Y-yeah. I'll…I'll do whatever I have to."
I pat him on the back with a smile, hoping that he can't see my own doubts and trepidation.
"When will I need to go?" he asks.
"Well…"
Naturally, the truthful answer to that is something I'd rather not say. So I opt for a half truth. "Whenever you feel ready."
Thinking back to my earlier conversation with Asuka, I can't help but feel that the old bastards really do owe him at least that much.
Shinji nods again. "Will…I-I mean…can you go with me?"
I smile sadly, "I'm…not allowed to accompany you inside the conference room where you'll be meeting them, but I'll certainly escort you there, if that helps."
With a wan, but determined smile, Shinji nods his head in agreement once more. "Then…I should go now. And get it over with." He pauses a moment, "If you're okay with walking me there now."
Part of me is relieved that Shinji doesn't want to delay, and indeed seems eager to get it over with…but still I can't help but feel a bit of trepidation. "You're sure you're ready?"
"Yeah."
"Positive?"
"Yeah."
"Alright," I say, heaving a gentle sigh, whether of relief or deeper apprehension, I don't know. "I'll make the call and let them know. But before that…"
I stand up, and start walking to the door.
"Wait, where are you going?" he asks, looking puzzled.
"Just to let a certain someone know you're finally awake," I reply with a knowing smile.
"What? Who?"
I consider, for a moment, how entertaining it would be to keep it a secret, then see his shocked expression when Asuka walks back into the room. But, all things considered…
"Asuka sat here with me at your bedside from the moment you were admitted. She only left to use the bathroom a few minutes before you woke up."
Shinji blinks a few times, utter disbelief etched into every line of his face. "S-She, what?! I-I…I…"
He trails off, clearly unsure of what to think or how he should feel, but his eyes, so often shifty and downcast, are positively boring into mine with an intensity that I've rarely seen from the boy. It's obvious that Shinji finds what I've said to be supremely unbelievable, and yet…I can tell that he knows that I would absolutely never lie to him about such a thing after everything that's happened the past few days. Even so, he hunts for any hint of a lie in my expression, likely while trying to determine whether or not he somehow misheard me.
"I know, it seems unbelievable. But no, you haven't misheard me. And I swear, on the grave of my father, that I'm not lying to you. She really did. And she was worried sick about you."
At that last part, I can see his expression turn much more genuinely skeptical. And to be fair, I don't begrudge him that disbelief in the slightest. Honestly, I wouldn't have believed either if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Even so, it's a disheartening sight.
'But of course, actions speak louder than words.'
Not to mention, telling him Asuka physically sat next to me is one thing. Telling him that she acted in a manner she's never EVER showed him she was even CAPABLE of acting in towards him? That's a whole new ballgame…and for better or worse, that ball is now very much in Asuka's court. Or at least, it will be…hopefully. For right now, it's actually in Shinji's.
"So, I suppose the question for right now is this," I press on, "Are you okay with seeing her right now?"
It's only once I've posited the question that I realize just HOW MUCH I've been dreading asking it. Because, logically, Shinji has every reason to not want to. And what's more, Shinji's way has ALWAYS, for as long as I've known him, been to avoid conflict, especially if the choice is up to him. Not that he hasn't surprised me and everyone else from time to time, but still…
For a moment Shinji's face seems to blanche in instinctive fear at the thought of seeing her, and I feel my heart begin to sink in response. But after a moment, his expression eases back into sheepish skepticism. "Are you sure that she wants to see ME?"
I try not to visibly show my discomfort at how tricky a question that is to answer. The truth is that I have no idea how Asuka will handle this. She's at least admitted that she cares about Shinji and deeply regrets how she acted before, and, to my own profound surprise, doesn't seem to hold his own actions and words during the battle against him…but that doesn't translate to her being instantly able to handle talking to him. But still…
"I think she'd at least like to know that you're awake and in good health," I reply, opting for an answer I know I can give honestly. "So, I'm going to go over and tell her now. But…it's ultimately up to you to decide whether you want to talk things out with her now, or if you'd rather hold off on it until you're ready. And it's okay if you aren't. For all we know, she might not be either. I'll make sure to keep you separated if that's what you both feel is necessary."
Shinji turns away, eyes staring down at the bedsheets. He's silent for a long moment, before finally answering, "I-I'll…l-leave up to her."
"So…you're okay seeing her face to face?" I ask, strongly hoping that Shinji isn't only agreeing to this because he thinks it's what I want.
He smiles weakly. "I think I…I-I at least owe her an apology."
If the situation hadn't been so serious, I might have cracked a joke about how she tends to react to his apologies. "Alright," I reply with a nod, "I'll go and ask her the same question then. If you feel up to it, you can start getting dressed. Your clothes are in there." I point to a small dresser.
Shinji nods, and climbs out of bed to retrieve his clothes as I exit the room and make my way down the hallway. Following the nearest restroom sign, I round a corner, and find a pair of unisex bathrooms. The door of the one on the left reads 'occupied'.
'Well, here goes nothing.'
I knock, and to my relief, I hear a peeved and very familiar voice on the other side respond, "Can you read? It's occupied."
In spite of everything that's happened and might happened, I smile as I call back, "I can see that, Asuka. I just thought you should know…Shinji's awake."
—————————————————————— ——-
Misato is back…and has much to say to everyone's favorite idiot.
•1:45 AM
It's so hard to stay awake. The drone of medical equipment and distant, muffled voices out in the hallway combine into a symphony of white noise that makes me just want to melt into unconsciousness. That said, at this point, I could probably fall asleep to the sound of an artillery bombardment.
'Why'd Asuka have to go running off?' I think to myself grumpily.
She was the only thing keeping me from nodding off at this point...even with how anxious I am right now about everything. Though, if anything, the anxiety might be making me feel even more tired...if only so that I can escape from it for a short while.
And I feel myself giving in, and for a moment, I stop fighting back, when...
A subtle movement in the corner of my eye catches my attention. And upon turning to look directly at the disturbance, I feel every ounce of tiredness evaporate in a instant.
Shinji is slowly blinking his eyes, uttering a low moan as his face instinctively wrinkles in discomfort from the brightness of the overhead lighting.
I watch for a moment, too stunned with disbelieving relief to utter a word or even move.
With a sudden gasp, Shinji sits bolt upright, promptly clutching at his head in disorientation.
"W-what ha-...ugh..." the question shifts to a disoriented groan as he visibly struggles to get his bearings.
I know...I know that I should be more gentle and not startle him, but...after the last few hours, I just can't hide how relieved I am.
"Shinji!"
He immediately jerks his head towards me upon hearing me, but otherwise has no time to prepare himself for the hug I have him bound in.
'He's alive!'
Gods, I feel like singing right now!
I won't though. I've been told that, apparently, my singing is forbidden by the Geneva Convention.
"M-Misato?"
To my immense relief, his voice sounds the same as ever.
'He can still talk, and he even sounds like himself. Oh gods, he really is going to be okay!'
"The one and only!" I reply, sounding as giddy as I feel.
"A-are you...s-sure?"
Something in his voice sounds...off. I immediately pull back to look at him properly, and feel my heart sink as he pulls himself away from my grip, shrinking back against the headboard of the bed, looking up at me with fearful, uncertain eyes.
"Shinji? W-what is it? What's wrong?" I'm feeling scared all over again now.
'What could have happened to him?'
"H-how...how can I be sure that this is real?" He seems to be talking more to himself than to me. "H-how do I know that you're really Misato and not...and not th-the..."
Cold rushes throughout my body at what Shinji's words are implying.
'The Angel somehow seized control of Unit 00...so it's not exactly a stretch to assume that it may have also mentally assaulted Shinji.'
"Shinji, look at me," I order as gently as I can while still being firm, "look me in the eye."
Deciding that perhaps towering over him isn't helping, I lower myself on one knee beside the bed to get down to his eye level.
"I promise you that I'm not some trick or illusion."
I put my hand on his and my stomach twists when I feel how much he's shaking, "Its really me, I promise."
I feel him gasp a little at the contact, but to my relief, he doesn't pull away. After a moment, he places his other hand over mine, clasping tightly, as though trying to be sure it's really there.
"I-I'm really back?" He seems to be calming down, but he still sounds unsure.
"Yes Shinji," I reply, trying not to tear up, "you really are. The Angel is dead, and you're safe."
"But...how? The last thing I remember was..."
He trails off as his eyes begin to widen and unfocus, clearly staring at some unseen horror.
"R-Rei..." he croaks out, pulling his hands away from mine and clutches at his face. "I-it...th-the Angel...it k-killed her. I...I-I couldn't..."
His breath begins to hitch. "I f-failed, and n-now she's...she's..."
His voice collapses as he begins to cry in earnest.
"Shinji," I speak softly as I put a consoling hand on his shoulder. "You didn't fail. You got her out. She's alive. You saved her."
He looks up at me, tears staining his cheeks, but with a reluctant hope in his eyes.
"B-But I-I saw..."
He wants to believe me, but I can tell there's something he must have seen...something the Angel must have done to make him think that Rei was dead.
I shake my head with a reassuring smile. "Whatever the Angel made you see was a lie. Ritsuko told me that Rei is injured, but that she should make a full recovery."
But even as I say these words, I feel doubt rippling darkly in the back of my mind.
'Ritsuko...I knew she'd changed. But I didn't realize just how much until last night. Still, she wouldn't lie about Rei being alive...would she?'
Thankfully, my growing misgivings don't seem to have shown on my face, as Shinji stops crying and seems to calm down for a moment.
"Are you...sure?"
Forcing down any doubts about my former friend's honesty, I reply, "Yes, I'm sure. Asuka also confir-"
My words are cut off as Shinji utters a horrified gasp upon hearing the name of his fellow pilot, once again clutching at his head in distress.
"Oh god! She's gonna kill me! Unless...". His face suddenly turns white as a sheet. "Is she...she's not...I-I didn't-"
"No," I shake my head with a small smile, "she's fine. No injuries at all."
"Oh." Shinji seems to calm down again as he turns away and flops back down onto the bed, looking immensely relieved.
"That's...that's good. I...I didn't want her to get hurt. I-I...I just..." His expression becomes anxious again, guilt mingling with fear. "I didn't know what else t-to do." He starts to curl himself into a ball. "Oh gods..."
"Relax Shinji, she's not mad about it."
Shinji blinks a few times in bemusement, then slowly turns to regard me with an almost comically disbelieving expression.
"I'm serious," I reply with a light chuckle. "Really, she's...well..." I trail off, my humor beginning to fade as the reality of what's happened and will happen starts to set back in.
"At the very least," I continue, fixing Shinji with a stern glare, "she's not half as angry with you as I am."
He shrinks away from me in fear, though he at least has the grace to look ashamed of himself. "I-I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" I throw the word back at him, now understanding more than ever, Asuka's irritation with this habit of his. "Sorry for what?"
I begin to raise my voice as my anger rises in tandem. "For publicly flouting my authority? For damaging another Evangelion? For almost getting yourself killed AGAIN?!"
"I...I'm..." the boy tries to bleat out.
"Don't you say it!" I growl over his feeble attempt to 'apologize'. "Don't you dare even think about saying what I know you're about to say!"
Shinji closes his mouth and turns away, his lip trembling slightly.
Seeing this makes my fury dissipate as quickly as it rose.
'Dammit! I can never just lay into him and let him have it without feeling like shit, can I?'
I can never shake the memory of that moment I saw his bed empty...or the feeling of being airless and hollow inside when I realized he ran away because I...
'...no. I was right to be angry then. And I'm right to be angry now. But, I also know that yelling won't do any good. At least not right now.'
I take a deep breath, feeling calm rationality override, though not fully expel, my frustration.
"You know what you did was stupid and reckless, don't you?"
Shinji, still facing away from me, gives a small, tremulous nod of his head.
"Look at me." My voice is stern, but calm. "Turn around, and look at me."
It takes Shinji a long moment to turn back to me, but when he does...he seems to have mentally steeled himself.
"I-I know it was stupid, b-but-"
"'But' nothing," I cut across. "I don't want to hear any 'buts'. You put yourself and others in an unacceptable amount of danger AND committed an act of public insubordination!"
"You didn't care this much about putting Asuka at 'unacceptable risk' when we fought the Eigth! Why should I be any different?"
A ringing silence follows his outburst as I attempt to keep my reflexive anger from flaring up again.
'How dare he?! Doesn't he understand that it's BECAUSE of that incident that I'm so upset about this? That was because HE called me out on what I-...'
But then it occurs to me...I never really had the time that day to properly respond to his grievances before having him rushed off to the on-site medical station. And afterwards, when I did have time...
'...I was honestly too ashamed of myself to acknowledge it again until Asuka brought it up a few hours ago.'
I heave a deep sigh, but refuse to let myself look away as I answer, "Shinji, I...I made a terrible mistake that day. We won, but...it could have been done in a way that was far less hazardous if I had been thinking more clearly. And the thought of how close I came to recklessly sacrificing Asuka has haunted me ever since then."
I reach out to gently lay a hand on his arm. "I NEVER want to let that happen again. Victory isn't worth losing any of you."
Shinji, for his part, looks utterly stunned. Clearly, he was expecting to be yelled at again, but my response caught him off guard.
"I know I didn't say anything then...but your words DID get through to me that day. I'm just sorry that it took until just now for me to admit it."
Shinji appears to relax again, though still too caught off guard to say anything.
'That's good, because there's still something I need to make clear.'
"But..."
At the return of my stern tone of voice, he visibly tenses.
"...it is precisely because I understand what I did wrong before that makes me so upset with what you just did. I...Shinji, I almost lost you today."
A very light blush seems to brighten Shinji's ashen complexion for just a moment, before his expression turns fretful. "But...Misato, you...you almost lost Rei today too. I-If I h-hadn't gone after her, how would we have..."
He breaks off, clearly too distressed at even imagining what might have happened if he'd failed to save her. So, he chooses a different angle. "A-And, it seems l-like the only way to defeat the Angel was to...um...a-attack it f-from the i-inside anyway. S-So wouldn't one of us have needed to do what I did a-anyway?"
He has the grace to look thoroughly shocked at his own audacity to have said what he did out loud, and grimaces in expectation of another tongue lashing...one that isn't immediately forthcoming.
"You're right."
Once more, Shinji is completely thrown for a loop, and turns to look at me, bewildered.
"At least," I hold up my hand to indicate that by no means is he off the hook yet, "You're partially right. Ultimately, I'd have probably needed to send one of you in after Rei. But what you did was still unacceptable."
"B-But you just said-"
"Let me finish!" I cut across Shinji's protests with a moderately raised voice. "Ultimately, I would've had to send in you or Asuka. But that doesn't mean it was okay for you to just jump the gun the way you did! Did you honestly have any real plan aside from letting the Angel swallow you? What if it had instantly killed you the moment you were completely swallowed?!"
I stand up, beginning to pace back and forth in my agitation. "And before you point out that the risk could've been the same if you'd waited for me to give you orders to do what you did, let me remind you that if you'd given me the time to give you the appropriate order, I'd have at least had the chance to better assess the potential risks, AND set up appropriate contingencies! Instead, you left me down TWO Evas, AND damaged the remaining one! And..."
'...no. He doesn't need to know about that yet. Not...not right now anyway.'
In my renewed anger, I nearly let slip what Ritsuko would have done. But knowing that he still has to face the council...possibly any minute now, if anyone on SEELE's payroll in this facility has realized that Shinji is awake and lucid, I just can't bring myself to tell him. While he's not exactly close with the 'good' doctor, he seems to hold her in high regard. Knowing that she'd have remorselessly sacrificed both himself and Rei would just be more baggage than he needs to carry right now.
"And," I continue, leveling my voice back down to stern disappointment as I move to a topic that definitely DOES need addressing, "There's still the matter of your EXTREMELY PUBLIC insubordination. You acted like a reckless brat who can't be bothered to follow orders, and who will carelessly risk everyone else's lives along with your own!"
"But I-"
"It doesn't matter!" I cut across him, "It doesn't matter what your intent was, Shinji! Yes, I know you acted with good intent and purely out of concern for a fellow pilot. I know that that the last thing you'd have wanted would be for anyone else to be hurt, especially because of your own actions. But other people, especially the kind of people that NERV answers to, only see a soldier who refuses to follow orders when they're given, and who is willing to put the other people involved in the operation at risk by ignoring the chain of command and acting on their own selfish impulses.
"Not to mention," I add, folding my arms in a gesture that I pray looks more severe than defensive, "It makes ME look bad. It looks, to an outsider, as if I have neither your confidence or respect."
That, more than anything, seems to have finally gotten through to Shinji, as all the fight and defiance seems to deflate from him.
"B-But I...I do-" he begins weakly.
"Do you?" I interrupt, "This isn't the first time you've openly disobeyed me. I can't even begin to tell you how lucky you are that you managed to kill the Fourth Angel before Unit 01 ran out of power!"
I can practically see the memories of that day playing back in his mind. Even so, I can see him opening his mouth to argue, but knowing perfectly well what he's about to counter with, I beat him to it.
"Before you say it," I say raising a hand to cut off his protest, "no, I haven't forgotten that when you rushed to save Asuka, when I saw you running towards the magma, I reflexively ordered you to stay put."
Shinji promptly closes his mouth.
"But," I continue, "considering, as I've already said, that my own decisions that day are a large part of why I'm so concerned about your actions today, I think it should be pretty clear to you that I'm glad you DID disobey me that time."
I pause to take a breath, before continuing, "But what I need you to understand is that there are several important differences between then and now. Firstly, when you moved to save Asuka, Sandalphon's Blue Pattern was negated and it was therefore confirmed neutralized. Your actions were still extremely reckless, but at least an active Angel was no longer part of the equation. Secondly, while like today, the operation certainly did not proceed as planned, all nearby civilian populations had either been evacuated from the area or into fully secure shelters."
I see the look of guilty comprehension in Shinji's eyes at the reminder that most of Tokyo 3 could only be evacuated to the provisional shelters…and the subsequent understanding that his reckless behavior may well have put the inadequately protected civilians in even greater peril.
"Finally, and I need you to really understand this one," I press on, not at all deterred by Shinji's visible consternation, "This battle, far more than any of the ones we've fought before, has and will be put under a microscope."
"A m-microscope?"
"Think, Shinji, think!" I snap back impatiently, "This Angel not only entered the city directly, it COMPLETELY bypassed the ENTIRE detection array. Sure we have a good idea of why it was able to do that now, but when it first appeared, right OVER the fucking city, without tripping a single alarm…"
I let that sink in for a moment before continuing, "You can bet your ass that everyone, EVERYONE who has clearance to know about the Angels, and a lot more who don't and shouldn't, had their full and undivided attention on this battle. And then, to make matters worse, my initial strategy failed and horribly backfired! And just when things couldn't get any worse, one of my Pilots decides to not only defy my orders, but completely ignore them! AND, on top of that, damaged another Evangelion, which, I might add, was to be the ONLY combat capable Evangelion LEFT after said Pilot decided that his own judgment was superior to that of his commander!"
Despite initially not wanting to give him the third degree just after waking up, and before facing whatever the Committee has in store for him, I can't help but let the resurgent anger wash over me when I realize just how much Shinji's thoughtless actions could cost us, and him in particular…however well-intentioned he might have been.
That said…
"I…" Shinji can barely even articulate that single letter, his voice strangled with distress. "M-Misato, I-I…"
"Understand something Shinji," I cut across his abortive attempts to speak, but more gently than before, "This isn't just a bad look for NERV and for me personally, because it looks to everyone else as though I have no control over my charges…this is a bad look for YOU in particular! You need to understand that while NERV has a considerable amount of immunity from the UN, and the Japanese government…that immunity isn't perfect. A LOT of people saw you openly defy me and put at risk an operation that could have decided the fate of humanity. And not all of those people are going to regard you as a noble person trying to save a fellow Pilot even against their superior's wishes. All some of them will see is a petulant child throwing a tantrum and refusing to follow orders. It won't matter to some of them that you actually ARE a child!"
The enormity of these implications seems to finally, truly dawn on the boy in front of me…and despite how angry I was, and how much I wanted and needed him to understand why this was wrong and can NEVER happen again, I feel absolutely no vindication or satisfaction at the way Shinji's eyes turn as dull and lightless as they were in the first photograph I'd even seen of him.
A few more long minutes pass before Shinji speaks up. "I…I really messed up this time, huh?"
His voice is steady now, though I can sense the anxiety beneath the calm resignation. "So, will I be discharged from NERV or…something more serious?"
I heave a deep sigh. "I'm…not sure yet. Despite everything I've just said, it's possible that nothing will happen."
He looks at me in utter disbelief. "But I-…you just said-…"
"Yeah, I know," I reply, "Frankly, your record against the Angels we've already fought really does make you practically untouchable. But…"
I loom over him, arms folded, face set into the sternest expression I can muster, "You should NOT take that as an invitation to continue being insubordinate! Just like when you fought against Shamshel, you won and came back alive this time due to being EXCEPTIONALLY lucky. But I shouldn't have to remind you that you CAN'T bank on luck to save you! If you keep this up, you'll eventually get yourself killed or severely injured! And let me tell you, if you hadn't killed this Angel, but survived the battle too badly injured to ever pilot again, then you might well have been tried and court-martialled! Because of your age, and prior record, they would most likely put you under extensive house arrest…but there's absolutely no guarantee that some wouldn't push for more severe or drastic punishment, despite that."
I can think of at least a few high-ranking officials in both the military and the government of this and other nations who have always regarded NERV with resentment and contempt, and might relish in the opportunity to knock us down a peg or three…even if their scapegoat was a terrified fourteen year old.
It's clear from the look of wide-eyed horror on Shinji's face that he never once considered any of these possibilities. "W-would they…would they really do that to me? To us?"
"It's a possible worst case scenario, yes," I reply bluntly. But softening my voice, I continue, "Of course, I would do whatever I could to protect you. Insubordinate or not, I really do care about you, kiddo. But…"
I let my expression turn solemn once more, "I need you to understand that there may be things that I CAN'T protect you from, and…if anything should ever happen to me…"
"Wh-What would happen to you?"
Kaji's revelations echo through my mind, alongside images of that…thing; that monstrosity nailed to a cross beneath our very feet...
"…b-because of me?" Shinji's quietly mortified question brings me back to reality.
The look on his face makes me wish I hadn't said that last bit. It's certainly possible that I could be demoted or discharged if he or the others fucked up badly enough on my watch…but at the risk of sounding conceited, I don't find that especially likely…at least not until I start becoming too troublesome to keep alive.
"It's…not likely. But I'd be lying if I said wasn't possible."
It's not untrue, but even so, it feels disgustingly manipulative to so readily exploit his obvious fear of landing me in hot water. But if it gets him to be more careful in a way that his negligible value for his own safety hasn't…
Heh. Guilt tripping is still guilt tripping. And it's what brought him here in the first place. Why stop or even bother denying it now?
Shinji is quiet for a moment, looking down at his hands, one of them clenching and unclenching fretfully. "If…if they try to blame you for what I did, I'll…" he still looks scared, but seems to steel himself as his restless hand finally tightens into a fist. "I'll make sure they know it was my fault. That you did everything you could to stop me."
It's not especially surprising to hear from Shinji, but it's still heartwarming to hear it said with such genuine sincerity and determination. But if anything, it makes me feel all the worse that this is pretty much the best time to tell him…
"I…appreciate the sentiment, but you won't really need to. I've already spoken to the UN Committee."
"Oh. That's good then, right?" The fact that Shinji looks relieved on my behalf, rather than immediately feeling suspicious of where this conversation could be headed, makes me feel even worse for what I've agreed to.
'Even if I had to…even if they forced me by threatening to have him face a court martial…or at least implying that they would, I'm never going to be okay with the decision to let him be anywhere near those creepy old fucks.'
"They…" the words stick in my throat, "they…want to speak to you as well."
"Oh…" it seems to be the only word he can muster as he attempts to process what I've just said.
Meanwhile, the relief and any remaining color, drain from his face as he silently looks down at his hands, one of them fretfully clenching and unclenching.
A part of me wants to apologize…
'…but what good would that do? No matter what I say, he'll have to face them.'
Of course, knowing how true this is doesn't make me feel any better about it. Nor does knowing that apologizing now will only serve to make Shinji even more anxious than he must be already.
Even so, seeing him so pale, I have to say something, anything…
"Shinji," I say gently, laying a hand on his shoulder, "It's…it's going to be okay. You just need to answer any questions they have for you. You can do that, can't you?"
He looks back at me with eyes full of uncertainty…but my tone seems to ease him a bit, and he nods. "Y-yeah. I'll…I'll do whatever I have to."
I pat him on the back with a smile, hoping that he can't see my own doubts and trepidation.
"When will I need to go?" he asks.
"Well…"
Naturally, the truthful answer to that is something I'd rather not say. So I opt for a half truth. "Whenever you feel ready."
Thinking back to my earlier conversation with Asuka, I can't help but feel that the old bastards really do owe him at least that much.
Shinji nods again. "Will…I-I mean…can you go with me?"
I smile sadly, "I'm…not allowed to accompany you inside the conference room where you'll be meeting them, but I'll certainly escort you there, if that helps."
With a wan, but determined smile, Shinji nods his head in agreement once more. "Then…I should go now. And get it over with." He pauses a moment, "If you're okay with walking me there now."
Part of me is relieved that Shinji doesn't want to delay, and indeed seems eager to get it over with…but still I can't help but feel a bit of trepidation. "You're sure you're ready?"
"Yeah."
"Positive?"
"Yeah."
"Alright," I say, heaving a gentle sigh, whether of relief or deeper apprehension, I don't know. "I'll make the call and let them know. But before that…"
I stand up, and start walking to the door.
"Wait, where are you going?" he asks, looking puzzled.
"Just to let a certain someone know you're finally awake," I reply with a knowing smile.
"What? Who?"
I consider, for a moment, how entertaining it would be to keep it a secret, then see his shocked expression when Asuka walks back into the room. But, all things considered…
"Asuka sat here with me at your bedside from the moment you were admitted. She only left to use the bathroom a few minutes before you woke up."
Shinji blinks a few times, utter disbelief etched into every line of his face. "S-She, what?! I-I…I…"
He trails off, clearly unsure of what to think or how he should feel, but his eyes, so often shifty and downcast, are positively boring into mine with an intensity that I've rarely seen from the boy. It's obvious that Shinji finds what I've said to be supremely unbelievable, and yet…I can tell that he knows that I would absolutely never lie to him about such a thing after everything that's happened the past few days. Even so, he hunts for any hint of a lie in my expression, likely while trying to determine whether or not he somehow misheard me.
"I know, it seems unbelievable. But no, you haven't misheard me. And I swear, on the grave of my father, that I'm not lying to you. She really did. And she was worried sick about you."
At that last part, I can see his expression turn much more genuinely skeptical. And to be fair, I don't begrudge him that disbelief in the slightest. Honestly, I wouldn't have believed either if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Even so, it's a disheartening sight.
'But of course, actions speak louder than words.'
Not to mention, telling him Asuka physically sat next to me is one thing. Telling him that she acted in a manner she's never EVER showed him she was even CAPABLE of acting in towards him? That's a whole new ballgame…and for better or worse, that ball is now very much in Asuka's court. Or at least, it will be…hopefully. For right now, it's actually in Shinji's.
"So, I suppose the question for right now is this," I press on, "Are you okay with seeing her right now?"
It's only once I've posited the question that I realize just HOW MUCH I've been dreading asking it. Because, logically, Shinji has every reason to not want to. And what's more, Shinji's way has ALWAYS, for as long as I've known him, been to avoid conflict, especially if the choice is up to him. Not that he hasn't surprised me and everyone else from time to time, but still…
For a moment Shinji's face seems to blanche in instinctive fear at the thought of seeing her, and I feel my heart begin to sink in response. But after a moment, his expression eases back into sheepish skepticism. "Are you sure that she wants to see ME?"
I try not to visibly show my discomfort at how tricky a question that is to answer. The truth is that I have no idea how Asuka will handle this. She's at least admitted that she cares about Shinji and deeply regrets how she acted before, and, to my own profound surprise, doesn't seem to hold his own actions and words during the battle against him…but that doesn't translate to her being instantly able to handle talking to him. But still…
"I think she'd at least like to know that you're awake and in good health," I reply, opting for an answer I know I can give honestly. "So, I'm going to go over and tell her now. But…it's ultimately up to you to decide whether you want to talk things out with her now, or if you'd rather hold off on it until you're ready. And it's okay if you aren't. For all we know, she might not be either. I'll make sure to keep you separated if that's what you both feel is necessary."
Shinji turns away, eyes staring down at the bedsheets. He's silent for a long moment, before finally answering, "I-I'll…l-leave up to her."
"So…you're okay seeing her face to face?" I ask, strongly hoping that Shinji isn't only agreeing to this because he thinks it's what I want.
He smiles weakly. "I think I…I-I at least owe her an apology."
If the situation hadn't been so serious, I might have cracked a joke about how she tends to react to his apologies. "Alright," I reply with a nod, "I'll go and ask her the same question then. If you feel up to it, you can start getting dressed. Your clothes are in there." I point to a small dresser.
Shinji nods, and climbs out of bed to retrieve his clothes as I exit the room and make my way down the hallway. Following the nearest restroom sign, I round a corner, and find a pair of unisex bathrooms. The door of the one on the left reads 'occupied'.
'Well, here goes nothing.'
I knock, and to my relief, I hear a peeved and very familiar voice on the other side respond, "Can you read? It's occupied."
In spite of everything that's happened and might happened, I smile as I call back, "I can see that, Asuka. I just thought you should know…Shinji's awake."
—————————————————————— ——-
Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
Go get 'em Tiger!
Lots of things put out that needed to be said, and much more to come.
Asuka is going to look like a scared cat trying to talk to Shinji. Not sure which she'll be afraid of more, Shinji or herself. At least she's determined to keep moving forward. That should be cute.
Lots of things put out that needed to be said, and much more to come.
Asuka is going to look like a scared cat trying to talk to Shinji. Not sure which she'll be afraid of more, Shinji or herself. At least she's determined to keep moving forward. That should be cute.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Yikes... Like Shinji needed even more issues...
Cue Asuka flying out of the door like she was shot from a cannon in 3, 2, 1...
Great to see this back in action, RD!
To quote the great prophet Teal'c "Indeed"