Veering Left (NGE Fanfic)
- Thread starter RedDestroyer1361
- Start date
LD1449
To the last; Kill them all
- Location
- The other side of the labyrinth.
Found this fic recently, enjoyed it for the most part, though now its got me curious if there are any fics that follow the same vein of Asuka stepping over the line with Shinji.
To be specific, good fics that follow the same vein. That means no bashing and no using it as a plot device to turn Shinji into an adolecent's definition of a "badass" that acts completely OOC.
To be specific, good fics that follow the same vein. That means no bashing and no using it as a plot device to turn Shinji into an adolecent's definition of a "badass" that acts completely OOC.
- Location
- Australia, mate
Scar Tissue literally starts with Shinji in the hospital. Asuka put him there. Again.
They get better. It's a long journey to that point, but they do get better.
Chapter 8.18 10/18/2015 (9:19 PM)
- Location
- United States
Hey folks! I know its been a little while, but I finally managed to hammer out the next (and last) installment of Chapter 8.
Sadly, I don't have anything written beyond this point...so, I'll be going on hiatus again for a bit. Hopefully not too long though
And now, without further ado, we shall bring Chapter 8 to a close through the eyes of our red-headed antiheroine.
"Trapped in purgatory
A lifeless object, alive
Awaiting reprisal
Death will be their acquittance
The sky is turning red
Return to power draws near
Fall into me, the sky's crimson tears
Abolish the rules made of stone"
-"Raining Blood" by Slayer
•9:19 PM
I snap myself upright as the ground begins to tremble.
"Was zum T-...?" The rest of the question is drowned out by the deafening sound of rending matter.
The guard's face turns pale with dread as he moves to poke his head outside the tent.
He looks at what's happening for barely a second before turning back to me. "Sohryu! Get over here!"
Having already risen to my feet and knowing full well why I've been called over, I quickly walk to the entrance to join the guard, and turn around to present him the wrists cuffed behind my back.
His hands are shaking, but he seems to insert the key into the lock fairly quickly.
"I'm sorry about what happened back there," the guard is saying a little sheepishly as the key fumbles for a moment, then releases the restraints with a click. "I had no idea Akagi was g-"
"Save it and fuck off!" I cut him off curtly, only pausing a moment to rub my wrists, wondering idly if there'll be bruising there later from how tightly the cuffs were fastened. "Out of the way!"
Thankfully, despite looking slightly wounded by my response, the man quickly stands aside. But as I run past him, I hear him whisper, "Good luck!"
When I hear that, and remember that it's same guard that rebuked Edano for getting rough with me, I actually do feel a pang of guilt for my caustic reply...but only for a moment.
'I shouldn't feel too bad about it...that oaf pointed a fucking gun at me after all! AND because HE slowed me down, I got captured!'
Despite that last bitter thought, I can't help but consider the possibility that the guard in question was just doing his job, and tried to do it in a way that would prevent me from actually being hurt.
"Fat lot of good that did anyone," I mutter impatiently, feeling slightly annoyed at my uncharacteristic second guessing as I pelt full speed towards the lift once more.
When I arrive, I see only one NERV guard, too busy staring at the sky with a stricken, deathly pale face to notice that I've breezed right past him to the lift.
'I sure am lucky the detainment unit was so close by,' I think to myself as I slide the card and the platform begins to rise towards my Entry Plug. 'And so are the rest of these idiots for that matter!' I add on irritably, as I turn around to look at the Angel. 'If I'd been any further away, who knows what might've-'
My train of thought completely evaporates as I attempt to comprehend the sight my eyes are beholding.
I had skillfully avoided looking at the source of the sudden upheaval that allowed me to go free, knowing that doing so for even a moment would cost me precious time...and I was rewarded by making it here to this point in just about twenty seconds. But now that I see what's happening, I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be too late anyway.
The 'sea of shadow' beneath the floating orb is rippling like raging waters in a storm and the surface, even as I watch, is violently rupturing apart into huge, red-lined cracks.
'Blood...' I think to myself, 'It looks like it's full of blood!'
Above the roiling chaos, the awful sphere, now turned from zebra-patterned to solid black, is itself beginning to bulge grotesquely. Then, right before the platform reaches the Entry Plug door, the writhing salient pushing against the sphere's surface suddenly, and with an enormous geyser of blood erupting forth, splits open vertically in a shape suspiciously reminiscent of...
'Are the Angels actually capable of being that perverted...or is it all just weird coincidence that some of them are Freudian horrors?'
Normally, such a question of myself would be mildly amusing...but after seeing what this Angel is capable of, and with the unsettling possibility that it might be far more intelligent than the lumbering kaijus that preceded it...perhaps it's not so far fetched to think that it could be capable of perverse behavior. Still...
'What could the actual purpose of this disgusting transformation be? Could it be 'giving birth' to a newer and stronger form of ITSELF?!'
Between the ragged lips of the widening fissure, beneath a curtain of scarlet blood, something immense is being pushed outward; something metallic...and a familiar sky blue in color.
"Unit 00..." I breathe out in a disbelieving whisper, the very moment the lift comes to a halt at its destination.
The temptation to stand there watching the grisly spectacle is momentary, but it's there, and it takes a conscious effort to tear my eyes from the sight and turn around to clamber into the Entry Plug.
As the elliptical cylinder gyrates into position and fills with LCL, I can't help but marvel a bit at the strangeness of what I'm feeling at this very moment.
'Sure, I never really wanted to see Wondergirl get killed, much less eaten alive...'
The orange fluid begins to flash in the plethora of colors I've become so accustomed to over all these years.
'...but I never imagined that I'd actually be happy to see her alive! And if she's alive, then maybe...'
The opaque swirl of lights and patterns melts away at last to reveal the world outside of Unit 02...and see the second figure that is emerging from within the Angel's widening cleft, trying its hardest to free them both by pushing Unit 00 ahead of it as if the Eva were an oddly shaped plow.
I don't honestly know how I expected to react if I actually saw him again...but I guess I was expecting my relief to be...louder and more external somehow. But now that it's actually happening, I find myself utterly speechless. What I'm feeling, though...I don't know that my voice could express it properly, no matter how hard I try. Except that...
"...Baka..."
'I feel...warm.'
Every part of me that has felt hollow and dead since I watched him disappear feels like... it feels...I feel...the same way I did when he....
'...when he held me that night.'
For that one tiny moment before I ruined everything...
'...it felt like, just for a moment, that everything was going to be alr-'
The blue Evangelion suddenly emits a deafening roar and launches a vicious knee-strike into its rescuer's torso.
'...what the-'
It takes a moment for the reality of what I'm witnessing to dispel the haze of emotions.
'Unit 00 is...but WHY?!'
Even as I watch...before I can even begin to formulate, let alone act out any possible rescue attempt, Unit 01 is struck again with a knee to the abdomen and is pushed backwards, forced to unwillingly relinquish its hold upon its hostile sibling.
'He...he risked his life to save you, dammit!'
Now freed from the purple titan's grip, Unit 00 begins to attack with its fists. The haphazard blows are clumsy and inefficient...but terrifying in their unrelenting savagery.
I instinctively urge Unit 02 forward at full speed as waves of searing, white-hot rage, so intense that it makes me feel nauseous, surge through my every nerve as I squeeze the comm channel button with enough force to feel the plastic trigger crack beneath my fingers. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, AYANAMI?!"
But the First Child's end of the comm channel answers with nothing but the drone of white noise, the screen displaying only the crackling snow of static.
"Damn you, First!" I cry out in frustration. "Answer me!"
But even as I say this, my eyes finally notice it...
'What...the fuck...is THAT?!'
A thick, pulsating rope of flesh protrudes from the belly of the blue Evangelion and extends into the darkness within the Angel's ruptured body.
"Is that-...?" I begin to say to myself, before Akagi's voice interrupts.
"Asuka! Unit 00 is most likely being controlled by the Angel via that umbilical-like connection!"
As I sprint forward, I can see Unit 01 counterattacking, and regaining the advantage with several well placed strikes to its adversary's face.
"We have to sever that connection! Stop in 320 meters, then turn left and go 115 meters to the north! We're going to send you a pistol via a weapon si..."
I don't know if Akagi has stopped talking or not...but it hardly matters.
'Oh Gott...'
I see it out of the corner of my eye...the purple Evangelion suddenly slumping lifelessly forward, draping itself over the hostile blue titan like the falling of a final curtain.
'The battery...'
"Shinji...no..."
With an awful snarl that rises near instantly in pitch and volume to a maddened scream, Unit 00 seizes the helpless Unit 01 by the throat with both hands and begins to squeeze with all its might.
My entire body goes numb as I watch the blue titan first begin to strangle its prone sibling, then use its AT Field to push both itself and its victim upright. Forced back to a standing position, Unit 01 instantly crumples, kneeling docile and motionless before the crazed Prototype Evangelion looming overhead. With the leverage of its grip now vastly improved, Unit 00 tightens its grip even more, the savage pressure now beginning to tilt its victim's horned head backward at a sickening angle, the sound of twisting, compressing metal now clearly audible even at this distance.
Transfixed with horror, I ignore the turn I was supposed to make and simply continue to hurtle towards the grotesque, airborne spectacle. But my blind dash is violently interrupted when Unit 02 clips the side of a building I failed to sidestep or brace myself against. The impact throws off my balance, and further hindered by the listless and painful swaying of my now useless left hand, I find myself suddenly struggling not to tumble to the ground.
'That's just what I need,' I rage bitterly inside my head, 'To not only fail at every stage of this battle, but to utterly fucking humiliate myself while that monster kills Shinji right before my eyes!'
But miraculously, I manage to win the battle against gravity and remain standing. It is then that I become aware of a frantic, almost enraged voice screaming at me over the comm channel.
"-suka! Asuka, what are you doing?! Get to the weapons silo, NOW!"
I almost swear back at Akagi as a reflex...before it occurs to me that she's absolutely right. Without a weapon, there's not a damn thing I can do to help.
I take one last look at the battle turned attempted murder...and notice how the flesh of the Angel seems to be simultaneously repairing itself and cloistering around Unit 01 and Unit 00, drawing both the limp body and its assailant back into the folds of the womb-like opening.
'If I don't turn away now...'
But what does it matter? I'm too late. I've already failed. As soon as I turn away, it'll all be over...and he'll be dead.
Really, you're going to give up now?! You're going to give up and let this Angel beat you? I don't think so!
...
No. If even she is willing to see this through...
'...then there's no way I'm letting myself give up now!'
"Hang in there Shinji," I say quietly, looking over my shoulder one last time before running towards the weapon silo Akagi indicated, "I promise I'll save you..."
'...if it's the last thing I do!'
Within seconds, I'm more than halfway to my destination and begin to slow down...and that's when I feel it...a sudden, titanic surge of power from behind.
"What the-?"
'DONT TURN AROUND!' I reach the silo and retrieve the Eva-scale pistol. 'Um Gottes willen, stay on target!'
As I move to turn around, the air begins to vibrate with a deafening roar.
'That's not Unit 00...'
I begin to run back towards the Angel, now properly armed with a weapon I can wield one-handed. And as I draw nearer, I see the source of the disturbance.
'Unit 01 reactivated?! But how?!'
But my confusion is eclipsed entirely by relief, and a renewed sense of hope.
The purple Evangelion rapidly rises to its feet, grabbing the forearms of the hands still trying to snap its neck. Once more, the air fills with sound of creaking metal, before...
CRACK!
The sickening crunch of gigantic bones splintering like firewood cuts through the general din like gunfire. Unit 00 releases its sibling, both hands dangling uselessly from forearms crushed to a fraction of their original width.
Shrieking with a mixture of pain and fury, the blue titan attempts to bash its adversary with its skull, only to be almost casually swatted aside by a vicious backhand from Unit 01.
Staggering from the blow, Unit 00 is unable to block or even react to the colossal purple fist that seizes it by the throat.
Time seems to freeze for a moment as the purple titan holds the struggling Unit 00 aloft in the grip of its right fist.
Then, with a bone trembling roar of rage, eyes radiating a pallid, baleful light, Unit 01 projects its AT Field in a violent, surging wave.
The Angel flesh that had begun to fuse with its armor evaporates, freeing both Evas and destroying nearly half of the Angel's remaining mass...including the area holding both Units aloft.
Both Units promptly begin to hurtle to the ground, Unit 01 still grasping the other by the throat, propelled even faster by the residual force of Unit 01's AT Field surge, and crash through an apartment building with enough force to turn the entire structure to dust into the blink of an eye.
'How the hell did he-...?'
Not that I'm complaining, but still...
'Something isn't right here...'
The cloud of dust clears as I use my AT Field to sweep it aside...and there I see Unit 00, still with its throat firmly clasped within Unit 01's fist, lying flat on its back in a deep crater, partially submerged in a pool of the blood still raining down from the Angel's ruptured body.
With a vicious snarl, Unit 01 draws back its free left arm, and begins to violently strike the downed Unit 00 in the face, hard enough that the blue Evangelion's cyclopean visage begins to sink further into the ground.
'What the-...?!'
That's not like him...Shinji would NEVER-
Unit 00's thrashing begins to fade into a feeble stirring...but I also notice that the 'umbilical cord' seems to be pulsing faster and with more visible throbbing than before.
'Trying to play possum, huh?'
Without further hesitation, I pull the Progressive Knife from my right shoulder pylon and dive down into the crater, landing intentionally on Unit 00's legs, pinning them down by kneeling diagonally across its thighs.
As I was expecting, with its feinting maneuver revealed, the blue Eva simply begins to struggle once more...but now, with two Evas pinning it down, and all four of its limbs heavily damaged, it can do little more than squirm pitifully.
'Even so, if the Angel is able to force the rest of itself into Unit 00 and use it as a new vessel, it might be able to heal itself...I have to finish this now. No more mistakes, no more wasting time...'
I draw the knife back and...with a slash as near to Unit 00's abdomen as I can strike without risking hitting the Evangelion itself, I slice through the tube of flesh, cleaving it cleanly in two.
The moment the 'umbilical cord' falls away, it rapidly breaks down and melts into the same blood-like fluid now filling the crater high enough to nearly submerge Unit 00. I turn my gaze skyward for a moment...just in time to see the last of the Angel dissipating into 'blood' and nothingness.
Something moves weirdly in my peripheral vision to the left, and I turn my head in alarm to face the potential threat.
But what I saw was only Unit 00 raising its shattered, useless right arm in what would have been a skyward reach...if the hand and lower half of the forearm weren't dangling nauseatingly to the side.
'Its...over. We've won.'
I turn to look at Unit 01...and feel a fearful shiver crawl up my spine. The purple titan is staring directly at me...not at Unit 02, at ME! I can feel it, and what's more...I can feel something else too.
'That isn't Shinji...'
He might still be in the Evangelion...
'...but the THING staring at me...those aren't his eyes.'
But it's not attacking me either, so I turn my attention back to Unit 00. By now though, the fallen Evangelion is too feeble to even struggle anymore...the raising of its ruined arm seeming to devour the last of its strength.
And then a sound fills the air, issuing from the blue titan's unseen mouth; and unlike before, it is not the maddened snarling or bloodcurdling screech of a berserker, but a pained, drawn out moan...almost as if the beast were crying out in despair.
'It almost...sounds like it's sobbing.'
The sound is so anguished and pitiful that I nearly stand up to remove the pressure from its broken legs...but by the time I've decided that it's safe to stand up, the raised right arm has fallen limply back into the lake of Angel 'blood' with a heavy splashing sound, and the Evangelion has gone completely silent...the red optical lense turning dark and lifeless.
'...lifeless...oh Gott, Wondergirl!'
I never thought I'd feel such concern for the strange, doll-like albino...but after everything that's happened today, and how much Shinji went through to save her...how could I NOT care a little.
I open the comm channel to Unit 01...and just like with Unit 00, the audio and visual are choked with static.
Even so though...
"Shinji?" I call out into the void of white noise. "I...don't know if you can hear me or not...but I need your help to get Unit 00 out of this crater, so that the rescue team can get to Rei. Can you do that?"
There is no reply, except...an infinitesimal, almost imperceptible little fluctuation of both the audible and visible static. For some reason, it almost feels like...a tiny nod of acknowledgement.
A moment later, Unit 01 bends down above Unit 00's head, and grips it firmly under the shoulders. I hurriedly rise to my feet and grab Unit 00 by the legs. Together, we carry the broken titan out of the crater and back to solid ground, the body swinging disconsolately from side to side with the motion.
It seems to take an age, but it probably takes less than fifteen seconds to place Unit 00 down on flat ground and turn it over onto its belly.
The moment we've done so, Unit 01 collapses face-first to the ground, as lifeless as the other...and within a few more seconds, both Entry Plugs are ejected remotely and the rescue teams are swarming around both.
Without bothering to ask permission, I immediately do the same and climb my way out of the Entry Plug down to the street as fast as I can without falling to my death.
Upon reaching the ground, I notice Dr. Akagi leading a small team of medical technicians pushing a gurney bearing a motionless, blue-haired figure, whose entire upper body is covered in-...
'Blood?! WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THAT BLOOD COME FROM?!'
Just what the fuck did the Angel do to her?!
'Is she even...could she be...'
But I see the way the technicians are rushing while still treading carefully...and feel a wave of relief.
'So at least it wasn't all for nothing that he-'
The thought hits me in the stomach like a lead weight being swung on a rope.
"Shinji!" I cry out as I run towards the other fallen Eva, no longer giving a damn if anyone hears or sees me act this way.
"Asuka!"
I see Misato running towards me, arms outstretched, tears streaming down her face. Before I can protest, she seizes me in a tight embrace.
"Shinji," I ask without preamble, "Is he-...?"
"He's alive!" Misato's voice is choked with tears, but she sounds positively overjoyed. "He's going to be okay!"
I find myself unable to say anything in response...but I can't help but allow myself to smile peacefully over Misato's shoulder.
'Welcome back...Baka.'
-------------------------------------
Sadly, I don't have anything written beyond this point...so, I'll be going on hiatus again for a bit. Hopefully not too long though
And now, without further ado, we shall bring Chapter 8 to a close through the eyes of our red-headed antiheroine.
"Trapped in purgatory
A lifeless object, alive
Awaiting reprisal
Death will be their acquittance
The sky is turning red
Return to power draws near
Fall into me, the sky's crimson tears
Abolish the rules made of stone"
-"Raining Blood" by Slayer
•9:19 PM
I snap myself upright as the ground begins to tremble.
"Was zum T-...?" The rest of the question is drowned out by the deafening sound of rending matter.
The guard's face turns pale with dread as he moves to poke his head outside the tent.
He looks at what's happening for barely a second before turning back to me. "Sohryu! Get over here!"
Having already risen to my feet and knowing full well why I've been called over, I quickly walk to the entrance to join the guard, and turn around to present him the wrists cuffed behind my back.
His hands are shaking, but he seems to insert the key into the lock fairly quickly.
"I'm sorry about what happened back there," the guard is saying a little sheepishly as the key fumbles for a moment, then releases the restraints with a click. "I had no idea Akagi was g-"
"Save it and fuck off!" I cut him off curtly, only pausing a moment to rub my wrists, wondering idly if there'll be bruising there later from how tightly the cuffs were fastened. "Out of the way!"
Thankfully, despite looking slightly wounded by my response, the man quickly stands aside. But as I run past him, I hear him whisper, "Good luck!"
When I hear that, and remember that it's same guard that rebuked Edano for getting rough with me, I actually do feel a pang of guilt for my caustic reply...but only for a moment.
'I shouldn't feel too bad about it...that oaf pointed a fucking gun at me after all! AND because HE slowed me down, I got captured!'
Despite that last bitter thought, I can't help but consider the possibility that the guard in question was just doing his job, and tried to do it in a way that would prevent me from actually being hurt.
"Fat lot of good that did anyone," I mutter impatiently, feeling slightly annoyed at my uncharacteristic second guessing as I pelt full speed towards the lift once more.
When I arrive, I see only one NERV guard, too busy staring at the sky with a stricken, deathly pale face to notice that I've breezed right past him to the lift.
'I sure am lucky the detainment unit was so close by,' I think to myself as I slide the card and the platform begins to rise towards my Entry Plug. 'And so are the rest of these idiots for that matter!' I add on irritably, as I turn around to look at the Angel. 'If I'd been any further away, who knows what might've-'
My train of thought completely evaporates as I attempt to comprehend the sight my eyes are beholding.
I had skillfully avoided looking at the source of the sudden upheaval that allowed me to go free, knowing that doing so for even a moment would cost me precious time...and I was rewarded by making it here to this point in just about twenty seconds. But now that I see what's happening, I can't help but wonder if I'm going to be too late anyway.
The 'sea of shadow' beneath the floating orb is rippling like raging waters in a storm and the surface, even as I watch, is violently rupturing apart into huge, red-lined cracks.
'Blood...' I think to myself, 'It looks like it's full of blood!'
Above the roiling chaos, the awful sphere, now turned from zebra-patterned to solid black, is itself beginning to bulge grotesquely. Then, right before the platform reaches the Entry Plug door, the writhing salient pushing against the sphere's surface suddenly, and with an enormous geyser of blood erupting forth, splits open vertically in a shape suspiciously reminiscent of...
'Are the Angels actually capable of being that perverted...or is it all just weird coincidence that some of them are Freudian horrors?'
Normally, such a question of myself would be mildly amusing...but after seeing what this Angel is capable of, and with the unsettling possibility that it might be far more intelligent than the lumbering kaijus that preceded it...perhaps it's not so far fetched to think that it could be capable of perverse behavior. Still...
'What could the actual purpose of this disgusting transformation be? Could it be 'giving birth' to a newer and stronger form of ITSELF?!'
Between the ragged lips of the widening fissure, beneath a curtain of scarlet blood, something immense is being pushed outward; something metallic...and a familiar sky blue in color.
"Unit 00..." I breathe out in a disbelieving whisper, the very moment the lift comes to a halt at its destination.
The temptation to stand there watching the grisly spectacle is momentary, but it's there, and it takes a conscious effort to tear my eyes from the sight and turn around to clamber into the Entry Plug.
As the elliptical cylinder gyrates into position and fills with LCL, I can't help but marvel a bit at the strangeness of what I'm feeling at this very moment.
'Sure, I never really wanted to see Wondergirl get killed, much less eaten alive...'
The orange fluid begins to flash in the plethora of colors I've become so accustomed to over all these years.
'...but I never imagined that I'd actually be happy to see her alive! And if she's alive, then maybe...'
The opaque swirl of lights and patterns melts away at last to reveal the world outside of Unit 02...and see the second figure that is emerging from within the Angel's widening cleft, trying its hardest to free them both by pushing Unit 00 ahead of it as if the Eva were an oddly shaped plow.
I don't honestly know how I expected to react if I actually saw him again...but I guess I was expecting my relief to be...louder and more external somehow. But now that it's actually happening, I find myself utterly speechless. What I'm feeling, though...I don't know that my voice could express it properly, no matter how hard I try. Except that...
"...Baka..."
'I feel...warm.'
Every part of me that has felt hollow and dead since I watched him disappear feels like... it feels...I feel...the same way I did when he....
'...when he held me that night.'
For that one tiny moment before I ruined everything...
'...it felt like, just for a moment, that everything was going to be alr-'
The blue Evangelion suddenly emits a deafening roar and launches a vicious knee-strike into its rescuer's torso.
'...what the-'
It takes a moment for the reality of what I'm witnessing to dispel the haze of emotions.
'Unit 00 is...but WHY?!'
Even as I watch...before I can even begin to formulate, let alone act out any possible rescue attempt, Unit 01 is struck again with a knee to the abdomen and is pushed backwards, forced to unwillingly relinquish its hold upon its hostile sibling.
'He...he risked his life to save you, dammit!'
Now freed from the purple titan's grip, Unit 00 begins to attack with its fists. The haphazard blows are clumsy and inefficient...but terrifying in their unrelenting savagery.
I instinctively urge Unit 02 forward at full speed as waves of searing, white-hot rage, so intense that it makes me feel nauseous, surge through my every nerve as I squeeze the comm channel button with enough force to feel the plastic trigger crack beneath my fingers. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, AYANAMI?!"
But the First Child's end of the comm channel answers with nothing but the drone of white noise, the screen displaying only the crackling snow of static.
"Damn you, First!" I cry out in frustration. "Answer me!"
But even as I say this, my eyes finally notice it...
'What...the fuck...is THAT?!'
A thick, pulsating rope of flesh protrudes from the belly of the blue Evangelion and extends into the darkness within the Angel's ruptured body.
"Is that-...?" I begin to say to myself, before Akagi's voice interrupts.
"Asuka! Unit 00 is most likely being controlled by the Angel via that umbilical-like connection!"
As I sprint forward, I can see Unit 01 counterattacking, and regaining the advantage with several well placed strikes to its adversary's face.
"We have to sever that connection! Stop in 320 meters, then turn left and go 115 meters to the north! We're going to send you a pistol via a weapon si..."
I don't know if Akagi has stopped talking or not...but it hardly matters.
'Oh Gott...'
I see it out of the corner of my eye...the purple Evangelion suddenly slumping lifelessly forward, draping itself over the hostile blue titan like the falling of a final curtain.
'The battery...'
"Shinji...no..."
With an awful snarl that rises near instantly in pitch and volume to a maddened scream, Unit 00 seizes the helpless Unit 01 by the throat with both hands and begins to squeeze with all its might.
My entire body goes numb as I watch the blue titan first begin to strangle its prone sibling, then use its AT Field to push both itself and its victim upright. Forced back to a standing position, Unit 01 instantly crumples, kneeling docile and motionless before the crazed Prototype Evangelion looming overhead. With the leverage of its grip now vastly improved, Unit 00 tightens its grip even more, the savage pressure now beginning to tilt its victim's horned head backward at a sickening angle, the sound of twisting, compressing metal now clearly audible even at this distance.
Transfixed with horror, I ignore the turn I was supposed to make and simply continue to hurtle towards the grotesque, airborne spectacle. But my blind dash is violently interrupted when Unit 02 clips the side of a building I failed to sidestep or brace myself against. The impact throws off my balance, and further hindered by the listless and painful swaying of my now useless left hand, I find myself suddenly struggling not to tumble to the ground.
'That's just what I need,' I rage bitterly inside my head, 'To not only fail at every stage of this battle, but to utterly fucking humiliate myself while that monster kills Shinji right before my eyes!'
But miraculously, I manage to win the battle against gravity and remain standing. It is then that I become aware of a frantic, almost enraged voice screaming at me over the comm channel.
"-suka! Asuka, what are you doing?! Get to the weapons silo, NOW!"
I almost swear back at Akagi as a reflex...before it occurs to me that she's absolutely right. Without a weapon, there's not a damn thing I can do to help.
I take one last look at the battle turned attempted murder...and notice how the flesh of the Angel seems to be simultaneously repairing itself and cloistering around Unit 01 and Unit 00, drawing both the limp body and its assailant back into the folds of the womb-like opening.
'If I don't turn away now...'
But what does it matter? I'm too late. I've already failed. As soon as I turn away, it'll all be over...and he'll be dead.
Really, you're going to give up now?! You're going to give up and let this Angel beat you? I don't think so!
...
No. If even she is willing to see this through...
'...then there's no way I'm letting myself give up now!'
"Hang in there Shinji," I say quietly, looking over my shoulder one last time before running towards the weapon silo Akagi indicated, "I promise I'll save you..."
'...if it's the last thing I do!'
Within seconds, I'm more than halfway to my destination and begin to slow down...and that's when I feel it...a sudden, titanic surge of power from behind.
"What the-?"
'DONT TURN AROUND!' I reach the silo and retrieve the Eva-scale pistol. 'Um Gottes willen, stay on target!'
As I move to turn around, the air begins to vibrate with a deafening roar.
'That's not Unit 00...'
I begin to run back towards the Angel, now properly armed with a weapon I can wield one-handed. And as I draw nearer, I see the source of the disturbance.
'Unit 01 reactivated?! But how?!'
But my confusion is eclipsed entirely by relief, and a renewed sense of hope.
The purple Evangelion rapidly rises to its feet, grabbing the forearms of the hands still trying to snap its neck. Once more, the air fills with sound of creaking metal, before...
CRACK!
The sickening crunch of gigantic bones splintering like firewood cuts through the general din like gunfire. Unit 00 releases its sibling, both hands dangling uselessly from forearms crushed to a fraction of their original width.
Shrieking with a mixture of pain and fury, the blue titan attempts to bash its adversary with its skull, only to be almost casually swatted aside by a vicious backhand from Unit 01.
Staggering from the blow, Unit 00 is unable to block or even react to the colossal purple fist that seizes it by the throat.
Time seems to freeze for a moment as the purple titan holds the struggling Unit 00 aloft in the grip of its right fist.
Then, with a bone trembling roar of rage, eyes radiating a pallid, baleful light, Unit 01 projects its AT Field in a violent, surging wave.
The Angel flesh that had begun to fuse with its armor evaporates, freeing both Evas and destroying nearly half of the Angel's remaining mass...including the area holding both Units aloft.
Both Units promptly begin to hurtle to the ground, Unit 01 still grasping the other by the throat, propelled even faster by the residual force of Unit 01's AT Field surge, and crash through an apartment building with enough force to turn the entire structure to dust into the blink of an eye.
'How the hell did he-...?'
Not that I'm complaining, but still...
'Something isn't right here...'
The cloud of dust clears as I use my AT Field to sweep it aside...and there I see Unit 00, still with its throat firmly clasped within Unit 01's fist, lying flat on its back in a deep crater, partially submerged in a pool of the blood still raining down from the Angel's ruptured body.
With a vicious snarl, Unit 01 draws back its free left arm, and begins to violently strike the downed Unit 00 in the face, hard enough that the blue Evangelion's cyclopean visage begins to sink further into the ground.
'What the-...?!'
That's not like him...Shinji would NEVER-
Unit 00's thrashing begins to fade into a feeble stirring...but I also notice that the 'umbilical cord' seems to be pulsing faster and with more visible throbbing than before.
'Trying to play possum, huh?'
Without further hesitation, I pull the Progressive Knife from my right shoulder pylon and dive down into the crater, landing intentionally on Unit 00's legs, pinning them down by kneeling diagonally across its thighs.
As I was expecting, with its feinting maneuver revealed, the blue Eva simply begins to struggle once more...but now, with two Evas pinning it down, and all four of its limbs heavily damaged, it can do little more than squirm pitifully.
'Even so, if the Angel is able to force the rest of itself into Unit 00 and use it as a new vessel, it might be able to heal itself...I have to finish this now. No more mistakes, no more wasting time...'
I draw the knife back and...with a slash as near to Unit 00's abdomen as I can strike without risking hitting the Evangelion itself, I slice through the tube of flesh, cleaving it cleanly in two.
The moment the 'umbilical cord' falls away, it rapidly breaks down and melts into the same blood-like fluid now filling the crater high enough to nearly submerge Unit 00. I turn my gaze skyward for a moment...just in time to see the last of the Angel dissipating into 'blood' and nothingness.
Something moves weirdly in my peripheral vision to the left, and I turn my head in alarm to face the potential threat.
But what I saw was only Unit 00 raising its shattered, useless right arm in what would have been a skyward reach...if the hand and lower half of the forearm weren't dangling nauseatingly to the side.
'Its...over. We've won.'
I turn to look at Unit 01...and feel a fearful shiver crawl up my spine. The purple titan is staring directly at me...not at Unit 02, at ME! I can feel it, and what's more...I can feel something else too.
'That isn't Shinji...'
He might still be in the Evangelion...
'...but the THING staring at me...those aren't his eyes.'
But it's not attacking me either, so I turn my attention back to Unit 00. By now though, the fallen Evangelion is too feeble to even struggle anymore...the raising of its ruined arm seeming to devour the last of its strength.
And then a sound fills the air, issuing from the blue titan's unseen mouth; and unlike before, it is not the maddened snarling or bloodcurdling screech of a berserker, but a pained, drawn out moan...almost as if the beast were crying out in despair.
'It almost...sounds like it's sobbing.'
The sound is so anguished and pitiful that I nearly stand up to remove the pressure from its broken legs...but by the time I've decided that it's safe to stand up, the raised right arm has fallen limply back into the lake of Angel 'blood' with a heavy splashing sound, and the Evangelion has gone completely silent...the red optical lense turning dark and lifeless.
'...lifeless...oh Gott, Wondergirl!'
I never thought I'd feel such concern for the strange, doll-like albino...but after everything that's happened today, and how much Shinji went through to save her...how could I NOT care a little.
I open the comm channel to Unit 01...and just like with Unit 00, the audio and visual are choked with static.
Even so though...
"Shinji?" I call out into the void of white noise. "I...don't know if you can hear me or not...but I need your help to get Unit 00 out of this crater, so that the rescue team can get to Rei. Can you do that?"
There is no reply, except...an infinitesimal, almost imperceptible little fluctuation of both the audible and visible static. For some reason, it almost feels like...a tiny nod of acknowledgement.
A moment later, Unit 01 bends down above Unit 00's head, and grips it firmly under the shoulders. I hurriedly rise to my feet and grab Unit 00 by the legs. Together, we carry the broken titan out of the crater and back to solid ground, the body swinging disconsolately from side to side with the motion.
It seems to take an age, but it probably takes less than fifteen seconds to place Unit 00 down on flat ground and turn it over onto its belly.
The moment we've done so, Unit 01 collapses face-first to the ground, as lifeless as the other...and within a few more seconds, both Entry Plugs are ejected remotely and the rescue teams are swarming around both.
Without bothering to ask permission, I immediately do the same and climb my way out of the Entry Plug down to the street as fast as I can without falling to my death.
Upon reaching the ground, I notice Dr. Akagi leading a small team of medical technicians pushing a gurney bearing a motionless, blue-haired figure, whose entire upper body is covered in-...
'Blood?! WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THAT BLOOD COME FROM?!'
Just what the fuck did the Angel do to her?!
'Is she even...could she be...'
But I see the way the technicians are rushing while still treading carefully...and feel a wave of relief.
'So at least it wasn't all for nothing that he-'
The thought hits me in the stomach like a lead weight being swung on a rope.
"Shinji!" I cry out as I run towards the other fallen Eva, no longer giving a damn if anyone hears or sees me act this way.
"Asuka!"
I see Misato running towards me, arms outstretched, tears streaming down her face. Before I can protest, she seizes me in a tight embrace.
"Shinji," I ask without preamble, "Is he-...?"
"He's alive!" Misato's voice is choked with tears, but she sounds positively overjoyed. "He's going to be okay!"
I find myself unable to say anything in response...but I can't help but allow myself to smile peacefully over Misato's shoulder.
'Welcome back...Baka.'
-------------------------------------
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- Location
- Edinburgh
That whole bit with the Angel and the cord connected to Unit 00 had some major Bloodborne vibes to it. Terrifying visuals but also really fits in with the tone of Eva.
Really nice little segment, shame it seems like it'll be a while till the next one. I really do enjoy and look forward to seeing this story and how it pans out.
Really nice little segment, shame it seems like it'll be a while till the next one. I really do enjoy and look forward to seeing this story and how it pans out.
Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
They're okay... They're okay...
Fantastic!
Now comes that hard part... Talking out all the feelings and shenanigans that have been occurring all this time. Won't that be fun?
#Doomed/not doomed.
Great chapter. Well worth the wait.
Fantastic!
Now comes that hard part... Talking out all the feelings and shenanigans that have been occurring all this time. Won't that be fun?
#Doomed/not doomed.
Great chapter. Well worth the wait.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Sometimes the feelings are so strong you can't say them loud. Youhave to say them soft.
I want to say 'Yay!' here, but I can tell it won't be that simple.
And I was right. So Yui had to do a little more than just RIP AND TEAR her way out this time... I wonder how much Shinji is going to remember.
Now let's see you say it to his face, out loud, Asuka.
[Four Little Words] Chapter 9.1 10/18/2015 (11:36 PM)
- Location
- United States
Hey there everyone! I was originally going to wait until I had more written before posting again, but...I couldn't resist. So, now we begin Chapter 9.
Sadly, I haven't completed the next segment yet (progress has been EXTREMELY slow, not least because this Chapter is another one that is and will be a very emotionally taxing one), so it might be some time before the next update after this.
But for now, here's Misato, along with Asuka, at Shinji's bedside.
Chapter 9-Four Little Words
•11:36 PM, Sunday October 18, 2015
On the other side of the curtain separating Shinji from the rest of the room, I hear the sound of stirring; it would seem that the room's other occupant has awakened. Sure enough, a moment later, the far corner of the curtain twitches slightly, and a cerulean eye peers cautiously at the unconscious boy.
"It's okay Asuka, he's still asleep," I tell her, feeling mildly amused by the girl's uncharacteristically timid behavior.
The girl, clearly not wanting to be seen acting in such a way, promptly squeaks with surprised embarrassment, and vanishes behind the curtain again.
I try to spare her feelings, I really do...but I can't help it. With a loud snort of laughter, I finally goad Asuka out of hiding.
"The hell are you laughing at, Misato?" growls the redheaded pilot, rubbing tiredly at the shadows under her eyes.
"Oh nothing," I reply ever-so-innocently, waving an airy hand.
"Hmph!" Asuka plops down in the chair next to mine, folding her arms and pouting in a decidedly un-adult manner.
But as her eyes focus on the convalescent Shinji, her expression softens gradually as the moments pass...there's even a brief moment where I see her smiling softly, as if too lost in thought to know it's there.
It's all I can do not to start giggling at the girl's expense again.
'I really should cut her some slack and not tease her so much...'
Although I must have been grinning at least a little given how, when she looks sideways at me, Asuka glowers at me before she turns away, inclining her nose in disgust.
'...but she's just too cute when she acts like this!'
But even the mirth that comes with seeing Asuka acting like a classic tsundere doesn't last long before giving way to the sobering weight of what's happened over the last eleven hours.
Today marked a whole new level of horror in the war against the Angels. And a part of me can't help but wonder...if the battle that took place today is just the beginning of...
'...what if all the battles that follow are just like this...or worse?'
I look down at the sleeping teenager on the bed, feeling the claws of anxiety tearing at my insides.
'You idiot, Shinji!' I think to myself, remembering the unspeakable horror of watching his Eva sink into the Angel's body and out of sight. 'Could've gotten yourself killed...'
On the other hand though...
'His actions may be the only reason Rei isn't dead...or worse. The Angel...'
My whole body clenches with violent hatred, the likes of which I haven't felt since...that day, for the entity codenamed 'Leliel'.
'That monster tried to merge itself with Unit 00!'
And according to Asuka, Rei was covered in blood when they carried her off!
'What the hell did that THING do to her?!'
And as if that weren't bad enough, it used Unit 00 AND Rei to try and kill Shinji!
'Just what happened to Shinji inside the Angel?'
The doctors claim that there isn't much physically wrong with him...so their theory is that he fainted from a mixture of stress or shock induced trauma and fatigue.
Remembering back to the brutality of the battle as the Evas literally tore their way out of Leliel's body and then proceeded to savagely beat and strangle one another...not to mention how they both fell from the sky hard enough to gouge a massive crater into the ground when they landed.
For a long time, both Asuka and I are completely silent, both of us seemingly lost in our own private trains of thought, until...
"So, are..." Asuka pauses for a moment, before continuing, "...either of us going to be punished after Third wakes up?"
In that pause, I can hear the real question she's asking. After all, according to Ritsuko, she already told Asuka that she won't be brought up on charges for attempting to commandeer Unit 02 against orders.
"Ritsuko already said she wouldn't push for any charges against you...and I don't plan to either."
'But as for her real question...I'm not quite sure of the answer.'
Asuka nods her head, but continues to stare at me, her brow creasing with frustration...but in the gaze of her cerulean eyes, beneath the veneer of weary annoyance is a deep undercurrent of the same dread tugging at my own soul.
"As for Shinji..." I begin to say after a long pause, "I...I honestly don't know, Asuka."
Asuka may have attempted to defy orders as well...but unlike Shinji, who very publicly defied me and even outright IGNORED my orders, Asuka at least relented under the threat of punishment...and her later attempt to commandeer Unit 02 was dealt with quickly and quietly enough that most of the staff still don't know about it, and was unsuccessful anyway.
But with Shinji having completely disregarded orders and risked getting himself killed and his Evangelion lost beyond hope of recovery, not to mention his complete flouting of my authority in public...I may honestly have no choice BUT to punish him somehow.
'I don't want to...God knows I REALLY don't want to!'
Aside from his genuinely noble and selfless reason for doing it, the truth is that he may in fact have saved us all by making the choice to disobey my orders. After all, there was NO guarantee that Ritsuko's plan would have worked at all, and even if it had...two of my Pilots would be dead, and their Evas most likely crippled beyond further usage anyway.
'He ended up being more useful in the battle than I could've hoped to be, but ultimately...'
"Depending on what the higher-ups say," I add grimly, speaking more to myself than Asuka, "The decision to punish him might very well be out of my hands...let alone how he'll be punished."
Upon hearing my answer, Asuka turns away from me, and once more fixes her gaze on Shinji.
For a long time, she remains silent, before... "Do you...think they'd go as far as discharging him and...sending him back home?"
Her question brings the memory of my conversation with Kaji a mere three days ago bubbling to the surface of my thoughts.
'He said that Asuka resents Shinji for his natural talent as an Eva Pilot. Of course she'd want to see him leave...' I think to myself bitterly. 'I guess not even desperately fearing for his life was enough to change that.'
"It's a possibility," I reply evenly, trying to keep the resentment out of my voice, "But hopefully-..."
I stop dead at the sight of the girl's reaction to my words, the twinge of anger from a moment before all but extinguished within an instant.
The breath catches in Asuka's throat, eyes widening with fear, and the hands resting upon her upper legs clench into white-knuckled fists.
That moment of vulnerability only lasts for a split second before she regains her composure...but it was more than long enough for me to know what I saw.
'So that proves it then. I wonder...'
No. Considering the reason she had to leave, I have no right to make Shinji share a living space with her anymore.
'I guess...a part of me just wants so much for everything to go back to the way things were before. Sure, there were arguments and a LOT of tension, but with the way things have been at home since she left...'
Shinji has always been withdrawn and reticent...but other than that brief moment he opened up to me after coming home early from school on Thursday, he's been even more closed off since Asuka's departure.
'She always had a way of opening him up and making the real Shinji show himself...something I've always seemed to fail at, no matter how hard I try.'
But there's one simple, sobering fact to consider...
'Bringing Asuka back home probably wouldn't fix that at this point anyway...not after everything that's happened. If anything, it's probably why Shinji has been isolating himself even more than before. God, I should be ashamed of myself, relying on a teenage girl to compensate for my ineptitude as a guardian.'
I guess...just seeing such a tender display of concern from Asuka even after the battle was over gave me hope that things could get better...or at least back to the way they were. But even if she's turned over a new leaf, it doesn't undo the damage she inflicted on Shinji. And if moving her back in would only hurt him more...then there's no way in hell I'm going to put him through that.
"But hopefully...what?" Asuka inquires, tersely parroting my aborted answer to her previous question and bringing me back to reality.
"Well..." I answer with a sigh, "Despite his insubordination, everything turned out very favorably, all things considered...so that will most likely be a good point in his favor."
I almost mention that his successful track record with the past Angels may in fact ensure his job's security...but considering that very topic is the source of her previous resentment towards Shinji, combined with the fact that Asuka never really got the chance to actually fight this Angel...I can't help but feel that, far from reassuring her, it might just rip open and rub salt into the same wounds that poisoned her against him before.
'Maybe she's moved past that now, but still...'
No need to risk ruining any progress with a slip of the tongue.
"And I suppose being the best Pilot doesn't hurt his chances either." Asuka's voice is soft, and I can see a faint, wry smile curling her lip. "I guess that's good to know."
I find myself momentarily speechless.
'I knew something had changed in her, but this...'
After a moment, I manage to say, "Were you that worried he'd be sent away?"
The question emerges sounding less teasing and more incredulous than I'd intended.
Asuka bows her head with a deep sigh of resignation as she replies, "Look, I...after what happened today, and everything I said over the radio to Shinji, and directly to you while we were waiting for Akagi to figure out how the Angel functioned...do you honestly think I'd be happy to see him punished or sent away?"
I choose not to answer...but it seems as if Asuka already knows anyway.
"You don't need to answer that. I know you probably think that situational stress was the only thing that made me act the way I did, and that I'd just go back to being my old self afterwards."
I don't bother to contradict her, given that she's spoken the truth.
"I know, it's only been three days...but I..." Asuka pauses, looking as if she's having difficulty finding a way to express her thoughts aloud.
However, she's spared the trouble by the incoming call on my cell phone. I notice that it's coming from one of the scrambled lines.
"Hello?"
"Misato," answers Makoto's voice, sounding rather grave, "I'm sorry to drop this on you so suddenly, but I wasn't given much warning mys-"
"Cut to the chase," I reply tersely, feeling the sense of foreboding that's been dogging me since the battle's conclusion redoubling.
"It's the Committee." Makoto's voice sounds equally tense. "They want to speak to you immediately. One of the holographic conference rooms has already been prepared."
My heart, which had a first began to pound against my ribs, seems to freeze mid-pulse as I rise to my feet.
'They sure didn't waste any time, did they?'
But the snarky tone of that thought does nothing to quell the fear that I'm most likely about to discover the possible fate of my career and at least one of my Pilots sooner rather than later. Perhaps the knowledge that this meeting was inevitable is what is allowing me to maintain my composure.
"I'm on my way," I say after Makoto tells me in which conference room the meeting will take place, with a calmness that surprises even myself, and end the call.
I turn to face Asuka, who to my surprise, has not only risen to her feet, but moved to stand right beside the bed, with an expression that could only be described as fearful...yet strangely resolute.
'It's almost as if she were...'
Asuka blushes furiously as a knowing grin manages to peek its way through my grim consternation.
"Asuka, there's something I have to take care of. I need you to..." I hesitate for a moment.
'Despite what I just saw...I still have to consider what happened before in case he wakes up before I return.'
But the fact is, I haven't been able to reach Kaji, most likely because he's still down in the shelters with everyone else...
'...at least he'd better be.'
And anyone else I'd trust to keep watch over Asuka and Shinji are flooded with the work I'd be doing if I weren't here and then some.
'So...I'm just going to have to trust her.'
"I need you to stay with Shinji until I get back," I tell her firmly. "Which shouldn't be too long," I add, admittedly with less confidence than I'd like.
Asuka stares at me for a moment, before her face almost completely drains of color. "I...I c-can't."
"What?" I reply rather louder than intended, not only out of frustration...but surprise. Considering her recent behavior, this is NOT the response I was expecting. "Why not?"
"B-Because...because I..."
"Out with it Asuka!"
'But truthfully, I think I know...it's written all over her face.'
"Because of what happened last time!" Asuka buries her face in her hands. "I mean sure...my attitude has changed since then, but still..."
She wraps her arms around herself, looking unexpectedly frightened. "That night...I didn't honestly mean to say half the things I did. It all just...spilled out of me before I could stop it. I don't...I don't want to-"
"That's enough!"
I bow my head with a grim sigh.
As much as I understand what she's saying, I simply don't have the time to argue with her that I have faith in her ability not to lose control that way again.
'Hell, she was ready to protect Shinji from ME after that phone call on the off chance that it was about having to punish him. So I'll just have to put that fear back into her...'
"If that's really what you think will happen, then leave NOW!" I say, directing a hard glare at Asuka. "Go on. Walk out of here RIGHT NOW if you honestly think you can't control yourself! Because if you do slip up like that again, I will personally see to it that you NEVER see him again, even after the war is over! Is THAT what you want?!"
Asuka shakes her head, wide-eyed with fear. Whether it be fear of me or fear of her self-control, I know not.
"So what's it gonna be Asuka?" I ask in a quieter, but much more dangerous voice. "Are you leaving or are you staying?"
Asuka doesn't answer with words. With considerable trepidation, but also a look of growing resolve in her eyes, Asuka simply walks back to the chair she'd been sitting in earlier, and plops down into it with a worried yet determined frown.
With a tiny nod of satisfaction, I turn to leave the room, saying as I do so, "If that's your decision, I trust you Asuka. I'll see you when I get back."
As I walk into the hallway, and towards the conference rooms on the other side of the facility, I think to myself, 'I could have just told her to leave. I suppose he doesn't NEED anyone to watch over him, since he's almost perfectly safe here.'
But honestly, I'd hate for him to wake up from that terrible ordeal without SOMEONE familiar in the room there with him. After hours and hours of what must have been completely isolated darkness inside that void, the last thing I want him to be when he awakens is completely alone in a hospital room...which is exactly what I told Ritsuko and the others when I insisted on keeping him company and that I absolutely not be disturbed unless an emergency arose.
For all the faith I have in Asuka to do right by Shinji now though, I can't pretend that she is my first choice. But given Shinji's last words before he fell into the Angel's body, I'd like to think that he's forgiven her, or at least that he's starting to...but truthfully, I have no idea how he might react to her being the first person he sees upon waking up. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was hoping Shinji stays unconscious until I return to his side. At least then, I'll know for sure he's in good hands when he wakes up. But still...
'I guess a part of me is just hoping...that even if he does wake up before I return, that by giving them this one chance to be alone, perhaps they can start to patch things up.'
I can tell they've both missed one another, despite everything. And something tells me that neither one will really be happy until they've made up...or at least gotten some mutual closure.
But naturally, there's a selfish reason on my part too. I want...
'I know it's self-centered of me, but...'
I now stand before the door of the conference room chosen for the meeting with the Human Instrumentality Committee.
'Damnit! I want my family back!'
I open the door, and walk inside.
'That is...if these old bastards don't try to take them away from me first.'
—————————————————-
AN: You may have noticed that this Chapter doesn't open with a lyric/music banner. That was not unintentional on my part. But don't worry, there WILL be one...at the end of the chapter.
Oh, and on the subject of music, I've decided to change the song for the last segment of Chapter 8 to something more fitting.
Sadly, I haven't completed the next segment yet (progress has been EXTREMELY slow, not least because this Chapter is another one that is and will be a very emotionally taxing one), so it might be some time before the next update after this.
But for now, here's Misato, along with Asuka, at Shinji's bedside.
Chapter 9-Four Little Words
•11:36 PM, Sunday October 18, 2015
On the other side of the curtain separating Shinji from the rest of the room, I hear the sound of stirring; it would seem that the room's other occupant has awakened. Sure enough, a moment later, the far corner of the curtain twitches slightly, and a cerulean eye peers cautiously at the unconscious boy.
"It's okay Asuka, he's still asleep," I tell her, feeling mildly amused by the girl's uncharacteristically timid behavior.
The girl, clearly not wanting to be seen acting in such a way, promptly squeaks with surprised embarrassment, and vanishes behind the curtain again.
I try to spare her feelings, I really do...but I can't help it. With a loud snort of laughter, I finally goad Asuka out of hiding.
"The hell are you laughing at, Misato?" growls the redheaded pilot, rubbing tiredly at the shadows under her eyes.
"Oh nothing," I reply ever-so-innocently, waving an airy hand.
"Hmph!" Asuka plops down in the chair next to mine, folding her arms and pouting in a decidedly un-adult manner.
But as her eyes focus on the convalescent Shinji, her expression softens gradually as the moments pass...there's even a brief moment where I see her smiling softly, as if too lost in thought to know it's there.
It's all I can do not to start giggling at the girl's expense again.
'I really should cut her some slack and not tease her so much...'
Although I must have been grinning at least a little given how, when she looks sideways at me, Asuka glowers at me before she turns away, inclining her nose in disgust.
'...but she's just too cute when she acts like this!'
But even the mirth that comes with seeing Asuka acting like a classic tsundere doesn't last long before giving way to the sobering weight of what's happened over the last eleven hours.
Today marked a whole new level of horror in the war against the Angels. And a part of me can't help but wonder...if the battle that took place today is just the beginning of...
'...what if all the battles that follow are just like this...or worse?'
I look down at the sleeping teenager on the bed, feeling the claws of anxiety tearing at my insides.
'You idiot, Shinji!' I think to myself, remembering the unspeakable horror of watching his Eva sink into the Angel's body and out of sight. 'Could've gotten yourself killed...'
On the other hand though...
'His actions may be the only reason Rei isn't dead...or worse. The Angel...'
My whole body clenches with violent hatred, the likes of which I haven't felt since...that day, for the entity codenamed 'Leliel'.
'That monster tried to merge itself with Unit 00!'
And according to Asuka, Rei was covered in blood when they carried her off!
'What the hell did that THING do to her?!'
And as if that weren't bad enough, it used Unit 00 AND Rei to try and kill Shinji!
'Just what happened to Shinji inside the Angel?'
The doctors claim that there isn't much physically wrong with him...so their theory is that he fainted from a mixture of stress or shock induced trauma and fatigue.
Remembering back to the brutality of the battle as the Evas literally tore their way out of Leliel's body and then proceeded to savagely beat and strangle one another...not to mention how they both fell from the sky hard enough to gouge a massive crater into the ground when they landed.
For a long time, both Asuka and I are completely silent, both of us seemingly lost in our own private trains of thought, until...
"So, are..." Asuka pauses for a moment, before continuing, "...either of us going to be punished after Third wakes up?"
In that pause, I can hear the real question she's asking. After all, according to Ritsuko, she already told Asuka that she won't be brought up on charges for attempting to commandeer Unit 02 against orders.
"Ritsuko already said she wouldn't push for any charges against you...and I don't plan to either."
'But as for her real question...I'm not quite sure of the answer.'
Asuka nods her head, but continues to stare at me, her brow creasing with frustration...but in the gaze of her cerulean eyes, beneath the veneer of weary annoyance is a deep undercurrent of the same dread tugging at my own soul.
"As for Shinji..." I begin to say after a long pause, "I...I honestly don't know, Asuka."
Asuka may have attempted to defy orders as well...but unlike Shinji, who very publicly defied me and even outright IGNORED my orders, Asuka at least relented under the threat of punishment...and her later attempt to commandeer Unit 02 was dealt with quickly and quietly enough that most of the staff still don't know about it, and was unsuccessful anyway.
But with Shinji having completely disregarded orders and risked getting himself killed and his Evangelion lost beyond hope of recovery, not to mention his complete flouting of my authority in public...I may honestly have no choice BUT to punish him somehow.
'I don't want to...God knows I REALLY don't want to!'
Aside from his genuinely noble and selfless reason for doing it, the truth is that he may in fact have saved us all by making the choice to disobey my orders. After all, there was NO guarantee that Ritsuko's plan would have worked at all, and even if it had...two of my Pilots would be dead, and their Evas most likely crippled beyond further usage anyway.
'He ended up being more useful in the battle than I could've hoped to be, but ultimately...'
"Depending on what the higher-ups say," I add grimly, speaking more to myself than Asuka, "The decision to punish him might very well be out of my hands...let alone how he'll be punished."
Upon hearing my answer, Asuka turns away from me, and once more fixes her gaze on Shinji.
For a long time, she remains silent, before... "Do you...think they'd go as far as discharging him and...sending him back home?"
Her question brings the memory of my conversation with Kaji a mere three days ago bubbling to the surface of my thoughts.
'He said that Asuka resents Shinji for his natural talent as an Eva Pilot. Of course she'd want to see him leave...' I think to myself bitterly. 'I guess not even desperately fearing for his life was enough to change that.'
"It's a possibility," I reply evenly, trying to keep the resentment out of my voice, "But hopefully-..."
I stop dead at the sight of the girl's reaction to my words, the twinge of anger from a moment before all but extinguished within an instant.
The breath catches in Asuka's throat, eyes widening with fear, and the hands resting upon her upper legs clench into white-knuckled fists.
That moment of vulnerability only lasts for a split second before she regains her composure...but it was more than long enough for me to know what I saw.
'So that proves it then. I wonder...'
No. Considering the reason she had to leave, I have no right to make Shinji share a living space with her anymore.
'I guess...a part of me just wants so much for everything to go back to the way things were before. Sure, there were arguments and a LOT of tension, but with the way things have been at home since she left...'
Shinji has always been withdrawn and reticent...but other than that brief moment he opened up to me after coming home early from school on Thursday, he's been even more closed off since Asuka's departure.
'She always had a way of opening him up and making the real Shinji show himself...something I've always seemed to fail at, no matter how hard I try.'
But there's one simple, sobering fact to consider...
'Bringing Asuka back home probably wouldn't fix that at this point anyway...not after everything that's happened. If anything, it's probably why Shinji has been isolating himself even more than before. God, I should be ashamed of myself, relying on a teenage girl to compensate for my ineptitude as a guardian.'
I guess...just seeing such a tender display of concern from Asuka even after the battle was over gave me hope that things could get better...or at least back to the way they were. But even if she's turned over a new leaf, it doesn't undo the damage she inflicted on Shinji. And if moving her back in would only hurt him more...then there's no way in hell I'm going to put him through that.
"But hopefully...what?" Asuka inquires, tersely parroting my aborted answer to her previous question and bringing me back to reality.
"Well..." I answer with a sigh, "Despite his insubordination, everything turned out very favorably, all things considered...so that will most likely be a good point in his favor."
I almost mention that his successful track record with the past Angels may in fact ensure his job's security...but considering that very topic is the source of her previous resentment towards Shinji, combined with the fact that Asuka never really got the chance to actually fight this Angel...I can't help but feel that, far from reassuring her, it might just rip open and rub salt into the same wounds that poisoned her against him before.
'Maybe she's moved past that now, but still...'
No need to risk ruining any progress with a slip of the tongue.
"And I suppose being the best Pilot doesn't hurt his chances either." Asuka's voice is soft, and I can see a faint, wry smile curling her lip. "I guess that's good to know."
I find myself momentarily speechless.
'I knew something had changed in her, but this...'
After a moment, I manage to say, "Were you that worried he'd be sent away?"
The question emerges sounding less teasing and more incredulous than I'd intended.
Asuka bows her head with a deep sigh of resignation as she replies, "Look, I...after what happened today, and everything I said over the radio to Shinji, and directly to you while we were waiting for Akagi to figure out how the Angel functioned...do you honestly think I'd be happy to see him punished or sent away?"
I choose not to answer...but it seems as if Asuka already knows anyway.
"You don't need to answer that. I know you probably think that situational stress was the only thing that made me act the way I did, and that I'd just go back to being my old self afterwards."
I don't bother to contradict her, given that she's spoken the truth.
"I know, it's only been three days...but I..." Asuka pauses, looking as if she's having difficulty finding a way to express her thoughts aloud.
However, she's spared the trouble by the incoming call on my cell phone. I notice that it's coming from one of the scrambled lines.
"Hello?"
"Misato," answers Makoto's voice, sounding rather grave, "I'm sorry to drop this on you so suddenly, but I wasn't given much warning mys-"
"Cut to the chase," I reply tersely, feeling the sense of foreboding that's been dogging me since the battle's conclusion redoubling.
"It's the Committee." Makoto's voice sounds equally tense. "They want to speak to you immediately. One of the holographic conference rooms has already been prepared."
My heart, which had a first began to pound against my ribs, seems to freeze mid-pulse as I rise to my feet.
'They sure didn't waste any time, did they?'
But the snarky tone of that thought does nothing to quell the fear that I'm most likely about to discover the possible fate of my career and at least one of my Pilots sooner rather than later. Perhaps the knowledge that this meeting was inevitable is what is allowing me to maintain my composure.
"I'm on my way," I say after Makoto tells me in which conference room the meeting will take place, with a calmness that surprises even myself, and end the call.
I turn to face Asuka, who to my surprise, has not only risen to her feet, but moved to stand right beside the bed, with an expression that could only be described as fearful...yet strangely resolute.
'It's almost as if she were...'
Asuka blushes furiously as a knowing grin manages to peek its way through my grim consternation.
"Asuka, there's something I have to take care of. I need you to..." I hesitate for a moment.
'Despite what I just saw...I still have to consider what happened before in case he wakes up before I return.'
But the fact is, I haven't been able to reach Kaji, most likely because he's still down in the shelters with everyone else...
'...at least he'd better be.'
And anyone else I'd trust to keep watch over Asuka and Shinji are flooded with the work I'd be doing if I weren't here and then some.
'So...I'm just going to have to trust her.'
"I need you to stay with Shinji until I get back," I tell her firmly. "Which shouldn't be too long," I add, admittedly with less confidence than I'd like.
Asuka stares at me for a moment, before her face almost completely drains of color. "I...I c-can't."
"What?" I reply rather louder than intended, not only out of frustration...but surprise. Considering her recent behavior, this is NOT the response I was expecting. "Why not?"
"B-Because...because I..."
"Out with it Asuka!"
'But truthfully, I think I know...it's written all over her face.'
"Because of what happened last time!" Asuka buries her face in her hands. "I mean sure...my attitude has changed since then, but still..."
She wraps her arms around herself, looking unexpectedly frightened. "That night...I didn't honestly mean to say half the things I did. It all just...spilled out of me before I could stop it. I don't...I don't want to-"
"That's enough!"
I bow my head with a grim sigh.
As much as I understand what she's saying, I simply don't have the time to argue with her that I have faith in her ability not to lose control that way again.
'Hell, she was ready to protect Shinji from ME after that phone call on the off chance that it was about having to punish him. So I'll just have to put that fear back into her...'
"If that's really what you think will happen, then leave NOW!" I say, directing a hard glare at Asuka. "Go on. Walk out of here RIGHT NOW if you honestly think you can't control yourself! Because if you do slip up like that again, I will personally see to it that you NEVER see him again, even after the war is over! Is THAT what you want?!"
Asuka shakes her head, wide-eyed with fear. Whether it be fear of me or fear of her self-control, I know not.
"So what's it gonna be Asuka?" I ask in a quieter, but much more dangerous voice. "Are you leaving or are you staying?"
Asuka doesn't answer with words. With considerable trepidation, but also a look of growing resolve in her eyes, Asuka simply walks back to the chair she'd been sitting in earlier, and plops down into it with a worried yet determined frown.
With a tiny nod of satisfaction, I turn to leave the room, saying as I do so, "If that's your decision, I trust you Asuka. I'll see you when I get back."
As I walk into the hallway, and towards the conference rooms on the other side of the facility, I think to myself, 'I could have just told her to leave. I suppose he doesn't NEED anyone to watch over him, since he's almost perfectly safe here.'
But honestly, I'd hate for him to wake up from that terrible ordeal without SOMEONE familiar in the room there with him. After hours and hours of what must have been completely isolated darkness inside that void, the last thing I want him to be when he awakens is completely alone in a hospital room...which is exactly what I told Ritsuko and the others when I insisted on keeping him company and that I absolutely not be disturbed unless an emergency arose.
For all the faith I have in Asuka to do right by Shinji now though, I can't pretend that she is my first choice. But given Shinji's last words before he fell into the Angel's body, I'd like to think that he's forgiven her, or at least that he's starting to...but truthfully, I have no idea how he might react to her being the first person he sees upon waking up. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was hoping Shinji stays unconscious until I return to his side. At least then, I'll know for sure he's in good hands when he wakes up. But still...
'I guess a part of me is just hoping...that even if he does wake up before I return, that by giving them this one chance to be alone, perhaps they can start to patch things up.'
I can tell they've both missed one another, despite everything. And something tells me that neither one will really be happy until they've made up...or at least gotten some mutual closure.
But naturally, there's a selfish reason on my part too. I want...
'I know it's self-centered of me, but...'
I now stand before the door of the conference room chosen for the meeting with the Human Instrumentality Committee.
'Damnit! I want my family back!'
I open the door, and walk inside.
'That is...if these old bastards don't try to take them away from me first.'
—————————————————-
AN: You may have noticed that this Chapter doesn't open with a lyric/music banner. That was not unintentional on my part. But don't worry, there WILL be one...at the end of the chapter.
Oh, and on the subject of music, I've decided to change the song for the last segment of Chapter 8 to something more fitting.
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- Location
- Australia, mate
No bet necessary here: The moment Shinji wakes up the room is going to collapse into a singularity of awkwardness, from which no tsunlight can escape.
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Or before you make that sort of decision, you could try asking them.
And that would be why. No one gets under Shinji's skin like she does, or makes him come to life. That's why what she said cut so deep. No one else has that kind of access to the real Shinji.
Finally got one right, Misato.
Ranma-sensei
Sorcerer
- Location
- Citrix Receiver
- Pronouns
- Weatherdependent
You know, I used to think you like making snide remarks. But now I'm wondering if you're not just feeding on people's tears.
Personally, I think Asuka will possibly swallow her tongue when Shinji awakes, only to snort a laugh when he apologizes to her for slashing her wrist with his Eva's knife.
- Location
- State of Denial
Finally caught up, and after much heartbreak I must say I see three possible outcomes of this next shinji-Asuka interaction
1. The Ugly: Asuka fumbles her words and puts her foot in her mouth for the nth time thus far, her pride rears its ugly head at the worst time, and shit falls out between them once more, leading to more angst and heartbreak.
2. The Good: the two of them have a civil conversation, Asuka lays out some, but by no means all, of her insecurities, and the two begin a rapprochement.
3. Somewhere in between: Asuka tells Shinji her thought from two (?) days prior that he is better off without her. He's likely surprised by her thinking of his best instead of her own and doesn't know how to respond. She takes his surprise/hesitation as agreement and . . . . honestly idk what then.
It's taken a toll on my heart but I've enjoyed reading the story, @RedDestroyer1361 and am eagerly looking forward to your next installment (also I quite like your avatar picture)
1. The Ugly: Asuka fumbles her words and puts her foot in her mouth for the nth time thus far, her pride rears its ugly head at the worst time, and shit falls out between them once more, leading to more angst and heartbreak.
2. The Good: the two of them have a civil conversation, Asuka lays out some, but by no means all, of her insecurities, and the two begin a rapprochement.
3. Somewhere in between: Asuka tells Shinji her thought from two (?) days prior that he is better off without her. He's likely surprised by her thinking of his best instead of her own and doesn't know how to respond. She takes his surprise/hesitation as agreement and . . . . honestly idk what then.
It's taken a toll on my heart but I've enjoyed reading the story, @RedDestroyer1361 and am eagerly looking forward to your next installment (also I quite like your avatar picture)
- Location
- United States
I'm glad to hear you've been enjoying my work
Yeah, I thought it was pretty neat. It's actually the numberplate of Pennsylvania Railroad #1361
It's fitting since the locomotive was what inspired the numerical half of my username
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- Location
- England, Essex, Braintree
@Star_Trekker commented on what Asuka might do in her next interaction with Shinji (I honestly believe it will be The Good outcome, although she showed a bit of weakness at being with Shinji alone, that threat from Misato has probably raised her determination to extremely high levels. Also, Asuka herself probably realises how much she went through just to get an outcome that wasn't bad, it'd all be for nothing if The Ugly or in between situations occurred).
But what in the world will Shinji do????
I'd definitely think he'd be questioning for Rei's wellbeing, perhaps immediately when he wakes up - even though Asuka's there...
Actually, that brings up an interesting question, what will he react more to? His concern for Rei or Asuka being right in fucking front of him?
There are just so many ways that this can go, and I hope what you got planned for @RedDestroyer1361 isn't too emotionally taxing - all the future events are challenging enough to simply think about (How the fuck is this fic going to end, seriously tho how).
I wish you good luck dude, this fic hasn't suffered a single hindrance and I hope I never dread the day that that will happen.
But what in the world will Shinji do????
I'd definitely think he'd be questioning for Rei's wellbeing, perhaps immediately when he wakes up - even though Asuka's there...
Actually, that brings up an interesting question, what will he react more to? His concern for Rei or Asuka being right in fucking front of him?
There are just so many ways that this can go, and I hope what you got planned for @RedDestroyer1361 isn't too emotionally taxing - all the future events are challenging enough to simply think about (How the fuck is this fic going to end, seriously tho how).
I wish you good luck dude, this fic hasn't suffered a single hindrance and I hope I never dread the day that that will happen.
Chapter 9.2 10/19/2015 (12:37 AM)
- Location
- United States
Alright folks...at long last, I've managed to hammer out the next one.
This one...was one of the hardest pieces to write. I ended up scrapping and rewriting possibly as much as 2/3 of what I'd originally written.
I hope you enjoy this one...for now we return to Asuka's POV.
•12:37 AM Monday, October 19, 2015
The steady beeping of the heart monitor attached to Shinji feels to me like a numberless countdown...a ruthless marching of the time until he awakens. Each tiny beep is like a stone cast into the murky pool of dread that seems both to fill me and engulf me all at once, sending ripples through my every nerve ending.
I'm not quite sure how long it's been since Misato left the room...but it feels like hours have passed.
'What is she thinking?!' I ask myself for what seems the thousandth time. 'If I stay, and he wakes up and finds me here...'
Flashbacks of Shinji's furious rebuking fill my mind, and merge themselves with the memories of the horrid things I said THAT night...a mere four days past now.
'This is...the first time we've been alone together since then. Gott...it feels like it all happened a lifetime ago now.'
I turn my head slightly to stare at Shinji's face. The expression of his slumbering countenance, always so peaceful before, seems strained with fear.
'I wonder if it's because...he already knows that I'm here.'
A cold wave of misery washes over me at the thought.
'I shouldn't be here. I should've left, damnit!'
'...then why can't I turn away?'
The muscles in my legs won't budge, and even turning my gaze away from him takes a monumental effort...an effort that yields me mere seconds of reprieve before my eyes swivel right back.
'Who am I kidding? I'm too afraid of what will happen when he wakes up to look away.'
I can almost hear his voice, seething with hatred and disgust coming from behind if my gaze should dare to wander elsewhere. If I don't look away...at least I might have a moment to brace myself for that moment.
'But of course, that's not the only reason...'
Despite all the anxiety eating a hole through my insides, I know that if I were anywhere else right now...I'd probably just be driven mad by the maelstrom churning within me. I'm afraid to be near him. But I'm even more afraid that if I leave...I'll never see him again.
'There's a chance...that he might be discharged from NERV, or even imprisoned for defying orders. And once he's gone...that's it. If that happens, unless we both somehow survive the war, I'll probably never see him again after this.'
But considering all that's happened, and how he probably feels about me now, would I honestly want to seek him out anyway?
Somewhere in my mind, a girl wearing a yellow sundress rippling in an illusory breeze replies with a knowing smirk, "Of course you would. What are you, stupid?"
...
I guess I would; but it might take me a whole lifetime to stop being too Gottverdampt stupid to find the right words to say...or to even work up the courage to do or say ANYTHING in the first place. At this point, I'm not so sure that I trust myself not to slip up and say something that's rude at best and unforgivably cruel at worst, and the last few times it's happened, it almost felt like it happened automatically, whether it's what I really wanted to say or not.
'Or maybe that's just an excuse...'
...an excuse to cover up the fact that being near him, and feeling the way I have for the last month or so...is fucking terrifying.
'Saying the most hurtful things I could, pushing Shinji away...it was the only way I could feel safe again.'
But even then, that never stopped me from wanting to be near him all over again...wanting his attention on me...and ONLY on me...as if what I'd said and done before, or why I'd done it in this first place, never happened or didn't matter. What the hell is WRONG with me?! What kind of person forces their company on someone they know they're just going to end up hurting over and over again?!
'You know the reason why. But even though you weren't able to admit it to yourself, it was your feelings that kept you from being able to stay away from him.'
I look over at him again, and feel that same sensation that begins in my chest that is all at once so perplexing...and so addictive that I can't wait to feel it again...and again.
'When did it first happen?' I've found myself asking that question all the time lately.
'I guess...it might have been as early as September 10...the night before the final fight against Israfel. I remember feeling so disappointed when he failed to call my 'impenetrable Wall Of Jericho' bluff that night.'
But then again, it wasn't quite the same as what I feel now.
'That night, I was mostly just lonely, I think.'
Kaji had already started to make himself scarce and was failing to return any of my calls. Suddenly, I was afraid that I'd somehow made myself...undesirable.
Sure, I had the fawning admiration of the male population at school...but aside from the lot of them being unworthy to even breathe my air, I knew that their slavish devotion was nothing but a mixture of mindless lust and celebrity worship. Utterly worthless to me.
No...I'd wanted to see if I could still entice someone who'd spent time actually living with me and dealing with the real me outside the public eye. And obviously, that narrowed things down to Shinji, and Shinji alone.
Even so, while kneeling at that door, trying to resist the temptation to open it myself when he failed to take the bait, I remember that few, if any, of my frustrated emotions were directed at Kaji...though I failed to acknowledge the significance of that at the time, due to what happened next.
'When he blurted out that he'd tried to kiss me...I felt so confused. I was angry and even hurt that he'd fooled me into thinking he was better than most boys...and yet I was relieved and nearly ecstatic that someone with some significance was actually attracted to me after all.
But even more then that, I was terrified by his revelation that he'd heard me calling out for my momma.
I tried to tell myself that I was giving him the silent treatment as punishment for what he did...but truthfully, the real reason was that I was avoiding him, lest he start asking questions and discover any of the things I've spent all these years burying.
'By the end of the week though, I'd managed to convince myself that it really WAS punishment for his attempt to kiss me...and when I thought about it, I really was angry with him. And though I probably wouldn't have kept it up forever, I'm not sure I would have been satisfied with only one week...had it not been for Shinji utterly defying my expectations yet again.'
"That was it..." I say quietly to myself, "...if I could pinpoint the moment I began to feel this way, it was when..."
And the events of that day begin to replay in my mind's eye, as if the memory itself were a roll of film.
...
It was the evening of Friday, September 18, and I was returning from an outing with Hikari and a few other girls whose names aren't important enough to recall.
The moment I entered the hallway, the wave of familiar and completely unexpected odors had hit me...but I dismissed it as nothing more than homesick nostalgia, until I entered the kitchen...and saw with my own eyes what my roommate was doing; the pervert that apparently had the gall to try to kiss me in my sleep, was poring more than a little feverishly over a pan of pork schnitzel and a pot of spaetzle.
For a moment I just stood there and watched, spellbound by the aroma...and silently trying to confirm that what I was seeing was real.
After nearly a minute had passed, Shinji turned around and saw me. At first, his expression was fearful and sad, but then...he made a brave attempt at a hopeful smile.
"I was hoping to surprise you, but...well..." he faltered for a moment, before continuing, "...I know it's probably nowhere near as good as what you're used to, but...I remembered that you said you missed the food back home...so..." he trailed off, watching closely and cautiously, clearly becoming more anxious by the second.
Well...I certainly WAS surprised, not to mention immensely relieved that I decided not to eat anything substantial while I was out. But even so...
"...Why?" I asked him. It was the first word I'd directly spoken to him in a week, and I hated how soft and almost breathless my voice sounded to my own ears.
For a moment, Shinji's nervous smile vanished and he looked away, his expression one of deepest shame. I half expected him to mumble out some overwrought yet laughable attempt to win my affections; basically some more of that inane and quasi-poetic drivel right out of that mountain of 'love confession' letters I'd received from seemingly every worthless boy at my school within the first few days of my arrival.
But after a moment of silence...
"I did a bad thing to you, and...I know that this time, just saying 'sorry' is, well...pointless, to say the least. I almost kissed you when you weren't awake to stop me...of course you'd hate me for that. We're...supposed to be comrades...teammates. We're in this war together, and...we should always be able to trust and rely on one another. How could you when I did something like that?"
He heaved a deep sigh, before continuing, "Asuka, I...I don't really expect you to forgive me or anything, but...I...I felt that at least...I could show you that I...mean what I've said. And," his smile returned, sad and resigned...but genuine all the same, "This is honestly the only thing I'm really ANY good at. And even then, it's probably nothing great, but still I...I h-had to find some way to say it and show that I really mean what I've said."
The words didn't surprise me...I kind of thought he might be doing this to apologize.
No, it was the way he managed to look me in the eye, so unlike his usual shifty-eyed, stammering self, that floored me...the way he made me truly believe every word he said...the way he...made me want to forget everything else and...just...
"Well then," I replied turning and walking away perhaps a bit too quickly when I felt an unexpected, tingling warmth in my cheeks, "I'll leave you to it. And maybe..." I stopped for a moment, all the while resisting the surprisingly strong temptation to turn around, "If you REALLY manage to impress me...I MIGHT just consider forgiving you."
"Right." His reply was just that one soft, simple word. But in it...I heard the same quiet determination that first reared its head during that hellish week of synchronization training.
To be honest, I thought the uncharacteristic show of resolution from my otherwise spineless roommate would be a onetime phenomenon destined to forever eclipse any future interaction with him. But hearing that ironclad sincerity in his voice not only AGAIN, but so soon, and over something so seemingly trivial...I found that my need to maintain a cold distance was completely overridden by my disbelieving curiosity. So, I turned around to look at him once more.
It was fortunate for me that Shinji had turned his full attention back to the stove...because, try as I might (and looking back, I'm not so sure I really DID try), I couldn't suppress the idiotic smile that spread across my face...not to mention, I could tell that I must have been blushing, given how warm and tingly my face felt.
My instincts promptly began to scream at me in a frenzied panic...but for once, I found myself able to ignore them.
...
Returning to the present...I'm not at all surprised to find that I can feel that same stupid grin on my face I was wearing that day.
'How could I not? That memory...it just...'
What I felt at that moment...it was beautiful; almost as beautiful as what I was watching Shinji do. I must have stood there for nearly a minute, looking just like some besotted schoolgirl.
'Just when I thought I had you figured out...you went and pulled something like that? Well played, Baka Shinji.'
If truth be told, I think I probably forgave him right then and there, standing in that kitchen.
'Not that I ever said so...' My smile fades, as a dark curtain of bitterness descends.
After we ate that meal, I told him that I accepted his apology...but made it perfectly clear when I told him his work was 'passable for a first-time attempt, but that there was room for improvement' that my 'forgiveness' had yet to be earned.
'In truth though, it really was delicious. I'd definitely had better back in Germany...but honestly, not by much. Shinji's first time attempt was on par with a reasonably skilled cook who'd been making the dish for years.'
But...I suppose in addition to my usual stubbornness, a part of me REALLY wanted to encourage him into doing it again without having to just come out and ask...or, Gott behüte, offer a genuine compliment. And as usual, all I ended up doing was hurting his feelings.
He looked so hopeful when I said I accepted his apology, only for him to visibly shrink when I as I good as called all his efforts 'mediocre at best'. Naturally, he never tried making German food again, and he became very standoffish for the next few days...but I did notice that he started looking more intently at Wondergirl.
Perhaps...that was the real reason I went as far as showing myself off in a swimsuit and even rubbing my breasts in front of him as part of a 'thermal expansion demonstration' just to get some kind of 'rise' out of him only a few days later at the swimming pool.
I told myself afterward that I was just making him squirm for my own amusement...that it was fun for me to watch 'hopeless little boys' like him get their hopes up just to crush them if they got arrogant enough to try anything. Well...if it had been just about anyone else, that might have actually been true.
'But naturally, that excuse didn't account for how much I hated to see his attention focused elsewhere for even a moment...especially if it happened to be directed towards Wondergirl. Nor did it account for a certain 'something' that happened the night after the battle with Sandalphon.'
We slept overnight at the onsen. Misato and I shared a room with Wondergirl...while Shinji was stuck with only that silly penguin for company.
I'd never been able to sleep well in hotel rooms...and the turbulent thoughts and feelings swirling about in my mind that night would have made sleep impossible anyway. The hot spring was nice, and helped me unwind a bit...but the dark, restless silence of that unfamiliar room, just brought everything the hot spring had temporarily quelled back with a vengeance.
At first, my thoughts were of Kaji. And what initially began as disappointment towards the man I loved...turned to hurt and anger towards the man who, after hinting he'd be watching me fight the Angel, promptly failed to be there, who never came to meet up with us at the onsen afterward...who never even bothered to call ME afterwards to see if I was alright, preferring instead to call Misato to ask how the operation had gone...and who, despite all he had done for me before, almost seemed eager to cast me out of his life, just like everyone else...just like Papa.
I remember the panic that started to boil inside of me...the way my whole body physically hurt just thinking about the possibility of having to live without him; it was all I could do not to curl into a ball and hyperventilate.
After a while though, the same defenses I'd always used at times like these came into play. And it wasn't long before the mask was back in place, as strong and proud as ever. But even then, sleep continued to elude me, and I got...desperate.
I wasn't really in the mood that night...but it wasn't the first time I done it just to distract myself, and it had always worked...until that night.
All the scenarios I tried to envision with Kaji ended with him turning and walking away.
"Asuka, you're still a child."
The memory of those words...those patronizing words, and the weary exasperation I heard behind them, despite his attempt to be patient and gentle...I heard them in a way that I hadn't at the time he'd actually said them.
'I think it only came back to haunt me then because...when he agreed to spend the day with me a few days before that...all the hopes I felt were slowly slipping away up to that point...it all came back. I managed to convince myself that 'Kaji was finally coming around'. And until I asked where he was moments before being lowered into the magma of Mount Asama, only to hear Misato's peevish reply that 'God's gift' wouldn't be there, I held onto that renewed hope...just to have it shattered all over again.'
Outwardly, my response was little more than juvenile disappointment. But even before the implications sank in, bitterness gnawed at my subconscious. That may have been one of the reasons I wanted Shinji to watch my 'Giant Stroke Entry' into the crater. I needed someone to admire me right then and there. At that moment, didn't matter if that person was the boy I kept telling myself, with increasingly thin yet stubbornly resilient determination, was unworthy of even standing in Kaji's shadow.
And with that thought...my weary, yet sleepless mind had turned towards the memory of what happened immediately after the battle with the Eighth Angel.
The magma had partially melted Unit 01's unprotected Entry Plug cover plate, and they'd had to cut the warped armor in several places just to eject the plug. While Shinji had thankfully avoided serious injury, he'd still essentially been pressure cooked alive.
'At worst, I was drenched in sweat and extremely uncomfortable. But I remembered the horrific, searing, crushing phantom pain that engulfed my leg when the Angel tore the D-type Equipment's right leg off of Unit 02.'
But Shinji...
I tried to imagine how that must have felt, from full, unprotected immersion in magma, to not being able to eject immediately afterward to escape the scalding LCL.
'Judging by the huge, hissing steam cloud that burst out of his Entry Plug when they opened it...'
I...couldn't fathom it. I'd have expected him to be a quivering, sobbing wreck. And under the circumstances, even I wouldn't have looked down on him for it that time.
'He WAS visibly shaken...but when he saw me...'
"A-Asuka! Y-You're okay! I'm...I'm so glad you're alright!"
Those were the words he spoke when he saw me. The medics were trying to lay him down on a gurney, but he was actually resisting them, despite being in pain and breathing heavily.
'Something ignited in my chest...and spread downward at the sight of that...of his...'
That smile when he saw me...it was as if nothing else mattered to him at that moment, except seeing for himself that I wasn't hurt.
'Remembering that moment, immersing myself within it...ignited the flame at last.'
And from that spark...flared a conflagration that burned for more than an hour. That single thought, rather than burning to ash...seemed to mutate, expanding with the flames as I stoked them...rising and evolving from a mere memory...to wildest fantasy.
When at last I returned to bed, it was not feeling as if I were smeared with cold, lifeless ashes.
'No...that night, I slept content amidst glowing embers until morningrise.'
It was lucky that Misato let me sleep in for a bit the next day.
'According to her, I was dead to the world...and looked as if I'd had the best sleep of my life.'
I believed her too. I'd never felt more rested.
'Of course, I still managed to make everything end on a sour note.'
Just before we began the journey home, Shinji, being who he is, made the mistake of making the same observation as Misato, most likely as an innocent conversation starter.
'His room, the one next door to ours, was directly on the other side of the bathroom wall. And despite knowing that I hadn't made much noise, I could help but remember just how thin Japanese walls are...and it made me rethink the implications of Misato's comment from earlier in the worst possible way.'
The angry red handprint I left on his face that morning didn't fade away completely until we were almost home.
Upon seeing the hurt and confusion in his eyes, it didn't take me long to realize I'd jumped the gun again, not that I ever bothered to admit my mistake afterward.
'Gott...' I look over at Shinji, a sad smile tugging at the corner of my mouth at the rush of memories, 'I've given you such a hard time for supposedly 'thinking' pervy thoughts about me in the past. While for the last few weeks, and with increasing regularity, I've been doing exactly the same thing.'
Most of those times, I still tried to think of Kaji...but, even if I succeeded until the end, it always felt...unfulfilling. I hated how thinking of Shinji instead, whether I wanted to or not, made the whole experience less of a chore...and more...of what it was meant to be.
'I guess...at first I was so resentful about it because I felt as if I'd only started favoring Shinji out of desperation...that I was somehow 'forcing' myself to view him in a more attractive light simply because, unlike Kaji, he was available.'
It made me angry at myself...and at Shinji, as if he were somehow to blame for any of what I was feeling.
'Well...in a way, I guess he was. If only by being himself...no matter how unpleasant I was acting.'
But the truth is...the only thing I was really forcing myself to do all along, was hold onto a hopeless crush as a security blanket...to prevent myself from being hurt. Not that Kaji's rejections were painless...but that hurt was familiar, and after awhile...expected.
Even now...I don't know if allowing myself to feel this way about Shinji before I fucked everything up would have been the better choice. But now...
'After all I've done...I don't think I'll ever have the chance to find out. And I hate it...'
I hate that I've most likely burned that bridge beyond repair...and that it's entirely my fault for all of it.
'And if there's one thing I hate more than screwing things up so badly that they can't be fixed...it's not having anyone else to lay the blame on.'
A small, bitter chuckle breaks my sullen silence. 'But even if you do somehow find it in you to forgive me...I don't know how I'm ever going to face you again. I still don't trust myself to be near you...at least not when you're awake.'
I wish, more than ever, that Misato would just hurry up and get back here.
'But maybe...'
I've heard...that sometimes when someone is unconscious they can...still hear other people speaking to them. And...if that's true...then...'
There's a few things I have to say...while I've still got the courage.
I slowly rise to my feet, and stand by the bed...and force myself to look down, directly at his face. I know he can't see me...but I feel that the least I can do is talk directly TO him, rather than look around at anything and everything else...even though that's exactly what I'd like to do right now.
"Hey," I begin, my voice little more than a hoarse whisper...only to realize that I don't know how to word any of the countless things I want to say.
'But I can't just walk away. I know me. When he wakes up, at best, I'll just end up running away, or clamming up.'
And at worst...
'No...that won't happen. I won't let it.'
But for now...I need to do what little I can to make things right. And maybe I can start by reassuring Shinji that the efforts that landed him here haven't been in vain.
"I..." my voice still sounds hoarse and strained. But this time, I don't let myself stop for long. "...I don't know if Misato said anything to you earlier, while I was asleep, but...well...Wond-, I mean Rei...she's injured, but...Akagi called Misato...and said she's going to be okay."
I wish I could sound happier...but...all I feel is sick. Everything...my insides...I feel like I'm dying. And I know why...
'That 'vision'...the one that tore apart that one shining moment of real happiness...it's going to come true, isn't it?'
As soon as they both wake up...I know it. I'm going to end up watching that scene play out in real life...and it's all thanks to me. I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
'At least...in that vision...he was older and so was I. We...at least had some time together before he threw me aside in favor of...'
Well, I guess I don't have much right to complain about losing something that's never even happened...and never will. Especially since whatever drove him to her probably would have been my own fault anyway.
'So...the only thing I can really do now...is stand aside.'
It's going to happen whether I do or not...so I might as well not make things harder than they are. I've done enough of that already.
"I don't blame you," I go on, "For wanting to save Rei. And...I'm not angry with you for stabbing Unit 02 in the arm."
A bitter smirk curls my lip. "It sure did hurt like hell though." Despite my words, my tone is warm. "But...I guess considering everything I've done since I met you...I suppose I had it coming. And...I know, even though you were angry...you didn't do it to hurt me. I know you're not like that. You're not..."
Suddenly there's a lump in my throat, and my eyes feel itchy. "...you're not like...me."
My fingers brush against something warm...and looking down, I see that I've been unconsciously reaching for Shinji's hand.
I freeze mid motion...but do not immediately withdraw my hand.
'I've never...not even with Kaji. At least, not in that way; it was only in the years before I started crushing on him that he held my hand.'
I move my left hand closer, my trembling palm hovering above the knuckles of Shinji's right hand.
'Maybe...just for a moment. Just to see how it feels...'
My hand slowly begin to close, the fingers brushing against the surface of the hospital bed as they curl inward...
'I...can't...'
I pull my hand away, feeling the tension in my stomach fade into a dull, hollow ache.
'It's not that I'm afraid this time. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. But...'
I've already taken enough from Shinji.
'I treated him like dirt...broke his confidence when he was most vulnerable...used him as a scapegoat for my own shortcomings...and even ruined his first kiss.'
Holding his hand would comfort me, I know it would...
'...and I don't deserve to be comforted. Not after all of that.'
"Shinji..." my voice is still strained, but clearer now than it was, "I don't know if you ended up believing anything I said over the comm channel today...but I want you to know that...I really did mean everything I said. I meant it then...and I mean it now."
I turn my gaze back his face...and that's when I notice a small lock of hair dangling down into his closed left eye.
'Well...it's not just for my own comfort this time,' I tell myself as an idea forms in my head, 'so...'
I know it's a lie...and a pitifully weak one at that...but even so, it's enough. Reaching out tentatively with my right hand...I hesitate...before at last allowing the tips of my fingers to rest on his brow.
At even this lightest of touches, electricity seems to surge up the entire length of my arm. My heart is pounding furiously...and yet seems to be skipping beats, making my head suddenly feel lighter than air.
'It's the same as that night. So this is really how it would have felt?'
I smile sadly down at my fellow pilot as brush the errant lock of hair out of his eye. "Baka...you really scared us today. Misato was beside herself and...so was I. I know I've never really acted like it, but I...I don't want you to...I'm not...I'm not ready for you to..."
I should pull my hand away. I've brushed his bangs back already...
'But his hair is...so soft...'
"I'm not...ready for you to leave!"
For a moment, I stand there in silence, shocked at my own boldness.
'Well...if I can come right out and say something like that...then maybe...'
I shake my head, dismissing the thought beginning to take shape. But I allow myself to smile wryly anyway.
"So...I guess if you heard what I said...then I guess...I guess you know the truth about me now. How I really feel..."
I pause, the next words I need to say forming a bitter lump that makes my teeth clench with revulsion. "But even so, I...know that I...I can't stand in your way anymore. So...I won't. Wondergirl...I don't like her...I never will, but...I think she'll be good for you, and good to you. Everything that I can't be, and never could," I finish in a small voice.
I stand there quietly for some time after that...still unable to keep my hand from stroking Shinji's hair.
I don't know what I expected...but I think a small, hopeful part of me was hoping he'd wake up at the end of my heartfelt ramblings...and tell me that all was forgiven and maybe...that it was okay for me be here, and maybe even...that I wouldn't have to walk away.
'Maybe you won't...but then again...'
"Time to grow up..."
An echo from that night in Misato's kitchen rises to the surface, mocking my faint hope with the reminder of my own cruel words towards the boy that had once offered me his heart.
"...that's not how life works."
'...it's not up to you anymore.'
Wanting something, anything to distract me from my thoughts, I turn my gaze to the pulse monitor.
Shinji's heart rate is steady...and unchanging; just as it has been this entire time. And I feel my heart grow heavy with hopelessness...
I don't know what feels worse...
'...the unlikelihood of Shinji having really heard a single word I said, or the knowledge that had I known for certain that he COULD hear me, I'd NEVER have had the courage to say ANY of it in the first place.'
But perhaps, despite that...
"Maybe...even if you can't hear me now...maybe this will at least help me know what to say when I can stop being the coward I always accused you of being."
In spite of everything weighing me down, my smile returns.
'Even now...you're making me smile when it's the very last thing I want to do. I just know...if anyone can make that stupid doll smile like a real person, it's you...Baka Shinji.'
"Thank you," I say quietly, but loud enough for him to hear me...if he could, "For all the times I should have said it...and failed to...thank you so much. For being patient...and not just turning away when you should have. Even if you still hate me when you wake up...thank you, for everything. And..."
There's one last thing...
"About the whole 'trying to kiss me while I was asleep'...don't EVER do something like that AGAIN!" For the first time since I started speaking to him, I raise my voice. Not by much...but enough to get the point across, if he were awake. "Dummkopf, you're better than that...and you know it!"
With that last sentence, I lower my voice, and add softly, "I know it too...and that's why..."
I bend down, softly whispering four little words I should have said nearly a month ago into his right ear. "I forgive you, Shinji."
—————————————————
This one...was one of the hardest pieces to write. I ended up scrapping and rewriting possibly as much as 2/3 of what I'd originally written.
I hope you enjoy this one...for now we return to Asuka's POV.
•12:37 AM Monday, October 19, 2015
The steady beeping of the heart monitor attached to Shinji feels to me like a numberless countdown...a ruthless marching of the time until he awakens. Each tiny beep is like a stone cast into the murky pool of dread that seems both to fill me and engulf me all at once, sending ripples through my every nerve ending.
I'm not quite sure how long it's been since Misato left the room...but it feels like hours have passed.
'What is she thinking?!' I ask myself for what seems the thousandth time. 'If I stay, and he wakes up and finds me here...'
Flashbacks of Shinji's furious rebuking fill my mind, and merge themselves with the memories of the horrid things I said THAT night...a mere four days past now.
'This is...the first time we've been alone together since then. Gott...it feels like it all happened a lifetime ago now.'
I turn my head slightly to stare at Shinji's face. The expression of his slumbering countenance, always so peaceful before, seems strained with fear.
'I wonder if it's because...he already knows that I'm here.'
A cold wave of misery washes over me at the thought.
'I shouldn't be here. I should've left, damnit!'
'...then why can't I turn away?'
The muscles in my legs won't budge, and even turning my gaze away from him takes a monumental effort...an effort that yields me mere seconds of reprieve before my eyes swivel right back.
'Who am I kidding? I'm too afraid of what will happen when he wakes up to look away.'
I can almost hear his voice, seething with hatred and disgust coming from behind if my gaze should dare to wander elsewhere. If I don't look away...at least I might have a moment to brace myself for that moment.
'But of course, that's not the only reason...'
Despite all the anxiety eating a hole through my insides, I know that if I were anywhere else right now...I'd probably just be driven mad by the maelstrom churning within me. I'm afraid to be near him. But I'm even more afraid that if I leave...I'll never see him again.
'There's a chance...that he might be discharged from NERV, or even imprisoned for defying orders. And once he's gone...that's it. If that happens, unless we both somehow survive the war, I'll probably never see him again after this.'
But considering all that's happened, and how he probably feels about me now, would I honestly want to seek him out anyway?
Somewhere in my mind, a girl wearing a yellow sundress rippling in an illusory breeze replies with a knowing smirk, "Of course you would. What are you, stupid?"
...
I guess I would; but it might take me a whole lifetime to stop being too Gottverdampt stupid to find the right words to say...or to even work up the courage to do or say ANYTHING in the first place. At this point, I'm not so sure that I trust myself not to slip up and say something that's rude at best and unforgivably cruel at worst, and the last few times it's happened, it almost felt like it happened automatically, whether it's what I really wanted to say or not.
'Or maybe that's just an excuse...'
...an excuse to cover up the fact that being near him, and feeling the way I have for the last month or so...is fucking terrifying.
'Saying the most hurtful things I could, pushing Shinji away...it was the only way I could feel safe again.'
But even then, that never stopped me from wanting to be near him all over again...wanting his attention on me...and ONLY on me...as if what I'd said and done before, or why I'd done it in this first place, never happened or didn't matter. What the hell is WRONG with me?! What kind of person forces their company on someone they know they're just going to end up hurting over and over again?!
'You know the reason why. But even though you weren't able to admit it to yourself, it was your feelings that kept you from being able to stay away from him.'
I look over at him again, and feel that same sensation that begins in my chest that is all at once so perplexing...and so addictive that I can't wait to feel it again...and again.
'When did it first happen?' I've found myself asking that question all the time lately.
'I guess...it might have been as early as September 10...the night before the final fight against Israfel. I remember feeling so disappointed when he failed to call my 'impenetrable Wall Of Jericho' bluff that night.'
But then again, it wasn't quite the same as what I feel now.
'That night, I was mostly just lonely, I think.'
Kaji had already started to make himself scarce and was failing to return any of my calls. Suddenly, I was afraid that I'd somehow made myself...undesirable.
Sure, I had the fawning admiration of the male population at school...but aside from the lot of them being unworthy to even breathe my air, I knew that their slavish devotion was nothing but a mixture of mindless lust and celebrity worship. Utterly worthless to me.
No...I'd wanted to see if I could still entice someone who'd spent time actually living with me and dealing with the real me outside the public eye. And obviously, that narrowed things down to Shinji, and Shinji alone.
Even so, while kneeling at that door, trying to resist the temptation to open it myself when he failed to take the bait, I remember that few, if any, of my frustrated emotions were directed at Kaji...though I failed to acknowledge the significance of that at the time, due to what happened next.
'When he blurted out that he'd tried to kiss me...I felt so confused. I was angry and even hurt that he'd fooled me into thinking he was better than most boys...and yet I was relieved and nearly ecstatic that someone with some significance was actually attracted to me after all.
But even more then that, I was terrified by his revelation that he'd heard me calling out for my momma.
I tried to tell myself that I was giving him the silent treatment as punishment for what he did...but truthfully, the real reason was that I was avoiding him, lest he start asking questions and discover any of the things I've spent all these years burying.
'By the end of the week though, I'd managed to convince myself that it really WAS punishment for his attempt to kiss me...and when I thought about it, I really was angry with him. And though I probably wouldn't have kept it up forever, I'm not sure I would have been satisfied with only one week...had it not been for Shinji utterly defying my expectations yet again.'
"That was it..." I say quietly to myself, "...if I could pinpoint the moment I began to feel this way, it was when..."
And the events of that day begin to replay in my mind's eye, as if the memory itself were a roll of film.
...
It was the evening of Friday, September 18, and I was returning from an outing with Hikari and a few other girls whose names aren't important enough to recall.
The moment I entered the hallway, the wave of familiar and completely unexpected odors had hit me...but I dismissed it as nothing more than homesick nostalgia, until I entered the kitchen...and saw with my own eyes what my roommate was doing; the pervert that apparently had the gall to try to kiss me in my sleep, was poring more than a little feverishly over a pan of pork schnitzel and a pot of spaetzle.
For a moment I just stood there and watched, spellbound by the aroma...and silently trying to confirm that what I was seeing was real.
After nearly a minute had passed, Shinji turned around and saw me. At first, his expression was fearful and sad, but then...he made a brave attempt at a hopeful smile.
"I was hoping to surprise you, but...well..." he faltered for a moment, before continuing, "...I know it's probably nowhere near as good as what you're used to, but...I remembered that you said you missed the food back home...so..." he trailed off, watching closely and cautiously, clearly becoming more anxious by the second.
Well...I certainly WAS surprised, not to mention immensely relieved that I decided not to eat anything substantial while I was out. But even so...
"...Why?" I asked him. It was the first word I'd directly spoken to him in a week, and I hated how soft and almost breathless my voice sounded to my own ears.
For a moment, Shinji's nervous smile vanished and he looked away, his expression one of deepest shame. I half expected him to mumble out some overwrought yet laughable attempt to win my affections; basically some more of that inane and quasi-poetic drivel right out of that mountain of 'love confession' letters I'd received from seemingly every worthless boy at my school within the first few days of my arrival.
But after a moment of silence...
"I did a bad thing to you, and...I know that this time, just saying 'sorry' is, well...pointless, to say the least. I almost kissed you when you weren't awake to stop me...of course you'd hate me for that. We're...supposed to be comrades...teammates. We're in this war together, and...we should always be able to trust and rely on one another. How could you when I did something like that?"
He heaved a deep sigh, before continuing, "Asuka, I...I don't really expect you to forgive me or anything, but...I...I felt that at least...I could show you that I...mean what I've said. And," his smile returned, sad and resigned...but genuine all the same, "This is honestly the only thing I'm really ANY good at. And even then, it's probably nothing great, but still I...I h-had to find some way to say it and show that I really mean what I've said."
The words didn't surprise me...I kind of thought he might be doing this to apologize.
No, it was the way he managed to look me in the eye, so unlike his usual shifty-eyed, stammering self, that floored me...the way he made me truly believe every word he said...the way he...made me want to forget everything else and...just...
"Well then," I replied turning and walking away perhaps a bit too quickly when I felt an unexpected, tingling warmth in my cheeks, "I'll leave you to it. And maybe..." I stopped for a moment, all the while resisting the surprisingly strong temptation to turn around, "If you REALLY manage to impress me...I MIGHT just consider forgiving you."
"Right." His reply was just that one soft, simple word. But in it...I heard the same quiet determination that first reared its head during that hellish week of synchronization training.
To be honest, I thought the uncharacteristic show of resolution from my otherwise spineless roommate would be a onetime phenomenon destined to forever eclipse any future interaction with him. But hearing that ironclad sincerity in his voice not only AGAIN, but so soon, and over something so seemingly trivial...I found that my need to maintain a cold distance was completely overridden by my disbelieving curiosity. So, I turned around to look at him once more.
It was fortunate for me that Shinji had turned his full attention back to the stove...because, try as I might (and looking back, I'm not so sure I really DID try), I couldn't suppress the idiotic smile that spread across my face...not to mention, I could tell that I must have been blushing, given how warm and tingly my face felt.
My instincts promptly began to scream at me in a frenzied panic...but for once, I found myself able to ignore them.
...
Returning to the present...I'm not at all surprised to find that I can feel that same stupid grin on my face I was wearing that day.
'How could I not? That memory...it just...'
What I felt at that moment...it was beautiful; almost as beautiful as what I was watching Shinji do. I must have stood there for nearly a minute, looking just like some besotted schoolgirl.
'Just when I thought I had you figured out...you went and pulled something like that? Well played, Baka Shinji.'
If truth be told, I think I probably forgave him right then and there, standing in that kitchen.
'Not that I ever said so...' My smile fades, as a dark curtain of bitterness descends.
After we ate that meal, I told him that I accepted his apology...but made it perfectly clear when I told him his work was 'passable for a first-time attempt, but that there was room for improvement' that my 'forgiveness' had yet to be earned.
'In truth though, it really was delicious. I'd definitely had better back in Germany...but honestly, not by much. Shinji's first time attempt was on par with a reasonably skilled cook who'd been making the dish for years.'
But...I suppose in addition to my usual stubbornness, a part of me REALLY wanted to encourage him into doing it again without having to just come out and ask...or, Gott behüte, offer a genuine compliment. And as usual, all I ended up doing was hurting his feelings.
He looked so hopeful when I said I accepted his apology, only for him to visibly shrink when I as I good as called all his efforts 'mediocre at best'. Naturally, he never tried making German food again, and he became very standoffish for the next few days...but I did notice that he started looking more intently at Wondergirl.
Perhaps...that was the real reason I went as far as showing myself off in a swimsuit and even rubbing my breasts in front of him as part of a 'thermal expansion demonstration' just to get some kind of 'rise' out of him only a few days later at the swimming pool.
I told myself afterward that I was just making him squirm for my own amusement...that it was fun for me to watch 'hopeless little boys' like him get their hopes up just to crush them if they got arrogant enough to try anything. Well...if it had been just about anyone else, that might have actually been true.
'But naturally, that excuse didn't account for how much I hated to see his attention focused elsewhere for even a moment...especially if it happened to be directed towards Wondergirl. Nor did it account for a certain 'something' that happened the night after the battle with Sandalphon.'
We slept overnight at the onsen. Misato and I shared a room with Wondergirl...while Shinji was stuck with only that silly penguin for company.
I'd never been able to sleep well in hotel rooms...and the turbulent thoughts and feelings swirling about in my mind that night would have made sleep impossible anyway. The hot spring was nice, and helped me unwind a bit...but the dark, restless silence of that unfamiliar room, just brought everything the hot spring had temporarily quelled back with a vengeance.
At first, my thoughts were of Kaji. And what initially began as disappointment towards the man I loved...turned to hurt and anger towards the man who, after hinting he'd be watching me fight the Angel, promptly failed to be there, who never came to meet up with us at the onsen afterward...who never even bothered to call ME afterwards to see if I was alright, preferring instead to call Misato to ask how the operation had gone...and who, despite all he had done for me before, almost seemed eager to cast me out of his life, just like everyone else...just like Papa.
I remember the panic that started to boil inside of me...the way my whole body physically hurt just thinking about the possibility of having to live without him; it was all I could do not to curl into a ball and hyperventilate.
After a while though, the same defenses I'd always used at times like these came into play. And it wasn't long before the mask was back in place, as strong and proud as ever. But even then, sleep continued to elude me, and I got...desperate.
I wasn't really in the mood that night...but it wasn't the first time I done it just to distract myself, and it had always worked...until that night.
All the scenarios I tried to envision with Kaji ended with him turning and walking away.
"Asuka, you're still a child."
The memory of those words...those patronizing words, and the weary exasperation I heard behind them, despite his attempt to be patient and gentle...I heard them in a way that I hadn't at the time he'd actually said them.
'I think it only came back to haunt me then because...when he agreed to spend the day with me a few days before that...all the hopes I felt were slowly slipping away up to that point...it all came back. I managed to convince myself that 'Kaji was finally coming around'. And until I asked where he was moments before being lowered into the magma of Mount Asama, only to hear Misato's peevish reply that 'God's gift' wouldn't be there, I held onto that renewed hope...just to have it shattered all over again.'
Outwardly, my response was little more than juvenile disappointment. But even before the implications sank in, bitterness gnawed at my subconscious. That may have been one of the reasons I wanted Shinji to watch my 'Giant Stroke Entry' into the crater. I needed someone to admire me right then and there. At that moment, didn't matter if that person was the boy I kept telling myself, with increasingly thin yet stubbornly resilient determination, was unworthy of even standing in Kaji's shadow.
And with that thought...my weary, yet sleepless mind had turned towards the memory of what happened immediately after the battle with the Eighth Angel.
The magma had partially melted Unit 01's unprotected Entry Plug cover plate, and they'd had to cut the warped armor in several places just to eject the plug. While Shinji had thankfully avoided serious injury, he'd still essentially been pressure cooked alive.
'At worst, I was drenched in sweat and extremely uncomfortable. But I remembered the horrific, searing, crushing phantom pain that engulfed my leg when the Angel tore the D-type Equipment's right leg off of Unit 02.'
But Shinji...
I tried to imagine how that must have felt, from full, unprotected immersion in magma, to not being able to eject immediately afterward to escape the scalding LCL.
'Judging by the huge, hissing steam cloud that burst out of his Entry Plug when they opened it...'
I...couldn't fathom it. I'd have expected him to be a quivering, sobbing wreck. And under the circumstances, even I wouldn't have looked down on him for it that time.
'He WAS visibly shaken...but when he saw me...'
"A-Asuka! Y-You're okay! I'm...I'm so glad you're alright!"
Those were the words he spoke when he saw me. The medics were trying to lay him down on a gurney, but he was actually resisting them, despite being in pain and breathing heavily.
'Something ignited in my chest...and spread downward at the sight of that...of his...'
That smile when he saw me...it was as if nothing else mattered to him at that moment, except seeing for himself that I wasn't hurt.
'Remembering that moment, immersing myself within it...ignited the flame at last.'
And from that spark...flared a conflagration that burned for more than an hour. That single thought, rather than burning to ash...seemed to mutate, expanding with the flames as I stoked them...rising and evolving from a mere memory...to wildest fantasy.
When at last I returned to bed, it was not feeling as if I were smeared with cold, lifeless ashes.
'No...that night, I slept content amidst glowing embers until morningrise.'
It was lucky that Misato let me sleep in for a bit the next day.
'According to her, I was dead to the world...and looked as if I'd had the best sleep of my life.'
I believed her too. I'd never felt more rested.
'Of course, I still managed to make everything end on a sour note.'
Just before we began the journey home, Shinji, being who he is, made the mistake of making the same observation as Misato, most likely as an innocent conversation starter.
'His room, the one next door to ours, was directly on the other side of the bathroom wall. And despite knowing that I hadn't made much noise, I could help but remember just how thin Japanese walls are...and it made me rethink the implications of Misato's comment from earlier in the worst possible way.'
The angry red handprint I left on his face that morning didn't fade away completely until we were almost home.
Upon seeing the hurt and confusion in his eyes, it didn't take me long to realize I'd jumped the gun again, not that I ever bothered to admit my mistake afterward.
'Gott...' I look over at Shinji, a sad smile tugging at the corner of my mouth at the rush of memories, 'I've given you such a hard time for supposedly 'thinking' pervy thoughts about me in the past. While for the last few weeks, and with increasing regularity, I've been doing exactly the same thing.'
Most of those times, I still tried to think of Kaji...but, even if I succeeded until the end, it always felt...unfulfilling. I hated how thinking of Shinji instead, whether I wanted to or not, made the whole experience less of a chore...and more...of what it was meant to be.
'I guess...at first I was so resentful about it because I felt as if I'd only started favoring Shinji out of desperation...that I was somehow 'forcing' myself to view him in a more attractive light simply because, unlike Kaji, he was available.'
It made me angry at myself...and at Shinji, as if he were somehow to blame for any of what I was feeling.
'Well...in a way, I guess he was. If only by being himself...no matter how unpleasant I was acting.'
But the truth is...the only thing I was really forcing myself to do all along, was hold onto a hopeless crush as a security blanket...to prevent myself from being hurt. Not that Kaji's rejections were painless...but that hurt was familiar, and after awhile...expected.
Even now...I don't know if allowing myself to feel this way about Shinji before I fucked everything up would have been the better choice. But now...
'After all I've done...I don't think I'll ever have the chance to find out. And I hate it...'
I hate that I've most likely burned that bridge beyond repair...and that it's entirely my fault for all of it.
'And if there's one thing I hate more than screwing things up so badly that they can't be fixed...it's not having anyone else to lay the blame on.'
A small, bitter chuckle breaks my sullen silence. 'But even if you do somehow find it in you to forgive me...I don't know how I'm ever going to face you again. I still don't trust myself to be near you...at least not when you're awake.'
I wish, more than ever, that Misato would just hurry up and get back here.
'But maybe...'
I've heard...that sometimes when someone is unconscious they can...still hear other people speaking to them. And...if that's true...then...'
There's a few things I have to say...while I've still got the courage.
I slowly rise to my feet, and stand by the bed...and force myself to look down, directly at his face. I know he can't see me...but I feel that the least I can do is talk directly TO him, rather than look around at anything and everything else...even though that's exactly what I'd like to do right now.
"Hey," I begin, my voice little more than a hoarse whisper...only to realize that I don't know how to word any of the countless things I want to say.
'But I can't just walk away. I know me. When he wakes up, at best, I'll just end up running away, or clamming up.'
And at worst...
'No...that won't happen. I won't let it.'
But for now...I need to do what little I can to make things right. And maybe I can start by reassuring Shinji that the efforts that landed him here haven't been in vain.
"I..." my voice still sounds hoarse and strained. But this time, I don't let myself stop for long. "...I don't know if Misato said anything to you earlier, while I was asleep, but...well...Wond-, I mean Rei...she's injured, but...Akagi called Misato...and said she's going to be okay."
I wish I could sound happier...but...all I feel is sick. Everything...my insides...I feel like I'm dying. And I know why...
'That 'vision'...the one that tore apart that one shining moment of real happiness...it's going to come true, isn't it?'
As soon as they both wake up...I know it. I'm going to end up watching that scene play out in real life...and it's all thanks to me. I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
'At least...in that vision...he was older and so was I. We...at least had some time together before he threw me aside in favor of...'
Well, I guess I don't have much right to complain about losing something that's never even happened...and never will. Especially since whatever drove him to her probably would have been my own fault anyway.
'So...the only thing I can really do now...is stand aside.'
It's going to happen whether I do or not...so I might as well not make things harder than they are. I've done enough of that already.
"I don't blame you," I go on, "For wanting to save Rei. And...I'm not angry with you for stabbing Unit 02 in the arm."
A bitter smirk curls my lip. "It sure did hurt like hell though." Despite my words, my tone is warm. "But...I guess considering everything I've done since I met you...I suppose I had it coming. And...I know, even though you were angry...you didn't do it to hurt me. I know you're not like that. You're not..."
Suddenly there's a lump in my throat, and my eyes feel itchy. "...you're not like...me."
My fingers brush against something warm...and looking down, I see that I've been unconsciously reaching for Shinji's hand.
I freeze mid motion...but do not immediately withdraw my hand.
'I've never...not even with Kaji. At least, not in that way; it was only in the years before I started crushing on him that he held my hand.'
I move my left hand closer, my trembling palm hovering above the knuckles of Shinji's right hand.
'Maybe...just for a moment. Just to see how it feels...'
My hand slowly begin to close, the fingers brushing against the surface of the hospital bed as they curl inward...
'I...can't...'
I pull my hand away, feeling the tension in my stomach fade into a dull, hollow ache.
'It's not that I'm afraid this time. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. But...'
I've already taken enough from Shinji.
'I treated him like dirt...broke his confidence when he was most vulnerable...used him as a scapegoat for my own shortcomings...and even ruined his first kiss.'
Holding his hand would comfort me, I know it would...
'...and I don't deserve to be comforted. Not after all of that.'
"Shinji..." my voice is still strained, but clearer now than it was, "I don't know if you ended up believing anything I said over the comm channel today...but I want you to know that...I really did mean everything I said. I meant it then...and I mean it now."
I turn my gaze back his face...and that's when I notice a small lock of hair dangling down into his closed left eye.
'Well...it's not just for my own comfort this time,' I tell myself as an idea forms in my head, 'so...'
I know it's a lie...and a pitifully weak one at that...but even so, it's enough. Reaching out tentatively with my right hand...I hesitate...before at last allowing the tips of my fingers to rest on his brow.
At even this lightest of touches, electricity seems to surge up the entire length of my arm. My heart is pounding furiously...and yet seems to be skipping beats, making my head suddenly feel lighter than air.
'It's the same as that night. So this is really how it would have felt?'
I smile sadly down at my fellow pilot as brush the errant lock of hair out of his eye. "Baka...you really scared us today. Misato was beside herself and...so was I. I know I've never really acted like it, but I...I don't want you to...I'm not...I'm not ready for you to..."
I should pull my hand away. I've brushed his bangs back already...
'But his hair is...so soft...'
"I'm not...ready for you to leave!"
For a moment, I stand there in silence, shocked at my own boldness.
'Well...if I can come right out and say something like that...then maybe...'
I shake my head, dismissing the thought beginning to take shape. But I allow myself to smile wryly anyway.
"So...I guess if you heard what I said...then I guess...I guess you know the truth about me now. How I really feel..."
I pause, the next words I need to say forming a bitter lump that makes my teeth clench with revulsion. "But even so, I...know that I...I can't stand in your way anymore. So...I won't. Wondergirl...I don't like her...I never will, but...I think she'll be good for you, and good to you. Everything that I can't be, and never could," I finish in a small voice.
I stand there quietly for some time after that...still unable to keep my hand from stroking Shinji's hair.
I don't know what I expected...but I think a small, hopeful part of me was hoping he'd wake up at the end of my heartfelt ramblings...and tell me that all was forgiven and maybe...that it was okay for me be here, and maybe even...that I wouldn't have to walk away.
'Maybe you won't...but then again...'
"Time to grow up..."
An echo from that night in Misato's kitchen rises to the surface, mocking my faint hope with the reminder of my own cruel words towards the boy that had once offered me his heart.
"...that's not how life works."
'...it's not up to you anymore.'
Wanting something, anything to distract me from my thoughts, I turn my gaze to the pulse monitor.
Shinji's heart rate is steady...and unchanging; just as it has been this entire time. And I feel my heart grow heavy with hopelessness...
I don't know what feels worse...
'...the unlikelihood of Shinji having really heard a single word I said, or the knowledge that had I known for certain that he COULD hear me, I'd NEVER have had the courage to say ANY of it in the first place.'
But perhaps, despite that...
"Maybe...even if you can't hear me now...maybe this will at least help me know what to say when I can stop being the coward I always accused you of being."
In spite of everything weighing me down, my smile returns.
'Even now...you're making me smile when it's the very last thing I want to do. I just know...if anyone can make that stupid doll smile like a real person, it's you...Baka Shinji.'
"Thank you," I say quietly, but loud enough for him to hear me...if he could, "For all the times I should have said it...and failed to...thank you so much. For being patient...and not just turning away when you should have. Even if you still hate me when you wake up...thank you, for everything. And..."
There's one last thing...
"About the whole 'trying to kiss me while I was asleep'...don't EVER do something like that AGAIN!" For the first time since I started speaking to him, I raise my voice. Not by much...but enough to get the point across, if he were awake. "Dummkopf, you're better than that...and you know it!"
With that last sentence, I lower my voice, and add softly, "I know it too...and that's why..."
I bend down, softly whispering four little words I should have said nearly a month ago into his right ear. "I forgive you, Shinji."
—————————————————
Ranma-sensei
Sorcerer
- Location
- Citrix Receiver
- Pronouns
- Weatherdependent
...And she straightens up to find Shinji staring at her with wide eyes. 
- Location
- Surrey
...And she straightens up to find Shinji staring at her with wide eyes.
With one sentence on his lips:
"I don't believe you."
- Location
- State of Denial
Man, I hope one way or another Shinji heard/hears Asukas admission. It'll be interesting to see his reactions and thoughts
...hopefully not that but it's a very possible outcome
...hopefully not that but it's a very possible outcome
Ranma-sensei
Sorcerer
- Location
- Citrix Receiver
- Pronouns
- Weatherdependent
Asuka: *appears behind Ranma-sensei* "Did you just call me an elephant!?"
Ranma-sensei: "Uhhhhh... No?"
*sounds of bones breaking*
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
Yeah, state of mind she's in, I'm not at all surprised Asuka immediately descends into self-loathing and flagellation.
Asuka, you making assumptions about how he feels is how you ended up in this situation in the first place!
Shinji says 'I'm sorry' so much, of course he's good at it... and you have a big enough sample set you can tell the difference when it's not just a rote repetition.
Way to screw that one up, Asuka.
You could have had an endless supply of home-cooked German-style food with just a few words of praise... instead you managed to make him give up that route and withdraw.
Because he values himself so little, and the people he cares about so much. In that moment, I have no doubt he did think nothing else mattered by Asuka's health and safety.
Timerider
That guy who really should get out more.
- Location
- The End of the World.
I really just have to give credit to Asuka here.
Unbending her pride to admit her feelings, even to herself, had to be a painful pill to swallow. And pouring her heart out to Shinji (even unconscious) was nothing short of incredible. Especially showing a willingness to bow out of Rei's path for Shinji's affections.
When I was imagining this scene before reading, I had the thought that she might try to hold his hand. But instead, not only did she refrain, she did so for Shinji's sake. Even if she couldn't resist brushing his hair. XD
Honestly this is a major contender for my favorite segment it the story. And I'm looking forward to seeing more.
Keep up the good work!
Unbending her pride to admit her feelings, even to herself, had to be a painful pill to swallow. And pouring her heart out to Shinji (even unconscious) was nothing short of incredible. Especially showing a willingness to bow out of Rei's path for Shinji's affections.
When I was imagining this scene before reading, I had the thought that she might try to hold his hand. But instead, not only did she refrain, she did so for Shinji's sake. Even if she couldn't resist brushing his hair. XD
Honestly this is a major contender for my favorite segment it the story. And I'm looking forward to seeing more.
Keep up the good work!