Veering Left (NGE Fanfic)

[Doctor Squared]

Ouch. Damn it, Asuka. He opened up to you, and you just ripped his heart out and ate it.

Click to shrink...

Eat the Shinji! Gain his power! On second thought that's a bit lewd.

Kaji can probably help Shinji deal with this, but that would sort of depend on him knowing that Misato deeply regretted breaking up with him all those years ago.

Somewhere, A&T!Shinji just had a nightmare.

Click to shrink...

"Who are you?"

"I'm the Shinji Ikari who didn't hold Asuka when she kissed him."

"Okay but who's that guy crying in the corner?"

"That's the Shinji Ikari who actually learned to swim. His greater lung capacity kept him from falling over from oxygen deprivation and Asuka tore his heart out."

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

IMPORTANT: As said in the CHRONOLOGICALLY first post of this thread (which is now Chapter 1.2), THIS is now where the story OFFICIALLY begins!


Once again, as I did on that post, I apologize for all the confusion.


Also, Chapter 1 has been renamed 'Overture'. The previous title, 'An Unexpected Left', is now the title of Chapter 2.



So...here we begin 'Veering Left' with Mr. Ryoji Kaji...and a song that speaks to his lonely, wounded soul.


"'Too late for us now?'
I sat alone, and I spoke out loud
On this darkened afternoon
The windows to my room
A solemn shutter on the world
Where I used to laugh and dream
For the first time in so long
I make my way down to the street
And watch the people as they pass

Outside, I breathe the air
And all around fall shadows of despair

I wonder, 'Is there hope for us?
A place where we can all be free?'
I wonder, 'Is there life inside a soul that dies?'
I wonder, 'Is there hope for us to lift me up?'
I don't know when I'll see the sun again
I'd like to feel alive just one more time..."



-"Hope For Us?" by Shadow Gallery


Chapter 1-Overture

•5:41 AM, Wednesday, October 14, 2015

My day starts normally enough...

Upon first awakening, I use the necessary, shower, get dressed, and after being too tired to do so last night, check my voicemail messages. And as I play the new message from yesterday morning, I am greeted by the sound of screaming.

"AAAAHHHH! Help me Kaji! Don't touch me, you pervert! AAAAHHHHHHHH!"

In sharp contrast to the 'frantic' voice of the girl in the last message, the 'female' voice of the answering machine is cool and deadpan as it states, "End of messages. You have no new messages."

I grind my palm into my face.

"That girl is going to put me in an earlier grave than my job," I sigh to myself.

At one time, I might have been genuinely frightened and run to her aid...but Asuka's done this before...with disturbing frequency. Luckily, part of my job is being able to determine deceit from truth when dealing with liars far more experienced than Asuka will ever be.

So, it's easy for me to know when she's merely trying to get my attention, though I really do wish that she'd stop crying 'wolf'.

If I were wrong that 'one time' she actually needed me, I'd never forgive myself. And when one considers how many things I already will never forgive myself for...

No...mustn't think like that right now...

Again, I sigh as I delete the message and make my way down to the street to find something for breakfast.

"I may need to sit down and have a talk with Asuka next time I see her."

Hopefully, she'll listen and I won't have to be too harsh. After all, despite the way she often acts towards other people, she really is a good kid at heart.

But right now, I have something bigger and much more troubling on my mind. My quest for the truth behind NERV, and of lesser importance, my assignment for the Japanese government, is on the verge of a breakthrough, and I am now certain that NERV's greatest secret lies within the deepest level of the base...known as Terminal Dogma.

If the information I have obtained is correct, Terminal Dogma is a gargantuan, hollow chamber, and that makes me wonder...what could they be keeping in a space large enough to accommodate an Evangelion, or multiple Evangelions, or...an Angel? Possibly even...multiple Angels? I do not know for certain.

However, it was I who delivered to NERV, or more specifically to NERV's Commander, Gendo Ikari, the remnants of the First Angel; Adam.

Adam...the creature responsible for the Second Impact, the death of half the planet, and subsequently, the creation of the Evangelions.

Some time ago, I learned that Adam is one of the keys for the Human Instrumentality project. Exactly what the project involves, however, is still a mystery.

Naturally, I am quite eager to uncover this 'project's' goal. Eager enough that I took a third job with SEELE to find out. I want to know the truth about all of this; the Second Impact, the Angels, the Evangelions, NERV, SEELE, the Human Instrumentality Project...

Why did the Second Impact happen? I found out when I first offered my services to NERV that it was Adam who caused it.

Adam...a giant, seemingly made of light, destroyed the continent of Antarctica and had some kind of aura that instantly extinguished almost every life form that made contact with it, right down to microbial life...with one miraculous exception...

And yet, both NERV and SEELE would willingly keep such a creature in close proximity to their organizations?

"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." I mutter to myself, drawing the curious attention of the person standing in front of me in line at the pastry shop.

Igorning him, though covertly eyeing him once he's turned his back, I return to my ruminations.

'When I first found Adam in NERV-Berlin, it appeared to be a tiny, embryonic creature. Hard to believe such a creature could be possible of such deadly power.'

Once I had freed it, however...

It began to regenerate rapidly, before I imprisoned it a solid block of bakelite. I'll never forget the thrill of terror I felt when the creature opened its eyes as it was growing...

And that moment...when the eye facing me swiveled frantically around the room, only to fix itself...staring unblinkingly...upon me...

'What is this? Who are you?!'

Those had been the words I had thought to myself in that horrible moment..

And yet...did I...

'Was it...MY inner voice that spoke to my mind in that vault?'

The words seemed to erupt into my thoughts almost...automatically. Almost...too quickly for my own brain to have formed the question consciously...

'And something about that particular thought felt...unfamiliar. As if...as if...'

But, forgetting about that unsettling moment, and back to more important and urgent questions...

'I wonder...is it possible, that once I delivered it here, it was allowed to regenerate further until it had regained it's original size, but was sealed in a prison tailor-made for it from the start? Or was what I took from SEELE only a small part of the whole?'

Has NERV been keeping another part of Adam locked away in their base this whole time? If their goal is to destroy the Angels, and protect the world, why not simply exterminate it? I do know that Adam's flesh was cloned to create the flesh of the Evangelions...but...do they need the living creature for that? I strongly suspect they do not.

'This Human Instrumentality Project is apparently why the creature is still alive, but...what IS this project? How does it involve Adam? My understanding is that the Angels are Adam's progeny, and are attacking us in an attempt to contact him.'

I make my purchase, and thank the female clerk, giving her a winning smile...at which she blushes.

'Cute girl', I think to myself. 'No Katsuragi though.'

And for a moment, I allow my mind to shift to more pleasant thoughts...rose-colored memories of eight years past...

Before shaking my head to clear it.

'After all...no rest for the wicked...or me...until the reaper comes knocking...'

The Angels...just what are these bizarre and deadly creatures?

They seemingly appear out of nowhere, and except for the one code-named Gaghiel, have always targeted Tokyo 3.

Once I discovered the existence of Terminal Dogma, I began to understand at least one reason why they would attack Tokyo 3...and only Tokyo 3.

But why did the ones code-named Sachiel, Shamshel, and Ramiel attack before I brought Adam...unless part of Adam had already been there the whole time.

Gaghiel's attack seemingly confirmed what I had been told about the Angels' motive, though it raised the aforementioned question of why Tokyo 3...and not Berlin, where Adam was being kept...was the target of the Angels.

It's my understanding that if an Angel makes contact with Adam...then all the remaining life on Earth will be destroyed.

So why not destroy it?

I almost wish I had betrayed NERV as well, and destroyed Adam myself. I nearly did too, but the rate it was regenerating at made it necessary to contain it.

Though, and it disgusts me to admit it, I was also...curious.

And all because I was curious, the kids who pilot the Evangelions will continue to have to fight...when I could have ended it for them.

Well maybe...

Maybe I couldn't have destroyed it...maybe I could have. But if I had, the question of why NERV wanted it...and why SEELE was already keeping it would never be answered. I'd eventually be executed by one betrayed party or the other...never knowing the true reason for the Second Impact.

I sigh bitterly. "I suppose that in a way, by letting Adam live, I've sold my own soul in this search for the truth...if I even had a soul to sell after-..."

Sitting down on the train already beginning to fill up with glum and irritable early morning commuters, I find myself thinking about the Eva Pilots...

'I've sold my soul...but I don't care about living any longer than it takes to get some more answers...'

No, it's the Pilots...Katsuragi...they're the ones who are going to be footing the bill for my ongoing quest.

I suppose at least Asuka would have forgiven me. Hell, she'd have probably hated my guts if I made the war that she'd been training her whole life to fight end before she could participate...

'Though considering her current feelings towards me...maybe that would have been better...'

Then...there's the other two; Shinji and Rei.

Rei at least seems like a natural born soldier...moreso than Asuka, due to her unquestioning and rigid obedience...something that I find horribly unnerving for a girl no older than fourteen. At least Asuka still acts like a child...no matter how much she would try to say otherwise.

But then there's Shinji...

'Why?' I think to myself, 'why would anyone in their right mind pick him to be a soldier?'

He's certainly got a strange aptitude for it...but in attitude and mentality, he's anything but a soldier...

'If this war doesn't end up killing him someday...it'll probably do something worse...'

I already worry about what it will do...and perhaps IS already doing...to Asuka, though...at least she's doing this with wholehearted enthusiasm.

'Somehow, I don't find that to be much more comforting though...'

I can only hope Katsuragi might be someone who can guide all of them through this...

Katsuragi...

'I could have spared her the curse of her own obsession. I could have avenged Shiro Katsuragi...and three billion more besides...'

I don't know that she'd have thanked me for taking her vengeance from her...but...maybe I could have saved her soul from the damnation that surely awaits mine.

Obsession...a devil if ever there was one...

But perhaps...with others under her care to protect, her priorities will change...perhaps they can help to keep her soul intact...

I snort wryly at that last thought. 'Such optimism from one already condemned...and no longer bearing the burdens of those willing to go on living.'

The extent to which I can sicken myself sometimes still surprises me.

'Well, since the Pilots and Katsuragi are going to be stuck with this mess...I might as well use this time I spend rebuking myself for something more constructive...like trying to wrap my brain around the matter at hand. So...returning to the subject of Adam...'

It's not surprising that Adam's awakening was covered up, but between Gendo Ikari's stroke of 'luck' in having departed Antarctica on September 12, 2000, the day before Second Impact, and now the fact that first SEELE and now NERV are holding Adam within their facilities...and thus risking a likely Third Impact...one has to wonder...

'Did they know?'

Were they...expecting the events of the Second Impact? And if so, did they know how to avert it, or...was that never even part of their plan?

'Could those who claim to be saving the world...be the same monsters that damned it?'

The train reaches my stop and I exit, whistling 'cheerfully' as I continue to ponder...

It seems unfathomable, that humans would be callous enough to willingly orchestrate the death of half or their own kind for...any reason.

'But in the wake of Second Impact, I saw...'

I saw humanity at it's absolute ugliest. The catastrophe brought out the best in some, but...when it brought out the worst in others...

I feel myself shiver slightly as...memories...claw faintly at the inside of my skull...scratching at the veil severing them from my waking mind with a sort of...perverse playfulness...

'Sometimes...it's so hard to remember...that there were saints among the monsters around me.'

Once things had begun to return to some degree of normalcy, the time came to dig for answers.

'I wasn't alone of course. After Second Impact, there were more conspiracy theories than there were pre-Impact religions...and conspiracy theorists weren't considered all that unusual anymore.'

Eventually, I graduated to espionage. And when my digging became overly troublesome, I was 'offered' an official career in the business. It wasn't necessarily by choice...nevertheless, I decided to jump at the chance. But knowing that I could only learn everything I wanted to know by playing for and against all the different players in this game, I ended up becoming a triple agent.

Naturally, I've long since accepted that I will not leave this 'triple career' alive, and that said career will also likely be a short one.

By stealing Adam alone, I have all but signed my inevitable death warrant. They'll find out eventually, and SEELE has killed better men than me for far less.

Still...I've devoted my existence to uncovering the truth...and there's no going back now.

But maybe, if I can find the truth, even if it costs my life and my soul...maybe then my life will have some actual meaning.

'Maybe I'll have earned the right to have survived the living hell that followed that events of that September day when all is said and done.'

After all, one of the monsters I knew in the wake of Second Impact...the one I know best of all...was me.

Just ask my brother, and all our friends.

Not that you could...I saw to that.

I sigh, "And yet, I'm taking time out of all this important business to go to a wedding reception this afternoon."

'Well, everyone needs a day off sometimes, I guess. Even the not-quite-yet-dead.'

At least I'll be able to spend some time with Ritsuko and Katsuragi today. "Might be just like old times," I laugh with just a hint of bitterness.

-------------------------------------

 

[Shane_357]

Um, I think you're going a bit over the top with your portrayal of Asuka...

 

[Ranma-sensei]

I... I think I'll go back to writing my post-Ariel thing - at least there, Asuka's too broken to care about little things like pride.

It seems unfathomable, that humans would be callous enough to willingly orchestrate the death of half or their own kind for...any reason.

Click to shrink...

Um... Are we talking about the same genus, here?

Um, I think you're going a bit over the top with your portrayal of Asuka...

Click to shrink...

He probably does... but not too much, in my opinion.

 

[Timerider]

Considering Asuka's respect for Kaji, if he finds out what she did to Shinji, his disappointment might be the final nail in the coffin for her. Asuka could brush of a lecture from Misato easily enough, but Kaji telling her what an awful person she was to Shinji could break her.

 

[Betatrack]

That reminds me: I'm expecting Misato to be furious when she sobers up and finds out what happens, as well as whatever lecture Kaji gives her. Lot's of pain in store for Asuka.

 

[Ranma-sensei]

That reminds me: I'm expecting Misato to be furious when she sobers up and finds out what happens, as well as whatever lecture Kaji gives her. Lot's of pain in store for Asuka.

Click to shrink...

I think so too - especially considering that she comes off as having a hard time relating to Asuka, in-show.

 

[Betatrack]

And the fact that she blatantly DOES favor Shinji in the show as well.

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

Alrighty, here's the second to last segment I'm posting today. This here is from Misato's POV.


•12:33 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

Well, the wedding was alright after all. And going out drinking with Kaji and Ritsuko was nice too. Too bad I've overdone it again.

'Huagh....HHUAAGH!'

Puking in an alleyway after drinking all night? Check.

A mental promise to myself never to drink again that I'll just forget or outright ignore? Check.

A hot guy named Ryoji Kaji helping me get home? Mmm, check.

"Alright Katsuragi," said hot guy says after helping me to my feet. "Let's get you up on my back. I'll carry you."

Kaji locks his arms under my knees, as I wrap my arms around his neck from behind.

He sighs with slight exasperation as a he carries me down the street towards my apartment. "Drinking until you throw up," he says admonishingly. "How old are you?"

"Ugh, old enough to regret it," I groan.

I can't see his face, but Kaji's tone softens when he says, "I'm old enough as well."

"You're damn right!", I chuckle drunkenly.

"I can't believe that you wear high heels these days. Time really does fly."

Too distracted by rubbing my arm along his unshaven cheek, I ignore his comment and respond that he should shave his sloppy face. He gives some grunt of noncommittal agreement, seemingly lost in thought.

"Hey, let me walk," I tell him, and he lowers me gently to the ground.

I thank Kaji, and continue walking, him right behind me. It may just be the alcohol, but I'm feeling troubled. Maybe...now is the time to reveal the truth to Kaji. Maybe it's time to come clean after all these years.

I turn to look at him, and feel my heart race a little. Never has he looked so handsome to me; tall, confident, with a casual, laid back sort of elegance only he could pull off, with his long, dark hair pulled back into a ponytail, and the eternal stubble on his face.

He sees me looking back and smiles, his blue eyes locking onto mine. I quickly look away as I say, "Kaji, do you think I've changed?"

"You're even prettier."

A gentle, warm touch of pleasure at the sincerity of the compliment is immediately doused by the weight of what I'm about to say.

"That's not what I meant." I steel myself, preparing to tell him..."When I told you there was someone else, it wasn't true. But you knew that didn't you?"

His answer was quick and calm. "No."

And as we walk, it all comes spilling out of me. All the regrets and the disgust I've carried for the last eight years since the day I left him.

How I panicked when I realized how much like my father Kaji was. How I ran away because I was terrified of falling in love with someone just like my father; the man I hated. How I only joined NERV to try to sever the ties with my father, only discover that he himself had been a member. How I then devoted my life to destroying the Angels to avenge my father and myself and bury all the pain.

I stop walking, hanging my head. Kaji stops in front of me, and tries to stop me from beating myself up, but I press on.

It was just an escape, and I ran to it. I ran away from the real world, and my father like a coward.

'Hell, I even had to get drunk to work up the nerve to say any of this!'

Again Kaji tries to calm me down, but ignore him. I go on that I'm an immature child, with no right to be a guardian to Shinji and Asuka.

"Enough!," shouts Kaji.

"Look at me," I cry out, so disgusted with myself, I could vomit again. "Afraid to accept a helping hand up from a man, except when I'm so falling down drunk that I don't even know what I'm doing! I'm a whore of a woman, and I'd use you!"

"Cut it out!"

"Use you, because I'm a coward! I'm pathetic-"

But my tirade is cut off. And though I continue to try to form words with which to wound myself, they are muffled beyond recognition by the lips pressed against mine.

Kaji's eyes are closed, his hands firmly clasped upon my upper arms, just below the shoulders.

For a moment, I protest weakly, mostly out of surprise. But, my mind, my soul and body are melting from the pleasure of this moment, and thus my tensions vanish and my muffled words turn to moans of lust.

Distantly, I hear the clatter of my high heels falling to the concrete as they slip from my hands.

It's just like it was eight years ago; better even. Kaji is standing by me despite my revealing how pathetic and broken I am.

He's here...his lips pressed against mine, despite seeing me at my lowest.

'God, what have been doing all these years? Why did I ever give this up? I'm a damn fool.'

And yet even as I realize this, I still hesitate to return the embrace of the man I love, halfheartedly raising, then lowering my arms.

Soon enough, the moment ends. Kaji pulls back, and smiles gently at me. I smile back...as I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him again.

This time, the kiss is aggressive, passionate, with a kind of ferocity. When his arms encircle my waist, it's like he is water to my parched throat.

And there we stand, beneath the pale halo of the street lamp, for how long, I know not.

Some time later, Kaji and I are walking out of the elevator, towards my apartment. Some of the alcohol that hadn't hit me earlier is now making it impossible for me to walk without his help.

As he helps me to my door, someone comes bursting out of it; a thin, teenage boy with a head of short brown hair, dark blue eyes, and a sensitive, almost feminine face.

"Shinji?" I say weakly.

"Hey there Shinji, can you give us a h-," Kaji starts to say.

But Shinji seems not to notice either of us as he runs past us, towards the elevator.

"Shinji!" Kaji yells angrily. "Where do you think you're going? Get back here!"

But the boy doesn't so much as turn his head.

"Shinji...wait...", I try to shout. But I know he can't hear me now.

"Asuka!," Kaji calls, sounding harried now, "get out here now!"

Asuka appears almost the moment he finishes the sentence, looking a bit panicked herself. I try my best to free myself from Kaji and stand up independently.

"Sh-Shinji wait! Come back...ow ow my head! Fuck, I can't...stand up strai- aahhh!" Finally freeing myself, I promptly lose my balance and fall to the ground.

As I watch, the elevator doors close, concealing Shinji from view, but not before I see him hunched over, banging his fist into the elevator wall, the very picture of despair.

Behind me, I can hear Kaji curtly telling Asuka to help me into the apartment and get me to lay down.

'Fuck that!' Not until I find Shinji! He's already run away once before, I can't lose him again!

I start to crawl towards the elevator, dignity be damned. I hear Asuka ask a question, Kaji answering sharply, then Kaji runs past us towards the elevators.

"Come on Misato, let's get you inside," Asuka stays, sounding uncharacteristically worried. I try to push her off as she helps me to my feet, but I'm becoming too weak from inebriation to resist as she pulls me towards the apartment.

"Kaji...wait...for me. Shinji! SHINJI!" I'm starting to cry, thinking of how it felt last time to see that empty room the first time Shinji ran away. "Not again. Please..."

Asuka leads me to my bed, dropping me gently onto the mattress, and pulling the blankets over me. The last thing I see and hear before my drunken fatigue robs me of consciousness, is her walking away, hands clutching at her face, a muffled...hiccuping like sound coming from behind her palms, before I hear the door to her room slam shut.

And with that, the darkness of sleep claims me.

-------------------------------------

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

Okay, I'm not THAT evil...THIS will be the second to last segment. This would be one hell of a cliffhanger to leave things on, so you'll be getting the first segment of Chapter 4 later as well. Though I might wait until later in the day to do the final edits on it.

So now, it's back to Kaji...


•1:06 AM

Leaving Asuka and Katsuragi, I arrive at the elevators. Unfortunately, one of the two operating cabs had broken down two weeks ago, so I'm forced to use the same one Shinji had entered.

I press the button, waiting impatiently for the cab to return. Looking up at the floor counter, I receive a surprise as well as a moment of relief; the elevator is descending downward, meaning that Shinji is still in the building...that he headed for the upper floors.

But where could he be goIng up there?

The roof, perhaps? But why?

An unpleasant thought crosses my mind.

Shinji, from what I could see as he ran by, seemed beside himself with grief. And for him to not stop to help with Misato is most unlike him.

Normally he's very kind and helpful, if also too timid and passive for his own good. For him to ignore Misato at a time when she clearly needed help...

And he's going to the roof...

'Surely, he wouldn't...he wouldn't...'

My heart begins to race. 'If I'm too late, Katsuragi will never forgive me!'

I curse at the elevator, wishing it would go faster. Reaching the top floor, I disembark, running for the 'maintenance only' door, which stands wide open. I run up the stairs two at time, and burst out of the door shed at the top.

I quickly turn my head this way and that, until...I spot him at the other end of the building...and my blood freezes.

Even as I watch, he clambers up onto the concrete ledge surrounding the roof, and stands there, overlooking the drop on the other side.

Time seems to stand still. In that moment, I quickly realize that if I make the wrong move, say the wrong thing, or even reveal myself at the wrong moment, that it will be too late.

That is, if it is not already too late.

 

[Strypgia]

It's a tall building...

 

[Always Late]

'When I first found Adam in NERV-Berlin, it appeared to be a tiny, embryonic creature. Hard to believe such a creature could be possible of such deadly power.'

Once I had freed it, however...

It began to regenerate rapidly, before I imprisoned it a solid block of bakelite. I'll never forget the thrill of terror I felt when the creature opened its eyes as it was growing...

And that moment...when the eye facing me swiveled frantically around the room, only to fix itself...staring unblinkingly...upon me...

Click to shrink...

That's a little extra detail that's... rather disturbing.

Gaghiel's attack seemingly confirmed what I had been told about the Angels' motive, though it raised the aforementioned question of why Tokyo 3...and not Berlin, where Adam was being kept...was the target of the Angels.

Click to shrink...

They only know of the Black Moon's location, and Gaghiel only attacks once Adam is in the pacific. There seems to be a geographical limitation to the angel's awareness, but that's highly speculative.

As he helps me to my door, someone comes bursting out of it; a thin, teenage boy with a head of short brown hair, dark blue eyes, and a sensitive, almost feminine face.

"Shinji?" I say weakly.

"Hey there Shinji, can you give us a h-," Kaji starts to say.

But Shinji seems not to notice either of us as he runs past us, towards the elevator.

"Shinji!" Kaji yells angrily. "Where do you think you're going? Get back here!"

But the boy doesn't so much as turn his head.

"Shinji...wait...", I try to shout. But I know he can't hear me now.

"Asuka!," Kaji calls, sounding harried now, "get out here now!"

Asuka appears almost the moment he finishes the sentence, looking a bit panicked herself. I try my best to free myself from Kaji and stand up independently.

"Sh-Shinji wait! Come back...ow ow my head! Fuck, I can't...stand up strai- aahhh!" Finally freeing myself, I promptly lose my balance and fall to the ground.

Click to shrink...

So Misato immediately tries to runs to Shinji's aid as soon as he dashes out the door.

As I watch, the elevator doors close, concealing Shinji from view, but not before I see him hunched over, banging his fist into the elevator wall, the very picture of despair.

Behind me, I can hear Kaji curtly telling Asuka to help me into the apartment and get me to lay down.

'Fuck that!' Not until I find Shinji! He's already run away once before, I can't lose him again!

Click to shrink...

And then Misato gets that glimpse of Shinji mid-breakdown and starts flipping out.

Asuka leads me to my bed, dropping me gently onto the mattress, and pulling the blankets over me. The last thing I see and hear before my drunken fatigue robs me of consciousness, is her walking away, hands clutching at her face, a muffled...hiccuping like sound coming from behind her palms, before I hear the door to her room slam shut.

Click to shrink...

I wonder if Misato is going to remember this little detail after she wakes up hungover.

Shinji, from what I could see as he ran by, seemed beside himself with grief. And for him to not stop to help with Misato is most unlike him.

Normally he's very kind and helpful, if also too timid and passive for his own good. For him to ignore Misato at a time when she clearly needed help...

And he's going to the roof...

'Surely, he wouldn't...he wouldn't...'

Click to shrink...

Oh hell.

I quickly turn my head this way and that, until...I spot him at the other end of the building...and my blood freezes.

Even as I watch, he clambers up onto the concrete ledge surrounding the roof, and stands there, overlooking the drop on the other side.

Time seems to stand still. In that moment, I quickly realize that if I make the wrong move, say the wrong thing, or even reveal myself at the wrong moment, that it will be too late.

That is, if it is not already too late.

Click to shrink...

If Shinji dies, this is going to go all the way to Gendo.
Because no matter what one's interpretation of the man is, the Unit 01 pilot is the key instrument in both SEELE and Gendo's plans for Instrumentality. Rei is the method of controlling Instrumentality, but Shinji is supposed to be the trigger. He's irreplaceable.
Misato'll likley be fired, or relieved of her responsibilities concerning the Eva pilots' wellbeing outside of combat. Misato is not only Shinji's legal guardian, but commanding officer. In both a parental and military leadership sense, this is a gross failure.
If you're of the opinion that Gendo cares about Shinji, but was intentionally distancing himself out of fear of failing to show it and 'Yui'll fix it', then Gendo'll be showing the anger and wrath his son inherited. A new tactical officer can be brought in. The old one can be erased.

If Kaji manages to talk Shinji down, there is still a possibility for all of this to unfold. Well, not the 'put a bullet in Misato's head' one, but the fact it got to the point of jeopardizing the Scenario is something that Misato'll be under scrutiny for.

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

"Mark these words
One day this chalk outline will circle this city
Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face?
A room colored charlatan
Hid in a safe

Stalk the ground
Stalk the ground"



Televators by The Mars Volta


Chapter 4-Upon The Threshold

•1:07 AM, Thursday October 15, 2015

It was all a blur...from the moment I turned and ran...to when I found myself here on the roof....

I just...I needed to get away. I need to think, to swallow the pain...

"I HATE YOU!"

'She didn't mean it,' she said. According to her, she 'overreacted'.

But then, something just as bad followed...

"I imagined that you were Kaji. And it worked for a moment."

'She used you. She can't have Kaji, so she just toyed with your feelings to get what she wanted.'

"What? You hoped some magical kiss would make me fall into your arms?"

'You even told her how you felt. And she took the heart from your chest, and stomped it into the dust.'

"Let me make this very, very clear to you Shinji. I don't love you, and I never will. I don't even like you that much, let alone find you the slightest bit appealing."

'You never had a chance...'

"You just remember what I'm about to say right now, you stupid, perverted, worthless excuse for a male! Kissing you was the most unpleasant, disgusting mistake I've ever made in my life! I wish I could go back and erase it from existence, just so I won't have to remember it! And I'd rather die than ever -"

'Ever what? Kiss me again? Look at me again? Think about me again? Does she really hate me that much?'

I remember back to when our lips met. The feeling...it was incomparable. The feel of her hands on my shoulders, the soft pressure of her mouth, the feeling of holding her in my arms. For a moment, I knew what it was to be happy. I felt...wanted...needed, knowing that her sighs of contentment were because of me...except they weren't.

The scene changes...Asuka violently shoves me away, spitting in my face to show her disgust. And from behind me emerges another; taller, older, more muscular. Asuka smiles radiantly at him. Her smile...what I've wanted to see more than anything. Why? Why can't she look at me that way? Kaji takes her into his arms, as she, turning to smirk coldly at me, wraps her arms around his neck and...

'So this is what she envisioned. This is why she didn't instantly pull away or push me away. I tighten my fists, trying to hold back the tears, and the rage. I'd never felt so happy in my life. To have it all torn away like this...and to know that I could never feel this way again...'

Needing to see open space to escape the claustrophobia of my thoughts...I look over the concrete ledge, down at the ground below.

'Huh. Well that's not even why I came up here. The roof was just the first place I thought of to run away to. I hadn't really thought about...'

But now that I'm here...

'Surely...no one could live through a fall from this height. I might not even feel anything. And then...'

I can't feel this horrible emptiness if I make it so that can't feel anything.

'Then the hurting will stop...forever...'

I know that I'm pathetic, and an idiot for even considering the idea...but that feeling...it's all I can think about now. It's like a drug...an inferno burning up everything else in it's path.

'I wonder what it would be like to stand upon the razor's edge between life and death. Maybe when I'm there, I can finally decide.'

I hoist myself up to the top of the ledge, careful not to lose my balance, and stand there, looking at the night sky above, and the ground below. If there were people around, I suppose they would point up at me, screaming at me to get down, or just stupidly shout the obvious "he's going to jump!"

I can almost see myself simply lean forward a little, and topple over, falling with arms outstretched, my eyes closed peacefully, and then...nothing.

Nothing left but an ugly stain, and a chalk outline around a broken body on the concrete.

I can recognize some of the people in the crowd. A tall, long haired, unshaven man; his face looking grim. A muscular teenage boy wearing a black track suit; his expression one of shock. Next to him, a bespectacled and freckled boy with unruly dirty blond hair; his expression a mix of curiosity at the corpse, and horrified recognition. A teenage girl, with short blue hair; her face seemingly impassive, but with a distant sadness in her odd, red eyes. A purple haired woman in a red jacket...she is the only one openly weeping.

I don't see my father there. Could he even be bothered to leave NERV headquarters if heard that his own son had killed himself? A part of me...feels sure he wouldn't bat an eye at the news...the only words spoken, a cold order to find my replacement.

But there is...one more in this imaginary crowd of onlookers. A beautiful, red haired teenage girl, clearly foreign...and just as clearly, not the least bit saddened by the scene in front of her.

Indeed, she is trying and failing to hold back scornful laughter.

Then she turns to look at me. Not the bloody mass on the ground...but the real me...

"What are you waiting for, stupid Shinji? Go on. Take that step. You really want to make me happy? This is the best thing you can do. There's nothing else of value you can offer me." Her vicious grin widens. "So just end your worthless life. Give me something to laugh about. A reason to smile when I think about you, Shinji..."

No.

'I won't!'

I feel my face contorting into a snarl of rage.

'I won't give you the satisfaction!'

And I bend my legs at the knees, so that I can climb back down onto the roof, out of harm's way.

'I'll go on living. If necessary, just to spite you, Asuka!'

And...I think of Misato...I don't know how upset she'd be, really, but...she cares about me more than anyone else ever has, so...if it would make her unhappy in any way...

'I don't want to take that chance that it would. I don't know if it's just me being arrogant...or too much of a coward to take the plunge and just making excuses to back out...but I don't want to take the chance.'

The realization of what I nearly did begins to hit me. As wave after wave of misery, shame, and confusion rages through my mind, I sit down, my back against the ledge, burying my face in my knees and clutching furiously at my hair.

So lost in turmoil am I, that I fail to see the man approaching me.

-------------------------------------

 

[MisterHalt]

Holy crap, the feels.

Because no matter what one's interpretation of the man is, the Unit 01 pilot is the key instrument in both SEELE and Gendo's plans for Instrumentality.

Click to shrink...

I thought Gendo didn't need Shinji at all except as an extra pilot. He only needs Rei, Lilith and Yui inside Unit-01's core. Shinji's 'only' there because Unit-01 stopped accepting Rei.

 

[Always Late]

Chapter 4-The Dividing Line

Click to shrink...

Geez, how much do you have ready to go out?
You know you're gonna spoil us for future updates, right?

'I wonder what it would be like to stand upon the razor's edge between life and death. Maybe when I'm there, I can finally decide.'

Click to shrink...

Kid, as someone who was there a few years ago, standing on the ledge does not help you decide one way or the other. That's on other factors.

"What are you waiting for, stupid Shinji? Go on. Take that step. You really want to make me happy? This is the best thing you can do. There's nothing else of value you can offer me." Her vicious grin widens. "So just end your worthless life. Give me something to laugh about. A reason to smile when I think about you, Shinji..."

No.

'I won't!'

I feel my face contorting into a snarl of rage.

'I won't give you the satisfaction!'

And I bend my legs at the knees, so that I can climb back down onto the roof, out of harm's way.

'I'll go on living. If necessary, just to spite you, Asuka!'

Click to shrink...

Aaaaand the Asu-Shin ship just got citadeled. That kind of spite lasts.

And...I think of Misato...I don't know how upset she'd be, really, but...she cares about me more than anyone else ever has, so...if it would make her unhappy in any way...

'I don't want to take that chance that it would. I don't know if it's just me being arrogant...or too much of a coward to take the plunge and just making excuses to back out...but I don't want to take the chance.'

The realization of what I nearly did begins to hit me. As wave after wave of misery, shame, and confusion rages through my mind, I sit down, my back against the ledge, burying my face in my knees and clutching furiously at my hair.

So lost in turmoil am I, that I fail to see the man approaching me.

Click to shrink...

So Shinji still feels affection to Misato, and he's about to have a talk with Kaji.

I thought Gendo didn't need Shinji at all except as an extra pilot. He only needs Rei, Lilith and Yui inside Unit-01's core. Shinji's 'only' there because Unit-01 stopped accepting Rei.

Click to shrink...

Rei doesn't get a high enough synch score to really do the type of combat required. Shinji would have been phased out by the Dummy Plug, as that puts the Eva into a kind of controlled instinctual state, but when that fell through he was back on.
There's both killing the angels and activating Instrumentality as criteria here. Fortunately for Gendo/SEELE, they're simultaneously satisfied by the same conditions... in theory.

 

[RedDestroyer1361]

Geez, how much do you have ready to go out?
You know you're gonna spoil us for future updates, right?

Aaaaand the Asu-Shin ship just got citadeled. That kind of spite lasts,

Click to shrink...

Yeah, you're right. Chapter 3 was fairly short though. Chapter 4 is nearly twice it's length, Chapter 5 is significantly longer than Chapter 4, and Chapter 6...is currently about one-third of the entire amount of what I have written thus far (I believe there are actually more words in Chapter 6 ALONE than have already been posted here)...and it's still not done!

And...I wouldn't say it completely out of the question, even now. It may not be for awhile, but remember this...sometimes actions speak louder than words.

But I should also say that things aren't going to be improving very much for some time.

 

[Always Late]

And...I wouldn't say it completely out of the question, even now. It may not be for awhile, but remember this...sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Click to shrink...

It's gonna take a whole lot of very signifigant actions for Asuka to work her way back up to where she was before, much less a relationship.

But I should also say that things aren't going to be improving very much for some time.

Click to shrink...

Hooray for depression!

 

[Timerider]

'I'll go on living. If necessary, just to spite you, Asuka!'

Click to shrink...

That is going to hurt.
Hatred and vitriol are not natural to Shinji's character. At least in the long term. Short bursts of anger, perhaps, (as supported by cannon) but not sustained animosity. After an episode like this however...
Cold shoulders, poisonous glares, harsh, brutal, and penetrating words. Shinji is going to start channeling his inner Gendo completely focused solely on Asuka. What makes this even more depressing is how this will affect every aspect of their day-to-day routine. Before this Shinji waited on Asuka almost hand and foot. Cooking, cleaning, laundry. Part of that was, admittedly, partly him being a pushover, but it was established earlier in the story that Shinji did at least some of those things out of care and affection for Asuka. Now that this is no longer the case, I foresee a lot of a "do it yourself" attitude coming from Shinji. Needless to say, this will drive the knife even deeper for Asuka as she realizes such how much Shinji has been doing for her up to this point. Like the old saying to not offend the service crew, except it's worse. This caretaker did his job out of love, and just had that love spat on in the cruelest way possible.

And...I wouldn't say it completely out of the question, even now. It may not be for awhile, but remember this...sometimes actions speak louder than words.

Click to shrink...

If Asuka ever tries to apologize and make up for what she did, then "uphill battle" does not even begin to describe what she's in for. Shinji is currently (and will likely be for the foreseeable future) in the mood to throw anything she does back in her face. A taste of her own medicine. I wonder if Asuka will note the irony of having to push past her own tactics.

Now just to make clear, I want to see a happy ending. I BELIEVE that Shinji and Asuka can pull through this and end up together. That being said, I understand this will be hard. But all the same, I am a firm supporter of Earn Your Happy Ending. So with that out there, I would like to leave you all with a note of hope. Enjoy.

 

[Dealer]

Asuka's not going to work her way back up to anything at this point, after torpedoing literally every positive relationship she has for reasons I'm still not convinced isn't her being possessed by a spiteful ghost. We already saw what happened in canon when she felt Shinji and Kaji both rejected her. Plus, this is right around the time Shinji's sync rate beat hers, so unless something crazy happens to tank that, Asuka's heading for a tailspin even harder than she did in canon.

Betting she either bites it against Leliel or ends up in the bathtub by Zeruel.

If she lasts to Arael that's it, game over.

 

[rapier108]

Another great update.

I guess we have to wait a week to see how Kaji handles this one.

 

[Strypgia]

It's gonna take a whole lot of very signifigant actions for Asuka to work her way back up to where she was before, much less a relationship.

Click to shrink...

You're right, this is going to be a loooooong climb up out of the pit she just dug herself into. But given what we've seen of Asuka's internal debate, she might be eady to start doing that. We know at least some of herself was ready to admit (if only internally) that she really liked kissing Shinji and the idea of doing so more, of a relationship, made her happier than she'd been in forever. It was insecurity-fueled panic over the idea of him leaving her that caused her freakout, after all.

That very strength of feeling could still get her to start the road back, but first she'll have to face those fears that started it, and admit she wants to walk that road. Both of those are things Asuka never managed in canon...

 

[rapier108]

The issue would be how Kaji and Misato handle her. If they lecture her, she may fight back out of resentment.

 

[WC-83]

When I read the chapter when Asuka broke Shinji and he ran off with Misato screaming after him, I thought
"Man, not only did Asuka ruin her happy ending, Shinji's happy ending, but she might have just ruined Misato's too XD"

 

[Ranma-sensei]

Hooray for depression!

Click to shrink...

Mind if I quote you on that?

 

[Always Late]

Mind if I quote you on that?

Click to shrink...

That's a good enough summary of the fic so far, sure.