Chapter 2.3 10/14/2015 (11:18 PM)
- Location
- United States
Alright fellas, are you ready for this? Because, here it comes!
This...this here is the TRUE diversion point. Obviously, we saw what happens in Asuka's POV...but it was Shinji's actions that have made the change. Shinji 'veered left' at the crossroads of his destiny...and this is the beginning of a new pathway.
So...I hope you all enjoy this as much as I loved writing it.
Here it goes
•11:18 PM
After returning from the market an hour ago, I had sat down at the kitchen table to read a manga Kensuke had lent to me.
Meanwhile, Asuka, judging by the sound of running water from the bathroom when I had walked in the door...had STILL been in the shower!
She'd been in there since a quarter to ten...around the same time I'd left to go to the only reasonably nearby store I knew of that had a decent variety of Western foodstuffs. Thankfully, they stay open late...
I was a little concerned that she was still in there when I got back an hour later. I almost...went to check on her...
Asuka taking a long time in the shower is nothing too new...but this time was longer than usual...
But knew that I'd probably be signing my death warrent by doing so...
So I let her alone.
About twenty some minutes after I'd walked in the door with my purchases, the water finally shut off, and I heard her walk out. And I found myself feeling relieved...both that she was alright, and that I had avoided making a suicidal move for nothing.
Looking over at the the clock, I see that it is now 11:20.
Misato has been out for awhile now...
Surely the wedding must be over by this point. But, if it isn't...I wouldn't be surprised if Misato decided to stay until they threw her out, just so she could take full and complete advantage of the open bar.
I sigh, rolling my eyes. "I just hope she doesn't overdo it...again," I mutter bitterly, remembering the the two weddings that she attended earlier this year...
The first one, on June 16 (exactly one week after I'd first arrived in Tokyo 3) had ended with Misato having to crash at Ritsuko's place, and she'd arrived back home at about 5am the following day, still not entirely sober. I'd been more worried than annoyed that time.
The second time...had been a little more harrowing. August 15, two weeks and a day before I met Asuka, Misato hadn't crashed elsewhere...but I found myself wishing that she had.
Before, I had found myself missing Misato when she'd slept off her drinking at Ritsuko's. But I soon discovered that it was better for my own health and sanity NOT to have to deal with her when she was completely blitzed to hell.
That night...an unusually hot and uncomfortably humid one, even by the standards of post-Impact Japan's actual summer...at about ten pm, I was summoned to the door over the intercom by a slightly panicky Maya Ibuki begging for help with Misato.
Opening the door, I was greeted by a sweaty and exhausted Maya...and a near catatonic Misato...who promptly vomited...all over the doorstep. Getting THAT out of the groove the door slides on had proven to be the least frustrating aspect of that evening.
Aside from cleaning up all the vomit...and by god there was a fucking metric ton of...something...inside that woman's stomach...
I also had to deal with Misato herself...
She oscillated between gleefully (and horribly) singing mangled karaoke songs...and crying uncontrollably. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I preferred the latter. At least I didn't need to clamp my hands over my ears to keep them from bleeding...
Worse though, was where she had gone almost completely quiet...
Her breathing had slowed rapidly...first becoming eeirily shallow and slow...then...just as disquietingly...ragged and irregular.
I then noticed how cold her skin was becoming...and began to remember something from a mandatory anti-drug seminar that my class had attended back in elementary school...
They had, after all, covered the symptoms of alcohol poisoning.
While waiting for the ambulance...something truly disturbing had happened.
Misato began to mumble incessantly. Most of it was incoherently slurred, but I was able to pick out a few words here and there...
"Help..."
"It's killing everyone..."
"Everyone's dead...oh god"
"I can't breathe...so much blood..."
"What are you?"
"Why..."
"Dr. Ångström is..."
"Daddy..."
"Chest...torn open...losing so much bl-"
But that last bit had been silenced by something worse.
Misato's face had suddenly contorted into a mask of horror...and she began to scream; horrible, bloodcurdling cries of terror, while clamping her hands desperately over her ears like a vice.
In between wordless shrieking, she screamed "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Even after I obediently and fearfully fell silent, she kept on screaming at...someone...or something...that I couldn't see or hear.
Just as the paramedics has burst in...she had begun to sob, still clamping her hands over her ears, begging, "someone, anyone...make it stop, please!"
I spent that night in the hospital, waiting by Misato's side.
Mercifully, she was silent from that point on. And when she woke up, she was more less back to normal...albeit rather embarrassed to have needed to go to to hospital...and apologetic towards me.
"Ugh...looks like I really overdid it, huh?"
"............."
She had turned to me with a rather impish grin and said, "luckily, I have such a virtuous knight in shining armor by my side to look after me."
I must have blushed at that, because Misato giggled a little, the way she always does when she gets a rise out of me with her teasing.
With a small sigh, she went on, "you're a good kid Shinji. Don't ever change."
"R-right."
We were both quiet for awhile after that.
Then she said, much more seriously then before, "I'm...sorry Shinji."
"Huh?"
"You must've had a rough night, thanks to me. I'm really sorry to have put you through that."
'As you should be', I thought bitterly to myself.
But I was also ashamed of feeling that way...after all, most of me was just relieved that Misato was alright.
"N-no problem."
"I....uh, hope I wasn't too much trouble."
"..........."
"Shinji?"
"U-uh n-no M-miss Misato. Y-you were f-fine."
She had smiled at that.
Though...
She was quiet for a long time, and spent the next few minutes staring at the ceiling...her expression seemed pensive...and kind of sad...ashamed maybe...
When we left several hours later, she was more subdued than usual. And when we arrived home, and saw the vomit I hadn't been able to clean yet, she insisted on cleaning it up herself.
It was strange, to say the least...though not as strange as what happened next.
Over the next few weeks, there was a small...but noticeable nonetheless decrease in the number of beer cans I routinely cleaned up. And after about a month, the brand began to change...
The Yebisu cans were gradually by steadily replaced by Boa cans...
I knew the latter brand to be somewhat more expensive...so I guess that's why there was a decrease.
Though...that wouldn't explain the initial decrease in Yebisu cans...
'Maybe even Misato is capable of some self-control?'
I smile a little at that.
'Also...at least Kaji AND Ritsuko are both there to look after her this time.'
Hopefully, if they do bring her back here, they'll only do so knowing that she'll be alright afterwards.
'Ah well. Here's hoping...'
Just as my mind begins to focus on the manga once more, a loud noise interrupts...
The phone is ringing.
'Probably Misato,' I think to myself, as I walk over to answer the call.
Sure enough, when I pick up the phone, a familiar and rather slurred voice says, "Hey, Shinji? It's me."
"Hi," I respond, wondering wryly...and not without a touch of apprehension...just how many drinks she's had tonight.
"I'm gonna be out drinking with Kaji," she continues. "Don't wait up for me, okay?"
'Well, can't say I didn't see that coming.'
"Okay."
"And don't get to bed too late, alright?"
'Maybe you should listen to yourself once in awhile.'
"Right. Yeah. Sure." And with that, I end the call...hoping that this time, she'll at least spare me an evening at the hospital.
As I hang up the phone, I hear Asuka enter the room.
"Hmm, Misato?", she inquires.
"Yeah. She'll be late, so don't wait up for her."
At these words, she looks mortified. "What? You mean she won't be back until tomorrow morning?"
"I doubt it, she's going out with Kaji."
She looks at me with mingled frustration and incredulity. "Are you dense? That guarantees it!"
It doesn't take long for me to get the picture. So Asuka must think Misato and Kaji are going to spend the night together.
And given how she feels about Kaji...
I look over at her. She's sitting at the table, her head buried in her folded arms.
Walking over to her, I ask, "Asuka, what's wrong?"
She just groans inarticulately in response.
"Uh, I- um, hope you feel better soon."
She says nothing and doesn't even indicate that she heard me at all. Now I know for sure that this is really bothering her. Normally, she'd have probably yelled at me to 'fuck off.'
Is she really in so much pain over this, that she's not even bothering to lash out at me?
I guess I shouldn't really feel sorry for her, but...I know how she must be feeling.
After all, I know what it's like to want someone who will never want you in return...
I wonder if I should say something more...and really try...to help her feel better.
I walk over, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder...then immediately withdraw it, remembering what happened last time.
'Why bother?'
Why not let her stew in her misery?
You're not obligated to help her!
And she'd never do the same for you, probably just laugh at you and call you an idiot like she always does. Besides, it might be for her own good anyway. It might help her get over this stupid obsession with Kaji...
I glare down at her, feeling a mixture of grim satisfaction...and guilt for feeling that way.
'Still,' I think to myself, 'she's still a human being like me, and she has feelings. I know she'll probably just blow me off, but...I should at least TRY to say something to help her feel better.'
But what?
In the end, my nerve failed me, and I let her sit there being miserable.
Part of me feels disgusted, but...I don't even know what I would've said anyway...
'How can I help?'
I have no answer for that.
So, I do what I normally do when the world throws an unsolvable problem my way...and retrieve my SDAT player.
Plugging into the music and reading the manga, I tune out the ugly, confusing world around me...except for a red needle jabbing at the corner of my eye.
Glancing sideways, I see that Asuka hasn't moved at all, and wonder if she's fallen asleep.
Either way...deciding that she won't be looking up any time soon, I take the rare opportunity to actually look at her without fear of painful retribution.
"She really is beautiful," I think to myself. Even when she's at her lowest, I just can't help but look at her.
A sentiment that quickly evaporates when I see her stirring, and beginning to raise her head.
I hurriedly bury myself in the manga again, noticing as I do so...that her eyes are fixed upon me.
I spend the next several minutes trying my best to act as if I don't notice her gaze...wondering if she noticed me looking at her...
And if I'm about to get punished for daring to do s-
"...-ji, you wanna kiss me?"
What...?
I just imagined that...right?
"Huh? What?!"
"Kissing...you know," she responds. "Have you ever done it?"
Nope, that's what she said...I'm definitely not hallucinating, but...
I'm so dumbfounded, that I'm unsure whether or not vague memories of kissing my mother counts when it comes to answering her question.
In my confusion, I nod my head while at the same time saying "uh uh" to state, truthfully that I haven't kissed a girl my age.
Seemingly untroubled by the dubious answer, Asuka sits straight up in her chair, a oddly...avid...look on her face.
"So, let's do it."
I recoil in surprise...as well as fear.
What the hell is happening?
What game is she playing now?! I'm terrified of finding out.
"Uh? But why?"
"I've got nothing else to do," she responds loftily.
Just boredom then?
I guess I should have seen that coming.
"That's your reason? You're weird."
I expect her to give it up, but with a smug expression, she says, "Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mom's death?"
Her voice takes on a mock baby tone. "Is she watching you from up in heaven?"
That's a low blow even for her...
But, managing to keep my composure and swallow the spark of rage ignited by her slight about my mother, I simply respond, truthfully, "That's not it."
'I just don't want to play your stupid game,' I think bitterly.
"Or," she turns to look right at me, smirking, "are you scared?"
Something in my heart hardens...and I feel the anger I held back at first rise and uncoil like a rearing cobra.
I don't know why I'm taking the bait now, when I know I'm falling right into her hands.
Maybe, I just don't care anymore.
Maybe, I just want to shut her up.
Maybe the only way to do that is to play along. Either way, I'll show her!
Glaring at her, I rise to my feet. "I'm not afraid! Pucker up!"
"Right," she responds, sounding oddly eager and maybe...relieved?
"Did you brush your teeth?"
I nod my head. "Yeah."
"Then here I come." And she walks brazenly towards me, until she stands directly in front of me.
For a moment, she does nothing, staring blankly at me. She seems almost...unsure?
Then, slowly, she leans towards me...and I feel my face growing hot.
A fog seems to gather in my brain, and I suddenly can't remember where we are.
'This is a dream,' I think wildly. 'This a dream, and I'm going to wake up any moment now!'
I shut my eyes, bracing myself for the moment I am torn away from this fantasy, and fall back into reality. It's unusually realistic this time...
I open my eyes. Asuka's cerulean irises look back at me.
This is real?
'This is REAL?!'
Asuka's next words snap me out of my moment of uncertainty. "Stop breathing, it's tickling me."
My eyes widen at the words...and before I can even respond, the fingers of her right hand pinch my nose shut, hard.
And she closes the remaining distance, until our lips...meet.
I've only ever seen this happen in my dreams, but this isn't at all like I hoped it would be.
The kiss is clumsy and uncomfortable, and not just because my nose is clamped shut.
But, I still don't...want it to stop. This could be my chance. My chance to show her...to tell her...
I'm feeling...something.
A sense of vertigo, seeping into my brain, filling it with static, freezing the air in my chest, and making my legs wobble beneath me...
Oh, right...oxygen deprivation.
My hands are contorting at my sides as I struggle to breathe without breaking the kiss.
'Think, dammit, THINK! You have two free hands here, DO SOMETHING WITH THEM! DO SOMETHING BEFORE YOU PASS OUT OR DIE OR WORSE, BREAK THE KISS!'
Suddenly, it hits me. I know what I need to do.
The memory of what I've seen in movies is clear in my otherwise blank mind.
Embrace her.
Show her you want this.
'And for crying out loud, pull her hand off your nose!'
But, I'm afraid.
I'm too scared.
She'll break the kiss herself and then kill me for 'being a pervert!'
Then that'll be it. She'll never kiss me again, and she'll hate me more than ever.
M-maybe if I just wait it out, she'll be the one to embrace ME...to let me know it's okay to do the same to her.
'And what if she doesn't?', the voice inside questions. 'What if...? What if she's waiting for YOU to show HER it's okay to embrace you?'
But that's impossible!
She'd never want that from me!
And if she does, why can't SHE show it? Why can't SHE just be open about it?
'I don't know', the voice responds. 'But I think you should try. If this is a once in a lifetime chance...then you have nothing to lose.'
Seriously, have you not felt her right hook before?! This has DEATHWISH written all over it!
'THEN MAYBE, JUST THIS ONCE, ITS WORTH THE RISK! Now start by raising your left hand, and...'
My left hand firmly removes her right from my nose, and continues to hold it gently by the palm.
Curiously, despite taking a deep breath and then exhaling through my nose directly into Asuka's face, she does NOT break the kiss, nor give any sign of wanting to.
Almost instinctively, I feel my right arm rise tentatively, and encircle her slender waist.
For a moment, I just feel...numb.
Did I just...
Did I do that?
Was that...me?
Is this me?
Is this her?
Are we really...
Are we...doing this?
Then, it starts to all come together in my mind.
And with that revelation...comes a feeling I'd only thought possible in dreams.
Only...more wonderous then could have been dreamed of.
It's more that just the sensation of our mouths pressed together and our bodies standing so close...and even more than just the...uh...stirring...I feel at the base of my abdomen.
It's...completion.
The tension inside of me...once the chains that helds me fast...once the ache that crippled me...is now the wind within my wings as I rise above my prison...the ceiling of iron grey clouds that had once made me hide in fear of the storm to come.
That same fire I felt when playing the cello is consuming every nerve...every thought...every beat of my racing heart...every emotion pouring from my soul is wreathed in the warm glow.
I no longer see the room...the floor...the walls...
There is only her...
There is only me...
There is only...us.
I take in her every feature in a way I never have before...
Her thin yet shapely form...graceful and elegant...her face; so full of confidence and so beautiful as to make one look twice...her red hair; exotic, fragrant with the odor of strawberry and balsam, always flaring out and seeming to glide tantalizingly in even the gentlest wind...her eyes; cerulean, usually cold and forbidding, but when she smiles, shining like the ocean's surface in the evening sun.
If this moment should end...and I know it must at some time, that is what I want to see most...a smile from her.
If I can see that just once more, I'll never want for anything else in this world.
It's then that I feel her left hand on my shoulder.
I feel it's gentle heat through my t-shirt.
I can also feel it trembling, as if she's unsure if it belongs there. I squeeze her right hand gently to let her know that it's okay, and the trembling subsides.
And slowly, she pulls her hand free from mine, and places it on my other shoulder.
And...pulling even closer together when my left arm joins the other at her waist, we stand there...lost in the moment...for how long, I do not know.
Suddenly, I feel her murmuring beneath the kiss, and her body begins to tense up.
The gentle weight of her hands on my shoulders becomes greater as she begins to clench them fretfully.
Opening my eyes, I see that her eyes are closed tightly in an expression of...
Terror?
Disgust?
I step back, releasing her waist...
And our lips are parted...
For a moment, her arms are aloft right where they held my shoulders, seeming to almost...reach out plaintively...before they drop to her sides...and clench into fists.
And before I can say anything...
Or even start to form the words in my mind...
She opens her mouth in a scream, and three words emerge...
"I HATE YOU!"
This...this here is the TRUE diversion point. Obviously, we saw what happens in Asuka's POV...but it was Shinji's actions that have made the change. Shinji 'veered left' at the crossroads of his destiny...and this is the beginning of a new pathway.
So...I hope you all enjoy this as much as I loved writing it.
Here it goes
•11:18 PM
After returning from the market an hour ago, I had sat down at the kitchen table to read a manga Kensuke had lent to me.
Meanwhile, Asuka, judging by the sound of running water from the bathroom when I had walked in the door...had STILL been in the shower!
She'd been in there since a quarter to ten...around the same time I'd left to go to the only reasonably nearby store I knew of that had a decent variety of Western foodstuffs. Thankfully, they stay open late...
I was a little concerned that she was still in there when I got back an hour later. I almost...went to check on her...
Asuka taking a long time in the shower is nothing too new...but this time was longer than usual...
But knew that I'd probably be signing my death warrent by doing so...
So I let her alone.
About twenty some minutes after I'd walked in the door with my purchases, the water finally shut off, and I heard her walk out. And I found myself feeling relieved...both that she was alright, and that I had avoided making a suicidal move for nothing.
Looking over at the the clock, I see that it is now 11:20.
Misato has been out for awhile now...
Surely the wedding must be over by this point. But, if it isn't...I wouldn't be surprised if Misato decided to stay until they threw her out, just so she could take full and complete advantage of the open bar.
I sigh, rolling my eyes. "I just hope she doesn't overdo it...again," I mutter bitterly, remembering the the two weddings that she attended earlier this year...
The first one, on June 16 (exactly one week after I'd first arrived in Tokyo 3) had ended with Misato having to crash at Ritsuko's place, and she'd arrived back home at about 5am the following day, still not entirely sober. I'd been more worried than annoyed that time.
The second time...had been a little more harrowing. August 15, two weeks and a day before I met Asuka, Misato hadn't crashed elsewhere...but I found myself wishing that she had.
Before, I had found myself missing Misato when she'd slept off her drinking at Ritsuko's. But I soon discovered that it was better for my own health and sanity NOT to have to deal with her when she was completely blitzed to hell.
That night...an unusually hot and uncomfortably humid one, even by the standards of post-Impact Japan's actual summer...at about ten pm, I was summoned to the door over the intercom by a slightly panicky Maya Ibuki begging for help with Misato.
Opening the door, I was greeted by a sweaty and exhausted Maya...and a near catatonic Misato...who promptly vomited...all over the doorstep. Getting THAT out of the groove the door slides on had proven to be the least frustrating aspect of that evening.
Aside from cleaning up all the vomit...and by god there was a fucking metric ton of...something...inside that woman's stomach...
I also had to deal with Misato herself...
She oscillated between gleefully (and horribly) singing mangled karaoke songs...and crying uncontrollably. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I preferred the latter. At least I didn't need to clamp my hands over my ears to keep them from bleeding...
Worse though, was where she had gone almost completely quiet...
Her breathing had slowed rapidly...first becoming eeirily shallow and slow...then...just as disquietingly...ragged and irregular.
I then noticed how cold her skin was becoming...and began to remember something from a mandatory anti-drug seminar that my class had attended back in elementary school...
They had, after all, covered the symptoms of alcohol poisoning.
While waiting for the ambulance...something truly disturbing had happened.
Misato began to mumble incessantly. Most of it was incoherently slurred, but I was able to pick out a few words here and there...
"Help..."
"It's killing everyone..."
"Everyone's dead...oh god"
"I can't breathe...so much blood..."
"What are you?"
"Why..."
"Dr. Ångström is..."
"Daddy..."
"Chest...torn open...losing so much bl-"
But that last bit had been silenced by something worse.
Misato's face had suddenly contorted into a mask of horror...and she began to scream; horrible, bloodcurdling cries of terror, while clamping her hands desperately over her ears like a vice.
In between wordless shrieking, she screamed "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Even after I obediently and fearfully fell silent, she kept on screaming at...someone...or something...that I couldn't see or hear.
Just as the paramedics has burst in...she had begun to sob, still clamping her hands over her ears, begging, "someone, anyone...make it stop, please!"
I spent that night in the hospital, waiting by Misato's side.
Mercifully, she was silent from that point on. And when she woke up, she was more less back to normal...albeit rather embarrassed to have needed to go to to hospital...and apologetic towards me.
"Ugh...looks like I really overdid it, huh?"
"............."
She had turned to me with a rather impish grin and said, "luckily, I have such a virtuous knight in shining armor by my side to look after me."
I must have blushed at that, because Misato giggled a little, the way she always does when she gets a rise out of me with her teasing.
With a small sigh, she went on, "you're a good kid Shinji. Don't ever change."
"R-right."
We were both quiet for awhile after that.
Then she said, much more seriously then before, "I'm...sorry Shinji."
"Huh?"
"You must've had a rough night, thanks to me. I'm really sorry to have put you through that."
'As you should be', I thought bitterly to myself.
But I was also ashamed of feeling that way...after all, most of me was just relieved that Misato was alright.
"N-no problem."
"I....uh, hope I wasn't too much trouble."
"..........."
"Shinji?"
"U-uh n-no M-miss Misato. Y-you were f-fine."
She had smiled at that.
Though...
She was quiet for a long time, and spent the next few minutes staring at the ceiling...her expression seemed pensive...and kind of sad...ashamed maybe...
When we left several hours later, she was more subdued than usual. And when we arrived home, and saw the vomit I hadn't been able to clean yet, she insisted on cleaning it up herself.
It was strange, to say the least...though not as strange as what happened next.
Over the next few weeks, there was a small...but noticeable nonetheless decrease in the number of beer cans I routinely cleaned up. And after about a month, the brand began to change...
The Yebisu cans were gradually by steadily replaced by Boa cans...
I knew the latter brand to be somewhat more expensive...so I guess that's why there was a decrease.
Though...that wouldn't explain the initial decrease in Yebisu cans...
'Maybe even Misato is capable of some self-control?'
I smile a little at that.
'Also...at least Kaji AND Ritsuko are both there to look after her this time.'
Hopefully, if they do bring her back here, they'll only do so knowing that she'll be alright afterwards.
'Ah well. Here's hoping...'
Just as my mind begins to focus on the manga once more, a loud noise interrupts...
The phone is ringing.
'Probably Misato,' I think to myself, as I walk over to answer the call.
Sure enough, when I pick up the phone, a familiar and rather slurred voice says, "Hey, Shinji? It's me."
"Hi," I respond, wondering wryly...and not without a touch of apprehension...just how many drinks she's had tonight.
"I'm gonna be out drinking with Kaji," she continues. "Don't wait up for me, okay?"
'Well, can't say I didn't see that coming.'
"Okay."
"And don't get to bed too late, alright?"
'Maybe you should listen to yourself once in awhile.'
"Right. Yeah. Sure." And with that, I end the call...hoping that this time, she'll at least spare me an evening at the hospital.
As I hang up the phone, I hear Asuka enter the room.
"Hmm, Misato?", she inquires.
"Yeah. She'll be late, so don't wait up for her."
At these words, she looks mortified. "What? You mean she won't be back until tomorrow morning?"
"I doubt it, she's going out with Kaji."
She looks at me with mingled frustration and incredulity. "Are you dense? That guarantees it!"
It doesn't take long for me to get the picture. So Asuka must think Misato and Kaji are going to spend the night together.
And given how she feels about Kaji...
I look over at her. She's sitting at the table, her head buried in her folded arms.
Walking over to her, I ask, "Asuka, what's wrong?"
She just groans inarticulately in response.
"Uh, I- um, hope you feel better soon."
She says nothing and doesn't even indicate that she heard me at all. Now I know for sure that this is really bothering her. Normally, she'd have probably yelled at me to 'fuck off.'
Is she really in so much pain over this, that she's not even bothering to lash out at me?
I guess I shouldn't really feel sorry for her, but...I know how she must be feeling.
After all, I know what it's like to want someone who will never want you in return...
I wonder if I should say something more...and really try...to help her feel better.
I walk over, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder...then immediately withdraw it, remembering what happened last time.
'Why bother?'
Why not let her stew in her misery?
You're not obligated to help her!
And she'd never do the same for you, probably just laugh at you and call you an idiot like she always does. Besides, it might be for her own good anyway. It might help her get over this stupid obsession with Kaji...
I glare down at her, feeling a mixture of grim satisfaction...and guilt for feeling that way.
'Still,' I think to myself, 'she's still a human being like me, and she has feelings. I know she'll probably just blow me off, but...I should at least TRY to say something to help her feel better.'
But what?
In the end, my nerve failed me, and I let her sit there being miserable.
Part of me feels disgusted, but...I don't even know what I would've said anyway...
'How can I help?'
I have no answer for that.
So, I do what I normally do when the world throws an unsolvable problem my way...and retrieve my SDAT player.
Plugging into the music and reading the manga, I tune out the ugly, confusing world around me...except for a red needle jabbing at the corner of my eye.
Glancing sideways, I see that Asuka hasn't moved at all, and wonder if she's fallen asleep.
Either way...deciding that she won't be looking up any time soon, I take the rare opportunity to actually look at her without fear of painful retribution.
"She really is beautiful," I think to myself. Even when she's at her lowest, I just can't help but look at her.
A sentiment that quickly evaporates when I see her stirring, and beginning to raise her head.
I hurriedly bury myself in the manga again, noticing as I do so...that her eyes are fixed upon me.
I spend the next several minutes trying my best to act as if I don't notice her gaze...wondering if she noticed me looking at her...
And if I'm about to get punished for daring to do s-
"...-ji, you wanna kiss me?"
What...?
I just imagined that...right?
"Huh? What?!"
"Kissing...you know," she responds. "Have you ever done it?"
Nope, that's what she said...I'm definitely not hallucinating, but...
I'm so dumbfounded, that I'm unsure whether or not vague memories of kissing my mother counts when it comes to answering her question.
In my confusion, I nod my head while at the same time saying "uh uh" to state, truthfully that I haven't kissed a girl my age.
Seemingly untroubled by the dubious answer, Asuka sits straight up in her chair, a oddly...avid...look on her face.
"So, let's do it."
I recoil in surprise...as well as fear.
What the hell is happening?
What game is she playing now?! I'm terrified of finding out.
"Uh? But why?"
"I've got nothing else to do," she responds loftily.
Just boredom then?
I guess I should have seen that coming.
"That's your reason? You're weird."
I expect her to give it up, but with a smug expression, she says, "Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mom's death?"
Her voice takes on a mock baby tone. "Is she watching you from up in heaven?"
That's a low blow even for her...
But, managing to keep my composure and swallow the spark of rage ignited by her slight about my mother, I simply respond, truthfully, "That's not it."
'I just don't want to play your stupid game,' I think bitterly.
"Or," she turns to look right at me, smirking, "are you scared?"
Something in my heart hardens...and I feel the anger I held back at first rise and uncoil like a rearing cobra.
I don't know why I'm taking the bait now, when I know I'm falling right into her hands.
Maybe, I just don't care anymore.
Maybe, I just want to shut her up.
Maybe the only way to do that is to play along. Either way, I'll show her!
Glaring at her, I rise to my feet. "I'm not afraid! Pucker up!"
"Right," she responds, sounding oddly eager and maybe...relieved?
"Did you brush your teeth?"
I nod my head. "Yeah."
"Then here I come." And she walks brazenly towards me, until she stands directly in front of me.
For a moment, she does nothing, staring blankly at me. She seems almost...unsure?
Then, slowly, she leans towards me...and I feel my face growing hot.
A fog seems to gather in my brain, and I suddenly can't remember where we are.
'This is a dream,' I think wildly. 'This a dream, and I'm going to wake up any moment now!'
I shut my eyes, bracing myself for the moment I am torn away from this fantasy, and fall back into reality. It's unusually realistic this time...
I open my eyes. Asuka's cerulean irises look back at me.
This is real?
'This is REAL?!'
Asuka's next words snap me out of my moment of uncertainty. "Stop breathing, it's tickling me."
My eyes widen at the words...and before I can even respond, the fingers of her right hand pinch my nose shut, hard.
And she closes the remaining distance, until our lips...meet.
I've only ever seen this happen in my dreams, but this isn't at all like I hoped it would be.
The kiss is clumsy and uncomfortable, and not just because my nose is clamped shut.
But, I still don't...want it to stop. This could be my chance. My chance to show her...to tell her...
I'm feeling...something.
A sense of vertigo, seeping into my brain, filling it with static, freezing the air in my chest, and making my legs wobble beneath me...
Oh, right...oxygen deprivation.
My hands are contorting at my sides as I struggle to breathe without breaking the kiss.
'Think, dammit, THINK! You have two free hands here, DO SOMETHING WITH THEM! DO SOMETHING BEFORE YOU PASS OUT OR DIE OR WORSE, BREAK THE KISS!'
Suddenly, it hits me. I know what I need to do.
The memory of what I've seen in movies is clear in my otherwise blank mind.
Embrace her.
Show her you want this.
'And for crying out loud, pull her hand off your nose!'
But, I'm afraid.
I'm too scared.
She'll break the kiss herself and then kill me for 'being a pervert!'
Then that'll be it. She'll never kiss me again, and she'll hate me more than ever.
M-maybe if I just wait it out, she'll be the one to embrace ME...to let me know it's okay to do the same to her.
'And what if she doesn't?', the voice inside questions. 'What if...? What if she's waiting for YOU to show HER it's okay to embrace you?'
But that's impossible!
She'd never want that from me!
And if she does, why can't SHE show it? Why can't SHE just be open about it?
'I don't know', the voice responds. 'But I think you should try. If this is a once in a lifetime chance...then you have nothing to lose.'
Seriously, have you not felt her right hook before?! This has DEATHWISH written all over it!
'THEN MAYBE, JUST THIS ONCE, ITS WORTH THE RISK! Now start by raising your left hand, and...'
My left hand firmly removes her right from my nose, and continues to hold it gently by the palm.
Curiously, despite taking a deep breath and then exhaling through my nose directly into Asuka's face, she does NOT break the kiss, nor give any sign of wanting to.
Almost instinctively, I feel my right arm rise tentatively, and encircle her slender waist.
For a moment, I just feel...numb.
Did I just...
Did I do that?
Was that...me?
Is this me?
Is this her?
Are we really...
Are we...doing this?
Then, it starts to all come together in my mind.
And with that revelation...comes a feeling I'd only thought possible in dreams.
Only...more wonderous then could have been dreamed of.
It's more that just the sensation of our mouths pressed together and our bodies standing so close...and even more than just the...uh...stirring...I feel at the base of my abdomen.
It's...completion.
The tension inside of me...once the chains that helds me fast...once the ache that crippled me...is now the wind within my wings as I rise above my prison...the ceiling of iron grey clouds that had once made me hide in fear of the storm to come.
That same fire I felt when playing the cello is consuming every nerve...every thought...every beat of my racing heart...every emotion pouring from my soul is wreathed in the warm glow.
I no longer see the room...the floor...the walls...
There is only her...
There is only me...
There is only...us.
I take in her every feature in a way I never have before...
Her thin yet shapely form...graceful and elegant...her face; so full of confidence and so beautiful as to make one look twice...her red hair; exotic, fragrant with the odor of strawberry and balsam, always flaring out and seeming to glide tantalizingly in even the gentlest wind...her eyes; cerulean, usually cold and forbidding, but when she smiles, shining like the ocean's surface in the evening sun.
If this moment should end...and I know it must at some time, that is what I want to see most...a smile from her.
If I can see that just once more, I'll never want for anything else in this world.
It's then that I feel her left hand on my shoulder.
I feel it's gentle heat through my t-shirt.
I can also feel it trembling, as if she's unsure if it belongs there. I squeeze her right hand gently to let her know that it's okay, and the trembling subsides.
And slowly, she pulls her hand free from mine, and places it on my other shoulder.
And...pulling even closer together when my left arm joins the other at her waist, we stand there...lost in the moment...for how long, I do not know.
Suddenly, I feel her murmuring beneath the kiss, and her body begins to tense up.
The gentle weight of her hands on my shoulders becomes greater as she begins to clench them fretfully.
Opening my eyes, I see that her eyes are closed tightly in an expression of...
Terror?
Disgust?
I step back, releasing her waist...
And our lips are parted...
For a moment, her arms are aloft right where they held my shoulders, seeming to almost...reach out plaintively...before they drop to her sides...and clench into fists.
And before I can say anything...
Or even start to form the words in my mind...
She opens her mouth in a scream, and three words emerge...
"I HATE YOU!"
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