Well peeps, it's that time of week.
Here's Asuka...dropping the ball as per usual :/
•6:55 AM
I can't help but laugh at that question. It wasn't a stupid question of course, and given the circumstances between me and Kaji, Hikari isn't wrong to have assumed that my obvious distress is about him.
But, the irony is...that far from being the cause of my problems, Ryoji Kaji is the only reason I'm sane right now. Although...I'm not sure about the sane part...I should probably stop laughing for starters...
Calming myself, letting the laughter fade into a sigh, I turn to face a very unnerved Hikari. "Asuka? You're kinda...scaring me," she says timidly.
I smile bitterly. "Yeah, I know," I sigh. "But to answer your question..."
I hesitate, wondering how much I should tell her. Deciding to keep the info to a bare minimum, I continue, "It's not Kaji's fault that I'm kind of a mess right now. Actually, Kaji's been...really helpful."
Hikari looks slightly alarmed as she says, "Helpful? Um, helpful...how exactly?"
Knowing what Hikari might be thinking, I quickly clarify, "No, no, nothing like that Hikari. Kaji...Kaji would never...and, maybe...that's one reason why I wanted him so badly. Because I knew, even when he was denying me...especially when he was denying me...that he had my best interests in mind, because he'd never hurt me or use me like that. Which makes it all the more shameful that I threw myself at him for so long."
Hikari stares at me, eyes wide with shock, though with an undercurrent of relief as well. "Asuka...did I hear all that correctly? It...it...sounded to me...like you're-"
"Giving up on Kaji?" I finish for her. "Yes. And it's about time too."
Hikari looks comically flabbergasted, and I almost want to laugh again. But, with some effort, I maintain my composure.
After a few minutes, Hikari finds her tongue. "Well, I'm certainly glad you're doing the sensible thing here, but...what brought this about?"
I choose not to answer. Not because I don't want to give her a response, but because I can't think of what to say without revealing too much. "It's...complicated," is all I manage to come up with.
"Problems with Misato?" Hikari suggests.
I nearly trip over myself in surprise.
"I...um...sort of overheard a little bit of what you were saying as I walked up to you. It...sounded...like Misato was...uh...angry with you about something."
Just managing to keep a straight face, I try to reel in my racing thoughts, and bite down on my tongue, not wanting to release it until I'm sure of what to say.
"That's it, isn't it?" Hikari presses on.
"Uh...yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much what's going on," I say lamely, desperate to get Hikari off the subject.
'Though what good is that?' I think to myself balefully.
Soon enough, I'll probably have to tell her everything. If Misato is going to throw me out, and I'll bet anything that she will, I'll have to tell Hikari everything if I'm going to ask about moving in with her.
'And what if...' And my mind begins to work itself into a panic at this thought. 'What if Hikari turns her back on me? I know she's my friend and she hardly knows Shinji...but when she hears about what I did...what if she-'
She's always disapproved of how I've treated him, and she's told me I should be nicer to him. What will she think when she hears that I...
"So...can I ask what happened to upset her?" Hikari was asking.
Slowly coming back to reality, I manage to mumble, "Well, uh, we actually kinda fight a lot. It's not unusual. This time was worse than before though. I think she's considering throwing me out, actually."
"That bad?" Hikari looks shocked.
"Yeah."
The pigtailed girl gawks at me. "She can't...she wouldn't..."
"Ha!" I sneer at that. "Wouldn't she?"
I almost blurt aloud how she blatantly favors Shinji over me...how the idiot can do no wrong in her eyes, while I either get ignored or scolded for stepping even a little out of line. But doing so might reveal more than I want Hikari knowing right now...
"Well, if she does, it'll be very irresponsible of her," says Hikari indignantly. "I mean, she agreed to take you in in the first place didn't she? The least she can do is be committed to the task."
With a sympathetic look she adds, "If she does throw you out, you can come stay with me until things calm down."
I allow myself to smile at her offer, though not half as widely as I'd like to. Have to keep up my image after all, even now...especially now.
At last, we've reached the school building; squat, square and dull white, just like every other building outside the inner city and commercial districts.
The bland appearance is utterly befitting...never have I entered an educational facility so droll and devoid of mental stimulation. Out of everyone I've met here, Hikari is the only person I can think of who gives enough of a shit to take this place seriously.
I don't know how she does it, and in my opinion, her hard work and dedication are thoroughly wasted on this mental sludge factory, but...I guess someone has to care. If it weren't for her, I know...I don't think, I KNOW the whole fucking class would just walk out...with Jock Stooge leading the pack.
'Kind of ironic', I think to myself with a smirk, 'that she's fallen for HIM of all people.'
But is it really?
My eyes widen a little.
Is it really that strange that Hikari has fallen for someone so drastically different from herself...when I myself have...
'NO! We're not starting that again!', I say to myself coldly. 'That's what got us into this mess in the first place, remember?'
As we walk up the steps into the main entrance, I notice just how empty and desolate the school is at 7:13 AM. The earliest I've ever been here is fifteen minutes before the start of class, and by then most of the school's modest population is milling about in the halls or on the grounds...not that the presence of my fellow students helps diminish the dismal nature of this teenage wasteland.
On that note, I've been meaning to ask Hikari..."So, you usually get here early, right?" Hikari nods in agreement. "What exactly do you do here until class starts up?"
"Well," she begins, "I usually don't get here until about 7:30 on most days. But, when we spoke on the phone, you sounded like..." She stops mid-sentence. "Ah, I mean, uh," she fumbles. "Well, I, uh didn't want to keep you waiting, so I uh, left early."
So she was worried about me. Did I really sound that desperate over the phone? Gott, how pathetic am I becoming?
"...but to answer your original question," Hikari went on, "I usually go over to the library to do some extra studying, or just read a novel to pass the time until class starts.'
Heh, should've figured as much.
So, for the next hour, we sit in the library. Upon Hikari's request, I quiz her in preparation for an upcoming math test, and...after some prodding, allow her to do the same for me. At least it's better than just sitting around, brooding over having to see Shinji again at some point today...and the inevitable confrontation with Misato after Kaji tells her everything...
But soon enough, Hikari rises from her seat and tells me that it's a quarter after eight. So, we depart the library and make our way over to our classroom. By now, the halls are full of students; chatting, walking to their classrooms, or slumping against the walls.
As we pass, some of the girls greet Hikari and me...their smiles and cheery 'hellos' and 'good mornings' about as real as Monopoly money.
I know what they really think of me...gaijin...Teutonic whore...harpy...bitch...
I'm used to it though...most girls my age hate me. That's how it was in Germany...I don't expect it to be any different in Japan...where a number of people probably already hate me for being a mixed-blooded foreigner.
The boys aren't much better, though at least they don't pretend to actually care about me. They just skulk about, shuffling their feet, pretending they weren't just ogling me when I turn to glare at them, all the while giving me a wide berth to pass by.
At least it's better than how they acted when I first arrived. During my first week here, dozens of them 'confessed their love' or left me stupid, inane notes full of bland declarations, laughable attempts at erotic poetry, etcetera, etcetera...
Still better than the ones that tried to approach me in person though; a few of them were reluctant to take no for an answer.
One 'genius' in particular stands out...apparently he was rather used to having his way with the girls around here. He tried to woo me with some half-baked 'romantic' verbal fecal matter.
I didn't even look at him...or stop walking...so he, in his infinite wisdom, thought it might be a good idea to grope me...purring about how much he 'loved a challenge'...well, he wasn't back the next day...or the day after...even I didn't know I could kick that hard. Since word of that incident got round, the boys keep to themselves.
Truth is, I don't care what everyone thinks of me, as long as I'm shown the proper respect and reverence for being the number one Eva pilot. Other than acknowledging my talents and prestige, they can all stay the hell away.
Which makes it all the more sad that you've driven away one of the few people you grew to care about. And soon, Misato will probably turn her back on you as well. Even Hikari won't be able to stand the sight of you once she knows what you did.
'Shut up! I don't need...him! I don't need Misato! She's a slut anyway, and she always was! Do you hear me? I don't need anyone! And Hikari is just lucky that I took a liking to her. If she turns her back on me, then to hell with her! I never asked her to actually give a damn about me. She's as stupid as everyone else in this fucking place if she thinks I need her goddamn approval! Besides, when all others have turned their backs on me, there's still...'
Kaji? the inner voice scoffs. The man who's been slowly putting more and more distance between you and himself for the past several months? Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but you're losing him just as surely as you'll lose everyone you care about.
I can feel myself withering into nothing at the callously amused sound of my own voice. The world around me even seems to be crumbling into empty space until I can no longer discern objects from humans; I haven't even noticed that Hikari is no longer walking beside me.
All that compassion he showed you...all that understanding...he was obligated to that. After all, who else would be there for you? But it's obvious...just as he's been meaning to steer your affections to the Third Child...he's been planning to dump you off to Misato...because no one who's spent enough time with you can stand to be around you...
I close my eyes, trying to phase that voice out of my thoughts...but...
Just like Papa...
Please...
And Mama...
No...
Because no one could ever really care about you...
Clenching my fists, trying to resist the urge to scream, I forget to open my eyes as I round the corner near the boys restroom.
CRASH!!!
With a cry of shock, I topple forward, a hapless boy trapped underneath me as we land in a heap on the linoleum floor.
Shaking my head to clear it, I open my eyes, beginning to angrily tell the idiot to watch where he's going...and feel my entire chest turn to ice.
No...
No...
NO!
There is no way...
No...fucking...way...
No one's luck could possibly be this horrible...
Underneath a head of dark brown hair, a pair of dark blue eyes, wide with terror, stare back at me.
Shinji looks utterly petrified, his partially open mouth quivering soundlessly as he struggles to form the words, 'I'm sorry...'
Fog is filling every crevice of my brain...
The last time I saw him...I...
Mein Gott! I have to say something...but what?
Shinji...I-I-I'm sorry for everything...
I hear the words in my head. But my lips won't move. There's no air in my lungs to make words with.
I'm just now beginning to realize that we are surrounded by a group of onlookers. Despite the crowd, however, all is eerily silent...the dozens of eyes fixed on us are wide with shock and apprehension, but not one voice is heard.
I just want to run away. Just turn around, and run...pretending that this never happened...praying that no one works up the nerve to ask me about it...
But running would make me a coward...
'No! The Great Asuka Langely Sohryu does NOT run away! Ever! If anyone should be running away, it's Shinji!'
Though...I don't think he can do much of anything trapped underneath me...maybe I should get up now.
Hastily, I push myself off of Shinji, and clamber to my feet. Once free, Shinji pushes himself up with his arms it a sitting position, and scrambles back slightly out of kicking distance, all the while gazing up at me, utterly transfixed.
I can only guess at what's going through his mind right now. I don't even know what's going through my own mind. I had thought that getting to my feet would help clear my head...but now, my brain is full of empty static...my mouth seems like it's made of stone; dry and immobile...and the prickling sensation of all the eyes upon me is worse now that I can fully see the steadily increasing crowd around us.
Then, a single voice breaks through the white noise of the silent panic building up inside me; Hikari!
"Asuka, where are you? Class is about to start and...what? What's going on here? Alright! Step aside, let me through, pardon me! Okay, whatever's going on here, it ends now! Class is about to start, so get to your assigned-"
Exiting the girl's restroom, she stops speaking when she catches sight of me standing over Shinji.
"Asuka? What are you-"
She looks down.
"Ikari? What are you doing down there?"
But Shinji neither answers nor turns to face her, still transfixed with horror.
Hikari, looking rather concerned now, kneels down next to him.
"Ikari?", she asks again, but more gently. "What happened? Are you alright?"
With a start of surprise, Shinji turns to face her. Suddenly aware of all the attention he's drawn to himself, his face blushes a deep red, as he stares down at the floor beneath Hikari's feet. "I-I'm f-fine M-Miss Horaki. It's n-nothing."
Putting a consoling hand on his shoulder, she looks up at the spectators, fixing them with a hard glare. "Well, move along then! Nothing to see here! Go on, get to your classes, all of you!"
Grudgingly, but unwilling to face the infamous wrath of 2-A's Class Rep, they begin to leave en masse.
Hikari turns back to Shinji, helping him to his feet. "Are you alright?"
Shinji nods awkwardly, face redder than ever, determinedly looking away from her.
"What happened here?"
Strangled whimpers of indecision are all that can be heard in response. But his eyes dart fearful looks in my direction, as if trying to figure out how to answer Hikari's question without blaming me.
Hikari, however, takes note of where Shinji's eyes keep flitting, and with an ominous frown beginning to crease her brow, she begins to walk towards me, oblivious to Shinji's look of dawning horror behind her back.
Stopping in front of me, hands on her hips, she attempts to glare at me...though I can tell that's she really more disappointed and sad than angry. "Asuka, please...tell me you didn't-" she begins.
"Didn't what?!", I interrupt her, red hot anger beginning to boil inside of me. "What am I supposed to have done now huh?"
Fucking typical...everyone always takes his side. Always...even Hikari...who I thought would always have my back.
"Asuka! Calm yourself!" barks Hikari, who despite looking somewhat fearful at my outburst, does not step back an inch. "No one is accusing you of anything yet. It just looks like-"
"Looks like what, huh?" I scream back, knowing full well that I'm going to regret lashing out later. "You think I pushed him, don't you? DON'T YOU?!"
Advancing on Hikari, glaring daggers at her, she still holds her ground despite looking more and more unnerved by the second.
"I never said anything like that Asuka," she replies in a level, dignified tone. "It's just that-"
"Just what huh?"
I've had more of this than I can stand.
"One little whimper from the idiot, and everyone starts fawning over him!" Standing directly in front of Hikari, I narrow my eyes as they bore into hers. "Even you...Hikari."
In my heart, I know that she's right to suspect me. I may not have done anything wrong this time...but I have in the past. And all I'd have to do is explain that it was an accident...but...I can't help but feel betrayed.
Whatever I've done, despite deserving to be alone and miserable, part of me always felt...or maybe just hoped...that at least Hikari would side with me over Shinji.
Given how this whole thing looks, I know she has good reason to think I'm at fault...but still...the same anger that drove me to mercilessly crush Shinji's heart beneath my foot is now raging inside of me...and I am powerless to stop it...
"Well, go on then," I snarl, turning my back on Hikari. "Go kiss his boo boos and coddle him like everyone else does."
"Asuka..."
Breathing heavily, my hands balling into fists so tight that it seems my knuckles will burst through the skin covering them, I try to reign in my rapidly deteriorating self-control.
"Just...don't! Obviously this is all my fault! Not his...it's NEVER his fault!"
I want to say the words sardonically...but the feeling that rises within me is not the contempt my tone has conveyed...but agreement...agreement without irony.
It is that realization, more than anything, that makes the fleeting yet savage glee I felt in insulting Shinji start to ebb away...replaced with stark horror.
Mein Gott...I've done it again! Why...why am I doing this?!
'You regret doing what must be done because you're weak!'
Doing what must be done? Is that what you call this?!
Stealing a glance at the boy, I see that his shoulders have slumped, his head hanging so low that his entire face is hidden.
I know...that I should...should do the right thing.
'You're above having to apologize for some stupid accident like this! Let the idiot blubber about how it's his fault.'
Still, even now...I just can't...I can't lose face...I just can't lose face. I can't apologize...
You know this is wrong! And you're too weak to admit it!
'You're strong enough to brush this off. Whatever Hikari and the idiot think about this stupid incident doesn't mean anything to the likes of you.'
For once though...I'm not sure that I believe what my pride is telling me...
'Well it shouldn't mean anything! Or have you forgotten who you are?'
But I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. After all, it's better this way...better for Shinji to hate and fear me too much to come near me again.
I'll leave now, and go back home...go back home and face Misato. Then...at least...once Misato has thrown me out, I'll be safely away from them all...from him.
'Good, then we can wash our hands of this whole thing. I'm not so sure living with Hikari is an option anymore...but living alone in a NERV facility room might not be so bad after all.'
I can't believe you're so delusional that you can believe this lie for even a minute...
Ignoring the war raging in my mind, I raise my head, and turn to face them both once more...the latest victims of my pride...of my refusal to show the weakness of remorse and contrition.
Hikari stands rooted to the spot, speechless; seemingly unable to find the words to articulate a retort.
While, behind her, Shinji, who has barely uttered a word through this entire incident is...turning to leave?
It isn't his departure that shocks me...it's the sudden calm and determined air in his bearing. In my surprise, I look at him for too long...and he notices. Looking back over his shoulder, only one eye is visible to me. And that eye is not wide with fear and hurt as it usually is when looking at me...it is narrowed, and blazing with cold fury.
The last of my anger dies as something cold blooms inside my chest.
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