He claimed it to be absurd and "wishful thinking". To his credit, a lot of the process did sound like magic. On the other hand, the whole GEHIRN work was essentially based on a near-magical level of technology…'
To be fair, they are working with FAR Bullshit tech, where scientifically dicing up souls is possible, and the Square-Cube Law is a polite suggestion.
Chilling to think that the entire investigation only happened because someone died, and there was a family to ask questions. Do you think SEELE really gave a damn how many bodies they piled up in making the Evangelions work? The inspector would have had to be a government one as well. Internally, SEELE probably would have buried it was as minimum of fuss as possible. Yet more sins to pile up on Kyoko's conscience in retrospect.
You have to wonder how little she actually knew about SEELE's long-term plans at that point. She certainly didn't know as much as Yui Ikari did.
...but it's still "merely" advanced technology, just as modern cameras would be magic to a medieval scholar - he could operate them (after conquering the fear), but fixing one would be chancy at best, completely impossible at worst. The main difference is that a camera would not eat your body and butcher your soul if you press a wrong button at a wrong time.
Chilling to think that the entire investigation only happened because someone died, and there was a family to ask questions. Do you think SEELE really gave a damn how many bodies they piled up in making the Evangelions work? The inspector would have had to be a government one as well. Internally, SEELE probably would have buried it was as minimum of fuss as possible. Yet more sins to pile up on Kyoko's conscience in retrospect.
You have to wonder how little she actually knew about SEELE's long-term plans at that point. She certainly didn't know as much as Yui Ikari did.
Even Yui did not know much, while she was likely among the chosen, some were more chosen than others. But Kyoko? From SEELE's point of view, a cog in the machine, without any real knowledge where this was going to. Important cog, yes, but nothing more. She was most likely convinced they were researching a new weapon, or even something less military-like, perhaps some industrial exoskeleton or new, revolutionary organic technology for construction machinery (a very useful thing after 2I, after all). Of course, we're talking the stage that incident took place, she certainly learned more before her Contact Experiment (thus increasing her burden).
I believe that while SEELE is extremely powerful, it is not all-powerful. The investigation happened because some incidents are hard to cover up when people start asking questions, unless you have a contingency plan at hand. What is more important, this whole situation worked in favor of SEELE - the trouble on the plant ended, after all, and the process/production/research resumed. And piling corpses? Pay reparations, intimidate if this is not enough, keep going about your business as usual. Callous, but no different than modern policies of many corporate entities.
And for Kyoko's sins... this is not the last one she has to face, but it might've been the most serious one (that classification depends on one's outlook on suicide, though).
Actually, a concept of post-NGE (assuming 3I aversion and following reconstruction) world where NERV-produced technology is actually widespread and can explode or eat you (body or soul) when disassembled is an interesting one. I know Evangelion Chronicles dabble in the idea, and I at least one setting in mind that would work with that quite well (The One and The Many).
I guess it'd be somehow similar to early years of arcanotechnology in CthulhuTech (before Migou came), where wonders were created (at occasional cost of permanent insanity among engineers) but horrors lurked just behind the corner.
Yui Ikari entered the pleasant forest that surrounded the mansion. She was quite aware it was an attempt to take her mind off Kyoko's whereabouts; being unable to assist in any manner, or even learn what was happening to her… guest? friend? someone more? was putting a strain on her composure. Not that she would actually admit it: there was some work to be done, so she was focusing on it. Being restless had nothing to do with it.
She approached the first bird feeder and took a quick glance at the contents. Everything she placed there was untouched: the seeds, the nuts, the breadcrumbs, the corn kernels. She sighed, disappointed.
Next feeder she went to was similarly pristine: the pieces of fresh pork, chopped liver, smoked meat, cooked chicken. The lack of insects and the conditions she set on the feeder ensured it was not rotten or even distinctly spoiled, of course; therefore, the only conclusion was that whatever was out there was uninterested in meat.
She approached the third one without much hope – and froze in place. It was half-empty. It originally contained sweets: cookies, pieces chocolate, some jellies, and a variety of crystallised fruits. But all the fruits were gone, and so was the chocolate. The cookies were intact, except one that was half-bitten. The jellies were untouched entirely.
"Oh my. Did I succeed?" she asked no-one in particular, her voice excited.
She approached the feeder carefully, looking under her feet and watching every step. Unfortunately, the grass and the foliage held few tracks – just enough to tell her that someone has indeed been here.
"I did. Gods, it worked!" she whispered, her excitement growing. "Question is: what exactly am I dealing with? And, more importantly… how do I catch it? Or rather – how do I track it first?"
She took a step back. A moment of focusing on the feeder and its surroundings resulted in grass and roots being replaced by damp sand.
'This should do it' she admired her work and started to walk away. 'Ah, yes, one more thing', she realised.
After a moment of concentration, the feeder was full again; cookies and jellies were replaced by varying flavours of fruits and a far greater variety of chocolate. After testing the sand surface and smoothing it out again, Yui retreated carefully to adjust the remaining feeders for the clearly more desired bait; once away from the sand, her step turned to a happy skip, completely disregarding the 'serious matron' persona.
In all her elation, she missed a pair of watchful eyes gazing at her from behind the bushes; eyes that were cautious, wild, and feral – but also inquisitive.
***
Kyoko was facing another gateway. This time, it was curved and contained the largest number of sculptures to date; as she was expecting, some of them were familiar, some were new.
The first one she saw before: a middle-aged, handsome man in a perfect suit, with an equally perfect face bearing the false smile. It kept changing in subtle ways: sometimes a stuffed envelope in the pocket was visible, sometimes a knife in his hand could be seen, sometimes the hand was blooded. 'That I put behind me, in the most unexpected way. I'm not going back there.'
The second one was also well known to Kyoko, as she kept seeing it: the depiction of all thinkable, many unthinkable, and some impossible sexual acts in the most obscene ways possible. She shivered. 'Is this some way of my subconscious telling me I should face this aspect of myself? Not that there is much to face…' she recalled, both wistfully and with relief. 'But… "There is little merit in going back", right? Obscenity was in the lower rank of spheres if I recall the tree correctly. So, this is not the way, either. Hopefully' she shivered a bit.
The third sculpture was recognisable from the first gateway she encountered as well: the beggar, dying on the street. It did not become any less disturbing by repeated viewing; Kyoko focused on its meaning, ignoring the smell she was sure was merely a figment of her imagination. 'Corrosion and decay. There is nothing that would warrant it, and it would be going back, too. What's next?'
The fourth one was new. It depicted a smiling adult – in most angles, a woman in domestic clothing, with variations of man in similar clothes or a woman in more business-like attire – standing behind a child and embracing it; depending on the point of view, the adult's hands changed positions – and sometimes there were more than two – but one thing was common: they always held the child extremely tight, clearly to its discomfort, and always covered something on its head. Sometimes it was the eyes that were covered, sometimes the ears, sometimes the mouth; but whenever the child's eyes were visible, they seemed afraid, even haunted; whenever the mouth was showing, it was tight and quivering, like trying to hold back a sob. 'What would that be? Looks like some kind of abuse… no, nothing so overt. Love, but the twisted version. Smothering love, perhaps? I don't think I ever did that to Asuka, but I may not remember everything…'
The fifth one was also new. On a first look, it was a simple, classical representation of the myth of Sisyphus: a muscular naked man, depicted in perfect proportions, was rolling a boulder up the hill; the boulder was falling from his hands just before the peak. But when viewed from the sides, the sculpture turned to depict increasingly bizarre concepts: a highway with its lanes on different heights; a cart with square wheels, pulled by both horses and mules; a woman in domestic dress and an apron, ball-and-chain attached to both her feet – except the balls were children heads, and chains were made of small hands. Kyoko shivered and closed her eyes. 'I guess it is going to get worse the deeper… or higher I go, right? But if we peel away the oddity, looks like… failure, opposition, inability to act. But there are two near the top of the Tree, active and passive… I need more context' she decided.
The sixth sculpture was unknown to Kyoko as well. It depicted a surreal landscape of several roads, crisscrossing each other at impossible angles; some were narrow and covered in sharp stones, some were smooth and wide, some were precipitous and littered with bones, others were flat and clean. They had one common trait: they led nowhere, turning back on each other or ending suddenly. Viewing the sculpture from different angles only made them twist, turn, and change into another complex set. Sometimes chasms or abatis would appear on them, along with a path that allowed to bypass them – only to, once again, lead nowhere. 'All right, this looks like passive opposition, so the previous one had to be…' Kyoko interrupted her train of thought with a loud facepalm. 'Of course. They go counter-clockwise, from the right. This is clearly the passive one: concealment, sterility, confusion.' She recalled the image from the book. 'But this means I have just one more before I can get to the summit!' She turned her attention back to the gateway. 'I guess it's one of those two… but let's not get ahead of ourselves.'
The final, seventh one was once more familiar: a figure of a woman with a sword and a scale, unbalancing one with the other. The side versions did not change as well: a younger woman with a laurel wreath on her head and a scale in front of her, cheating on the scale, and a hideous, barbarian woman with a club. 'Injustice. That would not be a step forward… if I recall correctly. So… which one of you do I choose? One of the oppositions, I guess, but which one?'
Kyoko took a step back and beheld all the statues again, realising that something was not right. In all the previous cases, she was able to easily tell where one sculpture ended and another began, but this… this was different. She took another step back; the borders were there, but unlike in previous gateways, they were not straight and clear.
Blinking and shifting her point of view, she noticed yet another, far smaller, but clearly separate sculpture, squeezed between shapes representing both oppositions: a book with its pages tattered and torn. Taking a step forward while keeping her eyes focused on its form, she noticed the facets: a priest, putting chains on a book; a man in black uniform, throwing books into a large bonfire; a woman in a lab coat, tearing up papers. 'Hatred? Inquisition? No… there were no such concepts here… so this has to be a disregard of knowledge, denial, false lore.' Recalling the image of the tree once more, she gritted her teeth. 'This is also a valid path to the top… bottom… whatever. So, three options. What I am supposed to do, call my guide to come forth?'
She took a look around. The landscape was full of colour; the fields were filled with flowers, grains, and other plants, some of which she did not recognise. She spared a long look at one of the stranger fields: it seemed to move independently of the wind and was filled with colours from pale, to tan, to brown, to grey, to black…
Seconds later, she turned away, pale and shaking, trying to forget the fact that the field she just beheld seemed to be made of various appendages: human hands were most common, but there were also animal hands, grasping vines, elephant trunks, and cephalopodic tentacles. All of them seemed to reach to her. She turned her back on it, hoping they were too far away to actually grasp her.
This has been a mistake. On the other side, there was a whole field of scarecrows, from the simplest straw-filled bags on a stick to most elaborate metal constructions, easily called robotic. Some seemed to be made of bone or even corpses, some seemed to be moving on their own accord, some seemed to be looking at her. She closed her eyes.
"What is wrong with you?!" she yelled out. "Show yourself, and don't play games with me!"
Kyoko turned abruptly again and stepped as close to the gate as possible, standing so close to it that she felt the warmth of the metal radiating on her skin. "Show yourself!" she demanded once more with far more desperation than she was willing to admit.
There was a movement behind the gateway, a slow shuffle, followed by silence once it came close. Kyoko slowly raised her head and forced herself to open her eyes. Once more, most of the creature's body was hidden behind the sculptures, but it was clearly her other self.
"Why are you showing me those… things?" Kyoko demanded.
There was no verbal reply, but a slow movement. The barely-visible head moved sideways – as much as someone with a snapped neck could move their head sideways – in a steady manner.
Kyoko tilted her head, confused. "No? No what?" she kept asking despite knowing there would be no proper answer. "Not you?"
A similarly odd nod was the only reply.
Kyoko shook her own head. "If those images are my own doing, I'm going to psychotherapy once I get out of here", she declared. "Oh. Wait. I wonder what psychotherapist would willing to work with the amount of trauma I carry in my head." She sighed. "And what psychotherapist would work with an Evangelion, and what NERV would say to that idea… Not to mention how am I going to describe this to anyone without sounding outright insane? No matter, not now" she shook her head again and refocused on the obscured figure in the tattered lab coat. "Which way, my guide? Which opposition do I have to overcome to help you? Passive, active? One against knowledge? Just please don't tell me 'all three', because I don't know if I'm strong enough for this…" she trailed off, desperation returning to her voice.
The gnarled hand reached through the sculpture's details and grasped the intricate networks of roads.
"Passive opposition? The lifelessness? All right. At least you- I don't blame myself for giving Asuka bad kind of love, I guess, or I don't feel guilty of destroying knowledge."
The hand retreated and Kyoko touched the structure. The roads untangled and opened the way to a simple path leading to an average, old-style German house. 'Wait, that's… that's my family home?'
"Why?" she asked out loud, but the only possible recipient of that question was no longer in sight. Keeping in mind what surrounded her before, she decided not to look around for her. She took another step-
-and found herself closing a small iron side gate in a fence surrounding her old family home in the countryside. There were voices coming from behind it; they sounded raised, like people were arguing.
'I thought my childhood was a happy one? I wonder what trauma do I have to dig out now…' she thought with a heavy heart while making her way to the house garden.
It's clear to me now that with my current work situation (big project I am responsible for coming to its finale, and it's getting hectic) I'll not be able to stick to any realistic schedules. Still, the story progresses; this update is shorter than I wish it to be, but I decided to give you something on time (more or less) instead of a big update with a delay. Thank you for your patience.
My intent is to finish chapter 6. sometime in July, then take a bit of a break (likely a month or so) to plan chapter 7. and catch up with remaining projects.
In all her elation, she missed a pair of watchful eyes gazing at her from behind the bushes; eyes that were cautious, wild, and feral – but also inquisitive.
But when viewed from the sides, the sculpture turned to depict increasingly bizarre concepts: a highway with its lanes on different heights; a cart with square wheels, pulled by both horses and mules; a woman in domestic dress and an apron, ball-and-chain attached to both her feet – except the balls were children heads, and chains were made of small hands.
These sculptures are getting increasingly bloody weird and unsettling. Welcome to the black muck at the depths of your mind, Kyoko. And that's had 10 years to rot in the dark and madness.
K: Easy? Did you mean there was a choice?!
Y: Well, yes.
K: Then why didn't you tell me?!
Y: Because then you can't get most achievements and no Golden Ending is possible.
K: I would be fine with any ending that would make me sane!
Y: According to this manual, this happens only on the Golden Ending.
K: ... who designed this?
Y: Same people who are sending the Angels, I think. Want to file a complaint to their customer service?
These sculptures are getting increasingly bloody weird and unsettling. Welcome to the black muck at the depths of your mind, Kyoko. And that's had 10 years to rot in the dark and madness.
With every step on the road, she is moving away from the conscious and deeper into the subconscious. A sane person has a lot of fun stuff there (hello, occasional nightmare), let alone someone with a torn soul.
Kyoko slowly entered the backyard, not certain whether she would be noticed or not; but this time, no one seemed to pay any attention to her. This was indeed her maternal grandparents' old house in the countryside – nothing big, by pre-Impact standards, but a luxury afterwards. Three people were seated in a gazebo: Kyoko easily recognised her parents – and her younger self. 'This… this has to be before the Second Impact… I think I remember this occasion.'
"…and this is, my dearest daughter, exactly the time when you should turn your eyes to the important matters" her father spoke in a raised, irritated voice.
'Ugh. I do remember this occasion. Once more, my subconsciousness is not pulling its punches. But why is it here?' she pondered. 'This is not exactly a time when I resisted something. Quite the opposite. Did I choose the wrong gate?'
Kyoko turned, considering leaving, and froze mid-movement, her breath stopping. Someone was standing behind her; in the corner of her eye, she noticed an outstretched hand, pointing at the scene in front of her. She did not need to turn further to know who that is – the twisted fingers were all too familiar to her, as well as the tattered sleeve of a lab coat. A morbid curiosity was nagging her to turn and look in her other self's face – but some part of her was saying this was not the best idea. She absentmindedly noticed the mildly unpleasant, difficult to describe smell that surrounded her the moment she noticed her other self.
The hand gestured once more with an emphasis towards the scene. "All right, all right", Kyoko whispered, part-annoyed, part-amused, part-still-scared. "I'm watching." She turned her attention back to the scene; while logic would dictate that the events should have progressed further already, they resumed from the next sentence. Kyoko shrugged mentally; stranger things happened in her mind already.
"Father, I am already employed, at quite a good position", her younger self protested.
Her father sighed and her mother interjected hesitantly. "Yes, of course you are, dear daughter. But this is not all there is. Your father has a point…" she trailed off, uncertain whether to follow. "Even if he cannot get it across too well" she finished with a soft smile.
Kyoko's father raised his eyebrow. "You're not helping, dear wife" he spoke up with a notably less irritated voice. "Being employed is not enough" he turned his attention to Kyoko. "There are matters of the family. While I don't consider the family legacy to be endangered, thanks to your brother, you have a duty as well – to both of us, to both the families. You need to marry."
Kyoko noticed her younger's self hands curling into fists. A second later she realised her own mirrored that behaviour; the memory of emotions was still vivid inside her, despite this having happened nearly two decades ago. 'Two decades, most of it I spent in dead storage, though…' Kyoko noticed dryly.
"Let me guess, Father" the younger Kyoko started with some venom in her voice. "You have employed a matchmaker and there is already a list of approved candidates, waiting to be invited to family lunches? And I thought we were not in Japan anymore."
'Uh. Was I really that rude?'
Kyoko's father looked with disapproval; her mother tightened her lips. "I might be Japanese, daughter", he started, his voice calm but still tinted with irritation – or perhaps disappointment; Kyoko had a hard time to decide which stung more. "But your mother is not, and you were always more keen to follow her path" he looked at his wife wistfully; she returned the sentiment with an uncertain expression. "But I expect you to honour some of the tradition. I have not planned for an omiai, and there is no… matchmaker involved. I simply expect you to find your own partner in a reasonable time – and carry on the family tradition" he elaborated. "This includes carrying your mother's noble name. I know that it matters to you as well."
There was a moment of silence; Kyoko's reactions still mirrored her younger self's. 'I remember how angry I was in the beginning, and how ashamed I was later.'
"Kyoko, dear" her mother spoke up, her voice concerned. "We will not force you. But giving everything to your work, without a family to return to, is not healthy. Please, give it some consideration. And do not reject a good man when he comes knocking."
Younger Kyoko smiled wryly. "As long as I'm sure he wasn't sent by you surreptitiously…"
Her mother chuckled, while her father rolled his eyes and opened his mouth. Her mother squeezed his hand and spoke first. "We will not… But I am asking you to promise us you will keep your eyes open and will think about marriage – and family."
Younger Kyoko nodded. "I promise."
Kyoko heard a hiss from behind her back and suddenly remembered what she thought at the time – or at least what she retained. 'I wanted them to get off my back. I didn't care about men – no, I didn't care about anyone romantically. I was delving into science, into my work… Still, I obliged… to a point.'
"Why am I here, Kyoko?" she turned her head to the side as much as she dared and addressed her other self. "If this is supposed to be some introduction, some background, it is surely a lengthy one, you know?"
An eyeblink later, she was sitting alone, at a table in a small apartment and holding some paper in her hand.
'This… this is where I lived soon after…'
She eyed the paper; it was a letter from her mother. Not the first one after the cataclysm, clearly – the first ones were shorter, hectic, maybe not panicky, but certainly not elaborate.
In the wake of Second Impact, most services became unreliable, and communication was problematic; one of the few institutions that continued to operate nearly uninterrupted, even on the heavily affected areas, was Deutsche Post. The letters, a form of communication Kyoko considered outdated, especially in her line of work, once more became the most reliable – if definitely not the fastest – way of communicating.
This one came in late December of 2000, two months after the catastrophe. Her mother, when given time, wrote in wonderfully calligraphed gothic handwriting; every letter was a work of art. Of course, it was not so with the first letter after the Second Impact – the one that informed her that her parents were safe, but her brother was missing.
Tears appeared in Kyoko's eyes. He lived in Hamburg; the city was swallowed by the sea and never recovered. He and his wife were never found. She grieved for him, but never realised what other undertones it carried.
Her eyes fell on the letter. "…und es ist jetzt Deine Pflicht, den Familiennamen fortzuführen."
'It is now your duty to carry on the family name. I was the only one left.'
The scene shifted. She was standing in front of a congregation of people, all of them well-dressed; her parents were at her side, and her husband was in front of her. It took her a moment to realise where she was: 'Soon-to-be husband. Right.' She recalled that day quite well. It was early June 2001: the world was slowly recovering from the catastrophic flooding, but the weather patterns had shown that some damage to the climate was greater than anticipated; the winter was very warm, and the summer storms began already in April. Kyoko's soul was also in turmoil.
Not long after the Second Impact, she was reassigned to a different division of the company; something that would soon become GEHIRN. The work there was far more fascinating, far more dangerous, and far more rewarding – for someone like her, it was like a dream come true. It also left very little time for anything else, which would not be a problem – if not for the increasing family pressure.
'I was young and stupid… well, not stupid, but certainly careless. I… I followed the path of the least resistance. I took the first man that gave me attention, and I followed him, spent time with him, gave him what he wanted so that he'd keep providing me with his company, nodded when he made family plans… Then I realised I was careless with my contraception, I panicked, told him, and… well. This happened.'
Her perspective shifted. She was standing in the pews, side to side with a familiar figure she dared not to look at; this time, her other self was in a dress – it was still tattered and fraying, of course – and had its nails driven painfully deep into the wood of the pew. They both watched the vows being exchanged in a simple ceremony. When the young pastor proclaimed their marriage in the name of God, Kyoko clenched her teeth.
'My parents were so proud. Mama knew I was pregnant then, Papa learned soon after; he pretended to be scandalised for a while, but I knew he was glad as well. This was supposed to be his heir to the family… he wasn't so glad when it turned to be a girl, but I'm sure he hoped there would be another.'
Her jaws remained clenched as she watched herself leave with her recently wed husband. Younger Kyoko was smiling, but there was a shadow in her eye. A doubt, that would grow over time, culminating in-
A sudden shift in perspective made her dizzy.
She was standing in the hospital room, where an emaciated and hollow-eyed woman was climbing her bed, a rope already attached to the ceiling and a doll already hanging.
Kyoko shivered all over her body.
"This? This is a direct consequence in your mind?!"
The woman ignored her.
"What I am supposed to do?! What… was I supposed to do?" Kyoko confused herself momentarily with tenses. "Stop the marriage? Terminate the pregnancy? Asuka was the only light I had back then!"
The woman stopped short of putting the noose around her neck. Her long finger pointed to the hanging doll with eyes made of buttons and hair made of red wool.
Kyoko's stomach turned. "What are you telling me?"
The woman shrugged and smiled a ghastly smile, then proceeded to put the improvised noose on. Kyoko shut her eyes and turned away. She expected a cracking sound, but instead, she heard a struggle. Another wave of shivers passed through her body.
'I couldn't even kill myself properly' she realised with dismay mixed with horror. 'And I still don't know how to fix this…'
Opening her eyes, she found herself once more in her apartment, poring over the letter from her mother.
'Right. Here we go again. Still – what am I supposed to do?'
***
Yui Ikari was humming to herself while returning to the mansion in a skipping step. Her plan worked – she managed to lure the elusive guest and find out more about its tastes; she also prepared the ways to track her. Now that the improved trap has been prepared, she had to do the easiest part – she just had to wait.
The melody and the skip suddenly ceased when her eyes caught the garden table and its empty chairs. She clenched her teeth as thoughts race through her head.
"I guess the library needs some reorganisation" she finally sighed and started walking back to the mansion. This time, every step felt like wading through mud.
***
Kyoko paced around in her small apartment. 'I need to keep Asuka, that's for sure… but it's not the point here. What-'
She suddenly found herself in the doorframe of a larger apartment, one she shared with her then-husband, one in which they lived once Asuka was born. 'What? Why?'
It was slowly getting dark; the hot and dusty air of the afternoon was slowly changing into still warm but far more breathable air of the evening. Most European countries had not suffered from the Second Impact as severely as the island nations did, but the climate change has affected everyone, especially in the older cities that were already suffering from smog and elevated temperature.
Taking a lungful of the evening breeze, Kyoko braced herself and took a step towards the apartment's interior, only to stop on hearing something unexpected: sobbing, coming from somewhere near. Following the sound, she entered Asuka's room – and Asuka herself, even smaller than one she remembered from the hospital. The girl had her face in her hands and did not even notice her until Kyoko sat next to her. "Hello, dear" she addressed her softly. "I thought you could use some company" she smiled carefully.
The girl raised her eyes, red from crying. "Sie streiten, wieder" she complained between sobs.
"They fight again"
Kyoko sighed. Standing up, she patted the girl on her head. "Ich bin gleich zurück" she told her. The raised voices were clearly audible, so when she exited Asuka's room, they became almost deafening in their attempts to speak over each other. She sighed once more. 'Is my other self saying I had a lousy taste in men? On the other hand, show me a relationship that doesn't have a fight once in a while…'
"I'll be right back"
Her thoughts were broken by a particularly vicious yell from her and the sound of door slamming; her husband has just departed the bedroom, his face angry. "Don't you dare walk out on me, idiot!" Kyoko recognised her own voice, followed by the sound of door opening and sight of her younger self following him. They both ignored her, of course. Entering the bedroom, she noticed a broken lamp, its glass parts embedded in the carpet.
'All right, but not all couples destroy things in the process… I don't remember it being so bad, though…'
"Sind sie weg?" Kyoko turned to the doorway. Little Asuka was standing there, eyeing the destruction.
"Ja, sie sind weg." She approached Asuka and hugged her tightly. Her thoughts raced.
"Are they gone?" "Yes, they are gone."
'Asuka stays… but he is gone. Well, it's not that hard to achieve…'
She felt her surroundings shift; she released the girl and rose to her feet before opening her eyes.
"Would you marry me, then? For your happiness, my happiness… and the happiness of the one you just told me about?" He was kneeling in front of her, holding a box with a ring in his hand, his other hand tucked behind his back, his head bowed courteously.
In hindsight, Kyoko realised she should not have been that brutal to him, creation of her mind or not. But at that very moment, this seemed just appropriate. Fuelled by a flood of memories, she started:
"Let's see, my love… so we could marry, have a first serious fight as soon than a week later and not talk to each other for another week, then keep having a fight every week when we're around. Spend more time separate than together. Then, we would scandalise our parents with the fact that a little girl would be born mere six months after we tie the knot, and keep fighting, often in front of her" she stopped to draw breath and savour the look on his face, slowly turning from a smile to shock, then to abject terror. "Then, when my work causes me to become infirm, you'd just drop me in the hospital and start cheating on me with a nurse or a doctor, forgetting the 'faith' and 'in sickness' parts, and then I'd die and you'd live a happy life with the same woman you cheated on me with… let me think… no." Kyoko stole a last look on his face and turned away.
A string of images followed: his very formal farewell; nights of doubt; a discussion with her parents, ended with them hugging her. 'Aren't you getting optimistic here? They would likely not disown me, but I'm quite sure they'd pressure me to either abort and find someone else, or even reconcile with this asshole…'
The scene wavered, but did not go away; it continued to her work in the Institute with the child being taken cared for by her parents, her failed Contact Experiment – but this time, ending with her never killing herself, but dying in her sleep later, when Asuka looked definitely older – and less traumatised by the events.
She found herself once more on the yellow-bricked road, with a wall a step away and a tattered figure already standing behind it.
"Perhaps you're right it'd be better. Perhaps you're wrong. Perhaps my optimism went to you" Kyoko smiled a crooked smile. "But this is your place, your dream, your fantasy, your… fixes. So, let's stick to that, shall we?" She took a step closer and noticed with some surprise that her other self did not retreat. "Where to now?"
My work situation is unchanged, but there has been enough time in-between putting classes together and doing code reviews to squeeze some text out. After this update, there are only two more until the end of the chapter.
My apologies to those that expected more information on Yui's whereabouts - her scene had to be shifted further in the story to keep the consistency. Should turn out in the next update (planned in two weeks - my beta-reader went to desolate lands herself and cannot assist me at the moment).
For those interested on the background issues I encountered, see the spoiler below.
I hit a minor snag here. The canon is silent on the matter of Kyoko's parents, so I had to perform some deduction to decide which parent is Japanese and which one is German; the naming conventions (Zeppelin-Soryu) would suggest that father was Japanese and mother German, bringing the aristocratic Zeppelin as the second one (double names, while common after marriage, are rarely taken by the child, as I understand German naming conventions – with the exception of aristocratic names). A counterargument to that would be the convention Asuka uses (Langley-Soryu, where Langley is definitely not an aristocratic name and clearly Kyoko has not taken Langley-Soryu as her married name – the gravesite shows "Soryu Kyoko Zeppelin"). Another option is that I am reading too much into it and NGE creators did not care – and thus nor should I.
Long story short, as this is pretty arbitrary (and minor, but I tend to obsess over minor details in stories), I would be thankful if someone with better knowledge about the naming traditions tell me whether I have made an error or not.
...and those are aspect of the language that are easy to stumble on when you're not a native user. I certainly did not want to imply a physical fight, things were bad in that marriage, but certainly not that bad.
I'm leaving this one it, it is, after all, a child speaking. While I hold my narration to high standards, dialogue should sound natural. Same goes for "spoken" English, punctuation is more for the cadence than grammatical correctness.
Thank you! Contrary to most people I know who learn German and claim it is a nightmare, I actually enjoy using the language. It allows for a lot of creativity - and I like the melody of the speech itself. Thus using it in the story is fun.
'I was young and stupid… well, not stupid, but certainly careless. I… I followed the path of the least resistance. I took the first man that gave me attention, and I followed him, spent time with him, gave him what he wanted so that he'd keep providing me with his company, nodded when he made family plans… Then I realised I was careless with my contraception, I panicked, told him, and… well. This happened.'
Yeesh, would this be terrible stuff for Asuka to learn. That her mother and father were only together because of an accidental pregnancy, and her father was merely the first man to really pay attention to Kyoko as a woman. Asuka's view of relationships and men is already bad enough thanks to what she did see of her father's reprehensible behavior in the hospital and right after. This would only make things worse.
I'd hope she'd have someone of her own before she ever had to hear this. Or maybe for the best to never learn it at all. Though I think Kyoko would be the first person to tell Asuka she has all the right and chance to be better than that in her own life.
Yeesh, would this be terrible stuff for Asuka to learn. That her mother and father were only together because of an accidental pregnancy, and her father was merely the first man to really pay attention to Kyoko as a woman. Asuka's view of relationships and men is already bad enough thanks to what she did see of her father's reprehensible behavior in the hospital and right after. This would only make things worse.
I'd hope she'd have someone of her own before she ever had to hear this. Or maybe for the best to never learn it at all. Though I think Kyoko would be the first person to tell Asuka she has all the right and chance to be better than that in her own life.
On the other hand, the pregnancy was accidental but not exactly unwanted - Kyoko accepted Asuka, even if she did not give her enough attention (this will come up in the story yet) and wasn't sure how to deal with her. But yes, the fact that her mother choose her father only because he was at hand... well, is a bit of a flaw on the idealized image of her mother that Asuka has (having very few memories of her and likely most of them are not even true - mind likes to fill in the blanks).
I believe Kyoko shouldn't share those memories (or even information) with Asuka, at least not until Asuka is emotionally stable (which may range from "in five years if therapist is employed soon" to "never"). And for giving her a better chance... well, this is what Kyoko is trying to achieve at the moment.
There's always option of family therapy, I guess. If Kyoko ever gets out of Unit-02 and if she survives long enough to talk to Asuka in the flesh. And if they find a sufficiently security-cleared therapist. And if there will be a recognizable world to live in.
I was planning to have next A/S-focused piece after the Zeruel chapter (that'd be chapter 10.), and it was supposed to cover outside events from late chapter 6. to some point in 10. (with about the same resolution as previous one did), then possibly one more close to the end. But:
I noticed that What happened, daughter? was quite more popular on FFN and AO3 than Two Souls (I guess people search more by pairing than by fandom, and TS pairing is exotic at best)
I learned those pieces are quite useful as background for the main story, so I keep doing it
I estimated that would make the piece quite long, which is against the formula I want to take here
The idea is now (subject to change if the chapters of TS suddenly begin to shrink) to have one more side-story in-between, either after chapter 7 or 8, then one after 10 - with similar formula as WHD. Afterwards, I have frankly no idea, as Two Souls is written in the gardening mode and while I have a rough estimate of chapter count, I expect to be surprised by the reality.
On the current state of affairs: part 6.9. is written and awaits beta-reading (or, more precisely, beta-reader's return from the steppes), part 6.10. is missing one scene. ETA of the end of the chapter is mid-July, after which I will be taking a little longer break than usual.
I believe Kyoko shouldn't share those memories (or even information) with Asuka, at least not until Asuka is emotionally stable (which may range from "in five years if therapist is employed soon" to "never").
Thank you ^^ Let's face it, with all the tragedy of Evangelion, a little bit of dark humor (for both characters and readers, actually) is an useful coping mechanism (although I am not sure what psychiatry says about that). Writing Pilots as not depressive, but cynical, snarky, yet somehow hopeful is an option. A counter-canonical option, but still.
My incoming NGE AU project (incoming == designed and 16k words strong already, waiting its turn) has something like that - a Rei that grew up in a similar "family" as the canon version (Gendo (mostly uncaring) + Ritsuko (completely uncaring) + lab equipment (best parent)), but a) is an artist (drawing, painting, handmade stuff) thanks to some teacher that saw potential, b) is coming off her meds as the story started (for really absurd reasons). So... that's a (challenging) maybe for me
Shinji and Asuka: ~Joint BSOD~
Asuka: "....Shinji, we're going to go out on another Not A Date right now..."
Shinji: "Good idea."
Asuka: "...and pretend this entire conversation NEVER HAPPENED."
Shinji: "Even better idea."
Yui: Don't worry, we didn't progress past-
Shinji, exasperated: Mother. Please. Stop.
Kyoko: But why? It's not that we are telling you that we k-
Asuka: TMI! TMI!
Kyoko: But I didn't say anything.
Asuka&Shinji, departing in a huff: Good! Keep it that way!
Yui: I think we lost some of the social training while being a 40m tall war machines.
Kyoko: I'd say it was worth it.
The fact that Rei is medicated is canon - her meds are in at least one scene, without identification, but it is easy to assume without a stretch that it is some form of psychoactive medication. Removing her from that treatment is a recurring theme in fanfiction that give her some focus. I'm not sure which aspect of that you see as a fan theory / cop out.
Removing her from that treatment is a recurring theme in fanfiction that give her some focus. I'm not sure which aspect of that you see as a fan theory / cop out.
That if you go with the theory Rei drugged to be a doll route then it take away any real character growth she can have, the thing that makes Rei relatable (to me a least) is that her personality is a result of being a victim of neglect and abuse her entire life, and this kind of abuse happens every day in real life. The drug theory makes this much less meaningful. Plus a lot of authors try to give Rei a brand new personality within a matter months going with the drug theory which is to me a cop out.
That if you go with the theory Rei drugged to be a doll route then it take away any real character growth she can have, the thing that makes Rei relatable (to me a least) is that her personality is a result of being a victim of neglect and abuse her entire life, and this kind of abuse happens every day in real life. The drug theory makes this much less meaningful. Plus a lot of authors try to give Rei a brand new personality within a matter months going with the drug theory which is to me a cop out.
I wouldn't call them being taken as control drugs as a 'cop-out', unless the writing uses them that way, and that's less the drugs fault than the writer. Having Rei involuntarily medicated just highlights them as one more means of abuse by Gendo and NERV, and one more thing Rei can fight against.
IMO it very much depends on how the concept is used (as with most tropes/motives). Assuming the pills include psychoactive meds, there are two extremes (yes I know I'm oversimplifying here):
drugs are all there is to the problem, Rei is coming off the drugs and quickly becomes a normal, if quirky teenager
drugs are an insignificant part of the abuse, Rei is coming off the drugs and it changes absolutely nothing
The former is a clear cop out, the latter can be realistic or not, depends what the author assumes about Rei (canon is not clear on all specifics). Obviously, most stories (that focus on her in any way) fall somewhere between those extremes. The point is: Rei coming off the meds can be used well and is not a bad idea by itself, but it can be used poorly and create Rei In Name Only even if it is not an AU story.
