I like the suggestion, and I am inclined to make it happen. Meanwhile, a little bonus aside thingy with crack value!
[X] Your own body, lifeless but smiling, cradled in someone's arms.
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Interlude - Deadpool
Well, how about that.
An arrow.
There was an arrow in your head.
Thinking was not so good. Nor moving. You have the definite sensation that the arrow has something to do with it. Who used arrows, anyway? It was the twenty-fifth century - twenty-third? Something like that. The Laser-age was around the corner, and so was shooting people with beams and stuff. Bullets were good, too. You liked bullets.
The brain problem was annoying. Your father smells like elderberries! Right, so was that.
"You don't die from anything, do you?" a voice said from somewhere close. It came from a burly guy with a beer gut, a meat cleaver clasped in his hand, and his expression betraying his intent to carve. "How the hell am I supposed to…?"
You managed to catch your breath, and declared with as much authority as you could manage: "Macaroni and cheese puffs!"
Okay, maybe the brain thing was more than just annoying.
You knew Wolvie had his brain messed before - and it had never come back quite right. You were probably bleeding into your cerebellum, and even your ridiculous healing might just not be able to keep up, if you did anything more drastic. Brain damage - that shit was dangerous.
Eh - not like you were using your head much. Fuck it.
You yanked at the shaft of the arrow, still lodged in your temple, and pulled with as much strength as you could manage. There was a horrifying slicing sound, the gurgling of blood - maybe some brain matter came with, alongside a few more IQ points.
For a glorious moment, the colors smelled like awesome, the air tasted like yellow and scantily clad Jean Grey, and the meat cleaver that approached your face looked like cinnamon and chimichangas.
Then your head cleared a bit, though your brain still merrily chirped away. 'In Mortal Danger. Behind You, a Psychopath. Cut his Brains Out.' Okay, was that a fucking haiku?
You managed to stumble out of reach of the burly dude with his overcompensating weapon - and that had no implications about yourself, thank you - and frowned. "That… kinda tickled," you declared, holding one hand to the dripping hole in your head as you grasped for your gun - any of them, really - but you found nothing below the waist.
No wonder it was so cold down there. Your belt had been sliced off at some point, and it was lying a few dozen feet away, along with all its fancy pouches - and your pants.
Your star-emblazoned boxers were on proud display.
Looking - actually, good is an overstatement.
"This was supposed to be easy! God damn it, die already!" The crazy butcher guy exclaimed, and his cleaver headed right for you again - no style, just strength. You idly noted that you'd never actually seen this dude before; he was certainly not the asshole that had put an extra face hole in you.
"I would make a cutting comeback, but I think the part of my brain responsible hasn't grown back yet. Would you do with shitty puns or ripping off other people?" Still a little loopy from the hit, you barely remembered that meat cleavers were bad news - but there was plenty of time left to counter the next slash.
The cleaver carved deeply into your completely unprotected shoulder; you knew that it would heal up in no-time, anyway. That was kind of like a counter, right?
Enough was enough - fun was over. You shoved four feet of razor-sharp sword through the guy's face in retaliation, and sighed as he slumped to the ground. It wasn't the cleanest kill you'd ever made - not by a long shot. But you were still standing, and the glorified butcher was leaking all over the floor.
That was kind of like victory, right?
Right. Dead guy on the floor, pants on the floor - everyone walk the dinosaur. It was a bit confusing and annoying. Not your usual afternoon. Not two hours earlier you'd been slumming in your pajamas, watching Jerry Springer reruns as you stuffed your face.
Then - you'd been shot in the face from out of nowhere! And now your brain had, for some reason, started talking to itself in second person, and you were confusing yourself with every you that didn't seem to fit. Arrows to the head were definitely bad news - you better keep a note, Wade.
The butcher didn't have anything on him that suggested he was a hitman, nor an explanation for why he'd dropped you off in the middle of the fucking desert. In fact, after rifling through his pants and socks, you didn't even come across more than a few hundred bucks. This was just some dead schmuck who had been hired to make a body dump - and nobody had told him about the healing thing.
You were in costume, and you still had your sword with you. Who the fuck was this stupid?
The only thing worth stealing was a shitty cell phone - a Nokia from a year you tried desperately not to remember; you'd spent most of it trying to get drunk, and failing. There was only a single saved message on the thing, a code. You recognized it - you'd used it yourself on more than one occasion. Mercenary shorthand, of the most lethal kind.
They were instructions for a hit - a big-time, high-grade one. Some rich businessman type with three-hundred security agents, probably. Should be fun.
The phone didn't belong to the guy you'd just killed, obviously; it had to have been slipped into the dumper's clothes. Probably by that damned arrow-guy.
With that, your brain finally caught up with the plot.
"Oh, fucking hell. It was Bullseye," you cursed. "Fuck everything with a two-by-four."
This was so not a good way to get hired.
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Look, i'm not gonna let someone else pick what I gotta do, understood?
[X] Take the job. (Duh!)
[XX] Take the job, you need the money. (What are you waiting for?)
[XXX] Take the job, or Bullseye will shoot your head off. (Take the fucking hint!)