"Do you have everything?"
"Yep," I replied as I double-checked the contents of my bag.
I felt a soft tap against the top of my head. I looked up to find mom with her palm still extended. She smiled when we locked eyes.
"Even your lunch?"
"Mom, please. It's-" I checked my bag. Then my eyes fell on the lunchbox, sitting on the countertop. My cheeks grew hot. "...it's not like I'd forget it."
"I just wanted to make sure." Mom's smile grew as she laughed to herself. A soft sigh escaped my lips as I grabbed the box and stuffed it into my bag. I couldn't really get mad at her for being right.
"Alright, I'm heading out now."
"Hold on a minute." Mom stopped me before I could walk out of the kitchen. "Can you drop by your brother's school on the way there?"
"Why?"
"Because he left his lunch here too and he's probably starving already," she explained as she held up a second bento. I eyed it skeptically. "It's on the way. Be a good sister and bring it to him. You're already in middle school, you can do something this simple, can't you?"
I groaned in protest, but took the box anyway.
"Good. Remember to look both ways before crossing. And be careful."
"Mom, I can take care of myself," I said with a huff, walking out the door before she could give me any more advice. I puffed out my cheeks. Mom didn't have to worry so much! Even if a car hit me, all I'd have to do was roll with the momentum and I'd be fine. I'm a tough kid.
***
It didn't take long to find him. Hiro was playing with a bunch of other kids around the same age, throwing a soccer ball around the field. His back was turned, but I could spot my brother anywhere.
I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted. "Ya-hoo Hiro-chan!"
Hiro flinched and spun around. The other kids were already laughing when he saw me. A small frown formed on Hiro's face.
"Oneechan?"
"Your lunch," I said with a smirk, pulling it out of the bag and waving the box around. "Mom made me bring it all the way here 'cause you forgot. I couldn't believe it when I heard Hiro-chan was careless enough to do that." His face got redder with each repetition of his name. It was so fun teasing him. I was gonna get hell for it when we got back, but I couldn't—no, wouldn't help myself. "I know you're a grade-schooler now, but that doesn't mean…" I smirked.
"I told you not to call me that!" Hiro jumped up to try and catch the box, which made my smirk even larger. I just casually lifted the lunch box further up.
"You got mean," he frowned, accepting he couldn't overcome my height advantage. But he still stood on the very tips of his toes, hands stretched over his head in anticipation.
"I like to think I'm being honest." With a shrug, I tossed it to him. "Hiro-chan."
The glint in my eye wasn't malicious. Playing with Hiro-chan was just too much fun. That was why I did it. It wasn't the only reason why I did it...
But I felt like we were getting along better. Because I was teasing him more often.
Fancy that.
***
School was nice. It was the usual, nothing special.
I liked it that way. I'd grown accustomed to the mundane routine. I walked through the familiar corridors of the school. I walked past the same posters on the walls. I sat at the same desk in the classroom. I listened to the same teachers, and I hugged Yuu in passing. Tried to hug Yuu in passing. A girl that small should not be that strong, and I got held down and chatted at until the teacher came. Yomi joined in halfway through.
None of my classmates were missing in a violent otherworld. None of my friends were trying to break their own souls. Nobody had an existential crisis in the middle of class. And no one was trying to kill me.
After school I had basketball practice, where I leaned back and let Rock work out her frustrations.
We didn't kill anyone.
It was nice.
I'm pretty sure Rock liked it too, though she'd never admit it. Maybe that was the wrong way to think about it, but fighting — dribbling, shooting, passing — made us feel whole. I dunno why. We just liked it. It was a lot of fun. And we were good at it, too.
After practice, I showered and went home. Mom made dinner and we ate together, like a normal family. She asked us about our day. Hiro complained about me calling him "Hiro-chan" and I complained about him complaining about me calling him "Hiro-chan". Mom scolded us both. Dad would have probably laughed if he were there.
It was... nice.
And then I went to sleep.
***
Storm-clouds swirled above me. I lay on ground that was only arguably solid, a trembling, rocky landscape crowned with jagged metal mountains on the horizon. The air crackled with anticipation, and I felt stretched. I was at once the landscape, the girl, and an eye looking down from above.
If normal mornings needed time for me to collect myself, then right now I needed time for dissolution. Was that the term? Yup, I decided. I could feel myself fall to pieces, less like a broken doll and more like a pistol being readied for action. Certainly, not all of me was here. I'd learned to enjoy the sensation; it wasn't often I got to talk to my other half. That was almost certainly the wrong way to think about it, but then again, we'd been separate people until a few months ago.
Sort of.
Old habits died hard, was the point. Where was Rock?
I made to get to my feet-
And a bullet smashed the ground by my foot, spraying a cloud of debris that clattered against my body like the world's most violent high-five. Instead I rolled to the side as more bullets flew by, one of them ripping a new hole in my shirt. I kept rolling until I slammed into a rock. I covered my face as part of it exploded, sending shards of stone flying everywhere, but they couldn't reach me. I was safe for now.
"Rock!" My voice was aggrieved, excited, angry. I chanced a quick glance over the top of the rock, only to immediately duck again before she could take my head off. "Would it kill you to use words!?" I snapped, deliriously.
Rock didn't respond. Not with her voice. Instead, she hopped onto a ledge and swung her cannon, trying to find an angle where she could shoot me. I huddled behind the rock, cursing to myself as I realised I had no way out of this — forgetting myself as most of me joined the storm.
Every night. Every single night. It was always the same! And it always ended the same, too. But that didn't mean I'd just lay down and die!
A bullet slammed into the rock, telling me her response. 'Hold-'
Another. 'still, so-'
And another. 'I can-'
And one more. 'Kill you already!'
I circled the rock, keeping it between myself and Rock for at least another second. A distant mountain crumbled, then rose again, glowing a bright, solidifying red. Metal spikes were clad in granite. A valley full of ashes burned to dust, swirling, then came down as raindrops.
Rock didn't talk. Couldn't talk. She gets the meaning across through violence. And while I'm sure as heck not letting her know, it was exhilarating. Hearing her voice, even if it wasn't a voice, was one of my favourite parts of the dream.
I was getting better at listening. It's hard not to learn how when you get murdered every single night.
I know I'm a weirdo for enjoying it.
The cyclone pulsed once, as in agreement.
"Well, holding still won't let me win, will it?" I teased, jumping back behind another rock that I was sure hadn't been there a moment ago. "Though neither will hiding… right? Can't defeat my violent and Hiro-teasing impulses by hiding from them- whoa!"
I'd chanced a second peek out and spotted Rock's cannon switching from machine-gun mode to a really cool rocket launcher, soo… "Getting tired of the hide-and-seek game?" I shouted. "Though it'd be easier to win if you'd let me have an inner monologue!"
I said that, but I was laughing.
My legs carried me away as a rocket hit the boulder, the landscape squirming around me, and even that thought made its way to Rock in some non-verbal fashion. Then the explosion caught me. I felt it hit my back, the heat of the flames and the shockwave making mincemeat of my insides and sending my ears ringing. The ground shook. A shard of rock hit my left hand, snapping it at the wrist and tearing off most of the appendage. A black, tar-like substance oozed from the stump. My vision was blurry, my feet unsteady, my heart — well, the term I'd decided on was 'jam'.
It was amazing.
I shot back at Rock with a sidearm — because she was expecting it, not because I thought it'd do any good — as I ran and tried to recover. She didn't even bother dodging. The shots ricocheted harmlessly off our gun, not even leaving a mark. Rock aimed her cannon at me again and fired, but I'd already jumped.
The second shot didn't miss, and my entire body evaporated.
***
"I am a bit sorry, actually."
Rock, or whoever she was now, sighed as she looked at my remains — a hand, a few drops of blood, and the tar that had come from my stump. There wasn't much left to look at.
It was always strange being the one sitting at the back of her mind. The clouds trembled overhead, then flashed white. A whirlpool formed above her. The spoils go to the victor.
'Why?' I asked. 'It's not like you're doing anything I didn't ask for.' I was pretty sure that, whatever she was apologising for, it wasn't the nightly murder. She hadn't ever shown any indication that she was sorry about that.
"I'm just... feeling a little nostalgic. It's not an excuse, I know. But... I'm sorry."
Rock let her hand-cannon drop. It evaporated into little black particles, then disappeared into the air. Her shoulders slumped, and she sat down, staring at my remains.
I was still not sure how to feel about that. She'd helped me save Yomi, then Yuu, and then she'd taken it on herself to teach me how to fight. I don't think that would have gone so well if she'd waited. It was like I was nine again, coming home with new bruises every day — and Mom had commented on that, saying I felt livelier these days — but I'd thought that wasn't right. That I should be nice, calm, and collected at all times. I had a hard enough time convincing people I was a girl.
Rock, however, did not care. And she was starting to convince me that maybe I shouldn't either.
'You're not a bad person,' I said. I believed that. I had no doubt about that.
She chuckled. "I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean," she replied, looking at the sky. "Kuroi Mato claiming that Kuroi Mato isn't a bad person... that's a little narcissistic. You're part of me."
I shrugged. Mentally, at least.
"I couldn't save you," she continued, "so I don't think you should listen to what I have to say. But, please, promise me one thing." Rock got to her feet, then stared at my severed hand. She reached out and held it. "Don't lose yourself. Don't become someone that you aren't. I'm your true self. You're the way we see the world. I'll keep fighting to find an answer, so-" Her breath caught, momentarily. "-keep giving me a reason to."
Her words were sincere. I could feel it. And yet...
'I'm not sure I understand,' I said, and I was being honest. 'I get that you want me to be myself. I'm trying. I'm trying, Rock.'
"You're trying." Rock nodded. "That's enough. You're a good kid."
She sighed again, then dropped my hand. The whirlpool overhead was concentrating, forming a small point of light that got brighter and brighter. It was time to wake up. Hey, Rock, don't break our alarm clock!
"I don't know if you're ready to learn this, but..." Rock sat down, on a rock. Did any of the scenery exist until we noticed it? "I shouldn't be older than you. Mato, I..."
She wasn't, though. Older than me. We looked like twins — identical twins, especially since I'd changed my hairstyle to match Rock's — though Rock did sometimes have these flashes. Moments where she seemed so much older than me, like an adult. Moments when she was tired, and distant, and...
She smiled, softly.
"Six months from now, we'll die."
The sky flared again. The world around us disappeared. Rock vanished. The clouds started falling, slowly, and then faster and faster. Then the clouds started disappearing, and the dream was over.
***
I woke up with sweat covering my brow, hands so tightly clenched that I'd be drawing blood if that was still an option.