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Athene said:
Also my greatest regret is that this movie is not available to stream:

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My first thought:


Also, there's a strange, horrifying synergy to the idea of Cannon Films trying to make a JoJo adaptation. That series would resonate with Golan and Globus in ways that science isn't equipped to predict, and the result would probably involve at least one court case.
 
But seriously, was tired yesterday and my bank fucked me something awful with some bullshit, so I'm trying to fix the negative balance all their bullshit overdrafts gave me.

So review is coming but I have to make do. :(
 
Hey if you ever want to know Cannon's Deal, when they had a sleezy movie theater in this movie, its playing their own Movies.
 
When we last left off on Kinjite, hope was dead and I had brought this on myself. For the longest time this movie was impossible to get on streaming so I never watched it, and I never saw it at the store either. They were probably working on a way to make sure it stayed a thousand feet away from a school or playground at all times. If you stream it, Amazon has to notify all your neighbors. Yet I watched it and I only wrote about half of it last time, so I have to tear off this band-aid.

So where were we? Oh yeah, Crowe had leapt from a car to yell at Japanese people to go back to Japan. He has to be dragged back to the car by his partner. Nothing comes from this, its just to let us know he's a racist prick. Sorry, the trivia on Amazon says he's just "saying what people feel about Japanese Growth." My mistake, if it comes from a place of fear and ignorance, it can't be racist. Its just economic anxiety. Meanwhile, the youngest daughter of Hiroshi is criticizing her school. She doesn't think she'll need an abacus or calligraphy in life. Hiroshi Hada laughs at her, saying he thinks Japan is doing pretty good despite what she thinks about their education system. Its 1989, so look upon Japan's works ye mighty and despair. Its all up hill for Japan from here. Nothing bad happening soon, no sirree.

Anyway, his oldest daughter gets abducted by Duke in Echo Park. She's Japanese so he lures her into the car by asking where her school is and she just wordlessly hops right the fuck into the car. You might be like "Moira, what the fuck? What about that is Japanese?" and I'll be like "CANNON FILMS. THEY THINK IT IS." and you'll like "Are you ok? You have a real wild look in your eyes right now and you're yelling pretty loudly" and I'll be like "NO. OBVIOUSLY. NO I AM NOT OK. PLEASE HELP ME." See the captain and the school and everyone is like "Japanese Children do not disappear, their programming won't allow it! They only eat, sleep, and go to CRAM SCHOOL".

No less than 5 minutes are spent explaining patiently to Crowe like he's the dumbest motherfucker in the world, that anything beyond straight abduction is impossible because she's Japanese. Japanese children have no hopes, dreams, personality, or desires. They can't get in fights with their parents, they can't be disobedient, they can't do anything but go to school. A Cannon vision of a high school anime is everyone sitting there doing math for 20 minutes an episode, for 14 episodes a season, until they graduate and take over the world one real estate deal at a time. They're buying the Empire State Building!

So I'm going to rip a band aid off here and handle everything related to what happens while Fumiko is a victim of child prostitution in one go. Ok? Ok. She's getting god damn chain raped during all this. Yeah. They in fact cut from her headmaster saying she's a spherical innocent of pure pureness to guy number 2 coming out of the room and tapping the next guy in. Yeah, its that fucking gross. Hey remember that weird fucking racism I was just talking about? I bet you're thinking "Oh I bet that plays into how she's sexually abused by a client, in this whole underage prostitution plot" aren't you? Except you're not, and if you say you were, you were either a god damn liar or operating on Cannon's god damn bizarre wavelength. Yeah, a pervert says he's there to officially punish her on behalf of her school for her poor schoolwork and its a Cannon film so its implied she believes him! Because she's Japanese! OBVIOUSLY. And now I'm not going to talk about this, or the rest of what happens in this subplot, anymore. Ok? OK.

So back at the Hada household, Hiroshi breaks into tears at the fact that his oldest daughter has been kidnapped and boy howdy, Brosnan is disgusted. He bails on them and vents to his partner on the car ride back about this having emotions shit. He asks that Rios not consider him insensitive, but how is Hiroshi supposed to die for his Emperor if he's crying like a baby?! How is Hiroshi... supposed to die for the Emperor? Chuck. Chuck buddy. Hey, listen: It's 1989. Your current racism level is somewhere between Michael Crichton and an escaped North Korean robot programmed only for revenge against colonialism. A classy, intelligent response would reference Yukio Mishima but I don't think its that kind of review, so I'm going to ask if you're out of your god damn fucking mind Chuck?!

Maybe you should be reassigned to finding that violent pervert who has been going around raping guys? Suspect description is a 70 year old man, roughly 6 feet tall, with dirty gray hair, wearing a cheap gray suit. Oh no wait, shit, we solved that guy, it was you. Another mystery solved. I don't know where we are on the toxic masculinity compass anymore. A priest had to tell you your over protectiveness of your daughter was getting creepy. The mother church is not normally one to advocate for teenage sexual autonomy but they felt they had to say something about you Crowe. Now you're angry a dude is showing some, some sort of weak, womanly emotion at the fact his daughter was abducted by sex traffickers. That wuss, how can he die for the Emperor at the shareholder meeting of his electronics company now?! The Emperor will be so embarassed! What's that? He's a marine biology nerd and so is the next Emperor? He doesn't have any interest in people dying at his command?! Well tell that to the Emperor that's been living rent free in racist Americas brain! He wants Hiroshi to crash a Zero into Texas Instruments, FYI.

So Crowe and Rios bust into a pornographic movie set and shoot up the place. Turns out that there are multiple Japanese people in the greater Los Angeles area and its not Fumiko. Their tactic of just randomly breaking into places and shooting everyone isn't working out. Crowe gets the teenage girl from the opening scene to tell him where Duke is. Unfortunately she's also still loyal to him, so she phones ahead to warn them. Yes, the sex trafficking victim is a minor villain. After Crowe fucks things up some more all but one of Duke's people manage to escape, but they leave Fumiko behind. Crowe and Rios try to hang a guy off a balcony to intimidate him but they accidentally drop him because they're very, very old. He splats in the water 10 stories below, dead. I guess Crowe should have subcontracted with Suge Knight for this bust. Actually, I think Vanilla Ice could have run this better. He probably wouldn't have let the girl or the security guard warn everyone. He might also have seen the note in the one dude's pocket saying exactly where Duke is without dismissing it as "Mexican Food.".

So Fumiko is home, safe and sound!

And then she's dead. She kills herself ritually (BECAUSE JAPANESE) with her secret morphine stash. It was in her music box. You know how it is, kids and their morphines these days. Her secret medical morphine stash. She just has that. In her music box. The spherical innocent child has a morphine stash. Duke gets his girls addicted to heroin or cocaine, not hospital morphine, so where in the fuck is this shit coming from? Why is she doing this? Better write that girl out of the picture so he has extra motivation to go after the dude.

Don't worry though, Fumiko is a better detective than him. He solves the case because of a haiku she gave him. Turns out that "Tampico, Long Beach" wasn't Mexican food! They never thought to look at ship registries. I mean its just Long Beach, one of the biggest ports in the world. Filled with vessels! How were they supposed to know it was a boat? They checked to see if it was a Mexican food place, I'm fucking serious, but not a boat! Who could have known. Its not like its written, exactly like where to find a boat or anything. They thought it was food!

The movie ends in a big shoot out after Crowe and Rios try to stake the place out in the middle of the night right in view of the ship. Its a pretty dumb firefight full of lots of things that are easy to make fun of but at this point, fuck it. I'd rather talk about stupid ninja movies or how Chuck Norris can be out acted by a concussed box turtle. This is a movie with laughable protagonists who can't solve a case to save their lives, get people killed without repercussion because writing is hard, and oh yeah, one of them is an unhinged maniac. The original working title was "So Sorry" after Gomen-Nasai, and I think it was the right title. I know the script got doctored by the director to make it a Bronson film, but I feel just having the words "We're sorry" on screen for 90 minutes would have been better. The actors are too old, the actresses are too young and Charles Bronson raped a guy.

And thank god, I'm done.
 
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Athene said:
When we last left off on Kinjite, hope was dead and I had brought this on myself. For the longest time this movie was impossible to get on streaming so I never watched it, and I never saw it at the store either. They were probably working on a way to make sure it stayed a thousand feet away from a school or playground at all times. If you stream it, Amazon has to notify all your neighbors. Yet I watched it and I only wrote about half of it last time, so I have to tear off this band-aid.

So where were we? Oh yeah, Crowe had leapt from a car to yell at Japanese people to go back to Japan. He has to be dragged back to the car by his partner. Nothing comes from this, its just to let us know he's a racist prick. Sorry, the trivia on Amazon says he's just "saying what people feel about Japanese Growth." My mistake, if it comes from a place of fear and ignorance, it can't be racist. Its just economic anxiety. Meanwhile, the youngest daughter of Hiroshi is criticizing her school. She doesn't think she'll need an abacus or calligraphy in life. Hiroshi Hada laughs at her, saying he thinks Japan is doing pretty good despite what she thinks about their education system. Its 1989, so look upon Japan's works ye mighty and despair. Its all up hill for Japan from here. Nothing bad happening soon, no sirree.

Anyway, his oldest daughter gets abducted by Duke in Echo Park. She's Japanese so he lures her into the car by asking where her school is and she just wordlessly hops right the fuck into the car. You might be like "Moira, what the fuck? What about that is Japanese?" and I'll be like "CANNON FILMS. THEY THINK IT IS." and you'll like "Are you ok? You have a real wild look in your eyes right now and you're yelling pretty loudly" and I'll be like "NO. OBVIOUSLY. NO I AM NOT OK. PLEASE HELP ME." See the captain and the school and everyone is like "Japanese Children do not disappear, their programming won't allow it! They only eat, sleep, and go to CRAM SCHOOL".

No less than 5 minutes are spent explaining patiently to Crowe like he's the dumbest motherfucker in the world, that anything beyond straight abduction is impossible because she's Japanese. Japanese children have no hopes, dreams, personality, or desires. They can't get in fights with their parents, they can't be disobedient, they can't do anything but go to school. A Cannon vision of a high school anime is everyone sitting there doing math for 20 minutes an episode, for 14 episodes a season, until they graduate and take over the world one real estate deal at a time. They're buying the Empire State Building!

So I'm going to rip a band aid off here and handle everything related to what happens while Fumiko is a victim of child prostitution in one go. Ok? Ok. She's getting god damn chain raped during all this. Yeah. They in fact cut from her headmaster saying she's a spherical innocent of pure pureness to guy number 2 coming out of the room and tapping the next guy in. Yeah, its that fucking gross. Hey remember that weird fucking racism I was just talking about? I bet you're thinking "Oh I bet that plays into how she's sexually abused by a client, in this whole underage prostitution plot" aren't you? Except you're not, and if you say you were, you were either a god damn liar or operating on Cannon's god damn bizarre wavelength. Yeah, a pervert says he's there to officially punish her on behalf of her school for her poor schoolwork and its a Cannon film so its implied she believes him! Because she's Japanese! OBVIOUSLY. And now I'm not going to talk about this, or the rest of what happens in this subplot, anymore. Ok? OK.

So back at the Hada household, Hiroshi breaks into tears at the fact that his oldest daughter has been kidnapped and boy howdy, Brosnan is disgusted. He bails on them and vents to his partner on the car ride back about this having emotions shit. He asks that Rios not consider him insensitive, but how is Hiroshi supposed to die for his Emperor if he's crying like a baby?! How is Hiroshi... supposed to die for the Emperor? Chuck. Chuck buddy. Hey, listen: It's 1989. Your current racism level is somewhere between Michael Crichton and an escaped North Korean robot programmed only for revenge against colonialism. A classy, intelligent response would reference Yukio Mishima but I don't think its that kind of review, so I'm going to ask if you're out of your god damn fucking mind Chuck?!

Maybe you should be reassigned to finding that violent pervert who has been going around raping guys? Suspect description is a 70 year old man, roughly 6 feet tall, with dirty gray hair, wearing a cheap gray suit. Oh no wait, shit, we solved that guy, it was you. Another mystery solved. I don't know where we are on the toxic masculinity compass anymore. A priest had to tell you your over protectiveness of your daughter was getting creepy. The mother church is not normally one to advocate for teenage sexual autonomy but they felt they had to say something about you Crowe. Now you're angry a dude is showing some, some sort of weak, womanly emotion at the fact his daughter was abducted by sex traffickers. That wuss, how can he die for the Emperor at the shareholder meeting of his electronics company now?! The Emperor will be so embarassed! What's that? He's a marine biology nerd and so is the next Emperor? He doesn't have any interest in people dying at his command?! Well tell that to the Emperor that's been living rent free in racist Americas brain! He wants Hiroshi to crash a Zero into Texas Instruments, FYI.

So Crowe and Rios bust into a pornographic movie set and shoot up the place. Turns out that there are multiple Japanese people in the greater Los Angeles area and its not Fumiko. Their tactic of just randomly breaking into places and shooting everyone isn't working out. Crowe gets the teenage girl from the opening scene to tell him where Duke is. Unfortunately she's also still loyal to him, so she phones ahead to warn them. Yes, the sex trafficking victim is a minor villain. After Crowe fucks things up some more all but one of Duke's people manage to escape, but they leave Fumiko behind. Crowe and Rios try to hang a guy off a balcony to intimidate him but they accidentally drop him because they're very, very old. He splats in the water 10 stories below, dead. I guess Crowe should have subcontracted with Suge Knight for this bust. Actually, I think Vanilla Ice could have run this better. He probably wouldn't have let the girl or the security guard warn everyone. He might also have seen the note in the one dude's pocket saying exactly where Duke is without dismissing it as "Mexican Food.".

So Fumiko is home, safe and sound!

And then she's dead. She kills herself ritually (BECAUSE JAPANESE) with her secret morphine stash. It was in her music box. You know how it is, kids and their morphines these days. Her secret medical morphine stash. She just has that. In her music box. The spherical innocent child has a morphine stash. Duke gets his girls addicted to heroin or cocaine, not hospital morphine, so where in the fuck is this shit coming from? Why is she doing this? Better write that girl out of the picture so he has extra motivation to go after the dude.

Don't worry though, Fumiko is a better detective than him. He solves the case because of a haiku she gave him. Turns out that "Tampico, Long Beach" wasn't Mexican food! They never thought to look at ship registries. I mean its just Long Beach, one of the biggest ports in the world. Filled with vessels! How were they supposed to know it was a boat? They checked to see if it was a Mexican food place, I'm fucking serious, but not a boat! Who could have known. Its not like its written, exactly like where to find a boat or anything. They thought it was food!

The movie ends in a big shoot out after Crowe and Rios try to stake the place out in the middle of the night right in view of the ship. Its a pretty dumb firefight full of lots of things that are easy to make fun of but at this point, fuck it. I'd rather talk about stupid ninja movies or how Chuck Norris can be out acted by a concussed box turtle. This is a movie with laughable protagonists who can't solve a case to save their lives, get people killed without repercussion because writing is hard, and oh yeah, one of them is an unhinged maniac. The original working title was "So Sorry" after Gomen-Nasai, and I think it was the right title. I know the script got doctored by the director to make it a Bronson film, but I feel just having the words "We're sorry" on screen for 90 minutes would have been better. The actors are too old, the actresses are too young and Charles Bronson raped a guy.

And thank god, I'm done.
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I think you need to go relax and review another Kratman novel or something.

How about the Aldenata one, where he ends it with them forming a Jewish SS brigade?

That'll blow the old neurons clean.
 
God damn it, I was so done that I forgot entirely about the entire denouement because it comes so out of left field, makes no sense and is extremely offensive. D:

Crowe manages to capture Duke and personally throws him in prison afterwards. There are apparently no trials or anything in Cannon World. Crowe throws him in the Prison Rapist Wing of the prison. You know, the one where literally every prisoner there is prison rapist? They throw him in with a guy who immediately starts raping him as he tries to resist and its played like someone throwing meat or Carole Baskin's Husband to tigers. The prison guard tells him to shut up as he begs for help and Crowe laughs and says "NOW THAT'S JUSTICE", end credits.
 
Like, I can't say enough how I hated this movie. I mean for fucks sake:

 
Oops, in my utter disgust I forgot to post this:

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Trying to make due right now. Reviews of more fun things coming. Got ninjas, commandos, ninja ghosts inhabiting the bodies of aerobics instructors because the creators thought that was the only way a woman would know Ninjitsu, bad dramas, etc.
 
Athene said:
A Cannon vision of a high school anime is everyone sitting there doing math for 20 minutes an episode, for 14 episodes a season, until they graduate and take over the world one real estate deal at a time. They're buying the Empire State Building!
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Can't be any worse than what's on crunchyroll this season. :V
He wants Hiroshi to crash a Zero into Texas Instruments, FYI.
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There's a divide by zero joke here...
Chuck Norris can be out acted by a concussed box turtle.
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Okay, that sounds like something specific and sounds like it will actually be fun for you to review and for us to read.

Just from reading your review, Kinjite is fractally bad.
 
Its weird to give Cannon any small amount of credit, but they really did popularize the Ninja in America. Of course they remained Cannon Films so they also completely botched it most of the time, but they did create at least one lasting fad.

They tend to follow a rough pattern: There are some criminal doings a-transpiring, a random white dude is nearby that knows Ninjitsu, and he tears his way through mooks, ninjas and ultimately one ultimate ninja. Insert various bizarre set pieces and random breasts, mix thoroughly and microwave on high for 90 minutes. There are a couple exceptions of course. They let a Japanese man be a ninja fighting criminal dudes in Revenge of the Ninja, and they let a woman get possessed by a ghost ninja in Ninja: The Domination. The alternative on that one was just having a woman be a Ninja and I mean come on: A woman? Who knows martial arts?! This may be Cannon Films, but there's a limit to how far out we can get with these plots buster and the line of believability is exactly between Ninja Sword Ghost Possession and a woman with agency. On the Ninja Sword Ghost Possession side of things of course.


Way more believable​

We're going to cover Ninja 3 soon enough, but first lets talk about the most 80s of Ninja Movies: American Ninja 2: The Confrontation. It has everything a Ninja movie needs: Motorcycles, incessant synth kettle drums, bar fights, genetically engineered beach ninjas, more incessant Casio keyboard kettledrums, not a single living Japanese character, feathered 80s hair, and finally, some fucking kettledrums on the keyboard. Ok, sorry, that's the last I will mention the fake kettledrums. They are almost completely but not quite entirely unlike an actual soundtrack. They're also way too easy to imitate to the frustration of everyone who knows me now.

So the movie takes place somewhere. Its certainly a place, but what place that is, nobody including the movie or screenplay can say. There's apparently an embassy that exists but is never seen, it has a governor but no head of state that we know of, and it allegedly has leftists somewhere. Doing leftist things. The devils. All we know for sure is the movie is filmed in South Africa because the Kleptocracy of Ferdinand Marcos had recently ended, which was a real bummer for Cannon Films. It is assuredly not set there because apparently some people had some sort of problem with that country in the 80s. I mean, not Cannon since they were perfectly willing to film, uh, dozens of movies there. Like a surprising amount of movies.

Anyway, some people that the movie insists are Marines are tricked into going to a bar by their sweaty, weasel faced comrade. Once there, some local toughs pick a fight with them and easily kick their ass. Once the Marines are safely disabled, the Ninjas can come out and abduct them. The entire time a dude that accidentally wondered onto the set while the camera was rolling hides behind a pillar. What secrets does he hold?


Majestic​

So the US government sends in Sgt Joe Armstrong the American Ninja and his friend, Sgt Curtis Jackson, the American Black Dude. Joe Armstrong of course, was trained by in the ancient arts of Ninjitsu by a holdout Japanese Soldier, and joined the military after losing his memory in a land mine accident, before ultimately regaining his memory after finding his mentor and adopted father working as a gardener in the compound of a weapons dealer who was stealing weapons from the US Military with an army of Ninjas. By contrast, Jackson received his martial arts expertise by being a black man. Standard character arcs really. Anyway, they're now Army Rangers and have been sent to end these disappearances.

They meet up with the local Marine CO, Wild Bill. Wild Bill says all his Marines don't look or act anything like Marines in order to avoid attention from local leftists. He has 20 Marines under his command and he's lost 4, probably due to leftists. The movie really has a problem with how unlike Marines all these alleged Marines act to the point that they have to explain it away as being under cover. Although in all due fairness, after Joe, Jackson, and some Marines are stranded on a remote island by Weasel McSweatface sabotaging the boat, they all go swimming instead of trying to figure out a way out of there. So I guess I can maybe believe that they eat crayons, but otherwise they just don't feel like Marines.

Luckily for the Marines, they have Joe and Jackson with them to defend them. They're also lucky that the Ninja really, really suck at their jobs. For the ultimate human weapons, they seem to be unable to beat literally anyone in a fight. If you had enough of them, these Ninja could maybe overwhelm a child's Taekwondo class through sheer attrition. Maybe. I think any 9 year old with a yellow belt can take down at least ten to twenty a piece. Also you're not actually ever allowed to take off the solid black outfit at any time, because how else will people know you're a Ninja? That's the whole point of being a Ninja: To be seen and let everyone know you're one!


<Insert Power Rangers Putty noises here>​

After they escape from the surf ninjas, they try to tell Wild Bill and his Gunnery Sgt about the Ninjas. Wild Bill is of course having none of this Ninja business. Its got to be the leftists, naturally. The Gunny of course laughs at them, asking "What would they be grabbing you morons for?!", forgetting that 20% of his unit is currently missing. I dunno Gunny, but I think at this point its a fucking concern, even if they're just trying to find ringers for a crayon eating contest! Wild Bill gives them one week to solve this case. Or what, you're going to bust them down to traffic cops? They'll be off the force?

The Gunny says he thinks the army dudes are just fucking around on Whore Island and they'd never last in the disciplined Marines. Gunny, I have seen a Captain beg us, with actual tears in his eyes, to just not get into serious trouble for one month. That's all he's pleading for, a single month without underage drinking, fist-fighting with Army MPs while drunk, rappelling of the side of buildings while drunk, to stop showing up drunk for guard duty, etc. Fucking around on Whore Island would be a welcome and wholesome change.

Anyway, the sweaty weasel guy invites Joe to the kidnapping bar in order for him to get killed. Joe shows up, beats up all the local toughs, has weasel dude spill that its The Lion who is behind everything, fails to save weasel dude from being harpooned by a ninja, and then beats up all the same dudes again. Wild Bill says that everything is really starting to "get on my tits" what with all these ninjas, the drugs and oh yeah, he's lost a full quarter of his unit. Just...right on his tits I guess.

Anyway, they go to a party somewhere with the governor, chief of police, etc. They deduce, rather painfully, that local obviously evil dude Leo Burke must be The Lion. They actually have Jackson go "Leo. Lion. Leo...LION. OF COURSE", like they're on Superfriends. Well that's another mystery solved, although I have to question the value of an alias that's literally just your name. I hate to jump ahead but the guy's organization is a combination of a lion head and a shuriken. My dad walked in when I was watching this movie as a kid and he told me to stop watching a "Cartoon" because I was too old for them. I hate that several decades later I realize he was right to call it a cartoon.


God damn it​

So the Lion has some woman abducted and Joe, Jackson, and that guy whose name I never bothered to learn, go back to the same fucking bar to rescue her. I get that you just kept resetting the room between fights to save money, but come on! But guess what: Its actually fun. Its fun as hell. Jackson is way more fun because Steve James is a Hong Kong\Blaxploitation actor who is having a blast and knocking it out of the park. Dudikoff is competent but he's way less interesting and he actually clearly has less martial arts training at this point than Steve James.

I hate to digress and potentially get ahead of myself, but Dudikoff didn't come back for the next movie. He had some kind of moral objection to South Africa, Cannon wasn't giving him the bigger roles they promised and he was getting sick of martial arts for the moment. So seeing that they had this amazing, fun, black martial arts expert, they realized that they had the perfect person to be the next American Ninja: David Bradley.



Artist's Representation​


So the woman who was kidnapped is the daughter of a genetic engineer who is working with The Lion. He set out to cure cancer and somehow got super ninjas out of the bargain. He keeps talking about his grand designs to help humanity, but at the end of the day, he just keeps accidentally making ninjas, to which I have to ask: Fucking how? How are these at all in even the same ballpark. How bad was your research, how did you accidentally do this? What did your other work look like if the cure for Cancer turned into making Super Ninjas?

"Well, we're working on a cure for AIDS aaaand its Ninjas".
"Time to try to cure heart dis-shit, Ninjas again."
"Alright, cure for the common cold and fuck, its Ninjas. I don't even have to look, I can hear the motorcycles"
"This time, my cure for cystic fibrosis will work and-Oh, I made Ghost Samurai, huh. That's a new one. Oh never mind, it mutated back to Ninjas."

So the drug kingpin created an army of unlimited, vat grown ninja in order to...corner the drug market. They're making genetically engineered, bio-enhanced ninja that they can mass produce, in order to sell drugs more. Well, that's a plot alright. The Lion demonstrates the latest lot by having his head ninja kill them all to demonstrate how good they are. So a bunch of them are dead, to show how good they are, against the one trained rather than vat grown ninja. That they never stood a chance against. Hmmm, I can't help but think that something was lost in the rollout phase of production. Maybe hire like, two more ninja for a hundredth the price of your Genome Ninja Program. Maybe throw a hundred bucks in for red paint for the cheap pine Torii you got from Ikea?

So we get a final showdown! Jackson and the Marines storm the base while Joe takes out a bunch of the Ninja inside, including having a showdown with the one actual ninja in the movie. The one with a shotgun.


"Show me in the players manual where it says I can't!"​

The rest of them prove exceedingly weak to gunfire, which really challenges the core concepts of this entire plan. You spend a hundred million dollars to get a dude that just gets shot to pieces by literally anyone with a gun. These aren't the super Ninja from the Enter The Ninja series where they can spit pocket change hard enough to kill you, these are just below average guys trying to throw ninja stars at people,. I think you'll find there are plenty of Mall Security Guards as it is and they're way cheaper. They'll even bring their own tomahawks! At least the guy in the next movie was just recruiting ninja twinks for the eye candy. It wasn't a good plan, but it was somehow a better plan.

So they gun down a bazillion ninja, Joe defeats the Hawaiian Ninja, the old guy blows himself up with his next generation Ninja, saying all he wanted was a better world and that he was naive. Yes. Yes you were. Maybe at the army of ninja phase you would have realized that something was wrong with your aspirations. Maybe when the guy put in the murder pit with unfinished Torii and giant logo of a lion with a shuriken, you should have guessed something was up. Also Wild Bill has an old army cavalry hat, because whatever, its casual Friday in the Marines. Something, something, yellow ribbon, whatever. The guy looks like someone bleached their Tom Skerritt from Top Gun.

And with everyone dead the movie is over. Joe and Jackson say goodbye to everyone, including the knock off Short Round I never even mentioned because he's not important at all and never will be. Also the little snitch has NSA patches on his jacket, so he probably grew up into a dude that created an algorithm to more efficiently sort through your dick pics. Anyway, he existed and was a thing, with a lot of screen time. But he didn't matter at all.

So its actually a really fun bad movie. The only way it would have been better is if they had a ninja on a jetski or something, but it worked for what it was. The kind of movie where a ninja is on top of the vehicle and you drive it into five hundred pounds of gasoline and explosives rather than just stop the truck and beat him up. This movie has no brakes! Also the movie soundtrack goes into FINAL BOSS territory as the credits roll to try to play you out of the theater. But what a fun ride!
 
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Athene said:
they realized that they had the perfect person to be the next American Ninja: David Bradley.
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It took me a moment to realize you weren't talking about this guy

And honestly that might have made for a better movie.

This was very good. I have to admit I'm looking forward to Ninja 3 as I've seen it a few times at a theater near me and...oh boy.
 
grommile said:
Egomania and the pulverised dreams of starlets and scriptwriters make one hell of a drug.
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I mean, other studios make due with Cocaine. :V

Athene said:
"Well, we're working on a cure for AIDS aaaand its Ninjas".
"Time to try to cure heart dis-shit, Ninjas again."
"Alright, cure for the common cold and fuck, its Ninjas. I don't even have to look, I can hear the motorcycles"
"This time, my cure for cystic fibrosis will work and-Oh, I made Ghost Samurai, huh. That's a new one. Oh never mind, it mutated back to Ninjas."
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To be totally fair, turning someone into the ultimate Ninja probably would cure some of these. Can't use physically strenuous Ninja skills with a defective heart, for instance.
 
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Triggerhappy said:
I mean, other studios make due with Cocaine. :V



To be totally fair, turning someone into the ultimate Ninja probably would cure some of these. Can't use physically strenuous Ninja skills with a defective heart, for instance.
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I mean...

The FEV did originate from attempts to 'cure' a viral epidemic by making the patients more resilient...
 
Athene said:
They actually have Jackson go "Leo. Lion. Leo...LION. OF COURSE", like they're on Superfriends.
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J.K Rowling cribbed this scene for Prisoner of Azkaban and Remus Lupin, True fact.
Athene said:
Although in all due fairness, after Joe, Jackson, and some Marines are stranded on a remote island by Weasel McSweatface sabotaging the boat, they all go swimming instead of trying to figure out a way out of there.
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It's a leftist plot to make the imperialist usa pay the marines for doing anything but their jobs. Duh.

I should watch this movie. :V
 
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