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Metroid: Zero Missions At All

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Samus Aran arrived at a nearby bar, and as soon as she did she heard the noise. Dozens of people on multiple levels scrambled across hardwood floors. The sound of shouting, screaming, and more shouting could be heard through the steel doors, and as soon as it opened she caught a faceful of noise, noise, noise. She waved a hand in front of her face idly, before she just walked through the place, slightly hunched over.

She reached a bar stool, and as soon as she did, the bartender looked up at her. "Whoa...you're tall for a lady." He murmured.

"Irrelevant." Samus said, simply. "I'd like a full-sized keg of Vodka."

The man raised an eyebrow. "...Uh...huh." He looked her up and down. "...You know, I honestly don't think you have the gut for it-"

"You. Keg. Vodka. Mouth. Throat. Stomach. Now."

"Wait, you're serious?" The man asked.

"I am asking for vodka." Samus said, simply. "It isn't so complex a task that it requires you to do mental gymnastics to do."

The man sighed. "You don't need to be condescending about it."

She looked confused for a second. "It really isn't a hard task."

"Yeah, whatever." He said, before he took an empty keg and slammed it on the floor. It bounced once, before he took a nearby bottle of cheap vodka and poured it in. As he did, Samus simply stared, with her chin supported by two hands. He rolled his eyes once, before popping the cap off of another one and pouring it in. He poured another, then another, then another. He looked at Samus once as soon as the barrel was halfway full, only to watch her look at the barrel, then at him, before she motioned to have him keep going.

Eventually, the damn thing was filled to the brim. In a motion that would impress most weightlifters, the bartender slowly picked the barrel up, with the machinery in his arms whining as he did so. He slammed the keg onto the table, immediately alerting everyone in the bar to the massive fucking keg in front of him.

Tired and weary, he waved his hand to Samus's face. "That...fuck...will be four-hundred fifteen-" He was answered by a card sliding onto the tabletop. "...ceds?"

"It's on the card." Samus said, before she quickly grabbed the keg by the handles. She stumbled backwards with the entire bar watching, before she tilted the keg upwards, brought the front end to her mouth, and proceeded to rip the cap off with her teeth. There was a loud splashing sound as a torrent of cheap vodka went straight to her face, before she quickly opened her mouth and started chugging it.

Nobody said a word as Samus Aran, destroyer of worlds, chugged a full keg of cheap, shitty vodka.

[=]​

A/N: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
 
Clearly those years of genetic-therapy enhanced mathematics have been used to realize that the optimal method of ingesting alcohol in such a manner as to overwhelm her Chozo-enhanced liver's resistance, is to consolidate what would otherwise be a tedious slog through dozens of vodka bottles individually. Why, her system might have already begun burning through said vodka before she even reached the seventh bottle!
 
How big of a keg we are talking about? I'm not familiar with the sizes wine kegs come in, but your standart garden-variety barrels have like ~200 litres in them. Vodka bottles (at least from where I come from) usually range from 0.5 to 2 litres a pop.

The description seems to imply that keg was smaller than that, but that was still mighty strong of the bartender, implants or not. And whole shitton of bottles too.

...on a completely unrelated note, now I have a headcanon about why Samus wears her hair as long as she does. Finding something that could cut it instead of the other way around might not be a simple task as one would imagine where Chozo genetic engineering is concerned.
 
Yikari said:
How big of a keg we are talking about? I'm not familiar with the sizes wine kegs come in, but your standart garden-variety barrels have like ~200 litres in them. Vodka bottles (at least from where I come from) usually range from 0.5 to 2 litres a pop.

The description seems to imply that keg was smaller than that, but that was still mighty strong of the bartender, implants or not. And whole shitton of bottles too.

...on a completely unrelated note, now I have a headcanon about why Samus wears her hair as long as she does. Finding something that could cut it instead of the other way around might not be a simple task as one would imagine where Chozo genetic engineering is concerned.
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I imagine it'd be a mini-keg, considering that he probably thought Samus was just taking the piss, and there's only so much time you're going to waste emptying bottles into a keg, even if you still expect them to pay for it.

That said, Samus just went from "Annoying female bodybuilder with an attitude problem" to "my favorite customer." That's a lot of shitty vodka he just unloaded all at once.
 
The keg made a loud banging sound as it bounced off of the ground. "I thinksh I should go for a WALK." Samus hiccuped as she stood upright. "Thanksh for teh drink!"

"Uh...your card?" The bartender asked.

"Huh?" Samus turned. "Oh, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooh. Mah caaaard." She slammed a hand on the table, immediately cracking the countertop. "THANKS FOR TEH REMINDUH. Ur a gewd pershon."

"Okay...uh...thanks?"

"WELC." She stumbled her way across towards the door,before immediately slamming her head on another table. This time, the entire thing broke, sending the beers, wines and liquors flying onto the floor. "SHET."

The men and women at the table just stared at her blankly as she stumbled her way back onto her feet, before she eventually reached the door. The entire bar stared as she took a hand and pushed the sliding door outwards. It resisted for a second, before the machinery whined and finally broke. Samus stumbled a bit forwards, before she landed flat on her face in a giggling fit.

[So a Planet-Killing Bounty Hunter Walks Into A Bar...]
[Part 2: The Drinkening]​
 
Samus "I Kill Pirates, Giant Monsters, and Planets" Aran is drunk. Sloppy, stumbling around drunk.

... This cannot end well.
 
She wakes up tomorrow with a hangover, a fine for trashing several major roadways, and apparently public nudity.

Also, in bed with some john named Primuxvii.
 
A Planet Killing Bounty Hunter with a Planet Killing Hangover in "Dude, where's my spaceship?"
 
Just realised something.
What are the chances of this planet being intact by the end of this?:p
I mean, off the top of my head, I can only think of one planet she's set foot on that hasn't blown up.
 
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Grue said:
Just realised something.
What are the chances of this planet being intact by the end of this?:p
I mean, off the top of my head, I can only think of one planet she's set foot on that hasn't blown up.
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Tallon IV? Light Aether (Dark Aether doesn't count)? Norion and Bryyo (however they're spelled)? That's four right there.
 
Ugolino said:
Orbit counts, especially when it's your fault. The Pirate Homeworld didn't blow up either. (Onscreen)
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Steampunk planet is still there, but she did drop a fairly large nuke on it. (Not like it had much of a biosphere anyway.)

Planets Destroyed:
Zebes
SR-388
Dark Aether
Phaaze

Planets Spared:
Tallon IV
Light Aether
Norion
Bryyo
Elysia (technically)
Pirate Homeworld

That's... marginally better. 60% odds of survival.
 
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