You know something funny, I never expected something like this. Sure, you read stories about how it happened to other people and how they would've reacted, but trust me, nothing can prepare you for it. Oh, you must be wondering what 'it' is, well by 'it' I mean reincarnation. And not just reincarnation into another living being, but into another world altogether.
Now I will spare you all the gruesome and frankly traumatizing details of my 're-birth' and just get to the part where I'm held in the arms of a strange woman, who I assume to be my body's mother. Don't get me wrong, she was a beautiful woman, when I say strange I mean her freaky white eyes. She had extremely long black hair, fair skin tone, very strange featureless white eyes and her face was stoic but I could see a playful smile on her lips. Her hair was bit disheveled, there were dark circles under her eyes and it was clear that she was exhausted, which is understandable seeing how she just gave birth to my new body.
Now don't judge me, but until you've seen it yourself you won't realize just how freaky those eyes look up close and personal. And she was not the only one with those strange eyes, no, there were several other people in the room with the same eyes.
I was exhausted from this whole situation but was determined to stay awake and learn what the heck was going on right now. Several people were surrounding the bed and looking at me and my new mother. All of their faces showed very little emotion and they all looked kinda similar to my new mother, so I assume that they are somehow related.
"Hitomi, you gave birth to a very healthy and strong son, Hitoshi would've been proud." said one of the older looking people in the room in Japanese, with a slight accent I was not familiar with.
"Yes, too bad neither of us will live to see him grow up." said Hitomi with a small smile on her face but clear sadness in her eyes "How long do I have left?"
"An hour at most. The medic-nin tried to do what they could, but your internal bleeding is too heavy." said the person to her left.
"What will happen to him once I die?" asked Hitomi while still intently looking at me.
"He's a son of a main branch member, he will be raised as one, you have my word." said the person to her right.
"Oji-sama, thank you." said my mother with a very tired voice.
"Now, what would you like to name him, Hitomi?" said same person, who I suppose is my mother's uncle and therefore my great uncle.
"I will name him Hiroshi in hopes that he will have better luck than either of his parents." said Hitomi.
"Hmm, its a good name, a strong name. Hyuga Hiroshi it is." now when my great uncle said that everything came into place. The white freaky eyes, the stoic faces and most importantly where I am.
"Let us leave, let Hitomi spend her last moments with her son." said one of the elderly looking people and they all shuffled out of the room. My mother was looking at me with sad and tired eyes, but at the same time they were full of love. While I did not know her for long, that hour that I spent alone with her, will eventually become one of my most cherished moments and her last words always stuck with me for the rest of my life.
"Hiroshi, neither me nor your father will live to see you grow into a strong and happy man. But even though you might not remember, I want you to know. I want you to know that we both love you very much, nor matter what happens in the future we will always be proud of you. No matter what happens, know that we are always looking over you." and with that, the woman who I would never be able to get to know and call mother, died.
But the most weird and confusing thing was what happened next.
Passive Skill acquired
"Mother's Last Words"
LVL:MAX
+10 WIS
"You heard the last words of your mother, she imparted great wisdom to you."
A/N:
This is not true self-insert, its more along the lines of OC-insert.
This is one of my stories on FF.net I actually lost data on my external HDD that I stored most of the edited chapters of this story. This version is from my old back up on my USB. What I would like to do is use the help of all SVers who read this story in order to polish it up.
"Hitomi, you gave birth to a very healthy and strong son, Hitoshi would've been proud." said one of the older looking people in the room in Japanese, with a slight accent I was not familiar with.
Now, how do I understand Japanese you would ask, well I in fact had been in Japan several times on business. I was working for a company that had a strong relationship with another company in Japan. I was usually provided with a translator when I was sent there, but eventually I just got tired of it and decided to learn the language. Basics were not as hard as I thought it would be, I had some familiarity with basic words in Japanese due to strong love for Japanese anime and games. Bringing it up to business level and actually talking it with native speakers was hard but let me learn much faster.
Second, don't do this. Lampshading is better than talking about how you know Japanese. No one wants to know, it starts ringing Mary Sue bells, and if it doesn't directly affect the storyline you can get away without even mentioning it.
Particularly because it's questionable whether Naruto is actually speaking Japanese. It's more likely to be like LoTR, i.e the author is presenting a localization of the story.
This is a pointless distraction. If you really want you can put it into the Author's Notes or include it in a later section when the protag is writing his own name. Putting it in dialogue like this is really just inserting an AN into the main storyline; it's 4th wall breaking.
First, don't do this. I don't know why it's so popular in Naruto fanfiction, but it's a clumsy crutch.
Second, don't do this. Lampshading is better than talking about how you know Japanese. No one wants to know, it starts ringing Mary Sue bells, and if it doesn't directly affect the storyline you can get away without even mentioning it.
Particularly because it's questionable whether Naruto is actually speaking Japanese. It's more likely to be like LoTR, i.e the author is presenting a localization of the story.
This is a pointless distraction. If you really want you can put it into the Author's Notes or include it in a later section when the protag is writing his own name. Putting it in dialogue like this is really just inserting an AN into the main storyline; it's 4th wall breaking.
I second all that @Schwep mentioned, also might I suggest another format for your skills and passives please?
Use a quote. It's so awesome, and later on, when you if you decide to make a skills tab, you can create use spoilers instead, but for now how the quote would work.
Hyuuga - Passive said:
Level: Maxed [EXP: %0.00]
+10 DEX
+5 INT
"You were born into a prominent clan, the Hyuga Clan. Your bloodline shines within you, granting you the natural flowing grace and dexterity of the Hyuga. May you do your clan proud, descendant!"
(You could also make it so that abilities that DON'T gain EXP ergo, maxed skills simply don't show the EXP progress, also, you can change the quote too, so instead of Hyuuga - Passive, it could read, - Power Strike - Active (Passive), to denote a skill that does both, or the other way around to show that it's mainly a passive skill with an active component, whatever. But yeah, were on a form, make use of what we've got. It'll look nicer and be cleaner in general.)
I'll make myself open as a Beta too if you'd like me to help you with skill descriptions / quotes too. If you want it that is, the hand is there if you wanna grab it.
I second all that @Schwep mentioned, also might I suggest another format for your skills and passives please?
Use a quote. It's so awesome, and later on, when you if you decide to make a skills tab, you can create use spoilers instead, but for now how the quote would work.
(You could also make it so that abilities that DON'T gain EXP ergo, maxed skills simply don't show the EXP progress, also, you can change the quote too, so instead of Hyuuga - Passive, it could read, - Power Strike - Active (Passive), to denote a skill that does both, or the other way around to show that it's mainly a passive skill with an active component, whatever. But yeah, were on a form, make use of what we've got. It'll look nicer and be cleaner in general.)
I'll make myself open as a Beta too if you'd like me to help you with skill descriptions / quotes too. If you want it that is, the hand is there if you wanna grab it.
Are you going to limit the Gamer skills in some way?
Like having a stat limit based on the character's age?
Or a Gamer's Body and Gamer's mind that gradually increase in level slowly gicing access to the Gamer skills?
Are you going to limit the Gamer skills in some way?
Like having a stat limit based on the character's age?
Or a Gamer's Body and Gamer's mind that gradually increase in level slowly gicing access to the Gamer skills?
In the original draft I had only one restriction, no stat growth till the character reaches at least 12 years old. But I might change that depending on feedback that will receive.
You're capable of surpassing all expectations and your talent shines brighter than most others. Your shine is compared in hushed whispers to the legends of times past. Will you live up to it?
[Level 3 (5.96%)]
Chakra cost: 5 per second.
While Active:
DEX is increased by 15%
INT is increased by 15%
WIS is increased by 15%
Range: 50 Meters
The Byakugan enable the user while active to see everything around them, within a certain rage. It allows the user to see with such clarity that they can perceive even the chakra systems of any living being within their sight.
[Level: 2 (22.22%)]
+16% critical hit chance
+55% increase in damage
Strikes the target with an amazingly heavy force. There's no way you'd be able to generate the force this skill puts out without the skill. May Require a weapon of some form, will inflict damage to user if not used with weapon.
[Level: 1 (0.00%)]
DEX increased by 5%
INT increased by 5%
WIS increased by 5%
Ignore 5% of targets DEFENSE
Juuken requires natural flexibility and discipline in its users. Making extensive use of a 'flowing' style of attacks to 'softly' attack the opponent, while the user deals incredible amounts internal damage with their Chakra.
The users of Juuken deliver fatal and brutally punishing combos of attacks, enough to shatter bones, to break people upon their hands. To render all that would stand before them broken and shattered remains, both internally and externally.
[Level: Maxed]
Allows the user to calmly and logically think things through. Allows peaceful state of mind. Grants immunity to psychological status effects.
[Level: 3 (56.78%)]
5% decrease in damage from physical attacks
The body's durability increases and as a direct consequence, takes less damage from blunt force trauma.
+5 INT
You were born into a prominent clan, the Hyuga Clan. Your bloodline shines within you, granting you the natural flowing grace and dexterity of the Hyuga. May you do your clan proud, descendant!
A'ight, done beta-ing the next chapter, I dare say that @Golum936 will have a rather full inbox tomorrow when he wake sup, In the meantime, I'll fix up the archive.
Just thought I'd let y'all know. Chapter should be around 2k words. Dunno if I should be tellin' y'all that but oh well. He can yell at me in PM if he's unhappy with it!
Okay, I can accept the fact that I was reborn into Naruto verse, no problem. Let's go have some fun, mess around with the plot, derail it even! Reincarnation, I can take. Turning my very living life into a game? That's downright sadistic!
Before the reincarnation, the gamification, I was a fan of Naruto and The Gamer, and I'm not gonna lie. It's kinda cool, but knowing what I do about the 'villains' of naruto I'd probably need it to see my life past the age of thirty seven.
I need to distinguish myself as early as possible. Some people think its fine to just stay in the background and have skills strong enough to protect themselves from minor threats and get the heck away from the large ones. I will not be satisfied with that, I won't be satisfied until I'm strong enough to at least take on Kage level opponents, I won't be satisfied until I get that S Rank in bingo book.
I was going to be alive when Konoha itself was ground to dust by a man who thought that pain would bring peace... joy. Suddenly, a thought hit me... had the third war been yet? Would I be a participant. . .
But in the end, I didn't need any of that, I wanted it. I had a chance here, a change to attain greatness, strength and with it, the ability to protect myself. I wanted it. I wanted it so bad it hurt. I wanted to have the strength to decide things.
But first things first, I need someone to change my diaper.
2 years later
After my mother died, my grand uncle took me in. He had two sons, I recognized them both before he even said their names, their names were Hiashi and Hizashi, they were both in their teens, around 16 years old. They both strayed to the serious side demeanor wise, but they weren't so bad. They both cared for me, treated me like their own little brother. They went out of their way when they could to spend time with me, and personally. I believed that I made them happy too, if the hidden smiles were any indication.
While in the manga and anime Hiashi is shown to be a bit of a jerk, as far as family goes he's pretty good. Hizashi is actually pretty cool, he's not exactly the cool older brother everyone wishes for, but he's okay in my book. So far I see none of the hostility that they are shown to have in the series, it probably started after Hiashi became head of the clan. They got along at the moment, they got along just fine. The treated each other as they were, brothers.
I recently spotted the Hokage mountains among the early morning rays, three magnificent faces stood proud, against even the elements. Although the first one did look slightly beaten by the weather. By the lack of the famous Fourth Hokage's face, I can safely assume that Minato hasn't become one yet, which means that I'm somewhere around the third war... I again briefly wondered if I would have to participate within the war.
This lets me get an approximate timeline, I was born around the same time as Kakashi and his generation. Which means that its around a little more than a decade before the Kyuubi gets summoned by Tobi in the middle of Konoha. Which gives me some time to plan and prepare.
This let me know that I do not have much time left and unless I want to get squashed by The Nine Tails I need to show some initiative. Of course it surprised everyone when I started to talk and walk WAY before any of my peers did. I was immediately branded as a prodigy, which did give me a nice title, the ego boost also helped.
"You're capable of surpassing all expectations and your talent shines brighter than most others. Your shine is compared in hushed whispers to the legends of times past. Will you live up to it?"
I swear I thought my grand uncle and all the elders were going to have an aneurysm from how much they tried to hide their grins. They probably rubbed into the face of the Uchihas at every opportunity. And yes, the rivalry between the Uchiha and Hyuga clans was not exaggerated. They might no have hated each others guts, but they sure did go out of their way to compare who got the bigger stick.
There hadn't been a 'true' prodigy born to the clan in any sense of the world for generations. See what the last true prodigy born to the clan had created, I imagine that even if there had been more prodigy's born, they would never have lived up the the expectations of the 'ancestor' prodigy. I doubted I could myself, but hell be damned if you wouldn't try.
Hiashi and Hizashi took turns to teach me the Juken, an honor you had heard whispered around. I picked up on the underlying principles and the stances themselves rather quickly, having the perseverance of an aged man, with the mental pliability of a child, well. I practically absorbed it. The basics however, turned out to be more inclusive that I'd initially thought. The 'basics' to the Hyuuga was the history of it's art, they covered in many exhaustive hours the generations that had worked tirelessly to enhance it for the next. They extolled the sheer bloody minded determination that went into its creation, and it's constant evolution.
From what they told me, one of the ancestors of Hyuga clan, whose name had been lost to the cruel sands of time, created the Juken to defend himself and those he loved without causing serious harm to his opponents. He was a pacifist, who refused to kill or seriously hurt even those who tried to hurt him or his family. One day however, people whom he had humiliated, people who had challenged him in battle only to be, in their eyes, spat upon by the man when he didn't kill them, merely disabled them banded together. They wanted revenge, and they took it. They brutalized his family before him, everyone has their own twist on it, but in truth nobody remembers. It is know that they were killed however, his broken and battered body thrown into the nearest river. His attackers utterly convinced that they had killed him, and certain that even if he still drew breath after all they wrought upon his flesh, that the freezing river would finish him off. Once the Hyuga ancestor recovered from his injuries, he vowed vengeance on those man and their families. He vowed that as long as the those man and those of their blood walk under the same sky, he will not have peace. That day, the very art that he created to protect, he turned into something beyond deadly, that would make everyone with half a brain fear him. He reverted his technique to, instead of protect to destroy. A taijutsu that could kill with a simple tap.. Using the Byakugan, he tracked down every single man and ended their lives and the lives of their families. It's claimed that the Hyuuga ancestor was so deep in his grief, so consumed by his fury that he alone ended five bloodlines, five clans in his quest for vengance.
I'll let you in on a little secret; being born into Hyuga clan is no joke. Besides the fact that the main house basically subjugates the branch house, The training regime that the children undergo is borderline torture, but I suspect that I'm getting no remorse because I've been labeled a prodigy. The muscle memory needed to properly use Juken is freaking ridiculous, in the anime and manga they make it look easy, but trust me it is not. There is nothing easy about hitting a target the size of a small marble while its standing still, now imagine pulling that off in an actual fight. Because we'd had the Juken style taught to us so young, burned into our body, we were almost entirely cut off from any other Taijutsu style. It would conflict with our long honed muscle memory. It also explained why the Juken was such a refined style. We had no other choice. Our bodies, our bloodline over generations had literally changed to better suit the style. But with The Gamer ability, this proved to be a small obstacle, which once again put me in even more elevated position within the clan. Oh, it also granted me a great passive skill.
Juuken! (Passive) [Level: 1 (0.00%)]
DEX increased by 5%
INT increased by 5%
WIS increased by 5%
Ignore 5% of targets DEFENSE
Juuken requires natural flexibility and discipline in its users. Making extensive use of a 'flowing' style of attacks to 'softly' attack the opponent, while the user deals incredible amounts internal damage with their Chakra.
The users of Juuken deliver fatal and brutally punishing combos of attacks, enough to shatter bones, to break people upon their hands. To render all that would stand before them broken and shattered remains, both internally and externally.
Despite the common misconception, the Byakugan is not unlocked naturally in every member of the clan at certain age.
The 'ceremony' to unlock the Byakugan was a simple thing, so simple but so effective.
I was placed within a sealed room, devoid of light and sound.
Simple right?
Untill you consider that a living being is being placed within, devoid of any contact with those outside. The only sound within is your own heart as it beats frantically. Yourself, as your hair moves back and forth across your clothes.
The only thing to distracted me from the devouring blackness were my own thoughts, and before long, even they turned black. Devoured by the soundless room.
It was probably a mostly psychological thing too, and even though the Gamer's Mind should've prevented it, I grew cold. Every sound I gave off returned nothing. The sound, my own whimpers, until finally... I sat, and I wanted out. Even if it was to only see the outside. And that was what made it so effective.
I wanted to SEE outside, and so I did. I imagine if it was not for The Gamer's Mind, I'd have gone temporarily insane.
I once again proved my talent when I undergone the same ceremony at the young age of 3.
Chakra cost: 5 per second.
While Active:
DEX is increased by 5%
INT is increased by 5%
WIS is increased by 5%
Range: 50 Meters
The Byakugan enable the user while active to see everything around them, within a certain rage. It allows the user to see with such clarity that they can perceive even the chakra systems of any living being within their sight.
'Ah, the perks of being prodigy, your own personal room is only one of many.' I sat upon my bed, and decided to give something a try. 'Stats' I 'projected' in my own mind, and low and behold, my status sheet popped up.
Name: Hyuga Hiroshi
[Level: 3]
HP-276
CP-488
STR 2 (7.3)
VIT 2 (12.3)
DEX 7 (24.1)
INT 7 (14.1)
WIS 7 (19.1)
LUK 5 (5.75)
'Well, I'm doing pretty good considering that I'm still only 3.' I closed the character screen and proceeded to project another thought 'Skills!'
The Gamer's Mind (Passive)
[Level: Maxed]
Allows the user to calmly and logically think things through. Allows peaceful state of mind. Grants immunity to psychological status effects.
Physical Endurance (Passive)
[Level: 3 (56.78%)]
5% decrease in damage from physical attacks
The body's durability increases and as a direct consequence, takes less damage from blunt force trauma.
Power Strike (Active)
[Level: 2 (22.22%)]
+16% critical hit chance
+55% increase in damage
Strikes the target with an amazingly heavy force. There's no way you'd be able to generate the force this skill puts out without the skill. May Require a weapon of some form, will inflict damage to user if not used with weapon.
Observe(Active)
[Level: 5 (3.45%)]
Let's you see details of things or beings around you, exactly as it says on the tin. Do you really need a description?
Juuken! (Passive) [Level: 5 (10.23%)]
DEX increased by 15%
INT increased by 15%
WIS increased by 15%
Ignore 15% of targets DEFENSE
Juuken requires natural flexibility and discipline in its users. Making extensive use of a 'flowing' style of attacks to 'softly' attack the opponent, while the user deals incredible amounts internal damage with their Chakra.
The users of Juuken deliver fatal and brutally punishing combos of attacks, enough to shatter bones, to break people upon their hands. To render all that would stand before them broken and shattered remains, both internally and externally.
The Byakugan! (Active) [Level 3 (5.96%)]
Chakra cost: 5 per second.
While Active:
DEX is increased by 15%
INT is increased by 15%
WIS is increased by 15%
Range: 50 Meters
The Byakugan enable the user while active to see everything around them, within a certain rage. It allows the user to see with such clarity that they can perceive even the chakra systems of any living being within their sight.
"I only have 1 more years till I'm 4 before I'll be entered into the Academy, I need to get as strong as I can before then."
You see, the Third Shinobi World War is going strong right now, the age of acceptance into ninja academy was lowered to 5, but special cases were allowed to enter at 4. It was a commonly accepted fact that during the wartime curriculum, that most of the applicants would gradute within five years, when the non-wartime curriculum would last closer to seven or eight years.
"Hiroshi, the elders want to see you." Hizashi's stern voice broke into the room, crashing upon me with their importance.
"I'll be there in a minute Hizashi-oniisama." I answered, and hearing Hizashi's footsteps as they got progressively softer as the teen continued on with his day having finished playing messenger for the elders.
The things are bit awkward right now between me, Hizashi and Hiashi. With me being a poster child of the main family and a prodigy, Hizashi is not sure how to treat me due to his dislike of the main family. While Hiashi respects me for being a prodigy, I think he feels that his position as a heir to main house is being threatened by me. I continue to address them both as my brothers with utmost respect, but unless something changes soon, we will only be brothers in name.
As I entered the room, I was witness to the events playing out within, from my immediate right all the way around the room, in an Upside down U, the elders sat along the edges of the room. Sitting upon the center of the room however, my Grand Uncle, the Clan Head sat with his two sons on either side of him.
He motioned me to sit, and I did. Adopting the formally required sitting position.
"Hiroshi, it has come to our attention most recently that you have made astounding strides in your mastery of both the Juken and the Byakugan." He paused here, something akin to wonder sparking in his eyes momentarily before he was again back to his normal, disciplined self. "It is the decision of every elder, that you are to start learning the special techniques of the Juken, effective immediately. It's our combined belief that you will, and are ready to use those techniques responsibly."
I raised my head, having bowed it in appreciation of what I was being given, "Thank you, Clan Head. Grand Uncle." I stand, rising fluidly from my sitting position, and bow at the waist. An honest and full bow before raising my head, my stance solid and unwavering.
"Thank you elders, for granting me such a privilege, thank you for trusting in me." I finished my statement with a small bow to show my sincerity. With the Hyuuga, sometimes it was not about the things you said but how sincere the things you said were and how you said them. Body language was indispensable and few knew body language better than Hyuuga.
The fiercely controlled smile he spotted on the some of the elders demonstrates that the past 3 years were not spent in vain. The pride glowing in his Grand Uncles eyes, and the small but sincere smiles on both Hiashi and Hizashi makes it more than worth it.
His selection of skills is kind of slim for having been alive for years. Even as limited as his experiences have been, I'd at least have expected him to have maxed out mediation.
Word of advice, you should stick to one point of view through the whole story. This new chapter goes through first, seond and third person, all in the same pararaph sometimes.
You know, the way you were talking about the Hyuuga's ancestors and that scene where Hiashi is talking to Toneri during The Last i kind of got an idea.
Could it be that some members of the Hyuuga Clan actually know about the shinobi living inside the moon?
You don't need a ridicilous number of skills. If anything, avoid it. You'll want to have 'all encompassing' skills for 'ease of use/writing' or else things will get bogged down in details, I would presume.
Word of advice, you should stick to one point of view through the whole story. This new chapter goes through first, seond and third person, all in the same pararaph sometimes.
You know, the way you were talking about the Hyuuga's ancestors and that scene where Hiashi is talking to Toneri during The Last i kind of got an idea.
Could it be that some members of the Hyuuga Clan actually know about the shinobi living inside the moon?
His selection of skills is kind of slim for having been alive for years. Even as limited as his experiences have been, I'd at least have expected him to have maxed out mediation.
This is to demonstrate the single minded focus that he is forced to have right now. He is pressured from all sides due to being a prodigy and he is forced to concentrate on certain skills in order to live up to those expectations. Everything else besides practicing, eating and going to bathroom is done for him to make sure that he is not distracted.
May I just commend you for taking the time to try to improve your writing and actually editing your work when mistakes are pointed out. Those shouldn't really require praise, but so many fanfic writers just don't do either. Keep up the good work! I'll be sure to keep an eye on this story.
His selection of skills is kind of slim for having been alive for years. Even as limited as his experiences have been, I'd at least have expected him to have maxed out mediation.
This, I imagine is because the SI never really got a chance to, he mentions during the chapter that training is borderline torture, and even should Gamer's Body negate most of the physical stress and accumulating damage, and The Gamer's Mind negates most of the mental stress. It still leaves the SI Utterly exhausted, do not forget with how young the child is either.
As a child that young, you're naturally curious by nature, even with the mentality and memories of an SI, he's still a child. And children, are stupid and inattentive. Unless it's shiny. But beyond that, you've gotta consider what kinda pressure the Si is under. He's been labeled a Prodigy, and we ALL know how hard the Naruto-verse rides it's fucking prodigies.
No to mention, that the Hyuga are riding him the little be extra because he's the first true prodigy they've had in at least a generation.
Word of advice, you should stick to one point of view through the whole story. This new chapter goes through first, seond and third person, all in the same pararaph sometimes.
That unfortunately was because I was 'suggesting' changes to paragraphs, sentence structure, and in some cases re-writing entire paragraphs, and I was getting confused between that, and the schoolwork I was doing at the time.
It's why y'all ended up with a paragraph that was essentially written as though it belonged in a quest. You wanted out, you were stuck within the room, the all consuming void of darkness and despair. You wanted light, you wanted it now and suddenly, you saw it all through the eyes of another. Through somethings eyes, through your Byakugan.
Shit like that was my fault, the way tense and the 'POV' jumps around is entirely on me. First time really beta-ing someone, the kinks shall be ironed out eventually!
You don't need a ridiculous number of skills. If anything, avoid it. You'll want to have 'all encompassing' skills for 'ease of use/writing' or else things will get bogged down in details, I would presume.
I'm going to push for exactly this, because yesterday, from just the skills you see here alone I spent a good HALF HOUR getting them all formatted properly for the quotes. (Cries internallybecauseI alsovolunteered for thefucking Archive duty! GRAAAHGGHAHG!!)
Also, what exactly do you find interesting about this story, if you don't mind me asking and if you don't mind sharing?
May I just commend you for taking the time to try to improve your writing and actually editing your work when mistakes are pointed out. Those shouldn't really require praise, but so many fanfic writers just don't do either. Keep up the good work! I'll be sure to keep an eye on this story.
Oh don't worry, I won't let him! I'll keep an eye out too in beta-ing for Golum. As a writer myself, I need to ashamedly admit that I do this, I don't go back because its so much easier to go forward and silently change the problems in the future than looking back over work you've done previously and cringing at how bad it is now that you've improved yourself, even if only marginal. But I don't speak for Golum there, or any other writer, just myself.
Also, your thoughts on the story so far? What are your hopes for its future and or where would you like for it to head in the future?
That question can apply to everyone by the way, what would you like to see in the story, where would you like for it to go? Any pet peeves you'd like to mention? So I can subtly direct Golum into them so that you're annoyed?
As for what I found interesting?
Your character isn't pathetic trash that goes all "THESE AREN'T MY FAMILY/PARENTS/BROTHERS!!!1" whilst causing endless amount of drama about how they 'miss' their 'real family' etc etc. I've always hated those kinds of Self-Inserts. Weak-minded, filthy animals that should kills themselves. Like, you see these characters turn 12 (Narutoverse) and 11 (Harry Potter) etc and they still grieve. After a decade. Refusing to acknowledge the reality they've ended up in and unrealistically 'holding onto old morals' and so on. Humans are very adaptive creatures, and seeing these wangsty gothic teenage writers botch simple human characterisation hurts somewhere deep inside. The worst part is that the author writes a self insert which means they're depicting themselves as sniveling, filthy, immature trash that should be executed on behalf of the good of humanity. Disgusting.
Then there's the 'oh no I'mma not change the timeline huehuehue!' whilst trying to stay 'low-key' in a deathworld where you can attain god-hood, immortality, dimension-jumping, reality-bending powers etc whilst doing their 'very best' to follow the 'canon route'. As if their mere existence hadn't destroyed the 'timeline' already.
You get the drift. You don't do that here. If anything, you should play up the creepy factor that your character is somesort of mature superprodigy never seen before but... Oh wait, then we have Kakashi whom graduates the academy at five and starts killing people in the battlefield. No matter. Continue as you are - Narutoverse because of Yin Chakra seems to naturally have incredibly overdeveloped children capable of 'holding mature conversations' with adults, even if they're emotionally underdeveloped.
It's honestly quite a crazy world Kishimoto created.
The tenses are all over the place. I had this problem before but now I can keep it in check. I suggest rewriting the whole chapter since going on each section individually will leave more errors than correct them.
