CHOCOLATE! DOCTOR'S NOTES! AMY!
Special thanks to my lovely co-author and wife,
@hellgodsrus, without whom I would never would have been able to take part in creating half my fics, and our girlfriend
@SolarFlare for being awesome. Prime Betas
@Tamahori and
@32nd_freeze for being betas and feeding me validation and feedback between updates. And newly appointed Prime Beta
@Ganurath!
Also, if anyone's interested in a slightly smuttier take on Flare's interlude called "Into the Cougar's Den", then go visit Questionable Questing, look for a thread by Fedorable called Totally Lewding It.
Leviticus
4.5
-.-.-
Turns out Amy could write doctor's notes, and basically excused me from the essay by way of 'mental health concerns'. I don't know if it was bullshit or not - or she was actually
allowed to do this sort of thing - but I was willing to try.
Oh, but it wasn't because she was a friend or anything, apparently my screaming had woken her up in the middle of the night and nearly given her a heart attack. So I honestly wasn't sure if the mental health concerns were for her or me. Maybe both.
I didn't get much sleep after the nightmare. Even after Victoria had stayed for two hours, holding me, listening to me as I babbled about what I could remember of it - just pieces of the violence, of Mom smiling as she did it. I definitely owed her one. Or three.
I didn't even wait for first break, I went straight to Abby's homeroom to wait outside until she showed up. "Hey." I waved tiredly to her when she got there - a whole fifteen minutes early. I wished I could have slept in.
"Hey." Her smile was so wide and beautiful at first - I tried to get the image of a long fingered hand around her throat out of my mind - but it fell away. "God, Taylor, are you okay? You look - "
"Like death warmed up?"
"Did Amy call you that?"
"No, she had much more vivid descriptions for me." I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her shoulder. "I'm just - so, so glad you're still alive. Please just - never,
ever go near Mom." I could feel her confusion as she tensed up - "Nightmare. Way too fucking vivid - I know she can - can take things away but if she can
put them there, too, then -" my throat closed up.
Living a false life can't trust anything can't believe anything I thought I know.
"I won't. I won't, I promise." Her arms wrapped around me so warm. "Hey. I'm safe. I promise I'm safe."
"
Thankyou." Deep breath. Trying not to sob again. "Thank you."
"Are you - sure you should be here? At school, I mean? You seem - super out of it, and if you need to go home - "
"H-heroes apparently have dayjobs, and Wards go here, so I'm supposedly safer here."
"You might not be mentally safer. Spoons and such and all that. I can take you to the counsellor's office if you want? There's also a sensory room that's technically meant to be for autistic students but I don't think many people use it that much and it could just be a place for us to sit for a bit and not worry about anything."
"That - that would be wonderful." I pressed my palms at my eyes - stupid tear ducts, stupid scars, stupid
Annette - "I'm - I'm sorry, I'm making you miss homeroom."
"You are about ten trillion times more important than homeroom."
"Ten trillion times zero is still zero." I tried - it was a bad joke. I couldn't pull it off.
"Well, it's not
zero importance to me. It's
low importance but." She squeezed my waist. "Okay. Come on." She sighed. "I'm tempted to have words with Victoria about making you come in at all today."
"Victoria wasn't the - one who convinced me though."
That had been Brandish - with the argument that a 'normal day at school might help' - and myself not wanting to disappoint everyone. "I - decided to. Um."
"Taylor, you need to look after yourself, too." Abby pulled me along, I didn't even know where, it was all sort of a blur of staring at her and wanting her and then we were in a beanbag but there wasn't enough room so she was in my lap and I was holding onto her like she might fade away if I dared to loosen my grip on reality.
Not sure how long we sat there. We missed at least one class beyond homeroom - I tried to ask if Abby had to go, not sure what answer I wanted, and she assured me it was fine, that she could stay -
I nearly dozed off. Humming something with Abby leading me, tails finally uncoiling, finally - finally
able to relax again. Tension draining from me.
I wasn't okay. Not by any measure. But I had more spoons, now, or something? I wasn't sure I was entirely there for the explanation Abby gave, but I had spoons and they weren't too big. A handful of spoons.
Wrapped around the girlfriend in my lap. I wanted to stay this way. Rest of the world could take a break while I calmed down.
"Feeling better?" She asked, smiling softly, stroking my hair.
I mutely nodded. The tears had dried.
"Well - we've got World Affairs next," Abby sighed, resting her head on mine. "The subject's - Eden's going to come up, almost for certain. Do you - think you can handle that?"
I shook my head. "Have to anyway. Can't - miss more class. I'll get in trouble."
"If you're absolutely sure…" She cupped my cheek and gave me a kiss. Long, soothing. "I'll be right next to you the whole time, and then it's break. We can go find Chris and start plotting again or something."
Class was pretty hellish. Eden
did come up, and Mr. Jensen wanted us to 'discuss her in the context of biotinkers, their predisposition towards villainy, and the legal status of rogues'.
"Why
wouldn't they be villains?" I said quietly. "There's only like - five or six of them that are publicly known, and one of them is
Bonesaw. If that's all it takes to get a 'predisposition', why aren't Changers or Brutes considered predisposed to villainy, considering Crawler? Or - if we look at the
overall stats - regardless of lifespan, well over two thirds of all capes are considered villainous. Are all capes considered predisposed to villainy?"
"That's a good point, Taylor. Thank you. Is crime simply easier, or are there greater societal problems at work? Michael, you have your hand up."
"They can make plagues and stuff? And I guess the whole 'human body is sacrosanct' thing, and biotinkers messing with that could make what they do be perceived as villainy by default regardless of their own thoughts on the matter?"
"Then why aren't healers stigmatised in the same way?" Sally-Anne from the club turned out to be in the same class and she leant forward over her desk. "Like, I think it is more social stuff. It's the same reason crime exists in general, really - desperate people do desperate things."
Desperate people do desperate things. The words stuck in my head as, with Abby's arm around me, we dispersed for break.
"Abby, am - am I biased?" I asked quietly as we sat in my usual spot. I'd packed lunch from home - the Dallon's place - and suspected the blocks of chocolate I found weren't exactly… for me, but - chocolate. It helped. "What with M - Annette's… you know."
"Maybe?" She shrugged, letting me lean on her. "Biotinkers have a bad rep but you had a good point about sample size. Anyone can be predisposed to anything as long as you present the statistics a specific way."
"Mmm." I broke off some chocolate and offered it to her. "I just wish -" I didn't know what I wished. Peace, quiet, my life back to normal? "Wish I knew what was going on.
Why she's acting like this."
Why she thinks I need her 'kindness'.
"Some parents just feel like… their kids are their property. Like - like a nice piece of furniture. Or - no, like a not particularly bright pet. Like a lizard or a fish or something." She squeezed my waist tighter. "They might love the pet, and want the pet to be 'happy'. But they want that to be on their terms. What they want."
"She probably
does think I'm a not particularly bright lizard." Damnit, I hope she didn't make my skin bright to show that I was 'poisonous' or whatever. I didn't want to go living my life as a neon green and blue nightmare. I sighed. "Maybe if I just
asked she'd let me go."
"I don't think abuse works like that." She burrowed her head into my side. "I wish it did. A lot of people would be a lot better off."
"Mmm." Abuse made me think of Emma. Thinking of Emma reminded me I needed to borrow Victoria's phone and check it for texts to her. Or - the plan had been to check Emma's phone, but I was desperate to
do something. To not sit around and
wait. "Do you see Victoria around anywhere?"
Abby's face shuttered a bit. "We do still need to talk about that."
"Oh. Right, I um. I wanted to - borrow her phone. See if - if she did text Emma that I was awake on Saturday." I sighed and curled up a bit.
Can't get anything right -
"Oh. Amy's over there, she might know?" Her hand rubbed on my back. "And it's okay. We just - do have to talk about your crush. And maybe being poly."
"I'm not sure I like the idea of being poly. Like - I like you. Like-you-like-you. Like doesn't feel like a word anymore. But - the idea of being with someone else too feels nice to me, but betraying to you? And I don't - I don't want that. And I know you and Victoria have… bad history, so that just - makes me feel even worse about it."
"Taylor." Abby swung round in front of me, looking up at me. "Being who you are isn't betraying me. And my history with Victoria is very complicated and unfortunate, but shouldn't have any bearing on you working out who
you are."
"It'd still feel like betraying you even if it wasn't Victoria." I buried my face in her neck and sniffled. "I don't know. Things suck."
"It's not. It's different, but it's not betraying, okay?" Her kiss on the side of my neck. "I'll try and get some literature and articles on polysexuality for you."
"Okay." I looked up and - that was Amy. Coming over with Chris and giving me a look of - something that didn't seem pleasant. Why - why was
she coming to
me? Did Chris tell her about my suspicions?!
Chris smiled, guilelessly. "Hey guys. I kinda bumped into Amy in the hall over to see you guys. Are you okay, Taylor? I heard about, um. The whole - skipping class thing and just - wanted to see if you were alright."
"Not really but I'm - dealing." I shrugged and let Abby clamber off me and back into her own seat. "Surprised you wanted the company, Amy."
"After that freakout you had at home, Victoria's been bugging me to check up on you." Her mouth dipped into a sneer. "Since she and Dean made up last night." Wow, every day I learn there are new depths to the amount of venom Amy can imply with her voice without actually being venomous. Also curious when she found the time for that after - oh.
Ohh, that was probably why she was awake when I had my nightmare. I hoped I hadn't interrupted something intimate. That would be - even more awkward than things already were.
"Oh, that's happening again?" Abby peered round Chris' shoulder. "Yup! Wow, they're uh. Right back at it."
Yeah. Why did I think I had a chance with her, again? I sighed and held out my hand - Amy poked it, frowned, and shrugged. "You seem fine, as far as hormone levels go. On this side, at least. Well." Her frown shifted around her face, moving down to settle in her jaw as she pushed it from side to side, like she was saying something inside her head and her mouth was trying to keep up with it. "Actually, Taylor. I need to talk to you about some stuff? Privately."
"Um. Okay?" I frowned and looked to the other two - they seemed as clueless as I was. "Where do you wanna go?" I took the half a block of chocolate with me but left my bag behind with Abby as Amy semi-dragged me into the courtyard and to her usual brooding corner under the tree in the corner.
Amy paused, then sat on the little brick wall. "How are you?"
That was - not what I was expecting. "I'm… okay, I guess. Physically speaking. Mentally fine, just - emotionally struggling." I shrugged. "You doing okay?" I offered some chocolate.
"Where did you even find this?"
"It was behind the breadbin."
"Mm." She huffed, her lips curling into what might have been a smile as she bit into it. "So that's where she hides the good stuff." I didn't know if
she was Brandish or Victoria, but I knew there was going to be hell to pay if either of them noticed. "Are you actually okay? Cause I know you have this. Well. You have a thing for Victoria."
I sighed and slumped down against the tree next to her. "Yeah, it's - like, she's hot, she's bi, she's just been so
nice - but, way out of my league, and has complicated history with Abby, who I care for a lot, but I've figured out I'm poly, so my mind can't seem to comprehend monogamy to save my social life. So it's like - I'm okay, but also in a constant state where if I think about things for too long, my carefully constructed emotional house of cards starts to topple. Add in the stupidly vivid nightmares of everyone I care about - which includes you, by the way - dying viciously to Annette as I'm paralyzed in my tank…" I probably shouldn't have dumped this on her.
Amy laughed. Suddenly and long, nearly bending herself double. "Not - laughing at you. Just. Those nightmares. And everything. Do you think she would?" She looked over at me, brushing her hair away from her mouth, where the wind had blown it. "Kill us. I mean."
I pursed my lips. "I - I don't know. I want to say no. She wouldn't. You guys already tried kidnapping me once and survived that so - she wouldn't. Not unless she was absolutely sure you were trying to hurt me."
"Tell me more about her. It just - I've sort of fought her, seen her work. But what's she like? As a mom or a person or whatever."
"Caring, paranoid, balls of steel." I grinned fondly. "You know how the Empire's been around since - ages ago? She was - well, if it weren't for Eden she probably still
would be - a literature professor at the University. More than one of her courses feature her favourite bedtime story to read to me when I was younger -" I paused, my cheeks heating up. "And now that I put it like that, and realise it was a rather explicit lesbian coming-of-age story and that might explain a few things." I coughed, looking away.
"She read you lesbian smut to get you to go to sleep?"
"I thought they were just - passionately hugging! Or something." I hunched my shoulders in as she laughed. "They seemed like really good friends."
Amy's smile was wider than I'd seen it before. "That's what all the historians say."
"Yeah, well - I dunno. Apparently I was pretty clueless about that." I huffed, folding my arms.
Even Emma figured me out before I did. "But she sucked in some ways. Before. The paranoia thing." Squirming uncomfortably. "Even before the accident, she was always worried, fussed over me whenever I went out to Emma's - I remember having a phone, specifically because that model had a panic button - just one press and it'd sent a preset message to whoever."
"I think I remember that one." Amy nodded slowly. "Capes use them a lot, and I saw some old pamphlets for it as alternatives to the medic alert bracelets old people get offered."
"Yeah. That'd probably be the one. No idea what happened to mine, but - I remember she wouldn't let me go out without it. Dad wasn't as fussed, but Mom… yeah. And
afterwards - it was like that, but dialled up to eleven. School, home, no in-between, wanting to be involved in
everything, smothering but - in a good way? I don't know, Abby told me self-diagnosis on abusive parents is - er, isn't, um. Accurate."
"How is smothering ever
good?"
"I don't know I - I think I would have just shut down and self-destructed if she'd gone the other way and been a negligent absentee parent." I shrugged helplessly. "It - gave me something to do, something to think about, someone to rage against. We fought a lot, but always made up after."
"I'm adopted, you know." She had started looking away from me at some point.
Don't say any of the things I said to Victoria last night, don't say any of the things - "Um. I'm not sure what's appropriate to say, so um - thank you for trusting me with this information?" I really needed to look up the social etiquette about that online or something. Or ask Abby.
"I'm not trusting you with anything, you already knew. I could tell you'd found out from Vicky because she got all
weird in texts about it again."
Damnit. Her fingers drummed on her thigh. "My dad. My dad was - I knew for ages I was adopted. Ages and ages. But I didn't know until - well, Mom and Aunt Sarah tell it a little differently but. I didn't know until after I became Panacea that my father had been a villain. They'd found me in his lair and. Taken me in. So." The fingers on her thigh drummed faster. "There's that."
"Oh. Wow, that - " I blinked. "That… can't have been easy, growing up. I've only been with you guys a
week or so and Brandish is… scarily intense."
"It was
fine growing up. Like I said, I didn't know until a few years ago." She scowled. "Carol's just like that. Anyway. I should go make sure that Victoria and her boytoy's lips haven't melted together." She stood up.
"Right, sorry." I winced. "Guess it's just culture shock on my end."
"Sure." She turned her head back to me. "Don't tell anyone about my dad, okay? Just don't." Then, quieter. "But I do get it. The. Parent thing. I remember bits. Sometimes. So." And then before I could think of what to say or offer a hug, she was walking away as quickly as she could, hunching against the wind and with her hands shoved in the pockets of her jeans.
Well…
fuck. If I passed her in the halls, and there was any chocolate left, I was going to give it to her. She needed it.
And - hang on, she mentioned
this side of things in front of Chris like it was nothing! What happened to secrecy?! He - wasn't
meant to know, and I hadn't admitted telling him - had she just assumed? Had he told her about how I'd told him?
Revised thought; no chocolate for her until I got answers.
-.-.-
