Don't Shoot, We're Republican! - A Kantai Collection Quest

[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] Ah. Clearly you are still asleep, and this is just a vivid dream. That is the only logical explanation.
-[X] Do you know where everyone else is?
--[X] If you receive an answer, follow the... um... Northern Princess' directions.
--[X] If you don't receive one, just go looking for the others at random.
Ah... Ahaha.... Clearly, CLEARLY this is just a very vivid dream, and you're asleep! Because this is impossible, and this is the only solution. Clearly.

"Uh... Hey," you look down at the little Northern Princess as she huffs in irritation at you, "Do you know where everyone else is?"

"Reppu," she demands, "Gimme Reppu."

"Reppu?" you wonder what a Reppu is.

She mimes a little plane flying around, making whooshing noises, before repeating, "Gimme Reppu."

Oh, she wants a plane, "Sorry," you apologize, "I'm a Destroyer, I don't have any planes."

She huffs again, and bops you on the knees a few times, "Go home!"

"Alright, I'm going, I'm going!" you yelp, running out of the room as the little Abyssal gives chase.

"Go home!" she chases you up the stairs.

You need to find an exit to get away from the angry Northern Princess! You round the corner and run straight into a stack of papers, sending them flying!

"Uwaaa~" you moan in despair. Oh, what have you done?! The Japanese Battleship that you ran into looks very surprised, but quickly begins gathering her scattered paperwork.

"I'm so sorry!" you apologize profusely as fixes her stack. She's Nagato, you think.

As she lifts her fixed stack of papers, she pulls out a Japanese-to-English dictionary, and replies slowly, "...No... Problem..."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going!" you bow repeatedly, "I was just trying to get away from-"

A tiny fist bops your knee, "Go home."

"Ah," Nagato looks down with a smile, "Hoppo-chan, 久しぶり"

What. You don't speak moon runes.

The Abyssal Northern Princess, Hoppo-chan apparently, reaches up towards Nagato and repeats, "Reppu."

The member of the Big Seven just smiles and puts away her dictionary, pulling out a tiny little Reppu fighter and handing it to Hoppo. Hoppo smiles widely and runs down the hallway, playing with the plane.

"Ah, do not worry," Nagato pieces together with her piecemeal knowledge of English, "Hoppo-chan... rigging scrapped. No danger."

"Oh," you sigh in relief. So she was an Abyssal. Haha.. ha... oh god, she tried to kill you and only couldn't because she's been crippled. That's terrifying.

You should probably introduce yourself. You clear your throat and speak the only Japanese you ever bothered to learn.

"SUMIMASEN," you begin rather stiffly, "NIHONGO O WAKARANAI. WATASHI NO NAMAE WA William D. Porter DESU."

You really hope you got that right. If you remembered correctly, you essentially apologized for not knowing Japanese, and told Nagato your name.

At your name, Nagato's eyes drift down to where your torpedo launchers are normally mounted.
You cry inside. You will never live that down.

"HEY!" a loud, boisterous, familiar voice booms down the hall in overemphasized English, "GOOD MORNING, William D. Porter!"

"Ah, good morning, Kongou," you happily greet the Fast Battleship. Finally, someone who can understand you, "I was afraid I was dreaming when the Abyssal Northern Princess found me."

"Don't worry!" Kongou slaps you on the shoulder happily, "Little Hoppo-chan is perfectly HARMLESS! Especially after we smashed her rigging to bits!"

"Why do you have a Northern Princess on base, anyways?" you ask with no small amount of curiosity, "Even if it's harmless... why?"

"Why not?" Kongou answered with a smile, "Isn't she ADORABLE?!"

Yeah... you guess she is kind of cute. Although more terrifying than cute.

"Nagato takes care of her," Kongou explains, "I've been trying to get the Admiral to let me keep a Wo-class on base, but he keeps saying no!"

"... A Wo-class?" you think about those terrifying Carriers. Why would she want a Wo?!

"EXACTLY!" Kongou nods, "Their helmets are so CUTE!"

... You don't exactly have the same definition of cute.

"ANYWAYS," she switches topics, "Welcome to the Naval District, Porter!"

"Oh, thank you," you look around, "Which naval base is this?"

"Yokosuka Naval Base," Kongou leads you through the hallways, "Most of us Shipgirls are based out of here!"

"Most of you?" you frown, "How do you cover the entire coast, then?"

"We do regular patrols and have smaller garrisons elsewhere," she answers, countering, "Most of the American Shipgirls are based out of Hawaii, right? Doesn't the same thing apply to you?"

Actually, that's true. Most USN Shipgirls are in Hawaii. How do you cover the entire US coast?
Well, you don't need to. The Abyssals just are around there.
Odd.

"Before you meet the Admiral," Kongou stops in front of a pair of finely finished wooden doors, "Do you have any questions?"

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[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] Does the Admiral speak English?
-[X] Could I, uh, get one of those translation booklets in case I need one?
--[X] How did things go after I blacked out?
---[X] How undignified was my arrival, and how far has the news spread?
----[X] Make sure to find out about survivors from the Tulsa.
Yes, you do have questions for Kongou. You're not about to make a fool of yourself in front of one of Japan's Admirals!

"Does the Admiral speak English?" is your first question, and the most important.

"Yes!" Kongou nods, "The Admiral is fluent in both English and Japanese!"

Ah. You guess that makes sense. The US Armed Forces does work closely with the Japanese Defense forces.

"I saw that Nagato had a translation booklet," you think back to your meeting with the member of the Big Seven, "Can I get one?"

"Why would you need one?" Kongou smiles proudly, "I am the BEST translator! And if I am not around, Tulsa is fluent."

Tulsa is? Huh, you didn't know that.

"What happened after I blacked out?" you ask, "Was I... did everyone see me come in?"

"I carried you!" Kongou states enthusiastically, "You're very light for a Fletcher-class!"

"I see," you hang your head in shame. You were carried in like a sack of grain. Someone sink you now, "I guess I can't show my face in public now."

"What?" Kongou stares at you oddly, "What is wrong with that? You were wounded in the line of duty! I heard from little Mahan that you might receive a medal for it!"

A medal? Little old you, getting a medal? Your heart warms at the thought, but you're not sure that you're proud of getting rewarded for that. Anyone can get shot.

"What about the Tulsa?" you move on, "How many people made it out?"

"Mostly everyone," Kongou looks away sadly, "But the Captain and a few enlisted sailors died before they could make it off."

Ah... the Captain is dead. That... he was a good man.

"Okay," you steel yourself, "I'm ready to meet your Admiral."

"Excellent!" Kongou immediately slams open the door, "TEITOKU, PORTER IS AWAKE!"

You jump a bit at the abrupt entry, then turn to look at the Admiral...
...
What.

This guy is clearly an Admiral. You can tell from the uniform...

But his face is covered in a tight mask that covers everything, even his hair. A giant yellow "T" is emblazoned on it.
What a weirdo.
You look to the nameplate on his desk.
It says "Teitoku."

"Hello, Porter," the Admiral speaks, his voice distorted through his mask, "I am glad to see that you are alright."

Er...

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[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] What. This can't be- Oh. Okay. You understand.
-[X] Turn to Kongou I get it, you don't want your admiral to meet me. I did faint from seeing a new ship summon herself, it's cool. I shouldn't bother them, no need to meet Willy D. I-I'll go bug Iowa or *sniff* head back to the docks *sniff* I think pipes leaking or-or something, bye.
[X] Start walking back to the docks as naturally as you can after finding out even the Japanese think so little of you, trying not to cry your little Fletcher heart out.
What? This... This can't possibly be the Admiral! For one, your Admiral told you that it'd be a she, not a he, and what's with the face mask?!
You turn to voice your skepticism to a smiling Kongou when you realize... it's all a trick.

"...Oh, okay, I understand," you sniffle, tearing up, "You don't want your Admiral to meet me. I did faint from seeing a new ship summon herself... it's cool, I shouldn't bother them, no need to meet Willy D."

Nobody respects you! Trying hard not to cry, you make for the door, "I-I'll go bug Iowa... or head back to the docks. I think pipes are leaking or something... bye..."

Before you touch the doorknob, Kongou places a hand on your shoulder, and you turn to face her, sniffling in despondent sadness.

"It's alright, William D. Porter," Kongou gives you a serious look, "You pass."

......

What.

"Indeed," the Admiral speaks up, standing. They reach into their uniform and you hear something click. They pull out some sort of long wrapping and their bust springs free. The Admiral was a woman! She also pulls off her mask, revealing... yep, it's the Admiral whom your Admiral showed you. It's totally her. She was faking it. Why. Why do this.

"We had to confirm your identity," the Japanese Admiral nods sagely, "Forgive us for the deception. But it was always possible that you were killed and replaced with an Abyssal agent!"

What.

"Only the real Porter would know my true identity," she continued, "So we had to be sure. If you had been an Abyssal agent, then you would have killed me and taken my place!"

....
What.

"You doubt us!" she gasped, "I do not blame you, for most are blind to the truth! Kongou, if you please!"

The Fast Battleship moves to the wall and reveals a massive TV.

"Observe! What the populace thinks is the Minister of Education, Culture, Sports, Science, and Technology!" the Admiral declares as she turns it on... Yeah, it's the previously-mentioned Minister giving a speech. What's so weird about it?

"BUT LOOK!" the Admiral slams one of those cheap 3D red and blue glasses on your face before you can react. You move to take them off, but you pause as you see the figure on the TV has changed.
....
It's a Wo-class wearing a paper mask with the word "Human" scrawled onto it, and a tiny photo of the Minister taped onto it.

It's previously-coherent Japanese has also just changed to different tones of the word, "Wo".

......
What the fuck is this.

You tip the glasses up, there's the Minister.

Drop them back down, Wo-class.

Up, Minister.

Down, Wo.

Minister

Wo

Minister

Wo

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" you screech in disbelief, tossing the glasses away from you.

"It's a CONSPIRACY!" Kongou answers loudly, "Except real!"

"... I think it would be more espionage, actually," you correct her.

"Regardless," the Admiral turns off the screen, "We cannot let them infiltrate the Navy, or else it's all over!"

....
You honestly don't know what to say to this.

[] Write in...

 

[TheBleachDoctor]

[x] But... But there's already one of them in here.
What... What do you even say to this? They're scared of Abyssals replacing people?
But if they are...

"But..." you think back to the little Hoppo, "But there's already one of them in here."

"Yes," the Admiral nods, "The Princess. She has been disarmed, and poses no threat."

Seriously? But what if she's just faking?
You don't understand these people at all.

[X]...
...

[X] Fuck the age limit. Where's the alcohol, I'm to sober for this.
-[X] Hell, I'm like 60+ plus anyway, look up my Wikipedia article. I can get drivers license, vote, and most importantly drink myself stupid.
Nope.
Nope. Nope. Nope.

"Fuck the age limit!" you screech suddenly, laughing hysterically, "I'm too sober for this, where's the alcohol?!"

"Porter!" Kongou admonishes you like a big sister scolding her sibling, "You are far too young to consume such beverages!"

"Like fuck I am!" you giggle dementedly, "I'm over sixty years old, if you count the years I spent as a shipwreck on the ocean floor! Look it up, it's on Wikipedia. I can get my driver's license, vote, and hell, it's my god-given right to drink myself into a drunken stupor if I so want! Now tell me, WHERE'S THE BOOZE?!"

"Porter," the Admiral sighs patiently, "This is a Navy Base. We have no alcohol."

"Bullshit!" you shout in disbelief.

"That is to say," she reaches into her desk, "We don't have alcohol... officially."

Kongou locks the door.
And the Sake comes out.

Your memories last about half an hour after that, at which point they end.

........
When you finally awake, you are lying on the ground under a bed dressed only in your underwear surrounded by about forty empty Ramune bottles.

You turn to face the side, feeling the full force of 273 hangovers.

The Abyssal is lying on the ground, staring at you.

"Go home," she mumbles.

....
Yes, Hoppo. You want to go home.

"Well, well," Iowa kneels down next to the bed, giving you an icy glare, "Look who's finally awake."

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[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] I don't remember anything so whatever it was, I'm sorry.
-[X] Just not for drinking. That, I needed. Badly.
-[X] Have you talked with the Admiral? This place is Crazy. Capital C.
"I don't remember anything," you groan at Iowa, "So whatever it was, I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Iowa replied with an amused smirk, "Don't apologize to me, apologize to yourself. I have amazing blackmail material now."

"Still not sorry," you grimace, "I needed the drink, badly."

Iowa just grins and pats little Hoppo, who huffs.

"Anyways," you try and drag yourself from out under the bed, "Have you talked with the Admiral? This place is Crazy. Capital C."

"You think they're crazy?" Iowa gives you a puzzled look, "Sure, the fact that Nagato has an Abyssal for a pet is a bit weird, but their Admiral is fairly normal."

"What?" you blink at Iowa in surprise, "But... the Wo... the Minister..."

"...What?" Iowa looks at you oddly, "She just talked to me about how glad she was to have us here. Are you still hungover?"

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[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] ... When she talked to you, did the admiral have a mask with a big T on it over her head?
-[X] Because she did for me.
-[X] This place is bullshit of the highest order. Seriously, Big Stick, what the hell?
"...When the Admiral talked to you, did she have a mask with a big T on it over her head?" you ask Iowa a bit incredulously, "Because she did for me."

"I'm sorry," Iowa looks at you with a completely incredulous expression, "What?"

"This place is bullshit of the highest order," you continue, feeling like you might go crazy from what you've seen, "Seriously, Big Stick, what the hell?"

Iowa clears her throat and looks you seriously in the eye, "William D. Porter, I do not care if you saw their Admiral summon Cthulhu, they are our allies in this war, and I will not hear you insult them again, is that clear?"

You wilt in disappointment, "Yes, Iowa."

"Good," she nods, "Now, I'm going to go get Mahan, watch the Abyssal until I get back."

The door closes shut behind Iowa, leaving you in a guest room with little Hoppo staring up at you.

"Go home," she bops you on the knee with her little fist.

[] Write in...

 

[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] I'd love to kid, I'd love to...
-[X] Pet the Hoppo
--[X] THEN Hug the Hoppo
You look down at the Abyssal as she tells you to go home.

"I'd love to, kid," you sigh truthfully, "I'd love to..."

But you can't. This is your assignment, here, and you can't let your Admiral down.

You absentmindedly pet Hoppo, who doesn't seem to acknowledge the gesture.
You take that as the go-ahead to hug her.

Wrapping your arms around her and lifting her up into the air for a hug, she beats on your chest with her tiny fists. Ah, guess she doesn't like that.
You set her down, and she puts some distance between you and her.

You sigh. Looks like the little Abyssal doesn't like you right now.

"Reppu," Hoppo pulls out her little Zero and tosses it in your direction. It kind of glides for a few feet before wobbling and bouncing to the ground, stopping between your feet.
Huh? Was she trying to hit you with it? Well she misse-
Streaks of fire into the air incoming kamikaze doesn't hit impacts water sinks explosion underneath torn hull water rushing in sinking sinking no please don't leave me don't leave me to die don't-!
when you finally gather your wits, you're pinned to the ground by another Shipgirl, and your screams die in your throat. Your Rigging has been summoned, and the dorm is... kind of on fire. Mahan is running around with her Fairies wielding fire extinguishers, frantically trying to put out the fires.

"Goddammit, Porter!" Iowa shouts angrily, apparently the one restraining you, "I can't leave you alone for two whole minutes, can I?!"

[] Write in...

 

[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] Kamikaze... (In the most fearful PTSD voice we can)
-[X] Then ask what happened after we get our bearing.
The droning of a Val's engine still rings in your ears, and for a moment, you're back on the ocean, your guns firing ceaselessly as your crew frantically throws your rudder full to one side in an attempt to dodge the incoming plane.

"Kamikaze..." you whisper, trying to fire your guns. The clicking of empty magazines brings you out of your daze.

You're not in combat. You're not on the ocean. You're in a burning room while Mahan frantically tries to put the beds out.

"Wh-What happened?" you look around in bewilderment. You didn't do this, did you?

"You happened, is what!" Iowa shouts angrily, pinning you harder against the ground, "Give me one good reason why I should have your sorry aft sent to the scrapyards right this instant!!"

What? The scrapyards?! No, nononono, you didn't mean it!

"I-I'm sorry!" you blubber, struggling in a panic, "I didn't know-Hoppo threw a plane at me and and I just I'm so sorry please don't scrap me!"

"What, a harmless prisoner threw her toy at you and you tried to kill her? Trigger discipline, sailor, learn it or you'll spend the rest of this war in the brig!"

"No, no that wasn't it!" you cry out, "It looked like... It looked..."

For a moment, and where it landed, it had reminded you of the Kamikaze plane that sank you. You'll never forget that pain, the agony of slowly flooding. The faint relief of knowing your crew made it out alive, and that terrifying moment as you slipped beneath the waves; knowing that your life as you knew it was over.

"Harden up, Porter," Iowa growls, pressing down onto your back, "We can't have you freaking out every time anything with two wings flits near your rangefinder."

How... How could she say such things? How could she?!

"You don't know what it was like!" the sudden anger blows out of you, "You sank in seconds, Flagship! You didn't have time to realize what was happening, didn't have to hope and see those hopes sink just like your hull!"

"What, you think somehow my sinking was better than yours?" she leans closer, hissing, "Yes, I sank in seconds. But that's because I was blown in two! My goddamn keel snapped! Ripped in half and dragged down to the depths with hundreds of screaming crewmen trapped inside!"

"And you came right back," you glare at her, "You were barely dead for a whole minute, Iowa! It might as well have not happened!"

"How dare-!" Iowa raises her hand as if to strike you, indignation written all over her face, when Mahan grabs her hand.

"Stop it," the Destroyer demands shakily, "Both of you! We all sank! We all suffered! Iowa, I think Porter might be... traumatized. Can you please not yell at her over this?"

"This?" Iowa indicates the fires that still crackle and pop, "How can I not reprimand her over this? We are guests here, Mahan, and it would not do for us to fuck it up because one of us is scared of Kamikazes!"

"I'm scared of them too!" Mahan shouts, pushing her face in close to Iowa, "If you're going to reprimand Porter for being scared of how she died, then reprimand me too!"

Iowa glares back at Mahan, before huffing and standing up off of your back.

"Fix this mess," she shakes her head in disappointment, "And this better not happen again."

With that, she's gone.

You glare after her. How could she say such things, doesn't she know how you sank?

"It's okay, Porter," Mahan puts a comforting hand on your shoulder while the other hands you a fire extinguisher, "Iowa... she just doesn't understand what it's like. A slow death."

Yeah, you think as you begin putting out some of the fires you apparently started. She doesn't.

---

"So, Porter," Mahan says as the two of you head out into the base, having squared away the room, "We have the day to ourselves. What do you want to do?"

Well, you could...

[] You think you hear singing... is that a stage?

[] You should probably go see Tulsa. How's she adjusting to her new life?

[] Go find Kongou again.

[] Find Iowa and wring an apology out of her.

[] Face your fears. Find one of the Japanese Carriers and ask her to make Vals do runs on you until you're no longer scared. Trauma therapy works like that, right? Mahan, why are you shaking your head, it's a good idea!

[] Vals are evil and must be wiped from the face of the earth. Find and systematically destroy every Val Dive Bomber on base.

[] Eat lunch.

[] Find someway to contact your Admiral, you should report what's happened.

 

[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] Find someway to contact your Admiral, you should report what's happened.
"I should report to the Admiral," you tell Mahan, who nods.

"There's a computer lab in one of the other buildings," Mahan gestures to another, more modern construction nearby, "Let's use that. There's a secure room."

Yes, this appears to be a building primarily for computer use. There are rooms filled with supercomputers and servers. Eventually, Mahan leads you to a private booth and shows you how to start it. Apparently she called in earlier.

Sitting in front of the screen, you adjust your uniform. The screen flickers on, and there's your Admira-wh-why is she fiddling with a model ship?! She's... she's sticking tweezers into a one of the aft gunports on that New York-class Battleship! No shame, she has no shame!

"Ah, Porter," she smiles at you amicably, "I'm glad to see that you've recovered. Mahan told me you were badly hurt."

"Yes, Admiral, I'm fine now," you look away from her defiling hands, "I just thought that I should report something to you."

"Oh, there was no need, Iowa and Mahan filled me in," she nods, brushing a little decal onto the deck of the model so carefully.

You blush, "No, Admiral, it's not that, there's something... weird about this base."

"Weird?" she gives you a questioning look, setting down her tools, "How so?"

"Well," you begin, "their Admiral showed me a-"

Then the connection is cut.

"..." you stare at the error message, "Admiral?"

Calling Mahan back in in a panic, the two of you try and restore the connection, but to no avail. The internet is down!

"Noo~" you moan in despair. The Admiral could have helped you make sense of this, but now...

Then you hear the sound of lots of little plastic bits dragging on the floor. You and Mahan turn around and look out the door.

There walks little Hoppo, dragging behind her a bunch of ruined and torn ethernet cords. She momentarily turns to look at you, chirping, "Go home!" before continuing to walk.

{Options}​

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[TheBleachDoctor]

[X] *eyelid twitch*
[X] You just made that much harder kid.
-[X] Let's just go talk to Tulsa, why not? She might have a way of communicating with the admiral, fancy modern ship that she is.
Hoppo ripped out the internet cords.
She destroyed the internet connection.

Your eyelid twitches as she repeats her catchphrase, as if mocking you.

"You..." you begin, a half-scowl forming on your face, "You just made that much harder, kid..."

Okay, so the communications room is out, how else can you contact your home base?
You think on it for a second before it hits you. Tulsa! She's a fancy modern ship, don't they all have satellite uplinks nowadays? Surely she can get you a direct line to the Admiral, and there's no way Hoppo can sabotage her!
...
Now you have a mental image of Hoppo tearing off Tulsa's rigging as she screams in agony. Gah.

"Let's find Tulsa," you whisper to Mahan, making sure Hoppo left first, "She can help us."

"Tulsa?" Mahan stares, not understanding, until it hits her, "Oh right! Yeah, let's go find her."

Mahan, being more familiar with the base, manages to lead you to where Tulsa was last seen, the two of you hoping that she hasn't moved.

And, thankfully, she hasn't.

She's sitting down in the mess hall, chowing down on a small pile of curry. She's also surrounded by a mixture of Shipgirls, JMSDF personnel, and her former crew all on laptops, tablets, smartphones, and handheld gaming devices.

Getting closer, you see that they're all doing various activities online.

"Excuse me," you lean over an American sailor's shoulder to stare at the cat video he's watching on Youtube, "What is everyone doing?"

"Oh, hello Porter," the sailor smiles as you as she shows you her phone, "We're just leeching off of Tulsa's Wifi. The base's sucks."

You turn to stare at Tulsa, who's happily eating. Her Wifi?... She has that?

Then, suddenly, she stops eating and slams her hands down on the table angrily, rattling everyone's trays and startling them into silence.

"DAMN IT JENKINS!" she screams, glaring at a sailor a few feet down the table, "STOP SEARCHING FOR YOUR FETISH PORN!!!!"

"..." Jenkins, apparently, shrinks back with wide, embarrassed eyes, "Sorry, ma'am."

Welp, you've found Tulsa.

{Options}​

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