You thought that you had already cried yourself out today. You really did. But your mom's sobbing and the cocktail of emotions that range from anger that she doesn't seem to get it, sympathy for her tears, and frustration that you even feel that sympathy overwhelm you and you break down, starting to cry again. Tears trace fresh courses on your cheeks and you desperately start to scrub at your face for a moment before you just give up and let them go, hiccoughing quietly between sobs. You don't know how else to express what you feel right now.
Your poor dad looks between you and mom, his own eyes looking more than a little damp. He has two crying people whom he loves dearly here and he opens up one arm for you. You hesitate, then cross the small distance to plop against his side opposite of mom, still crying. He gives you both a squeeze and that gives the energy you need to speak up.
"Mom. I--I just..." Words are so fucking hard. Why can't you words good?
"I didn't even know this until. Like. Recently but I know--I know that marrying a man or whatever isn't going to. Make me happy or anything. And--I know you're scared. I'm scared too!" You actually laugh a little because oh my God you're more like your mom than you like to admit.
"B-But it's who I am and I can't change it. I don't want to change it. I love you both so much but I've been so scared and--and--I just wanted to feel like my home was my home..." You finish, trailing off. You're not sure how else to describe the sick pit-of-your-stomach panicked fear that's kept you so anxious at home.
"And. It felt like you wouldn't. Love me anymore if you knew, Mom...." You mumble in addition and your mom makes a faint little noise that sounds sick and sad and horrified all at once. You feel another arm wrap around you and you're tugged practically into your dad's lap as your mom joins the hug, still sobbing. You can feel her tears dampening the shoulder of your jacket.
"Hanako-- Hanako, I would never stop loving you, oh my God," she sounds horrified and sick all at once. "Oh, kitten, no..." Her hand is in your hair you feel a deep sense of relief flood into you, as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. She doesn't hate you. Her fingers card through your hair and brush behind your ears.
"I just. I was scared that you were--were being pressured into something that you didn't want to do and you usually tell us everything that's going on and you were so secretive, and--I was scared," she's practically blubbering through her tears and it seems weirdly familiar to you. Is this what you look like from the outside when you're having a breakdown? It's a weird thought. You don't know what to say, exactly. It's all so much to take in. Your dad is patting her on the back now.
"N-none of my friends have ever pressured me," you mumble. "All of them wanted me to feel happy with myself and who I am..."
"She's almost a grown up, Fumiko," your dad says. "I think she knows a lot more about who she is right now than we do, as much as we may think otherwise. She's her own person now, you know." Your mom's tears are slowing down a little and so are yours and you feel a little light-headed. Probably dehydrated, you've cried so much this morning.
"Mom... Please don't take my phone or anything, okay?" You mumble, finding yourself buried between mom and dad. "I--there are a lot of people who need me to support them. Or I need to support me..." You sniffle again, wondering if maybe you're worried about the wrong thing right now.
"Don't worry about that right now," your dad says, his hand joining mom's to stroke through your hair. "It's okay. It's okay..." Your mother nods against your shoulder.
"It's okay, Hanako," she murmurs and then lets out a deep shuddering sigh. Her hug tightens, then releases and you're left with your head spinning. You. Came out to your mom? And she doesn't hate you? It's... Um... Wow?
"I just don't know how--what---" Your mom is talking again, trying to verbalize something that you're not sure of.
"A-Are you sure this is what you want? It--Life is going to be harder for you because of this..." She's still trying to wrap her head around it, even if she's calmer but it's still better than you really expected. You sniffle quietly again and you try to nod.
"...It's not. About what I want, mom. I just--it's how I am. Trying to change it or ignore it is just gonna make me really miserable," you mumble quietly. "It--I don't know how to explain it otherwise..."
Your mom is quiet again for a long, long moment.
"I don't know if I understand," she says, her voice stretched and scratchy from her crying. "But I--I'll try..."
You suppose that's the best you can hope for, at least for now. Even if mom doesn't really get it, she seems... not so much an ogre as she did before. You can see her fear for you and her desire for you to be happy. She just doesn't seem to get that your idea of happy might not line up with hers. That's a gap you'll have to bridge eventually but for now? For now you can just live with this. Slowly, you try to extract yourself from the hugs, your eyes read and bleary and oh my God you are so tired of crying today.
"...I'm gonna go upstairs," you say quietly. "I think I might take a nap. I feel really tired." Your dad ruffles your hair and your mom gives a muted little nod, looking tired and subdued.
"Go on, kitten," Dad says. "I'll talk with mom. Get some rest." Gratefully, you escape up the stairs, leaving mom and dad to talk in low voices. Despite the sleep you got the night before, you throw yourself into bed and almost instantly pass out. You've never felt so drained in your entire life. When you wake up, you think it's sometime in the later afternoon, judging by the sunlight filtering into your room and you still feel completely exhausted mentally and physically, despite the fact that you've probably slept something like six or seven hours. You stumble out of bed and into the shower to soak yourself for a while, then dressed in clean PJs you head downstairs. You don't see mom or dad downstairs and a quick listen confirms that they seem to be out. That's doubly confirmed by a note on the kitchen counter.
Hey kitten--
We went to talk down to the shop and get some stuff for dinner, and your mom could use some time outside right now. We should be back soon! And we both love you so much.
--Mom and Dad
The note feels like a small victory of some kind. But it also makes you feel... a little weird. Mom at least doesn't seem to be flipping out a lot but now you feel kind of numb. And still tired. You hang out in the living room watching the TV for a while and then mom and dad get back with groceries and start working on dinner. Everything seems mostly normal and dinner even goes okay. Mom asks a few more questions about you 'being sure' and stuff but mostly seems to let the issue drop for now, once dad gives her a verbal nudge. It's kind of a relief. After that, you tumble back into bed and don't wake up again until the next morning to get ready for school.
As you brush your hair, staring into the bathroom mirror, you still feel kind of worn out. You thought you'd feel victorious--and you do, sort of. There's a whole weight off your shoulders but it's not as wonderful as you'd hoped, perhaps. The question you're not sure how to answer now is 'what do I do?' This had been kind of your big moment and now things just feel... mostly the same.
Maybe you should change something. Or do something different. Your birthday is coming up in October and you'll be 18. Technically an adult, though you don't get complete parental independence until you hit twenty. It feels like a landmark but you don't really know if that's true. The longer you stare at the Hanako in the mirror, the more you feel like she's not really Hanako. She's the Hanako that you used to be. You want to see the Hanako that you are, not the Hanako you were. You don't really know how to change that yet but you want to try.
[ ] Change your hair: You've always had longer hair, dark and sleek and beautiful and honestly kind of a pain in the ass to deal with since you have to shampoo and condition it regularly and then spend so much time brushing and combing and just... Ugh. Maybe you should just get a haircut and get something really short. See if that makes you feel more like you.
[ ] Change your wardrobe: Your clothes have always been girly and feminine and that's always seemed pretty fine to you but now you're starting to feel like it might not actually be for you. More expensive than a haircut but clothes are an important way of expressing yourself. Maybe you should try something new? What should that be if you do?
[ ] Change something else: Write in, subject to QM veto
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