You look between the two older women for a moment. Your eyes feel heated, prickling as tears start to force themselves out to roll down your cheeks again. You already feel exhausted and tired and you just.... You just want to someone to know what's going on now. It doesn't matter, anyway. So what if she tells mom? Or the school? You just want to stop hiding. Stop running. Trying to be two different people over the last few months has drained you to the point of mental and emotional exhaustion. You slump over and start to cry again, trying to speak through your tears.
"Uh--um. This is-- It's a long story," you say and Anaya stands then moves around the table to sit next to you, giving your shoulder a warm squeeze.
"It's okay. Take a deep breath, dear."
"I--I kind of figured out I was. Um." You hesitate for a moment, afraid that saying the word might change the atmosphere in the room from one of sympathy to disgust.
"I figured out I was gay at the beginning of the school year," you say in a mumbled rush, your bleary-eyed gaze focused on the table and your tea. Of course, that means you miss the significant look that passes between Amaya and Ishikawa-sensei. You take a shuddering breath and then try to force the rest of the story out as you feel Amaya's grip grow just a little tighter.
"A-And I started dating this girl in my club and going to these meetings with a support group and I really like it and I've been really happy about it and I came out to my dad and went on a camping trip with my youth group," You take a breath. "I'm not out to my mom--I mean I haven't told her, sorry--"
"We know what it means, Hana-chan." Ishikawa-sensei's voice sounds warm and sympathetic in a way you've never heard before and you look up as she takes a seat next to you on the opposite side of Amaya. Your teacher wraps an arm around you too and you find yourself squished a little bit between the two of them. You start to cry even harder.
"A-And I think mom is worried or suspects it because she keeps trying to get me to meet boys and I skipped this party she wanted me to go to at her company so I could go to the amusement park with all my gay friends and--and-- she got really mad and said she was going to take away my phone and I--I just ran--" You break off, unable to manage any other words as you sob into your hands. It hurts. All of it hurts so much and you're so scared of what your mom is going to do when she finds out the truth and maybe you can run away and live under a bridge or something like some sort of wandering ghost. As you sob you're suddenly enclosed in a warm embrace from each side as your teacher and Amaya hug you tight.
"Hana-chan. You're going to be okay," Ishikawa-sensei's voice continues and you feel a hand stroke over your hair.
"I know it feels like so much to carry right now, and it is. You should be worrying about your exams, not whether your family is going to accept you for who you are. It's going to get better, though... I promise." You look up at her through your tears and Amaya speaks up.
"I was in a situation like yours when I was in high school. But it's going to turn out for the better. Look. I have a beautiful, amazing partner--" She smiles over your head at Ishikawa-sensei, whose cheeks turn pink and your mind clicks into place at last exactly why your teacher shares a house with "single" mom.
"Oh," you murmur and Ishikawa-sensei laughs.
"I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but it's going to get better," Ishikawa-sensei picks up again. "But no matter what you have people who support you and care about you. I care about all my students. And if I can help you, I will. My hands are tied in some things but... I'll be here for you, if you'll accept that." You scrub at your face, trying to decide if you're laughing or crying. You feel... almost rejuvenated. You have people who support you still, don't you? Not just Amaya and Ishikawa-sensei, but Erika and Jesse and Mari and Akane. And Sayaka and Dad and everyone at Live Out Loud. All of them care about you and want you to be happy! You're... you're gonna be okay. Maybe even better than okay! You still feel wretched and tired and drawn out like you've been pulled in two by giant clamps but. You might just be okay.
"Okay," you mumble and bury yourself deeper between the two with a soft sob. "Thank you. Thank you." It's all you can think to say right now. You feel exhausted. Even more so than this morning. Finally, they both ease up on you and you sip at your tea, sheepishly looking at Ishikawa-sensei.
"Um. I won't... I won't tell anyone," you murmur. Your teacher gives a little shrug.
"I don't... keep it secret. But I don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know, either. So I appreciate that. And your secret is safe with me, too. Unless you want me to tell anyone." You take a breath and lean back in your chair. You need to... do something. Maybe once your clothes are clean.
"So. You probably should go back to your house, because your parents are going to worry. Even if your mom is being awful," Amaya says. "We can't really keep you here right now--you're underage." You wince at that, but you nod. They're right. You have to go back and confront this. But what are you going to do? How are you going to do this?
[ ] Tell mom the truth: The whole double life thing is too exhausting to keep up. You've only been doing it half a year and you're pretty sure you'll go crazy if you try and keep it up through next summer. No, you need to face this head on and tell her everything and she needs to try and understand that. SHe's your mom! She has to understand. Or at the least, she has to listen. Maybe you won't tell her that you have a girlfriend, but hiding in the closet isn't going to help you any more. At the very least for your own mental health! Plus once you're out, Dad might be able to help you more, since he's been so good about keeping your secret.
[ ] Maybe not the whole truth: Coming out right now maybe isn't a good idea. At the least see if you can confront her about how controlling you feel she's being lately. Or maybe she's always been like that and you just never noticed. You're not sure. The point is, you're in your last year of high school--if now isn't the time for you to assert some independence then when is it the time? Does she expect you to live at home during university, too?
[ ] Anything but the truth: Playing the good kid won't hurt you. Maybe all this thinking about just doing stuff is wrong. It's scary. And the closet is safe.
[ ] She can't handle the truth! You know what, maybe she can't handle it but fuck her. You're going to tell her exactly what's going on with you and that you're gay and that she's just going to have to suck that up and deal. Because it's not going to change--you haven't felt so sure of yourself and who you are before in your life and she can't change that! So you're gay? Big deal. If she doesn't like it, fuck her. She just has to accept it and move on.
