Your eyes focus on the scissors for a long, long moment. Then you decide that it's probably not worth the trouble using them on anything would bring. Either way, your mom would flip out even more and it's not like you'd win anything. Ugh. Ugh. So you settle for flopping back onto your bed and jamming your headphones on so you can listen to music as loud as you can stand. It shuts out the world for a while and you feel like you don't have to think about anything else. It's nice, at least for a little while.
Your phone is pinging. Mari started a message group for the weekend trip and people are sending back and forth ideas for what to do first. Satou mostly speaks in emojis and memes, which is kind of hilarious considering how weirdly taciturn he comes off in person most of the time. You don't say anything, but it's nice to watch your friends having a good time talking to each other. It reminds you that there's good people in the world and that you don't have to feel so... gross. It also inspires you. Maybe you won't chop off all your hair or cut your nice dresses into ribbons but you're not going to this stupid party. Gears turn in your brain and you start to formulate a plan for getting out of the house without being noticed on Saturday. You can hide out at Mari's house or something. You pick up your phone and shoot off a quick text to Mari, asking if it's okay for you to come over on Saturday before the whole planned expedition and then another to Erika, letting her know you'll definitely see her on Saturday.
Sitting on your bed with your tail twitching, you finally start to feel like you're grabbing back a little bit of control. Then your bed room door creaks open.
The motion from the corner of your eye practically makes you jump out of your skin and you reach up to shove your headphones off your head, cheeks flushed. What the heck?! Mom and dad are standing there, both a little sheepish.
"Sorry, kitten," your dad says. "You weren't answering when we knocked so we were a little worried." You can hear the music blaring from your headphones even halfway across the bed so you're not surprised you didn't hear them. You didn't want to hear them. Your mom smiles.
"We just wanted to check on you. I know that... this age can be hard for young women. So I understand, I want you to know that." You give a quiet little nod in response. You don't trust yourself to speak otherwise. How can she understand? Then you croak out:
"I'm kinda tired. I think I'm going to bed early. Thanks for checking on me."
"Alright dear. I think some rest will be good for you. I love you." Your mom takes a breath and pauses in the doorway before turning to vanish into the hallway. Your dad lingers a moment.
"Sleep tight, kitten." And then he's gone, too. Door closed, you barely manage to get out of your school clothes and clamber into bed. You feel drained and exhausted, even if the idea of defying your mom is making you all kinds of nervous. Sleep on it. You'll feel better. At least that's what you tell yourself most nights, right?
When you wake up, you don't exactly feel better. But you feel determined. So you buckle down and focus on getting through the rest of the week with a minimal amount of drama. The bright spots are all at school where you can focus on something concrete like your schoolwork and you can spend lunch with your group of friends. It's really nice honestly. Satou brings a sort of calm, laid back energy to the group that counteracts Mari's bubbly excitement and seems to mesh well with Akane. Both of them have similar senses of humor and he has a way of coming out of nowhere with dry witticisms that blow people off their feet and make everyone laugh.
The fact that there's practically a small gay support group at your school all centered around you kind of blows your mind if you think about it. It keeps you sane.
By Saturday morning, you're ready. You've planned it out--your mom is leaving the house to go and finish up something at the office and plans to be back in the afternoon to get ready. You plan to be gone by then. You pack a bag in case you need to spend the night out of the house and choose a dress from the closet--it's cute and subdued in black, the kind of refined thing your mom would have wanted you to wear tonight. So you'll wear it out with your friends instead. You pair it with a light sweater, tights, and comfortable shoes and then you vanish out the door by mid-morning, not bothering to say goodbye to your dad. You feel a little guilty, but you don't want him trying to stop you.
When you get to Mari's place, she greets you with a huge, warm hug like she always does and hauls you up to her room.
"Is that what you're wearing today? Oh my God, Erika is going to die you look so good, honestly." You sit at her table and sight quietly as you share a cup of tea with her.
"...I hope so, honestly," you laugh. "I look good!"
"Uh, yeah. You look great. Just let me do your hair. And your makeup."
"If you want to?" You don't usually do much with make up or with hair and Mari's offer is welcome since you're happy to throw on some foundation and eye-liner and call it a day. And your hair, though it's long and lustrous, is usually just tied back in a pony-tail. Jesse as jokingly called it "lazy femme."
It turns out that doing your hair involves a rather complicated braid which leaves your bangs and a few curls free to frame your face and your make-up includes a subdued green eyeshadow, dark eye-liner, a muted natural pink lipstick and... hey, you think you look pretty good, honestly, when it's all done. Better than you usually do with the bags under your eyes and frazzled hair trying to escape from the bun you've pulled it back into.
True to Mari's prediction, when Erika arrives at Mari's place her face turns bright pink when she sees you and she coughs and splutters a little and finally says that she didn't know you were going to be so fancy tonight. You have to laugh and wrap an arm around her in a comforting hug to reassure her that you got fancy because you wanted to, not because you expected her to do the same thing! The three of you spend the later half of the afternoon waiting together. About three o'clock your phone starts blowing up. Calls from your mom AND your dad. Text messages.
Your only response is to text dad back to tell him that you're okay and not to worry. Then you put the phone on silent. Ryou arrives shortly after that, looking stylishly rumpled. The sleepy-eyed foxboy gives a wave to the three of you and plops down on the bed next to Mari for a moment before all of you troop out of the house with the usual clattering energy of teenagers to head for the amusement park.
Jesse and Ryou meet you there and the reunited group spends a moment chattering.
"I'm glad you could make it," Jesse tells you. "I was worried that the thing your mom wanted was gonna get in the way."
"Same," Erika nods in agreement, one arm linked through yours.
"Well, I managed to get out of it," you reply with more easy confidence than you actually feel. There's probably going to be hell to pay at this point but you find that you don't really care. You just want to enjoy the tail end of summer. In the early evening light, the six of you stroll through the park, arguing about which rides to try, giggling at how cute each couple is in turn (Mari sneaking a kiss for Ryou's cheek, the way Erika clings tight to your hand, Jesse's head resting on Satou's shoulder when you're all sharing a bench to eat some ice cream) and just... it feels good. It feels really good. This is how the last summer of your high school career should end, you decide. And if it makes your mom angry so much the better. Mari is her usual ball of energy, hauling everyone this way and that across the park to check out a ride or a concession stand.
Unfortunately, your perfectly coiffed hair doesn't survive the first roller coaster and breathless and laughing you let Erika but it back up into a bun, her fingers carding against your scalp as you go. It's a nice excuse to be close to her, at least! And hey, you haven't checked your phone all night, so that's a plus. As the evening winds onwards you feel free. Not relaxed, but at the least you feel like you've managed to do something that's truly yours. Screw your mom. She can keep her stupid parties and her boys and her... whatever. At some point, Mari announces that it's time for the fireworks and oh my GOD we have to hurry.
So with Mari nipping at your heels your (very tired) group of gays manages to crowd into a good vantage point just as the fireworks display begins, much to the admiration of the crowd of patrons. As fireworks pop overhead, you feel Erika's hand slip into yours again and squeeze hard. Tugging back, you pull her in against you for a warm hug and close your eyes. Let this moment last as long as you can make it last, because it's not ever going to be here again.
"...I'm glad you came," Erika murmurs, her head resting against your collarbone.
"Me too," you reply against her hair. "Me too."
It's a nice end to a frankly kind of exhausting evening. You drag yourselves back to the train station and everyone goes their separate ways. You, Erika, and Mari ride back together though, Erika's head resting on your shoulder as she dozes her way through the whole trip. Mari makes soft cooing noises and snaps a couple pictures before you wave her off with a roll of your eyes.
"Let her sleep."
"But she's so cute!"
"Let me sleep."
"But you're so cute, Hana-chan~!"
"...Okay you got me there."
The three of you drag yourselves back into Mari's house and you decide that you're going to spend the night here, dammit. Mari drags out a futon and you and Erika basically collapse onto it and fall instantly asleep without thinking about it. It's been a long day.
When you wake up, your nose is full of Erika's scent and her fingers are curled into your hair. She's still sound asleep and you can hear Mari's even breathing from the bed, so you stay where you are, delicately brushing some hairs from Erika's face. She's really cute, honestly... Even if you guys have your problems you're glad to have her. It makes you feel nice. Wanted. Needed, even. You stay still and quiet like that for you don't know how long, simply enjoying the presence of the others in the room and watching sunlight filter into the room through the window. You can almost forget that there's no doubt a storm waiting at home. Finally Mari clambers out of bed and rouses Erika with a whoop before bouncing out into the kitchen to make breakfast. It's a quiet, sleepy meal and after it's done you wish them both well but... you should get home. Concern crosses Erika's face from the way you say that but she doesn't say anything, just nods. Mari glances between the two of you, then nods as well.
"Take care of yourself, Hana-chan. Let us know if, um. You need anything."
"Yeah, I will."
"It was nice," Mari adds, "You seemed actually really happy last night."
"...Do I not usually seem happy?"
"I mean, you do but usually it feels like you're holding yourself back or something else is on your mind. Last night... I haven't seen you like that in a while." You blink. Was that true.
"Ah... If you say so, Mari," you murmur and shrug. Then you grab your things and head out the door. The train ride home isn't really dreadful. It's tense, though, and the closer you get to your stop the more you worry and the more anxiety crowds in on you. Maybe this hadn't been a good idea. Maybe this had been a terrible idea. Was one night worth it? Really? Truly? It's all swirling around you like storm clouds as you finally open the door to the house and slip inside.
"I'm home." You hope no one hears it but you're not so lucky. Your mother appears from the living room almost instantly, her brow creased. She stands there silently, hands on her hips, and watches as you kick your shoes off. You realize that you're still wearing your dress from the night before. As you step up into the house, she finally speaks.
"Hanako." Her voice can't be called calm, but it's quiet. Not quite the storm you were expecting but you can hear the strain and anger and worry there. You wonder how long that will hold.
"Where were you last night?"
"I went out with my friends."
"Without telling anyone? Your father and I were worried sick!" You can hear your dad coming down the stairs and part of you wants to push past mom to seek refuge with him but she's filling up the front hallway, keeping you from simply escaping to your room and you grit your teeth.
"Well, you were going to make me go to that other party so I decided to just do what I wanted to do because you wouldn't listen," you hiss. Your tail is fluffing up and you hate that you show your emotion so obviously.
"Hanako, you can't just skip doing something because you don't like it. You're going to have to do a lot of things you don't like in your life and you'd made a commitment to go. Breaking that commitment is serious. Your father and I had to make excuses for you, you know!" You don't want to be here. You don't want to talk about this. Just let it go, Mom. Your father is in the hallway now, his face creased with worry.
"Kitten, you had us worried. You can't just go running off like that..." You flinch. It feels like a betrayal. You'd expected him to understand or maybe at least see how you felt but he's just focused on how upset they are and not on why you did what you did or why you were upset in the first place.
"It was disappointing, Hanako." You almost wish mom would yell. If she was yelling then it would be easier to just let it roll off your back but this lecturing, this superiority is grating on you.
"You've always been such a good girl, Hanako I just don't understand why you've started acting this way." You tremble, your gaze focused on the floor, counting the wood grain but you can't--you won't deal with this anymore.
"Maybe I just have my own brain and stuff that I want that doesn't line up with what you want, MOM!" You end in a sharp yowl, letting out a bit of that pent up anger and humiliation that you've been trying to shove down into your gut.
"Hanako! This is not you were raised to behave, not at all." Your mom sounds shocked. Good.
"So when I use my brain for school it's okay but when I start thinking about what I actually want to get out of life, it's wrong? What the hell, mom?! Am I just supposed to do what you tell me to the rest of my life? Just because it's what you want? You don't even ASK me what I want you just assume that what you want for me is best--" You're getting angrier and angrier, more resentment pouring out of you. Your dad is trying to get a word in edgewise but the two of you are locked on to each other now and his efforts to defuse things seem to be going... Poorly.
Your mother's voice takes on a colder aspect, almost angry.
"Hanako. That's enough. You're grounded. You're going exactly two places from now on: school and home. That's it. No more late club meetings, no more club. You're going to come straight home from school and you're going to do your homework and think about why you're acting this way." Your face blanches. You'd expected anger but not this level of confinement.
"No--You can't--!" You start to protest and you feel angry tears coming again. Your dad is talking, saying something that you can't really make out through the haze of tears and anger.
"Fumi-chan, that's a bit much don't you think, she's a teenager, this kind of things happens--"
"Maybe with you but I never did anything like this--" You tremble again and you want to yell but then your mom is talking to you again.
"Phone. Now. You don't get to have a phone anymore if this is what you're going to do. Maybe if you learn to behave responsibly you can get it back." Even more than her last ultimatum this one makes your heart freefall into your gut. Your phone has everything on it. All your conversations with Erika and Jesse and Mari and Akane. More than just you, your phone has all your friends secrets, their identities, who they're dating... Your phone is locked but what if she manages to get it unlocked? Or forces you to unlock it? Your mouth feels dry.
[ ] NO! You're not giving up your phone. It would sell out your friends and maybe out you and you need it. It's your lifeline and you're not letting going of it, not when you're already drowning. Refuse to give it up. Defy her. That's the only thing you can do.
[ ] Fuck you and fuck this phone Sure, she can have it--after you smash it. Do what it takes to damage the phone beyond repair before you hand it over. You have to protect not just yourself but your friends and this is the only way to do it. Even if it makes things worse for you, personally.
[ ] Run You have to get away. Get away now. Bolt out the door and don't stop running. You have to get away. Get away, NOW!
[ ] Surrender Why did you think you could do this? She's just winning again. She always wins. You're stupid for even pulling this stunt in the first place. Maybe if you shut up and be the good kid again for a couple weeks you'll get it back. Plus she'll probably just throw it in a drawer and leave it there until she gives it back, right?
