Forgive me,
@Artificial Girl, for I have written a crackfic
(Also it was written on my phone during a long bus trip, so sorry for the subpar prose)
Erika sighed glumly, checking her phone for the (forty) second time tonight. She could have been more supportive of Hanako, she knew that, but her frequently frustrating girlfriend hadn't responded since. Was she just overreacting, though, or had Erika screwed up more than she realized?
Sudden noise startled her and she dropped the phone, then immediately picked it back up. One text from 'Hanyako-chan-honey-sweetie.'
Tapping the screen, Erika's stomach dropped into the lower mantle as she read and reread the hasty message. "Pleas help me ther's a f"
There's a f... What? Erika mentally ran down the list of F-words she knew, and then recalibrated and ran down the list of words starting with f. There were too many possibile meanings as it was, and that was leaving out the possibility she'd accidentally hit the wrong letter.
She sent a text back, "Hanako where are you what are you doing what does f mean Hanako this better be some dumb joke but if it is I will murder you I swear this on my mother's sword" but after several tense moments of waiting, it bounced.
So she tried again, with the same result. And again and again, until finally it became clear nothing would get through.
Who else could help with this?
First, she tried Mari, her girlfriend's bestie. "Ohay, what's up?" The other girl responded cheerfully, and Erika explained the situation. "Let me try."
Not long after, she got a text back. "Nothing. I'm coming over."
"Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea..." Erika responded, but it was too late. Within fifteen minutes, someone was knocking on the front door. It occurred to her that she'd never even given Mari her address...
"Is this your... Girlfriend?" Erika's mom asked with clear distaste, standing out in the hall as Mari barged on in.
Erika knew that denying it would be counterproductive, so she just sighed. "Something like that, sure."
---
As her door closed on her daughter and the stranger, the older woman sighed. She didn't like the vibe of that girl; she seemed overly determined about something. "Why couldn't you have fallen in love with some cute catgirl instead?" She muttered vaguely in the direction of her daughter, before wandering off to break the news to her husband; no crossbreed grandchildren were in their future, tragically.
---
Mari and Erika resumed Project Rescue Hanyako-chan in short order, bombarding the absent kemonomimi with texts, calls, emails, and even resorting to tossing paper airplanes out the window in a particular fit of desperation. But it was all for naught; calls went unanswered, texts bounced, emails went without reply, and the airplanes landed in the neighbor's yard before being eaten by their dog.
Despite her worry, Mari remained focused. "Who else can we ask... Akane?" She whipped out her phone and began texting.
"nO." Erika ground out, but it was too late; within another fifteen minutes, another set of knocks came.
"I'm not sure I approve of you having a threes-" Mom began, but Erika yanked Akane inside her room and slammed the door before she could finish.
---
"They grow up so fast...
Too fast..."
---
Akane, as it turned out, had no clue either, though she at least came up with the suggestion of flipping the text upside down to see if there was some sort of secret message. There wasn't.
So in the end, three girls were left stumped, sitting on the bed, while two silently judged the third's taste in interior decoration. "Maybe we could ask Sayaka."
So it was they called the woman. "Hanako? She said she'd be going to her grandparents' place before the camp. She's probably there right now. Why?"
"Huh, she never mentioned that to me," Mari mused. "You'd think she would have told her best friend."
"Well maybe it's because she was too busy telling her
Girlfriend," Erika shot back.
"Wait, she told you about that? And you didn't think to say anything until now?" Akane asked, eyebrow raised. "It's a good thing nobody thought to go visit her house; it would have cleared up a plot-hole in this Omake, but been a huge waste of time."
Choosing to ignore the latter statement, and the cracks that had suddenly appeared in the room's fourth wall, Erika grinned nervously. "She may have mentioned that she was going somewhere, yeah... In between rubbing it in how her Dad accepts her and stuff."
"Okay, what the ACTUAL F(beep)?" Mari fumed, "The grandparents thing is one thing, but this? Once we rescue Hanako, I'm going to have some stern words for her! And sentences."
Erika turned to Akane. "How about you? You angry that she chose me over you, too?"
Akane shrugged. "I like her, but I'm not even as close as Mari is, so I've got no room to complain. Besides," she put a hand to her chin, pondering. "I feel like she may not have had a choice in the matter, like some cruel being gave her the ability to choose only two of multiple options... With Sayaka being important for practical reasons, and you being her girlfriend, I think the voters made the best decision under the circumstances."
The cracks in the wall were getting bigger, and Erika eyed them nervously. "Right. Well, any ideas now?"
"We could call her grandparents!" Mari suggested. And so they did.
"Who is this?" A kindly voice answered. "It's the middle of the night, you know."
"Is Hanako okay?" Erika blurted out.
"Hanako? Yeah, she just got back from an evening hike. Are you a friend of hers? I can put you on."
"Yes and please do!"
Over the speaker, they listened as the grandmother hummed, and then something crashed and tinkled in the distance. "Hanako, are you okay in there?"
"Y-yep! Juuust fine!" At hearing her voice, all three assembled sighed in relief. "I am one-hundred percent okay, and I am
not breaking any ancient vases!"
"Uh... Okay," Grandma replied. "I've got your friend on the phone here, do you want to talk to her?"
"Now might not... Actually, it's a good time! A
very good time! Please pass it through the door, just squeeze it through... Thank you!"
"Hanako?" Erika asked, "What happened? I got your text, it
scared me half to death!"
"Ahahaha..." Hanako's laugh sounded strangely forced. "Sorry about that. I was going for a walk in the forest and thought I saw a f-f-fooox, and I started texting but then my phone got slic- ER, dropped. Yes, dropped. In the lake! Which is a shame because money and stuff. So it's all fine now and no more phones need to be destroyed,
is that clear?"
"Sure. I'm just glad you're okay."
Hanako sighed. "Before you hang up or anything, I just wanted to let you know something."
"Yes?"
"I love you, Erika. So much. I love you forever, and I
am not single or available to anybody else right now because of how much I love you. Also I may need your help with a special Occult Club activity once I get back from camp, possibly sooner."
She abruptly hung up, leaving Erika confused but blushing, while Mari and Akane were looking away and whistling innocently, trying to pretend they hadn't heard the personal exchange.
"Well, now that that's settled, I suppose I should get out of your hair," Mari said, avoiding meeting Erika's gaze. "Bye!" With a parting wave, she was gone.
"Same here," Akane said. As she stood up, she stopped to lay a hand against the fourth wall. "You might want to get these cracks fixed, by the way. This thing looks ready to crumble any moment now."
"I
noticed," Erika said shortly. "Please leave before I hurt you."
"Going!" Akane made to flee as well, but before she could, a sudden flash of light and poof of smoke from the window blinded them both.
"Verily, which of these heathens is the foul temptress who dare speaketh to and so seduce our beloved?" An unfamiliar voice declared. The smoke cleared to reveal a strange sight. Floating in midair was a woman with velvety red hair in a hime cut and wearing an archaic silk kimono, purple flames drifting in the air around her. The robe's neck was pulled wide to expose her bare shoulders and downright intimidating amount of cleavage, and she casually glanced over her nails, which were filed into long, narrow, and frighteningly
sharp points.
Beside her, Hanako stood disoriented, holding the cleanly divided halves of a home phone. "Uhh... Erika? This may be a good time to practice some exorcisms or sealing rituals..."
Erika glanced from the hovering woman to a completely befuddled Akane and back, noting their shared fox ears, and the athlete's one tail to the woman's nine. "I have no clue what's going on here, Akane, but I feel like this is somehow
your fault."
