"Good Morning, Brockton Bay!"
"And all our other subscribers across the internet!"
"I'm Uber,"
"And this is Leet"
"And this is another episode of the Uber & Leet Show!"
"I'm telling you, Uber, this is one for the history books. We've been producing this show for years, and never before have we had an opportunity to interact with a parahuman who matched with our expertise so well."
"That's the honest truth, Leet. And the actual result? Well, I was blown away by what we found."
"Literally, Uber. You were literally blown away."
"Spoilers, dude! We want people to watch this one!"
"Anyway! Needless to say, we were very excited to have the opportunity to participate in what was actually a genuine D-D-D-DUNGEON RAID, located in a supervillian's lair deep below Brockton Bay."
"As true nerds, how could we resist? Admittedly, we had a wide range of choices for themes on this one. The cape who had taken over the supervillian's cell blocks had shown that he could make zombie-themed minions, as well as automatic gun turrets, so we thought about some of the classic zombie thrillers, or even something like GoldenEye, but in the end, when faced with a Dungeon, you have to go to the granddaddy of all modern RPGs."
"That's right. For this very special episode, we are going with the classic, the one and only, it's right there in the title,"
"DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS!"
"So whether you're a fan of First Edition or whether your soul is so black and stained you prefer Fourth – looking at you, Uber – sit back, pop some popcorn and enjoy the show."
EARLIER
In a secret base hidden deep below the earth, a pair of intrepid nerds stroll casually down a long corridor, leading towards their destination, their date with destiny, the culmination of years of effort, blood, sweat, and tears. Leet grinned behind his false beard, eyes twinkling, fingers twitching as he forcibly suppressed to urge to bolt ahead of the group. His wizard's robes – +2 Robes of Deflection as he had described them to Uber when designing them – swished grandly around his feet, the copper shod foot of his Staff of Thunderbolts clicking on the concrete floor. Uber glanced at him, and though his friend's face was almost completely hidden by the steel helm he wore, Leet knew that Uber was just as thrilled. Ahead, a trio of villains clad in complementary red and black costumes lead the way deeper into Coil's base, flanked by a team of eight heavily armed mercenaries. They had been introduced as Trickster, Ballistic, and Sundancer of the Travelers, a nomadic band of villains that roamed the nation, working for the highest bidder. As he considered the situation, Leet's brow furrowed slightly. Something was a little off here. True, Coil had presented it as a rescue mission, extracting his 'employee' Tattletale from the clutches of an unnamed Shaker/Master that had subsumed part of his base, but… The tinker clicked his tongue twice, and the quantum-entangled comm-patch, just behind his jaw at the base of his left ear, activated, connecting to the identical one worn by Uber. "Coil seem fishy to you too, bro?" He subvocalized, knowing that the tech would pick up the vibrations from his jawbone.
"Coil's always fishy." Uber deadpanned. He was wearing professional grade steel-scale and leather armor, but his hand-and-a-half bastard sword and kite shield were some of Leet's earlier work. Fortunately, he had designed them to be modular so he was able to easily modify the external design for the current mission. "But yes. A previously unknown cape turns up in the deepest part of his base and takes over his prison block, with no information on how they show up? Movers are a thing, but I get the feeling Coil wasn't giving us all the information."
"Like how he's doing everything he can to be Skeletor, but without a skull mountain? Blofeld without a white cat?" Leet snorted. "I mean, style is one thing, but he's just… skeevy."
"Grand Theft Auto."
"Fuck you, that doesn't count."
"It fucked our reps up, L." Uber replied coolly. "Any chance we had of being anything other than minor villains was ruined."
"Because nobody read the disclaimer!" Leet hissed. "And we healed them up after the show!" One of the mercenaries, a petite blond woman with a pair of massive pistols, turned her head and gave him a glare. Leet winced, and the pair walked in silence until she looked away.
"Who reads disclaimers? Most people just saw the clips, and assumed the worst." Uber sighed. "But yeah, we need to keep an eye open. The cape can probably be reasoned with, but he's already proved willing to kill with very little notice."
"10-4." Leet clicked his tongue again, ending the connection. They were getting close to the end of the corridor. Following the directions from Coil's email, the pair of nerds had initially arrived at an abandoned parking garage earlier that morning, where a pair of mercenaries had escorted them to a freight elevator which brought them deep underground, where they met the other capes and mercenaries in an improvised conference room. Coil had given a video briefing, and then they all proceeded to walk. And walk. And walk. Leet wasn't in bad shape – part of being a good Tinker, at least with how volatile his creations were at times, was being able to sprint long distances at a moment's notice while dodging shrapnel – but he was getting tired of walking.
The group turned a corner, went down a set of short stairs into an open room with a pair of guard stations, and finally into a massive rectangular shaft, driven down deep into the bedrock underneath Brockton Bay. Lining the poured concrete walls and crisscrossing the interior of the hollow shaft were a vast network of steel walkways and staircases leading up and down within the room. Solid steel doors dotted the walls in places – mercenary barracks, armories, medical facilities, everything a villain could want in his evil lair. Uber whistled, leaning on a guardrail, looking down at a massive vault door set into the wall at the very bottom of the shaft. "Fallout?" Leet asked, nudging him in the ribs.
"Absolutely," Uber stated. "The door isn't a giant gear, but we've dealt with worse."
"I wouldn't suggest it." Rumbled a deep voice, and the pair jumped. The speaker was a massive beast, built like a gorilla but standing at nearly eight feet tall at the shoulder, even with its broad knuckles planted firmly on the ground. Rather than fur, the creature was covered in thick leathery plates that reminded Leet of scale-mail armor, with gray elephantine hide peeking out in places where the plates didn't cover. The head was bat-like, with huge, complex ears and a broad nose with flared nostrils, but sported a quartet of beady black eyes, two larger and facing forward, the other two smaller, and situated sideways on the high dome of the creature's head. It smiled, revealing a mouthful of interlocking tusks, and offered a massive three-fingered hand to Leet. "You may not like what you find. Genesis."
Leet gingerly shook the proffered hand, which engulfed his entire arm up to the elbow. "Leet. Just speculating, brainstorming a bit. You gotta stay on top of things, chase ideas where they lead you, when you're in a creative career."
Genesis bobbed its head. Leet belatedly noticed that it was wearing a red and black vest that strained to contain the bulging muscles in its torso. Otherwise, it was unclothed, genderless. "I watch the channel."
"Always good to meet a fan." Leet grinned weakly as Genesis smiled enigmatically, before knuckling away to join the other Travelers. Turning to Uber, who was watching, elbows on the rail and a grin peeking through the vents on his helmet, he quipped. "They have a cave troll."
Uber's brow furrowed. "That's probably what they're going for, actually." He muttered. "Size, strength, enhanced secondary senses for dark places. Coil mentioned that the cape liked ambushing people in the dark."
"Jeez, put the jokes in camps, man." Leet groaned.
"Just working things out. Did you see where we are heading yet?" Uber asked.
"No." Leet glanced around, before his eyes landed on an improvised firing position with sandbags and a quartet of armed mercenaries, a level up, positioned opposite the massive vault door. With a sinking feeling, he saw that the mercenaries were watching a pair of broad sliding doors, positioned about thirty feet apart. "Now I have."
"They're spooked." Uber murmured. "Seven skilled mercenaries killed and converted into zombies, with the only survivor badly traumatized and a Thinker captured. Gets you wondering if money is worth it."
"Dude."
"Sorry. Thinking."
"We're not in this for the money." Leet analyzed the sentence. "Well, no, we are in it for the money, but we're also in it because it's a chance to do an actual flippin' dungeon dive. We are nerd pioneers, dude! Uber Armstrong and Leet Alvin, going boldly where no nerd has gone before! One small step for a nerd, one giant leap for geek-kind!" Leet grinned broadly, giving his childhood friend a thumbs up.
Uber stared at Leet for a long moment. "Aldrin."
"Huh?"
"It was Buzz Aldrin. Get it right." Uber snorted. "And I noticed that you made me the first one in."
"Well, you are the meatsh- I mean tank." Leet joked. Uber groaned in frustration. "Dude, I'm the wizard, you're the fighter, you draw aggro so I can DPS."
"Don't ever speak again." Despite his words, Uber grinned and gave his friend a playful shove. "Think the others are waiting."
"WE ARE." came a shout from the burlier of the two male Travelers. Ballistic? He wore black combat armor, highlighted with red arrows and vectors and a half mask covering his eyes and nose. One hand was tucked into his belt, which was covered in pouches and holsters. The Travelers were waiting at the base of the stairs leading up to the cell block doors. The girl, Sundancer, was standing with her arms crossed, which enhanced certain features quite nicely in her skintight black costume, emblazoned with the image of a red sun. The apparent leader, Trickster, leaned on his cane, an easy grin gracing his dark-skinned face. The top hat perched jauntily on his head cast his grinning red mask in shadow, matching nicely with the sharp red and black suit he wore.
"Dude, chill, we're coming!" Leet called, and they approached. "Can't we just take a moment to admire the view?"
"Well, the view has been admired, but I don't think any number of flowers will make it happier to see you." needled Trickster.
Leet snorted. "You. I like you." The group of capes trooped up the stairs to where the mercenary team stood waiting by the prison. Something about the area was… different. Leet took a deep breath. "Does it smell different over here?"
Genesis sniffed at the air, its nose and brow wrinkling in thought. "Fresher, somehow."
"Yeah. Not quite as 'underground military complex' somehow." Leet agreed. "Wish I had brought my tricorder, but it wouldn't be on theme." Uber fished out a classic Star Trek tricorder from a pouch on his belt and dangled it in front of the Tinker. "Dude! I thought we weren't bringing it!"
"Chill, we haven't started recording. Just get some readings, and then I'll put it up." Uber tossed the device to his friend, who caught it, fumbling.
A few minutes of scanning yielded no results, no difference in the air quality, and no changes in background radiation, only a few minuscule fluctuations in space-time, nearly unmeasurable and absolutely non-threatening, that seemed to originate from within the contested cell blocks. "Hell if I know what's causing this." the tinker finally grumbled, stowing the tricorder in his bag of holding, before retrieving the Snitch, their trusty recording drone. "We ready to go in?"
"Finally," Ballistic grunted, to a snort from one of the mercenaries. Leet flicked a switch on the Snitch, and tossed it into the air, where it hung, shimmering, before it faded out of sight. The assembled group of capes and mercs turned to the door leading to Cell Block A, Uber and Genesis leading the way, but before they had gone more than a few paces, Genesis held up one massive hand.
"Something's not right."
Leet peered at the door. There was a glint of blue in the middle of the gray-painted steel. No. A spot was glowing with blue light. "It's… glowing." Without thinking, he pulled the tricorder with one hand, flipping it on. "No radiation. No chemical emissions. No heat." The spot pulsed, and another one appeared on the door to Cell Block B. Blue light flared, and the spots rapidly grew, encompassing the doors and the wall between them in less than a second, the entire team scrambling backward. The glow pulsed, flaring brightly, and Leet looked away to avoid damaging his vision. When he looked back, the doors had changed. Where once was a bare concrete wall, set with two steel sliding doors, was now a broad entryway with an overhanging marquee, opulent brass and carved ornamentation faded and tarnished by time and lack of care, setting resting over a pair of solid wood double doors. Between the doors was what appeared to be a ticket station, but with all the glass covered with dilapidated plywood. If he hadn't literally seen it appear seconds ago, Leet would have sworn that it had been a theater, abandoned for decades. Wave the Tricorder. Stare.
"Dude," Uber asked. "What did you get?"
"Nothing. It's completely ordinary." Leet stated, shaken.
"Ordinary? We literally just watched it appear in a flash of blue light!" Trickster snapped. "I thought you were supposed to be a Tinker!"
"Well excuse me if I can't analyze a form of energy nobody on earth has ever documented before!" Leet retorted.
"Trickster," Sundancer stated softly, putting her hand on his arm. "He's trying. Remember, this is..."
"Yes, I know." he sighed, taking off his hat and running a hand over his scalp. "It's for her."
Leet watched the pair for a second or two, before shaking his head and looking back at the tricorder. "It does look like some of the minor space-time fluctuations are increasing, but that's localized all the way in the back of the cell blocks. I estimate 200 feet or more from the entrance."
"Kid, your numbers are off." one of the mercenaries, a dark-skinned man in his late thirties, growled. "The cell blocks only go back about forty feet."
"Then he fucking dug a tunnel or something! We literally just watched some Harry Potter fucking transfiguration, and you're bitching about my numbers!" Leet snapped back.
"Chill." Uber murmured over the throat comm. "Anger isn't helping."
Leet took a couple of deep breaths and centered himself. He itched to try and take the apparent antiques apart, to see if he could find anything at all to show what caused the unexplained transformation. "Sorry. There's no point arguing." he finally stated. "We can't find the answer out here. We have to go in."
Trickster stared at the Tinker for a long moment. "Fine." He glanced around at the assembled group. "Suggestions?"
Uber chimed in. "Genesis in the front, with me, Leet, and Ballistic close behind. Trickster and Sundancer in the back." He looked over at the mercenaries. "No offense, guys, but I think you'll need to stay back and guard the entrance from inside." Uber glanced at Leet, who nodded. "Something tells me that the interior is going to be changed from what we expect from the floor plan Coil gave us."
Ballistic snorted. "Ya think?" He pointed up at the marquee, where tarnished brass letters hung precariously. "Theatre of the Damned." The armored Traveler chuckled. "Fucker's got a sense of drama. Gonna be all 'theatrical' about it."
Leet felt himself grinning. "Well, what are we waiting for?" he asked. He was getting excited. Parahuman effects that he had never seen before! A fucking dungeon! And with a theme, too!
Genesis knuckled over to the door, inspecting the heavy stained wood and brass fittings. "I'll fit. Barely." It said, placing one broad hand on one of the solid oak doors, before slowly pushing it open. The door creaked, loudly and clearly, the tone echoing through the empty cavern.
"There's no way that wasn't deliberate," Ballistic stated, unimpressed, and Sundancer giggled.
Genesis pushed open the other door, with an identical creak, and stepped inside. "Nothing moving." It was pitch black inside the room, but it felt cavernous, the massive room echoing oddly. "Come on."
The squad moved in, and Leet grabbed an Orb of Light – a repurposed antigrav drone the size of a golf ball that produced a dome of soft ambient light without being blinding - and tossed it into the room. "Wow." They were standing on a balcony, only about ten feet long and about forty feet wide, extending to just past the other door. In front of them stretched a cavernous entryway, with arched ceilings thirty or forty feet tall, supported by pairs of marble pillars, extending forward for over one hundred feet. Between the rows of pillars a pair of mammoth crystal chandeliers, easily twenty feet across, hung from thick chains in the middle of the grand hallway. A broad stairway stretched down in front of them, ending on the gray marble floor twenty feet below them, where a moth-eaten red carpet laid, drawing a blood-colored path into the distant shadows between the pillars. The air was stale and cold, a scent of mold and decay in the air. Drifts of plaster, fallen from ruined ceilings, laid in random piles on the floor, and the brass fittings and fixtures were all tarnished ruins.
Leet glanced to either side. A long balcony with ornamental rails lined both sides of the broad hallway, about ten feet higher than where they were currently positioned, with multiple doors set into the wall on either side. His gut sank. Ambush positions. His eyes drifted to the chandeliers, hanging conveniently over the red carpet, and he gulped. This Dungeon Master was going to be a pain. His mind drifted back to a handful of tabletop sessions in high school. "Do not walk under the chandeliers, guys."
All eyes locked on the hanging masses of ancient wax, dusty crystal, and aging wire. "Got it." Ballistic grunted, but even his taciturn voice sounded strained.
After a bit of discussion, the mercenaries wound up fortifying the balcony just by the entrance, keeping an eye on the higher balconies. There did not seem to be any doors along the walls at floor level, and the light was only just strong enough to show hints of a third long balcony along the end of the hallway, under which a cut-out in the wall led deeper inside. Leet shifted his robes, tightened his fingers around his staff, and slipped a Wand of Dragon's Breath into his sleeve. "We ready?" He asked.
"Let's go," grunted Genesis, and the Brute led the party down the stairs, Uber, Leet, and Ballistic close behind. Uber drew his sword and shifted his kite shield onto his left arm, rolling his shoulders to loosen up, while Ballistic tucked a hand briefly into a pouch before pulling it out again, clenched at his side. They carefully made their way down the stairs, their footsteps echoing oddly in the large room. The closer they got to the floor, the softer their footsteps sounded, muffled and deadened. The air was still. Not dangerous, but stuffy.
Leet swiped a finger along the marble banister and came back with a pile of plaster dust clinging to the tip. "The immersion is incredible." Rather than echoing, the room seemed to suck the volume out of his voice. "I know intellectually that this was a cell block less than a day ago, but I could swear it's been an abandoned theater for decades." He shivered. "Getting colder, too."
"Need some flannels under that sleeping gown?" Trickster drawled acerbically. His cane twirled idly between his fingers, but Leet could see his dark eyes darting around the room, looking for movement.
"Ha fucking ha." Some part of Leet wanted to rant and rave, but he suppressed it, reminding himself that he was on camera, the Snitch floating invisibly overhead, algorithms processing and automatically acquired the best camera angles. "Just saying, there is more going on here than just changing the shape of the room."
"Spatial distortion?" Genesis rumbled curiously. The troll-like Changer was having a little difficulty knuckling down the stairs but seemed oddly reluctant to leap the few remaining feet to the floor.
"No Space Expansion Charm here, so far as I can tell." Leet murmured, remembering to stay in character for a moment. "The tricorder would have shown that. It can detect Vista's power without any issues." Less than five feet to the bottom, now. There seemed to be a thin mist, a hint of fog covering the floor of the grand hallway, difficult to notice from above. "Stop!" Leet barked, and the party stopped in mixed obedience and confusion. His fingers tightened around his staff, a thumb working over the microswitches embedded into an ornamental knot on the faux wood. The Orb of Light zipped over to the top of his staff and nestled in a small knot of branches. Thrusting the staff forward, he switched it over to beam mode, and a flare of brilliant white light erupted in a cone from the top of his staff. He slowly panned the beam of light over the base of the stairs, then further along, focusing on the bases of the pillars and the marble floor. "Uber, you see anything?"
Uber stepped around Genesis and gingerly made his way to the base of the stairs. "No tripwires, and the fog would show lasers unless they are in the infrared range."
Genesis shook its head. "I see in the infrared. Nothing."
"Can we get a move on?" Ballistic groaned. "Are we getting paid for these morons to LARP?"
Leet was about to retort when Sundancer, of all people, rounded on her teammate. "Would you stop? They got brought in as consultants because the boss believes that they will understand how this cape thinks." She leveled a glare at the burly Striker. "And you're one to talk about LARPing. March second, 2007." A smile twitched a corner of her mouth, under her domino mask. "She was a dark elf."
Ballistic subsided with a grumble, and Leet didn't bother hiding his snicker as he turned to Uber. "Are we safe?"
Uber hesitated for a moment, looking over the room again, before shaking his head. "We're in the territory of a Shaker/Master with a penchant for the undead and a taste for the dramatic, and I have a sneaking suspicion that he thinks like our DM from high school." Uber and Leet shared a synchronized shudder. "So many goblins. So no, we aren't really safe, until we actually resolve things with this guy." He pauses. "For better or worse. But I think we can get off the stairs."
Genesis nodded again, and gingerly knuckled its way down to level ground, broad toes and fingers flexing against the bedraggled carpet. Leet released the Orb of Light to hover overhead, and walked down beside it. "What do you think?" he asked softly.
The bestial Changer looked around slowly, ears swiveling and nostrils flaring. "We're the only things alive in here, but the still air is making it harder to tell. It's all a little too…" It wobbled a hand in midair. "uniform and dead." Another deep breath. "Hints of oil and rot." Genesis' eyes widened suddenly, and its head rotated to face the far end of the hall, where the end of the red carpet led off into darkness. Just as Trickster, the last of the six to descend the steps set foot on the red carpet, there was a surge of sound, so low it was nearly impossible to hear. The wall of sound hit with almost visible force, the mist on the floor rippling and churning in coils and tendrils after it passed. Candles flared into yellow light on the vast chandeliers overhead in a great wave, illuminating the grand room in dusty sepia tones, filtered through the aging, dirty crystal.
"He knows we're here." Sundancer whispered.
And the echos began. "Here here here here herehereherherherherheheheheee."
"We come in peace!" Uber stated, his voice in the steady, announcer-like tone that indicated he was enhancing his oratory skill with his power.
"Peace peace peacepeacepiecepiecepiecespiecespiecsessses" The echos whispered, a malevolent mutter that faded into silence. Leet shuddered.
"We mean you no harm." Uber continued, head turning slowly, looking for the source of the noise.
"HARM HARM HARM HARM harm harm harm harmharmharmharmharm."
"Someone is coming." Genesis stated. Leet heard it then, slow, scraping footsteps approaching down the red carpet. He looked, and grinned in terrified anticipation.
The approaching figure was a tall, slender figure, slightly feminine, but only from the bone structure and slender waist. Grey, desiccated flesh stretched tightly over lean bones peaked out from under a dusty black dress shirt and slacks, while bare feet bearing long jagged nails dug into the carpet. A tight red vest clung tightly to the emaciated ribcage. Withered skin clung in wrinkled relief to a bare skull, broken yellow teeth poked out of a lipless mouth, but worst of all were the glowing ice-blue lights that glittered coldly from behind milky white cataracts. Leet gritted his teeth and lowered the head of his staff, fingers on the hidden controls that would send a blast of lightning at the approaching undead. Something about the thing was tickling at his memory. Images from the previews of a game from Aleph that hadn't been released yet… His eyes widened. "Draugr."
Uber heard his panicked whisper. "Oh shit." He drew his sword and shield. Out of the corner of his eye, Leet noticed Ballistic, Sundancer, and Trickster spreading out in a semicircle, creating clear lanes of fire at the creature.
The Draugr approached surprisingly quickly, coming to a stop twenty feet away from the tense party of villains. It slowly looked at each one of them, before the ice-blue lights rested on Leet. A single withered arm raised slowly, a single index finger pointed directly at his chest. Leet clenched his staff tightly, his other hand ready to flick the Wand of Dragonbreath to attack position. "You." The desiccated corpse groaned, its voice a husky contralto, as cold as the grave. Leet waited. The Draugr stared. Leet met its – her – eyes, before flinching away from the cold blue light. "Tickets, please."
"What."
"Tickets. Please." The Draugr repeated, without inflection.
"I… ah…" Leet stammered. "Don't have any?"
The Draugr nodded in slow satisfaction, lowering its arm. "No Entry."
"We… Can't come in?" Leet asked. Why was no one else saying anything?
"No Tickets. No Entry." Withered arms crossed in a stern expression. Blue magic eyes glared at him. Leet was oddly reminded of his grandmother, then apologized mentally.
"We would like to come in." Uber added hopefully. "Can we get tickets?"
The Draugr's head snapped over to Uber, who jerked back. "No. Tickets." It explained. "No. Entry."
"Okay." Leet muttered. What to do? Kill the undead, aggro the unknown dungeon full of unknown enemies. Continue trying to negotiate with the increasingly testy undead, likely aggro the unknown dungeon full of unknown enemies. Try to bluff the undead, once again, aggro the unknown dungeon full of unknown fucking enemies.
Leet was drawn out of his increasingly frantic ruminations by the sudden explosion of the Draugr's ribcage. As the limbs toppled to the floor and skull spiraled into the air, the icy blue eyes flashed and blazed into red light, and the mouth fell open in a high-pitched siren-like scream that echoed through the hall long after the head fell to the floor with a thud.
Trickster rounded on Ballistic. "What. The FUCK. was that?" Genesis and Sundancer's heads snapped too and fro, just as startled by the sudden change and unnerving wail.
"Baseball." Ballistic grinned. "He was taking too long."
"You dumb motherfu-" A slow, booming drumbeat sounded out from deep inside the complex, followed by a long, low blare of trumpets, and Trickster's impending tirade stopped in its tracks.
"Ballistic?" Leet asked, pulling out his Wand. The party grouped together, huddling behind Genesis's bulk.
"Yeah?" The doors on the upper balconies slammed open, and skeletons wearing dusty black suits and sunglasses, carrying violin cases poured out onto the balcony, lining up at the edge. Behind them, at the top of the stairs, Leet could hear the mercenaries cocking their weapons.
"I fucking hate you." Leet said fervently.
Dozens of violin cases hit the floor. Dozens of Thompson submachine guns leveled at the squad of six villains. A voice rang out from the upper balcony. "Rattle 'em, boys!"
Skeletal mob enforcers opened fire, and all hell broke loose.
AN: Seemed like a good spot to end it.
Edit:fixed some word choices.
