globalwarmth
ruining the weather.
- Location
- Polar ice caps
and at the end it was nothing but a horror story for entities. now be good or you'll be harmonized!
Therapy, a Wormfic
- Thread starter frommerman
- Start date
infinityDivided
Prince Of Doom
- Location
- USA
Epilogue needed!
- Location
- United States of America
This was a great story the ending was perfect The Warrior has received therapy and helped fix the world the Worm/Death Note crossover sounds interesting if you do this would Taylor also gain an addiction to apples like Ryuk and other shinigami
The Stormbringer
Worm Fanfic & Crack Connoisseur
- Location
- Spaaaaace~!
You know... this is the first time I've seen a story where I've seen Scion converted to the good side and actually... evolving, for lack of a better word, into something greater. He wasn't enslaved, or co-opted, or ordered around, but made to understand how to better things. I like it, I like it a lot.
I feel like Worm/Death Note would be hard as hell to make any real change against capes, but if you can come up with an interesting story, by all means do so. At the very least every non-cape gang member that's been caught and their name and face have been made public are going to start dying in droves. RIP support base for villainous parahumans!
I mean really, think about it. Once people realize that anyone who joins a gang is likely to die terribly, people are going to stop joining gangs. Then they might wonder why they shouldn't be the ones standing up to the villains, once they start out-numbering them to an even more massive degree.
I feel like Worm/Death Note would be hard as hell to make any real change against capes, but if you can come up with an interesting story, by all means do so. At the very least every non-cape gang member that's been caught and their name and face have been made public are going to start dying in droves. RIP support base for villainous parahumans!
I mean really, think about it. Once people realize that anyone who joins a gang is likely to die terribly, people are going to stop joining gangs. Then they might wonder why they shouldn't be the ones standing up to the villains, once they start out-numbering them to an even more massive degree.
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Dquinnicus
Pugnacious Pipe Purveyor
- Location
- The Big Empty
The world needs more good M:TG stories. I say go for it!
Morphic Tide
Crazy Brainstormer, Munchkin and Wannabe Min-Maxer
- Location
- MI, USA
Seconded. Might I recommend an Aetherborn trying to figure out how to permanently avoid disintegrating? Perhaps by making themself into a Construct permanently, or seeking to pull a Phylactery type deal where their soul/existence is kept in or anchored by something and they can go around separately from it. Going by what little I know of the lore behind them, artifice can make them last longer, so permanently solving the issue by becoming a golem/construct is probably able to be done.
- Location
- Wisconsin
I feel like Worm/Death Note would be hard as hell to make any real change against capes, but if you can come up with an interesting story, by all means do so. At the very least every non-cape gang member that's been caught and their name and face have been made public are going to start dying in droves. RIP support base for villainous parahumans!
I mean really, think about it. Once people realize that anyone who joins a gang is likely to die terribly, people are going to stop joining gangs. Then they might wonder why they shouldn't be the ones standing up to the villains, once they start out-numbering them to an even more massive degree.
Non-cape gang member deaths are just the start. Been a while since I watched Death Note, but I seem to remember an experiment that made someone walk down to the docks and drown himself. Known gang member? Suicide by your cape boss. Someone might get lucky, and the paranoia in the cape leaders will make things even
Scholar of Time
Master of Lurking
- Location
- Born of Sands, Raised in Shadow
A surprisingly powerful and well-constructed piece! Well done - Author! *woot*
- Location
- Unknown
I would love the Death Note one
Hotdog Vendor
Author of 'Sisters of Rail'
- Location
- (5 + 3 * sqrt(5)) / 8
- Pronouns
- She/Her
There are the regular fixfics which make you go 'meh'. And then there's this, which gives you deep feels . Bravo!
Skyrim is cool and all but my vote is for Aetherborn because Kaladesh is shiny and new.
. Bravo!Skyrim is cool and all but my vote is for Aetherborn because Kaladesh is shiny and new.
- Location
- space
I am down for any and all munchkinry.
- Location
- Minnesota
You know, the ending leaves a massive question...
What happened to Taylor?
What happened to Taylor?
Nictis
Best Sidekick
- Location
- Ninja Dave's Cookies
- Pronouns
- Any
I'm definitely glad I saw this right before the end, very interesting read and far better than most fix-fics.
As for the other ideas you mentioned, I love HP & THE NAT20, but Deathnote in a world of capes seems really interesting... I do have to wonder if the Terrible Trio and New Wave survive.
As for the other ideas you mentioned, I love HP & THE NAT20, but Deathnote in a world of capes seems really interesting... I do have to wonder if the Terrible Trio and New Wave survive.
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Repeating what I said on Reddit:
This is *damn* good for a first attempt. Amazingly so, in fact. The simple fact that you've got good grammar, spelling, and copyediting puts you above 90% of fanfic. The fact that the story is actually engaging puts you above 50% of the remainder.
My complaint is that things seem a little easy for Taylor. Her power keeps her sane so she has no internal conflict, even when she kills the Butcher. She is objectively improving people's lives, so they are on-side with helping her. Her one weakness is that she's squishy and not very combat capable, but Panacea and the Butcher get rid of that PDQ.
I think the real missed opportunity was with Dragon's halo scanner. You had a chance to explore the moral and psychological implications of forcibly changing someone's mind. From an outside view there was no difference here between Taylor curing people and Taylor turning people into happy pod people loyal to her. There could have been some real conflict there that would have made for a great story, but having Dragon definitely say "nope, s'all good" killed that plotline. Indeed, everything is a little too easy for her.
Please keep writing. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
And adding the following, now that I've actually finished the story:
The ending was clumsy. It wasn't connected to anything that came before it and removed all agency from the main characters. It was literally a deus ex machina -- the whole thing could have been replaced with "and then Taylor's shard talked Scion into fixing everything" and nothing would have been lost.
Also, a couple of specifics:
On top of that, it's not like he was hiding, or resisting arrest. Everyone saw where he went; if they wanted him all they had to do was walk down the hall and say "yo, Kid, it's your shift for monitor duty" or "yo, Kid, you need to file paperwork before spending time in your lab, or else Piggot will be mad at you." Under the circumstances this seems like a real failing on the part of Kid Win's teammates.
Even if we ignore the above, it seems like a verbal scolding is all that was merited, not actual punishment. The fact that Kid actually seems to feel guilty made no sense to me.
Did I miss something here?
Judge: you're being charged with attempted homicide. How do you plead?
Defense lawyer: not guilty by reason of insanity. I call the cape Sanity to attest. Sanity, was Brandish insane when she attacked you?
Sanity: Yup.
DL: Is she still insane?
Sanity: Nope.
Jury: Not guilty.
For that matter, the punishment for "not guilty by reason of insanity" is typically time in a psych ward, but Brandish is now sane so that wouldn't do anything.
For that matter, it doesn't even make sense to punish Brandish. This literally isn't the same person who attacked Sanity. Sanity erased that person and replaced her with someone completely different who happens to share the same body and memories. This isn't like the healing she's done so far -- Sanity isn't removing PTSD, depression, or something else that constrains the person's actions but leaves their values and goals unchanged. In this case Sanity has removed the defining elements of Brandish's ego, the things which drove all of her behavior. The original Brandish is *gone*.
[clinic worker walks down the line of people waiting, handing out forms as she goes]
Clinic Worker: okay, folks, here's how this works. The paper says "I consent to have Sanity touch me, in the full understanding that this will remove whatever mental illnesses I may be suffering from." Sign it now.
Person in Line: What happens if I'm not sure and I want to talk with Sanity about it?
CW: If you make it to the waiting room and you haven't signed, you will be asked to go back to the end of the line to think some more. If you want someone to talk to about the decision we will refer you to one of the therapists who is volunteering with us.
PiL: Okay, I've signed. Now what?
CW: Once you get to the head of the line you will sprint through the room where Sanity is waiting, touching her hand on the way by. Aid workers will be waiting to catch you if you fall over. If you are able to leave we ask that you do so immediately to make room. If not, we'll put you in a bed until you're able to leave.
If she stayed open for 10 hours, that's 600 minutes. If she only saw 138 people, that means she spent 4.3 minutes with each person. That is a LOT of time when all she has to do is touch them. Lots of people did not get seen because she did not delegate the touchy-feely parts and focus on efficiency.
Finally, I'd like to reiterate that I did enjoy the story despite the above critique. I look forward to more of your work.
This is *damn* good for a first attempt. Amazingly so, in fact. The simple fact that you've got good grammar, spelling, and copyediting puts you above 90% of fanfic. The fact that the story is actually engaging puts you above 50% of the remainder.
My complaint is that things seem a little easy for Taylor. Her power keeps her sane so she has no internal conflict, even when she kills the Butcher. She is objectively improving people's lives, so they are on-side with helping her. Her one weakness is that she's squishy and not very combat capable, but Panacea and the Butcher get rid of that PDQ.
I think the real missed opportunity was with Dragon's halo scanner. You had a chance to explore the moral and psychological implications of forcibly changing someone's mind. From an outside view there was no difference here between Taylor curing people and Taylor turning people into happy pod people loyal to her. There could have been some real conflict there that would have made for a great story, but having Dragon definitely say "nope, s'all good" killed that plotline. Indeed, everything is a little too easy for her.
Please keep writing. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
And adding the following, now that I've actually finished the story:
The ending was clumsy. It wasn't connected to anything that came before it and removed all agency from the main characters. It was literally a deus ex machina -- the whole thing could have been replaced with "and then Taylor's shard talked Scion into fixing everything" and nothing would have been lost.
Also, a couple of specifics:
This left me baffled. What's he being punished for here? Is it against the rules to spend time in his workshop? Maybe he missed monitor duty or something, but that isn't mentioned. Is the problem that Tinkers are required to document what they're going to build before they build it? If so, that seems really bizarre and I would have liked a clearer explanation that that's what it was.
On top of that, it's not like he was hiding, or resisting arrest. Everyone saw where he went; if they wanted him all they had to do was walk down the hall and say "yo, Kid, it's your shift for monitor duty" or "yo, Kid, you need to file paperwork before spending time in your lab, or else Piggot will be mad at you." Under the circumstances this seems like a real failing on the part of Kid Win's teammates.
Even if we ignore the above, it seems like a verbal scolding is all that was merited, not actual punishment. The fact that Kid actually seems to feel guilty made no sense to me.
Did I miss something here?
This left me almost as confused. There seems like no point. That trial is going to go:
Judge: you're being charged with attempted homicide. How do you plead?
Defense lawyer: not guilty by reason of insanity. I call the cape Sanity to attest. Sanity, was Brandish insane when she attacked you?
Sanity: Yup.
DL: Is she still insane?
Sanity: Nope.
Jury: Not guilty.
For that matter, the punishment for "not guilty by reason of insanity" is typically time in a psych ward, but Brandish is now sane so that wouldn't do anything.
For that matter, it doesn't even make sense to punish Brandish. This literally isn't the same person who attacked Sanity. Sanity erased that person and replaced her with someone completely different who happens to share the same body and memories. This isn't like the healing she's done so far -- Sanity isn't removing PTSD, depression, or something else that constrains the person's actions but leaves their values and goals unchanged. In this case Sanity has removed the defining elements of Brandish's ego, the things which drove all of her behavior. The original Brandish is *gone*.
This seems woefully inefficient. Here's a better solution:
[clinic worker walks down the line of people waiting, handing out forms as she goes]
Clinic Worker: okay, folks, here's how this works. The paper says "I consent to have Sanity touch me, in the full understanding that this will remove whatever mental illnesses I may be suffering from." Sign it now.
Person in Line: What happens if I'm not sure and I want to talk with Sanity about it?
CW: If you make it to the waiting room and you haven't signed, you will be asked to go back to the end of the line to think some more. If you want someone to talk to about the decision we will refer you to one of the therapists who is volunteering with us.
PiL: Okay, I've signed. Now what?
CW: Once you get to the head of the line you will sprint through the room where Sanity is waiting, touching her hand on the way by. Aid workers will be waiting to catch you if you fall over. If you are able to leave we ask that you do so immediately to make room. If not, we'll put you in a bed until you're able to leave.
If she stayed open for 10 hours, that's 600 minutes. If she only saw 138 people, that means she spent 4.3 minutes with each person. That is a LOT of time when all she has to do is touch them. Lots of people did not get seen because she did not delegate the touchy-feely parts and focus on efficiency.
Finally, I'd like to reiterate that I did enjoy the story despite the above critique. I look forward to more of your work.
HolyDragoon
Call Gespenst!
- Location
- Portugal
>Focus on efficiency
>Mental healthcare
So basically: *pat* You're healed, now sod off.
Instant healing or not, am I the only one that would that the healer is a bloody dick that's only doing that because he is being ordered to?
>Mental healthcare
So basically: *pat* You're healed, now sod off.
Instant healing or not, am I the only one that would that the healer is a bloody dick that's only doing that because he is being ordered to?
- Location
- Pale Blue Dot
Maybe, but I'm pretty certain I would be happy about getting healed anyway. Insisting that ten other people should not be cured because I wanted to talk a bit with her? Erm. If she wants to talk, sure, no problem. If I insist on talking? ... I'm pretty certain I would feel like a heel about it afterwards, once I realised what that had cost how many. If other people called me out on having done that, they would probably be right to do so.
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- Location
- US
Responses to those three critiques, @eaglejarl
It's against the rules to spend two consecutive days in his workshop, nonstop, foregoing school, sleep, and regular meals. He was ignoring alarms telling him to go do other things and his phones both died, so nobody even knew where he was. His parents kind of expect late nights no matter where he is, and just assumed (correctly) that he'd gotten sucked into a project the first day.
Armsmaster is allowed to do this, of course, and has done worse, but he at least has Dragon to scold him while he's working.
Correct! But, the legal system is glacially slow, especially in cases of attempted murder. This whole story takes place over about two months. Court dates hadn't been set quite yet, as discovery was still a factor.
That is absolutely a better solution...if your only concern is speed.
That isn't her only concern. For one, 138 is the total number of people who showed on the first day. This is because she lives in the same universe as Teacher and Heartbreaker. The people who showed all shared a very specific combination of desperation and lack of paranoia (or suicidal ideation), otherwise they would have stayed far, far away from the cape who "makes you better at a touch" according to the totally trustworthy PRT.
Second, she needs to not be terrifying if she wants to continue getting volunteers. As we see later in the fic, her power is completely terrifying when applied properly, and she knows this full well. She's trying to appear as human as possible so she doesn't scare away prospective patients or turn her PR against her.
I totally agree that the ending was abrupt. I just didn't have any more ideas and wasn't sure how to write us into the end.
It's against the rules to spend two consecutive days in his workshop, nonstop, foregoing school, sleep, and regular meals. He was ignoring alarms telling him to go do other things and his phones both died, so nobody even knew where he was. His parents kind of expect late nights no matter where he is, and just assumed (correctly) that he'd gotten sucked into a project the first day.
Armsmaster is allowed to do this, of course, and has done worse, but he at least has Dragon to scold him while he's working.
Correct! But, the legal system is glacially slow, especially in cases of attempted murder. This whole story takes place over about two months. Court dates hadn't been set quite yet, as discovery was still a factor.
That is absolutely a better solution...if your only concern is speed.
That isn't her only concern. For one, 138 is the total number of people who showed on the first day. This is because she lives in the same universe as Teacher and Heartbreaker. The people who showed all shared a very specific combination of desperation and lack of paranoia (or suicidal ideation), otherwise they would have stayed far, far away from the cape who "makes you better at a touch" according to the totally trustworthy PRT.
Second, she needs to not be terrifying if she wants to continue getting volunteers. As we see later in the fic, her power is completely terrifying when applied properly, and she knows this full well. She's trying to appear as human as possible so she doesn't scare away prospective patients or turn her PR against her.
I totally agree that the ending was abrupt. I just didn't have any more ideas and wasn't sure how to write us into the end.
- Location
- Australia
Kid Win is a Ward. He has to go through a retinal scanner to get into the Wards' base. If anyone, at any time, wanted to know where he was, all they'd have to do is query the computer system. Or wait, first check his workshop (he's a Tinker, after all).
Apparently neither his team leader nor any of the so-called responsible adults directly tasked with the well-being of the teenage superhumans in their midst thought to do this.
It's not his fault for working two days straight. Tinker fugue is a well-known phenomenon. It's the Protectorate's for not keeping a closer eye on him.
Twei
I have a face!
- Location
- the land where they write things
- Pronouns
- They/Them
I personally agree that the power was too... abrupt, for lack of a better word. Not just because of the contradiction of perfect pod people, not just because of how things seemed easy for Taylor, but because it takes the Therapy out of the title.
Don't get me wrong, you could work it around the idea that people are reasonable to distrust perfect pod people and having Dragon not be okay with the power's effects (it could even make sense from a naive view; sure, they may think they don't want it, but CR is sure everyone will be happy once they get their repairs!), but I think it'd be more interesting if the power lacked that Striker component and instead Taylor actually talked through people's problems. Less good!Master more good!Jack Slash, if that makes any sense. Cutting Ties (Harbin's JS!Taylor) was absolutely fun, and we definitely saw an aspect of Jack Slash-esque social instincts with Bitch and Hookwolf way back at Somer's Rock, and I think it'd be great if that was expanded on.
That said, the fic was still pretty fun in spite of me realizing that said problem is a problem, so I give it a thumbs up all the same o/
Don't get me wrong, you could work it around the idea that people are reasonable to distrust perfect pod people and having Dragon not be okay with the power's effects (it could even make sense from a naive view; sure, they may think they don't want it, but CR is sure everyone will be happy once they get their repairs!), but I think it'd be more interesting if the power lacked that Striker component and instead Taylor actually talked through people's problems. Less good!Master more good!Jack Slash, if that makes any sense. Cutting Ties (Harbin's JS!Taylor) was absolutely fun, and we definitely saw an aspect of Jack Slash-esque social instincts with Bitch and Hookwolf way back at Somer's Rock, and I think it'd be great if that was expanded on.
That said, the fic was still pretty fun in spite of me realizing that said problem is a problem, so I give it a thumbs up all the same o/
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