November 6th, 2128
"Mandy," Mary's tone was one of fond exasperation as she nudged the adjoining door to your linked studies open, leading the way with a mug of something hot and sweet in one hand and a small bag held firmly in the other. You looked up at your best friend from the journal left to you by Gaskin, and blinked a few times at her appearance. Then your brain processed what you were seeing.
Fresh clothing with a hot drink, a bag of what your nose was telling you were pastries, and an expression that was trying to be severe and failing badly. You blinked a few times, then looked over at the old analogue clock mounted beside the door, cheerfully showing the time of eight...in the growing light of a Martian sunrise. A moment later your face thumped down onto the journal in front of you.
"Sorry," you groaned into the crisp pages, the realisation of how much time you'd lost very abruptly catching up with you. At least you hadn't missed anything; Sidra would have stopped you from doing so. Mary just sighed, and you looked up to see your friend staring at you with a hint of real concern in her eyes.
"Amanda, I know that what's in here," she leant down to deposit the bag she'd been carrying and gently tugged the old journal out from under your face, "is important. But you need to stop doing this. I know you can, I know it's safe, but leaning on Sidra like this isn't healthy. And staying in here night and day isn't either."
"I know," you said, and though part of you really didn't want to meet your friend's eyes, you forced yourself to do it, apology screaming in every line. She was, indeed, correct. Sidra let you ignore many of the physical limitations of your body, an effect of the Aegis that not many people outside of the Two Twenty Three actually knew about, though keeping that from Mary would have been futile even if she hadn't been deeply involved in their creation. "I just get lost in it, and then," you waved a weary hand at the clock, and the situation around you. This was far from the first time it had happened this month.
"I know," Mary said, placing the mug down on your desk. "But we do worry about you, you know. Even if it's a rather object lesson in how I know I sometimes make you feel, when I get lost in things."
"At least I haven't locked myself in my quarters for a week," you joked weakly. It was poor enough as an attempt, but at least it won a smile.
"Sidra wouldn't let you," Mary said reprovingly, though the smile didn't fade. "But yes, I guess a few missed nights isn't as bad as that. Though if you're going to make that comparison," her smile widened into a truly dangerous grin, and you remembered abruptly how you'd helped her moderate her sometimes obsessive fixation on trying to find an answer or solution to a particular problem. "I'm cancelling your schedule for today."
You started to open your mouth to protest, and stopped short as your friend's eyes flashed with green fire. "Instead, you are going to spend your day away from here," Mary told you with absolutely no give in her tone, "and any more of this." She gestured to the screens and hardcopy scattered around your desk. "You need to get away before this drives you insane, Mandy."
You opened your mouth again, this time to point out how removing you from it whilst half-finished was unlikely to help either, but she cut in before you could do more than shape the first word. "I'm not saying we can't talk about what you've found so far. But you haven't been giving yourself the time to process since you started reading that journal, and I know you need it."
There were a lot of different things you could have said to that, but none of them would have helped, and Mary was, once again, right. "All right," you bowed your head again, reaching out for the sealed cup that Mary had brought you. "Where are we going?"
"This is nice," you said most of three hours later, leaning back on the pillow Mary had packed for you as the two of you stared out from the rim of the caldera that Mytikas had been built within, across the farming terraces and their brilliant contrast of green plants against rust-red soil. Mary looked over as you spoke, her own pillow placed to cushion her head against the rock she was leaning back on.
"Much nicer than spending another day cooped up in your study again, isn't it," she said, though her smile was less full than you'd have thought. "But you've been very quiet about it since this morning. I am curious, you know."
You had been quiet, and much more so than usual. It wasn't that you were annoyed at your friend; you wouldn't have given false praise. But getting away had allowed you take a breath, and as it started to flow out of you now, things were starting to fall into place. The problem being that there weren't quite enough of them, not yet.
"I'm," you grimaced, "I'm not quite sure where to start." It was easier to admit that than you'd expected, and you saw your friend's grin coming a mile away. "And it's mostly because I don't know where the beginning is."
That admission, and the level tone it was given in, stopped the joke short, and Mary frowned gently. Not at you, but at the words themselves. It wasn't exactly rare for either of you to have difficulty putting a personal understanding into something others could understand. But you'd usually at least know where to begin the process. But she didn't ask if you were sure, simply trusting in your word.
"Then don't start at the beginning," she suggested instead, green eyes soft and reached out a hand to grasp the closest one of yours firmly. "But I didn't ask you to come out here just to simmer on what you're not sure of how to explain. Just find a place to start speaking. It doesn't matter where it is. We'll figure it out." She smiled again and the simply knowing in the expression was almost painful.
You nodded quickly, not at all to hide the swift blinking the motion allowed. Your words were rough when you spoke next. "Don't you get tired of swapping seats with me?"
Mary's fingers tightened on yours. "How could I ever get tired of helping you?" Those were your words, ones you'd given to her many years ago, and yet never truly expected to have returned. Certainly not like this, doing for you what you'd done so many times for her.
"Alright," you bowed your head a moment, acknowledging the point made and received. You were not, had never been, the only one to be able to give help. And though Mary had often needed it a great deal in the last years, she'd never remained static when needing aid, always using it to grow. You'd known that, you'd been there through most of it, and yet you were still a little surprised. Human nature, you supposed.
You took a deep breath, picked a point in the spiralling web of incomplete knowledge at random, and started talking. No matter how fragmentary it might seem now, you'd figure it out. Both of you, together.
Amanda Hawk Personal Diary, 17ht December 2128
There's something intensely beautiful about how a song becomes whole. I've known that ever since the first day my music tutor sat me down in front of a lyric sheet and had me try to put my voice to the melody. I don't remember where along the way I stopped reading words and began to make music, but that simple transition changed, and has continued to change, my life in ways I don't think I'll ever be able to truly understand.
The ability to raise my voice and make something beautiful has been of immense comfort through my life, even on my worst days, where I could only hum. They say that music is good for the soul. After so long spent trying to understand it, I think I'm one of the only people alive who can say that that's true. And yet it goes deeper than just comfort. I've been starting to realise this across the course of years, but it wasn't until I unlocked the contents of my Reliquary that I began to truly understand.
Music is bound by many things, but most of all it exists through timing. And as a rhythm creates a melody from disparate tones, the beat with which you choose to speak defines the meaning of your words. Any singer or public speaker understands that, and I've been both for a long time. I just never applied it beyond those things.
Speaking is more than the Words I imbue with Practice. How I choose to pronounce them shapes how they sculpt reality. It was how I was able to use Purify in the way I did, and my memory of that instant, in that moment, is of a song. I still don't know the words to it, but I can try to remember the melody, and hope to find the clarity it gave me in a moment of rage and power. With that, I think, I might be able to use what I've learnt since in earnest come our next battle with the Shiplords. If I am truly lucky, there might be time to teach it to others. Mir and Vega both would be far more comfortable in using that power if they could harmonise it with their own reality.
Harmonise.
I think I'm going to need to speak with Vega about this next year. And not just this.
What I found in that Reliquary helped me to understand more than just what was before me. It gave me context in another search, one for the truth of what the Circles are when looked at through the lens of Practice. And there, I have come a long way. The Circles are not just a social construct, that much is clear, but what more they are still remains uncertain. A creation of Practice, yes. But are they an Artefact? I don't know. If they are, if they possess the strength of such a creation, then the world I've helped build may be far more mine than I ever thought possible, or wished for.
And yet at the same time, if they are such a thing, or even just close enough, then come the next battle with the Shiplords I might be able to draw upon the power contained within them in ways that until now were simply fantasy. I still have yet to truly address that matter, and given how deeply I've delved into the personal side of the field, now may be a good moment to approach the communal. Before the Third Battle of Sol is upon us.
Mary has helped me far more than I thought she might, most powerfully through offering support that I'd never thought she would. Reversing the roles of childhood, and recent history, is not easy, but she's done it. Without that, without her, I don't think I'd ever have found this much. And I certainly wouldn't have found the final links that I've been searching for between the Word and the Web. There is a song there, perhaps the very same one that I heard during the Second Battle of Sol. Yes, just as in my memory, I cannot hear more than the tune to which words would be put.
That is a step forward, and a far larger one than most would give credit. To find the places to fit the words is no small feat. But the greater task still remains. As I seek to use Words to protect humanity, I still seek to understand what makes us who we are at a level deeper than thought. Our souls are bound by power, each holding fragments of a vast whole, yet only a fraction possess the ability to tap it.
Somehow I know that I can't mend that lack. Whatever the Dragons and those who flew them did, they did not have the strength to give us all that they wished to. Metaconcert showed Mary that truth. But we know that every human possesses some strength, and even if it is insufficient to affect the world around them on its own, it can do so when brought together with other common desire. And that brings me, once again, back to Purify.
I disagree with LiFE about many things, but this much was true. When I spoke that word, I did so not as Amanda Hawk, no matter how many see it. I did so as a vessel of humanity, at a confluence of power ten billion souls strong. Somehow, they felt what Lea felt in that moment, and their souls cried out as one. All I did was direct that strength. In my voice it was given purpose, and that focus was enough to wipe a vessel from the stars. If I had been more skilled...well, I guess it doesn't matter.
I did what needed to be done. And humanity helped me, even as it forced me to use what it had given me. Now, with another battle swiftly approaching, I think I've almost discovered how it did the former.
(+51 added to Lyrics of Fire, requires completion of Healers Fire to progress)
Of Words And Melody: 95 + 34 + 20 = 149 + 352 = 501/450
A Healers Fire: 82 + 34 = 116 + 110 = 226/250
Those Great Creations: 88 + 34 + 47 = 169/200