Update 7
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
It took a moment for the hall to process Quirrel's declaration. It seemed like complete nonsense, after all.
Professor McGonagall leading an attack on Hogwarts? With a cat army? It seemed as unlikely as Hagrid kicking a puppy, or Hermione failing a test.
But, when the hissing started and the cats started falling from the sky, the entire castle leapt into action.
I noticed for a moment, a blonde Hufflepuff waving their wand, and out the front of it came forth an army of Toucans. These Toucans blinded my sight for a moment, and I vaguely heard something that sounded like 'My father will hear about this' from the direction of Toucan Boy, but then someone kicked me in the back of the head, and I turned to face it.
"A traitor?" I asked the attack, a First Year girl with bushy hair, big teeth and glasses that reflected being someone infected with Potter Personality.
"That is not for you to know." The girl replied. "I challenge you to a duel, Professor Mortifer! Loser goes to the shadow realms, refusing the duel counts as losing."
I shrug, reaching into my robes. "Fine."
The girl reaches into a pocket, but I was faster, pulling out my wand and disarming her of her-
Cards?
The girl looks at her hand mournfully. "I should have been more specifi-"
The dark portal that appeared beneath her and dragged her down cut off the rest of her statement. I would have saved her, but then a cat jumped on my head and I had to deal with that.
Eventually, someone hit the cat on my face with an umbrella, knocking it off.
"Thanks." I said.
"No problem." Said the heavily accented voice that could only be Hagrid, before turning to the cat horde.
"Professor McGonagall!" Declared the half-giant. "How dare you put both students and animals at harm, when they could live together in harmony! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"
...Since when did Hagrid care about the moon? Was he a Crimson Moon worshipper?
Better keep an eye on him, someone summoning Berserker Arcuied would be a horrible thing.
First, though...
"Lockhart!" I called. The man appeared beneath me from underneath an invisibility cloak.
Ah, using stealth? What a wonderful ally.
"I need you to get students to safety." I replied.
"On it." Replied Lockhart. "By the way, has anyone seen any of the famous students? Harry Potter, for instance?"
"He was heading to bed last I saw of him." Replied a Gryffindor boy with orange hair, who was polishing his wand (Note to self, work on phrasing). "Something about this all being a dream that he wants to wake up from."
"Probably under the effect of a Dream Eater." Lockhart noted. "Keep an eye on him, Headmaster. If he starts talking about Kosm- Or was it Hypno?- Then we'll need to hold an exorcism."
"I'll keep that in mind." I replied. "Now get the students out of here."
"Hold on." The Gryffindor boy interrupted. "Need to go up to a girls bathroom somewhere, need to end this Tunnel Snake meme once and for all..."
Before I could ask, a very similar voice called out.
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROTHER!" It cried. The Gryffindor turned to the source, and gave his own scream.
"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!"
"You dare plot against the Tunnel Snake mascot?"
"The days of the Tunnel Snakes is over!"
"The Tunnel Snakes are our allies!"
"The Tunnel Snakes must be destroyed!"
"Your path leads only to ruin!"
"Only the Tunnel Snakes deal in absolutes!"
I look to Lockhart. "Do you understand any of this?"
"Not really, no." Replied the teacher.
The twin further to me spoke. "If you're not with me, then you're my enemy."
The one near me tilted his head, and pointed his wand.
A moment later, spells were flying. For a moment, I am in the line of fire, until someone on a broom picks me up and whisks me away.
"Thanks for the save." I said, looking at my saviour. "Who are you, anyway?"
"Oliver Wood." The boy replied. "Also, sorry about this."
Before I could ask what he was sorry about, I was suddenly slammed downwards. I had just enough time to notice I was outside before I was piledrived into a squad of cat, my bones breaking off and scattering to the wind.
My skull, separated from the rest of me, sighed. "I hate it when this happens."
"Do you, now?" Asks an old female voice, and I turn around just in time to see Professor McGonagall strutting towards me, wearing an eyepatch for some reason.
I immediately start slamming my teeth together, hoping to make a sound similar to clicking my fingers in the hope that a House Elf would appear.
"None of that now." McGonagall said, removing my jaw, taking my ability to talk in the process.
Satisfied that there would be no interruptions, the woman began her monologue.
"Do you now how many years I've worked at Hogwarts?" She asked. "I was younger than most teachers when Dumbledore offered me a job. He saw my talent and natural teaching ability, and offered me a place. I actually started in Defence Against The Dark Arts, if you would believe it. Survived, but I was trapped as a cat for a decade afterwards."
There seems like a story here that I would like to know.
"The point is." McGonagall continued. "That I know more of Hogwarts secrets than anyone alive, bar Dumbledore. He was even grooming me to take over Hogwarts one day."
Dumbledore trained his teachers to kill him? Or kill whoever killed him as a replacement, I suppose.
"But then Dumbledore vanished, and nobody knows where to." She continued. "And then, you come along. You cut my budget. You keep the House Elves too busy making food to clean the Transfiguration Classrooms. You let Severus put Tunnel Snake influence everywhere, when I have worked for years to keep them confined. The year hasn't even begun, and you have undone years of work. Did you not think I would be mad?"
I tried to ignore her. Harry had the right idea, now was a great time for a nap.
"So now, I will fight fire with fire. The Earth Cats will take over the school, purge the Tunnel Snake influence, and become the new conspiracy behind Hogwarts. And you'll have a nice new job as a paperweight."
...Why am I opposing an option that ends with me getting a job where I get to sleep all day? This seems like a wonderful thing. I should join her.
Of course, I couldn't say this without my jawbone, and she was still monologuing, so I just tuned her out until I felt some-
wait why was the school glowing blue
My captor seems confused by this, and quickly runs to the Great Hall.
Once we arrived, I noticed a giant glowing blue portal in the centre of the room, right above Professor Quirrel, who was pointing his wand upwards.
"What the devil is going on here?" Asked Severus Snape.
"Behold!" Declared the Sorting Hat. "The power of the crystal! Long has the mysterious be known to impact on magic, and once again, we see the consequences of doubting it's power! A simple spell, meant to turn back time, has instead torn it asunder!"
wait what
"Oh, Hogwarts is safe. The Founders knew of the danger, and the mystery of the school outweighs the mystery of time. But with the power of the crystal flowing through the world like flesh blood, the strength of magic shall once more teach the unsuspecting the consequences of doubting it's whimsical ability..."
Oh god, this was some sort of time portal. Hopefully, people don't use it to fuck with time or anything. This is already enough of a headache...
Professor McGonagall leading an attack on Hogwarts? With a cat army? It seemed as unlikely as Hagrid kicking a puppy, or Hermione failing a test.
But, when the hissing started and the cats started falling from the sky, the entire castle leapt into action.
I noticed for a moment, a blonde Hufflepuff waving their wand, and out the front of it came forth an army of Toucans. These Toucans blinded my sight for a moment, and I vaguely heard something that sounded like 'My father will hear about this' from the direction of Toucan Boy, but then someone kicked me in the back of the head, and I turned to face it.
"A traitor?" I asked the attack, a First Year girl with bushy hair, big teeth and glasses that reflected being someone infected with Potter Personality.
"That is not for you to know." The girl replied. "I challenge you to a duel, Professor Mortifer! Loser goes to the shadow realms, refusing the duel counts as losing."
I shrug, reaching into my robes. "Fine."
The girl reaches into a pocket, but I was faster, pulling out my wand and disarming her of her-
Cards?
The girl looks at her hand mournfully. "I should have been more specifi-"
The dark portal that appeared beneath her and dragged her down cut off the rest of her statement. I would have saved her, but then a cat jumped on my head and I had to deal with that.
Eventually, someone hit the cat on my face with an umbrella, knocking it off.
"Thanks." I said.
"No problem." Said the heavily accented voice that could only be Hagrid, before turning to the cat horde.
"Professor McGonagall!" Declared the half-giant. "How dare you put both students and animals at harm, when they could live together in harmony! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"
...Since when did Hagrid care about the moon? Was he a Crimson Moon worshipper?
Better keep an eye on him, someone summoning Berserker Arcuied would be a horrible thing.
First, though...
"Lockhart!" I called. The man appeared beneath me from underneath an invisibility cloak.
Ah, using stealth? What a wonderful ally.
"I need you to get students to safety." I replied.
"On it." Replied Lockhart. "By the way, has anyone seen any of the famous students? Harry Potter, for instance?"
"He was heading to bed last I saw of him." Replied a Gryffindor boy with orange hair, who was polishing his wand (Note to self, work on phrasing). "Something about this all being a dream that he wants to wake up from."
"Probably under the effect of a Dream Eater." Lockhart noted. "Keep an eye on him, Headmaster. If he starts talking about Kosm- Or was it Hypno?- Then we'll need to hold an exorcism."
"I'll keep that in mind." I replied. "Now get the students out of here."
"Hold on." The Gryffindor boy interrupted. "Need to go up to a girls bathroom somewhere, need to end this Tunnel Snake meme once and for all..."
Before I could ask, a very similar voice called out.
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROTHER!" It cried. The Gryffindor turned to the source, and gave his own scream.
"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!"
"You dare plot against the Tunnel Snake mascot?"
"The days of the Tunnel Snakes is over!"
"The Tunnel Snakes are our allies!"
"The Tunnel Snakes must be destroyed!"
"Your path leads only to ruin!"
"Only the Tunnel Snakes deal in absolutes!"
I look to Lockhart. "Do you understand any of this?"
"Not really, no." Replied the teacher.
The twin further to me spoke. "If you're not with me, then you're my enemy."
The one near me tilted his head, and pointed his wand.
A moment later, spells were flying. For a moment, I am in the line of fire, until someone on a broom picks me up and whisks me away.
"Thanks for the save." I said, looking at my saviour. "Who are you, anyway?"
"Oliver Wood." The boy replied. "Also, sorry about this."
Before I could ask what he was sorry about, I was suddenly slammed downwards. I had just enough time to notice I was outside before I was piledrived into a squad of cat, my bones breaking off and scattering to the wind.
My skull, separated from the rest of me, sighed. "I hate it when this happens."
"Do you, now?" Asks an old female voice, and I turn around just in time to see Professor McGonagall strutting towards me, wearing an eyepatch for some reason.
I immediately start slamming my teeth together, hoping to make a sound similar to clicking my fingers in the hope that a House Elf would appear.
"None of that now." McGonagall said, removing my jaw, taking my ability to talk in the process.
Satisfied that there would be no interruptions, the woman began her monologue.
"Do you now how many years I've worked at Hogwarts?" She asked. "I was younger than most teachers when Dumbledore offered me a job. He saw my talent and natural teaching ability, and offered me a place. I actually started in Defence Against The Dark Arts, if you would believe it. Survived, but I was trapped as a cat for a decade afterwards."
There seems like a story here that I would like to know.
"The point is." McGonagall continued. "That I know more of Hogwarts secrets than anyone alive, bar Dumbledore. He was even grooming me to take over Hogwarts one day."
Dumbledore trained his teachers to kill him? Or kill whoever killed him as a replacement, I suppose.
"But then Dumbledore vanished, and nobody knows where to." She continued. "And then, you come along. You cut my budget. You keep the House Elves too busy making food to clean the Transfiguration Classrooms. You let Severus put Tunnel Snake influence everywhere, when I have worked for years to keep them confined. The year hasn't even begun, and you have undone years of work. Did you not think I would be mad?"
I tried to ignore her. Harry had the right idea, now was a great time for a nap.
"So now, I will fight fire with fire. The Earth Cats will take over the school, purge the Tunnel Snake influence, and become the new conspiracy behind Hogwarts. And you'll have a nice new job as a paperweight."
...Why am I opposing an option that ends with me getting a job where I get to sleep all day? This seems like a wonderful thing. I should join her.
Of course, I couldn't say this without my jawbone, and she was still monologuing, so I just tuned her out until I felt some-
wait why was the school glowing blue
My captor seems confused by this, and quickly runs to the Great Hall.
Once we arrived, I noticed a giant glowing blue portal in the centre of the room, right above Professor Quirrel, who was pointing his wand upwards.
"What the devil is going on here?" Asked Severus Snape.
"Behold!" Declared the Sorting Hat. "The power of the crystal! Long has the mysterious be known to impact on magic, and once again, we see the consequences of doubting it's power! A simple spell, meant to turn back time, has instead torn it asunder!"
wait what
"Oh, Hogwarts is safe. The Founders knew of the danger, and the mystery of the school outweighs the mystery of time. But with the power of the crystal flowing through the world like flesh blood, the strength of magic shall once more teach the unsuspecting the consequences of doubting it's whimsical ability..."
Oh god, this was some sort of time portal. Hopefully, people don't use it to fuck with time or anything. This is already enough of a headache...
~~~~~
You may now roll and vote with you to use this as a chance to fuck with time.
THE DOCTOR LIVES!
