Update 5
Mortifer
Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.
- Location
- Under a rock.
"I can't believe this!" McGonagall demanded. "Transfiguration barely has any funding as it is, and you're cutting it further?"
"I'm extremely sorry." I apologise. "But Lockhart knows best, and if he thinks he needs more funding for textbooks..."
"For his autobiography, you mean." The cat lady replied. "Why don't you cut Snape's funding?"
"He needs it."
"Fifteen billion Galleons?"
I nod.
Snaps, who was totally in the room the entire time, spoke up. "Maintaining the Tunnel Snake Interdimensional Floo Relay is expensive."
"Tunnel Snakes?" McGonagall asked.
"I misspoke." Snape's replied. "What I meant to say was, Project Excalvitine requires a lot of funding."
"You really need to tell me what this conspiracy is one of these days." McGonagall replied, only for Snape to go mysteriously deaf.
"And that's why I can't cut his funding." I finished. "I'll probably get assassinated and replaced by, I dunno, a Basilisk in a fancy hat."
"In fairness." Snape interrupted. "A Basilisk would probably be better in this role than you."
"Agreed." I replied.
McGonagall turned away, deep in thought. "So, you only respect force, huh..."
And with that, she walked out.
"Did I make a decision I'm going to regret later, Snape?" I asked.
He looked at me for a moment. "...No. Not at all."
"Thanks, I was worried for a moment there!" I chirp. "Now, is there anything I need to do today?"
"The Sorting Ceremony." Snape replied.
I blinked. "First day of the year already? Huh. Time flies when you're having fun."
"You hibernated until two days ago and spent the rest of the time binge eating."
"That's what I said." I replied. "Now, House Elf named after one of the Seven Dwarves! Teleport me to where I need to be!"
And in a flash, I was before a few hundred students.
Huh, so this is who I was teaching.
...How did Snape beat me here? And where was McGonagall?
Ah well, it looked like I had a speech to give.
"Welcome, one and all, to Hogwarts!" I declare. "I am the new Headmaster, Professor Mortifer. No, I am not an unholy monstrosity as far as I am aware. Please save all questions for after the sorting. For now, let that begin!"
I tapped the table, and the Sorting Hat appeared on a stool before the group. Then, on it's own, it shouted out.
"Abbot, Hannah!" It called, and I decided to sit down and see what had happened in the news in recent times.
...Huh. The Minister for Magic had apparently been caught trying to create a Horcrux. Apparently, nobody knew where he was, or who the skeleton in his office belonged to.
Wow, didn't expect that. I wonder who was gonna replace Fudge?
"Boot, Terry!"
Hagrid had apparently started a clothing line, and- Wow, those robes looked great, I should get some off him, maybe saw it's his rent...
"Longbottom, Neville!"
A flinch at the name, then quickly burry myself in my books again.
...Lucius Malfoy had abandoned all subtlety, and declared his loyalty to The Fuhrer? Huh. Wonder where he ran off to.
"Potter, Harry!"
In other news, Yoflam Suicul had become the new Minister of Magic. Cool.
"Potter, Harry!"
Wait, didn't he just g-
I look up, and notice for the first time that, like, half the first years are wearing Harry Potter style glasses. At the mention of the name, a girl with brown hair ran up to the Sorting Hat, and got sent into Ravenclaw. A quick glance around confirms the presence of what looked like Goyle wearing glasses in Slytherin.
"...Potter, Harry?" The sorting hat went on, as a blond boy stood up. Soon enough, he was sorting into Hufflepuff, and at this point, the Sorting Hat had had enough.
"You know what, enough of this, the rest of you just go join Gryffindor, and I'll get on with this."
With that, the small army of Potter's stood up and went to join the Gryffindor table.
...Okay, what the fuck? Why was there a million people responding to the name Harry Potter?
"Page Six." Severus whispers into my ear, and I flip through the pages to get there.
...Huh. Accidental Magic gone wrong, now there were people all over Britain identifying as Harry Potter. Apparently, the spell broke on some people after a few days, while others were left as Harry for an indefinite amount of time.
...I'm not even mad, that's actually kind of impressive.
It didn't take long after that for the Sorting to finish, and I let people have their feast before I spoke.
As I reached for my nachos, Lockhart tapped my shoulder.
"Headmaster?" He began. "We need to talk."
"Can it wait?" I asked.
"Not really." Said the new DADA Master. "It's a matter of life and death for all the young ones."
I sigh. "Fine. Just be sure to have this done by the time I need to give my speech, okay?"
"Understood." Said Gilderoy, before the pet House Elf teleported us into his office.
Inside the office was a blonde girl of some sort. I look at her, then at Lockhart.
"Am I being made an accomplice to something here?" I asked.
"Kidnapping!" The girl snapped back. Lockhart ignored them.
"I'm afraid." Lockhart began. "That a Holy Grail War has begun."
Wait what.
"Already, I have summoned Saber here-"
"I don't know how to use a sword!"
"-One miss King Arthur Pendragon."
You know, now that he mentions it, I can see the resemblance.
"Why is she claiming to be kidnapped?" I asked.
"Information Erasure." Lockhart replied.
"Makes sense." I agreed.
Saber blinked. "No, don't tell me you actually believe him!"
"So, anything she says has nothing to do with what I hear?"
"Pretty much." Lockhart agrees. "But I need your permission to vet the students to ensure there are no Masters amongst them."
"HEY! YOU! LISTEN!"
I ignored Saber's contorted statement. "Of course, Gilderoy, you may."
If this is a fucking Nasu crossover and there's a Grail War I don't want someone summoning Solomon in Hogwarts.
...Maybe I should summon a Servant of my own.
"Anyway, it's almost speech time." I note. "Shall we go back?"
The girl growled. "Hey! When I get out of these handcuffs, I'm going to beat the crap out of all of you, weird skeleton magic or no weird skeleton magic!"
Lockhart nods, and House Elf number whatever teleports us back.
Standing up, I tap my glass a few times.
It's nice to see the students paying so much attention to me. Nice to know nothing will happen while I give my speech.
"I'm extremely sorry." I apologise. "But Lockhart knows best, and if he thinks he needs more funding for textbooks..."
"For his autobiography, you mean." The cat lady replied. "Why don't you cut Snape's funding?"
"He needs it."
"Fifteen billion Galleons?"
I nod.
Snaps, who was totally in the room the entire time, spoke up. "Maintaining the Tunnel Snake Interdimensional Floo Relay is expensive."
"Tunnel Snakes?" McGonagall asked.
"I misspoke." Snape's replied. "What I meant to say was, Project Excalvitine requires a lot of funding."
"You really need to tell me what this conspiracy is one of these days." McGonagall replied, only for Snape to go mysteriously deaf.
"And that's why I can't cut his funding." I finished. "I'll probably get assassinated and replaced by, I dunno, a Basilisk in a fancy hat."
"In fairness." Snape interrupted. "A Basilisk would probably be better in this role than you."
"Agreed." I replied.
McGonagall turned away, deep in thought. "So, you only respect force, huh..."
And with that, she walked out.
"Did I make a decision I'm going to regret later, Snape?" I asked.
He looked at me for a moment. "...No. Not at all."
"Thanks, I was worried for a moment there!" I chirp. "Now, is there anything I need to do today?"
"The Sorting Ceremony." Snape replied.
I blinked. "First day of the year already? Huh. Time flies when you're having fun."
"You hibernated until two days ago and spent the rest of the time binge eating."
"That's what I said." I replied. "Now, House Elf named after one of the Seven Dwarves! Teleport me to where I need to be!"
And in a flash, I was before a few hundred students.
Huh, so this is who I was teaching.
...How did Snape beat me here? And where was McGonagall?
Ah well, it looked like I had a speech to give.
"Welcome, one and all, to Hogwarts!" I declare. "I am the new Headmaster, Professor Mortifer. No, I am not an unholy monstrosity as far as I am aware. Please save all questions for after the sorting. For now, let that begin!"
I tapped the table, and the Sorting Hat appeared on a stool before the group. Then, on it's own, it shouted out.
"Abbot, Hannah!" It called, and I decided to sit down and see what had happened in the news in recent times.
...Huh. The Minister for Magic had apparently been caught trying to create a Horcrux. Apparently, nobody knew where he was, or who the skeleton in his office belonged to.
Wow, didn't expect that. I wonder who was gonna replace Fudge?
"Boot, Terry!"
Hagrid had apparently started a clothing line, and- Wow, those robes looked great, I should get some off him, maybe saw it's his rent...
"Longbottom, Neville!"
A flinch at the name, then quickly burry myself in my books again.
...Lucius Malfoy had abandoned all subtlety, and declared his loyalty to The Fuhrer? Huh. Wonder where he ran off to.
"Potter, Harry!"
In other news, Yoflam Suicul had become the new Minister of Magic. Cool.
"Potter, Harry!"
Wait, didn't he just g-
I look up, and notice for the first time that, like, half the first years are wearing Harry Potter style glasses. At the mention of the name, a girl with brown hair ran up to the Sorting Hat, and got sent into Ravenclaw. A quick glance around confirms the presence of what looked like Goyle wearing glasses in Slytherin.
"...Potter, Harry?" The sorting hat went on, as a blond boy stood up. Soon enough, he was sorting into Hufflepuff, and at this point, the Sorting Hat had had enough.
"You know what, enough of this, the rest of you just go join Gryffindor, and I'll get on with this."
With that, the small army of Potter's stood up and went to join the Gryffindor table.
...Okay, what the fuck? Why was there a million people responding to the name Harry Potter?
"Page Six." Severus whispers into my ear, and I flip through the pages to get there.
...Huh. Accidental Magic gone wrong, now there were people all over Britain identifying as Harry Potter. Apparently, the spell broke on some people after a few days, while others were left as Harry for an indefinite amount of time.
...I'm not even mad, that's actually kind of impressive.
It didn't take long after that for the Sorting to finish, and I let people have their feast before I spoke.
As I reached for my nachos, Lockhart tapped my shoulder.
"Headmaster?" He began. "We need to talk."
"Can it wait?" I asked.
"Not really." Said the new DADA Master. "It's a matter of life and death for all the young ones."
I sigh. "Fine. Just be sure to have this done by the time I need to give my speech, okay?"
"Understood." Said Gilderoy, before the pet House Elf teleported us into his office.
Inside the office was a blonde girl of some sort. I look at her, then at Lockhart.
"Am I being made an accomplice to something here?" I asked.
"Kidnapping!" The girl snapped back. Lockhart ignored them.
"I'm afraid." Lockhart began. "That a Holy Grail War has begun."
Wait what.
"Already, I have summoned Saber here-"
"I don't know how to use a sword!"
"-One miss King Arthur Pendragon."
You know, now that he mentions it, I can see the resemblance.
"Why is she claiming to be kidnapped?" I asked.
"Information Erasure." Lockhart replied.
"Makes sense." I agreed.
Saber blinked. "No, don't tell me you actually believe him!"
"So, anything she says has nothing to do with what I hear?"
"Pretty much." Lockhart agrees. "But I need your permission to vet the students to ensure there are no Masters amongst them."
"HEY! YOU! LISTEN!"
I ignored Saber's contorted statement. "Of course, Gilderoy, you may."
If this is a fucking Nasu crossover and there's a Grail War I don't want someone summoning Solomon in Hogwarts.
...Maybe I should summon a Servant of my own.
"Anyway, it's almost speech time." I note. "Shall we go back?"
The girl growled. "Hey! When I get out of these handcuffs, I'm going to beat the crap out of all of you, weird skeleton magic or no weird skeleton magic!"
Lockhart nods, and House Elf number whatever teleports us back.
Standing up, I tap my glass a few times.
It's nice to see the students paying so much attention to me. Nice to know nothing will happen while I give my speech.
~~~~~
You may roll again, to determine what happens during the speech.
.
