I'm sure I'll figure something out.
Overlady: Attack of the Minions (Thread II)
- Thread starter EarthScorpion
- Start date
- Fantasy
I hear it's weak against stone tables...
The17thImmortal
Seeker of Sanity
Sadly, the table broke, and the lion Rules-Lawyered itself back to life through that fact.
So it's back to square one.
Hurk! So, uh, howabout them Minions, eh? Whatever will those zany little scamps do next?
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The bit where you all stop the derail and get back on topic, I suspect.
And by "suspect" I mean "know".
- Location
- in the trash
Goddamnit Cattleya how do you keep doing this
You know, Louise, you probably don't need to worry too much about that, as it seems like Cattleya was the one who inherited those proclivities.
Oh god how did I not catch that line in any of my like, 3 readings of the chapter. I suppose we can at least compliment Catt on moving on up from merely sleeping with/feeding on the help. Which is pretty average and normal even for those not born to the Vallieres.
LoserThree
Finds writing poorly easy
- Location
- Greater Seattle Area
- Pronouns
- he/him
If you're good at something, never do it for free.
Jonen C
F.M.D.G.
- Location
- Lincopense, Ostrogothia, Suecia
Heh. Look at them yoyos, that's the way you do it, ham it up to nobles on the journo mags. That ain't working, that's the way you do it - money for nothing and get chicks for free.
...
Of course, should Louise hear that kind of song she will sic Max and a legal rep on them for defamation and crimes against verse - Louise is certainly risking more than blisters on her fingers!
Didn't Catt do it because it was mutually beneficial for both the noblelady and Louise? And also because said noble let her in?
Part 10-2
"See, I's know'n that them'll's sayin' it were Germanian ban'it-lords that blew up the watchtower on th'border. They's sayin' that they had a dragon! Ha! I laughs at that! No dragon could do that! Dragonbreath can't melt stone! No, I's telling you that it was elves with one of their darn magical bombs! Tricksy elves are workin' with the Gallians to start a war with Germania so the elvsies can come and dig up the bodies in graveyards and burn 'em for fuel! That's how elves keep warm in winter, y'know! Despoilin' our corpses! That's why I always wear a turnip slice 'round my neck, so the elves don't get me!"
– Ol' Phil, uneducated horse herder
The grand clock ticked away the seconds, its scythe-shaped pendulum cutting through the air. Upon the table, black-bound tomes of wicked magic were scattered around. There was a steel tray in the centre, upon which were secured two rats. One was dead, eviscerated with a sacrificial knife and the other was alive. Leaning over them was the crown princess of Tristain, holding aforementioned blood-wetted sacrificial knife.
"… call upon your ceaseless sorrow, oh rat! Rise up! Live! Live!" Henrietta chanted. She gestured with the knife. "Let this blood-feast be your offering and let the crimson tide wash away the sorrows of the…" she turned the page, "… the profaned grave! Rise! Rise! Rise!"
Black and pale blue light twirled in the palm of her free hand. With the other, she plunged the knife into the chest of the living rat. Something came shrieking out of its mouth, and was sucked into the ball of light, which turned a dark, bloody red. And then she pressed it against the eviscerated remains of the original dead rat.
"Rise up!" she commanded. "Come! Rat! Shed the chains of death and live!"
The deceased rat twitched a little bit. And then it stopped moving entirely. She waited expectantly for a while, but there were no other signs of life.
"Drat," Henrietta said sadly. No luck. It wasn't very fair. All she was trying to do was to reach between the boundaries of life and death and bring back a rat. It just wasn't working! The best she managed to get was barely more than you'd get if you shot lightning at a corpse, and after extensive testing the Church had declared that this was not a working means of unholy resurrection. And that it was therefore not a sin to shoot thunderbolts at dead bodies.
Slumping down, Henrietta wiped specks of blood off her hands, dropping her bloodied knife onto the tray. She was useless. She… she obviously didn't love Prince Cearl enough if she couldn't even bring a rat back! Because if she couldn't bring a rat back, she couldn't bring him back and she'd be forever left with this aching hole in her heart! No other man could fill it. She knew this in the depths of her soul. She would be forever alone, deprived of the one she loved by the cruelty of usurpers.
She wondered if Louise would be better at this. She doubted it. Surprisingly, despite the many and wicked things her family had got up to necromancy was one of the sins they committed less frequently. From what she had heard, the de la Vallière family seldom made good necromancers; barring of course the ones who were already among the living dead who were paragons of the art. It was joked that it was because they disliked shedding their own blood. The blood of others, yes. They shed that gleefully and in large amounts. But they didn't like having to bleed themselves. The royal family was historically better at it. It was the same talent for water magic that ran in their veins, some said. Others said that the hallowed dead were laid down in the soil of Tristan, and so would always obey their liege-lords.
So she'd just have to try again. Try again and again and again, until she got it right. No matter how many rats she had to gut. And when she had this down just pat, it would be so very fitting that the ones who murdered her love would be the ones who gave their lives to bring him back!
Yes…
"Princess Henrietta? Are you in here?" It was Louise-Françoise, wearing what was to Henrietta's eyes an incredibly staid and conservative outfit. It barely acknowledged her position as a wicked overlady by being a black gown over a deep red petticoat. She really had to work with Jessica to get Louise-Françoise to expand her vision and stop dressing like an old woman, Henrietta considered. It just wasn't fitting for a dark and malevolent force of Evil to be so... so prudish.
"I'm here," she replied, quickly covering up the tray and the bloodied contents with a cloth and sliding it under the table.
"What are you doing? Light a few more candles, at least."
"Just a little reading." Henrietta forced out a laugh. "I suppose I must not have noticed the other candles burning down."
"… what are you reading?" Louise asked suspiciously. "I mean, if you don't mind telling."
"I'm trying to find anything useful about the dark angels of Athe. I haven't had much success."
"Ah." Louise shook her head. "Yes, I haven't had much luck in my existing library. I ordered some new books in and I'll let you look at them once I'm finished."
"That would be wonderful, Louise-Françoise! So, what brings you here?"
Louise sniffed. "I smell blood."
"Cattleya was in here recently."
"Oh. I really need to talk to her about sticking to her diet." Louise sat down on the other side of the table, got up again and found a cushion to sit on, and then sat down again. "We need to have a talk."
"We do? For what reason? I can't think of anything in particular that we need to talk about for any reason whatsoever. Things are just fine," Henrietta said quickly, slightly shriller and higher-pitched than she had perhaps intended.
Louise stared flatly at her. "You don't know what I'm trying to talk to you about because we haven't talked about it yet," she said, her voice slightly tart.
"Oh. Right. Well, that is quite fine," Henrietta said, trying not to sound too relieved. She rose, massaging her brow in a slightly exaggerated manner. "I have a headache from staring at these books in poor lighting. This way." Dragging Louise through, they took up seats in a better-lit and not-at-all-near-any-sacrificed-rodents reading room. "Now, go on, my dear friend. Whatever is the matter?"
The overlady settled her skirts, and clasped her pale hands together. "Now, you understand that it will be no small feat to cast down Françoise Athénaïs de Mortemart. To that end, I plan to-"
"We could just kill her," Henrietta suggested. "Get someone to stab her in the back. That would, I believe, manage it quite adequately."
"I'm not sure that would work, with that dark angel in her," Louise reluctantly confessed. "Montespan is a highly skilled mistress of wards, and with that wicked spirit throwing its power behind her magic… well, I managed to break them, but it took everything I had. And that was before the dark angel truly unleashed its power."
"Yes, but what if we paid someone to slip into her bedroom and stick a poniard in her ear while she sleeps?" Henrietta frowned. "Or several poniards in all her vital organs. And perhaps we should poison them just in case."
Louise stared at her. "We'll save that as a fallback plan," she said after an uncomfortable pause. "I still don't think it would work with a dark angel possessing her. Regardless!"
"I'm sorry. I'll hush."
"Thank you." A lock of pink hair fell in front of Louise's face, and she huffed it out of the way. "Now, as it stands, I don't think I can defeat her on my own. She's too powerful. That means I need to get that hell-spawn out of the way. And that means I need Athe out of the way. He's a dark god."
"It is quite a conundrum."
"I know! However, I have a plan. I will need the assistance of Emperor Lee."
"Oh my! How scandalous!" Henrietta said, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "A political marriage! To one of the most eligible bachelors in the world!"
"I'm not going to marry him!" Louise blurted out. "I mean I wouldn't protest it, but… I would of course have a problem with it, but…"
Henrietta laughed, her voice chiming. "Louise Françoise, you are adorable when you blush!" For some reason, this just deepened the blush. "I really must apologise for that. But are you courting him?"
Louise squirmed under her gaze. "Well… I don't know," she admitted, her face as pink as her hair. "I've only met him a few times! But… he is handsome and we did get on and…"
"He is the tyrant of the vast lands of Cathay to the East, richest of all nations," Henrietta said understandingly.
"Yes. That is true," Louise said, blushing. She coughed nervously. "But it's not about marriage! It's… it's… in essence, the previous winner of the Best Newcomer at the Cabal Awards gets a public platform for the next year. He won – I was runner up. So if he can't make it for whatever reason, I get his place."
"Ah." Henrietta nodded. That made sense. "So you wish him to step aside for you."
"Precisely. But of course, he won't do it out of the goodness of his heart. Because there is none. Because he's evil."
Henrietta curled a lock of her around her finger. "Well, are we sure about that?" she asked reasonably. "What if he's actually just pretending to be evil to get some jolly righteous revenge on some cad who killed his beloved?"
Louise opened her mouth. Louise closed her mouth. "You haven't talked to him," she managed eventually. "Trust me. He's not doing it for such, ahem, 'objectively suboptimal' reasons."
"I don't follow."
"If you'd spent time around him, you'd understand."
"Well, if you say so," Henrietta said dubiously.
Bringing her hands together, Louise moved into the main thrust of her argument. "So, yes! To this end, I have had Gnarl send a very proper formal letter requesting that we meet up for a brief business proposition in the Abyss. He has accepted my proposition, and so I will be meeting for him at a place that Jessica recommended to me. Apparently they serve fine refreshments when people meet up there."
"Well, that sounds eminently sensible," Henrietta said approvingly. "And if you're lucky, he might be looking to court you too!"
The overlady pinkened again. "D-do you think he'd be that forward?" she asked nervously, hands going to her cheeks.
"Well, he is a wicked tyrant."
"I… I have already decided to tell him that this meeting is for business, and… and if he wishes to court me, then I expect a rather finer repast!" Louise blurted out.
"Now that's the proper attitude! If he wants your hand in marriage, you must make him work for it! No doubt true love will prevail, if it is true love. And if it isn't… well, I'm not really sure what happens then." Henrietta frowned. "I don't really have any experience with courtship of people who are not handsome princes who are also your true love. He's a quite handsome emperor, if that helps?"
"Perhaps," Louise said. Henrietta got the distinct impression she was trying to change the topic. Louise leant back, taking a deep breath and trying to settle herself. Henrietta was not sure whether to point out that her eyes were smouldering like pinkish-yellow embers. "But if this works, I am probably going to have to spend at least a month in the Mystic East. Maybe more. I need to be back before midwinter, but I need to get this done. So I'm going to be taking a lot of minions with me on the windship and heading to a lesser tower that I found on the maps, to get it repaired as a temporary base of operations there. Until I restore that, I'll be out of contact – and even then, it will strain the tower to overuse it and given that the tower heart is still damaged…"
"Yes." Henrietta nodded solidly. "No one wants large magical explosions."
"Well, not this kind," Louise agreed. "And so I'll need someone to hold down the home front. As I see it, even though you're technically my prisoner, you're the best suited person I have to just… just keep things running, do you understand?"
Henrietta leaned forwards. This was interesting. Very interesting. It was wonderful that her friend trusted her this much! And she could use this chance! "I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to put Gnarl or Jessica in charge," she said, considering the advantages.
"Quite so. And Cattleya is…"
"A sweet natured and kind girl who is also a blood-drinking predator," Henrietta said understandingly.
"I was just going to say 'coming with me'," Louise said defensively. "Admittedly, yes, I wouldn't leave her in charge if I wasn't taking her, but since I plan to it doesn't matter that she's not exactly the sharpest fang in the mouth."
Henrietta giggled at that. "So mean! True, but mean."
"Yes." Louise tapped her fingers on the table in front of her. "So you'll just need to… you know, keep things running. Lady Magdalene is my spymistress so make sure to listen to her and her reports on Tristainain society, and… well, just do what you think is best if the Council try anything major. And make sure," she added, balling her fists, "that that hateful little witch Montespan doesn't kill my big sister. She's mean, but no one gets to do that! Do you understand me?"
The princess leaned back. Louise was shouting. "Crystal clear," she said quickly.
"Then that's all good." Louise pursed her lips. "Though… I do have another favour to ask."
"Whatever you want!"
"I… um. Need some help with practicing formal dinners with members of royalty. Cathayan royalty, if you get my drift."
Rising to her feet, Henrietta wrapped her friend up in a hug. "Of course! I know all about this kind of etiquette! I am a princess! I am graceful and gentle and-"
"Too tight!" Louise managed to gasp.
"Sorry, what?"
"Too tight!"
Henrietta released the hug somewhat, and Louise gratefully gasped for breath, red in the face. "Well… sometimes I don't know my own strength! But by the time we are done, oh Louise Françoise, I would not be surprised if he fell in love with you at first sight!" She looked the overlady up and down. "Though we may need a new dress. I'm sure something cut lower in the che-"
"I'm wearing my armour and that's that."
Down in the malodorous depths of the minion dwellings, four older minions looked at a desolate and sad pile of loot. Despite everything, it had not yet been re-looted by another minion, and the younger reds who had tried to purloin it had suffered compound fractures and temporary mortality.
"Igni was a bad minion," Maggat said, shaking his head while idly bashing the latest attempted thief into a wall. "Being not-believed-in to double death are a softy way to go."
"It shouldn't have been like this," Maxy agreed. "He should just have had his head cut off or been exploded or been crushed by horsies or shot with muskets or drowned or flattened by rocks or run over by a roller or eaten by a manticore or… or something he could've got better from!"
"It are always a pain when there are no body to make them not double-dead," Scyl said sadly. "It are cheating. Even when they is blown into itty bitty bits, there are normally some bits of body."
Fettid played the harmonica, producing what would probably have been a melancholy tune if it had not sounded like she was torturing a sack full of kittens.
There was a respectful moment of sil-
"So we split the loot four way?" Maxy said.
"Oh, yeah, that are the worst way," Maggat agreed, digging into the loot. "Now, we is needing another red."
"They has gots to have a name and something what is making them mem-or-able," Scyl said dreamily. "That are what are making us stand out and why we is the worst minions."
"Is you sure?" Fettid said dubiously. "I think it are because we is dead killy."
"Oh yeah. That is what are probably helping us too."
"Shut it," Maggat growled. "I has got a plan for who are going to take Igni's place." He added his share of Igni's loot to his backpack. "Come with me."
It was sweltering hot in the portion of the tower infested by the reds. Since Jessica had set up forging equipment, the creatures had moved into the area under the smelter. They didn't appreciate other minion breeds coming here. Countless yellow eyes locked themselves on Maggat and co.
One of the reds strummed a looted lute, picking out individual notes. "We no like your sort around here, boys," it cackled, from a high place. "You better go, or we is having a barbie-queue."
Maxy drew his own instrument, plucking out his own note. "Is it is 'cause I is brown?" he asked.
"Yeah. It is. You ain't welcome here," the red countered, beginning its own counter melody. "Why don't you go back to where you came from?"
"We was here before you," Scyl pointed out, and was ignored.
Maxy narrowed his eyes. "I think you is wanting a duel," he said, matching the new tune. "Is you willing to really go up against me?"
"Maybe I is, boy. Maybe I is wanting a d-urk!"
Fettid withdrew the knife from his back. "Dibs on the duel!" she announced brightly, kicking the corpse off its high place having taken everything of value and stuffed it into her purse. "Oh! I win! Let's play again! Scyl! Bring him back!"
Putting that out of mind, Maggat scanned the room. The sign of red banners and the sound of a rousing song which seemed to largely consist of failed attempts to pronounce the word 'Solidarity' led him to what he was looking for. Maxy backing him up, he bullied his way through the sweltering room.
"Oi!" Maggat shouted. "Char! Show your stupid face!"
The crowd parted. "It is your face what is stupid!" Char said, from his position atop a pipe where he was posing. "You no is seeing that the overlords oppress us and use us as slaves and cannon fodder. But the Redvolution will free us. Mostly the reds! But you lot can be free too."
"What is you, stupid?" Maggat retorted. "Of course we is slaves and cannon fodder. That are what we was made to be."
"Working together minions can defeat the boar schwah zee! It are class traitors like you, Maggat, who is stopping us!"
"Hey, Maxy," Maggat whispered out of the side of his mouth. "What are a class traitor?"
Maxy shrugged. "Dunno."
"Is I one?"
"Nah," Maxy said loyally. "You has no class, so you cannot be a class traitor."
That made perfect sense, Maggat had to agree. "We is needing a new red for the lot of minions what boss stuff around because the overlady tells us to. And you kept on talkin' back to me even though we killed you a bunch of times."
"Most minions what get killed that much just give up 'cause they is too bored," Scyl said, coming up behind the other two.
"Yeah! That are a lot of stubbornness to do that. So you is bad for this."
Char glared. "What? You want me to give up the Redvolution? Never!"
"I'll just kill you a bunch if you don't," Maggat pointed out.
"The Minion is here to sigh-lance me!" Char shouted. "But I no are gonna be made quiet! The minions united cannot be defeated!"
"Wrong again!" Fettid exclaimed gleefully, appearing from behind him with her knives.
"I no are knowing why he says that," Maxy said sadly over the sound of the screaming, shaking his head. "It are just asking for trouble."
"Perhaps he has a thing for having his feeties cut off," Scyl suggested.
"That are a very strange fetish," Maxy said, as the mutilated Char fell down from his pipe.
"Feet-ish," Scyl corrected.
Maggat hefted his club. "Fettid, give him back his footsies and let Scyl stick them back on," he ordered.
Fettid smiled innocently. "Right you are, boss," she said, tossing them to the blue who got to work.
"You can take my life but you cannot take my freedom!" Char declared.
"You said that last time. Then we killed you a bunch and chained you up," Scyl said. "Oops. He bled out. Gotta bring him back from the dead place again. Maybe we should take away his tick-it."
"Boss, boss, boss," Maxy said effusively while they waited for Char to be resurrected. "You no is doing it proper. Let me do this talky bit. See, see," Maxy said, wrapping an arm around Char's shoulders and pulling him off the ground, "you no is thinking with a head what is clear. Rebelling no are going to work, because then we just smash your head in."
"Like we do a lot," Scyl said brightly.
"Yeah. That. Like we do if you do that again. You has to be cunning and tricksy and sneaky-like. But not like a green."
"Aww," said Fettid, pouting.
"Because you no is able to turn invisible and hide like a sneaky green."
"… that are a bad point," Fettid admitted.
"So you is going to be all thinky and work inside the power. And if you is trying to be a sneaky spy, we is the worst minions to be working with. Because we is the overlady's top elite hench-minions. She are even knowing some of our names. That are real power, no?"
"I are thinking so," Char said, with a voice of slow realisation.
"And 'cause we is now your friendies in your secret cons-pirate-sea, we is gonna give you some loot," Maxy expounded. "'Cause the overlady are meeting with a very fancy boss-man from the East. We gotta be the worst minions we can be, and if you is gonna lead the reds, you is needing something horrid to wear on your head."
"Ta da!" Scyl announced, producing something black, floppy and smelling heavily of garlic from under his cloak. That was probably better than it smelling of minion. And Char recognised it on sight.
"… are… are that a beret?" Char said, leaking oily tears from his eyes.
"Looted it from a Gallian!" Scyl said brightly.
"F-for the overlady!"
Maxy let go, and sidled over to Maggat. "See," he said slyly. "That are how you is man-ip-you-lay-ting a dumb-dumb red minion like that. And it are much faster than smashing their heads in. Maybe there are a way of doing stuff what does not need you to hit me in the-"
Maggat smashed his head in for that, but when Scyl fixed up his skull and put his brains back in there were no hard feelings.
Maggat hefted his newly polished machete, idly dusting off one of his skull pauldrons. The man in red-lacquered armour facing him glared down from behind his monstrous-visaged helmet, hefting his polearm in an almost-threatening manner. On both sides, minions and armoured men postured and showed off their equipment. Fettid, Maxy, Scyl and the new addition of Char had acquired cigars and were smoking them offensively.
Soft music played in the background, played by damned souls chained to one wall.
Between them, a nervous demon with bright blue hair and a tongue piercing made her way to the sole table that was not occupied by soldiers or minions. She tried very hard not to think about how they were going to have to disinfect the place afterwards, because that was a worry for later. What she was going to do was taking all her potential worry for right now.
She placed the tray down. "So, um," she said, voice a high-pitched squeak. "That's. Um. Um. One tall white chocolate latte macchiato."
"Mine," said the armoured figure of the Steel Maiden – called by some the Overlady of the North. The kidnapper of princesses and murderer of ancestors took her drink.
"And one… uh, oolong tea."
"Yes," said Emperor Lee, dashing in black-lacquered plate which bore the emblem of the dragons that had rampaged across the greatest nation in the world on his orders. He lifted his tea from the tray in front of him and placed it carefully down on the table.
"So… uh, I'm hoping y'all have a good time at Booma's Coffee and… uh, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask!"
She received two glares, one from glowing eyes and the other from mirrored shades. The waitress swiftly retreated and had a panic attack in the backroom, glad that she was still alive. Whatever corporate were being paid for entering the hospitality business for the overworld, she wasn't getting enough of it. Still, when her script found a publisher, no doubt she'd be out of here. And not a day too soon.
The two figures of evil began testing their drinks for any signs of poison or other adverse contaminants, and only began to drink once they had found it to be clean. Louise took a sip. What a profoundly average drink. She'd wanted wine, but apparently the Abyss insisted you had to be twenty-one years of age to drink. This was clearly a marker of how it was a dreadful and cruel and inhuman and wicked place. She adjusted the set of the enchanted spectacles Jessica had made for her to translate Lee's language, and cleared her throat.
"So. Um. Nice to see you again. Say, is that new armour?" she asked. Henrietta had advised her to ask about his clothing.
"Yes," he said, the magic of the glasses providing the words he said in a proper civilised language – which is to say, one she spoke. "My old one was getting too weak. It is important to always enhance your armour or replace it, so that your equipment is superior to that of your foes. I notice you have acquired a heavily enchanted gem on your gauntlet."
"Yes. Yes, I have. Stolen from the treasury of Tristian," Louise said, pleased that he had noticed. Wait, no! She'd had that the last time they'd met to go see that peculiar play-like thing! Had he only just noticed? The cheek!
"… of course I noticed it last time," Emperor Lee said quickly. "Of course I did. I just did not say anything about it."
Louise relaxed. Wait. Unless he was lying! Argh! It was so much harder to have these interactions when she didn't actually know what he was saying and could only judge from tone of voice and Jessica's demonic translations. And now he was staring at her and she was feeling awkward and quick, she had to say something. "I hate the weather in the Abyss," she said. "It's so hot."
"Yes. It is very hot."
"It… it seems to be hotter than before, too."
"That is what I have read. They say the Abyss is constantly warming year on year."
"They really should do something about it," Louise said desperately. "The sky was on fire."
Lee nodded. "I was worried by that, but the guidebook said that it was normal."
"Yes. Ha ha. Those crazy demons."
He fortunately laughed. "Yes. It is astonishing the things they do sometimes."
"Ha ha."
"Ha ha."
The table descended into awkward silence. Louise tried to conceal her nervousness by taking a larger sip of her profoundly average drink. Why… why was she finding it so much harder to talk to him this time? They'd got on so well last time. But now he was colder and… had she offended him? Accidentally secretly ruined one of his plans? Was she – gulp – objectively suboptimal? Well, she'd set him on fire if he ever said that! Wait, no, he'd be immune to fire. He was so annoying!
She cleared her throat. "I didn't arrange this meeting to discuss infernal weather," she said, putting down her drink. "I have a proposal which I believe will suit both of us."
"Please proceed."
Louise clapped her hands, and two minions wheeled in a map. The emperor's bodyguards moved to intercept them and the minions and the lackeys ended up in a stare-off, until Lee waved them aside.
"What is this?"
"Excuse me," Louise said, gesturing to the map, "but I have made quite a study of Cathayan internal politics recently. I notice that you have been having problems with certain border lords in the Xizang province – not to mention the lords of Ind, who also lay claim to this region. The border lords seem to object to having an evil ruler, for some reason."
"They will be crushed in time," Emperor Lee said stiffly.
"Oh, certainly, certainly. In time. But in the meantime, they harbour annoying orange-robed monks. Traitors to your rule," Louise said sweetly. It felt so much better when she knew what to talk about. "They work with the lords of Ind against your interests, playing you against one of the other great powers of the East. They're disloyal – and by all accounts, annoyingly smug and self-righteous."
"That is true," the emperor admitted.
The overlady leant forwards. "And yet your other lords would get uppity if you moved to crush them. Not to mention that the risk of a war with Ind is not worth such minor annoyances." She silently thanked Gnarl's analysis that had pointed out these things to her. He had to have looted the rest of his race's collective intelligence. That was the only reasonable explanation. "So they survive to annoy you further." She smiled widely, eyes lighting up. "Wouldn't it be just lovely if they found that their refusal to allow you to station troops in their lands – to protect them, of course – resulted in all manner of attacks from vile forces of darkness? Perhaps they'll think again about their decisions if a horde of minions," she gestured to her followers who did indeed fit that description," were to show up and burn down their castles, mutilate their yaks, and kill any annoying orange-robed monks they might see."
"I see." Emperor Lee narrowed his eyes. "And now you will point out that if such a thing were to occur, my hands would remain clean and I could say without lying that I had given no such order?"
"What a coincidence," Louise said, who was vaguely irked that he had pre-empted the next part of her pitch. "That would be true, wouldn't it?"
"What do you want?"
"For you to not be present at this year's Cabal Awards," she said flatly. "If you can't attend due to, ah, 'prior commitments', then as runner up for Best Newcomer last year I get to give the speech. I need the public platform to strike against one of my enemies in the Abyss. You should be totally unaffected by this." Well, unless you have a deal with Athe, she thought to herself. In that case she was really protecting him from the consequences of his actions.
"Hmm. Well, that seems like an acceptable plan," Emperor Lee said gravely. "I have found those border lords to be annoying. I accept, and will have my people settle any terms with yours. Will that be all?" He shifted, as if he was about to get up to leave.
A sudden, towering, utterly irrational and nonsensical rage swept through Louise like a firestorm of evil pink flames. There was also some lightning in there, and possibly magical acid rain. How dare he move as if he was about to walk out of her da… business meeting?! She had gone to a lot of effort to arrange this! There was no way he was going to ruin things by agreeing to what she had to say so quickly! There had to be… more… more tension than this!
Did… did he not want to spend time with her?
"It's always fine to come to an arrangement with a civilised man," she managed to choke out, hoping she didn't look as… as humiliated as she felt.
Fires flickered in the boudoir of the overlady.
Why was victory so bitter? Louise wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the wall of her bedroom, huddled up in warm fluffy clothing. She'd won. She'd won. She'd got Emperor Lee on board, and as long as she did the thing he needed, she'd be one step closer to crushing Montespan and the Council.
But it didn't feel like winning. Irritably, she wiped her watering eyes with her sleeve. He'd just wanted to go! He hadn't even wanted to finish his drink!
Why was her heart so… so wretchedly inconstant! She didn't want to have feelings for the dark emperor of Cathay! She certainly didn't want to have feelings for Princess Henrietta! But here she was, like a stupid vapid little girl! She turned as red as a beetroot from an innocent comment from her old friend, and here she was, angry and upset because she'd wanted a longer meeting with a wicked horrible dreadful man!
It wasn't even like Henrietta had any feelings for her, beyond honest wholesome friendship. She loved her dead prince. What could Louise do against something like that? Not that she even wanted to! But Emperor Lee… she thought he'd sort of maybe possibly liked her? Enough that he'd wanted to spend time around her, at least! She'd liked spending time around him! How dare he try to leave!
She turned and punched her pillow a few times. It made her feel a little bit better, maybe. Taking a deep breath, Louise let out a melancholy sigh. Maybe he'd just been busy. Yes, maybe that was it. Being a dark emperor was a full time profession. No doubt he had… he had towns to burn down and dragon hordes to summon and dark magic to practice!
What a dreadful man! Yes, it was a good thing she wasn't getting in his way! Wasn't it!
No. She… she wanted to see him again.
Louise sniffled. Probably… probably no one else had these problems. She was getting angry and upset that two people she didn't want to have feelings for didn't have feelings back for her.
"I'm so stupid," she muttered miserably, hugging her beaten-up pillow. "Such a stupid little girl. Shut up, heart."
It'd be good to have some time away from Henrietta. Yes. She'd go off to the Mystic East, get to do some good old fashioned violence against people who probably deserved it anyway, and it would give her some time to get over these awkward feelings.
Please, Founder.
"With a yo-ho-ho an' a ho-yo-yo and something something something, a pirate's life for stealin' from him!"
Ropes creaked and canvas flapped as the sails were raised by minions who were doing something that could charitably be described as singing. The ship had been repainted and caulked, and despite Jessica's best efforts she had not been allowed to cover it with iron spikes or cover it with pictures of her work. Instead, the overlady had her working on a particularly cunning contraption.
"All wrong!" Jessica called down happily, roping up from where she had been inspecting the newly attached propellers. "Final check… uh, checks out. Probably should have used a better word for it. But it's all a-okay!"
"It's all working?" Louise asked, wrapped up in warm clothing for the heights. She was however, still wearing her helmet. For one, it made her taller.
"Yep! Fixed and secure! The brand new revolving minion holding pens are ready to be loaded!"
Louise nodded. "Get them in!" she barked at her browns.
Some people might feel worried about spending time on a vessel made of wood which would be flying high in the air if there were reds around. Louise was one of those people, which was why she had devised an according-to-her ingenious way of mitigating against that risk.
"And stay in there!" Louise snapped, as they threw the reds into a number of sealed hollow metal wheels in the hold that would connect to auxiliary propellers. A few reds had been bribed with loot to ensure that their fellows ran around the insides of the wheels in the same direction. Blues were on station to bring back any reds who died from exhaustion. After some thought she'd decided that they probably needed air holes, although it had been a close decision. Air holes might let the air in, but they also let the smell out.
Shaking her head, she watched as Maggat dragged a beret-wearing red who had acquired a mottled-green jacket and a musket.
"We is gonna find our comrades in the East! The East is red! Liberty! Equality! Looting!"
"What is that minion talking about?" Louise asked Maggat, wrinkling her nose – a wise precaution when spending time around minions.
Maggat hit the red over the head. "That are just Char," he said easily. "He are our replacey-mint for Igni for burning things."
"Oh. I see." Louise thought for a moment. "Carry on, then."
There was a crunch as Maggat hit him harder. Char managed to choke out an, "I is being oppreurk-" before he died and Scyl got to work bringing him back.
Louise of course ignored that, because she had to say her farewells. Heading up to the deck, she was hit by a ballistic Cattleya.
"Look at you!" Cattleya said, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. It took her effort to cry things that weren't blood, and darn it this was a special enough occasion that she was going to do it! "My little sister, going off travelling!"
"… you're coming with me," Louise reminded her.
"And I'm coming with you! I'm also going off travelling," her sister continued, a rigor mortis grip around her neck. "Oh, I hope it'll be enjoyable. We have barrels of Tristainian soil down in the hold and my coffin and I'm sure it'll be dreadfully exciting!"
"I'm hoping for boredom," Louise said weakly. Forcing her hands up inside her sister's hug, she loosened her grip until she could breathe again properly.
"And by the way, I packed my maids too so you'll have someone to look after you!" Cattleya added quickly. "Because there's no way you can spend all day with just minions to talk to!"
That seemed like a rather thin excuse to Louise. She had spent entire months with no one to talk to but minions. She could do it again. Wait. She had spent entire months with no one to talk to but minions. She was going to have to do it again.
"That's a very good idea," she agreed. "Now, Catt, please can you finish moving your baggage onboard?"
"Oh yes!" Her sister leapt off the edge, drifting down in gross defiance of gravity.
Louise breathed a little sigh of relief at being able to breathe freely again and turned to face Henrietta and Jessica. Jessica had a smear of oil on her face, she noticed. "You two," she began. "I'll try to stay in touch as much as I can. Try not to let things fall to pieces while I'm gone, understood?"
"Nah, it's cool," Jessica said. "It's like your gap year, yeah? You're eighteen. I went to Syama on my gap year." She hugged Louise roughly. "Take care of yourself, yeah? Oh! Nearly forgot!" She rummaged in her backpack, pulling out a strange boxy device. "Be sure to take tonnes of snaps, got it?"
Louise started suspiciously at the box, and privately vowed to have a minion test it for her while she hid behind something solid. That sounded bite-y. "I will try my best," she said, covering up her confusion at Jessica-speak, "but I will no doubt be very busy. Perhaps Cattleya might take your… uh, 'snaps'."
Jessica sucked in a breath. "Oh, I wouldn't do that. There's a teeny weeny risk the flash might kill her. Because she's a vampire."
Right. No way was she using that except in emergencies, Louise thought privately. "Well, thank you very much," she said gracefully. "Now, Henrietta. Remember everything I told you. Gnarl will be here, so he should be able to keep things ticking along, but don't let him be too… Gnarl."
"He is very Gnarl," Henrietta agreed, her eyes watery.
"And pay attention to what Magdalene tells you. It's really, really important that the Council isn't allowed to hurt my sister. Got it? If they look like they're going to do that, contact me immediately. Understood!"
"Yes, of course! I wrote down a list of everything you told me to do!" Henrietta said firmly. "And I'm also going to keep a very firm eye on Albion. The Council are allied with those swine, so if they start to move it might be a sign of a greater scheme."
Louise swelled with pride. She was so lucky to have such a trustworthy friend. "That's an excellent idea," she said warmly. "Just… take care of yourself, you understand?"
"I should be telling you that!" Henrietta insisted. "You're going off into a foreign land where… where you probably can't trust the food…"
"Nah, everyone loves a Cathayan takeaway," Jessica interjected.
"… and you've only got some smelly minions and Cattleya to keep you safe," Henrietta continued, ignoring her. "Oh dear." She blotted at her eyes. "I promised myself I wouldn't cry! But… but… but if you die, I'll… I'll never forgive you!"
Louise felt her heart wrench. "I'll be back as soon as I can," she promised, her own eyes turning blurry. "We've got the parts needed to repair a relay tower so… so as soon as I have that back online, I'll speak to you!"
"You better!" Henrietta insisted, sweeping Louise up in a warm hug. Louise relaxed into the embrace. This was nice. This was very nice. She could get used to it. Hah! Much nicer than… than Emperor Lee's would have been! She didn't want her stupid useless feelings for either of them, but at least Henrietta wanted to spend time with her!
All too soon, it was over. "You should go," Henrietta said, blowing her nose. "You want to get favourable winds, and the… the sooner you go, the sooner you'll be back."
She and Jessica made their way down the gangplank after some more farewells, and stood back, to watch their departure. Louise stood on deck, leaning over the railing and listening to the minion babble and Cattleya's fussing as she finished packing.
Pallas looked up at her and mewled.
There was a distinct frisson of excitement about this. She wanted an entirely boring journey and a nice easy favour in the Far East, but there was certainly part of her that wanted to see if some of the tales her parents had told her about Cathay were true. She'd have to get herself something nice there. And things were certainly getting a bit… inappropriate feelings-wise back here. Some time away would be healthy. A nice safe trip. Yes. It'd… it'd be good for her health.
Well, at least if nothing went wrong. And she didn't spend all the time being airsick. And the reds didn't get loose and set the ship on fire. And they didn't get stopped by people who might object to an overlady sailing over their lands. And she didn't run out of windstones. Or get double-crossed by Emperor Lee when he sent dragons to eat her before she even got to her destination. Or…
Oh dear. Louise started nibbling on her fingernails of her right hand. Stupid useless brain. Why was it coming up with all these stupid, useless and wrong ways that things could go pear-shaped? She was getting all nervous and feeling sick. And all for nothing!
Because nothing was going to go wrong. Right?
– Ol' Phil, uneducated horse herder
…
The grand clock ticked away the seconds, its scythe-shaped pendulum cutting through the air. Upon the table, black-bound tomes of wicked magic were scattered around. There was a steel tray in the centre, upon which were secured two rats. One was dead, eviscerated with a sacrificial knife and the other was alive. Leaning over them was the crown princess of Tristain, holding aforementioned blood-wetted sacrificial knife.
"… call upon your ceaseless sorrow, oh rat! Rise up! Live! Live!" Henrietta chanted. She gestured with the knife. "Let this blood-feast be your offering and let the crimson tide wash away the sorrows of the…" she turned the page, "… the profaned grave! Rise! Rise! Rise!"
Black and pale blue light twirled in the palm of her free hand. With the other, she plunged the knife into the chest of the living rat. Something came shrieking out of its mouth, and was sucked into the ball of light, which turned a dark, bloody red. And then she pressed it against the eviscerated remains of the original dead rat.
"Rise up!" she commanded. "Come! Rat! Shed the chains of death and live!"
The deceased rat twitched a little bit. And then it stopped moving entirely. She waited expectantly for a while, but there were no other signs of life.
"Drat," Henrietta said sadly. No luck. It wasn't very fair. All she was trying to do was to reach between the boundaries of life and death and bring back a rat. It just wasn't working! The best she managed to get was barely more than you'd get if you shot lightning at a corpse, and after extensive testing the Church had declared that this was not a working means of unholy resurrection. And that it was therefore not a sin to shoot thunderbolts at dead bodies.
Slumping down, Henrietta wiped specks of blood off her hands, dropping her bloodied knife onto the tray. She was useless. She… she obviously didn't love Prince Cearl enough if she couldn't even bring a rat back! Because if she couldn't bring a rat back, she couldn't bring him back and she'd be forever left with this aching hole in her heart! No other man could fill it. She knew this in the depths of her soul. She would be forever alone, deprived of the one she loved by the cruelty of usurpers.
She wondered if Louise would be better at this. She doubted it. Surprisingly, despite the many and wicked things her family had got up to necromancy was one of the sins they committed less frequently. From what she had heard, the de la Vallière family seldom made good necromancers; barring of course the ones who were already among the living dead who were paragons of the art. It was joked that it was because they disliked shedding their own blood. The blood of others, yes. They shed that gleefully and in large amounts. But they didn't like having to bleed themselves. The royal family was historically better at it. It was the same talent for water magic that ran in their veins, some said. Others said that the hallowed dead were laid down in the soil of Tristan, and so would always obey their liege-lords.
So she'd just have to try again. Try again and again and again, until she got it right. No matter how many rats she had to gut. And when she had this down just pat, it would be so very fitting that the ones who murdered her love would be the ones who gave their lives to bring him back!
Yes…
"Princess Henrietta? Are you in here?" It was Louise-Françoise, wearing what was to Henrietta's eyes an incredibly staid and conservative outfit. It barely acknowledged her position as a wicked overlady by being a black gown over a deep red petticoat. She really had to work with Jessica to get Louise-Françoise to expand her vision and stop dressing like an old woman, Henrietta considered. It just wasn't fitting for a dark and malevolent force of Evil to be so... so prudish.
"I'm here," she replied, quickly covering up the tray and the bloodied contents with a cloth and sliding it under the table.
"What are you doing? Light a few more candles, at least."
"Just a little reading." Henrietta forced out a laugh. "I suppose I must not have noticed the other candles burning down."
"… what are you reading?" Louise asked suspiciously. "I mean, if you don't mind telling."
"I'm trying to find anything useful about the dark angels of Athe. I haven't had much success."
"Ah." Louise shook her head. "Yes, I haven't had much luck in my existing library. I ordered some new books in and I'll let you look at them once I'm finished."
"That would be wonderful, Louise-Françoise! So, what brings you here?"
Louise sniffed. "I smell blood."
"Cattleya was in here recently."
"Oh. I really need to talk to her about sticking to her diet." Louise sat down on the other side of the table, got up again and found a cushion to sit on, and then sat down again. "We need to have a talk."
"We do? For what reason? I can't think of anything in particular that we need to talk about for any reason whatsoever. Things are just fine," Henrietta said quickly, slightly shriller and higher-pitched than she had perhaps intended.
Louise stared flatly at her. "You don't know what I'm trying to talk to you about because we haven't talked about it yet," she said, her voice slightly tart.
"Oh. Right. Well, that is quite fine," Henrietta said, trying not to sound too relieved. She rose, massaging her brow in a slightly exaggerated manner. "I have a headache from staring at these books in poor lighting. This way." Dragging Louise through, they took up seats in a better-lit and not-at-all-near-any-sacrificed-rodents reading room. "Now, go on, my dear friend. Whatever is the matter?"
The overlady settled her skirts, and clasped her pale hands together. "Now, you understand that it will be no small feat to cast down Françoise Athénaïs de Mortemart. To that end, I plan to-"
"We could just kill her," Henrietta suggested. "Get someone to stab her in the back. That would, I believe, manage it quite adequately."
"I'm not sure that would work, with that dark angel in her," Louise reluctantly confessed. "Montespan is a highly skilled mistress of wards, and with that wicked spirit throwing its power behind her magic… well, I managed to break them, but it took everything I had. And that was before the dark angel truly unleashed its power."
"Yes, but what if we paid someone to slip into her bedroom and stick a poniard in her ear while she sleeps?" Henrietta frowned. "Or several poniards in all her vital organs. And perhaps we should poison them just in case."
Louise stared at her. "We'll save that as a fallback plan," she said after an uncomfortable pause. "I still don't think it would work with a dark angel possessing her. Regardless!"
"I'm sorry. I'll hush."
"Thank you." A lock of pink hair fell in front of Louise's face, and she huffed it out of the way. "Now, as it stands, I don't think I can defeat her on my own. She's too powerful. That means I need to get that hell-spawn out of the way. And that means I need Athe out of the way. He's a dark god."
"It is quite a conundrum."
"I know! However, I have a plan. I will need the assistance of Emperor Lee."
"Oh my! How scandalous!" Henrietta said, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "A political marriage! To one of the most eligible bachelors in the world!"
"I'm not going to marry him!" Louise blurted out. "I mean I wouldn't protest it, but… I would of course have a problem with it, but…"
Henrietta laughed, her voice chiming. "Louise Françoise, you are adorable when you blush!" For some reason, this just deepened the blush. "I really must apologise for that. But are you courting him?"
Louise squirmed under her gaze. "Well… I don't know," she admitted, her face as pink as her hair. "I've only met him a few times! But… he is handsome and we did get on and…"
"He is the tyrant of the vast lands of Cathay to the East, richest of all nations," Henrietta said understandingly.
"Yes. That is true," Louise said, blushing. She coughed nervously. "But it's not about marriage! It's… it's… in essence, the previous winner of the Best Newcomer at the Cabal Awards gets a public platform for the next year. He won – I was runner up. So if he can't make it for whatever reason, I get his place."
"Ah." Henrietta nodded. That made sense. "So you wish him to step aside for you."
"Precisely. But of course, he won't do it out of the goodness of his heart. Because there is none. Because he's evil."
Henrietta curled a lock of her around her finger. "Well, are we sure about that?" she asked reasonably. "What if he's actually just pretending to be evil to get some jolly righteous revenge on some cad who killed his beloved?"
Louise opened her mouth. Louise closed her mouth. "You haven't talked to him," she managed eventually. "Trust me. He's not doing it for such, ahem, 'objectively suboptimal' reasons."
"I don't follow."
"If you'd spent time around him, you'd understand."
"Well, if you say so," Henrietta said dubiously.
Bringing her hands together, Louise moved into the main thrust of her argument. "So, yes! To this end, I have had Gnarl send a very proper formal letter requesting that we meet up for a brief business proposition in the Abyss. He has accepted my proposition, and so I will be meeting for him at a place that Jessica recommended to me. Apparently they serve fine refreshments when people meet up there."
"Well, that sounds eminently sensible," Henrietta said approvingly. "And if you're lucky, he might be looking to court you too!"
The overlady pinkened again. "D-do you think he'd be that forward?" she asked nervously, hands going to her cheeks.
"Well, he is a wicked tyrant."
"I… I have already decided to tell him that this meeting is for business, and… and if he wishes to court me, then I expect a rather finer repast!" Louise blurted out.
"Now that's the proper attitude! If he wants your hand in marriage, you must make him work for it! No doubt true love will prevail, if it is true love. And if it isn't… well, I'm not really sure what happens then." Henrietta frowned. "I don't really have any experience with courtship of people who are not handsome princes who are also your true love. He's a quite handsome emperor, if that helps?"
"Perhaps," Louise said. Henrietta got the distinct impression she was trying to change the topic. Louise leant back, taking a deep breath and trying to settle herself. Henrietta was not sure whether to point out that her eyes were smouldering like pinkish-yellow embers. "But if this works, I am probably going to have to spend at least a month in the Mystic East. Maybe more. I need to be back before midwinter, but I need to get this done. So I'm going to be taking a lot of minions with me on the windship and heading to a lesser tower that I found on the maps, to get it repaired as a temporary base of operations there. Until I restore that, I'll be out of contact – and even then, it will strain the tower to overuse it and given that the tower heart is still damaged…"
"Yes." Henrietta nodded solidly. "No one wants large magical explosions."
"Well, not this kind," Louise agreed. "And so I'll need someone to hold down the home front. As I see it, even though you're technically my prisoner, you're the best suited person I have to just… just keep things running, do you understand?"
Henrietta leaned forwards. This was interesting. Very interesting. It was wonderful that her friend trusted her this much! And she could use this chance! "I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to put Gnarl or Jessica in charge," she said, considering the advantages.
"Quite so. And Cattleya is…"
"A sweet natured and kind girl who is also a blood-drinking predator," Henrietta said understandingly.
"I was just going to say 'coming with me'," Louise said defensively. "Admittedly, yes, I wouldn't leave her in charge if I wasn't taking her, but since I plan to it doesn't matter that she's not exactly the sharpest fang in the mouth."
Henrietta giggled at that. "So mean! True, but mean."
"Yes." Louise tapped her fingers on the table in front of her. "So you'll just need to… you know, keep things running. Lady Magdalene is my spymistress so make sure to listen to her and her reports on Tristainain society, and… well, just do what you think is best if the Council try anything major. And make sure," she added, balling her fists, "that that hateful little witch Montespan doesn't kill my big sister. She's mean, but no one gets to do that! Do you understand me?"
The princess leaned back. Louise was shouting. "Crystal clear," she said quickly.
"Then that's all good." Louise pursed her lips. "Though… I do have another favour to ask."
"Whatever you want!"
"I… um. Need some help with practicing formal dinners with members of royalty. Cathayan royalty, if you get my drift."
Rising to her feet, Henrietta wrapped her friend up in a hug. "Of course! I know all about this kind of etiquette! I am a princess! I am graceful and gentle and-"
"Too tight!" Louise managed to gasp.
"Sorry, what?"
"Too tight!"
Henrietta released the hug somewhat, and Louise gratefully gasped for breath, red in the face. "Well… sometimes I don't know my own strength! But by the time we are done, oh Louise Françoise, I would not be surprised if he fell in love with you at first sight!" She looked the overlady up and down. "Though we may need a new dress. I'm sure something cut lower in the che-"
"I'm wearing my armour and that's that."
…
Down in the malodorous depths of the minion dwellings, four older minions looked at a desolate and sad pile of loot. Despite everything, it had not yet been re-looted by another minion, and the younger reds who had tried to purloin it had suffered compound fractures and temporary mortality.
"Igni was a bad minion," Maggat said, shaking his head while idly bashing the latest attempted thief into a wall. "Being not-believed-in to double death are a softy way to go."
"It shouldn't have been like this," Maxy agreed. "He should just have had his head cut off or been exploded or been crushed by horsies or shot with muskets or drowned or flattened by rocks or run over by a roller or eaten by a manticore or… or something he could've got better from!"
"It are always a pain when there are no body to make them not double-dead," Scyl said sadly. "It are cheating. Even when they is blown into itty bitty bits, there are normally some bits of body."
Fettid played the harmonica, producing what would probably have been a melancholy tune if it had not sounded like she was torturing a sack full of kittens.
There was a respectful moment of sil-
"So we split the loot four way?" Maxy said.
"Oh, yeah, that are the worst way," Maggat agreed, digging into the loot. "Now, we is needing another red."
"They has gots to have a name and something what is making them mem-or-able," Scyl said dreamily. "That are what are making us stand out and why we is the worst minions."
"Is you sure?" Fettid said dubiously. "I think it are because we is dead killy."
"Oh yeah. That is what are probably helping us too."
"Shut it," Maggat growled. "I has got a plan for who are going to take Igni's place." He added his share of Igni's loot to his backpack. "Come with me."
It was sweltering hot in the portion of the tower infested by the reds. Since Jessica had set up forging equipment, the creatures had moved into the area under the smelter. They didn't appreciate other minion breeds coming here. Countless yellow eyes locked themselves on Maggat and co.
One of the reds strummed a looted lute, picking out individual notes. "We no like your sort around here, boys," it cackled, from a high place. "You better go, or we is having a barbie-queue."
Maxy drew his own instrument, plucking out his own note. "Is it is 'cause I is brown?" he asked.
"Yeah. It is. You ain't welcome here," the red countered, beginning its own counter melody. "Why don't you go back to where you came from?"
"We was here before you," Scyl pointed out, and was ignored.
Maxy narrowed his eyes. "I think you is wanting a duel," he said, matching the new tune. "Is you willing to really go up against me?"
"Maybe I is, boy. Maybe I is wanting a d-urk!"
Fettid withdrew the knife from his back. "Dibs on the duel!" she announced brightly, kicking the corpse off its high place having taken everything of value and stuffed it into her purse. "Oh! I win! Let's play again! Scyl! Bring him back!"
Putting that out of mind, Maggat scanned the room. The sign of red banners and the sound of a rousing song which seemed to largely consist of failed attempts to pronounce the word 'Solidarity' led him to what he was looking for. Maxy backing him up, he bullied his way through the sweltering room.
"Oi!" Maggat shouted. "Char! Show your stupid face!"
The crowd parted. "It is your face what is stupid!" Char said, from his position atop a pipe where he was posing. "You no is seeing that the overlords oppress us and use us as slaves and cannon fodder. But the Redvolution will free us. Mostly the reds! But you lot can be free too."
"What is you, stupid?" Maggat retorted. "Of course we is slaves and cannon fodder. That are what we was made to be."
"Working together minions can defeat the boar schwah zee! It are class traitors like you, Maggat, who is stopping us!"
"Hey, Maxy," Maggat whispered out of the side of his mouth. "What are a class traitor?"
Maxy shrugged. "Dunno."
"Is I one?"
"Nah," Maxy said loyally. "You has no class, so you cannot be a class traitor."
That made perfect sense, Maggat had to agree. "We is needing a new red for the lot of minions what boss stuff around because the overlady tells us to. And you kept on talkin' back to me even though we killed you a bunch of times."
"Most minions what get killed that much just give up 'cause they is too bored," Scyl said, coming up behind the other two.
"Yeah! That are a lot of stubbornness to do that. So you is bad for this."
Char glared. "What? You want me to give up the Redvolution? Never!"
"I'll just kill you a bunch if you don't," Maggat pointed out.
"The Minion is here to sigh-lance me!" Char shouted. "But I no are gonna be made quiet! The minions united cannot be defeated!"
"Wrong again!" Fettid exclaimed gleefully, appearing from behind him with her knives.
"I no are knowing why he says that," Maxy said sadly over the sound of the screaming, shaking his head. "It are just asking for trouble."
"Perhaps he has a thing for having his feeties cut off," Scyl suggested.
"That are a very strange fetish," Maxy said, as the mutilated Char fell down from his pipe.
"Feet-ish," Scyl corrected.
Maggat hefted his club. "Fettid, give him back his footsies and let Scyl stick them back on," he ordered.
Fettid smiled innocently. "Right you are, boss," she said, tossing them to the blue who got to work.
"You can take my life but you cannot take my freedom!" Char declared.
"You said that last time. Then we killed you a bunch and chained you up," Scyl said. "Oops. He bled out. Gotta bring him back from the dead place again. Maybe we should take away his tick-it."
"Boss, boss, boss," Maxy said effusively while they waited for Char to be resurrected. "You no is doing it proper. Let me do this talky bit. See, see," Maxy said, wrapping an arm around Char's shoulders and pulling him off the ground, "you no is thinking with a head what is clear. Rebelling no are going to work, because then we just smash your head in."
"Like we do a lot," Scyl said brightly.
"Yeah. That. Like we do if you do that again. You has to be cunning and tricksy and sneaky-like. But not like a green."
"Aww," said Fettid, pouting.
"Because you no is able to turn invisible and hide like a sneaky green."
"… that are a bad point," Fettid admitted.
"So you is going to be all thinky and work inside the power. And if you is trying to be a sneaky spy, we is the worst minions to be working with. Because we is the overlady's top elite hench-minions. She are even knowing some of our names. That are real power, no?"
"I are thinking so," Char said, with a voice of slow realisation.
"And 'cause we is now your friendies in your secret cons-pirate-sea, we is gonna give you some loot," Maxy expounded. "'Cause the overlady are meeting with a very fancy boss-man from the East. We gotta be the worst minions we can be, and if you is gonna lead the reds, you is needing something horrid to wear on your head."
"Ta da!" Scyl announced, producing something black, floppy and smelling heavily of garlic from under his cloak. That was probably better than it smelling of minion. And Char recognised it on sight.
"… are… are that a beret?" Char said, leaking oily tears from his eyes.
"Looted it from a Gallian!" Scyl said brightly.
"F-for the overlady!"
Maxy let go, and sidled over to Maggat. "See," he said slyly. "That are how you is man-ip-you-lay-ting a dumb-dumb red minion like that. And it are much faster than smashing their heads in. Maybe there are a way of doing stuff what does not need you to hit me in the-"
Maggat smashed his head in for that, but when Scyl fixed up his skull and put his brains back in there were no hard feelings.
…
Maggat hefted his newly polished machete, idly dusting off one of his skull pauldrons. The man in red-lacquered armour facing him glared down from behind his monstrous-visaged helmet, hefting his polearm in an almost-threatening manner. On both sides, minions and armoured men postured and showed off their equipment. Fettid, Maxy, Scyl and the new addition of Char had acquired cigars and were smoking them offensively.
Soft music played in the background, played by damned souls chained to one wall.
Between them, a nervous demon with bright blue hair and a tongue piercing made her way to the sole table that was not occupied by soldiers or minions. She tried very hard not to think about how they were going to have to disinfect the place afterwards, because that was a worry for later. What she was going to do was taking all her potential worry for right now.
She placed the tray down. "So, um," she said, voice a high-pitched squeak. "That's. Um. Um. One tall white chocolate latte macchiato."
"Mine," said the armoured figure of the Steel Maiden – called by some the Overlady of the North. The kidnapper of princesses and murderer of ancestors took her drink.
"And one… uh, oolong tea."
"Yes," said Emperor Lee, dashing in black-lacquered plate which bore the emblem of the dragons that had rampaged across the greatest nation in the world on his orders. He lifted his tea from the tray in front of him and placed it carefully down on the table.
"So… uh, I'm hoping y'all have a good time at Booma's Coffee and… uh, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask!"
She received two glares, one from glowing eyes and the other from mirrored shades. The waitress swiftly retreated and had a panic attack in the backroom, glad that she was still alive. Whatever corporate were being paid for entering the hospitality business for the overworld, she wasn't getting enough of it. Still, when her script found a publisher, no doubt she'd be out of here. And not a day too soon.
The two figures of evil began testing their drinks for any signs of poison or other adverse contaminants, and only began to drink once they had found it to be clean. Louise took a sip. What a profoundly average drink. She'd wanted wine, but apparently the Abyss insisted you had to be twenty-one years of age to drink. This was clearly a marker of how it was a dreadful and cruel and inhuman and wicked place. She adjusted the set of the enchanted spectacles Jessica had made for her to translate Lee's language, and cleared her throat.
"So. Um. Nice to see you again. Say, is that new armour?" she asked. Henrietta had advised her to ask about his clothing.
"Yes," he said, the magic of the glasses providing the words he said in a proper civilised language – which is to say, one she spoke. "My old one was getting too weak. It is important to always enhance your armour or replace it, so that your equipment is superior to that of your foes. I notice you have acquired a heavily enchanted gem on your gauntlet."
"Yes. Yes, I have. Stolen from the treasury of Tristian," Louise said, pleased that he had noticed. Wait, no! She'd had that the last time they'd met to go see that peculiar play-like thing! Had he only just noticed? The cheek!
"… of course I noticed it last time," Emperor Lee said quickly. "Of course I did. I just did not say anything about it."
Louise relaxed. Wait. Unless he was lying! Argh! It was so much harder to have these interactions when she didn't actually know what he was saying and could only judge from tone of voice and Jessica's demonic translations. And now he was staring at her and she was feeling awkward and quick, she had to say something. "I hate the weather in the Abyss," she said. "It's so hot."
"Yes. It is very hot."
"It… it seems to be hotter than before, too."
"That is what I have read. They say the Abyss is constantly warming year on year."
"They really should do something about it," Louise said desperately. "The sky was on fire."
Lee nodded. "I was worried by that, but the guidebook said that it was normal."
"Yes. Ha ha. Those crazy demons."
He fortunately laughed. "Yes. It is astonishing the things they do sometimes."
"Ha ha."
"Ha ha."
The table descended into awkward silence. Louise tried to conceal her nervousness by taking a larger sip of her profoundly average drink. Why… why was she finding it so much harder to talk to him this time? They'd got on so well last time. But now he was colder and… had she offended him? Accidentally secretly ruined one of his plans? Was she – gulp – objectively suboptimal? Well, she'd set him on fire if he ever said that! Wait, no, he'd be immune to fire. He was so annoying!
She cleared her throat. "I didn't arrange this meeting to discuss infernal weather," she said, putting down her drink. "I have a proposal which I believe will suit both of us."
"Please proceed."
Louise clapped her hands, and two minions wheeled in a map. The emperor's bodyguards moved to intercept them and the minions and the lackeys ended up in a stare-off, until Lee waved them aside.
"What is this?"
"Excuse me," Louise said, gesturing to the map, "but I have made quite a study of Cathayan internal politics recently. I notice that you have been having problems with certain border lords in the Xizang province – not to mention the lords of Ind, who also lay claim to this region. The border lords seem to object to having an evil ruler, for some reason."
"They will be crushed in time," Emperor Lee said stiffly.
"Oh, certainly, certainly. In time. But in the meantime, they harbour annoying orange-robed monks. Traitors to your rule," Louise said sweetly. It felt so much better when she knew what to talk about. "They work with the lords of Ind against your interests, playing you against one of the other great powers of the East. They're disloyal – and by all accounts, annoyingly smug and self-righteous."
"That is true," the emperor admitted.
The overlady leant forwards. "And yet your other lords would get uppity if you moved to crush them. Not to mention that the risk of a war with Ind is not worth such minor annoyances." She silently thanked Gnarl's analysis that had pointed out these things to her. He had to have looted the rest of his race's collective intelligence. That was the only reasonable explanation. "So they survive to annoy you further." She smiled widely, eyes lighting up. "Wouldn't it be just lovely if they found that their refusal to allow you to station troops in their lands – to protect them, of course – resulted in all manner of attacks from vile forces of darkness? Perhaps they'll think again about their decisions if a horde of minions," she gestured to her followers who did indeed fit that description," were to show up and burn down their castles, mutilate their yaks, and kill any annoying orange-robed monks they might see."
"I see." Emperor Lee narrowed his eyes. "And now you will point out that if such a thing were to occur, my hands would remain clean and I could say without lying that I had given no such order?"
"What a coincidence," Louise said, who was vaguely irked that he had pre-empted the next part of her pitch. "That would be true, wouldn't it?"
"What do you want?"
"For you to not be present at this year's Cabal Awards," she said flatly. "If you can't attend due to, ah, 'prior commitments', then as runner up for Best Newcomer last year I get to give the speech. I need the public platform to strike against one of my enemies in the Abyss. You should be totally unaffected by this." Well, unless you have a deal with Athe, she thought to herself. In that case she was really protecting him from the consequences of his actions.
"Hmm. Well, that seems like an acceptable plan," Emperor Lee said gravely. "I have found those border lords to be annoying. I accept, and will have my people settle any terms with yours. Will that be all?" He shifted, as if he was about to get up to leave.
A sudden, towering, utterly irrational and nonsensical rage swept through Louise like a firestorm of evil pink flames. There was also some lightning in there, and possibly magical acid rain. How dare he move as if he was about to walk out of her da… business meeting?! She had gone to a lot of effort to arrange this! There was no way he was going to ruin things by agreeing to what she had to say so quickly! There had to be… more… more tension than this!
Did… did he not want to spend time with her?
"It's always fine to come to an arrangement with a civilised man," she managed to choke out, hoping she didn't look as… as humiliated as she felt.
…
Fires flickered in the boudoir of the overlady.
Why was victory so bitter? Louise wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the wall of her bedroom, huddled up in warm fluffy clothing. She'd won. She'd won. She'd got Emperor Lee on board, and as long as she did the thing he needed, she'd be one step closer to crushing Montespan and the Council.
But it didn't feel like winning. Irritably, she wiped her watering eyes with her sleeve. He'd just wanted to go! He hadn't even wanted to finish his drink!
Why was her heart so… so wretchedly inconstant! She didn't want to have feelings for the dark emperor of Cathay! She certainly didn't want to have feelings for Princess Henrietta! But here she was, like a stupid vapid little girl! She turned as red as a beetroot from an innocent comment from her old friend, and here she was, angry and upset because she'd wanted a longer meeting with a wicked horrible dreadful man!
It wasn't even like Henrietta had any feelings for her, beyond honest wholesome friendship. She loved her dead prince. What could Louise do against something like that? Not that she even wanted to! But Emperor Lee… she thought he'd sort of maybe possibly liked her? Enough that he'd wanted to spend time around her, at least! She'd liked spending time around him! How dare he try to leave!
She turned and punched her pillow a few times. It made her feel a little bit better, maybe. Taking a deep breath, Louise let out a melancholy sigh. Maybe he'd just been busy. Yes, maybe that was it. Being a dark emperor was a full time profession. No doubt he had… he had towns to burn down and dragon hordes to summon and dark magic to practice!
What a dreadful man! Yes, it was a good thing she wasn't getting in his way! Wasn't it!
No. She… she wanted to see him again.
Louise sniffled. Probably… probably no one else had these problems. She was getting angry and upset that two people she didn't want to have feelings for didn't have feelings back for her.
"I'm so stupid," she muttered miserably, hugging her beaten-up pillow. "Such a stupid little girl. Shut up, heart."
It'd be good to have some time away from Henrietta. Yes. She'd go off to the Mystic East, get to do some good old fashioned violence against people who probably deserved it anyway, and it would give her some time to get over these awkward feelings.
Please, Founder.
…
"With a yo-ho-ho an' a ho-yo-yo and something something something, a pirate's life for stealin' from him!"
Ropes creaked and canvas flapped as the sails were raised by minions who were doing something that could charitably be described as singing. The ship had been repainted and caulked, and despite Jessica's best efforts she had not been allowed to cover it with iron spikes or cover it with pictures of her work. Instead, the overlady had her working on a particularly cunning contraption.
"All wrong!" Jessica called down happily, roping up from where she had been inspecting the newly attached propellers. "Final check… uh, checks out. Probably should have used a better word for it. But it's all a-okay!"
"It's all working?" Louise asked, wrapped up in warm clothing for the heights. She was however, still wearing her helmet. For one, it made her taller.
"Yep! Fixed and secure! The brand new revolving minion holding pens are ready to be loaded!"
Louise nodded. "Get them in!" she barked at her browns.
Some people might feel worried about spending time on a vessel made of wood which would be flying high in the air if there were reds around. Louise was one of those people, which was why she had devised an according-to-her ingenious way of mitigating against that risk.
"And stay in there!" Louise snapped, as they threw the reds into a number of sealed hollow metal wheels in the hold that would connect to auxiliary propellers. A few reds had been bribed with loot to ensure that their fellows ran around the insides of the wheels in the same direction. Blues were on station to bring back any reds who died from exhaustion. After some thought she'd decided that they probably needed air holes, although it had been a close decision. Air holes might let the air in, but they also let the smell out.
Shaking her head, she watched as Maggat dragged a beret-wearing red who had acquired a mottled-green jacket and a musket.
"We is gonna find our comrades in the East! The East is red! Liberty! Equality! Looting!"
"What is that minion talking about?" Louise asked Maggat, wrinkling her nose – a wise precaution when spending time around minions.
Maggat hit the red over the head. "That are just Char," he said easily. "He are our replacey-mint for Igni for burning things."
"Oh. I see." Louise thought for a moment. "Carry on, then."
There was a crunch as Maggat hit him harder. Char managed to choke out an, "I is being oppreurk-" before he died and Scyl got to work bringing him back.
Louise of course ignored that, because she had to say her farewells. Heading up to the deck, she was hit by a ballistic Cattleya.
"Look at you!" Cattleya said, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. It took her effort to cry things that weren't blood, and darn it this was a special enough occasion that she was going to do it! "My little sister, going off travelling!"
"… you're coming with me," Louise reminded her.
"And I'm coming with you! I'm also going off travelling," her sister continued, a rigor mortis grip around her neck. "Oh, I hope it'll be enjoyable. We have barrels of Tristainian soil down in the hold and my coffin and I'm sure it'll be dreadfully exciting!"
"I'm hoping for boredom," Louise said weakly. Forcing her hands up inside her sister's hug, she loosened her grip until she could breathe again properly.
"And by the way, I packed my maids too so you'll have someone to look after you!" Cattleya added quickly. "Because there's no way you can spend all day with just minions to talk to!"
That seemed like a rather thin excuse to Louise. She had spent entire months with no one to talk to but minions. She could do it again. Wait. She had spent entire months with no one to talk to but minions. She was going to have to do it again.
"That's a very good idea," she agreed. "Now, Catt, please can you finish moving your baggage onboard?"
"Oh yes!" Her sister leapt off the edge, drifting down in gross defiance of gravity.
Louise breathed a little sigh of relief at being able to breathe freely again and turned to face Henrietta and Jessica. Jessica had a smear of oil on her face, she noticed. "You two," she began. "I'll try to stay in touch as much as I can. Try not to let things fall to pieces while I'm gone, understood?"
"Nah, it's cool," Jessica said. "It's like your gap year, yeah? You're eighteen. I went to Syama on my gap year." She hugged Louise roughly. "Take care of yourself, yeah? Oh! Nearly forgot!" She rummaged in her backpack, pulling out a strange boxy device. "Be sure to take tonnes of snaps, got it?"
Louise started suspiciously at the box, and privately vowed to have a minion test it for her while she hid behind something solid. That sounded bite-y. "I will try my best," she said, covering up her confusion at Jessica-speak, "but I will no doubt be very busy. Perhaps Cattleya might take your… uh, 'snaps'."
Jessica sucked in a breath. "Oh, I wouldn't do that. There's a teeny weeny risk the flash might kill her. Because she's a vampire."
Right. No way was she using that except in emergencies, Louise thought privately. "Well, thank you very much," she said gracefully. "Now, Henrietta. Remember everything I told you. Gnarl will be here, so he should be able to keep things ticking along, but don't let him be too… Gnarl."
"He is very Gnarl," Henrietta agreed, her eyes watery.
"And pay attention to what Magdalene tells you. It's really, really important that the Council isn't allowed to hurt my sister. Got it? If they look like they're going to do that, contact me immediately. Understood!"
"Yes, of course! I wrote down a list of everything you told me to do!" Henrietta said firmly. "And I'm also going to keep a very firm eye on Albion. The Council are allied with those swine, so if they start to move it might be a sign of a greater scheme."
Louise swelled with pride. She was so lucky to have such a trustworthy friend. "That's an excellent idea," she said warmly. "Just… take care of yourself, you understand?"
"I should be telling you that!" Henrietta insisted. "You're going off into a foreign land where… where you probably can't trust the food…"
"Nah, everyone loves a Cathayan takeaway," Jessica interjected.
"… and you've only got some smelly minions and Cattleya to keep you safe," Henrietta continued, ignoring her. "Oh dear." She blotted at her eyes. "I promised myself I wouldn't cry! But… but… but if you die, I'll… I'll never forgive you!"
Louise felt her heart wrench. "I'll be back as soon as I can," she promised, her own eyes turning blurry. "We've got the parts needed to repair a relay tower so… so as soon as I have that back online, I'll speak to you!"
"You better!" Henrietta insisted, sweeping Louise up in a warm hug. Louise relaxed into the embrace. This was nice. This was very nice. She could get used to it. Hah! Much nicer than… than Emperor Lee's would have been! She didn't want her stupid useless feelings for either of them, but at least Henrietta wanted to spend time with her!
All too soon, it was over. "You should go," Henrietta said, blowing her nose. "You want to get favourable winds, and the… the sooner you go, the sooner you'll be back."
She and Jessica made their way down the gangplank after some more farewells, and stood back, to watch their departure. Louise stood on deck, leaning over the railing and listening to the minion babble and Cattleya's fussing as she finished packing.
Pallas looked up at her and mewled.
There was a distinct frisson of excitement about this. She wanted an entirely boring journey and a nice easy favour in the Far East, but there was certainly part of her that wanted to see if some of the tales her parents had told her about Cathay were true. She'd have to get herself something nice there. And things were certainly getting a bit… inappropriate feelings-wise back here. Some time away would be healthy. A nice safe trip. Yes. It'd… it'd be good for her health.
Well, at least if nothing went wrong. And she didn't spend all the time being airsick. And the reds didn't get loose and set the ship on fire. And they didn't get stopped by people who might object to an overlady sailing over their lands. And she didn't run out of windstones. Or get double-crossed by Emperor Lee when he sent dragons to eat her before she even got to her destination. Or…
Oh dear. Louise started nibbling on her fingernails of her right hand. Stupid useless brain. Why was it coming up with all these stupid, useless and wrong ways that things could go pear-shaped? She was getting all nervous and feeling sick. And all for nothing!
Because nothing was going to go wrong. Right?
…
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- Location
- The sixth circle of Hell (second on weekends)
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Well, you know, at least she's staying optimistic. Somehow.
GhostStalker
Jeopardy! contestant
- Location
- NYC
Louise! As an Overlady, one should know better than to tempt the demon Murphy! And this isn't even a demon that she can send her minions down to the Abyss and kill, because he's too important to the running of things!
Looking forward to seeing what Murphy has planned for her now because of that.
Also, you've got a bit that just cuts off here:
Do we list what could go wrong by alphabetical order or by deccending order of overall pain and suffering?
Also the pains of having multiple romance paths is a terrible one, and poor Louise can't choose and even if she did choose, there are buckets of complications for each of the paths.
The only good thing he's done is get the rest of the elite minions to smoke. I still miss Igni and I hope Char gets double killed by monks.
TheLastOne
Person of impeccable tastes (for destruction)
Heh, so the Emperor thought it was a date and was upset it turned out to be business, so he left abruptly with hurt feelings, hurting Louise's feelings...
They're both so tsundere. Evil evil tsundere.
They're both so tsundere. Evil evil tsundere.
RazorSmile
ROB Used To Be A Knife Missile
That pun is terrible and you should feel terrible for making it. Just ... just take your Like and go.
Jonen C
F.M.D.G.
- Location
- Lincopense, Ostrogothia, Suecia
I could also note that Char has a musket, probably of Germanian make?
The Redvolutionary Char's Gewehr.
What do you think are the odds of this minion leaving a soot imprint of his face on a blouse of our Overlady? (Or maybe one of Jessicas?)
Fairly high.
The more interesting bet is for chance and means of punishment that would be incurred by such an indiscretion.
Whale
A mammal
- Location
- Finland
Heh, I had already dug up the pic before I realised the name was not only a pun to burny things.
(I swear that pun was accidental! : P )
Tomes, or is the table a mausoleum?
(I swear that pun was accidental! : P )
