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Overlady: Attack of the Minions (Thread II)

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MinorGryph said:
I'm with Salty, after seeing the spiel Karin gave her on birth control I'd find believable if she practiced abstinence solely out of distain for the circumstances of her own conception.
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I wouldn't go that far.

We know that she's at least hooked up with an Evil monk from those strange furren lands.
 
Renu said:
Well, considering the contents of the book, it's highly unlikely.
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We're discussing a piece of work in a fairly high fantasy setting with a lot of magic and deities floating around. There's probably a tome, likely a later volume of whatever sapphic series one of Louise's relatives wrote, that describes what is needed. Probably something to do with life force and a water mage. Which Gnarl is likely to want to get his hands on as it's much more convenient to breed your overlords and overladies to have an heir to groom as the next one over trying to find an entirely new one.
 
Aleph said:
Oh, you fucking cheat! Coward! Poser! You took the damn easy way out of the fight instead of doing it properly! Which is to say, leading her around to that bit on the minimap where the two rows of gravestones and the overhead tree mean she can't manoeuvre, and then exploiting the Fast Cast and Forked Lightning upgrades to slowly and agonisingly pound her to death and yes, I am still bitter about not finding out about the trigger for that "Henrietta interrupt" cutscene until after having to reload like sixteen times before finally bringing her down. Coward!

And no, you don't get points for not taking the "kill her instantly" route, because that only gets you the Mistress of Wards loot, and your Louise is specced for a hyperoffensive build so most of it is useless to you compared with the Dark Angel stuff. Though, heh. Have you ever played this arc with a warding-specialised Louise? And actually completed it, I mean. It takes fucking forever to actually kill her because it basically leaves you both in a position where you can't hurt the other one and so you're just trying to chip away at her wards and dismantle her defences so that your Minions can make with the stabbing, but man, the dialogue. She gets so offended. As does Louise, actually. They're basically bickering over how Wardes replaced you with a carbon copy - especially if you're leaning Delusional Evil - and Eleanore's bitching her out earlier in the arc is probably the best variant I have ever heard, and almost entirely consists of implying that she's nothing but a replacement for Louise that's not as good (since the warding build means Louise was always interested in warding even if she couldn't cast very well). It's great.

Also helps that the Mistress of Wards loot stacked on a warding-focused Louise makes you the next best thing to invincible, and you don't have to lower it to cast because you have MINIONS, WHEEEE.

Sorry to see you lost Igni, though. :( Your first Elite Minion death is always the hardest, especially when you're running a New Game Plus and went through all the work of getting them to the end of the last game. And her Disbeliever feats are monstrous. Which is why you should have exploited the short-term stunlock of Forked Lightning and Fast Cast in a place she couldn't manoeuvre! You coward! Igni would still be alive if you hadn't!
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STOP MAKING ME WANT THIS GAME.

It's like Chapter Master all over again.

Edit: It should be noted that Chapter Master actually ended up getting made.
 
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A Very Manly Yet Tedious Interlude
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    • A Very Manly Yet Tedious Interlude

    The late summer sun beat down on the coast of northern Romalia, close to the Gallian border. Rolling hills covered in terraces descended down to the shallow warm sea. On the other side of the water lay the lands of the elves – but the most that could be seen of those terrible inhumans was the occasional glint of their shining ships and strange flying craft.

    "You know," Kirche said, stretching out on the chaise lounge on the veranda, "we really do need to save more nobles with gorgeous summer homes. At least if they let us use them. Rescuing the comte from the bandit lords was the best choice we made all summer." She clapped her hands together, and a butler drifted out of the main house.

    "What would it be, milady?" he asked, eyes not exactly on her face.

    "A glass of wine. Red, I think."

    "Very well, milady." The man headed inside again.

    "Yes," Kirche said self-satisfaction clear in her voice. "We have to do this more often."

    Montmorency looked up from her ledgers and shot her a disgusted glare. "Stop gloating," she said darkly.

    "What, because I heroically swung in and duelled the bandit prince, and took his head and incidentally earned us all a very nice reward?" Kirche said innocently.

    "Stop it." Montmorency scowled. "And put some more clothes on. By which I mean 'put some clothes on'. It might be acceptable for a man to lounge around in just… just his unmentionables…"

    "The term is 'underwear'," Kirche said helpfully. "Although this isn't underwear. It is a powerful artefact that was invented long ago on an atoll far in the Mystic East, beyond even Nippon. The place was destroyed long ago by powerful elven magic, but a few relics of it survive." She pointed at her chest. "Like this! Myths say it has a powerful enchantment on it, but I think that's probably just other girls realising how good it makes me look and blaming magic."

    "…you certainly shouldn't be wearing some… some barbarian magical relic! It's improper! Dress like a proper lady would!" Monmon was letting her hair down by restraining herself to a chemise, a petticoat and a light muslin gown.

    "I'm wearing more than a man would," Kirche pointed out.

    "Barely!"

    "Well, you know, my dear girl, if a man could get away with lazing around like this…" Kirche coughed, and when her hand came away, a grandiose waxed moustache lay on her top lip. "I believe I am a man, now."

    Montmorency turned bright red. Stare at her chest, she told herself. Don't focus on the moustache. Or where on earth she could have been keeping the moustache. She could feel a quite un-ladylike flush coming on. Oh, Kirche's exposed body was unattractive and female, but that face! That moustache! "You're not fooling anyone!" she blurted out. "Take that off! And put some clothes on!"

    "Monmon, my dear, I'm just catching the sun. It's good for you, you know," Kirche said, her oiled bronze skin glistening in the sun. She did at least peel off the false moustache. "You'd be less grumpy if you took that gown off. And less hot."

    The paler Tristainian girl sniffed. "It makes you look like someone who works out in the fields," she said. "Proper noblewomen should wear sunscreen. And for your information, I am perfectly cool because I am a water mage and I made sure my summer clothes were tailored for comfort. I don't need to risk looking like… like some manual labourer!"

    Kirche rolled over. "Oh dear," she said, "are you jealous because you turn lobster-red under too much sunlight while I acquire a glowing healthy tan and have never been sunburnt in my life?" The door slid open, and Tabitha stepped out, holding a parasol. She wore a long pale blue gown which reached to her ankles and her wrists. "Hey, Tabby? Do you think Monmon's just jealous of me?"

    Tabitha shot her a glance. "Eet eez not proper for une noblewomen to have brown skin like a peasant," she said critically. "Pale skin eez what ze beautiful women at court have."

    "… yes, but Tabby? You're even paler than Monmon."

    "Oui. Zat eez a fact. Quite unlike you, we are pale."

    Kirche pursed her lips. "Hey, Monmon. Did… did Tabby just make a bitchy comment? Or am I just dreaming?"

    "Stop trying to change the topic," Montmorency grouched, flicking a lock of blonde hair away from her face. "You just let the butler – who is a commoner, as we both well know – stare at you!"

    "Of course I did," Kirche drawled. "It feels really good, you know?"

    "No! I don't know!"

    Kirche frowned. "You mean you don't feel good when men admire your beauty? When they're staring at you with lust in their eyes? Because, really, it feels amazing. Wait. Have you even tried it? Maybe if you-"

    "You have no shame!" Montmorency snapped at her. "I'm not going to… stupid slatternly Germanian."

    "An insult is just a fart with words," Kirche said gnomically.

    Monmon twitched her wand and muttered something, and dumped a ball of cold water on the taller girl's head. With a melodramatic scream Kirche rolled off her lounger and fell into the pool, water moving with suspicious force and momentum to somehow exactly drench the blonde.

    Quite firmly, Tabitha turned tail and left, letting the patio degenerate into an all-out splash fight.



    …​



    Guiche had been banished from the south veranda by Montmorency on the grounds that Kirche made the entire area unsuitable for men. As a result, Danny was down with him on the practice courts. In theory, the older boy was helping Danny with his swordplay. In practice, one of them had been trained by Blitzhart von Zerbst and the other hadn't, so it was Guiche who was getting the pointers. Nevertheless, practice was occurring and the two of them were sweating heavily.

    "Lower your guard slightly, and turn your hand outwards a bit more," Danny said firmly.

    "Like this?"

    "Yes. Your guard drops after a few minutes. Against someone trained in the Romalian style, you'll be leaving yourself open against cuts to your arm if they're using a light, flicky blade. Now! En garde!"

    The following exchange of blows seemed more to Danny's satisfaction. After he announced his satisfaction, Guiche grinned, and then stuck his head in a bucket of water. The summer heat had left the two of them sweat-drenched, and Guiche was more than happy to strip off his protective padding and undershirt, hanging them out to dry.

    "I'm fine," Danny said quickly to Guiche' questioning look, as he blotted his forehead. He sighed. "Just bored. Why do we have to stay here? We could be out doing stuff! But we're just waiting around! Mother's going to insist I come home soon and we're wasting it!"

    Guiche shrugged, towel hanging around his shoulders. "You get to appreciate the resting bits more when you get older," the eighteen-year old told the twelve-year old with the voice of vast experience. "Although, yes, I must say that I'm getting a little weary of this. But, oh well. It keeps Monmon and Kirche happy."

    "Urgh. Sisters."

    "I don't see much of my sisters," Guiche admitted. "One's married off, and Marie is just six. She's spoiled rotted because she came as quite a surprise. How many sisters do you have?"

    Danny looked awkward. "That's a complicated question," he said moodily. "I have no idea how many bastards Dad has."

    "… um." Guiche tried to change the topic. "You know what we need?" he announced, wrapping one arm and pointing towards the mountains. "We need a boys' night out. Or more than just a night. A few days, even! I bet there are dragons or monsters or… or caves full of treasure up in their mountains."

    "Maybe," Danny said dubiously.

    "Well, we won't know if we don't check," Guiche said firmly. "We'll go find some remote village or scared town or something and find out what their problems are, and then we'll go hero a bit without Monmon complaining that what we're doing isn't in line with her valuations for how much our time is worth."

    "What is her thing about money?" Danny asked, puffing his chest up. "She passes over chances to… to do heroic things because she says they're not worth our time!"

    Guiche sighed, slumping down. "I know it doesn't look great," he admits. "But she's Monmon. She's always been like that."

    "Well, she's your fiancée, isn't she? Get her to be more heroic!"

    The boy blanched. "My… my fiancée?" he asks, coughing. "Uh… well, no."

    Danny frowned, jumping up to the wall to sit on the hot stone. "Huh? But you act like…"

    "Oh, I'd like it – and I think she would too. I mean, I think so. She's… hard to read sometimes. But we've been doing this stuff for over a year and…" Guiche leaned back against the sandstone, staring up at the blue sky. "I guess I've grown up a bit since we started. I like her a lot and I know she likes me at least a little bit, but… but things just aren't that easy."

    Danny swung his legs. "Is this old person stuff?" he asked.

    "Hah! Yeah, I guess it is," Guiche said, running his hands through his floppy blond hair. "If it was just us, we could probably just go out and find a chapel, but… it's not. My parents wouldn't approve a marriage to someone who doesn't have a dowry, for all that I'm a third son and not really good for much. My old man's proud of me for my heroing and the way I'm bringing home treasure – I've got enough put aside that I can buy a commission in the army in one of the good quality regiments or even join one of the knightly orders. But…" he sighed, "… that's not enough that they'd ever approve an engagement with her as things stand."

    Danny crossed his arms. "Look, just stop dancing around the point and say it," he demanded.

    "You're a von Zerbst," Guiche said simply. "Your family's a big land owner, incredibly rich and incredibly famous. And you're too young to be thinking about arranged marriages, but we're not so lucky. Monmon thinks about money all the time and haggles like a La Rochelle fishwife because money's the only way she can avoid being married off to some new money sort who'd be willing to pass over a dowry to get their hands on her title. And that's why you're not going to even breathe a word of what I just said to her? Got it? She doesn't know how much I've put together. She spends all the time worrying about it and keeping up the masquerade and telling everyone that things are fine."

    Unexpected tears welled up in Danny's eyes. He furiously wiped them away. "That's so sad," he whispered. "I… I know how she feels."

    "Enough about that! Time for a manly adventure of manliness! Also adventure! And… oh, Tabitha? What is it?"

    Tabitha approached them, eyes dead. "I am coming wiz you," she said firmly. "Ze arguments of Kirche and Montmorency are making my 'ead 'urt. And I want to kill somezing."

    "But it's a boy's trip," Danny protested. "Full of manliness. And you're not-"

    Tabitha gave him a cold look. Danny – in an entirely manly way – stepped behind Guiche.

    "Are you sure?" Guiche asked with a shrug. "We're just going to go see if there's anything in the area. And we're not using any of Monmon's value charts. There won't be much of value."

    "Zat eez fine wiz me. I just want zem to stop arguing so I can read een peace. And Sylphid needs une petite flight or she will get fat."

    The dragon made a grumbling noise, and insofar as a creature without lips could pout, it pouted.

    Guiche looked at Danny. Danny looked at Guiche.

    "Well," Guiche said thoughtfully, "dragons are exceptionally manly and proud animals much like unicorns, unlike womanly beasts like manticores and griffons."

    "Sylphid eez une girl," Tabitha pointed out, and was ignored.

    "And I suppose if we had a dragon, we wouldn't need to walk as far," Danny added, with the expression of someone who didn't want to compromise on one's masculinity, but who also didn't like sore feet.

    "I suppose we could declare Tabitha and her dragon to be honorary boys for our boys' night out," Guiche decided. "After all, true manliness lives in the soul. The soul of a man lets you do things like slay demons, romance princesses and punch dragons. That is the ultimate challenge and right of men and…"

    Sylphid leaned in and harrumphed. Her breath smelt of blood and her teeth just coincidentally happened to catch the light in a sinister manner.

    "… when I talk about punching dragons, of course present company is excluded," Guiche added hastily, waving his hands in front of him. "As you are a beautiful and elegant creature, I would no more fight you than I would damage a delicate wild blossom. May I complement you on… uh, the fine sheen of your scales which glisten like the depths of the ocean and the summer sky and the sharpness of your very prominent teeth which are surely… uh, the white of the innocence of your beautiful and clean draconic and not at all evil soul."

    The blue dragon nodded solidly, and fluttered her eyelashes at him.

    "I slay demons," Tabitha said, returning to an earlier point.

    "And I didn't say that the soul of a woman doesn't also let you do those things," Guiche clarified, after pausing for breath. "It's just that demon-slaying is a very manly thing to do. Even if. Um. You're better at it than men."

    "Father slayed the Queen of the Succubae," Danny said, nodding. He paused. "I mean, she must have come back to life again through some kind of demonic power, but he said he smote her with his mighty weapon so there must have been no way she could have survived that."

    "Blitzhart von Zerbst. What a guy," Guiche said, eyes misty.

    "'E eez ze mightiezt 'ero around," Tabitha agreed, looking similarly wistful.

    Guiche thrust out his chest. "That's settled, then! So, I'll head down to the kitchens and get us some supplies. Danny, grab our kit bags. And Tabitha…"

    "I will get ze maps and also prepare Sylphid."

    "… yes, you do that. Splendid!"



    …​


    The tolling of the bell filled the air as the brave and valiant heroes checked the board outside a nearby village church. Guiche read the sign with the aid of a finger.

    "So… uh." He cleared his throat, and took a sip from the water-flask at his hip. "So… um."

    "I thought you said you spoke Romalian!" Danny objected.

    "I do! But they spell things differently up here! And the local accent is hard! Do you want a go?"

    "Don't be stupid! I don't speak Romalian!"

    "Well, let me do it," Guiche said, flapping his shirt. "Sorry, it's just so hot out here. I get short-tempered in the heat. Right, Tabitha?"

    The girl was sitting on the church wall, reading a book. The air around her was cold. "Non," she said, as her dragon rolled around playfully in the dusty road.

    "… uh, right. Ahem. So, it says… oh, my. It says that a young girl was kidnapped by bears!"

    Danny stared. "Are you sure that says bears? Or kidnapped? Are you sure it doesn't say killed?"

    "I think so. Pretty sure that's the Romalian for bear. Tabitha?"

    "Eet eez possible."

    "You didn't even look."

    Tabitha looked up from her book for a fraction of a second. "Eet eez possible."

    "Well, that can't stand! We can't let bears go kidnapping girls! But… oh! It also says they've seen a large orcish warband in the mountains. Who knows what calamity such vile beasts might impose on the world? Such malevolence! Such-"

    Tabitha gave a mono-shouldered shrug. "Sylphid eez 'ungry," she said, slipping off the wall. "I must find 'er food. Ze orcs will do."

    The dragon rolled to her feet enthusiastically at the mention of food. Her exhalation kicked up dust, which blew in Guiche's face.

    "Why, certainly," he said, coughing. "We would not want such a beautiful creature to suffer and wither away. We will track down the bears."

    Danny pouted, looking out over the valley. "But I want to fight some orcs," he protested.

    "Saving a poor girl is more important," Guiche said firmly. "Saving young maidens is party of the duty of a true noble. You see, just as the peasantry provides us with their dues, so we owe them the obligation to protect them. Should we shirk on that obligation – why, we'd be no better than bandit lords. That is part of the core of the chivalry of any gentleman and…"

    His speech was interrupted as Tabitha took off. The wingbeats of the dragon threw up dust from the dry earth, and both Danny and Guiche were reduced to spluttering.

    "… and… we have… have to keep to such a code, even if s-s-s…" Guiche sneezed, "… some might call it archaic." He sighed. "I really wish she'd take more care with her take-offs," he said darkly. "Honestly!"

    "So we're going to have to walk?" Danny asked. He still looked rather sullen about not getting to fight orcs.

    "Yes." Guiche took a deep breath. "I'm going to ask around. See if they know which direction the bears took her or if there's a goat trail that goes in the right direction or… or something like that. The peasantry can be of great use to heroes like us! Not to mention, it makes them feel appreciated."

    "… why do you look like you're bracing yourself?"

    "I don't remember the word for goat-trail, all right?" He pursed his lips. "I need to find a little old lady or something. They always know."

    Danny squinted. "Are you sure you haven't caught the sun?"

    "Trust me!" Guiche stepped promptly up to a little old woman dressed in dusty black, carrying a basket of washing on her head. "Um. Mi dispiace, signora, ma dove è il posto che l'orso ha preso la ragazza? C'è una... um... um... 'goat-trail'? 'Baa baa', wait, no, that's a sheep. Danny? What noise do goats make? Ah, never mind! Un percorso? C'è un percorso? Il mio nome è Guiche de Gramont e..."

    "Ah! Guiche de Gramont! Tu sei il famoso eroe! Oi! Romeo!" the old woman called out to an equally old man. "Quest'uomo è Guiche de Gramont!"

    "Guiche de Gramont!"

    "Sì, Guiche de Gramont!"

    "L'eroe famoso?"

    "Sì! L'eroe famoso, Guiche de Gramont!"

    The older man apparently called Romeo ambled closer. He smelt of old wine and dried tomatos and his wispy white hair stuck out from under his broad-brimmed hat. "You! You are Guiche de Gramont! We have heard about you, sì sì. That you are coming... it is buona news, sì. We will help you, yes. My grandson, he see where the bears head! We have a brave hero now who will help little Julia!"

    Guiche nudged Danny. "See? It always works. Monmon and Kirche never really understand how much information you can get by doing a few things to help out villagers, but I find they always know exactly what you need."

    "You know, I have always wondered how you beat the wicked Fouquet," the old man continued. "I wanted to be a hero when I was young, but I never summed up to much. I killed some giant rats and a goblin or two, but I could never get higher up. Share your secrets, so I can try again some time!"

    Guiche laughed, and the old man laughed with him. "Oh, that. It wasn't easy. I had to be cunning and smart and..."

    The two of them ambled off together. Danny was left standing, a decidedly confused look on his face. This was not how his father's training said that things were meant to go.



    ...​



    The wings of the dragon beat powerfully as the beast carried itself and its mistress through the sky.

    "Tabitha?" Irukuwa asked.

    "Oui?" Tabitha said, sitting cross-legged on her dragon's back. She was reading a dog-eared copy of the famed philosophical textbook on moral justice; Péchés et la Sensibilité.

    "... what do you think of Guiche?"

    "'E is a fool. But a useful one. And sometimes 'e is less foolish zan 'e seems." She cocked her head. "But 'e is so very foolish zat eet eez not 'ard to be less foolish zan 'e seems."

    "Oh! So... you don't like him?"

    Tabitha turned a page in her book. "Non," she said.

    "So... you do like him?"

    "Non. 'E eez tolerable."

    "Oh!" Irukuwa banked into a turn. "He is quite handsome by human standards. And he says that I'm pretty."

    "'E says that to all ze ladies. You are a lady. Zerefore 'e complements you."

    Irukuwa took a deep breath. "Well, I think that's... that's nice of him," she said mournfully.

    Tabitha was silent for a while. "Do you 'ave... feelings for 'im?" she asked. "Feelings for an 'uman zat are not just 'I want to eat 'im'? Do you want to marry 'im?"

    "No! No, that's... that's ridiculous. Why would I marry him? Although I wouldn't mind sampling the goods, if you know what I mean."

    Tabitha gave her dragon the blank look of someone whose education had entirely focussed on the ways to kill a man and who had got very good at tuning out Kirche.

    The dragon managed to contrive to blush. "Well... um... oh! I smell fire down below. Fire and... and yes, orc. That might be the orc camp." She nodded her head towards a column of black smoke rising up from a hamlet. "Or at least somewhere they've attacked. Should I land?"

    Tabitha looked up from her book, and thought for a while. "Non," she said after a while. "I will look. Come if I call."

    And like that, she leaned sideways in her saddle and let herself fall, book in hand.

    "Thank you, orcs," muttered the dragon. "I didn't want to have to explain that to her. I might even eat you slightly less for that. Or maybe chew more."



    ...​



    "These are certainly bear tracks," Danny said, rising from his stooped position where he'd been examining the marks on the dusty tracks. The two of them had followed the path up the hillside, and dry scrubs sprouted around them on the rocky terrain. The grass was all yellow. The landscape was parched. "And they're heading towards that ruin."

    Guiche shielded his eyes against the sun. A ruined castle was built into the cliff side. The peasants had said that it had originally been built by a bandit lord, but it had been long abandoned. In the spring, goat-herders used it as a shelter, but everything was too dry up here during the summer months for it to be worth bringing animals up here. Especially since the goats ate everything in spring. "Well, onwards and upwards," he said cheerfully. "At least a bear-infested ruin is in the shade."

    "Right on!" Danny agreed. "Let's get this over and done with. It's only a bear, after all!"

    "Especially since we let Tabitha take the food," Guiche added.

    "Yes…"

    "Well, it wasn't so much 'let' as the fact that it was on Sylphid and so she flew off with it."

    "Yeah, but…"

    "But I'm sure we will have no problems against a dumb animal," Guiche said, before his brow crinkled. "I mean, it's not like there'll be two insane Gallian mages who are kidnapping humans so they can remove their brains and use them to make human-animal hybrids."

    "Wait, what?" Danny wiped his brow off with his sleeve, and stared wide-eyed at Guiche. "They did what?"

    "Oh, it was last spring. Kirche burned the place to the ground, though. I ran the mage through. He was obsessed with snakes. Not too bright. Snakes don't have arms, so… well, he had to hold his wand with his tongue." Guiche shook his head. "We never even got the story of how he managed to operate on himself."

    Danny opened his mouth, and closed it again. "Um. You know what, that's just stupid." He took a breath, looking around. "Yeah. Just a bear. Mmm. I think we can use that dry gully over there to advance on the ruin."

    Keeping low, the two picked their way up to the ruined walls. There were more tracks around the gates, but they slipped through a wrecked culvert rather than risk an encounter. There were shambling bears moving around the area, patrolling with too much intellect for mere beasts.

    Back pressed against a wall, Guiche raised a finger. He could hear voices on the wind, and smell something alchemical. Whispering a spell, he reached out and sunk a hand into the building next to him. His hand went into it like clay, and he pulled put a handhold. "Follow me," he whispered. "We'll get up high. We can't let this happen! No real gentleman lets bears eat innocent peasant girls! The peasantry demands on us to defend them! That's why we have magic in the first place!"

    Danny nodded enthusiastically. "Right!"

    Clambering over the side of the buildings and up onto the roofs, they headed towards the voices. They were coming from the keep, a sandstone structure coming from the cliff face which was the most intact part of the ruins. The alchemical smell got stronger as they got nearer. Then Guiche saw a flash of movement through one of the windows and heard a female scream. A fallen wall proved an adequate bridge into the keep, and the two of them crept up to the source of the noise.

    Carefully, Guiche removed a stone from the wall, turning it into sand. That gave them enough to peer through into the adjoining room. Tall cabinets were filled with glass beakers of various shapes and sizes. There were columns of magical ice, keeping the place chill even in summer – and a bear carcass hanging from the ceiling. The whole room smelt of a mixture of chemicals and old blood.

    And in the centre of the room, the girl from the posters was chained to a table. There was another person in the room, but they were not exactly human. Though their face was that of a man, it was attached to the shoulders of a great bear. They had four arms – two that were originally the bears, and then another two human arms stitched to the torso. Those ones concerned Guiche more, because one held a wand and the other held a bonesaw.

    "Aiuto! Aiuto! Mi aiuti per favore!" the peasant girl called out.

    "Zere eez no use in trying to shout for 'elp," said the twisted mage. "For you are ze mozt lucky of women. I will make you a god. Ze time of men 'as ended! Now will be ze time of ze new race! A mozt glorious era!"

    "Oh, for goodness sake," Guiche muttered. "Not again." He glanced around. "And here we are, with no ropes to swing in through the window on. I suppose we'll just have to knock a dramatic hole in the wall."

    Danny's expression was one of almost pure glee.



    …​



    The rocky countryside smouldered under the afternoon sun. Crickets chirruped in the air. But here in a remote valley, where the smoke from grassfires filled the air, a confrontation was taking place by a large rocky cairn.

    The orcish war chief was nearing four metres in height. His skin colour was hard to tell, as he was utterly covered in mud and dried gore. Under the gore, tattoos sprawled in an utterly tasteless display. His muscles were so overdeveloped that they were fighting for space and the veins that ran across their surface were so prominent that they seemed on the verge of leaping off the surface entirely. And his face! In appearance he was more piggish than manlike or elven, with a flat nose, cracked yellow tusks which protruded from his jawline, and prominent pointed ears. He wore a belt made of skulls and carried a massive heavy iron staff with lead weights on both ends. His weapon showed signs of long use, and he was fond of hefting it casually, showing off his inhuman strength.

    Behind him were the massed ranks of lesser orcs. Though they were not quite as massive as their leader, each one of them was clearly far stronger than a human – and their war trophies marked a bloody history of their deeds. They would, given a chance, fall upon the nearest city and raze it, devouring and killing as they saw fit.

    By contrast, Tabitha was short for her age and that age was just shy of her fifteenth birthday. She was slight, pale, and delicate-looking, with deep blue eyes that almost concealed a look of vulnerability. She had reluctantly put down her book in acknowledgement of the situation she found herself in.

    It wasn't fair. Not a little bit. What kind of terrible person would send a young girl not even in the full bloom of womanhood against a poor defenceless orc warband?

    "I'm gonna eat you," the orc growled in badly pronounced Romalian. "I'm gonna grind your bones to dust and put 'em in my soup. It's gonna be just a snack. Gotta eat meat and eggs. Keeps me strong." He made a fist, curling his arm and hefting his heavy weighted staff. "It's a beaut, ain't it? I'm the strongest there is. Look at 'em. I'll even let you touch 'em if you want to."

    "Ze orcish brain eez mostly made of water," Tabitha observed. "Under ze bone."

    The chieftan scowled. "Who d'ya think you are, talkin' when I'm flex-" he began. He didn't say anything else, unless you counted drooling. He tottered, staggered and fell, collapsing in a clash of rusty metal and meat.

    "Who eez next in line to be ze leader?" Tabitha said.

    A hulking beast dressed in the remnants of a knight's armour stepped up. It was nearly as big as the previous leader, and carried a small tree as a club. "You killed my hubby," it growled. That probably meant it was female, but who knew with orcs? "I'm gonna kill-"

    "Who eez next in line to be ze leader?" Tabitha asked, over the clatter.

    "I'm is biggest so I'm-"

    "Who eez next in line to be ze leader?"

    The orcs appeared to be learning, and no one stepped forwards. There was some discussion. "Um. You are?" tried an orc, displaying genius-level intellect for its species.

    Tabitha considered the possibility of assuming a new career as an orcish warlord. It didn't appeal to her.

    "Non," she said.

    And it was then that the orcs found that the large rocky cairn they had gathered around was in fact a dragon who'd cast an illusion on herself. Long ago, a member of a now-forgotten race of Halkeginia had said that only a fool would laugh at a live dragon. These orcs weren't laughing. However, the few survivors of the warband did come up with a new saying, which went as follows.

    "Never stand next to the mouth of a live dragon when that dragon's covered the ground in tricksy magic that stops any of you from moving and it's working with a scary human girl who's killing all of you who manage to get away from the dragon that's trying to eat you all."

    It was considered astute advice and one of the foremost cognitive developments of orcish culture, insofar as orcs had culture.



    …​



    The twisted hybrid leaned in, a mad look on his face. "Do not cry, leetle girl. Eet eez time for your ascension! Zis may 'urt a leetle bit, but…"

    The wall behind him exploded, sending glassware shattering everywhere from the overturned beakers.

    "Stop right there! I won't let you do that, you madman!" Guiche de Gramont announced in the voice he practiced in front of the mirror when he felt that Kirche or Montmorency wouldn't hear and make fun of him for it. His mantle flapped in the breeze, and just for a moment the sun through the cracks in the ceiling illuminated him in a pool of light. "We shall stop you!"

    "Yeah! We're going to cut your head off! And put it on a pike! And cut off all your limbs, drive a stake through your heart, chop your organs into mincemeat, cover them in garlic, silver and witchbane, set fire to them, and then scatter the ashes," Danny contributed. Unfortunately, Guiche was taking up all of the pool of light and left no space for him.

    "… zat sounds like a lot more zan would be needed," the mage said faintly.

    Danny shrugged. Generations of bordering the de la Vallière family had led the von Zerbst family to develop a fine sense of tactical awareness and strategic heroism. The selective pressures had been notable, and the von Zerbsts had learned multiple ways of ensuring their rivals stayed dead when they were killed.

    "We are here to save this poor maiden!" Guiche declared. "Surrender, and you will be treated fairly as befits our honour as gentlemen. Else we will put you to the sword!"

    "Guiche de Gramont?" managed the peasant girl, looking over at him with a sudden expression of hope on her face.

    "Quiet! Put moi to ze sword?" The human head on top of the bear tilted to one side. "Do you zink swords will 'arm moi? Non! I am a new race! A superior one! Better than you pazetic 'umans!"

    "Hah! Well, that's just as well, because we're actually going to set you on fire!" Danny shouted.

    "Danny, please. I'm trying to talk." Guiche tilted his head. "I don't see why you would do that to yourself," he said. "You're a human head stitched onto a bear torso, with two human arms attached to the front. That seems… unusual."

    "Zey called moi crazy!" the mage ranted. He was frothing at the mouth slightly. Guiche suspected he'd taken a lot of alchemical potions. You'd have to be on potions to consider this to be a good idea. "Zey did not understand moi! 'Umans are a dead end! Zey will not survive with ze elves and ze vampires and ze dragons! I saw eet! Ze others at the laboratories… zey did not! Only a few brave minds understood how ze chimerism process could be used to make us better! We 'ave transcended human limits!"

    "Limits like… not being a head attached to a bear? Yes," Guiche said, trying to keep a level tone. The madman was waving the bonesaw worryingly close to his chained up prisoner. "I can see why you might have considered that to hold you back."

    "'Olding moi back! Exactly! But ze bears are strong! Stronger zan men! Stronger zan elves! And… well, 'ave you ever tried to stitch an 'uman 'ead to a dragon?" There was genuine curiosity in his voice.

    "No."

    "Eet does not work. Trust moi on zis."

    Guiche stroked his chin. "But surely there must have been a reason you settled on this goal in life?" he asked the man with all apparent seriousness. "No doubt you have an interesting story."

    "Oh! I will not be fooled by you and your trickery! You are Guiche de Gramont! You killed ma brother!"

    Guiche swallowed. "Uh…"

    "I 'ated ma brother! So zank you! But I am smarter than 'im!"

    "Indeed, indeed," Guiche said, reaching down to his hip. "Care for some wine?"

    "'Ah! Another trick!"

    Guiche shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said, taking a swig. "So…"

    "We need to rescue the girl!" Danny blazed.

    "No, no, he might have a good reason for doing what he does," Guiche said reasonably. "I think we should hear him out, if he wants to explain why… uh, cutting people up and sewing them to bears is a good idea."

    "Zat is most reasonable of you," the madman said, ambling over to a counter and picking up a bottle of wine with his bear hands. This was probably a mistake, as he crushed it. "Eet all started when I was seven. Ma mozer took me 'unting, you see, and zere was a big black bear in the woods…"



    …​



    "… well, I zought zat I 'ad found some fellow companionship when I started ma research with ze mages of ze Gallian research council. But zat was far from ze case! Zey had ze wrong priorities! Zey did not care about improving ze 'uman race using ze superior race, bears! Zey just wanted flying airships with super-bombs fuelled by firestones and faster-firing muskets and multi-barrelled cannons! Who would want zat? We cannot improve man by merely making… pazetic toys for war! Non! We must improve ze 'uman race by replacing eet!"

    "That would make sense," Guiche said, nodding wisely.

    "Zat was what I said! But zey called moi mad when I showed zem how ze head of a bear cub could be attached to ze chest of a man! Worse, zey called me stupid and said zat I was just repeating ze chimerism experiments! Zey accused moi of plagiarism! Moi!"

    "Shocking. Utterly shocking."

    "That's it!" Danny exploded. The boy had been growing more and more disgusted-and-also-bored as the long and grievance-filled tale had continued. "You're a monster and you're going to pay for your…"

    "Danny!" Guiche said, shock in his voice. "Don't interrupt the man. I'm sorry sir," he apologised, "but your story is fascinating. Please, don't let the boy's rudeness interrupt you."

    Danny turned bright red. "But…"

    "Shhhh."

    "Ah! A leetle respect. I did not expect zat, coming from un 'ero."

    "There is such thing as manners," Guiche said, with a courteous bow.

    "Indeed zere are! Very well! What was I saying?"

    "I do believe you were telling us about how they all called you mad? It is a fascinating topic, you know. Who would have thought so many people would be so blind as to describe you like that?" Guiche covered his mouth, coughing. "Sorry, dust in the air," he said. "Yes, no doubt – as you so wisely expanded on – it was all a conspiracy against you."

    "Ah, oui! Indeed, eet was all a conspiracy! My brother – zank you for killing 'im, again." He settled both pairs of shoulders and puffed up his chest, completely blind to the bronze Valkyries that were crawling along the floor behind him over to his captive. Danny seemed to be about to say something, but Guiche stood on his foot.

    "It was my pleasure," Guiche said loudly to drown out Danny's complaints.

    "Oui, oui! Well, zen I acted! I 'ad to get my 'ands on ze latest research and-"

    And then the ground lurched.



    …​



    The air whistled through Tabitha's hair. Technically it was still blue. This was hard to tell from the point of view of an observer, though, because of the blood that soaked her and all her garments. The great wings of her dragon beat at the air, making the crates of murder-gotten loot strapped to the back of the beast jangle and clink.

    "Charlotte. Charlotte. Charlotte. Charlotte. Lotty. Lotty. Lotty. Charlotte. Tabitha. Charlotte. Lotty. Charlotte. Lotty. Lotty. Tabitha."

    "What?" Tabitha said, when it became clear that her dragon wasn't going to stop saying her name.

    "My tummy hurts." Irukuwa hiccupped, and spat out a chewed helmet. "Urgh! And I have metal in my teeth! It's your fault for making me eat it! Orc is so fatty!"

    "Oh. Eet eez?"

    "Yes! It is! I've probably put on a tonne!" The dragon sighed. "It's so good, but this is going to do horrors for my waistline. And let's not get started on how bad orc is due to all the hormones and alchemical reagents in it."

    "Oh."

    "I really do try to maintain an organic diet, you know! I don't eat stone golems! But orc is the worst kind of high fat meat! And it's just packed full of additives!"

    "Oh."

    "But it's so good! Oh, sure, old dragons say that virgin princess is best and orc is just cheap mass-produced food, but sometimes you just need to have something… something filling and full of fat and preservatives and… and it's not like you can get hold of princess these days. And you'd object if I nibbled on you!"

    "Oui."

    "It's so easy for you humans," Irukuwa grumbled. "Especially you. You can eat what you like and not put on any weight, because you all have such small appetites. If I could eat like you do, I could have orc every day!"

    "Oui."

    "And humans wear clothes, which means you can cover up if you get chubby. But there's just so much expectation on girls, you know?"

    "Non."

    "Well, there is! Everyone notices if you're any heavier come volcano season and all the journals send their hellspawn to draw unflattering pictures of you! It's dreadful! And they're not the worst! The worst are other girls! Wait, no, the worst are boys! They're both equally worst because girls make fun of you and boys won't want to court you if you have a few too many cows. And yet men can put on all the weight they want! Oh yes they can! No one cares if they're more lard than scales! Just as long as they've got a big hoard! It makes me sick!"

    "Oh."

    She blew out a gust of many-coloured mist. "I don't think you're listening to me," she accused.

    "I am," Tabitha said, not looking up from her book. A small magical shield was stopping her from dripping blood on the pages. "Go on. Eet eez very interezting."

    "If you were listening, what was I talking about?"

    "Orcs. And your stomach. And how eet eez unfair zat men can eat what zey like."

    The dragon grumbled, but accepted that Tabitha had, all things considered, probably been listening. "So… with regards to how I've been going above the call of duty for you, can I have a raise?"

    "All ze treasure from ze orcs eez yours," Tabitha said. "Now can you be quiet? I am trying to read."

    Irukuwa smiled a draconic smile. Now, this was the unexpected advantage of taking this position. Her mistress didn't care at all about treasure, which meant she was somehow managing to build up a nest egg despite being a self-employed freelancer straight out of education. Her parents hadn't exactly been happy with the way that she was familiaring for a hero, but the money was keeping them quiet for now even if her father grumbled. They didn't believe her when she pointed out that Tabitha was a killer who did bloody wetworks jobs for the Gallian throne which ended with entire families dead and thus could hardly be described as Good.

    Life was… life was just so hard as a young dragon! You had massive debts owed to your parents and mentors, your immortal elders had all the best holdings and none of them wanted to share, and on top of that everyone wanted you to find a mate so you could 'continue your race'. But did any of them think about what curling around a nest of eggs and incubating them for decades did to a girl's career? Not to mention the fact that Heroes would show up with their anti-choice agenda and try to smash the eggs.

    Honestly, Irukuwa was incredibly glad that the summoning had happened when it had. She'd been this close to accepting an offer to work in a big lair firm. In retrospect, it wouldn't've been worth it. Sure, the pay was high, but that would've meant sixteen hours a day for centuries before she had a chance to make partner working under Bakrr the Black and Makenzi the Red. What use was a pile of gold if you never got to actually sleep on it?

    No, the pay was worse even with Tabitha's apathy towards money, but her quality of life was unbelievably better. And-

    Any more draconic ponderings on her career were interrupted by a calamitous explosion from a nearby mountaintop. The wispy white clouds overhead were painted red by the light below. Shrapnel-like rock filled the air, pattering off the glowing white magical shield that Irukuwa managed to pull up just in the nick of time.

    "Merde," swore Tabitha, who in a display of unexpected and unprecedented and unexpected shock was not only showing emotion, but had also dropped her book. With a flick of her wand she caught it again, but it was still unprecedented that she voluntarily let go of a book.

    And the reason for this was that there was a fiery red glow coming from down below. To the sound of vast shattering of rocks, one of the peaks tore itself loose from the mountainside. And revealed beneath it was hell itself.



    …​



    The entire stone building shook like it was at sea. The rotting bricks of the ruined castle creaked and groaned and gave way. Guiche acted. With a flick of his wand he shed petals which formed yet more bronze Valkyries, even as the two he'd already met worked on freeing their captive.

    "Is this some treachery of yours?" he shouted at the bear-man. "What madness are you up to!"

    There wasn't a coherent response from the mad mage – merely babbling curse-words in Gallian. A red light gleamed in his eyes and he frothed at the mouth. All rationality gone, he lunged for Danny, who leapt backwards. The building lurched again. The bear-man slammed into a wall, while Danny pin-wheeled at the edge of a hole in the crumbling floor.

    "Got you!" Guiche shouted, putting him back. The madman roared; a deep guttural inhuman bass noise that sprayed foam over the area. Wood splintered as Guiche's constructs resorted to hacking apart the wooden table to free the peasant girl. "Get her away from the wall! The entire place is about to… crap!" He threw himself to the side, landing on the broken glass with a yelp of pain. Relying on his padded armour, he rolled out of the way, barely avoiding the clawed follow-up swing.

    Danny's eyes darted between the peasant girl and the bear-man. His training from his father about 'killing the monster' clashed with the instruction on 'getting the girl'. "Guiche! What should I do?"

    "Get her to higher ground!" Guiche shouted, whipping his wandsword around and scoring a thin cut along one of the human arm of the bear-man. It didn't seem to slow him down; only make him angrier. "This whole place is… ah! Is coming down!" He leapt up onto a table, scattering surgical equipment and glass jars full of body parts. The monster roared incoherently, and he barely managed to leap away as it brought its bear arms down, smashing the table into kindling. Guiche got another slash in, leaving a long cut across the creature's chest which barely grazed its toughened hide.

    "Je suis un ours!" the madman screamed, insensate to pain. He pulled up his bear arms to protect his bare arms and his bare head – a vulnerability due to his lack of a bear head. He began to chant, words stumbling. Guiche lunged, slipping past his guard to slice his cheek open.

    That impetuousness nearly cost him as a sudden lurch of the ground caught just as he was recovering. The young man stumbled backwards, perilously close to the edge. The stone crumbled as he waved his arms, trying not to fall.

    "Vous ne pouvez pas me tuer!" He was slurring his words by now. The veins on his face were black and his eyes were bloodshot. "You! You cannot keel moi! Weak! You come! You say you talk but… liar!"

    Feet perilously close to the precipice, Guiche edged along. The wind from behind him blew through his hair. The bear-man paced sideways, slowly advancing. Trying to force him off the edge. "I would not cut you down like a beast," Guiche said, trying to speak clearly. "If you are a man of honour, you would fight me as a man, one on one. Not as a wild beast. We shall do this as men."

    "Vous êtes un être humain inutile!" the Gallian snarled.

    Guiche shook his head sadly. "Now," he shouted, leaping sideways and grabbing a solidly anchored flagpole which had survived the collapse of the building better than the rest of the walls around it.

    And that was when his bronze valkyries jumped the bear-man from behind. The magical constructs were not the most skilled at fighting, but they were heavy metal animated statues and when the floor was already weakened, that was enough. The stone crumbled, and with one last desperate "Je suis un ours!" the man and the valkyries together collapsed down through the floor.

    He fell quite a long way.

    Panting, Guiche pulled himself up onto the pole. Sucking in his breath, he edged his toes up onto the stone, and twisted to hook his body up. Clinging close to the surviving bits of wall, he shuffled up to safe ground occupied by Danny and the girl.

    "Why didn't you cast levitate?" Danny asked.

    Guiche winced. "I'm not the best of mages," he admitted, slumping down with a big sigh, "and I spent everything I had on those golems. And I had to make sure they got the wand off him. No one wanted a flying bear mage."

    Danny pulled a face. "I wouldn't have minded saying that I got to fight one," he tried.

    "No. No one wanted one," Guiche repeated. "Not in real life." He looked down at the wispy clouds, and sighed.

    And then blinked.

    "Oh my," Guiche said, running his hands through his hair. The peasant-girl clung onto him, an entirely sensible action given that he looked like he knew what he was doing and the only other person to cling onto was twelve. "We appear to be flying."

    "Why are we flying?" Danny blurted out.

    "Well, it would seem that this mountain tore loose from the earth and turned into a sky island," Guiche said thoughtfully.

    "That doesn't explain why!"

    "No. No, it doesn't. It's probably something to do with the fiery hellscape below us."

    Danny swung his legs. "Damn demons! They clearly went to stop us because we're heroes! But we showed them! So… how are we going to get down?"

    "Our best bet is probably waiting for Tabitha to show up. I'm in no state to levitate down, and you can't carry all three of us."

    "But how do you know-"

    Tabitha showed up.

    "You are on une sky island," she said, looking at them from the back of her dragon.

    "Yes, Tabitha, I know." Guiche shrugged. "We killed the bear-man. It was another mad mage experimenting with hybrids. Well, okay, probably technically the fall killed him, but I had my valkyries push him off so… you know. I get the credit. Can we have a lift back down to-"

    "You're all covered in blood!" Danny blurted out.

    "It's not hers," Guiche said wearily. "That is what you were going to say, right?"

    Tabitha nodded.

    "Yeah. Again." Guiche sighed. "You could wash yourself off. I think you like re-appearing covered in blood just so you can say 'it's not mine' when one of us looks worried for you. This isn't the first time you've done it."

    "Zat eez not important. I killed ze orcs."

    "… what, all of them?" Danny asked in disbelief.

    "Zere was less zan une zousand of zem," Tabitha said with a one-shouldered Gallian shrug. "Eet was not zat 'ard."

    Beneath them, the fiery hellscape below flickered and burned.

    "I feel sick," Danny said, looking distinctly flushed. He tried to avoid looking at the hole in the world, but his gaze kept on drifting back to it. "That's… wrong."

    "Me too," Guiche agreed, screwing his eyes shut. "To think we nearly fell into it!"

    "Eet eez closing," Tabitha said bluntly.

    "What?"

    "You will need to open your eyes."

    Guiche peeked out. Indeed, the rift seemed to be closing, leaving blackened igneous rock and soot in its place. "Praise the Founder," he said, relief in his voice. "He has forced the evil away!" He began to pray out loud, and even if it didn't help the closing it didn't seem to hurt it. Danny joined him. Tabitha did not, but instead watched the portal with a hawk-like gaze, unblinking.

    The light died, and soon all that was left in the late afternoon sun was a pillar of smoke and a strong smell of sulphur.

    "The others will want to know," Guiche said firmly.



    …​



    The sun had set. The two von Zerbsts stood next to the crater which marked where the mountain had torn itself from the ground in all defiance of gravity. Not too far away there was a red splash mark adorned with mixed human and bear body parts. The dry landscape was ablaze with speckled fires set by the Abyssal incursion, but for once the mages were not putting them out. They were saving their magic in case the forces of evil broke through again. Or, Monmon suggested darkly as she dragged Guiche off by the ear to scold him for being irresponsible and stupid, they had already done what they needed to do.

    "So, I wonder if they're finally going to do it," Kirche said out loud.

    "Ewww."

    "Oh, come on, you were totally wondering that too."

    "I was not! Ewww!"

    "Oh yeah." Kirche rubbed the back of her neck. "Sorry. Forgot that you haven't been around them and their neverending sexual tension for literally years."

    Danny pouted. "You are an awful big brother. And also an awful big sister."

    "Awesome, Danny. Awesome is the word. You need to practice your Tristanian more."

    "I know what I said," the twelve year old said, crossing his arms and sulking.

    Kirche picked up a stone and bounced it up and down in her hand. "So you had fun," she said brightly.

    "Didn't manage to kill the evil bear-man mage."

    "Yeah," his big sister said knowingly. "You had fun."

    Danny grinned, teeth catching the light of the orange firelight. "I did! We got to rescue a peasant and we snuck around past bears and we knocked down a wall and Guiche duelled him and it was really neat to watch… and… and it was a proper, manly adventure!"

    "As much fun as doing stuff with Dad?"

    He thrust his hands into his pockets, and frowned. "It was… a different kind of fun. Like, Guiche likes to talk."

    "He really does."

    "Yeah, but he even talks to villains. And he sounds all sympathetic! Like he agrees with them! And then I wanted to fight, but then he hushed me and then I realised he was just distracting the bad man so he could sneak his constructs around to protect the girl. Father wouldn't do that sort of thing."

    "Well, no. Dad'd jump straight through the window, shout something and then punch the bear-man so hard his eyeballs exploded."

    "Yeah. It's pretty neat when they do that." Danny shrugged, looking for the right words. "Guiche… he…"

    "Is smarter than he looks, even if he's a pretty lousy mage?" Kirche asked.

    "It's not that he's bad! It's just… he mostly just makes barriers and sends his bronze ladies to go stab things. While like… you burn entire formations and…" Danny blanched. "Tabitha is scary," he said in a low voice, after looking around to make sure she wasn't anywhere nearby.

    "Really?" Kirche asked, a frown on her face. "She's just not very talkative. I wouldn't call her scary. She's always very friendly and a good listener."

    "… Kirche. She didn't pay any attention to the fact she was covered in blood."

    "Look, I don't know what happens in Tabitha's head," Kirche said with a shrug. "But that's just because she's a Gallian. Like Tristainian, but worse. She's always been a good friend to me and never betrayed me. Ever since someone tricked us into fighting at school."

    "Oh?"

    "Yeah, back in first year at the Academy. They tried to set things up so it looked like I'd set fire to her room and she'd destroyed my stuff with her wind and water and ice. Hah! More fool them! They couldn't do enough damage to make it look like it'd really been us. Which," Kirche coughed, "we admittedly only noticed after I'd given her two black eyes and she'd stabbed me in the hand and I'd set her hair on fire and she'd ruined my clothes with a razor icestorm."

    Danny frowned. "You didn't kill her?" she asked.

    "Look, Tabitha is really good at what she does," Kirche said bluntly. "She had the upper hand. If we ever were seriously trying to kill each other, I'd give her seven out of ten fights."

    "Oh. Goodness. I thought you were the best."

    "I am the best," Kirche said arrogantly. "It's just… well, she's better against mages. She's incredibly fast. And never fights fair." Kirche flicked her hair. "Anyway, once we made up and… you know, stopped bleeding, we went and beat them into the infirmary and then out of the window of the infirmary and then set their rooms on fire-and-ice. At the same time."

    "How?"

    "Wasn't easy! Turns out you have to just use more magic."

    Danny opened his eyes wide, and then slumped. "Sometimes I think I'll never be as powerful as you," he said sadly. "I'm twelve and I'm still line rank. And you'd already done so much more than me when you were my age."

    Kirche squeezed his shoulder sympathetically. "It's no big deal if you're not," she said. "I'm just a prodigy – and Dad's first legitimate child and his heir. I have to be the best. You're right, he put more time into training me. But – well, look at Guiche. He's a dot-rank, and he still pulls his weight when we go out heroing. I mean, obviously not when we have to wipe out warbands. That's mostly just me and Tabby. But he's good at other things. Like talking to people."

    "Mmm hmm. H-he's really nice," Danny said, blushing pinkly. "He… he took me out adventuring and… and we talked about being boys and… and marriages and doing the right thing for your family even if you won't want to and…" Danny's shoulders hunched. "I don't know," he whispered. "He's not much like Dad, but…"

    Kirche gave her little brother a cuddle. "There, there," she said. "Trust me. Dad's unique. You can't judge most people by him. Which is just as well, really. If Dad thought there was someone out there just like him, they'd probably fight in a duel to the mutual death."

    "Ah…"

    "Or possibly start making out," Kirche continued in the same tone of voice.

    "Eww."

    "Look, Dad loves himself more than anything else in the world."

    "Yes, but did you need to bring up that mental image?"

    Kirche shrugged. "Meh."

    "You're disgusting."

    "Now you sound like Monmon," Kirche said, sounding hurt. "That's no way to talk to your older sister."

    "You are disgusting, though!"

    Kirche poked Danny in the shoulder. "Oh, you say that now, but maybe you'll change your mind when you're older. A little bit of disgustingness is a lot of fun, take it from me."

    "Look, Kirche!" Danny exploded, "I… I know you like being a girl! I… I don't understand why you like it, but you do! I… you're my big sister, fine! You do… do girly things and like it! And show off your body and like h-h-having these stupid things growing on your chest," he crossed his arms protectively, "and… and… and I don't! I hate it! I've always hated it!" He gasped down big gulps of air. "And… and if things feel as wrong for you when you dress like a boy as it felt when Mama tried to get me to wear a dress, then that's horrible!"

    Kirche raised a hand. "Don't worry there," she said, frowning. "Honestly, I just dress how I want. Apart from the corset. That's a pain in the back. Also, the front. And the sides. But breeches are pretty handy when you have to run in winter. I just dress in what I find comfortable for me." She sighed. "That bad?"

    Danny slumped down. "Worse," he said in a tiny voice. "It's… it's getting worse. I… I don't want to have hips or… or breasts. I don't want to become a woman. If… if I have to be… why couldn't things stay like they used to? Where no one c-c-could tell the difference?" He took another gulp of air. "Guiche… Guiche is nice. He doesn't say anything. But… but I'm sure other people are noticing and I hate it! I hate it!"

    Kirche for her part was still fifty-fifty on whether Guiche had actually noticed anything, but made the mental note to check and do something nice for him if he had. Actually, she should do something nice for him anyway, for taking her little brother out on a supervised adventure.

    She sat down on the edge of the crater, letting her legs dangle down, and pulled her brother into a hug. "There, there," she said, trying to think of anything more she could say.

    Danny sunk into her, shoulders shaking with suppressed tears.

    She gave him a cuddle. "Tell you what. We're going to have to go to Roma next. The Church has to know about this event, and we're famous enough to actually make them listen. I think we can talk ourselves into getting an audience with the pope – after all, he knows us from when we saved the Romalian ambassador to Tristain. We'll make sure we tell him personally. And while we're there, there's a woman I know who helped me out when I was a bit older than you. She makes useful little things on commission."

    "I don't need another hidden boot dagger," Danny muttered.

    "Really? I think you can never have too many. But I was talking about false moustaches and things that stop unwanted bouncing. She makes the moustaches from your own hair, you know. They're excellent. You'd like that?"

    "'es."

    "Then it's settled."

    Danny swallowed. "You… thank you, Kirche."

    Kirche hugged him again. "You're my brother, got it? You're family. Family sticks together."

    She paused.

    "Apart from evil bastard half-siblings," she added conscientiously. "They mostly try to stick it between our ribs. But if they stopped trying to murder us, I'd be willing to extend the offer to them too."



    …​
     
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  • Threadmarks
    • That was the best Interlude this story has had so far. Overlady just seems to keep consistently getting better as it progresses. I particularly loved the line "He pulled up his bear arms to protect his bare arms and his bare head – a vulnerability due to his lack of a bear head", but the dragon career woes were amazing and wonderful as well, and overall basically everything was great.
     
    New chapter = :D
    Just an interlude = :(
    It's like going out to eat and just getting the appetizer. Don't get me wrong the appetizer is good but I was hoping for a full meal.
     
    Man, you really went wordswordswords on this one, didn't you Scorp?

    Still, great work and I love it. And I can't help but think that this Abyssal incursion is the hook for the next chapter.
     
    EarthScorpion said:
    "Although this isn't underwear. It is a powerful artefact that was invented long ago on an atoll far in the Mystic East, beyond even Nippon. The place was destroyed long ago by powerful elven magic, but a few relics of it survive." She pointed at her chest. "Like this! Myths say it has a powerful enchantment on it, but I think that's probably just other girls realising how good it makes me look and blaming magic."
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    I know it likely isn't based off of the description, but because I spend entirely too much time on /a/ lately (especially the KCQ threads) and have certain images appear on my Facebook feed, I can't help but think that Kirche is wearing a kitty keyhole bra and panty set here. Y'know, the latest pixiv art meme thing or the actual undergarments themselves that made such a big memetic impact when they first went on sale last month or whenever.

    But more likely, she's just wearing a regular bikini.
     
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